you'd think you'd remember the exact time, remember what you were wearing, remember how things smelled
but you don't
or at least i don't
i know that two years ago today he started having trouble breathing and everyone came to his bedside at the hospice
i know that he couldn't really see very clearly and he said that someone must have on perfume, they smelled too strongly. he said it was me and told me to go back to the shower to wash it off.
i know that someone, don't remember who, came to the large bathroom with the shower that was for family members and told me to come back quick.
i know i don't feel like i got to say good-bye, though i was there all the time those last months
i know that how he died sounded just like how my grandfather, his father, died. i know that his death didn't take as long as my grandfather's, though it some ways i guess it took almost four years
i don't know what time it was but i know it was over before this time two years ago
i know at the time it felt like it took forever but looking back it feels like it took no time at all
it's two years on and sometimes i don't know how we're all still standing. at first i thought i'd never stop crying then i thought i'd never be able to talk about him without crying now sometimes i don't even cry when i feel like i should. i'm sure there will be a time when i don't remember this anniversary and i'm sure that he'll be just fine with that, even if i'm not.
i feel like i've changed so much in the time since then, though it might not be easy to tell from the outside. i wish i could tell him how much this has changed me, i think for the better, given me the job i do now, pushed me to really work on myself and stick with the dbt, though if there's something after this, i'm sure he already knows. i with i could tell him that i'd give it all back to have him back, not that it's a choice we get to make though.
i wish i wish i wish i wish so many things
but what i know right now is that i have to wrap this up and stop crying so i can go to work and that after work i'm going to break into that 6 pack i bought and drink to him
Showing posts with label events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label events. Show all posts
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Friday, October 30, 2009
Differential Diagnosis II : Lungs of a 90 Year Old
Apparently what I'm going through is all the pre-House-episode stuff that the patient goes through before they get to be treated by House's illustrious team.
The steriods worked great, when I was taking them three and four times a day. See, you get a blister-pack, with how many pills you are supposed to take and when. You start out with about 8 pills a day and gradually back off, taking one pill the last day. Of course, the steriods also caused me to feel alittle manic, with bouncing off the walls energy, but I kept reminding myself of how I got the energy and that I'd pay later, in sleep and perhaps depression, which helped. But on the night before the last day, I started coughing again. And despite supposably being better than Prilosec, the Nexium wasn't making a noticable difference. I was back to where I'd been before. My biggest comfort was that at least I knew I wasn't contagious and my coughing couldn't make my uncle, or any other member of my family, sick. I was resigned to the fact that the cough was here to stay.
I did, however, have a slight shift in thinking, if not a full blown change of heart. A friend of mine, who I know is very aware of how his own body looks, but doesn't limit the kinds of food he eats, brought up that he just cut back his portion sizes when he started to feel like he was putting on a few pounds. It meant that he could still enjoy any kind of food he wanted to, just not as much, though he'd always save the rest for a later meal or share it with someone else. This would also be very helpful for me, since I've overeaten to the point of being ill several times over this past summer and fall. So I decided then that I'd really try to eat less, control my portions, and not drink so much soda, which is really just empty calories, no matter how much I love it.
I expected a disheartening but uneventful follow-up appointment. But the Physicians Assistant brought up the chest x-ray and a breathing test, just to be sure. I agreed, though I was pretty sure that it was going to come back all clean and she'd tell me to lose weight and change my diet. But that was not the case. The chest x-ray was fine, unless the doctor finds something that was hiding under my nipple piercings. It was the breathing test that came back with more troubling results. The PA told me that I had the lungs of a 90 year old. Now, I've done a bit of internet research and "lung age" seems to be less a diagnostic explanation and more something that sounds scary and is used to scary smokers into quitting smoking, because you put it in terms someone can understand. Now, that doesn't mean that it's wrong or untrue. I think she wanted to convey in real-world terms how bad my breathing and lungs seem from their tests, so that I'll be more likely to go the distance in going to see a pulmonologist, who she is hoping will be able to tell me what is wrong with me, despite the fact that I don't have insurance and would have to come up with the money on my own. I think if I wasn't on the lithium, I would have cried right there in the exam room.
I am already in the process of setting up an appointment with a pulmonologist at a local university hospital that my uncle's boyfriend has been able to set up payment plans with, in the hopes that it will be easy for me to do the same thing. The hospital's pulmonology division is currently waiting to get my records from the primary care doctor, then they'll call me to make an appointment time. That was the PA's main treatment plan, though she also gave me a sample of Symbicort, which is for COPD and asthma, and she says should help. She promises to try to get more samples for me. As for the previous push to lose weight, etc, that seems to not be as important now, at least until I get a more firm diagnosis. She must have overlooked that I'm on lithium when I was there for my first appointment, because, when she did mention weight loss this time, she told me that, because I was on lithium, it would be more difficult that usual, so I shouldn't feel too bad if I can't really lose weight, though losing weight and being more active will always help and I should still change what I eat, at least to help manage the acid reflux.
The hardest part right now is the waiting and not knowing. I don't know what is wrong or why or what caused it or what to do about it. I don't know what it will cost to treat it. One thing that is kinda driving me crazy right now is that everything I see online attributes almost all of these things to smoking, but I just can't imagine that the small amount of smoking I've done in my life has done this much damage, especially when compared to regular smokers my age and older, who don't have similar problems yet. Yes, I'm aware that ANY amount of smoking will do some damage to your lungs. But not this much from that little. Then again, Christopher Reeves' wife died from lung cancer and she never smoked a day in her life. (Not to say that I think I have cancer. I absolutely do not think I have cancer.) But this is where your mind goes while you are waiting for an answer. Especially when you know that few doctors are as brilliant as House, not that you have the money to pay him.
The steriods worked great, when I was taking them three and four times a day. See, you get a blister-pack, with how many pills you are supposed to take and when. You start out with about 8 pills a day and gradually back off, taking one pill the last day. Of course, the steriods also caused me to feel alittle manic, with bouncing off the walls energy, but I kept reminding myself of how I got the energy and that I'd pay later, in sleep and perhaps depression, which helped. But on the night before the last day, I started coughing again. And despite supposably being better than Prilosec, the Nexium wasn't making a noticable difference. I was back to where I'd been before. My biggest comfort was that at least I knew I wasn't contagious and my coughing couldn't make my uncle, or any other member of my family, sick. I was resigned to the fact that the cough was here to stay.
I did, however, have a slight shift in thinking, if not a full blown change of heart. A friend of mine, who I know is very aware of how his own body looks, but doesn't limit the kinds of food he eats, brought up that he just cut back his portion sizes when he started to feel like he was putting on a few pounds. It meant that he could still enjoy any kind of food he wanted to, just not as much, though he'd always save the rest for a later meal or share it with someone else. This would also be very helpful for me, since I've overeaten to the point of being ill several times over this past summer and fall. So I decided then that I'd really try to eat less, control my portions, and not drink so much soda, which is really just empty calories, no matter how much I love it.
I expected a disheartening but uneventful follow-up appointment. But the Physicians Assistant brought up the chest x-ray and a breathing test, just to be sure. I agreed, though I was pretty sure that it was going to come back all clean and she'd tell me to lose weight and change my diet. But that was not the case. The chest x-ray was fine, unless the doctor finds something that was hiding under my nipple piercings. It was the breathing test that came back with more troubling results. The PA told me that I had the lungs of a 90 year old. Now, I've done a bit of internet research and "lung age" seems to be less a diagnostic explanation and more something that sounds scary and is used to scary smokers into quitting smoking, because you put it in terms someone can understand. Now, that doesn't mean that it's wrong or untrue. I think she wanted to convey in real-world terms how bad my breathing and lungs seem from their tests, so that I'll be more likely to go the distance in going to see a pulmonologist, who she is hoping will be able to tell me what is wrong with me, despite the fact that I don't have insurance and would have to come up with the money on my own. I think if I wasn't on the lithium, I would have cried right there in the exam room.
I am already in the process of setting up an appointment with a pulmonologist at a local university hospital that my uncle's boyfriend has been able to set up payment plans with, in the hopes that it will be easy for me to do the same thing. The hospital's pulmonology division is currently waiting to get my records from the primary care doctor, then they'll call me to make an appointment time. That was the PA's main treatment plan, though she also gave me a sample of Symbicort, which is for COPD and asthma, and she says should help. She promises to try to get more samples for me. As for the previous push to lose weight, etc, that seems to not be as important now, at least until I get a more firm diagnosis. She must have overlooked that I'm on lithium when I was there for my first appointment, because, when she did mention weight loss this time, she told me that, because I was on lithium, it would be more difficult that usual, so I shouldn't feel too bad if I can't really lose weight, though losing weight and being more active will always help and I should still change what I eat, at least to help manage the acid reflux.
The hardest part right now is the waiting and not knowing. I don't know what is wrong or why or what caused it or what to do about it. I don't know what it will cost to treat it. One thing that is kinda driving me crazy right now is that everything I see online attributes almost all of these things to smoking, but I just can't imagine that the small amount of smoking I've done in my life has done this much damage, especially when compared to regular smokers my age and older, who don't have similar problems yet. Yes, I'm aware that ANY amount of smoking will do some damage to your lungs. But not this much from that little. Then again, Christopher Reeves' wife died from lung cancer and she never smoked a day in her life. (Not to say that I think I have cancer. I absolutely do not think I have cancer.) But this is where your mind goes while you are waiting for an answer. Especially when you know that few doctors are as brilliant as House, not that you have the money to pay him.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
From June 11 To July 6
I guess I don't even know where to start right now. It's been quite a while since I've blogged and my life has been a weird series of ups and downs, some that I expected and many that I didn't.
One of the hardest things but also the thing that I'm most ambivalent about is the reoccurance of my uncle's cancer. He was diagnosed with a rare type of sarcoma (tumor) May 2007 and had radical surgery June 2007. My mom and my uncle's boyfriend went with him while he got his surgery and recovered. (He went up to the Mayo Clinic in MN, which is about 10 hours away from where we live because they have the best program for that type of cancer.) At the time, I stayed with my grandparents because my grandfather had just had a stroke and I was the only one able to really stay with them, so I was useless to my uncle but I was useful to my grandparents. They thought they got all the tumor but apparently not because he had to get another surgery THIS June and then radiation (which is tiring but not too bad). But he was having a great deal of pain in his back. (The original sarcoma was in his chest so they expected it to say in that area. Apparently they were wrong.) The pain in his chest was from another sarcoma. Now they want to do chemo. Nothing has been decided yet but....I just feel useless. All I want to do when I think about it is cry, so I'm probably not much use in talking to him. Everyone in my family went to see him last weekend but I couldn't go because I had bronchitis and I didn't want to spread it to all the other cancer patients there. I'm hoping to get to visit him sometime this week when I'm not working but.... He's so young!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can he be so sick!
My health isn't going so great either. Just after my birthday, I got a really REALLY bad stomach bug. I had to go to the ER because I couldn't stop puking and everytime I puked, I shit too, so I was pretty sure I was getting dehydrated. After the stomach flu stopped, I got the head cold that TyRoy and my mom both had because my immune system was weak. That turned into bronchitis. Which was a lot of fun. At least I have to give props to TyRoy because he didn't turn away from he gross stuff and he took care of me as best as he could. While I know that BT doesn't like him (and BT would have done an even more subservient job), TyRoy really did take care of me.
The other health problem is even more gross and I'm not even sure I want to talk about it here, but maybe it will help others feel not so bad about it when it happens to them. Well, as most of you know, I got my gallbladder taken out in September 2007. I was really happy with that for a while. I didn't have the pain or the thowing up or the diarehea. But what your gallbladder does is store extra bile, which helps to break down extra fat that your liver can't handle all by itself. I was warned by the doctors and by other people that had their gallbladders taken out that for 3-6 months I would experience pretty quick diarehea when I ate really greasy or really really rich food. Well, I didn't have too much trouble those first 6 months. But in the last 3 months, well, I can't eat anything without getting rid off it right away. Even when I don't eat ANYTHING, I sometimes get rid of something. Last Tuesday was the final straw. I was running errands and I almost didn't make it to the bathroom at my first stop (a bookstore). But I did make it and I thought it was over. All done. NOPE!!!!!!!!!!! Twenty minutes later, I'm in the middle of the local Walmart and it hits me that I realize I have to go to the bathroom. RIGHT NOW. Needless to say, I didn't make it and I shit myself in the middle of the Walmart store. I went to the bathroom and cleaned up as best as I could before I left the store. It was the most embarrassing moment I can remember ever. Luckily, I had my yearly physical Thursday and my doctor said that it was a lack of fiber and that I'm going to have to take fiber supplements for the rest of my life and eat lots of fruits and veggies for the rest of my life. Now, I don't know about you but I always thought that fiber supplements were for people who were constipated and that too many fruits and veggies would lead to diarrehea. But I guess not. I guess I'll just listen to my doctor for now. If it doesn't work, I'll go back to their morning walk-in clinic and crap myself there.
Then, there is the divorce. I filed the papers the day before my birthday and mailed them ON my birthday. Yes, another lovely birthday for Ava. I got the papers in the mail earlier this month saying that our court date is set for August 20th. It's pretty amicable and everything was agreed on before I filled out the papers so it should be pretty easy. The saddest part of it all is that I still love him very much and I know that he still loves me very much, even though we are trying to move on with our lives. I'm living with TyRoy and he's seriously talking to a woman he met on the internet. They are even talking about getting married when he gets back. I hope that everything works out well for them and that they don't have the same money problems that we did. Actually, in a weird bit of irony, the first paycheck he DIDN'T overdraw since we've been together was the first one AFTER I filed for divorce. Oh well.
Things with TyRoy are going pretty well. Most of the time, we are just kinda an old married couple. Especially since my latest birth control has robbed me of my sex drive and my wetness. (I just got a new one. I hope it works better.) The biggest thing about me living here was that I had to have a job or be working on finding a job. I have done that. I worked a temp job for a couple weeks. After that, I was sick but I got a job RIGHT after I got better. It will even work with school, which I have signed up for. I haven't asked him for any money, even though he pays the bills at the house. (Bills that he would pay whether I was here or not. I try to pitch in on the groceries but he doesn't really accept it. But at least I try.) BUT I still haven't figured out how to fight with him though. He didn't just shuts down and I can't get anything out of him and he says that nothing is wrong, though there obviously is, at least in my opinion. I felt so useless between the job (managers suck and make you feel bad) and not being able to help with the family and not being able to do anything with TyRoy that I just gave up. I called in with a family emergency (everyone knows that my uncle is sick) and I took a bunch of pills. Let me tell you though--- 120 .5 Clonazepam doesn't do anything! I could still fucking drive!. Next time I'm jumping off an overpass!
Well, I guess I'll end on a happy note. My job right now is as the cashier for the valet parking. I work Wednesday through Saturday nights. Today, I got up early, dressed, ran errands so that I would have a cooler, cold drinks, some protein, a personal cash tray, etc, etc, and get to work early so that I could park where they wanted me to (they keep changing where I"m supposed to park-assholes). I got there 30 minutes early. None of my valets were there or my managers. Finally I called my boss. Me: "Hey, where is everyone?" Boss:"We don't work on Sundays." Me: "Yeah, but it's Saturday." Boss: "No, it's Sunday." Only Valet there: "No, it's Sunday." Me: "Fuck. Sorry." Working these crazy hours has me all fucked up. BUT at least I have a job.
Thanks for listening. Comment if you want.
One of the hardest things but also the thing that I'm most ambivalent about is the reoccurance of my uncle's cancer. He was diagnosed with a rare type of sarcoma (tumor) May 2007 and had radical surgery June 2007. My mom and my uncle's boyfriend went with him while he got his surgery and recovered. (He went up to the Mayo Clinic in MN, which is about 10 hours away from where we live because they have the best program for that type of cancer.) At the time, I stayed with my grandparents because my grandfather had just had a stroke and I was the only one able to really stay with them, so I was useless to my uncle but I was useful to my grandparents. They thought they got all the tumor but apparently not because he had to get another surgery THIS June and then radiation (which is tiring but not too bad). But he was having a great deal of pain in his back. (The original sarcoma was in his chest so they expected it to say in that area. Apparently they were wrong.) The pain in his chest was from another sarcoma. Now they want to do chemo. Nothing has been decided yet but....I just feel useless. All I want to do when I think about it is cry, so I'm probably not much use in talking to him. Everyone in my family went to see him last weekend but I couldn't go because I had bronchitis and I didn't want to spread it to all the other cancer patients there. I'm hoping to get to visit him sometime this week when I'm not working but.... He's so young!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can he be so sick!
My health isn't going so great either. Just after my birthday, I got a really REALLY bad stomach bug. I had to go to the ER because I couldn't stop puking and everytime I puked, I shit too, so I was pretty sure I was getting dehydrated. After the stomach flu stopped, I got the head cold that TyRoy and my mom both had because my immune system was weak. That turned into bronchitis. Which was a lot of fun. At least I have to give props to TyRoy because he didn't turn away from he gross stuff and he took care of me as best as he could. While I know that BT doesn't like him (and BT would have done an even more subservient job), TyRoy really did take care of me.
The other health problem is even more gross and I'm not even sure I want to talk about it here, but maybe it will help others feel not so bad about it when it happens to them. Well, as most of you know, I got my gallbladder taken out in September 2007. I was really happy with that for a while. I didn't have the pain or the thowing up or the diarehea. But what your gallbladder does is store extra bile, which helps to break down extra fat that your liver can't handle all by itself. I was warned by the doctors and by other people that had their gallbladders taken out that for 3-6 months I would experience pretty quick diarehea when I ate really greasy or really really rich food. Well, I didn't have too much trouble those first 6 months. But in the last 3 months, well, I can't eat anything without getting rid off it right away. Even when I don't eat ANYTHING, I sometimes get rid of something. Last Tuesday was the final straw. I was running errands and I almost didn't make it to the bathroom at my first stop (a bookstore). But I did make it and I thought it was over. All done. NOPE!!!!!!!!!!! Twenty minutes later, I'm in the middle of the local Walmart and it hits me that I realize I have to go to the bathroom. RIGHT NOW. Needless to say, I didn't make it and I shit myself in the middle of the Walmart store. I went to the bathroom and cleaned up as best as I could before I left the store. It was the most embarrassing moment I can remember ever. Luckily, I had my yearly physical Thursday and my doctor said that it was a lack of fiber and that I'm going to have to take fiber supplements for the rest of my life and eat lots of fruits and veggies for the rest of my life. Now, I don't know about you but I always thought that fiber supplements were for people who were constipated and that too many fruits and veggies would lead to diarrehea. But I guess not. I guess I'll just listen to my doctor for now. If it doesn't work, I'll go back to their morning walk-in clinic and crap myself there.
Then, there is the divorce. I filed the papers the day before my birthday and mailed them ON my birthday. Yes, another lovely birthday for Ava. I got the papers in the mail earlier this month saying that our court date is set for August 20th. It's pretty amicable and everything was agreed on before I filled out the papers so it should be pretty easy. The saddest part of it all is that I still love him very much and I know that he still loves me very much, even though we are trying to move on with our lives. I'm living with TyRoy and he's seriously talking to a woman he met on the internet. They are even talking about getting married when he gets back. I hope that everything works out well for them and that they don't have the same money problems that we did. Actually, in a weird bit of irony, the first paycheck he DIDN'T overdraw since we've been together was the first one AFTER I filed for divorce. Oh well.
Things with TyRoy are going pretty well. Most of the time, we are just kinda an old married couple. Especially since my latest birth control has robbed me of my sex drive and my wetness. (I just got a new one. I hope it works better.) The biggest thing about me living here was that I had to have a job or be working on finding a job. I have done that. I worked a temp job for a couple weeks. After that, I was sick but I got a job RIGHT after I got better. It will even work with school, which I have signed up for. I haven't asked him for any money, even though he pays the bills at the house. (Bills that he would pay whether I was here or not. I try to pitch in on the groceries but he doesn't really accept it. But at least I try.) BUT I still haven't figured out how to fight with him though. He didn't just shuts down and I can't get anything out of him and he says that nothing is wrong, though there obviously is, at least in my opinion. I felt so useless between the job (managers suck and make you feel bad) and not being able to help with the family and not being able to do anything with TyRoy that I just gave up. I called in with a family emergency (everyone knows that my uncle is sick) and I took a bunch of pills. Let me tell you though--- 120 .5 Clonazepam doesn't do anything! I could still fucking drive!. Next time I'm jumping off an overpass!
Well, I guess I'll end on a happy note. My job right now is as the cashier for the valet parking. I work Wednesday through Saturday nights. Today, I got up early, dressed, ran errands so that I would have a cooler, cold drinks, some protein, a personal cash tray, etc, etc, and get to work early so that I could park where they wanted me to (they keep changing where I"m supposed to park-assholes). I got there 30 minutes early. None of my valets were there or my managers. Finally I called my boss. Me: "Hey, where is everyone?" Boss:"We don't work on Sundays." Me: "Yeah, but it's Saturday." Boss: "No, it's Sunday." Only Valet there: "No, it's Sunday." Me: "Fuck. Sorry." Working these crazy hours has me all fucked up. BUT at least I have a job.
Thanks for listening. Comment if you want.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Birthday Celebrations
How I've Celebrated So Far:
Last Saturday-
*Went shopping with my Mom for clothes. (Alot of the Tshirts I've been wearing are BT's and I'm giving them back as part of the divorce so I thought I could use a couple more. And I bought my shorts last summer when I was 30-40 lbs lighter than I am right now so I needed some shorts that didn't cut off my circulation)
*Went out to Joe's Crab Shack for late lunch with Mom. (She thought I might like to go out to a fancier place but I'm pretty happy with any place that isn't fast food or Applebee's, as that's all that is in the smaller military town TyRoy lives in, where I've been staying with him.)
*Watched "Mr. Brooks" at my folks' house while I did laundry (I really can't wait to get a washer and dryer here!)
After midnight- *Sex
So far today-
*Therapy (Really like my therapist)
*Mailed off my divorce papers :(
*Spent time with my folks' dogs (letting the puppy, who just got spayed and was in a cage 24 hours at the vet's, out to play a little)
*Ate lunch with my mom
Currently- *Watching "Firefly" on DVD, copying DVDs for myself, BT, & TyRoy, playing around on the internets
Planned for later today-
*Drinking
*TyRoy is taking me to Dave & Buster's for food, video games, and more drinking
*TyRoy is taking me to see "The Strangers"
Planned for much later-
*Tim McGraw concert with Mom, my uncle's boyfriend, and Cassie
*Traveling to where my uncle is staying for his radiation treatment to celebrate my birthday and my uncle's boyfriend's birthday (which is later this month)
I'm celebrating all month long!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Long Time, No Post
Hello loyal readers. Well, you'll notice that there are several new posts that are back dated to when they happened in my head, but that I didn't post at the time for several reasons, the biggest one being that I have just been to fucking depressed to do much of anything and have been spending most of my time dealing with stuff with BT. Whatever isn't me directly dealing with stuff with my husband is basically me running away from dealing with stuff with my husband, or at least finding something to distract me from it.
The short of it is....my marriage is falling apart, will probably be ending soon. Depending on who you talk to and what their opinion is and which of us they are friends with more, it could be either of our faults or both of our faults. And, in all reality, I will gladly accept all the blame. There is a big part of me that feels like I should just be able to deal with this stuff, work around all of it, be a good wife to my deployed soldier. And I have tried. I really have. And, until I finally said that I was leaving, I went by the vows that BT and I made, which aren't the marriage vows that everyone makes, as we started with a (negotiated) open and honest relationship. While I don't want to get into too much detail, the problems that I felt I could no longer deal with had to do with money mismanagement and all the lying and hiding that I felt was going on with BT. Maybe I should have given it more time. He kept asking for more time. He also said that all of it would change when he got back, because I would be there to make sure it didn't happen. But I didn't want to be the one to do the changing for him. I don't want to be his mother or his babysitter. Doesn't mean I don't love him though. But I couldn't take the heartbreak that I felt everytime something new would be revealed, everytime I really believed that the last time was the last time only to find out that it wasn't. Mom always says that you know when it's time to go. And it is.
But I also think if you were to ask BT, he would say that our marriage is ending because of new "sex in a box" that I have. For the sake of the blog, we'll call him TyRoy. (I'll post an explanation later. It was his choice of psuedonym.) The short of that story is that I answered a Craigslist post from a man who wanted someone to talk to because he was having a hard time. I was too. It was early January. My grandpa had just died. My husband had just left for his mobilization site and I wasn't supposed to see him again until he got back from deployment. The guy was really nice. He was going through a bitter divorce from his wife, who he still felt like was his bestfriend. Because he was in the Army himself and had gotten back the year before from a year-long deployment (his second to Iraq), he knew how hard it could be to be a family going through a deployment. When BT got emergency leave because we were fighting hardcore over money issues (and other issues), TyRoy wrote an email to both of us, about how we could help each other. It was just friendly and we didn't exchange pictures or stats or even talk on the phone for quite a while. Until, that is, I answered another CL ad, a man looking for a woman to do some kink stuff with, attaching my picture, as I usually do. The next day, I found out it was the same guy that I'd been talking as friends with for the past month or so. Eventually, we decided to meet and then hook-up, but just as sex in a box. BT didn't veto me meeting him or having sex with him or staying over at his place, even though BT did/does have a huge problem with the fact that this guy is an officer. (For those fellow civilians unfamiliar with the military world, from all my experience with BT, enlisted men HATE officers and, not only are soldiers not supposed to fuck other soldier's spouses, but officers REALLY aren't supposed to fuck enlisted soldier's spouses.) Besides that, it was a good arrangement and we both supported each other in our other endeavors. I supported him in his search to find others to have sex with. He supported me in the same way and in trying to work on my marriage. In all honesty, even though my husband doesn't believe it, he was the real final holdout, telling me to stick with BT, work through it because he could tell how much I love him. But after I had finally decided to end the marriage, because of several factors, like the fact that I'd be closer to a job that it looked like I was going to take and to make fucking easier, TyRoy and I started talking about/around the subject of living together. And just the other day, he had made mention of marriage.
It's an interesting and difficult situation. Obviously, it doesn't make me look any less the bad guy in the divorce, though I've pretty much accepted that I'm the bad guy and that isn't going to change. I still love my husband very much and would be with him if I could deal with the other things that come along with it. I care very much for TyRoy. (Damn, I kinda hate that psuedonym because it makes it so much harder to talk in a serious way about anything. Oh well.) But I am not in love with him right now. I'm not ruling out that possibility, but it just isn't how it is right now. And I honestly don't think he's in love with me right now. I'm kinda glad about that though. I got swept off my feet once before and I think I probably swept BT off his feet too and look where that got us. I also know that I probably shouldn't be rushing into something serious so soon, or probably at all, but it was kinda serious before I even realized it and I can't just rewind and make it different. I also don't really know if I want to be with a military man again after all this. TyRoy will probably be stationed here for another couple years and then he'll go wherever they tell him to. Depending on the state of the wars America is involved in, he'll probably get deployed again from wherever we are at, which will be a place where I'll have no friends and family. What draws me to this, and I think TyRoy too, is, in large part, the convenience and ways in which we fit what the other is looking for. Neither of us wants to be monogamous. Both of us want fulfilling, supportive relationships (both sexually and otherwise) where we truly be ourselves and pursue those things that we want to. Also, we both do care about each other and want to take care of the other person. And, hell, that might really be what a good relationship/marriage is made of. Not this wonderful, amazing, make everything else disappear kind of love, but just the everyday dealing with things together and taking care of each other and promoting what the other wants to do.
But, for the most part, I'm kinda useless. I can't blame it all on the state of my marriage, though. Maybe I can blame it on the depression, but I'm not sure about that either. Maybe I should just blame it on being a lazy bum who wants to sleep all day. I fucked up the one job that I had lined up, though I probably shouldn't have wanted or taken that job anyway because it was.... complicated. I really need to get on looking for a job so that I can support myself, no matter what happens with BT or TyRoy or anyone. Plus, the health insurance company is finally coming through on paying their part of my hospital bills from my gallbladder surgery so I have to come up with my co-pays. Granted, the co-pays aren't nearly as much as the full surgery but they aren't exactly cheap either. And I really REALLY want to get myself back together enough to go back to school and finish. Well, finish getting a Bachelor's Degree. That degree might not actually get me more money at a job or anywhere at all really, but I have to at least say that I was able to do it. How many completely worthless assholes do I know who've had their BA for years and years now??? I was supposed to be the golden child and I can't manage to get mine in, what, 7+ years??? Come on now. But, that is what is up with me right now. Please feel free to comment, berate, whatever.
The short of it is....my marriage is falling apart, will probably be ending soon. Depending on who you talk to and what their opinion is and which of us they are friends with more, it could be either of our faults or both of our faults. And, in all reality, I will gladly accept all the blame. There is a big part of me that feels like I should just be able to deal with this stuff, work around all of it, be a good wife to my deployed soldier. And I have tried. I really have. And, until I finally said that I was leaving, I went by the vows that BT and I made, which aren't the marriage vows that everyone makes, as we started with a (negotiated) open and honest relationship. While I don't want to get into too much detail, the problems that I felt I could no longer deal with had to do with money mismanagement and all the lying and hiding that I felt was going on with BT. Maybe I should have given it more time. He kept asking for more time. He also said that all of it would change when he got back, because I would be there to make sure it didn't happen. But I didn't want to be the one to do the changing for him. I don't want to be his mother or his babysitter. Doesn't mean I don't love him though. But I couldn't take the heartbreak that I felt everytime something new would be revealed, everytime I really believed that the last time was the last time only to find out that it wasn't. Mom always says that you know when it's time to go. And it is.
But I also think if you were to ask BT, he would say that our marriage is ending because of new "sex in a box" that I have. For the sake of the blog, we'll call him TyRoy. (I'll post an explanation later. It was his choice of psuedonym.) The short of that story is that I answered a Craigslist post from a man who wanted someone to talk to because he was having a hard time. I was too. It was early January. My grandpa had just died. My husband had just left for his mobilization site and I wasn't supposed to see him again until he got back from deployment. The guy was really nice. He was going through a bitter divorce from his wife, who he still felt like was his bestfriend. Because he was in the Army himself and had gotten back the year before from a year-long deployment (his second to Iraq), he knew how hard it could be to be a family going through a deployment. When BT got emergency leave because we were fighting hardcore over money issues (and other issues), TyRoy wrote an email to both of us, about how we could help each other. It was just friendly and we didn't exchange pictures or stats or even talk on the phone for quite a while. Until, that is, I answered another CL ad, a man looking for a woman to do some kink stuff with, attaching my picture, as I usually do. The next day, I found out it was the same guy that I'd been talking as friends with for the past month or so. Eventually, we decided to meet and then hook-up, but just as sex in a box. BT didn't veto me meeting him or having sex with him or staying over at his place, even though BT did/does have a huge problem with the fact that this guy is an officer. (For those fellow civilians unfamiliar with the military world, from all my experience with BT, enlisted men HATE officers and, not only are soldiers not supposed to fuck other soldier's spouses, but officers REALLY aren't supposed to fuck enlisted soldier's spouses.) Besides that, it was a good arrangement and we both supported each other in our other endeavors. I supported him in his search to find others to have sex with. He supported me in the same way and in trying to work on my marriage. In all honesty, even though my husband doesn't believe it, he was the real final holdout, telling me to stick with BT, work through it because he could tell how much I love him. But after I had finally decided to end the marriage, because of several factors, like the fact that I'd be closer to a job that it looked like I was going to take and to make fucking easier, TyRoy and I started talking about/around the subject of living together. And just the other day, he had made mention of marriage.
It's an interesting and difficult situation. Obviously, it doesn't make me look any less the bad guy in the divorce, though I've pretty much accepted that I'm the bad guy and that isn't going to change. I still love my husband very much and would be with him if I could deal with the other things that come along with it. I care very much for TyRoy. (Damn, I kinda hate that psuedonym because it makes it so much harder to talk in a serious way about anything. Oh well.) But I am not in love with him right now. I'm not ruling out that possibility, but it just isn't how it is right now. And I honestly don't think he's in love with me right now. I'm kinda glad about that though. I got swept off my feet once before and I think I probably swept BT off his feet too and look where that got us. I also know that I probably shouldn't be rushing into something serious so soon, or probably at all, but it was kinda serious before I even realized it and I can't just rewind and make it different. I also don't really know if I want to be with a military man again after all this. TyRoy will probably be stationed here for another couple years and then he'll go wherever they tell him to. Depending on the state of the wars America is involved in, he'll probably get deployed again from wherever we are at, which will be a place where I'll have no friends and family. What draws me to this, and I think TyRoy too, is, in large part, the convenience and ways in which we fit what the other is looking for. Neither of us wants to be monogamous. Both of us want fulfilling, supportive relationships (both sexually and otherwise) where we truly be ourselves and pursue those things that we want to. Also, we both do care about each other and want to take care of the other person. And, hell, that might really be what a good relationship/marriage is made of. Not this wonderful, amazing, make everything else disappear kind of love, but just the everyday dealing with things together and taking care of each other and promoting what the other wants to do.
But, for the most part, I'm kinda useless. I can't blame it all on the state of my marriage, though. Maybe I can blame it on the depression, but I'm not sure about that either. Maybe I should just blame it on being a lazy bum who wants to sleep all day. I fucked up the one job that I had lined up, though I probably shouldn't have wanted or taken that job anyway because it was.... complicated. I really need to get on looking for a job so that I can support myself, no matter what happens with BT or TyRoy or anyone. Plus, the health insurance company is finally coming through on paying their part of my hospital bills from my gallbladder surgery so I have to come up with my co-pays. Granted, the co-pays aren't nearly as much as the full surgery but they aren't exactly cheap either. And I really REALLY want to get myself back together enough to go back to school and finish. Well, finish getting a Bachelor's Degree. That degree might not actually get me more money at a job or anywhere at all really, but I have to at least say that I was able to do it. How many completely worthless assholes do I know who've had their BA for years and years now??? I was supposed to be the golden child and I can't manage to get mine in, what, 7+ years??? Come on now. But, that is what is up with me right now. Please feel free to comment, berate, whatever.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Fucking John Mayer!
So I’m sitting here, flipping through channels on this Saturday night, just managing to come out of the funk that’s kept me in bed for the past three days, and I stumble upon his latest Austin City Limits performance, which is mostly just stuff from his latest album Continuum. Now, I love John Mayer but this probably wasn’t be best night to get me all introspective and shit. I probably should have picked out a big-budget movie from the box of cloned DVDs that I haven’t watched yet and seen some shit blown up. But as soon as I hit on him singing “Belief”, I knew that I had to write a blog post. For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking that I should write something for my blogs but I couldn’t really come up with anything ‘appropriate’ to write. I’m sure regular readers of my blog are wondering what I might write that I would consider inappropriate, but it isn’t really about me. A great deal of it is about other people, people that I don’t want to hurt or endanger by writing my truths and my feelings.
But listening to him sing “Belief” brought up something that I probably should write about, something that I might be in a unique position to write about, though I don’t claim that my position is right or wrong-it’s simply mine.
While I’ve always had a passing interest in politics and a passing idea of what was going on in this country and a slight idea about things in the rest of the world, I started paying more attention to the bigger picture (i.e. things other than just those issues that directly effected me and mine) after 9/11, though mostly because of Sir’s interest in those things. It brought me another thing with which I could discuss with Sir in a semi-intellectual manner. Fortunately, this interest in politics didn’t go away when Sir and I broke up. Actually, it allowed me to more freely express and pursue my political ideas, which were and are much more liberal than Sir’s are.
But it is in this context that I assessed and constantly reassessed my beliefs and feelings about the current Iraq War. But no matter how much information I have read, I always feel like I’m coming up short. I feel like I still don’t have enough information to make an informed decision. In my mind, I would think that any leader and/or politician without an agenda might feel the same, though they do probably have some information not available to the general public. From the beginning, I really didn’t know if I felt the United States (and our Coalition of the Willing) should start a war in Iraq. And as we have not found any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and fighting continues in Iraq, which gets closer and closer to civil war, it becomes harder and harder to support this particular war. And, while it has never been one of my favorite songs on the Continuum album, I think that “Belief” does bring out that sort of ambivalence about the war, about anything that is supported by ‘belief’ because everyone believes in something and no one is just going to change their mind because someone else yells louder. In the song, belief is not necessarily good or bad: “Belief is a beautiful armor/ But makes for the heaviest sword.”
But what really gets to me, especially now, comes at the end of the song. “We're never gonna win the world/ We're never gonna stop the war/ We're never gonna beat this/ If belief is what we're fighting for//What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand?/ Belief can/ Belief can/ What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand?/ Belief can/ Belief can.” On the one hand, I recognize that ‘the war’, especially what radio commentator Michael Savage would call the War on Islamofascism, or hell, any fight that is based on beliefs, will never truly be won. But I also don’t think that our politicians keep us involved in two wars overseas that aren’t going very well because they believe it is the right thing to do or because they believe that they are making the world a better place. Personally I believe that the only things they consider are their political futures, their bank accounts and the bank accounts of their friends.
And, despite feeling this for quite awhile, despite knowing that this war was/is killing children, not only Iraqi and Afgani children in the war zones, but also our children, the 18 year old boy- and girl-soldiers that we are sending to do our dirty work, despite knowing that pretty much everyday at least one U.S. mother loses a child to this war, I never really cared. I have to admit that I was just as ambivalent to it as everyone else. The first song on and the first single from Mayer’s Continuum is “Waiting for the World to Change”. In it, he discusses how people of his generation are viewed as uninvolved but he tries to give reasons for this, saying that people of his generation, and I think people of my generation as well, feel disempowered. Even my mom identifies with the lines “And when you trust your television/ What you get is what you got/ Cause when they own the information, oh/ They can bend it all they want.”
So, why do I care now? Why do I feel like I should write about my ambivalence now? Because now I’m a soldier’s wife. I’m the wife of a soldier who is leaving for Iraq in less than a month. That child buried in the sand would be my husband, who’s never really grown up, who has a foot-locker full of Star Wars figures. That folded flag would be in my hands. The night I met him, he told me that he would be shipping out in January, so I knew from the start of our relationship. But it wasn’t until a few nights after we were married that I ever knew how he felt about the war he was going to fight or the man who was ordering him to fight it. As a pinko, liberal, queer, feminist, etc, etc, I never got into a discussion with this man who I was having amazing sex with about his political beliefs, mostly because I was afraid of finding out that he was a hardcore neoconservative. And I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t support him or what he was going to do, because I do support him. I have a great deal of respect for him, for any and all men and women who choose to fight for our country, especially because I know it is something that I could not do, for many reasons. Imagine my surprise when my new husband revealed that he did not believe in this war and that he doesn’t like his Commander-in-Chief, but that he asked for this deployment because his military brothers and sisters were out there fighting and he should be as well. And, for as hard as it is sometimes, I will do everything and anything in my power to support him as he is fighting.
But that doesn’t mean that I think we should just continue to fight, ad infinitum, in Iraq, especially as it seems that nothing is getting better, but I don’t have any answers. Should we “cut-and-run”? Should we put even more of our soldiers there to stabilize the region? I don’t have these answers. I’m just the wife of a soldier who is proud of how well-trained he is but would be much happier if he never had to use that training.
[Oh, and why I titled this “Fucking John Mayer” is because I started this right after he sang one of those songs that I can never hear without crying- “Stop This Train”. I have a previous post with this song in it, but no matter what I’m going through, it speaks to something in my life at that point. I could never sing this song in concert. Hell, he didn’t seem like he could make it through the song without a few tears. I suppose for me, I have a great deal of reasons why I would like to “stop this train” and keep things like they are. And so I started crying. Then, he followed it up with the other song on Continuum which makes me cry a good deal of the time, “Gravity”. So, fucking John Mayer: making me cry! Oh, but I love him so!]
But listening to him sing “Belief” brought up something that I probably should write about, something that I might be in a unique position to write about, though I don’t claim that my position is right or wrong-it’s simply mine.
While I’ve always had a passing interest in politics and a passing idea of what was going on in this country and a slight idea about things in the rest of the world, I started paying more attention to the bigger picture (i.e. things other than just those issues that directly effected me and mine) after 9/11, though mostly because of Sir’s interest in those things. It brought me another thing with which I could discuss with Sir in a semi-intellectual manner. Fortunately, this interest in politics didn’t go away when Sir and I broke up. Actually, it allowed me to more freely express and pursue my political ideas, which were and are much more liberal than Sir’s are.
But it is in this context that I assessed and constantly reassessed my beliefs and feelings about the current Iraq War. But no matter how much information I have read, I always feel like I’m coming up short. I feel like I still don’t have enough information to make an informed decision. In my mind, I would think that any leader and/or politician without an agenda might feel the same, though they do probably have some information not available to the general public. From the beginning, I really didn’t know if I felt the United States (and our Coalition of the Willing) should start a war in Iraq. And as we have not found any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and fighting continues in Iraq, which gets closer and closer to civil war, it becomes harder and harder to support this particular war. And, while it has never been one of my favorite songs on the Continuum album, I think that “Belief” does bring out that sort of ambivalence about the war, about anything that is supported by ‘belief’ because everyone believes in something and no one is just going to change their mind because someone else yells louder. In the song, belief is not necessarily good or bad: “Belief is a beautiful armor/ But makes for the heaviest sword.”
But what really gets to me, especially now, comes at the end of the song. “We're never gonna win the world/ We're never gonna stop the war/ We're never gonna beat this/ If belief is what we're fighting for//What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand?/ Belief can/ Belief can/ What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand?/ Belief can/ Belief can.” On the one hand, I recognize that ‘the war’, especially what radio commentator Michael Savage would call the War on Islamofascism, or hell, any fight that is based on beliefs, will never truly be won. But I also don’t think that our politicians keep us involved in two wars overseas that aren’t going very well because they believe it is the right thing to do or because they believe that they are making the world a better place. Personally I believe that the only things they consider are their political futures, their bank accounts and the bank accounts of their friends.
And, despite feeling this for quite awhile, despite knowing that this war was/is killing children, not only Iraqi and Afgani children in the war zones, but also our children, the 18 year old boy- and girl-soldiers that we are sending to do our dirty work, despite knowing that pretty much everyday at least one U.S. mother loses a child to this war, I never really cared. I have to admit that I was just as ambivalent to it as everyone else. The first song on and the first single from Mayer’s Continuum is “Waiting for the World to Change”. In it, he discusses how people of his generation are viewed as uninvolved but he tries to give reasons for this, saying that people of his generation, and I think people of my generation as well, feel disempowered. Even my mom identifies with the lines “And when you trust your television/ What you get is what you got/ Cause when they own the information, oh/ They can bend it all they want.”
So, why do I care now? Why do I feel like I should write about my ambivalence now? Because now I’m a soldier’s wife. I’m the wife of a soldier who is leaving for Iraq in less than a month. That child buried in the sand would be my husband, who’s never really grown up, who has a foot-locker full of Star Wars figures. That folded flag would be in my hands. The night I met him, he told me that he would be shipping out in January, so I knew from the start of our relationship. But it wasn’t until a few nights after we were married that I ever knew how he felt about the war he was going to fight or the man who was ordering him to fight it. As a pinko, liberal, queer, feminist, etc, etc, I never got into a discussion with this man who I was having amazing sex with about his political beliefs, mostly because I was afraid of finding out that he was a hardcore neoconservative. And I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t support him or what he was going to do, because I do support him. I have a great deal of respect for him, for any and all men and women who choose to fight for our country, especially because I know it is something that I could not do, for many reasons. Imagine my surprise when my new husband revealed that he did not believe in this war and that he doesn’t like his Commander-in-Chief, but that he asked for this deployment because his military brothers and sisters were out there fighting and he should be as well. And, for as hard as it is sometimes, I will do everything and anything in my power to support him as he is fighting.
But that doesn’t mean that I think we should just continue to fight, ad infinitum, in Iraq, especially as it seems that nothing is getting better, but I don’t have any answers. Should we “cut-and-run”? Should we put even more of our soldiers there to stabilize the region? I don’t have these answers. I’m just the wife of a soldier who is proud of how well-trained he is but would be much happier if he never had to use that training.
[Oh, and why I titled this “Fucking John Mayer” is because I started this right after he sang one of those songs that I can never hear without crying- “Stop This Train”. I have a previous post with this song in it, but no matter what I’m going through, it speaks to something in my life at that point. I could never sing this song in concert. Hell, he didn’t seem like he could make it through the song without a few tears. I suppose for me, I have a great deal of reasons why I would like to “stop this train” and keep things like they are. And so I started crying. Then, he followed it up with the other song on Continuum which makes me cry a good deal of the time, “Gravity”. So, fucking John Mayer: making me cry! Oh, but I love him so!]
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Important Hair Update!
For well over a year, I had very short hair. I liked it. It was easy to maintain. It was another way to advertise my queer-ness. It was cute.
January 2006 I started growing my hair out again. I felt like the short hair was more butch than I really wanted to present myself as and I missed being able to do stuff with my hair, braids, twists, etc. And I think that I managed to keep my hair under control most of the time as I was growing it out.
So I how have an important announcement about my hair. I can officially put it all up in a ponytail without major stragglers (for a while at least). Also, I can officially put it into one french braid. While it might not seem like it, having to grow my hair for a year and a half just to be able to pull it all back into one simple style, not have to partition it off in strange ways so that it was out of my face and off my neck, is HUGE! And, I can also just put some leave in conditioner and some anti-frizz on it, crunch it up a little, and get it to look pretty decent! How awesome is that!!!!
I'm sure I'll get regular trims and maybe add a little style to it, especially when I get back home to my beloved lesbian hairdresser, but I'm going to keep growing it for awhile. I missed having hair that I could do strange things to. I keep imagining doing those intricate braid things that women in ancient Rome and Greece used to do to their hair. Of course, they had hours and many slaves. But at least I have the hair to do it with now. Yea!!!!
January 2006 I started growing my hair out again. I felt like the short hair was more butch than I really wanted to present myself as and I missed being able to do stuff with my hair, braids, twists, etc. And I think that I managed to keep my hair under control most of the time as I was growing it out.
So I how have an important announcement about my hair. I can officially put it all up in a ponytail without major stragglers (for a while at least). Also, I can officially put it into one french braid. While it might not seem like it, having to grow my hair for a year and a half just to be able to pull it all back into one simple style, not have to partition it off in strange ways so that it was out of my face and off my neck, is HUGE! And, I can also just put some leave in conditioner and some anti-frizz on it, crunch it up a little, and get it to look pretty decent! How awesome is that!!!!
I'm sure I'll get regular trims and maybe add a little style to it, especially when I get back home to my beloved lesbian hairdresser, but I'm going to keep growing it for awhile. I missed having hair that I could do strange things to. I keep imagining doing those intricate braid things that women in ancient Rome and Greece used to do to their hair. Of course, they had hours and many slaves. But at least I have the hair to do it with now. Yea!!!!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Black Poets Collective
Tonight I went to the Writer's Place to see/hear some poets from the Black Poets Collective perform their work. It was amazing. White it shouldn't be, it is still amazing to me how much hearing the work of others can inspire you to continue to create your own, to believe that you may be able to touch people or make people think as these people have just done to you with their work. I think it is often lost on me all the time and effort and artistry that goes in to things I read on a page because I've been reading books all my life, but it is reinforced whenever I hear someone perform their work. On the other hand, attending these performances by "everyday people", people who may be published but do not get to create their art as their livelihood, demystifies it and makes me feel like I actually might be able to do what they are doing. That the things I am making can do the same thing as their works. That I can "sell-out" and get that day job but still produce meaningful art, as long as I continue to produce. I owe all those who I've witness perform a debt of gratitude that I could never repay, but I also hope to accrue more of that debt by seeing more people perform their work, both to support them and to boost up myself.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Cool Upcoming Events
******* The Black Poets Collective will do a Riverfront Special, Saturday, April 28th, 8:00 pm at The Writers Place (not at 2:00 pm at listed in KC Star, Sunday A&E section)
The Black Poets Collective is group of African American artists and poets dedicated to social change and advancement for all people. The Collective has staged and sponsored numerous spoken-word events including featured readings and open mic sessions at The Blue Room at the American Jazz Museum, the Paseo Academy, and the Lansing State Prison. Members of Black Poets Collective are veterans of various competitions and poetry slams.
*******Thurs May 3rd- Showing of a movie called Troost.
TROOST: A Film About the Racial Division of Kansas City
For decades, Troost Avenue has been knows as the racial dividing line of Kansas City. In 2006, Brian Bustos and Sam Sullivant, both undergraduates at UMKC, decided to make a film retelling just a few of the many stories that they believe contributed to the dysfunction in their city. Through music and film, the two have found a way to revive lost stories of Kansas City’s past and retell them to their generation.During the research for video, the two students drove up and down Troost Ave., interviewing people, trying to capture the heartbeat of the street. They were surprised to find, amongst empty window shops, vacated buildings, and shattered dreams, a small, diverse group of leaders strategizing to transform Troost Ave. from a line of division to a place of gathering andcreativity. TROOST is a film about a city’s painful past and thecitizens who are determined to heal it.
May 3, 7pm, Creative Minds Theater, 31st & Troost. For more info, contact Brian at 816.509.8548.
*********LGBT Community Picnic
We Are Family . . .Join us!Unity in the Community!
Please join us Saturday, May 12th, 12 noon at Swope Park-Shelter Three for our community's first ever LGBT Community Wide Picnic. Over 50 organizations, churches, schools and businesses will be participating, and WE WANT YOU to join us on this special day.
The LGCC will be providing hot dogs, chips and bottled water. Every organization (or group of friends) should coordinate bringing your own choice of other dishes (and if you want to bring enough to share with others, that would be great).
The day is very casual, family-friendly. We'll have some games and activities going on for anyone who wants to participate, but bring your own fun, there's plenty of room for frisbees, croquet, badmittten and kites.
This is a great way for everyone in our community to come together for a fun event, share it with friends, meet some new people, and be proud of what KC's LGBT community is all about.
We are needing a rough head count, so please RSVP by May 1 to Mitch Levine at http://us.f551.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=rsvp@lgcckc.org.
Looking forward to seeing you there!
Where & When Swope Park
Shelter 3
(located near the Band Pavilion)Saturday, May 12,2007
12:00 noon.
The Black Poets Collective is group of African American artists and poets dedicated to social change and advancement for all people. The Collective has staged and sponsored numerous spoken-word events including featured readings and open mic sessions at The Blue Room at the American Jazz Museum, the Paseo Academy, and the Lansing State Prison. Members of Black Poets Collective are veterans of various competitions and poetry slams.
*******Thurs May 3rd- Showing of a movie called Troost.
TROOST: A Film About the Racial Division of Kansas City
For decades, Troost Avenue has been knows as the racial dividing line of Kansas City. In 2006, Brian Bustos and Sam Sullivant, both undergraduates at UMKC, decided to make a film retelling just a few of the many stories that they believe contributed to the dysfunction in their city. Through music and film, the two have found a way to revive lost stories of Kansas City’s past and retell them to their generation.During the research for video, the two students drove up and down Troost Ave., interviewing people, trying to capture the heartbeat of the street. They were surprised to find, amongst empty window shops, vacated buildings, and shattered dreams, a small, diverse group of leaders strategizing to transform Troost Ave. from a line of division to a place of gathering andcreativity. TROOST is a film about a city’s painful past and thecitizens who are determined to heal it.
May 3, 7pm, Creative Minds Theater, 31st & Troost. For more info, contact Brian at 816.509.8548.
*********LGBT Community Picnic
We Are Family . . .Join us!Unity in the Community!
Please join us Saturday, May 12th, 12 noon at Swope Park-Shelter Three for our community's first ever LGBT Community Wide Picnic. Over 50 organizations, churches, schools and businesses will be participating, and WE WANT YOU to join us on this special day.
The LGCC will be providing hot dogs, chips and bottled water. Every organization (or group of friends) should coordinate bringing your own choice of other dishes (and if you want to bring enough to share with others, that would be great).
The day is very casual, family-friendly. We'll have some games and activities going on for anyone who wants to participate, but bring your own fun, there's plenty of room for frisbees, croquet, badmittten and kites.
This is a great way for everyone in our community to come together for a fun event, share it with friends, meet some new people, and be proud of what KC's LGBT community is all about.
We are needing a rough head count, so please RSVP by May 1 to Mitch Levine at http://us.f551.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=rsvp@lgcckc.org.
Looking forward to seeing you there!
Where & When Swope Park
Shelter 3
(located near the Band Pavilion)Saturday, May 12,2007
12:00 noon.
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