"Show Me How To Fight For Now"

Weekend with Moneypenny & his new gf, taking my cats to live with him.  Visited with friends of my uncle's,  ppl I grew up with.  Cried on the way back to Moneypenny's house from the suburb I grew up in, knowing it would never be home again.  I can't even drive by gram 's old house.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave, won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me.

But going back only tells me part of the story.  An important part but still only part. The part that is who I was and where I come from.  The part that with each mile under my wheels I'm getting farther and farther away from as I get closer to who I will be, to who I am becoming.  In many ways the person I thought I would be someday, the person I couldn't figure out why I wasn't yet when I was in my 20's. I didn't know then that what I needed was more pain, real pain not just suffering. And time. And hard work. So much more hard work. Hard work that I have to remind myself to do everyday if I can ever hope to get what I want. Well, all that and a little bit of luck.  

I also never knew that the pain would change the color of whatever joy would come. Or that all that "being an adult" that I always wanted would be so hard.  You know it's funny how freedom can make us feel contained when the muscles in our legs aren't used to all the walkin'.

But this weekend, spending time with my bestfriend and his new girl and having an amazing time, feeling that joy for him, for them, something I'm sure neither of us thought I'd ever be able to do as his ex, and thinking about Ginger and the Professor and how lucky I was to have them and how I wanted to work harder on being a better partner brought so much joy to me as I was driving home, when I heard this:

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here trying to pull you through
You just gotta be strong

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm looking right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you're home
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Coming back here to you once I figured it out
You were right here all along

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
'Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me.

I just want to hold on to that joy and hope to reflect it back to the people I love.



"House that built me" Miranda Lambert
"Waste" Foster the People
"Mirror" Justin Timberlake

With These Things There's No Telling

It's her day off so she's there when I have to leave for work. Even after last night, I'm still too shy to kiss her. But if she is not mine, at least I know that I am hers. And his. And that is enough for now. I sneak into the bedroom to kiss him goodbye and then hug her as long as I can before I must leave their happy little home.

With nothing good on the car stereo, I go for the mp3 player, deciding to play an artist I haven't listened to in a while and a song that reminds me exactly of how I feel when I am driving to the place I am leaving, rushing to see her before she goes to bed in the afternoon or leaves for work at night:
Maybe some other time
I can't slow down
Right across that state line
Right about now

Her hair's still wet from her bath
She's sittin' on the front porch
With a glass of iced tea
In my sweat shirt and her bare feet
This I gotta see
If I hurry I can catch
The colors on her skin from that sunset
And her face and that love waitin' on me
This I gotta see, this I gotta see
(Jason Aldean, This I Gotta See)

For the past several weeks, my uncle has been riding shotgun when I leave, helping me through my freak-outs about how much I care about the people in this situation I did not plan for. But today I don't need him there. Her sunny face and honest words are enough to soothe my troubled soul. As I turn onto the main road though I kiss the Celtic cross ring that reminds me of my uncle's tattoo, until I can adorn my body similarly. Overhead I see the Daytime Moon, my grandpa watching over me as I drive in my grandma's car. Smiling, I  feel bursting with love. I don't know how I could have panicked last night, feeling like no one could possibly love me, a tape left over from a previous life, and am glad I self-soothed until sleep, before bringing my unjustified fears to them and ruining the beauty that was shared.

*****

After work, the car radio blesses me with a favorite song that I haven't heard in a long time, which also fits how I feel right now.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am 
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you 
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up 
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you 
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Done With His Move

Today I moved BT's stuff out of my folks' house. While I did have quite a bit of help, I still feel like I did a great deal of it myself. While the money was his, and rightly so as it is his stuff, I made the reservations and rented the truck in my name and on my debit card. I do have to give major props to TyRoy for getting up hella early on a Saturday, skipping his pancakes, and helping me pack up the truck. Also, big props go to BT's friends and landladies who practically unloaded the truck themselves while also being very very nice to me, despite all that is going on.

BUT I'm super proud of myself for all the driving and parking of the big scary truck. While I know that I probably scared some fellow drivers out there today, I did park the truck myself, including backing it up to my house completely unassisted.

I even took pics from either side so show that I was "in the lines" of our driveway. (Only half of the full concrete drive you see is "ours" while the other half belongs to the other side of the duplex.)

Of course, the day was not without its problems. I did alot of crying. I also fell off the back of the truck and did a face plant in front of BT's friends. Now my right shoulder and ass cheek are pretty sore. But, for the most part, I did this myself, or at least with my own inititive and planning. I think I deserve a big hug and lots of kisses and, if I could give them to myself, I would. When we have to be strong, we can be.

Car Tunes- Angsty Alt-Pop Edition

[Backdated for historical accuracy]
What I listened to on my way out to visit TyRoy, the lyrics that are important to my state of mind at the time included. Explanations included if I think they need to be.

Counting Crows- August and Everything After
Anna Begins: It does not bother me to say this isn't love/Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love/And I guess I'm going to have to live with that/But, I'm sure there's something in a shade of gray/Or something in between...The time when kindness falls like rain/it washes me away and Anna begins change my mind...Her kindness bangs a gong/It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away/It's chasing me away. /She dissappears, and oh lord I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Raining in Baltimore: You get what you pay for/But I just had no intention of living this way...There's things I remember and things I forget/I miss you I guess that I should/Three thousand five hundred miles away/But what would you change if you could?

Matchbox 20- Mad Season
Last Beautiful Girl: (Whole fucking song) This will all fall down like everything else that was/This too shall pass and all of the words we said/We cant take back/Now every fool in town wouldve left by now/I cant replace all the wasted days/The memory of your face - cant help thinkin/Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together/Where would we be/A thousand lost forevers/And the promises you never were giving me/Heres what Im thinking//It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last beautiful girl in the world//Tell me one more time/How you're sorry about the way/This all went down - you needed to find your space/You needed to still be friends/Needed me to/Call you if I ever couldnt keep it all together /you'd comfort me/Tell me 'bout forever/And the promises I never should have believed in/Heres what Im thinking//It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last beautiful girl in the world//Its over now - and Ive gone without/Cuz youre everybody else's girl/It seems to me - you'll always be/Everyone elses girl/Everyone else's girl//This will all fall down/Like everything in the world/This too must end/And all the words we said/We cant take back//It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last.../It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last beautiful girl in the world/The last beautiful girl in the world/You are the last beautiful girl in the world/Beautiful girl
Ok, I'm not trying to be stuck up with this one. I just feel like this is how everyone feels when I get to the end of the relationship with them. I can't seem to just end things like a normal person. I have to feel like I'm "being there" for them, which probably doesn't really help anyone, except to make me feel like less of an asshole because I've usually cheated on them and broke their heart. And, in all honesty, they shouldn't want me back because I screwed them over. But I can't help trying to be the good guy to make up for the fact that I'm the bad guy.

You Won't Be Mine: I know soon you will be/Over the lies, you'll be strong/You'll be rich in love and you will carry on/But no - oh no/No you wont be mine

How I Got Married, Part 2

Part 2: 19 Hours From Here to Las Vegas

I blame Jason Aldean. Yep, I'm going to lay the blame squarely at the feet of a country singer and his song named after another, slightly more famous country singer. On our way back home from St Louis, just as we were making this sharp entrance onto one highway from another, we heard the song "Johnny Cash"--- "Quit my job flipped off the boss took my name of the payroll.(I outta here man) Picked up my cell rang my baby's bell said I'm three miles from home. I said sugar why don't you put on that sundress I like so much, Wait out by the road I'm comin' to pick you up. (whoa) Throw your suitcase in the back, (whoa) Done gassed up the pontiac, (whoa) Blastin' out to Johnny Cash, headin' for the highway, Baby we ain't ever comin' back.It's four hundred and sixty seven miles to the outskirts of Las Vegas. What do you say we go get married by a preacher man that looks like Elvis. (yeah momma) Sugar don't you worry bout tellin' your momma goodbye, We'll send her a souvenier postcard from the wild side. (whoa) Throw your suitcase in the back, (whoa) Done gassed up the pontiac, (whoa) Blastin' out to Johnny Cash, headin' for the highway, Baby we ain't ever comin' back." When he sang the part about going to Vegas to get married, BT and I just looked at each other, smiled, and laughed. We laughed then, but I think it planted the seeds for what we would do later that night.

Once we were back at my house, I was supposed to just be taking him back to the house where he stayed in Local College Town. But I wasn't feeling entirely well and he wanted to copy a DVD or two before he left. Plus, I just didn't want to not be with him. So, we hung out around my house, cuddling and talking for hours. Finally, one of us, I don't think either of us can remember which, brought up flying to Vegas. I think he joked that he had the time and I joked that I had the money so we checked online plane ticket prices. But it was just a joke. Wasn't it?

Of course, none of the flights left until 6am the next morning. So, on a lark, we checked Mapquest to see how long it would take to get to there by car. And it said that it was only 19 hours from my house to Vegas. Only 19 hours. It didn't really seem that long. And suddenly, we were both even more giddy, smiling, and actually thinking about driving to Las Vegas that night to get married.

Wait, wait, wait---What are we doing? What am I doing? BT was standing there, grinning from ear to ear, and very clearly ready to go as soon as I said the word. This was all happening too fast. I had to take a step back. I had to get a second opinion. As Mon Parrain was still unreachable, out of country on a business trip, I settled for the next best thing, the very logical, never-rush-into-anything Sir.

I talked to Sir for about an hour. I told him all about what had happened over the weekend in St Louis, about the engagement. He had always said that he would never let me do something incredibly stupid that I couldn't come back from. I expected it would be the same in this instance. And, of course, he came at me with every logical, smart reason why I shouldn't run off to Vegas. Then, just as I was about to let him go for the night, knowing that the smart, wise, reasonable decision would be to wait, to not go to Vegas, I stole something that I'd heard BT say earlier, "It's just that he is the first person I've been with where I don't feel like I have to be someone else." Sir sighed into the phone, "Well, YOU would run off to get Vegas and get married."

Even though that pretty much made up my mind, I still had to spend another hour or so laying in BT's arms, gathering the courage, before I agreed to leave. He was still all smiles but no pressure, probably because he knew I would agree eventually. At one point, I remember telling him that I was just wondering what would happen if I called his bluff. His answer? "But I'm not bluffing." Finally, I looked BT in the eye and said, "Ok, let's go." While I was taking one last bathroom break before hitting the road, BT took it upon himself to empty my suitcase from the weekend, so I could pack new, clean clothes for the trip. I packed the bag as hurriedly as he had unpacked it for me. He said we didn't need to stop off at his place for more clothes for him. And with that, we were off.

Well, almost. Before we even made it to the highway, we were stopped by a cop. As I waited for the officer to come to my door, all I could think was, "This is it. Somehow my mom knows what we are planning on doing and she called the cops to stop us. Sir probably called her. If not, this is at least one really bad omen." The officer explained that he had stopped me because the light above my license plate was out. As he took my license and insurance information from me, he asked the typical cop question, "Where are you guys going tonight?" I figured it wouldn't hurt to tell him the truth. "We're going to Vegas to get married," I sighed. "Really?" "Yep." "That's awesome. That's so awesome. Well, I'm just going to run your license and then you guys can be on your way. That's just so awesome."

As the cop went back to his cruiser to run my driver's license, I stared at BT in disbelief. Instead of the thorough lashing I thought I would get from the cop, not to mention the speeding ticket I had been sure I was in for, he had been truly psyched about the whole thing. We both had to laugh. It was a good omen after all. Without a ticket or even an official warning, though with quite a few more "awesomes", the cop returned my license and sent us on our way.

And that's all for tonight children. I'll pick up where I left off once I've slept off this awful weekend.

Quick Note on "Waitress"

In the movie Waitress, the main character Jenna's abusive controlling husband Earl drives a dark blue Dodge Dynasty. As soon as I saw that car in the movie, I realized why he was probably a jerk. Because there are only FIVE presets on the stereo and no SEEK buttons. That's right. You can only preset it for FIVE stations and then you have to turn the dial each individual .2 spaces to go up or down to any other stations. This is especially annoying when you are not in your home listening area and you don't know where any of the stations are. So I can almost understand why he was in such a bad mood all the time in that car.

*While I'm here, I'm driving my grandmother's burgandy Dodge Dynasty, while she gets to drive the leather interiored brand new Kia, which did smell like new car, until she started smoking a pack of cigarettes each way up and back from the hospital. But that car will get up and go! Oh well.*

Sob

I'm driving home tonight from a foreign film, art house double feature, full moon shining bright against a clear black sky. And I can't stop sobbing. I've been waiting for this cry for almost two days now. Two of the men I love the most in this world are sick. Not flu-sick, but really sick. In hospitals hundreds of miles apart and hundreds of miles away from me. I'm stuck babysitting the dog. And my bestfriend, another one of the men I love the most, might be moving to the other side of the country, settling into an affordable trailer park and buying a bar. I have no job right now, though a big job interview next week. Everything is up in the air, but nothing seems to really be changing. So, of course, the sobbing is par for the course right now.

But I still want to take a picture of this beautiful moon, even if it is with my crappy camera phone. (God, how I really really want a great digital camera!) And I spend five minutes after I park looking for the stray wolf-looking dog that I saw wondering a few blocks away from my house on my drive in, in the complete dark, even though my own dog is probably dancing at the door with his legs crossed. No matter how bad it gets, I'm still me. And it isn't really that bad.

60 in a 35

I love cars. They can be so many different things, depending on what you need and how you use them. Obviously, cars are for transportation, but where you are coming from, where you are going, and why can vary greatly. I've often used my vehicle as a get away car, fleeing the scene of wrecks I'm caused in my life. I've used cars to speed me to loved ones. I've used cars to get me to where I make a living and to the places that have taught me how to make a better one. I've used my car to transport my mind as well, the steady rhythme of the road and the steady messages of the music I play allowing my mind to make gigantic trips. After a particularly nasty incident with a salesperson, I used a car to brutalize the object of my anger. (At least in my mind as I ran over pedestrians. In Grand Theft Auto III.)

Tonight I used a car to get the thrill that I had been seeking elsewhere. Tonight I was somewhere that I didn't plan on being. I thought I would have a handy excuse with work and night classes to gain some distance, both for thinking and to heighten the experience I was expecting over the weekend, when there was no work to rush off to the next morning and plenty of time for play all night. The time constraints of the work week doesn't allow for such fun then. But, as the best laid plans of mice and men go astray, so do I. And my plans. While I went to the place I go to for fun, that kinda of fun was not to be had tonight, leaving me to drive home alone, with no encouragement that I would be fulfilled anytime soon, to find my own amusement. The streets here in the suburbs are pretty dead at 11pm on a Wednesday night, at least compared to the larger cities I have lived in, or even the suburb my Grandmother lives in. So I drove as hard and fast as I could down the straight road that leads back to my house. Not as fulfilling as what I wanted, but I guess it will have to do.

Ani Difranco - Shy
the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
it turns the road to water
and then from water to sky
and there's a crack in the concrete floor
and it starts at the sink
there's a bathroom in a gas station
and i've locked myself in it to think

and back in the city
the sun bakes the trash on the curb
the men are pissing in doorways
and the rats run in herds
i've got a dream of your face
that scares me awake
i put too much on my table
and now i got too much a stake

and i might let you off easy
yeah i might lead you on
i might wait for you to look for me
and then i might be gone
where i come from and where i'm going
and i'm lost in between
i might go up to that phone booth
and leave a veiled invitation on you machine

and you'll stop me, won't you
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why'
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

the door opens, the room winces
the housekeeper comes in without a warning
and i squint at the muscular motel lady
say 'hey good morning'
and she jumps, her keys jingle
and she leaves as quick as she came in
and i roll over and taste the pillow with my grin

well, the sheets are twisted and damp
and the heat is so great
and i swear i can feel the mattress
sinking underneath your weight
oh sleep is like a fever
and I'm glad when it ends
and the road flows like a river
and pulls me around every bend

and you'll stop me, won't you...
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
it turns road to water
and water to sky
and there's a crack in the concrete floor
and it starts at the sink
there's a bathroom in a gas station
and i've locked myself
in it to think

and you'll stop me, won't you...
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why'
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

American Hardcore: The Movie

I am so hopped up that I have no idea how I’m going to get to sleep at all tonight. I just got back from seeing American Hardcore, this amazing documentary about the rise of hardcore punk in the US. Listening to all that hardcore music for an hour and forty minutes just gets under your skin, so now my heart and my head are beating just like that music and I’m so hyped up I can’t stand it. It also doesn’t help that I had a fun little skidding incident on the road coming back from the theater. It had just started raining and the street was slicker than I thought. I was coming up to a stoplight with two cars stopped in front of me. I thought I would be stopped in plenty of time, but a second after I hit the brakes I realized that my wheels weren’t turning but the car was still moving, skidding right into the car stopped in front of me. Luckily, as I was steering toward the left turn lane, which was empty, the light changed, the car in front of me started moving, and the skid stopped, almost all at the same time. But I could still feel my heart in my throat for five minutes afterward.

But, anyway, on with the movie. It was really amazing to see all the performance footage of these bands just roaring, the crowd so aggressive. Also, to know that most of these bands started in 1979-1981, when most of the band members were teenagers, and the whole movement was pretty much dead by 1986. And it was all grassroots, all-ages, play anywhere, DIY attitude. These bands knew they would probably never get airplay on the radio, or sell a bunch of records, or ever be mainstream, and that was what they wanted. They wanted to be the antithesis of mainstream. It showed how a lot of the LA and DC bands were made-up of more suburban and privileged kids who just wanted to rebel against the whole Reagan, dawning of a new America, faux 1950s perkiness, disco & 1970s hold-over rock. But on the other hand, the NY scene was made-up of a lot of street kids who weren’t really rebelling but had instead found a home in the hardcore scene that traveled into their town from LA and DC, which they took to another level. The sections on the NY hardcore scene remind me of Warriors because that was what NY was at the time, before Guiliani turned the city into the family-friendly place it is today.

Two things really struck me, one while I was watching the movie and the other on the road home. The first thing that struck me, while I was watching the movie, was how amazing this time period was for those involved. It is the same thing that struck me when I was watching Nomi song, though this music movement happened about a decade later. But they were creating something out of nothing that was by them and for them. In the hardcore scene, these were teenagers and outcasts making music for other teenagers and outcasts. How often can that be said? Most of the time, the teenage fans of a band or a music movement are a generation behind those bands making the music, because it took the band that long to get to a place where they could be heard. But because they were making their own way at the time among their area and age group and “hit the big time”, there wasn’t that generation gap. But it seems like one of those movements in history that can never and will never be recreated, that you had to live in to really appreciate it, though if you were living in it, you had no way to recognize how big and special and great it really was.

On the drive home, however, I was thinking that, if these guys (and girls, sometimes) were in their teens, maybe early twenties, when they started these bands in 1979-1981, then when the hardcore scene was over in the late 1980s, these guys were only in their mid-twenties. I can’t imagine being 25 and the biggest, greatest thing you ever did, ever wanted to do, is already over. I’m 24 and I definitely feel like my life hasn’t even started, but these guys took chance I don’t think I could ever take. Like touring when you don’t even know what kind of a place you are going to find when you show up, you don’t know how or if or how much you are going to get paid, you have to front your own money for records or tapes that you don’t know if anyone will buy, like traveling to play in other cities and being thankful that you have a place to crash on the floor of another band’s apartment, like knowing that the aggression you bring out in your fans could get you punched in the face, like knowing you could get hauled off and/or beaten by the cops at one of your own shows. And then, just as fast as it began, maybe even faster, the whole scene just disappears. I’m sure that these guys have done other things in the 20 years that followed but I doubt it was easy to try and create a new life after having that life for five years. Especially when you know that you haven’t even lived a quarter of your life yet. You have three-quarters of your life left to live, but the biggest, coolest shit is what you’ve already done. I wonder how many of them just kinda fizzled out, drugged out, killed themselves. I think I’ll try to find the book that the movie was made from. Hopefully it will have more answers about the later lives of these guys. I don’t think I’ll ever like hardcore music. But the movie and the movement it was about is awesome. As in, I am in awe of it. See it, live it, love it.