Saturday, July 01, 2017
Monday, June 26, 2017
Thursday, June 08, 2017
Friday, May 26, 2017
Monday, May 08, 2017
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Monday, April 17, 2017
Friday, April 14, 2017
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Monday, February 20, 2017
It's not really naked today. I'm wearing my own pearls, not the pearls of my old day collar.
I would very much like to just curl up in front of never ending bad tv but I can't. I have children and obligations and I can't get lost in my own sorrow.
I'm sad and I'm scared. But most of the time I don't feel like it's as bad as I did feel like it was.
Friday night he and I talked. We still have so much love for each other but know that nothing is working like this. His biggest push was just that I can't live with them anymore. We need to work out child custody and the wheres of living arrangements the three of us, with flexibility for our lives, but I will always be welcome in their home to be with the kids, presumably even if it's not my night, as long as we make the arrangements. He and i have hopes to go back to the secondary relationship that we think was working pretty well for us before I became pregnant.
I'm trying very hard not to give in to despair. It would be easy to do. It would be what I usually do. But everyone still needs me. Even if the ultimate goal is us living apart and having some sort of shared custody that works well for us, that doesn't mean that we don't still need each other in the arrangement we have right now, and won't need each other in the arrangement to come. And we're paving a new way here. Or at least we hope so.
One of his big points is that he wants us to do this before we hate each other. While we can still amicably work this out and be around each other. It will be a different sort of getting over him that happens if then with other couples who just break up. And it is something that I had to do with her as well when it came down that we were never going to be romantic partners. It is messier and weirder. It especially will be for him and I if we keep some of the sex and play but not the expectations of a primary relationship. But if we are actually invested in creating a larger extended family that can still be around each other and workout then it's what needs to happen.
Because child Arrangements have to be worked out with the three of us, those ideas are a little less defined in my mind. But I do have hopes for my own romantic life going forward, that I will one day find a primary who fits the things that I want and need and I fit the things that he wants and needs. A part of what I will be looking for is him fitting in with my family. Since I came along, he has talked about the fact that we need to add a husband to the family next. In his mind this person might not even be sexually or romantically involved in our family, but is someone who wants to add their family to ours. Of course in my mind, this person would be a husband of mine who is sexually and romantically involved with me but who is invested as much as we are in having this larger extended non-traditional poly family.
Of course I know that this is going to be very very hard to find. Any of that will come secondary to taking care of the kids and sometimes to taking care of the larger family, since I don't think that we not living with them or having him as my primary means that I do not have any obligation to them, it just means that we have different obligations to each other. I also know that it is going to be hard to find all of the things that I want in a single person. Obviously there will be things I have to compromise on. And I know that it's a little intimidating to have someone like me in general but someone who's looking for the things I am, someone who wants so much.
I don't really know how to end this. Just that things are taking a shape. I'm mostly ok, though sad & scared. I'm hopeful that it will better though.
Friday, February 17, 2017
I feel naked without the collar. It's going to take some time to get used to. I have felt its weight for the better part of year, no I guess a little over a year now, and I hadn't expected it to come off so soon. And I still feel like if i could have it back, i would, though with the expectations that it entails to both sides.
It's hard to write because I don't want to say something that will sound bad against anyone. I still have so much love for everyone, especially him. On the other hand I have to write. That's who I am. I feel like I have lost so much of who I am in these last years, given it away to make room so that I could earn my place, that I have to keep some of it.
Really hard when in your heart you feel like you would have done anything for some one and still feel like you would do anything for them, but you also feel like the both of you are left with no real choice. At least without completely breaking everything you are and believe in. I have to keep reminding myself that they feel just as strongly as i do about these things on their side as I do. It's hard when both sides feel like they've given so much only to have what they gave be seen as unimportant to the other person and, in the end, not save it.
She seems happy though. Happy to be rid of me. He doesn't seem happy yet but he will be. I'll be just another crazy ex-girlfriend, but one who left him with an obligation, one he still has to deal with. I hope maybe some day he can be happy to be my friend and I his, maybe be able to have the great sex without things getting too muddled. He can be in the floozy box he should have been in all along. I hope that they can get back what they once had, long before me, long before a lot if things. Maybe she can be with one with two livein loves now and it can be even better.
I want so badly to be wanted and have someone else that worries about me. Not in a Negative way, but someone who cares enough to wonder about what I'm doing or to worry if I'm not somewhere on time. but I'm feeling like right now I'm someone that everyone wants to just get rid of. I know that seems backwards because i brought up leaving first. But that's what i always do when it feels like someone wants me out or it's at that impasse. Because it's too hard for others to sat it, so I'll say it & do it. I don't know how this works for regular people .In the end, I know I need to make myself someone that I worry about. Maybe that I'll find someone who worries about me, who I won't feel that way about.
Thursday, February 09, 2017
I was working 50-58 hour weeks, only one day off half the time. I was exhausted. I was a complete bitch. When I did get to hang out with the kids in the morning before work, I was falling asleep. He said I needed to find a new job months ago.
I found one. I didn't think I'd like it but it would get me experience closer to what I'd like in a different job. It was day-ish hours. It was only 40 hours a week. It paid less money. A lot less money. But I used to be able to get by on that kind of money. I had done some quick math that said I could get by on it. I asked them for their opinions. They were supportive of whatever I did and I should do what would make me the happiest.
I agonized for a really long time, going back and forth, especially since there was another position at the employer I was at that I had applied for which at the time said it would be less hours, though still 2nd shift hours, and more money. (Turned out that the hours probably weren't going to be any less so I didn't get the job when they finally did hire people, since I made clear that I didn't want to work 10 hour days.) What I really wanted was someone to have a real opinion as if it was there life too, as if it was also their happiness and financial well being that was attached to what job I took. You know, because to them it was OURS, not just mine. I wish someone had expressed their own opinions on how they thought they would feel when the childcare burden shifted or when I was home at a different time. I tried to ask and I felt blown off every time. It only mattered what would make me happy. But when you have kids and a family, it isn't always about that. Sometimes it's about setting yourself up best for the future. Sometimes it's about just sticking out shitty situations. It's about so many other things than that. And having a partner or partners were we could be completely transparent and honest about things from exact finances to how we felt about household burdens and everything else is what I want and what I don't know how to have.
And as things sit right now, I made the wrong choice. I don't like the job and very shortly I won't be able to completely make my bills. I'll be a little short every month, if I'm ONLY paying my bills. That doesn't count extravagances like flat tires and doctor's visits. I'm going to go back to looking for jobs, though I'm not sure how it will look that I'm looking again when I've only been with this company for a month. I've been lazy as well. I was going to use the time I now have after the kids go to bed to work on a novel or two. I have ideas for cheesy erotic bdsm novels that I could self-publish on amazon but I'm often really tired after cuddling mini-me to sleep and I often just want to hang out in the same room as the Professor and watch tv or read the internet. It's also been difficult to get down to writing. I can't find the headspace at work because they listen to crappy pop music all day long and I can't listen to my headphones and listen to podcasts or other audiobooks or my own music to let my ideas percolate through all that new knowledge and experience.
But I haven't even been blogging. I know it was a choice that I made but .... well, everything I wanted to say felt like airing dirty laundry. Some of it was stuff that I hadn't said to either partner yet, sometimes things I felt like I couldn't tell them. While it was my own decision though, it has made me feel so small and boxed in. I used to write often speciifically so others could read it, because I felt like I could explain things on the page much better than I could vocally. But the Professor stopped really reading what I wrote long ago. I was too wordy and he just wished I would get to the point. If he ever reads this, that's what he'll say too. There stopped being any point to writing for him to understand me better or better understand how I was feeling or how I thought about things. So then writing about us just became airing our dirty laundry. When you're in a relationship that you know others already criticize or in a group where people are going to blame anything that goes wrong on that ("well, of course it's not going right. you're poly/kinky/etc"), you can start to feel like you can't show the weaknesses there because it will get blamed on that. Or at least I do. I don't want to show my partners as bad people just vent about how things are, that things aren't perfect, figure out how I might fix them, just like anyone would in any relationship, gay or straight, kinky or vanilla, poly or mono. I've let the criticisms from both sides get in my head so much that I just shut down, pulled myself inwards.
But I'm done with that now. While I'll still try not to hurt people, I'll write what I want and when I want. When I know someone could do something to help a situation, I will tell them, even if I know they won't do it because I am just enough of a bitch that I want them to have to say that they don't want to help me or themselves enough to do that simple thing. I will take responsibility for when I'm acting like a bitch or when I start a fight or when I had a bit of an attitude, but I won't let other people blame me for every fight, for their attitude, for their bitchiness. I tried not saying things, sparing other people's feelings and make excuses whenever I could, but I'm done now. Especially because I'm done with others sparing my feelings. That always gets thrown back in my face, like I asked to be spared. I didn't. Others just didn't want to deal with me being emotional or upset, even if maybe I wouldn't have been or maybe that was what I needed because I didn't know I was doing that thing that upset/angered you. Maybe I should give you the same chance that I want. Though these seem to be my famous last words, I'm not sure it could feel any worse that what I"m already doing.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
I had just been thinking about you when I heard her stirring in the other room, waking from a bad dream.
I had been thinking about walking out onto the coblestone street at 2am (SO late to 12 yr/o me) in your little college town as rain started to drop onto the dusty street. We had been up all night painting your little apartment as well as the stairway up to it, part of whatever deal you made for a cut in deposit or rent. You were always doing things like that, trading work for reduced price.
Then i had thought about how far away everything with you feels now. That night was over 20 years ago. You've been gone five years? Has it been five years now? My life is so different than it was, than any life we'd have known. I wonder how you'd feel about it. I imagine trying to talk to you about it, like when i was 18 and you'd call me and drink, getting more honest with each beer. Maybe i could be honest with you too. I wonder if you could understand the things that mean so much to me now and help me sort through the things that confuse me so much, tie me up in knots. You taught me how to try to cut through those knots for other people. Maybe you could do it for me. Maybe i already know and just don't want to do it.
And then she cried in the other room. The little girl who bears your name. I could have let her dad, who graciously didn't argue when i wanted to name our child after my dead relative who he'd never met, get her. But i was right here and still awake. I wish i could ask your mom, my grandma, questions about kids and about how i was. I wish i could see you laugh about the ways she's like me and marvel at the ways she's not.
I miss you so much and wonder what you'd think about all this. Could you understand the man i love and how we love each other? The complicated relationship i have with my female partner and co-parent? How the knot of them and the children leave me paralyzed and ambivalent and bouncing back and forth all the time? I hope you could. I wish i could know if you could.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
And there's the crux of it, again and again and again. We give to the other what we can, what we thought was best, what we thought would help them. We feel like we gave a great deal and suffered for it in the end. Then we find out that wasn't "enough." They wanted something different and felt unloved and unimportant when they didn't get it. All that we gave means nothing. But what they say would have made them feel loved or important are things we couldn't give at the time or maybe ever. They are things we don't have within ourselves. So we feel like we are told we didn't give enough when we gave all we could. All those fights last fall and I felt like she does now. She feels like I did then.
I'm so tired. I'm so sad. In my more rational moments, i am aware that it's not anyone's fault, or maybe it's both our faults. I don't think he can have what he wants. I think this is killing us. I know it's killing me. We need a different way. Maybe that's giving him back to her all the time. Maybe it's just complete avoidance of each other. Maybe....
He'll be mad. He wanted us to work on this together, work on this ourselves, but i think that's not really an option. We can't get past this cycle right now. Feeling like this I'm not sure how we can like each other, much less love each other. In the past year, she had to deal with what was possible not being what she had hoped for. I think he and I need to too.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Today while at work I listen to a cracked podcast that was about how humans today, especially Americans, are starved for touch. I remember a conversation a few months ago where Ginger was talking about how she was feeling. I remember her specifically saying that she was starved for touch. I understood what she meant, and I have to admit that in the end I did nothing to help. Ginger and the Professor had been going through a weird time have been going through a weird time with their physical relationship. I guess with their whole relationship. I tried to help but I think that most of what I did made things worse. I did try hard to give them time alone, what time I could find. I will do the same once we find a better equilibrium with the kids. At the time she was telling me things that she had asked the Professor for in particular and that was one of them. Obviously her long-distance partner can't help with her being starved for touch at the moment since he is, well, long distance.
(Written just before posting)
"My stupid mouth has got me in trouble. I said too much again..."
Monday, June 06, 2016
I never thought we'd be all you needed. I never thought you didn't need things elsewhere. I was not upset that you found these things in him. For the most part I was really happy and I tried to be quiet about how it hurt to know that I had wanted to have many of those things with you, had tried and failed. It wasn't your fault you didn't feel the same and you didn't owe it to me to do that.
I was upset that you weren't honest about where the relationship was when talking us. I was upset that the two of you had all these plans that moved him into our relationship and home without is having met him. I was upset that he was always present but you wouldn't try things to let is interact with him early on, like speakphone or sharing the text conversation. I was upset that you disappeared into him when i needed help, that I was more alone than I needed to be during my pregnancy and maternity leave because you refused to come back. I was upset that you told me things i didn't realize you weren't telling our partner, only to have him get mad at me. i am upset that i get punished for having any response except the exact one you want to everything but everyone also gets to get angry at me for having emotions and that is also considered ok. I am upset that "i dont particularly like him or want to hang out with him" has translated into "everything must be a secret", since I had tried to listen to you and be supportive of things and tried to recognize and verbalize and correct them when it was me having issues, especially since things being secret only add to my anxiety and detract from the reasons I had an open relationship to begin with.
I am disappointed for everyone's sake that because of personalities and how everything happened we do not particularly like each other in a way that would foster adding him to the family because I do see what he gives to you and I do want you to have that. And if it didn't mean leaving our child, soon to be children, I'd even leave, just see our partner when we had free time, so you could do that. Gods know he could keep your house as well as I. (Except for maybe the laundry, but you could teach him to do that.) I just can't find a way to keep our shared partner's family together without being here.
So i wrote what is below on talk to text on my way to work today. Then i read something she wrote. And i just can't anymore. So tired of being a problem. So tired of being caught in the middle of people who won't deal with each other or themselves, much less me. So tired of feeling like every emotion and word and action outside of robotic everyday is wrong. So tired of having to be self-sacrificing to feel like i deserve anything from people who are so incredibly selfish. So tired of doing so much only to keep being told that I'm a problem. So tired of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So tired of feeling like disappearing is what would make everyone's lives so much better. So tired of only being able to hold on because of my own selfish desire for what he gives me that i cant get anywhere else, that ability he has to know me in ways no one else does and to feed that. But tonight I'm alone and so fucking done with being what they want me to be.
I tried to open up a little. I've been holding back for so long, in the name of keeping the peace. Or maybe really in the name of protecting myself.
So i opened up just a little, I thought that sharing feelings that knew she had felt or maybe even did feel currently how I felt would be a way for us to find a way back in. But really shortly I saw that look on her face, that look that tells me she just can't wait for me to stop talking, can't wait for this conversation to be over.
And so I shut myself down again. I went upstairs and cried by myself as I got ready but you can't cry after you put your makeup on. You can't cry when you're at work. So I had to shut that off too.
I know she's working really hard on allowing herself to feel her emotions again, especially after my childhood and teenage years where she was told she didn't feel those things end an adult relationship in which her feelings were used against her. I realized that what I'm feeling is only a fraction of what she felt and any of those times.
I had hoped that when we'd transition from what i thought was someday going to be a romance into a friendship. Most of my bestfriends are exes. But it's hard to get over a breakup when you no one sees it that way. When you can't really tell people outside because of how it reflects on all of you and they don't acknowledge that it is a breakup, that it does hurt you, that it is something you can or should feel sad about.
Then again, maybe she is treating me like a friend. How many of my friends have i distanced myself from when I needed to work on myself and/or focus on my life and my family? Almost all of them, at one point or another. Maybe it's just harder when you live with that person.
But I am starting to feel myself disappearing. So that they aren't angry with me, or at best cooly distant, when i have feelings or desires, I turn in on myself, pull back. I wonder if they feel it too. I wonder if one day they will look up and wonder where I went. They will wonder when it was exactly that I left. The answer will be little by little by little.
Then someone I hadn't seen in a long time came back to me today. That part of me that has all the good qualities. That part of me that is stronger and wiser. And as I said in the bottom of the tub and cried, she came to me, petted my hair caress my cheek and told me it was going to be ok. We had been here before. Many times. And we knew we could do this together.
In many of the poly forums recently I have seen people say that they consider themselves to be their own primary. While I can understand that I also felt that it denigrated any large especially entangled relationship they may have. But when she came to me today, I told myself that I was going to work on that again. Right now he is my primary. But I don't know how long that will last. I don't know if we'll be able to continue to be this close. And I know he will leave my life much sooner than I would wish. I have to work on reestablishing that relationship I had with that other me. I don't want to disappear on myself, even if they want me, the real me, to disappear from them.
Monday, May 09, 2016
What do you do when you feel like you can't do anything?
It's the beginning of my work week. My weekend was pretty exhausting, with little to build me back up. I'm tired and already sleep deprived one day in. I'm training in a new area at work which makes me anxious and frustrated. The baby won't nap and won't stop pulling my hair. All these things make it easy for the depression and hopelessness that are already right under the surface to take hold.
Then this morning she found out some not great health news with the pregnancy. Since it is not something I dealt with, I do not know how serious it will be for her. She is feeling overwhelmed and upset and a million other things that she probably doesn't even know. I tried to validate her, and then, when it seemed like what she wanted was some help not being overwhelmed, I tried to be reasonable about it. But it did not work. Whenever we get to something like this, I do not know how to help her. If we were in person, there are many things I could do to help her. But like this everything I do just seems to make her more upset or wants to isolate herself more. I am grateful that she tells me things, but I do not know what to do. When you add it on top of everything else I am already feeling, I just feel so sad and hopeless and frustrated.
I took a few minutes to have my own little pity party, and then I did something anything at all. First I took my own advice and texted my therapist so at least she knew what was going on. Before I ever even heard back from her though, I started doing the only thing I could do or could think to do to help. I guess that tonight she will want his help, so I tried to take his money and part of it away as I could. Resolved not to latest on him, and then I started cleaning. Everyone in my life kind of thinks I'm crazy but sometimes that is all I know to do. To create a clean space for everyone. To take some impediments out of the way. So I cleaned the bottles and washed the dishes. I vacuumed the floor so they could set the fence out for the baby to crawl around in. I took the trash out. I gave the baby a bath. If I had had more time I would have finished all the laundry. I offered to take the baby with me when I went to my doctor's appointment today so that he could get a little bit of a break.
I feel a little better. I feel like I did something useful, like I am useful. I wish I knew how to help more. Maybe someday I will. Maybe this will be enough.
Tuesday, May 03, 2016
I can feel myself becoming a much different person than who I was when this started. I can feel myself becoming someone I don't exactly want to be.
I don't like secrets. I came into non-monogamy because I didn't want to feel like I had to keep secrets or that anyone else had to keep secrets. I didn't want to feel like I had to lie, and I didn't want my partners to have a reason to lie to me. Maybe that's why I feel so strange to be stuck in this situation. Let me preface this by saying that I don't have a good distinction in my head between privacy and secrecy. While I was never much of a liar, or at least not any good at it, when I started trying to get better I realized that the things I held back or the things I lied about where a part of my illness. We are only as sick as our secrets, as they say in AA. That was exactly where I was. I realize that the only reason I didn't want to tell someone something was because I felt ashamed, and the only reason I felt ashamed was because I was doing something wrong.
But now I am with people who have a different version of privacy. I am also in a situation where it feels like we can't talk openly about anything without fighting. We are really trying to keep a calm household for a while so that we can all heal, but that means that we mostly can't talk about anything. What I want to talk about something or ask about something, lately the question I ask myself is will this cause a fight or with the Professor be upset if I brought this up with him or Ginger. If I don't get the right answer than I don't bring it up. But I know a few things that I'm not allowed to say to one or the other, and I feel like the same is probably true for them. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like the household is just surrounded in secrecy so that we can survive each other.
"But maybe she's different when it is just you and her."
Sometimes I don't even know that I'm saying something secret. For the longest time, I would say things that I assumed the other knew, particularly that I thought Ginger had told the Professor, only for him to get mad at me. I was stirring the pot. I was causing trouble.
I can't say how I feel either. The trouble is that I'm worse at hiding when something is wrong.
Before the break, she had told me that she dreaded coming home when I'd be there. That was a big part of why I left, in fact. Not that she told me, but that she should feel that way. Now it is me who dreads. I am starting to not want anyone to tell me their truths, which is what I would like in the relationship, because they won't tell the other person and being the one holding the secrets from the other has made me a person that I don't like. They'd never tell me I couldn't tell the other something, but I know that my saying them would cause trouble doubly, first in the thing and then in that I told it, not the person they should have heard it from.
I don't like who I'm becoming.
Friday, April 22, 2016
This last week or so I've had these pictures in my head, these little clips of life. The kind but stern Daddy Dom, who spoils but is not above disciplining when need be. He knows when to be strict, but he also knows when to let things slide. Maybe he doesn't revel in a sadistic side, but is a Service Top for those with a masochistic side. Someone who rules the kitchen, making food for everyone who enter his house the way that a Jewish grandmother does. Someone who knows when to push you to do better but who also knows went to make you slow down. He is the head of the household and the ultimate decision-maker, though he is always striving to make the best possible decisions for everyone in the household.
I have a hard day and I'm just exhausted when I come home. It isn't like he doesn't have a hard day at work either, but he's found a way to balance having me take care of him with taking care of me as well. When I get home he makes me my favorite meal. He tells me to let the dishes wait. Maybe he'll even do them this one night, give me a little break from one of my regular chores. He sets my sitting /kneeling pillow down next to the couch, so I can sit at his feet, but he also puts my favorite blankets down there, so I can cuddle up and be warm. He has me dress up in something that I find sexy, because he knows that looking sexy makes me feel good. If I was some other girl in this situation, he would have me put on my flannel pajama pants and a tank top, because that would be what would make her feel good.
We have sex how I would like it. He would take me roughly and fuck me thoroughly. Then I pet him until he fell asleep. He is not bothered by my snoring. He thinks it is funny and cute. He sleeps with me all through the night. But maybe I can't get to sleep that night. Something at work is bothering me, or something in my family life, or maybe I just have a touch of insomnia at that point. I get up to wander the house for a bit, maybe watch a little more TV or read a book in the living room. Maybe my crazy is bothering me. As I sit alone in the living room all of my fears and doubts and insecurities start to play upon me. But I know that I can crawl into bed, wake him up, and ask him to comfort me. Even if I have done this a million times to him, even if he needs to get up early in the morning, he will still comfort me, hear my fears, and talk me down.
When I first met the Professor and Ginger I had not really heard of Daddy Dom and babygirl relationships. I didn't really understand it either. I knew about Dom/sub relationships and I knew a little about Master/slave relationships. But this was something a little bit new. I think that in my mind I associated it with the adult age play, the people who like to completely revert to infants, complete with diapers. And some do. But there were all these things I didn't quite understand.
I had come from a time in my life where I was in control of how my life went, but my life itself was not in control. I had a lot of laziness, a lot of depression, a lot of not engaging in my own life because I was too much in my head. For me, when I submitted, I was forced to get out of my head and to act, to do what the other person wanted me to do to please them. That is what I wanted. But I could understand intellectually how comforting it would be for someone to be in the babygirl side of the relationship, especially someone who worked as hard as Ginger did. I could also understand it from a point of how she grew up, wanting to be able to be young and play again, to enter a time before anything sucked or was crazy. The spring before I became pregnant I even talked to a more Daddy Dom type, though that was more for the 'holding me accountable' side of things than the 'pamper me' side. Maybe this has sprung up more because he is the latest in a string of exes and people I'd tried to date who have popped up in the last few months.
The last couple of days I have just been exhausted. We are all spread so thin both physically and emotionally. It is difficult to even do anything that doesn't have to be done immediately, much less do things that aren't absolutely essential. This is not any one person, this is all of us. Since the baby has been born especially, I have felt like I am always taking care of something. It is not that the other people don't do things, just that I do so much more even than I used to. I am spending so much time taking care of so much and trying to find time for others to take care of themselves, with varying degrees of success. I never or hardly ever find or make time to take care of myself. My self care has been completely lost in the shuffle. So Monday night and Tuesday night when I wanted to cry because I was so exhausted and I just wanted someone to take care of me and comfort me, all of these images of being subsumed in a Daddy Dom /babygirl relationship became very enticing.
Then last night as I was sitting there in my bra and jeans, as I am supposed to do when it is just the Professor and I, he turned to me and smiles, saying, "I love that you're such a hardcore chick but you also like cute things, like pink coats and pink bras with black polka dots on them." Even if I had not realized before that moment, it would have cemented it for me, that as enticing as that fantasy may be, if given a day to play I would still rather pick my sadistic Dom, who sometimes will make me eggs in a basket, over a full-time Daddy Dom who isn't him. I'd still rather him slap my ass or my mouth when I'm smart than to get a stern look and a warning. I appreciate the times he takes care of me, like when he make sure to set aside food for me from dinner and reminds me to eat when I get home from work, or like today where he sacrificed his sleep to let me sleep in. But I chose my collar and I spent months, maybe a full two years actually, working to get to where I earned this collar, and where he earned the slave girl I had become. I'd rather be his hardcore, masochistic, 'run the household for my Master' little slave girl every day.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
I refuse to accept that being emotional necessarily means I am weak and can't handle things.
I am working hard not to expect people to have the same emotions as I do or the same intensity of emotions as I do, nor to judge them for it. Not having the same emotions, the same amount of emotions, the same intensity of emotions does not make them weak. They are just different. I may feel that difference is too much to be able to have certain kinds of relationships with them. I may love TyRoy on many levels and we have a wide and deep friendship but that difference is too great for a romance. I might choose to not have someone in my life who I had less in common with and less of a history with, not because they are bad or weak or how they experience emotion and react to it is bad or weak. Just an amount of difference I am not willing to work to bridge right now, which might be best for all involved.
But I also refuse to believe that having lots of emotions and intense emotions makes me weak. Yes, i would like to not be as emotionally reactive and I keep working on that. But i am still doing better than I was. My worst day recently is still better than my mid-grade days ten or fifteen years ago. Even after my worst nights, i still sleep, still get up, still go to work, still take care of my kid. Most of the time, I still take care of my house, still wash dishes and pick up.
Some of this may always be here because it is my personality at this point. I will always probably just feel more intensely and be more emotionally reactive than other people in my life. On the other hand, they will always feel less intensely and be less emotionally reactive than I may like. Neither side is necessarily weaker or worse for those things.
Wednesday, April 06, 2016
Our needs are incompatible and non-negotiable.
I want security and she wants freedom.
I want joint decisions and she doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do.
I want honest discussions where I can have reactions and she needs to know how what she says will b taken before she says it.
I want my house to be my safe harbor, where I can exclude the world, and she wants it to be a place where she can share her world and have those people welcomed unconditionally.
Her crazy is driving me crazy and mine is driving her crazy.
"No one has asked what I want!" he yelled at me in my bedroom. And he was right.
The next weekend: "You're going to leave. Even if you didn't, we couldn't live on our own together because we'd kill each other. So you're going to leave. Then she's going to move him in and I won't last with them, so I'll leave. So just shut up and let me pretend like nothing is wrong so I can enjoy my family being together while I can."
I didn't think my heart could break more but it did.
Later, I knelt by his chair, with tears in my eyes. "I don't want you to not have your family. So I'll just try to do what you want. What you decide, I will try my best to live with."
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Monday, March 07, 2016
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Another thought train I had-
I was listening to the Hamilton soundtrack yesterday and I was struck by something. In the song "Helpless," Hamilton and his wife Eliza meet, court, and get engaged. After they're engaged he sings " Eliza, I don't have a dollar to my name, an acre of land, a troop to command, a dollop of fame. All I have's my honor, a tolerance for pain, a couple of college credits and my top-notch brain. Insane, your family brings out a different side of me. Peggy confides in me, Angelica tried to take a bite of me. No stress, my love for you is never in doubt. We'll get a little place in Harlem and we'll figure it out. I've been livin' without a family since I was a child. My father left, my mother died, I grew up buckwild. But I'll never forget my mother's face, that was real and long as I'm alive, Eliza, swear to God, you'll never feel so (Helpless!)" Though I know it isn't explicitly stated there but it felt like he wants to create a future for them, that he's going to put in work for her, doesn't want her to feel as helpless as his mother after his father left, etc. It made me think of times I've heard in movies or tv or read in books of a man who'd fallen in love saying that he was going to better himself for her. He might not have anything now but he was going to do it for her. I rarely hear that these days and I started to wonder about why.