Monday, June 30, 2014

Why I Can't But Why I Still Want To

Why we don't live together:
I alluded to a blowjob later.You were onboard. Then, despite your breathing issues, you said later we'd "fuck like bunnies." You never said you'd changed your mind. The hours wittled away until finally I'm petting you to sleep. In the dark, black spots and clouds in my eyes themselves create shadows. My anxiety is only heightened by the frustration of my need. But I learned long ago that it didn't do to attempt to get those needs met when my lover was so close to sleep. So when you went to sleep, I cried in my own room. Sobbed and wailed and threw pillows.

I still don't know what is justified, or how to ask for the right thing at the right time. It's easier to break down on my ownn to actually be all alone when I feel alone than to go through this on a regular basis.

Why I want to eventually live together again:
I worked hard to make things nice for her when she got back from vacation. Things I do regularly like the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom. And things I rarely if ever do, laundry, changing her sheets, mopping the floors. I made sure he wanted for nothing, caring for what she entrusted me with.

When she got home,  she talked of something she wanted "us" to do, a group we'd invite other poly people we knew to. But by "us" she meant she and I. When he joked that these things always implode, she laighed "We're already talking about moving to New Mexico anyway. See I have an exit plan." I didn't know if I was included in that we. I wanted to ask but how do I come with if I can't live with them?

She recounted cooing over her friend's baby, how it made her want one more. I said that I'd like one to but I just never got that part. She said that was why it would work out for me to hand my baby to her. How can I have his child without living with him? How can she co-parent with me, and/or I with her, if I can't live with anyone?

3 comments:

TyRoy Washington said...

1. Why we don't live together - several reasons that are all valid. None of which makes it easier. And it still sucks. However those reasons can be overcome as well.


2. Why I want to eventually live together again - because you have love together. That you all want to share. That is rare and important.


One day you might just find that house with a yard and white picket fence. And DOGS! No cats!

AvaAlso said...

Lol. No dogs either. It completely messed up his allergies the last time he was here. No, no animals at all.

Marcy Appl said...

Today, I was told to live in the now. Not worry about making decisions that don't have to be even thought about yet. More specific to what you are talking about, I was told that if I was not nervous about possibly having kids, that would be an issue. Apparently, even normal people worry about having kids.

As hard as it may be, I think her advice was really good today: live in the now.