Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Casual Sex

Merriam Webster Online
1: subject to, resulting from, or occurring by chance (a casual meeting) 2 a : occurring without regularity : OCCASIONAL (casual employment) b: employed for irregular periods (a casual worker) c: met with on occasion and known only superficially (a casual friend) 3 a (1) : feeling or showing little concern: NONCHALANT (a casual approach to cooking) (2) : lacking a high degree of interest or devotion (casual shorts fans) (casual readers) (3) : done without serious intent or commitment (casual sex) b (1) : INFORMAL, NATURAL (a casual conversation) (2) : designed for informal use (casual clothing)

Urban Dictionary
Casual Sex
1. Having sexual contact with another person with no plans on furthering a long term/committed relationship with that person.

4. Sex that involves two people who have no desire or intention of ever commiting to any type of exclusive relationship with each other eliminates many stressful factors that may accompany a commited relationship such as: jealousy, mind games, verbal and/or physical abuse, marriage, accountability of daily actions/wherabouts, lack of quailty and/or frequency in sexual activity, boredom, and many more I'm sure.*****THE BEST KIND OF SEX*****He and I have casual sex. It is by-far the best sex I've ever had and can hardly wait for the next time we meet! ***Additional note: casual sex is not the same as promiscuous sex in that casual sex can be had with one person time after time while to fit the definition of promiscuous multiple partners are required

Sir told me a little over a week ago that I was having casual sex. He wasn't trying to be insulting or defamatory. I had just revealed that I had had very unexpected, unplanned sex with a huge crush of mine, but, because I'd also been dating and having sex with Mon Parrain, I was wondering if he thought I was being...wrong, immoral. As Sir has the highest moral code of any non-bible thumper I know, I thought he might be a good judge. His answer was that, as casual sex was all I was looking for, as long as I was honest with my partners and safe, he didn't see anything wrong with it.

But I was really taken aback by the term "casual sex". It wasn't really casual to me. I took it very seriously. When looking at the Merriam Webster definition of casual, I hardly think that the sex I was having was any of those things. It wasn't by chance. I hope it continues to occur with some regularity. It wasn't superficial in my opinion. And I have a great deal of concern, interest, and devotion for the sex I had and the people that I had the sex with. Calling what I did "casual sex" seemed to really disrespect the sex, myself, and the people I was had the sex with, none of which I think is necessary.

Obviously, our society gives greater support and respect to sex had within relationships and, the more long-term and committed the relationship is, the more support and respect our society gives to it. Lately, I've found myself trying to describe to people why I do not want a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or husband or wife (heretofore refered to as SO, for significant other), even with these great people who I have had sex with and hope to have more sex with. Honestly, most people don't get it, especially my grandmother, but I just chalk that up to generational differences. On the other hand, she goes into lengthy diatribes about how stupid this particular female relative of ours (my grandmother's aunt's granddaughter) who is only a year older than me. At the time of this particular conversation, this woman was married to a guy who she claimed beat her (though my grandmother said she'd never seen any bruises, so that must not be true) and who had been picked up for two DUIs in the same month. They have a two year old daughter, but they are always fighting and they both drink like fish. The woman cleans houses and works as a bartender at a golf club and is always talking about how this guy or that guy wants to sweep her off her feet, which she'll one day let them do when she finally leaves her husband. My grandmother tsk-tsk'd this the whole time and acted like this woman was an isolated situation. But, from what I know from ex-T who still lives here in this suburb, this is pretty typical of most of the women of my age who still live here, especially the ones of our socio-economic-racial backgrounds who didn't go to college. ex-T, poor bastard that he is, can't stand to be alone. He goes from girlfriend to girlfriend, never really leaving one behind until another one is lined up. Is the sex he has with a brand-new girlfriend, who he might soon find he can't stand and break-up with within the month, any more casual than the sex I have been having? Many women here, fuck, many women everywhere, do the same thing, feel the same way. They don't want to just have "casual sex" because then they'd be sluts, but, if they are "dating" a guy or "going out with a guy" or he's their "boyfriend", however little commitment that actually entails and however little time they've actually spent together and however little they know each other, the sex is no longer "casual" so they aren't sluts. I reject that.

When I have a SO, I expect certain things of them and of myself, a certain (rather high) level of commitment and involvement. I know that I cannot give that for the forseeable future. Once I get back home after this crazy summer, I'll have classes, my new job, (hopefully) hanging out with friends, and members of my family will still be ill. Oh, and have a semi-regular spiritual practice, exercise routine, and creative writing schedule. If I have a SO, I will devote as much time and energy to my love for them and my relationship with them that everything except my classes and my job will go out the window. After I obtain a degree, I'd like to spend a year working my ass off to pay down my student loans, while still keeping up my spiritual practice, exercise routine, and creative writing. I want to put as much of the money I make into getting out from under my college debt and starting to build myself a solid savings, a nest egg, so that I can start a life. My life. The life I always dreamed of where I could move anywhere, do anything, not feel trapped by not having enough money. It's not that I even want to be able to live a middle-class lifestyle. I just want to be able to pick up and move if I get a job offer or just if I want to. But if I have a SO, I'll spend every free bit of time and money and mindpower on them. I'll live where they want to live. Simply, I'll never live my dreams.

I just want more than one membership to more than one club because I owe my life to the people that I love- Ani DiFranco. But does all I've written in the above paragraph mean that I should not get to have caring, honest, mutual, sexual relationships until I achieve my dreams? Does it mean that I can't learn important things from these people that I choose to have these relationships with? Things just as important as the things I could learn from significant long-term relationships? Does it mean that I care less about the people I choose to have these relationships with than I did those people I had SLTRs with? I don't think so. And I refuse to feel bad for attempting to honestly, intelligently, and positively forging sexual relationships that are outside the norm.

I don't think this is how I will always feel, but I am trying to go into this and stay in this for now with my eyes as wide open as I can. Because this isn't just casual sex to me, because these people and the experiences that we share are very far from casual.

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