The Weight Cycle

Newsweek recently did a cover story on Oprah, some of the questionable medical advice that some of her guests present, and why this doesn't seem to hurt her ratings or make her look like just another trashy daytime tv talk show host. While I found it interesting to hear what doctors say about Suzanne Somers' bio-identical hormone replacement therapy, this is what really struck me:

"Oprah, of course is notoriously bad at sticking with the advice Oz [non-quack
doc] and Greene [personal trainer] dispense, especially when it comes
to her weight. She laments her inability to keep off the pounds. In January she
embarked on yet another attempt to trim down, which means all of Oprah's views
are now-actually or vicariously-on a diet too. She will lose the weight, and
there will be much remarking upon it. But then, in a year, or two, or three,
experience teaches us that the fat will likely come back. And she will lament.
And then she will do it all over again, with a whole new set of experts armed
with the latest breakthrough theories on how to live our next best life and
all-new, must-have books and gadgets and ointments to ease the way."

(I would link to the rest of the article, but it's not online.)

Obviously, these writers are lucky enough to never have been overweight (or at least never want to lose that weight) and doesn't have anyone close to them who has gone through this. If they did, they might not brush it off so easily. Almost everyone in my family deals with weight issues. The cycle that he speaks of is one that those of us who are overweight know all too well. Most overweight people don't like being overweight, even if we learn to accept our body as it is. We know that the world would see us as more attractive and healthier if we were thinner, which may or may not be true. What the media, and this article, seem to portray as a failure of will-power or a lack of follow-through is much more complicated than that. Those things may or may not play a role, but what also plays a role are your own metabolism and genes, how active you were as a kid in ways that can translate into adulthood, living and working in environments where one can't walk but has to drive, the physicality (or lack thereof) of your job, that processed/fatty/starchy foods are readily and cheaply available, etc, etc, etc.

I'm not saying that people can't and shouldn't eat healthier foods and get more exercise. But most overweight people that I've known in my life will cycle back and forth and back and forth, just like Oprah. We start something all gung-ho, we work hard, we reach our goals for weight loss and a more fit body. But then time and the everyday wears our resolve down. Also with food, it's especially difficult, as people have to eat. It's not like doing drugs, where you can avoid people who do drugs and places where drugs are sold. We have to go to the grocery store. We have to eat meals. When driving to and from work, it's impossible to not drive past a fast food restaurant. All that makes it that much harder to limit or avoid those things that might have caused you issues in the past. And one has to have priorities in their life. Right now I could work very hard to re-lose the weight that I've gained back. But I have too much other shit going on, so I just don't have the energy or time for that.

I guess it just irritated me because I know how so many (most female) people in my life has struggled with their weight, not just always being overweight, but yo-yo-ing up and down. And I don't think they just gain the weight back because they can't follow advice or are failures or even because their weight loss program was a fad diet. I think they gain it back in large part just because of life and our life in this time and place. Plus, even if you think overweight people are all Wal-mart consuming, mindless, uneducated suckers, as we're 50% of the population, I think you might at least give up some respect for us.

Friday's Random Bitching

• Is it horrible of me to pass up a possible job opportunity where I'd have to stop my work with the LGBT group that I've been volunteering with and any weekend trips to Slightly Larger Midwestern City to see my Grandma? I didn't even really get into the interview before I was told that it was every weekend, both days, and also a couple shifts during the week, and told to come back to talk to the manager if I was ok with that schedule. So I don't really know if I would have been offered a job or not. Also, it's definately just a job, not a career, probably doesn't pay much more than minumum wage, part-time retail work in a hardware store when I don't know much about tools and such. Maybe I'm just rationalizing because I really don't want to take this job, but I also feel bad in not taking any job that is offered me right now, as it's so hard to find jobs anyway and I am living off other people. Mom won't really answer me about what she thinks I should do. TyRoy said that it is pretty bratty to "turn down a good job." I think our definitions of "good" are vastly different. Honestly, I think I would take a job I didn't think I'd like if the hours weren't every single weekend. And, while I know this is in part my privilege talking, I don't think it's fair to a job to take a job just to take it while I'm actively looking for another job just to dump the first job. Please please please let me know what you think, dear readers.
• If 50% of the population is overweight and we can safely assume that is relatively evenly divided among men and women, why are there only 4 plus size clothes racks at Target? There are at least 5 times that many clothes racks for "regular size" clothes. And all of those plus size clothes were casual wear, not what one would wear to even a business casual workplace. Do us fatties not need clothes? Do we not work in professional environments like the non-plus sized women? Should we just stay home, locked up so no one else can see our ugly fat bodies? Do they just not want our money? Grrr. Not that I have any money to buy anything, but I would still like to be able to find clothes that fit my body, especially when there is a large percentage of women who also need the same category of clothes that aren't stocked.
• I hate feeling like this medication has made me cognitively slower. Other than the schedule of the position, I also found out in the interview that the job is very fast paced, with either a store full of people or a back-room full of stock to put out. I hate admitting that I thought about stopping the interview there. I have a hard time dealing with a crowd of people, even on my best day. I tend to need a bigger bubble of personal space these days. And I'm just not as fast. I can't get things out of my mouth. I back my car up, only to find that a car has appearred behind me out of nowhere, when I could swear I checked my mirrors before I took my foot off the brake. I remember when I worked at a gas station/convenience store when I was in my late teens. They prided themselves on their friendliness, well-stocked shelves, and cleanliness. By the end of training, we had to be able to do the full cleaning and stocking routine in 2 hours flat. We would get crazy busy at times and I remember being able to handle the rushes. I haven't applied to work for that same company again, though I know I have a great record with them from when I worked, because I know I can't do that stuff as fast, if at all. It's not that I don't think I can do anything. It's just that there are certain things I'm pretty sure I can't do right now.

Well, that's my day. Feel free to share your thoughts.

Post I Don't Want to Write

So I've been MIA lately. And I've written this post a thousand times in my head over the past couple of weeks, trying to find what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. If I wrote the latest version of everything in my head, you'd be reading it forever. So I decided that I'd try to be as short and blunt about it as I can be and then I'll revisit topics as I want and as I see fit. But mapping this new landscape is like creating a topography of sand dunes- it feels impossible because everything is always shifting. But I feel I can't write about anything specific without laying it all out, so here goes:

When we last left our heroine, she was trying to get it together to work this job that she hated but she was back with her husband, the newly returned soldier, so she thought she could do it.

So, I went to hang out with BT before I was supposed to go back to the job I detested. While it mostly went well, I was really anxious about going to the job. Finally, he and I talked it over and he was going to let me get off without going back to that job if I started looking for another job starting that night online while he did stuff around his place. But he wasn't feeling well and he wanted me to leave. I wasn't happy about that. I spiralled out of control, allowing my anger and the depression to take over. With pills and alcohol, I tried to kill myself. BT ended up calling the police because he was worried that I was too far gone. The cops took me to a local emergency room and then I got admitted to the hospital I was in last year. I was there for the better part of a week, during which my parents and BT visited me when they could. TyRoy was worried about me and I kept him updated on my condition over his voicemail. The couple of times we actually talked while I was in the hospital, we fought, in all honesty because I was being difficult about making the most of the treatment there. And I asked him not to visit because I knew that it would only cause more trouble with BT. My doc put me on a new medication- LITHIUM. It's typically used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar disorder, which isn't really my diagnosis, though obviously my moods do need some normalization. But it sucks, sucks, sucks. More about the lithium as we go.

Almost as soon as I got out of the hospital, BT and I started a rollercoaster of arguing and making up then arguing some more. I won't try to act like I don't bear some/alot of the blame for that. Because of both times that BT had lied in the last year and the secrets/lies that I was keeping at the time, I have a difficult time trusting any men, especially BT. So when he left me because a (female) friend had called about a (male) friend of theirs who was in a bad way and needed BT's help, I was distraught and thought he was cheating with the (female) friend. He kept wanting time away from me, which he said was a result of not being comfortable around anyone since coming back from his deployment. It was horrible timing for me. Not only had he said the whole time that he was gone that he'd want to be with me 24/7 when he got back, but I really didn't want to be alone after the hospitalization, while I was still getting adjusted to the new drugs. As those first couple of days out of the hospital went by, I started experiencing more and more severe side effects connected to the new drugs. I felt physically weak and ill most of the time. And I wasn't feeling any better mentally, especially not after we'd fight. I still just wanted to die.

Things came to a head when I came out with the secrets I'd been keeping and the few lies that I had told and told again. As I was already feeling worthless, revealing these things made me feel not only the betrayal of my husband but also like a worthless slut whore. As these things are already sore spots for me and my depression, it all made me feel even worse. And BT just wanted me not to be around. During this conversation, I gave him my rings and told him that he deserved better than to be married to a whore. For quite a while, he wouldn't let me leave until I'd taken the rings back and promised that I wouldn't hurt myself. I would do neither. I left the house but came back. At that point, I took my rings back. After more squabbling, he made me promise that I'd be around to "do the paperwork" for a divorce. At the time, I thought this was more about the "being around" than doing the paperwork.

I let him know when I got home that night but then I didn't hear from him for two days. When I finally did, I found out that he was serious. He said he was done, couldn't forgive the lies I'd told, couldn't deal with the fighting, and just wanted a divorce. I went to his place to change his mind but he texted that he'd already left there. I decided I would just jump off a local bridge. I was tired of things that didn't work. But then, as I was mustering up my courage, sitting in my car in a parking lot, a group of young men and a couple women, all dressed in camo uniforms (BDUs?) started pulling up. While it would be the first time that I cussed up a storm about something military, it is definately not the last. I feel like I can't get away from military shit lately, which only reminds me of BT, though I'm trying to change that.....We'll see how it goes. Though I have no idea what branch these people were with or what the frak they were doing there, I figured they would probably not let a distraught woman jump to her certain death, so I drove home. And started the long slow.... well, less march, more....sit to get through the darkest part.

TyRoy has been a good friend through all of this. I met him because he was going through a divorce and needed a friend. He understands what it's like to have to give up a relationship that you don't want to leave. And, while he warned me about his lustful nature when I'd ask to come over, he never actually tried anything, at least not until I put out that I wanted something. He just let me be someplace that wasn't home, with all the reminders of BT, and held me and talked to me. BT let me know a week after the initial breakup that he'd moved on with his (female) friend. Even though alot of people in my inner circle have suggested that I make this breakup and divorce as difficult and painful as possible for BT, I figure they don't have to sleep in my body with my brain running every night. I've already done enough in my life that I regret, things that just add to my "I'm a horrible person who deserves pain and death" mantra. I don't want to add hurting someone that I love very much. His life has been hard and so has mine. I did horrible things to him and he did them to me. But I have to be responsible for my actions and I don't want to do anymore to cause pain and suffering. And, to tell the truth, I still want to be with him. I'm trying to leave him be and I do hope that he is happy and I'm doing my best not to do anything that will even look like it's attempting to sabatoge his new relationship. Including trying to tell his mom that I'm the reason we broke up and that she should accept this new girlfriend.

As for me and my life, well, I'm working on it. I didn't move from the couch in my den for a week after I got the news. Then I made the trip to see my Gram with my Mom and got to spend a little time with my ex, who I think is in jail now. But it gave me other people to worry about, which is something. I started doing a bit more. Spent time with TyRoy and got laid. Alot. The side effects started easing up. The drugs intensified the tremor that runs in my family and, though that hasn't eased up, I am pushing myself to do things and deal with it. I still have a low appetite but I'm just trying to eat when my family eats. While I crave soda, I know that my body needs more water while I'm on the meds, so I try to alternate a can of soda with a 32 oz glass of water. And, thankfully, the "fog" is mostly gone. I still get spells, but I'm not completely out of it all the time. So I decided to start looking for work. Until I find a job, I'm going to try to keep somewhat of a daytime schedule and do stuff around the house to help my folks. And, once I start working, I'm going to save as much as possible, so that I never have to feel like I can't just go whenever I want.

Ok, so that wasn't as short as I was hoping but there you have what's happened lately. I'm sure I'll write more about what I think these things mean and what I've learned, or at least am trying to learn.

My Own Health Scare

http://women.webmd.com/tc/abnormal-pap-test-topic-overview
The nurse who called me had already made an appointment for the beginning of August with a proper gyn for a colposcopy and cervical biopsy. No asking me about it or letting me find my own doctor or make my own appointment. Eek.
http://www.webmd.com/cancer/tc/cervical-cancer-exams-and-tests
Well, let's just keep our fingers crossed.
Oh, and I have HPV and could have given everyone that I've had any kind of sex with HPV as well, so that they could have given it to other women who could now get cervical cancer as well.

First Semester Back Grades

I finally got around to looking up my grades for this past semester. (I've been kinda too busy with my intersession class lately to do much else.) And, for my first semester back in two years,

I got.....drumroll please.......

All As!!!!!

(Ok, so there was one A-, but I missed that class way more than I should have and I'm just happy not to have failed! My prof was amazingly understanding and I did all my work like a pro because I really loved the class.)

It's weird because this is the first semester that I've really told myself that I don't care if I get all As or not. It's been kinda a mantra when I start stressing about something not being perfect. I don't have to get all As, I don't have to get all As, I don't have to get all As, I don't have to get all As. I've been trying to focus on just learning as much as I can and really getting something from the class because I'm there to learn first and foremost. And, while I'm also there to get a degree and not take these classes over again, I do not have to have all As in these classes to get a degree. And I actually think this semester has been my most enjoyable semester so far. Though it is still cool to have gotten all As to match what I learned.

Guns

So, I really should be continuing to work on the revisions I have to do on my work this semester before I can turn in my portfolio, but I've been sitting here in the computer lab for over three hours now and I need a mental break from stuff I have to do.

On my way here to school, I was thinking about guns. In addition to the VT massacre a few weeks ago, there was a shooting in the metro area in which I live yesterday at a mall (really a strip mall with a Target and a Starbucks). I suppose I'm really writing this because I don't really have an opinion on guns and that confuses me. More like, I have too many conflicting opinions on guns and gun control to really have AN OPINION. (I really like having AN OPINION on a topic and getting to argue that with everyone I know.)

On the one hand, I'm what is commonly referred to as a damned dirty hippy in the blogosphere- in that I would really like it if we could live in a world where no one needed guns, except those people who liked to hunt their own food or hunted food for others. While I live in a house with guns and pass by our ornate gun cabinet everyday, I rarely, if ever, think about the fact that there are guns in my house. They aren't mine and I'm kinda scared to touch them, much less use one of them. When I lived in St Louis and they passed their Conceal Carry Law, I was relieved when I saw the "No Guns" sticker on the window of the concert venue I was about to enter. On an unconscious level, it bothers me to think that the person typing on the computer next to mine or the person next to me in line at the grocery store could be carrying a loaded weapon. I'm sure a part of this is that, with the exception of police officers, I always associate guns with criminals.

But then there is the other hand. On that hand lies all the arguments that seem perfectly reasonable for people to own and carry weapons, all the arguments that I have no real evidence to dispute, except for this little nagging in my gut. "The "No Gun" signs are like neon signs telling criminals that they can commit robbery and assault without immediate consequence because there is no one on the premises with a weapon to stop them." "The VT massacre could have been stopped with fewer deaths if those students were allowed to carry guns on their persons." "It is perfectly reasonable for a person to be able to defend themselves with a weapon if they are in danger and the kinds of people who would go through the training and process to get a conceal carry permit are not the type of people you have to worry about using their weapons offensively (any more than they might be if they couldn't get conceal carry permits)." I don't really have an answer to any of these arguments and, even if I did, I'm not sure that I would want to make them, as I like the idea of a free people having the liberty to arm and defend themselves.

Feel free to let me know what you think.

Enough rambling for awhile. Now I must get back to my papers. Ah, finals. I did not miss you.