Care-taking and Being Taken Care Of

So I feel like I'm kinda a "ride or die chick" when it comes to my family. I'm going to be there, no matter what, if someone I feel is family needs me. I might not keep track of extended family the way that my mom does and I might not have a day to day relationship with some family members, but, if something happened to them, I'm pretty sure I'd be there in a heartbeat. Even family members that I'm estranged from, for this or that reason. If my black sheep uncle actually needed me, like he was sick or injured or dying, I'd be there. No matter how crazy my grandma got, I couldn't break that relationship. I know that isn't how many people feel. Moneypenny and his parents have severed their relationship with most of their extended family, which serves them well in many ways, and I don't judge them for that. TyRoy, no matter how much he does love his family, doesn't put the same premium on being with them for holidays, for various reasons, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love his parents or that he wouldn't give both his kidneys to his niece if she needed them. Once again, different strokes for different folks. And I'm sure that my way hasn't always served me well, has prevented me from saying 'no' when I should have. Right now, I have the future-anxiety of how much I'll be involved in caring for my step-dad's parents, if/when they need more care, and how I'll be able to balance my desire and obligation to care for them with doing the other things I want to do in my life, especially when that means not living in the metro area where I live. The same is also true when I think of my parents growing older, as I'm the only child.

Family is also not defined strictly by blood or marriage for me. I have a few close friends that I think of as family. This very much includes Moneypenny and TyRoy. I think that anyone who I've been romantically involved with who is involved in my day to day life afterwards and has been there 3+ years seems a shoe in for being family. If my uncle showed me anything, it's that you can make your own family and keep your blood family too, and that it helps everyone if you all have others to carry your burdens.

On the other hand, I know that I rely heavily on my close blood relatives, especially my parents, to the point of taking them and their generosity for granted sometimes. They don't have to let me live here, rent free at the moment. They don't have to help me financially when I'm unemployed or in a tight spot. I'll probably never be able to repay them all they've given me, though I'm sure that can be said of most child/parent relationships.

But I'm a bit ambivalent about taking help, especially financially, from others, especially non-blood/marriage relations. Though the family on my mom's side was always close and leaned on each other, my mom pushed me to have my own money and be independent. This is good advice for anyone, but was important advice for her to pass on to me after her experience being married to my father, not being able to leave the relationship when she wanted to because of the financial situation. While I've not been as great at this as I've wanted to be, the principle/aspiration stuck. In the realm of dating, even living together, until I was married, I never had a significant other who regularly paid more than half for things. I'm not faulting them for that. At the time, those people and I were usually pretty broke. Unless it was a birthday, dinner out was usually fast food and whoever had money that week paid. When I first got with BT, I was a bit flush with cash and paid for almost everything until he was getting full pay from the army. While we were married, theoretically, he didn't see any need for me to work and we could make all the necessities and have money left over to save for after he got back (though that was purely theoretic.) I tried to be a good wifey, spend my time taking care of his needs, be available at crazy hours to talk to him online, etc. (Honestly, that was mostly theoretical too.) But I (mostly) didn't feel bad about "mooching" off of him. In fact, the way Army pays, a part of that money was supposed to be JUST for his spouse, even if we were legally separated, up until any divorce was final. The next person I was involved with was TyRoy, who I've never seen let anyone pay for a check in my life. In the day to day, he didn't really spoil me while we were living together, but he paid the general bills. There I didn't really feel bad either because I knew he'd pay the same amount on the bills if I was there or not. I tried to contribute as much as possible in other ways and, in all honesty, I knew he just didn't want to be alone in that big ol' house, so I didn't really think he minded me being there.

But now I'm not romantically with any of these people, or anyone else for that matter, and I'm ambivalent about them helping me financially. I'll be honest- I'm probably not going to turn them down, but will try to be grateful and gracious in accepting their help. What I'm wondering about is if I should feel guilty about that. With the exception of letting them pay for gas to go see them or dinner/concerts/movies when we're together, the things that people have offered to pay for, already paid for, are...well, not necessities, but quite helpful. Like parts for my broken computer so I can look for work online at all hours, not worry about my parents needing their computer or having the light or noise wake them up. Or recharging the A/C in my old car, so I can go to interviews without being remembered as the sweaty woman. These were things they offered, not something I asked for, though I'm not currently turning down. But I worry that accepting this financial help goes against the principle of being self-sufficient and independent that I really want to work on, though am falling woefully short of at the moment. I'm not necessarily the kind of person who can't accept help and gods knows I've tried to help others when I could, even financially. But this feels different.

This week, when I told Therapist (yes, that's her pseudonym!) about TyRoy buying me the components for my computer, which weren't cheap, she asked why I thought he did that. Maybe my ambivalent feelings are coming from that fact that I'm not really sure. I've never really been sure why he was so generous, but I guess I was always afraid that asking would stop that behavior, so I didn't. At the time, I told Therapist that he's just generous. I'd like to say that TyRoy and Moneypenny are generous financially because I'm generous in other ways. Maybe it's that they love (small l love, like you love your family, not in love) me. Maybe it's because they love me (again small l) and want to take care of me. Maybe it's because they're men and they see a woman in distress, know they can help financially so they do. I kinda shoot down the idea that they are trying to get into my pants because that's completely free and neither of them is currently trying to take advantage of that pay in.

I suppose it's difficult for me to think that these friendships, which I view as family, these (male) people that I would do anything for, but have no plans of current or future romantic or sexual relationships with, are actually as deep for them as they are for me. My commitment is that I'd go running to their non-local home to care for them if they needed it, though I can't contribute to their lives financially. Their commitment is that they can contribute financially to these specific one time things that will help me right now, but they can't drop their jobs, their life, where they are now to come take care of me. On both sides, I think it shows that we dedicate what we have, what we can do, what we can give up, to help the other, to demonstrate that we're in this, that we aren't going anywhere. And to me, that's family. Thanks guys. I'll try to pay it forward (and maybe back) when I can.

Bomb It and Start Again

All last week, all I could really think was how much I wished I could just start over. Move far away and become a different person. There are so many reasons why my life right now sucks ass.

• Apparently I'm a horrible shrew who nags, never lets things go, and lives to far away for the only sex partner I have (had, who knows). Though I should keep in mind that, if I was a guy, my sex partner would inevitably find me an unavailable, uncommunicative dickhead.
• Other would be dating partner and I finally tossed in the towel, after months of me not making any moves on her. Also, she's *TOTALLY* in love with her new-old boyfriend. Which is funny because she said that she wasn't so keen on dating another bi girl because she didn't want to be a side salad to the chicks main course boyfriend.
• I have a ton of shitty debts, most unavoidable, like medical bills, that I can't pay so I'm leaching off of others for that and always wondering how I'm going to pay for them.
• I can't find a job to save my life. Last week, a corporation where I applied for, tested for, and interviewed for 2 positions at sent me a total of four rejection letters, just in case one letter per job didn't give me enough of a clue that they don't want me.
• Volunteering isn't going much better, as I feel so uncomfortable trying to sell people on the organization who are unresponsive or uninterested that I psyche myself out (not in the good way) for later attempts and then just throw in the town all together. Though today I finally heard from the animal shelter. I think I'd be more fulfilled cleaning puppy and kitty poop.
• Gram has diabetes and is not following the "diabetic diet" for shit. It could be worse. It's not like she was eating sugar and crap before this. But she does eat lots of starch without any balance. And we aren't there, so we can't make her eat, cook for her, etc. Just another health thing to worry about with her. And each time I try to talk to Mom about one of us being out there with her, I just get shot down, which is sort of a relief because I would be the one and most of me doesn't want to do it, but I still feel like it should be done. It's frustrating. It'd be easier to not think about it or deal with it.
• I'm hella tired of my own drugs. I'm tired of the "side effects" that can't be treated with other drugs, the ones that other people seem to just brush off. As MP says, the drugs make me a whole lot less dead, which means that everyone else things they are worth the price paid. But, as I've asked before, when is it not worth it to live as someone else on the meds? I'm tired of being slow, of not feeling like myself, of not being able to even come up with ideas to write fiction stories from, of not being able to make connections between things, of feeling like my IQ is 20 points lower than before, of not feeling creative, of not feeling or wanting to be sexy. I'm tired of the acne, the hair loss, the shakes, the twitches, the change in taste in and of food, and gaining weight at exponential rates.

So, why not go? Why am I still sending out applications for jobs? Why am I cruising CL for a new lover? Why am I making plans for what "homemaker"-y stuff I'm going to do tomorrow?

Well, first, did you read about the job thing? Which leads to a whole "no-money" things?

Oh, yeah, and my uncle has a new tumor. Seems the experimental drug isn't working anymore. He has a broken rib that won't heal because there is a tumor in the middle of it. His oncologist at the Big Cancer Clinic weaseled him into a study they are doing in Slightly Larger Midwestern City, which is good because it is closer to him, but not so great because he has to see Gram everytime he goes. But he's in alot of pain alot of the time and... well, he's not dying this minute or maybe in the next couple of months or maybe even the next year, but it seems like that whole "dance in celebration of remission" the family did was a little premature, if it was even warranted at all. He's 38, for chissakes! He'd just came out and gotten comfortable and gotten a place where he felt at home and now this. (And I guess this is the bargaining phase but) Why couldn't it have been me? At least I want to/have wanted to die.

I just want a couple things to go right at the same time. And for me not to fuck them up.

Sometimes I Feel Like I Can't Do Anything Right

Even when I am doing better, it still feels like it is never enough. As I said in my last post, I am frustrated and disappointed with how my job search is going, or not going as the case may be, and with how little I'm actually doing currently for the places that I have tried to volunteer with. Thankfully, I was able to be more productive for my household, but it still doesn't feel like enough. When a person's largest problem is that they don't don't feel like they are worthwhile or contribute to society on the whole, it doesn't help that person to actually not be able to contribute in a positive way to their own livelyhood.

Another recent development that hasn't really helped me is that I've started going through a decent amount of pain for a frustrating percentage of my time. I'm not really sure why this is either. In high school, I started seeing a chiropractor after prolonged back and neck pain and limited upper body mobility that my general practicioner didn't really think was anything at all. It is the chiropractor's opinion (and mine) that my back and neck pain are probably a result of a car accident when I was 12. I see him on an irregular basis, when I have an issue. I have, at different times, experienced nagging leg pain, what I imagine restless leg syndrome feels like. It usually only bothers me when I lay down to sleep. Stretching gives me temporary relief. At my most recent physical in July when I was having this problem, the doctor's nurse told me that it was a vitamin deficiency and to start regularly taking a multi-vitamin. This in combination with a trip to the chiropractor stopped the pain. For awhile at least. I had to stop the multi-vitamin about a month in because it had iron and iron causes me to have horrible heavy periods. I should have looked for another but it is very hard to find a multi-vitamin without iron. And I mostly didn't have any more problems with it until last month. Maybe one night here and there, but nothing like this. The nagging pain has started to bother me when I am sitting as well as when I lay down to sleep. It makes me want to move, to stretch out farther in bed, to shift position, which makes me not a great person to sleep in the same bed with or to even sit on the couch with sometimes. And the pain has started to spread to my forearms. I've been taking ibeprophen every 6 hours. I went to the chiropractor two weeks ago. It helped for a couple days, but then came back. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not sure if it is the result of back problems and nerve pinching. And I can't really afford to go to... well, any doctor to explore what it could be. But it sure makes sleeping and functioning even less fun that it was before. I'm kinda screwed all the way around.

Then there is the latest bit of drama. BT's ex gf, the one he was with after he left me, sent me a message on myspace to apologize for everything. I responded, thanking her, telling her that, though she said she didn't believe anything he had said about he and I, I had a hand in the end of the relationship, that I wasn't innocent, and that I didn't wish her ill, as there was enough blame to go around. I also told BT that she had contacted me, giving him the gist of the conversation but not copying it, because I didn't want him to find out through her or any mutual friends of theirs and be upset that I hadn't told him. I am really trying hard to be civil and friendly with him. She replied with some info about their relationship that I hadn't asked for, though it had to do with some legal issues I knew they were having that I really don't want to be a part of. That's when I heard from BT- he wanted a copy of the messages to use in the legal wranglings, despite my saying that they weren't going to help him. While he didn't get angry, as far as I could tell, he did REALLY want me to give them to him. When I let her know about his request, including the fact that I had told him to have his JAG lawyer call me or get a court order, she got mad at me for ever having told him about her messaging me. So, in a petty moment, I said fuck it to myself and sent it on to him. There was a moment in there when I felt like maybe I wasn't going to be the hated pariah in this whole situation. Maybe my ex-husband wouldn't hate me and we could at least be civil, even if we couldn't be friends, and I wouldn't feel like the woman he got with after me, who no doubt heard lots of bad things about me and felt all kinds of bad things about me, many because she felt that I had hurt the man she loved, doesn't hate me. Guess not.

Fuck. I really wish I could drink without a blindingly painful hangover, because getting really drunk is about all I can come up with right now.

Update to "More freewrite..."

This is what BT posted as a comment to this post on Myspace:

All that I wanted was to let yo know that I still think about you, still
care about you, and still worry about you. I am very sorry if all that upsets
you, so do not fear, I will be gone from Kansas in about 3 months, back to
active duty, and another state, and hopefully back to Iraq. I am very sorry if
my calling you upset you, but something inside me told me to call you, and you
know that I always follow those instincts. But you may rest easy, as you just
said, you are not sure you want us to remain friends, so I will not contact you
again, and if you wish, my phone will always be on for you, as I do still care
for you.Goodbye Ava

So I don't know what to write or say to that. It seems to be to just be more "woe is me" without ever taking credit for anything or asking what one could do to make it better. What fucking bullshit. You know, no one makes me want to hurt myself like him....

And SERIOUSLY- you care about me??? Where was all this caring when you left me less than a week after I got out of the hospital and promptly moved another woman into your place? Where was that caring when you demanded that I do all the work for a divorce and beg my parents for money so that I could pay for it, so that you could marry that woman, so that her and her children could get your military benefits when you re-deployed, despite all your claims of horrendous PTSD? Caring is about what you actually DO, all the time, not just a phone call here and there, not just words that don't mean anything when not backed up by actions, and not just when the newest crazy bitch allows you to talk to your female friends and exes. And I fully allow that you can and probably should hate me forever for what I did to you. That's why I left you alone once I got that you were really gone, except to talk about the real issues of the divorce. But you don't seem to want to allow me to have my pain over what happened. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! "They say time heals everything but I'm still waiting."

More freewriting than writing...

Can't sleep because of my "restless leg syndrome". Ok, so it probably isn't that but I don't know what the hell to call it and it sure as hell feels like what the commercials describe. Keep thinking that I should have stolen some of my Gram's meds for RLS when I was visiting last week. And a few Vicoden while I was at it.

Laying here wondering why you called me. St Patty's Day. You were between bars. I can't deny that a part of me envies those who can and do go out to bars, drink, smoke, have a good time, though I also have to admit that I wasn't that wild when I was drinking, mostly due to a lack of designated drivers. But I think I kinda rained on your parade when you called. I didn't have much to say, no recent good news in my life, and I wasn't happy and drunk myself.

But I'm not sure what you expect to hear. I don't exactly feel comfortable telling you about seeing and fucking my ex-bf while I was out of town visiting my grandmother, the one who really dislikes you, the one who just got out of jail and still owes me money that I got from you. And I know you don't want to hear about the only consistent friendship and bed partner that I do have, a man you despise and think stole me from you, among other crimes. And you've known that for the past couple of weeks I've been too depressed to really do much of anything, including hang out with most of my other friends or do anything constructive, like get a fucking job. Thankfully, just the driving and singing of my road trip helped that some, but.... I don't really feel like you want to hear about me being happy. Hell, I didn't feel like hearing you all happy-drunk, especially because of issues that were between us about alcohol. Not that I begrudge you happiness, but I just wish it felt like it was a little more real and lasting, instead of something that can only fuel more drama in your life.

The day before this call, while sitting at a red light, the driver of the car next to me lit up a cigarette. The weater was beautiful and we both had our windows down. I caught a long, lingering whiff of her cigarette smoke before the light changed. It reminded me of you. One might think that, after a childhood living with my grandparents who both smoked like chimnees, I would associate the smell of cigarette smoke with them. And I guess I do, but I usually associate them with the smell of stale, lingering cigarette smoke in a too-small room. But fresh cigarette smoke..... Hell, if it wasn't for the interest of another man, memories of you might have ruined my experience at a day-before-Valentine's-Day party. One of the other players at my Spin The Bottle table was a smoker. He tasted like you. Hell, he even kissed kinda like you. And a Juggalo to boot.

So I'm still wondering what you expected when you called last night. I guess I just think it is all a little too soon for all this. Even if I wanted to remain friends with you, which I'm honestly not sure I do want to, because it hurts to fucking much still, I'm not sure I'm in a place to do that. When people are friends with their exes, they usually end up trying to get back together. Unless they have significant others at the time, in which case they just cheat. The prime example being my ex-bf I just saw and all your ex-gfs who crawled out of the woodwork once you were married and gainfully employed. Just don't know what the fuck you wanted or expected. Not sure any answer will actually make me sleep any better.....

Now That It's Over - Everclear

Now That It's Over - Everclear

Yeah right!

One, two, three, four

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it's over
Break down, shake for me
Don't write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it's over

Maybe we can be friends
Now that we're older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it's over

Yeah right!

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it's over
Oh yeah...

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do
My nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell

Yeah right!

Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you're leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I'm dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just wakin' up in my own way
Now that it's over
Now that it's over

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do
Nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it's over...

Every break-up has two sides. I made lots of mistakes, huge mistakes, heart-breaking unforgivable mistakes. I won't say I fucked him over as bad as he fucked me over, but I think that it'd be hard for a stranger who heard both side, or just watched it like a movie, to say who did worse. Either we are both villians or we are both victims. But it doesn't mean that we both don't still have, and shouldn't have, a shitload of pain and anger. This song could come from either of us or both of us.

I never thought I'd be divorced before I was 30. I never thought I'd be divorced. I never thought I'd be married.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

"Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today."-Tammy Wynette

October 2007 to February 2009. That is as long as my marriage lasted. It's bittersweet.

I've been trying to pickup and organize my living space (basement) lately, a little at a time. Last night, I finally got around to putting honeymoon pictures into the photo albums I'd bought for my mom and I. Yeah, I've been either distracted or lazy for at least a year. I had put photos into albums for BT's grandmother and mother, even sent a small album overseas to BT himself, just never got around to doing my own. And I'm guessing Mom won't want hers now, but I wanted to get it done and then put away. It was nice to remember that short but amazing time we were together, the things I probably never would have done without him, but they were just memories.

I tried to get to bed early. That didn't work so well, but I still got myself up early to get ready for court. Shower. Dress. Passed up wearing the black dress slacks that I got married in. Put on a necklace and perfume bought with love by someone else, makeshift amulets to protect my heart and spirit. Make-up to cover the acne caused by the new drugs and to make myself look more serious in front of the judge. I snap several pictures of myself before I go, to see if I look different after all of this is done.

Alone, by my own choice, I drove to the courthouse, parked, found the courtroom, and a seat in the gallery. It wasn't quite traffic court. More glossy wood than that. But not quite the courtroom of "Law & Order" either. I was early. I was trembling, shaking, nervous. I'd never been in a courtroom before. Settled in with a Newsweek on top of the bright yellow folder that held all my divorce documents, the signed decree of divorce that had arrived just the day before in the mail.

The judge was an older, slim, white haired gentleman, infinitely patient with the people who's cases were before him. Very few people had lawyers. The two cases before me were uncontested cases where only one party came to wrap things up, just as mine was. Just give the decree to the judge to sign and the settlement to him to review. Take the stand to answer his questions, full names, where and when the marriage occured, affirm incompatability, is the wife returning to her former name, do you think the settlement is fair and equable, thank you. Then file the papers with the clerk and send a copy to the other party.

It was pretty easy, all things considered, easier than many folks' divorces. Probably because we are both broke and poor and don't have children together. On the other hand, I have to say I feel like it shouldn't be easier to get into this contract than it is to get out of it. Then again, hopeless romantic that I am, I am a huge supporter of prenuptual agreements. Make arrangements when you love each other, to avoid fighting even more once you hate each other.

I left the courthouse feeling slightly more free and much more settled. I have a certain amount of closure, even though I'll always have unanswerable questions. I rode back home, listening to Ani, who he claimed was just another man-hating feminist singer, in response to my distaste for the unflattering, only-good-for-sex picture that one of the musical groups he liked painted of women. *Sigh* But it's over now. Back to the life that is my new normal. Change out of my dressy court clothes, so that I can do some yard work. I have to pick up more shit. Only this shit is from the four-legged variety of dog. It's smellier, but less emotionally toxic.

Recent Events

Now that the meds aren't quite so oppressive and I'm realizing that I can't live any kind of actual life sitting on my parents' futon, I'm trying to get out a bit, reconnect with friends, make new friends, in addition to looking for work. I've kinda had a paralyzing social anxiety since I've been out of the hospital, which was probably good at that time, or I would have just had sex continuously with anyone after BT left. But it isn't good for the long-term. So I'm hanging out with long-term friends that I''m currently JUST friends with in the next couple weeks. I'm also chatting online with some possible new "friends" who have varying levels of desired commitments. I'm just playing it by ear.

But friends, well, relationships with people in general are... well, tough. I'm volatile, inconsistent, and generally difficult to deal with over a long period of time. MP told me last week that I really needed to understand that dealing with me, at least when I'm not doing well, can take a great deal out of a person. And I'm not good at spreading that stress around either. It usually lands squarely on the person that I'm closest to at the time, often my significant other. I'm intellectually aware of this, but that doesn't really do much good when I'm not doing well and my emotions have control. I'm trying, even if it doesn't seems like it. And I'm trying even harder now, after a week of almost constant arguing with TyRoy, and managing to get myself into a mean-ish disagreement with MP today. Ugh.

While I know that what I really need is intense therapy for... well, forever, I'm trying to just focus on being as normal as possible. The first part of that is getting a job. I apply daily for jobs. I have a preliminary group interview/testing/fingerprinting for a temporary seasonal government job in January. I am playing phone tag with two human resource recruiters. I am on the available list for several temporary employment agencies. Until then, I'm trying to make up for being a jobless bum with doing stuff for my folks around the house. Though I'm still not good at cooking anything that I don't like, which usually means a noodle dish. I made tuna noodle casserole last week. Yum. I'm hoping to get a full-time (or even part-time) job with health insurance. Then I could get the therapy. One thing at a time though.

But I'm still making use of the health insurance that I have while I have it. I got a birth control implant. It lasts for three years. I'm SO happy about it. I've been asking doctors about longer term birth control options since I started this insurance and I was mostly rebuffed. I can't do the monthly shots because they have been known to drastically increase depression. I didn't want to do the ring because I've heard it fails. I'm tired of the pills and there's too much risk of missing a day. I wanted an IUD. My primary care physician said that I should stick with the pill, since I took other pills everyday anyway. But now that I'm on these meds and about to lose my health insurance, the gynecologist was happy to give me something else, though she suggested the implant instead since IUDs can make infections (like STDs) travel faster and it would have to be taken out if I had any procedure for abnormal cervical cells. Hell, maybe she just gets a kickback on the implants. Either way, I have it now and I'm super happy to have 3 years of birth control all paid for and off my mind. Though my arm kinda hurts right now.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I made a list of the side effects of the lithium to talk to him about. I don't know what will happen with it. I don't even know what I want to happen with it. We'll see.

In the definatively bad news category, my computer blew up Sunday. It shut itself off Saturday night. I thought it might just have been hot or something so I left it alone. When I tried to turn it on Sunday afternoon, nothing happened. NOTHING. My uncle's boyfriend, who built the computer for me, suggested I check the outlet, the surge protector, and then the power cord. I got to the final one, switching the power cords for the monitor and the CPU. There was a spark in the middle of the CPU, then a bigger, longer lasting spark in the back by the power supply. It smelled like burning. Sigh. I think it's completely fried. I just hope we can salvage my memory because I was too lazy to backup my music and pictures and writing.

That doesn't help with the "new friends" department. I'm using my mom's computer right now and only have access to two pictures that I sent out recently. I was supposed to meet someone for coffee today. I'm pretty cautious when I meet new people from the internet, asking for full name and phone number when I meet someone in public, and making sure that someone has that info, where I am, and expect me to check in. Maybe I'm paranoid, but anyone could be a psycho killer and I'd like to at least give the cops some clues. Also, I have people around me (Mom, TyRoy) who insist on the info, insist on me taking some steps to protect myself. Well, the man I was supposed to meet today took offense to that. He said that he never gave that information out. He attributed it to the fact that someone had recently stolen his identity. If that is true, then I think that is aweful, but it doesn't mean I'm going to not protect myself. When I told him why I need the info, he said that I just shouldn't date but stay at home with my parents were I was safe. He also said that he dates all the time and no one has ever asked him for that information. And it might be true that they don't ask him before they meet him, but I can't imagine that women are happy to date him without knowing his last name or having a phone number that they can call him on. And I am aware that dating is never safe, meeting people is never safe, nothing is ever completely safe. But I'm not so scared that I don't go out at all, don't meet people at all, and I don't want to be. But I don't feel like it's wrong to ask for those other things. I'm not asking for your social security number, for christ's sake. And I've never had a guy not give me that info. I did have one guy give me a completely false name, though MP quickly found his real name for me. hehehe. Even married guys will give me that info. I understand that other people want to feel safe and secure too and I don't want to make anyone feel un-safe. Both people need to feel as safe as possible. But I don't know you and I don't know what possible risks there are in being around you and, as I don't know you, I'm more worried about my safety than I am yours. Oh well. Whatever.

Oh, and apparently, in addition to the friends that I've driven to anger by my actions lately and the possible dates who I've upset, BT completely hates me. It isn't like I haven't done wrong. It isn't like he didn't have every right to leave me. But I guess I always hoped we'd be friends. I at least hoped we'd be civil if I wasn't picking fights. And I've really tried not to make the situation worse. I haven't texted unless I needed something. I told him before I took cash. I mailed the mail of his that came to my house to him. I told his mom to give the woman he's with now a chance because she makes him really happy. I even did all the paperwork and paid for the divorce that he wanted, that he now says he wants so he can marry this other woman. But none of that matters because of what I've done. Oh, and because I"m fat. He's found someone smaller and better who he really loves (guess he never really loved me?) and he hopes that I can develop some self-respect. (His words, not my extrapolation.) Sigh. I do hope he's happy and that it all works out for everyone involved.

I guess what it all really makes me wonder is how long and how much people should have to suffer for the bad things they do? I know that this is just me paying for the wrong I did him. I'm not paying for a larger wrong that I did to many people, for a wrong that is illegal. And maybe for him, it is right that I should be looked down upon and hated and belittled by him for the rest of our lives, even if I lived a perfect life from here on out, even if I did anything and everything I could think of or he could tell me to do as penance. It's not like I'm talking about getting back with him, him loving me, maybe not even talking about being friends. But just not being insulting for no good reason. (And do you really think it's a good idea to insult someone who is already suicidal, self-harming, and has zero self-esteem? Don't you think she already feels like shit?) "You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind/I dont know why you gotta be angry all the time."

Makes me wonder about people who have done much worse things. How do you do the penance? How do you live with yourself and what you've done and still have the strength to work to make it better? I think about my uncle, the middle child between my mom and my youngest uncle. Since his teens, he's struggled with addiction and done so much damage. There was a time when my grandparents told him they wouldn't help him come back to the area where they lived. Not sure when the last time was that he asked. He's traveled the country, living in all kinda of places, struggled with substance abuse. I was too young to know what was going on when he lived near us. But last Christmas my grandmother paid for him to visit, since her sixth sense told her that it would be my grandfather's last Christmas. Gram said he was sober now. I was there for the first part of the visit, before I left to visit BT's family with him. In a couple days, when Grandpa was admitted to the hospital, that uncle got drunk. He got beligerent with my other uncle, who has completely written him off after having to grow up in the shadow of his brother's delinquency. My diplomatic mother was the only one who could deal with him. When he was still drunk and unruly the next morning, my grandmother drove him to the bus station and sent him back home early. If that hadn't been the case, he might have been there when his father passed a few days later. When I called to break the news, he made it all about him. I'm still upset. I'm upset that my grandmother actively pursues contact with him after all that. I wonder if I could rise above all that if he was ever to really try to change his life, if he tried to act unselfishly towards me and/or our family. But I haven't had to deal with his bs as much. My other uncle has and I honestly don't think that he could ever forgive his brother. Maybe the better comparison for me would be if my bio father changed and wanted to be a part of my life. But it's difficult for me to compare myself to them. Is the damage I did to BT in just a little over a year compare?

Sigh. I just don't know. All I can do is try to be the best person I can be to everyone, regardless of if they recognize it or care. I'm not claiming to be a saint. I imagine they are good people because they are good people by nature. I try to be a good person so I have less to feel bad about. I'm not a martyr. I still do selfish things and I don't see these things as sacrifice. If I did, I might not do it. I just don't want people to hate me.

On that note, I'm going to bed.

Rock Paper Scissors - Ani DiFranco

What seems like a lifetime ago, I did a bunch of things to drive BT away, I think because I thought it would be easier to deal with my guilt over the things I'd done wrong if he hated me or was at least mad at me. At the time, he said that nothing I could do or say would make him hate me and nothing would make him give up. Well, the second part obviously wasn't true, but I can't blame him for that. When he left, I said the same thing back to him, that I'd do anything to be with him again, that I'd wait forever, that I'd take him back under any circumstances, all the things you say in those desperate moments when someone you love leaves you. It's not to say that I didn't mean it then. But there's only so much a person can take and eventually one has to move on. This song really hits at the heart of how I feel on giving up right now. Yes, I know, I love Ani DiFranco. We can talk more about that later.

Rock Paper Scissors - Ani DiFranco
it's rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all.
it's hand against hand
and both hands are mine.
it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy.
a happy meal with a surprise inside.
surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes,
exposing all the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide.

this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up
and tame the stallions of my wildest expectations.

but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain.
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain?

i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene.
yeah desire drags me right out of myself
like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal.
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames ripple on the sand and swallow me whole.

but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations.

but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way l
ike a bird into the sky of my brain.

I'm Not Over - Carolina Liar

I'd heard this song before on the local alternative station, but it never struck me before like it does now. I empathize with the ambivalence of the situation, the contrary but simultaneous feelings of wanting to be out but also not, over feeling like you are better on your own but also not, etc. Anyway.... Enjoy.


I'm Not Over - Carolina Liar
What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind
But I never missed a beat
Can't explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over

Never took the chance, could've jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Couldn't cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Was it all a joke, never had control
I'm not better on my own

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over

What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Can't explain this thing, or what I mean
I'm trying to let go

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
I'm not over

Video on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANZ5xXlNCC4

Post I Don't Want to Write

So I've been MIA lately. And I've written this post a thousand times in my head over the past couple of weeks, trying to find what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. If I wrote the latest version of everything in my head, you'd be reading it forever. So I decided that I'd try to be as short and blunt about it as I can be and then I'll revisit topics as I want and as I see fit. But mapping this new landscape is like creating a topography of sand dunes- it feels impossible because everything is always shifting. But I feel I can't write about anything specific without laying it all out, so here goes:

When we last left our heroine, she was trying to get it together to work this job that she hated but she was back with her husband, the newly returned soldier, so she thought she could do it.

So, I went to hang out with BT before I was supposed to go back to the job I detested. While it mostly went well, I was really anxious about going to the job. Finally, he and I talked it over and he was going to let me get off without going back to that job if I started looking for another job starting that night online while he did stuff around his place. But he wasn't feeling well and he wanted me to leave. I wasn't happy about that. I spiralled out of control, allowing my anger and the depression to take over. With pills and alcohol, I tried to kill myself. BT ended up calling the police because he was worried that I was too far gone. The cops took me to a local emergency room and then I got admitted to the hospital I was in last year. I was there for the better part of a week, during which my parents and BT visited me when they could. TyRoy was worried about me and I kept him updated on my condition over his voicemail. The couple of times we actually talked while I was in the hospital, we fought, in all honesty because I was being difficult about making the most of the treatment there. And I asked him not to visit because I knew that it would only cause more trouble with BT. My doc put me on a new medication- LITHIUM. It's typically used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar disorder, which isn't really my diagnosis, though obviously my moods do need some normalization. But it sucks, sucks, sucks. More about the lithium as we go.

Almost as soon as I got out of the hospital, BT and I started a rollercoaster of arguing and making up then arguing some more. I won't try to act like I don't bear some/alot of the blame for that. Because of both times that BT had lied in the last year and the secrets/lies that I was keeping at the time, I have a difficult time trusting any men, especially BT. So when he left me because a (female) friend had called about a (male) friend of theirs who was in a bad way and needed BT's help, I was distraught and thought he was cheating with the (female) friend. He kept wanting time away from me, which he said was a result of not being comfortable around anyone since coming back from his deployment. It was horrible timing for me. Not only had he said the whole time that he was gone that he'd want to be with me 24/7 when he got back, but I really didn't want to be alone after the hospitalization, while I was still getting adjusted to the new drugs. As those first couple of days out of the hospital went by, I started experiencing more and more severe side effects connected to the new drugs. I felt physically weak and ill most of the time. And I wasn't feeling any better mentally, especially not after we'd fight. I still just wanted to die.

Things came to a head when I came out with the secrets I'd been keeping and the few lies that I had told and told again. As I was already feeling worthless, revealing these things made me feel not only the betrayal of my husband but also like a worthless slut whore. As these things are already sore spots for me and my depression, it all made me feel even worse. And BT just wanted me not to be around. During this conversation, I gave him my rings and told him that he deserved better than to be married to a whore. For quite a while, he wouldn't let me leave until I'd taken the rings back and promised that I wouldn't hurt myself. I would do neither. I left the house but came back. At that point, I took my rings back. After more squabbling, he made me promise that I'd be around to "do the paperwork" for a divorce. At the time, I thought this was more about the "being around" than doing the paperwork.

I let him know when I got home that night but then I didn't hear from him for two days. When I finally did, I found out that he was serious. He said he was done, couldn't forgive the lies I'd told, couldn't deal with the fighting, and just wanted a divorce. I went to his place to change his mind but he texted that he'd already left there. I decided I would just jump off a local bridge. I was tired of things that didn't work. But then, as I was mustering up my courage, sitting in my car in a parking lot, a group of young men and a couple women, all dressed in camo uniforms (BDUs?) started pulling up. While it would be the first time that I cussed up a storm about something military, it is definately not the last. I feel like I can't get away from military shit lately, which only reminds me of BT, though I'm trying to change that.....We'll see how it goes. Though I have no idea what branch these people were with or what the frak they were doing there, I figured they would probably not let a distraught woman jump to her certain death, so I drove home. And started the long slow.... well, less march, more....sit to get through the darkest part.

TyRoy has been a good friend through all of this. I met him because he was going through a divorce and needed a friend. He understands what it's like to have to give up a relationship that you don't want to leave. And, while he warned me about his lustful nature when I'd ask to come over, he never actually tried anything, at least not until I put out that I wanted something. He just let me be someplace that wasn't home, with all the reminders of BT, and held me and talked to me. BT let me know a week after the initial breakup that he'd moved on with his (female) friend. Even though alot of people in my inner circle have suggested that I make this breakup and divorce as difficult and painful as possible for BT, I figure they don't have to sleep in my body with my brain running every night. I've already done enough in my life that I regret, things that just add to my "I'm a horrible person who deserves pain and death" mantra. I don't want to add hurting someone that I love very much. His life has been hard and so has mine. I did horrible things to him and he did them to me. But I have to be responsible for my actions and I don't want to do anymore to cause pain and suffering. And, to tell the truth, I still want to be with him. I'm trying to leave him be and I do hope that he is happy and I'm doing my best not to do anything that will even look like it's attempting to sabatoge his new relationship. Including trying to tell his mom that I'm the reason we broke up and that she should accept this new girlfriend.

As for me and my life, well, I'm working on it. I didn't move from the couch in my den for a week after I got the news. Then I made the trip to see my Gram with my Mom and got to spend a little time with my ex, who I think is in jail now. But it gave me other people to worry about, which is something. I started doing a bit more. Spent time with TyRoy and got laid. Alot. The side effects started easing up. The drugs intensified the tremor that runs in my family and, though that hasn't eased up, I am pushing myself to do things and deal with it. I still have a low appetite but I'm just trying to eat when my family eats. While I crave soda, I know that my body needs more water while I'm on the meds, so I try to alternate a can of soda with a 32 oz glass of water. And, thankfully, the "fog" is mostly gone. I still get spells, but I'm not completely out of it all the time. So I decided to start looking for work. Until I find a job, I'm going to try to keep somewhat of a daytime schedule and do stuff around the house to help my folks. And, once I start working, I'm going to save as much as possible, so that I never have to feel like I can't just go whenever I want.

Ok, so that wasn't as short as I was hoping but there you have what's happened lately. I'm sure I'll write more about what I think these things mean and what I've learned, or at least am trying to learn.

UPDATE 1: I Have a JOB...for now

I was supposed to go to my second day of work Friday night at 11pm. I had written the previous post at 9am, thinking that, if I just got some rest, took some happy pills, I'd be better and I'd just go to work, no biggie. I slept all day, until I had to get up at 9pm to get ready to go to work. I spent half of my time in the shower laying at the bottom of the tub, crying. Obviously, I wasn't feeling any better. But I even got dressed. I sat with my bag next to me, coat across my lap, in the dark in the comfy chair in the computer room. Then, right before 10, just before the one hour prior call in time and just before going back to bed in a depression induced stupor, I called in to the job. I just told them I was calling in for the night. My arm hurt. (Which it kinda did after using the arm I hurt falling off the truck to throw packages the night before.) Then I called in to the temp place, which was of course closed, and left them a message too, just like I was supposed to. Only I think this one was slightly more rambling. When BT asked me tonight what exactly I said, I told him that I think it was something about how the job was killing my soul and I wasn't going back. (At which point he smacked his own head and hung his head there in his hands.) BT suggests I call back tomorrow (or actually today- Sunday), leave another message on their voice mail, saying I was out of my mind, I want to work the job and I will be there as scheduled on Monday if they will still have me, please, please, please. I think 1) I'm going to ask my mom about it, 2) I'm going to ask TyRoy about it, 3) I'm going to ask MP about it (though his answer Friday morning was that it gets much easier once your soul dies), and 4) if I continue with this job, I think I'll have to take 2 of my 3 daily happy pills at my last break, to get me through the rest of the day.

Another big problem I have is with the "one hour mandatory overtime." I was told by my temp agency that I was to work 11pm-730am (which means 8 hours and no paid lunch time though you still have to take it). Fine, no biggie. But at 6am, my leader asks me if my agency had told me about the one hour mandatory overtime. No, my agency had not. My agency had warned m that I might have to stay later if there was more work and that I might get sent home before 8 hours was up if they just didn't have enough work for us. As far as I could see, all our work was getting done, so I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing extra for that hour. As everyone had different hours, it was hard for me to see if we were really getting all our work done or if we were behind. But no one told me. That day, I went home at 7:30am, mostly because I think I'd have started crying right there at my desk for no real reason if I'd stayed later. And they'd sent another girl home instead of giving her anymore overtime. Maybe she had been there longer and made more per hour. Either way, it sucked and I made sure I told my temp place that, during business hours, but I had told her that I thought I could hang with it for a while. Then I didn't go in.

But, as I was relating this to BT, who had more sympathy for me than most people in in shoes would, considering he just got back from a 24/7 job that he had for....a year pretty much, 8 months of it in country and that he has always worked shit jobs with long hours and low pay and seems to rarely have had a car so he was always walking too, I started thinking more about how most people live like this. On Friday morning, driving home, I was thinking about my mom and my grandma and my grandpa and my uncle, who have always worked kinda crappy jobs, in one way or another, but never seemed to come home angry. As I was talking to BT, I realized that I can sympathize with guys and girls who come home and are rude and cranky to their kids and spouses because their job sucks and it just took everything they had out of them, but the come home and their kids and spouses want more, which they just don't have to give.

When I got to the thought that maybe that is why my step-dad is so crabby all the time, I realized that I'm just like that. When I work a regular 9-5 kinda job (I include 3rd shift jobs where I work 8 hours in that), I'm just like that. I'm a total raving bitch! I know I"ve told the story in this blog about working the data entry job in the cave, which I hated. I'm not sure if I related how my family wanted me to contribute more, especially by coooking dinner (=what they were used to eating and wanted to eat for dinner) since I was the first one home. That was not an unreasonable demand whatsoever. But the times that my step-dad tried to teach me how to cook specific dishes were disasters, the second one ending in me telling him to cook his own damn dinner and then I went crying into the bathroom, where I stayed for several hours. I now realize that those incidents were just as much about him being a horrible teacher and "why can't I cook what I want to cook" as they were about me coming home from work a raving bitch. I am not a good, sweet, nice person when I come home. I'm not saying that my mom has sunshine coming out of her ass when she comes home from work everday, but she really is a generally cheery person when she comes home. My step-dad is not, ever. And I am really not a cheery person when I come home from a 9-5 job.

What the fuck am I going to do???? Please leave suggestions.

Year Ago Today (or yesterday by now)

I got married a year ago today. In Vegas. It was the happiest day of my life. I was full of plans and dreams and hopes for the future. I knew that my husband would soon been gone, for training and then for deployment. I knew that I would miss him terribly. I knew that it would be an immense burden on the both of us, to spend our first year as a married couple apart, with him dealing with the day in and day out realities of living and fighting in a war zone and with me having do to deal with the day in and day out realities of not really having my partner to lean on when things got too much. And, while I'd never discourage any military personnel for doing their job and I know that it is a job that I could not do, I've never been one of those "ra-ra" military types. I don't seek out men and women in uniform to have relationships with and, in many ways, I'd much prefer to just stick with civilians.

Over this past year, I really have tried. I've tried to get my own demons under control enough that I could be productive enough for the both of us, to keep his life running in the states while he was gone. I tried to keep the plans that we had made going. I tried to keep my own life going on the paths that I wanted it to go on. I tried to be a good person, a good wife. But it never seemsed to be enough. Enough to change the situations that he created on his own end. Enough to stop me from my own retaliations. Enough to keep me sane.

This week has been the perfect storm of bullshit. I had so much stuff that I wanted to accomplish. I thought that my stellar performance of moving BT's stuff to the place that he was going to stay once he returned at the end of the week would be the beginning of a good week. Of course, I hurt myself in the process so some of the more physically taxing projects that I wanted to get done have been slow going. While I did make it to the appointments that I made for myself Wednesday, just as things were starting to look up, I found out that my uncle's white cell count is down again. My mom had to leave almost immediately to drive the three hours to help take care of him. If he was less stubborn, one of us might already be out there helping him all the time, but he wants to do as much of this on his own as he can. While no one is talking about putting him in the hospital yet, we all know that it is a possibility, which will put off his next round chemo even longer.

Then last night, I stayed with TyRoy, feeling much too fragile to stay at my folks house with only my step-dad, who wouldn't notice if I had a techno-disco party in the house, much less if I left. Somehow, it only deteriorated into fighting. I was/am worried about getting the paperwork for the divorce from BT through, especially as everytime I talk to him he tells me about another new assignment he might be getting which will take him away from the metro area. My original plan had been to do the paperwork myself, take it to the country clerk, take his copies to him, take him to the bank where he could get his notarized and we could also take my name off his bank account and then we'd submit the papers to the court. Since only one of us has to be at the court for the hearing, if everything is signed and nothing is contested, it should be a walk in the part after that. But I suppose I was hoping for a bit more time after he got home in which to take care of the papers, like a week or two. In dealing with my uncles's health at the moment, just having moved BT's stuff out, our anniversary, and BT's return home, I just am not emotionally up to the task of doing this right now. But I felt all this pressure to do it RIGHT FUCKING NOW, as early as going and doing it Saturday morning when the bank was open. It was just too much.

Today, I had appointments all set up. I even got up, dressed, hair done, the whole nine. But I made the mistake of sitting down and watching TV in the 30 minutes that I had before I had to leave for my first appointment. I ended up sleeping through both of them. With my day feeling like a waste and the spector of my anniversary hanging over my head, I just took some pills, not enough to hurt, but just enough to wipe me out. Everytime I woke up, I took more and went back to bed. TyRoy found me curled up in the comforter, completely out of it, when he got home from work. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what the "appropriate action" is. And I don't know what the fuck I"m going to do once I finally get all the stuff with BT and I sorted out and over with. I had all these dreams and hopes. But they all involved him. Hell, all my dreams and hopes always seem to involve some man and my relationship to him. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to find out what I want for myself, from myself.

I miss that day a year ago when I was the happiest woman in the world.

Song BT Referenced Yesterday....

I thought I would share, for the non-country music listening readers out there, the song that BT referenced yesterday in our IM chat. It's been on heavy rotation here on country radio and I knew that as soon as he heard it, he would say that this perfectly described the situation between TyRoy, him, and I- that TyRoy had plans to "make me his" and then taken advantage of a moment of weakness in BT and I's relationship.

Do You Believe Me Now?- Jimmy Wayne
Do you remember
the day I turned to you and said
I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you?
yeah
How he made you laugh
you just couldn't get what I was sayin'
it was my imagination

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

I'm kickin' myself
for bein' the one foolish enough givin' him the chance to step in my shoes
ohhh He was bidin' his time
when he saw our love was havin' a moment of weakness
he was there between us

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

oh yeah, I bet now you see the light
oh yeah, what's the use in bein' right...
when I'm the lonely one tonight?

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now
yeah so do you believe me now yeah

Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhWQLrFeKX8

No one ever has clean hands. There were plenty of times when TyRoy admitted to me that he was hoping to not give advice that was purely self-serving. There were many times that he gave advice that worked against his own interests, that was purely to help BT and I, though of course BT saw/sees this as just more of the larger plot. But, with the TyRoy situation, the proof is in the pudding and he and I are not "together" as a couple, nor do we have plans to be. Neither of us will say never but this is how things are right now.

But the proof is in the pudding with BT as well. He can make excuses and he can say that he did things out of anger or retaliation or whatever he wants. But he still did enough on his own to end the relationship, without anyone else's help. So while he and Jimmy Wayne throw their own pity party, the only song I could think of was this.....

Alibis- Tracy Lawrence
she knows every move that a man could make
she knows every trick in the book
she knows how to give
she knows how to take
cuz so many times shes been taken a fool
by those

Chorus:
alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines
lord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make one on you

she once thought that love wasnt just a game
her feelings once came from the heart
one day i gave her a wedding ring
in one night i tore all those feelings apart
with my

Chorus:
alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines l
ord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make
her own

alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines
lord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make one on you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrO1up8IBNc

Also see the song There is No Arizona http://whatsbehindtheeyes.blogspot.com/2007/12/there-is-no-arizona.html, in reference to promises made that never came true, though I am happy to report that, for various reasons, MP has made a reappearance in my life.

Sorry for all the sad country songs.

And, yes, someday I'll take the time to learn how to do the linking correctly, but right now I'm lazy. Deal.

Done With His Move

Today I moved BT's stuff out of my folks' house. While I did have quite a bit of help, I still feel like I did a great deal of it myself. While the money was his, and rightly so as it is his stuff, I made the reservations and rented the truck in my name and on my debit card. I do have to give major props to TyRoy for getting up hella early on a Saturday, skipping his pancakes, and helping me pack up the truck. Also, big props go to BT's friends and landladies who practically unloaded the truck themselves while also being very very nice to me, despite all that is going on.

BUT I'm super proud of myself for all the driving and parking of the big scary truck. While I know that I probably scared some fellow drivers out there today, I did park the truck myself, including backing it up to my house completely unassisted.

I even took pics from either side so show that I was "in the lines" of our driveway. (Only half of the full concrete drive you see is "ours" while the other half belongs to the other side of the duplex.)

Of course, the day was not without its problems. I did alot of crying. I also fell off the back of the truck and did a face plant in front of BT's friends. Now my right shoulder and ass cheek are pretty sore. But, for the most part, I did this myself, or at least with my own inititive and planning. I think I deserve a big hug and lots of kisses and, if I could give them to myself, I would. When we have to be strong, we can be.

Horrible Chat with the World's Worst Army Wife

Yes, I'm airing my dirty laundry. Yes, I am 14. I don't care. I needed to get out the conversation but I didn't want it biased by me saying "he said this", when I said just as bad of shit.

[Chat started on the instant messenger of my cell phone. Because of the lag, the answers don't always go with the questions]

BT: hey, sorry I have not contacted you for awhile. everytime I have gotten online, the connections has sucked, and i haven't been able to IM you

BT: I am still in Iraq [redacted because you don't need to know anymore]

BT: I plan on contacting mom when I get there

BT: As for the Uhaul and everything, that is fine. and thank you very much for moving all of my stuff for me

Ava: I thought when you said 4 days that meant 4 days until you were back in the States.

BT: It was supposed to be, but our flight kept getting pushed back

Ava: I really don't want to hear your thank you about moving your stuff. I just want it gone.

BT: Well, you sould like your in a great fucking mood

Ava: I'll call your mom and let her know. But she's talking about moving her surgery. Can you call her from where you are?

BT: No, I'm on lock down

Ava: I've spent the last week w/no word from you, and your mom calling me, crying, twice a day

[Switch to computer]

BT (10/3/2008 12:58:59 PM): I'm sorry, she should remember from when I went to Kosovo, how it is with the lack of ability to comunicate, I am sorry that she is being like that, I will call her as soon as I get to the states

Ava (10/3/2008 12:59:49 PM): I don't think you understand how much that whole gallbladder/kidney stone thing hurts and she's going to put off surgery only for you to tell her that you don't want her there.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:00:09 PM): Have you made arrangements with Pam and Angela to pick you up next Friday?

BT (10/3/2008 1:00:48 PM): there is nothing that I can do, I can not make a phone show up out of nowhere

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:02 PM): yes, I have made plans for someone to pick me up

Ava (10/3/2008 1:01:04 PM): Then why didn't you do it before?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:01:17 PM): Someone?

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:42 PM): cuz I didn't have 3 and 1/2 hours to wait on a phone

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:57 PM): yeah, one of my best friends [redacted] is coming and gettting me

BT (10/3/2008 1:02:15 PM): no, nothing is going to happen, she is a lesbian and has a girlfriend

Ava (10/3/2008 1:02:31 PM): None of my business anyway

BT (10/3/2008 1:02:48 PM): just letting you know

Ava (10/3/2008 1:02:55 PM): Will you sign papers if I arrange to come out to the house in Lawrence or to meet you someplace after you get back?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:03:25 PM): Oh, and thanks for the warning that there were going to be 8 footlockers coming.

BT (10/3/2008 1:03:27 PM): as much as I don't want to, yes, I will

BT (10/3/2008 1:03:40 PM): sorry

Ava (10/3/2008 1:03:48 PM): If you didn't want to, you shouldn't have done what you did with the money and with Army Woman and with M

BT (10/3/2008 1:04:25 PM): me and M are just friends now, there has not been any kind of sexual talk between me and her

Ava (10/3/2008 1:05:05 PM): Except that you told me you wouldn't talk to her and you broke her heart to beginw with with the whole engagement thing. But whatever.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:05:17 PM): So, you and Army Woman back together? It sure looks like it from the pics.

BT (10/3/2008 1:05:28 PM): no, we are not

Ava (10/3/2008 1:06:08 PM): You do know that you are going to come back to a negative bank balance, right?

BT (10/3/2008 1:06:33 PM): how negative?

[redacted-no one needs to know those details]

BT (10/3/2008 1:08:01 PM): well, they are calling my flight, I have to get going

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:10 PM): fine.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:22 PM): bye. be safe. you want me to tell your mom for you?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:30 PM): so she doesn't cancel her surgery?

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:02 PM): if you could, just tell her that I will be leaving for class shortly after getting back, and she wont be able to spend much time with me

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:14 PM): i'm not lying

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:20 PM): it won't be a lie, and when I get to a phone, I will call her

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:38 PM): fine.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:48 PM): safe flight

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:50 PM): thank you Adriene

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:56 PM): fuck you

BT (10/3/2008 1:10:21 PM): your really are fucking unbelievable, you know that?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:10:29 PM): I am???

Ava (10/3/2008 1:10:34 PM): After all this bullshit?

BT (10/3/2008 1:10:40 PM): I am trying not to fucking fight and shit, and you are saying fuck you to me?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:01 PM): bc I want you to fucking act like you are thankful instead of shitting on me and us every fucking chance you get.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:08 PM): Words don't mean a goddamn thing

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:25 PM): you pissed away every good thing you had.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:40 PM): now all you have are 8 trunks of shit

BT (10/3/2008 1:11:42 PM): you believe what you wish

BT (10/3/2008 1:12:51 PM): oh, and I want you to listen to a song, called Do You Believe Me Now, I believe it is buy a guy named Jimmy Wayne

[Singer asks ex-gf if she believes that her 'friend' had the hots for her now that she's with the friend and not with the singer- reference to TyRoy]

Ava (10/3/2008 1:12:51 PM): all your stuff will be there when you get back to P&A's.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:13:08 PM): No body wants him. Not even him.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:13:18 PM): Nobody wants me, not even him.

BT (10/3/2008 1:13:52 PM): funny, that you say that, cuz I do want you, but whatever, I have to go, I love and miss you bye

Ava (10/3/2008 1:14:09 PM): love you too bye

One Week

One week from today, my husband of a little less than a year come back from Iraq.

And I won't be there to greet him.

It's a decision that I've thought long and hard about, that I've agonized over. But I can't do it. The contract has been broken. Probably irrevocably.

I do not want to mislead anyone into thinking that I am without blame. If anyone threw down the first glove, it was me. I fully accept the consequesnces of those actions and was sure within myself that they would lead to the end of the relationship. While what I did could be considered "the one thing he told me not to do, above all other things", his reaction was the same. However he continued to act like it was nothing that should effect the relationship, that we could still go on with our plans when all the money that we'd been trying to save was gone.

For the last few weeks, footlockers have been arriving with the mail, though some I had to go get myself from the post office. Here is what he has to show for his time gone:

Eight Large Black Footlockers

And that's why I won't be there to pick him up in a week. We both knew what we had to do to make this work, or to even attempt to make this work. While I followed the agreement we made for all except this last little bit, tried to be the best wife I could be according to the rules we set out, he chose not to for almost all his time away. I hope that whatever is in those footlockers are worth it.

Drama Night in Hoosierville

-Argue with your husband
-Your ex calls to see how you are doing and apologize for acting like an ass the last time you saw him. He also tells you about how he got arrested on charges of driving a stolen vehicle and then assaulting an officer. But at least he got rid of the gun before they pulled him over. Allegedly. Oh, and he loves you.
-Your husband's ex's submissive, who tried to get you to kill yourself a few months ago while hiding who he (the sub) was, attempts to apologize. Sub hits on you as well.

I'm hoping to never have a night like this anytime soon.

Almost Honest- Josh Kelly

This afternoon, I caught this song on a live show on cable. I'd heard this song in the background of some TV show and I thought it was beautiful, though I didn't think too much about it.

But I guess it fits nicely with things now. I've been thinking a great deal about honesty this weekend. Some of it has had to do wih Mon Parrain. Most of it has had to do with the future of my marriage and how to translate what I feel like is my non-monogamous nature (or just my penchance for using sex to fill the void, even when that sex isn't advisable) into the safe, stable home that I want to create for my husband, who deserves a safe stable home after all he's been through. Of course, it also reminds me of not only how and why I've not always been honest with my loves, but why those around me might not have always been honest either.

Mostly, tonight, I've listened to this on an almost constant loop through youtube, singing and crying. Wow, when put that way, it seems kinda pathetic..... oh well. Enjoy.

Almost Honest- Josh Kelly
So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I've laid with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give up nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

Yeah, Oh oh oh Hmmmmm

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried

Take a picture
Write a letter to my love
I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest

Youtube
Live-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fUkeALT3Uc
Video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPjp6Kv4W7Y

Misstatements....

In the beginning
BT (8/27/2008 4:30:06 AM): no, I have already admited that I had not been truthful to you in the past, but I have been since then

Later
BT (8/27/2008 5:34:27 AM): like last night when you accused me of talking to [name redacted, we'll call her Ex-Fiancee], then flat out saying you don't believe me?
Me (8/27/2008 5:34:52 AM): That was because there were parts of convo's that didn't belong to our conversation
BT (8/27/2008 5:34:57 AM): I swear to you that I have not been talking to her
Me (8/27/2008 5:35:02 AM): Which had happened before when you were talking to her.
BT (8/27/2008 5:36:56 AM): yes, some conversations I have had have been about sex, but it has been about sex in the past, with a couple of my ex's or are still friends of mine, and who have moved on as I have, and are now either married, or engaged, or have boyfriends, but that is how we have always talked with each other, we know that we did not work out, but we still give each other shit, and play around talking about shit like that

Later still
BT (8/27/2008 5:41:52 AM): and in that new honesty, have to be honest that the other day, yes, I did lie to you, it was one of them that had the cam on, but she was letting me see her kids, and one of them was the boy that I had to be tested before, that wasn't mine
[During a previous conversation he'd typed "hmmmm, your cam went off", or something to that effect, and I knew it wasn't a part of our conversation. He said that it was the cam his Grandma and his neice were using to talk to him on, but I didn't really believe that. Turns out I was right.]

Am I going crazy? Does any of that actually add up? I know BT will be mad as hell that I"m airing our dirty laundry but.... when you put those parts of the conversation together, it just doesn't add up to me. (And just so he doesn't think that I'm being entirely unfair, there are other bits of the conversation that don't make either of us look good and that point to various other bad things that both of us have done lately. I'm not trying to avoid those things and if BT wants to post those on his blog, he can. I'm just focusing on the part of the conversation that blows my mind and confuses the fuck out of me.)

And, I'm sorry, I just couldn't find a good song about lying to go with it.