"Had To Learn It From the One Who Let Me Go"

The first time Moneypenny visited me in Small Midwestern City, after our great visit in Mid-size Midwestern City and a month of talking on the phone whenever we could, he brought a mix cd with him, the most romantic of gestures when you're broke, in college and have fast and unlimited access to file sharing sites. It started out with songs of motivation and taking control of one's life in general and then at track 6 transitioned to songs that described how he felt about our burgeoning romantic relationship. Track 7 is Oleander's I Walk Alone. 

I can't take this anymore

And I'm almost pretty sure

I've been here before

I can't take this any longer

I won't heal until I'm stronger

Strong enough to not be afraid

Of what anybody thinks

Of what anybody says

About the way

About the way I am

So I'll wait until the day

When those feelings fade away

Then I'll make my break

I remember being so touched by the song and what it said about how he felt about himself in the relationship. But later lyrics made it hard for me to see myself in the song. (Which now, actually looking at what the internets say the lyrics are, I realize is a mis-hearing of the lyrics. Well, damn. Ok, I'm gonna write the lyrics as I heard them.)

Had to learn it from the one who let me go

Now I walk alone...

[Because she] had to step away

To make me want to be

A bigger man, a bigger man than that

At the time, it was only my interactions with Moneypenny that made me want to be a better person. My previous relationships hadn't really made me want to be a better person, just reinforced how bad of a person I already felt I was. If I was going to learn anything from the "one who let me go," that person was going to have to be Moneypenny, and him letting me go was not something I really wanted to think about then. 

Today I heard a little bit of it and decided to listen to the whole song.  Within six lines, I was crying and it just kept hitting me as the song went along. So many of the things that I'm trying to do now in my relationships, whether it be with the Professor and/or Ginger, or even with Troy, were seeded in my relationship with Moneypenny. I was a hot jealous, possessive mess when I was with him. I could not have imagined that in the course of a decade, I'd be able to have what I'm trying to have with the Prof and Ginger, where the biggest jealousy I've felt so far was situational and easily worked through. Or a whatever-we-have (-had?) with Troy, where I enjoy talking with him about the other women in his life, discussing the pitfalls of each potential situation, even while we're lying in bed about to have sex. (Hell, sometimes during sex.) Of course, the ability to do this, the trial and error, were things I lived through with BT and TyRoy, but it isn't the ones who let me go that are reaping the benefits of what I learned with them. It's these new people and these new relationships. 

I need you by my side

As I take it all in stride

I put away, I put away my pride

Oh I leave it up to you

Yeah I leave it in your hands

Respect your wishes and your demands

But if it was up to me

Honey we'd already be back at home

And living out

Something I'm struggling with more in this relationship with P&G is taking things at their pace. I believe I am doing well at respecting what they have in their relationship and in their household. It's the feelings part that is more difficult right now. I know that I feel much more strongly at this point than they do. I'd like to think that if I could I wouldn't feel this way yet or I'd slow down the development of my feelings, but, honestly, knowing me, I probably wouldn't have it any differently. Once I went all in, I was all in. As they are different people, coming at this from a different perspective and different experience, their feelings aren't anywhere near to mine. I do know this and I don't want to rush anyone, but the other side of that is that it can get pretty chilly so far out on this limb all by myself. It is difficult to just let it be, to not worry that because they don't feel that way now they never will, to not think that I'm making a gigantic ass out of myself, to not shut off my feelings because they aren't exactly reciprocated. 

Strong enough to not be afraid

Of what anybody thinks

Of what anybody says

About the way

About the way I am

I'm also struggling with this. To say that I don't care about what anyone thinks of me would be a lie. The bigger truth is that I often do what feels better for me with some measure of spite for what other people think. The big things in my life I don't do just because people might not like it, but it certainly helps when they don't, which is why I am often so vocal about doing or feeling those things that others might make others feel ashamed. Of course now I'm in a situation where that spite could actually have real world consequences and I feel like a giant hypocrite for not completely owning who I am, for being ashamed of who I am.

There are actually two issues here. The first is something I talked about in therapy a few days ago. Now that I'm in a bdsm relationship, I'm getting to explore parts of myself that I'd let lay dormant for a very long time. I think I'd honestly thought I'd never find anyone to explore them with, at least not anything past some rough sex and light bondage and tamer fantasies, so I'd shut it down. Now that I can, with each new thing that comes up, I'm having to struggle against my own definition of what a good or decent person is. A big part of my struggle with mental illness has been getting over feeling like I'm a bad person. I've not necessarily gotten to a place where I feel like I'm a good person, but I was at a place where I felt like I at least acted like a good person should. But the combination of the things I'm exploring in my head and the reality that, the more I'm submissive in one section of my life, the more assertive, aggressive and even downright mean I am in other parts make it difficult to hold that belief. There's also the added struggle that has come with playing with people who are much more in touch with their desires, desires more extreme than my own. Like the quote the Girls quote I used in this blog post, I am "letting everyone say anything to me." And the struggle comes from knowing that I don't think these are bad people. In fact, these are people I love and care about, who I trust. Hell, these are people I have let or will let do many of those things to me. But there's still this little disgusted voice that questions how I could be around them, much less feel this way, what kind of person am I that I still feel this way about them, that it often in fact deepens how I feel about them to know these things. 

Then there is the poly aspect of the relationship. I came out as bisexual when I was 17 because I couldn't stand to not be honest about who I was anymore and because I knew there would come a day when the person I loved was of my same gender and I felt I would be betraying that love if I was ashamed of it. Now, fourteen years later, I feel like I'm in the closet again. In my job, I work with the elderly, most of whom do not appear to be accepting of anything other than 'traditional' relationship arrangements. I feel like it's scandalous to them that I sleep over at my boyfriend's house. And I feel close to these people. I know that I am only the hired help and if they decided they didn't like me, for whatever reason, or for no reason at all, I'd be gone, but it is difficult not to form some attachment, especially when you know about each other's lives, when they ask with genuine curiosity about your life. But I don't feel comfortable being out as bi with my bosses at this job, much less out as bi and (trying to be) in a poly relationship with my bosses or my clients. When speaking to them, Ginger is my boyfriend's roommate or my friend. While both of those things are true, they are not the whole truth. I feel like a fraud saying them, but I am afraid that I might lose my job, or at least any standing I have with my current clients, if I told the whole truth. 

Aannnddddd I really don't know where I'm going with this. This would make a very poor high school essay. I just wanted to share the song and get down how I was feeling, how it parallelled things both positive and negative that I'm going through right now. When things grab me that hard, I feel like I have to get it out or I'll drown in it, so there it is. 

Disappointment

*Sigh* I started the week before last pretty excited. Joblessness has been getting me down lately, but I got some advice that pushed me to go ahead and start purueing volunteer opportunities, then adjust my scheduling if/when I got a job. I decided on signing up to volunteer with an animal shelter (the same one where I got my older cat) and the metro LGBT community center. All the while, I would continue to do work for my folks and apply for jobs, including jobs I might not normally apply for.

Well, two weeks later and I'm pretty much nowhere. Which is where I started. So at least I didn't move backwards.

I filled out the application to volunteer at the animal shelter Monday before last. I still haven't heard from them. I checked out the website and it said that, because they have a large number of people who want to volunteer, it often takes 2-3 weeks for them to get back to anyone. Selfishly, I was hoping to be able to fill some time up sooner.

In what I thought was a good sign, I heard back from someone at the LGBT community center the day after I sent them an email and was invited to join their membership committee meeting last Sunday. It was a great meeting and I felt energized and hopeful. I was only supposed to contact two other LGBT groups, go to one of their meetings, and tell them about our upcoming activities. The one group doesn't meet for a few weeks, but going to talk to the other group is more complicated. I took the women's football team during our meeting and it was suggested that I ask if I could come speak to them just before a practice. I never heard back from them. I also didn't hear back from the committee's leader, who had said he would provide talking points when we went to talk to these groups. Last Sunday, we had a specific event that we were supposed to be promoting, which was supposed to happen next Saturday. It has now disappeared from the website. I sent another email but it isn't looking so good....

I'm still applying for jobs. I even applied to a few housekeeping jobs. And one of them sent me an email back saying that they were going with more qualified applicants. I know, I know, I know. This means that they are looking at candidates who have previous housekeeping exprience. But what I read was that I'm not even qualified to be a housekeeper. Ever feel like you'll never find a job? Then, you start to look back at times where you messed up on jobs, and you start to think that you don't deserve a job. Today Mom said that they don't call it a "down" economy just because all those numbers are down. It's the people that are down too. In my head, I keep imagining our cities and towns turning into those dark, dirty, scary places of late-1970s and 1980s indie movies. I watched Repo Man last week. Wow....... That movie is crazy.

Helping around the house was going well, but health issues have derailed that the last half week or so. Sorry if this is TMI but- Well, my period started up today, so I'm guessing that my need to sleep for 18 hours a day was some lovely PMS. So I haven't gotten out to do the shopping that I was supposed to do for my folks and we don't have alot of food around right now. But I did manage to be awake to go with my mom to her eye appointment today, as she was worried they would dilate her eyes and she didn't want to drive herself home. Yay me!

Lastly, there's the love life. Meh. What love life? My regular lover has been out of town for work and, when home, too tired and overloaded to hang out. And my other dating relationship seems to be at a standstill. Partly because of lack of privacy, also because of a lack of sexual aggression on both our parts, and well other stuff. I don't want to push anything and I really don't think either of us know exactly what we want so it's kinda just where it's at.

So, no lovin', no job, and no selfish selflessness. Let's hope next week is better.

Bar Experiments- Night 1

I have never been to a bar alone. I always go with friends or am going to meet someone there. Going to lesbian bars alone is especially scary for me because that means that my goal is supposed to be to meet a woman, but, with lesbains, I have a really REALLY hard time telling when it is just two chicks hanging out and when they are a couple. (Ok, sometimes it is really obvious, but, especially in groups, it is very difficult if the women are not all over each other.) But, as I'm feeling more confident, and my three closest friends have been pushing me to get my ass out there and flirt and dance and meet women, and I'm getting a weekend off from hospital duty, I decided to go out to the lesbian bar here all by my lonesome. I even wore one of my new dresses. And I thought I'd file a preliminary report before I went to bed.

First of all, I have to say I looked really hot in my new dress. I got there early, for bar time, 10 pm. Ordered a drink on the patio, walked inside, checking everything out. They were still doing karaoke, so I picked a spot at the bar where I could see the performer and drank my drink. I looked around and watched people. A woman who must be a regular sat down next to me, ordered her drink, and talked to the bartender. We got into a conversation and, though she might be a little old for me and not someone I would have approached, it was nice to talk to someone. Then, this man came up to me while his partner was paying their bill and told me how amazing I looked in my dress. He commented on all the different aspects of how great I looked in it, said that he had been watching me the whole time he and his partner were eating from across the bar, which was really flattering, but I wished some woman had said it to me instead of some (drunk?) gay man. Then, he told the woman sitting next to me that she was really lucky!!! She definately blushed at that. She had to leave soon after that because she works early on Saturdays. But she asked me if I wanted to meet her back there Sunday to play washers. I said ok and she gave me her card and told me to call her. Score!

The rest of the night was not quite so sucessful. I went out to the floor to dance, as karaoke was over by then, and, during the first song that I was out there, this very pretty, slim blonde came out and danced kinda toward me, but never got real close, though we made eye contact. When I walked by her later, she looked at me and smiled and said hey, but she was with this man and I couldn't really tell what was going on there and she was very pretty, so I didn't have the courage to talk to her. There was a kinda andro chick who had caught my eye when I first got there and was just playing on one of those video screen game thingies, so I tried talking to her. Turns out her girlfriend is a barback there and so she just hangs out when she has the time. Then, after some water, I went back out to dance. Mostly, I danced by myself, but there was this really cute middle-of-the-road lesbian chick that had also caught my eye earlier dancing with her gay male friend, so I decided to try to dance with them. They were facing each other, so I came up behind her. She seemed cool with it but at the end of that song, they left the dance floor. :( Oh well. At least I tried. So, then I danced some more and decided to come home, since I should get up early to help my family a little before taking Saturday away from official family duty.

Tomorrow, I plan to lay outside in the sun and read, then go catch a movie or two, then go back out to the bar. I'll let you know how that goes. But I'm still pretty baffled as to how chicks just meet at a bar and go home together. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I get to dance WITH some chick(s) tomorrow night.

Casting

One of the biggest movie premieres at the recent Cannes film festival was that of A Mighty Heart, starring Angelina Jolie. It is based on the book (and true-life story) of Mariane Pearl, the wife of slain journalist Daniel Pearl, who was pregnant at the time of his kidnapping in Afghanistan. I have to say that I think this is an amazing story and the movie looks like it is amazing and really highlights all of Mariane Pearl's efforts to find her husband.

But something has been really bothering me since they announced that Angelina Jolie would star in this movie as Mariane Pearl. It is quite obvious to me that Mariane Pearl is not caucasian. She is a bi-racial woman. I have heard several times that Mariane Pearl personally chose Angelina Jolie to play her and that the two families have grown very close. But, despite Mariane Pearl's preferance that she be played by Angelina Jolie in this movie adaptation, I find it somewhat disturbing that a black woman or a bi-racial woman was not chosen to fill this role. While large strides have been made in the past few decades to cast more people of color in movies and television, there is no doubt in my mind that minorities are not represented (and especially not accurately represented) in popular media in the same percentages as they appear in our country. This is why I feel like, more than ever, popular culture should, when trying to recreate a part of a real person of color's life, cast people of the same color.

In many ways this argument taps into another area in which I disagree with Hollywood casting: the casting of LGBT roles. As gay and lesbian roles go, there is a double edged sword here. Many actors/actresses do not want to come out of the closet because they feel they will forever be known as that gay actor/lesbian actress and that they may only be offered gay/lesbian roles in the future. So there are very few openly gay/lesbian actors/actresses. This in turn leads, many times, to big studios casting straight actors/actresses to these roles in big pictures that they hope to make loads of money on. They want well-known, big name actors/actresses to fill these roles, hoping that their names alone will bring in a significant amount of viewers. But if there are no well-known, big name gay actors/lesbian actresses, they tend not to cast an actor/actress who is openly gay or lesbian. It's a catch-22 for gay actors/lesbian actresses.

What bothers me just as much is the way that most transgendered characters are cast. I don't think I've ever seen a transgendered person cast in a transgender role. Never. For movies about MTF transgendered people, usually they cast people who are biologically female, like Felicity Huffman in Transamerica. This is especially true the more mainstream the movie or tv show is supposed to be. When a bio male is cast in the role, it is usually to bring attention to the fact that the character can't pass as female, and is thus not really sucessfully transitioning into a female. Here I'm thinking of To Wong Foo, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, and Hedwig. On the other hand, I can think of very few movies about FTM transgendered people, though they almost always cast bio females who are able to sucessfully pass in the movie, which seems to be to be a little bit better, but they still never cast transgendered people.

While I know that Hollywood casting is based on financial concerns surrounding how much money that actor/actress can bring in as well as their acting ability, their ability to accurately portray that character/person, I really wish that casting was truer to a character's ethnic background and/or gender expression.

Civil Rights

http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do;jsessionid=E3D7A88114B9D44B121C2D9ABD3AC051?diaryId=878

http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do;jsessionid=E3D7A88114B9D44B121C2D9ABD3AC051?diaryId=884
These are really great posts about the convergence of the fight for LGBT civil rights and African-American civil rights in the United States, which were prompted by financial advise guru Suze Orman's revelation that she and her long-time partner are very worried about what will happen to their money when one of them dies and the assertion that (gay) marriage is a civil right that gays should enjoy as straight couples do because of these concerns. I really love this quote as well and wanted to post it on my blog because I think it describes how I feel about it all. Or how I think I feel, as everything is kinda jumbled up right now.

Of course, there's a bigger issue here than money. I've heard it expressed before by Leonard Pitt.
"I know also that some folks are touchy about anything seeming to equate the black civil rights movement with the gay one. And no, gay people were not kidnapped from Gay Land and sold into slavery, nor lynched by the thousands. On the other hand, they do know something about housing discrimination, they do know job discrimination, they do know murder for the sin of existence, they do know the denial of civil rights and they do know what it is like to be used as scapegoat and bogeyman by demagogues and political opportunists.

They know enough of what I know that I can't ignore it. See, I have yet to learn how to segregate my moral concerns. It seems to me if I abhor intolerance, discrimination and hatred when they affect people who look like me, I must also abhor them when they affect people who do not. For that matter, I must abhor them even when they benefit me. Otherwise, what I claim as moral authority is really just self-interest in disguise.

I believe in moral coherence. And Rule No. 1 is, you cannot assert your own humanity, then turn right around and deny someone else's. "