Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I'm taking the wrong streets home because you told me to get food on my way home. I don't want to eat. But I figured it would look worse, look more petulance, look brattier, if I didn't eat anything then if I choke down a crappy fast food sandwich. But it would be choking it down.

So early to already be here. Holding you hostage. Making you walk on eggshells. Both of us crashing into those things that angered us so much about previous partners or our parents. So frustrating and hurtful. I would cry if i didn't feel so fucking empty and lost and yet trapped. 

You must feel the same. You took your ball and went home when you could. Maybe it's time for me to do the same. I really hate being just like all the rest. I know i stay too long. Has it already been too long? 

What does it mean when you can find your own way there and own way home but you don't want to anymore? Not like how it did when i decided to look for someone but to really know what it's like to have someone to zip your dresses and put on your necklace, or better yet your collar, on every morning and do the reverse at night? 

Or maybe I'm not supposed to be with someone. The crazy is all the companionship i can take. Much more than any other person should be asked to shoulder. Your partner is yoked to you and shares your load but it shouldn't be that heavy all the time. 

But it would be so hard not to crawl back, over and over. I'm not that strong. The sex, the companionship. I'd have to blot out the memory of the address. Lock up my keys after 10pm. Lol. Yeah, that's it. 

Better go get that stupid sandwich. 

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

We Used To Be Friends

I went to the ER Sunday after a weekend spent in pain. I was supposed to have Mini-Me for that whole weekend. I only got to see her for a few hours during her brother's birthday party. At least my parents were able to help you get a break on Saturday. I think that you didn't believe I was sick until you saw me on Sunday. Or you didn't care. Help was offered as I left the party to drive myself to the ER, since my new partner, who has yet to get a spiffy pseudonym, was out of town, but I felt the politeness of it. Today when I went to pick up Mini-Me after my follow-up doctor's appointment, you didn't ask how I was feeling or what had been wrong with me. 

We used to be friends. I thought we still might be. I'm sure if I asked you, you'd say that is how it goes when you aren't living together anymore and that I'm not around anymore. To other people, I'm sure it has much to do with me dropping the ball with the parenting in the past few months, as we truly cut the romantic ties and moved into separate spaces. When things became more difficult on me, I broke and wasn't able to step up to the plate like I had planned. I have a feeling you feel like I chose a new partner over my kid(s), over the family we had. I know that I fucked up several times by not being where I was supposed to when I was supposed to. I know that for you and yours the why of that doesn't really matter, just that I didn't. 

But weirdly I hadn't thought it would make us not be friends, make us not care about the other. None of those things that we had in common went away. But you barely answer my texts. I don't hear about the kids, much less your life, not even when I ask. I guess that is what I deserve. My abdication made being a parent a bigger part of your identity than it now is of mine. It also burnt up any shred of care you still had for me. I tend to do that. Burn up that caring with need, even if it is a need I have created by my absence. 

Maybe we were never friends. Maybe we were lovers and then parents and we created what looked like friendship to fill the spaces. I had thought she was my friend too. Until I burned up her care and we realized how little we truly had in common. The more time spent apart though, the more I am unsure why I want to be friends except that ...well, I do that with exes. I feel this need to try to salvage the friendship we had, or that I thought we had, because I make my partner my bestfriend, in a world where I have very few friends to start with, so I don't want to lose that. But maybe your partner never really was your friend. Maybe when you operate the way I do, they are a different third category, the lover-friend? Lend? Frover? Maybe once one is gone, the other goes with it.

Honestly, I don't even know why i want you to care. Because that's really it. I want you to care. Just like I wanted you to care then. Like I wanted her to care. Care in a way that made sense in my head at least, which I've learned is the real trick. If you didn't then, why would you now? Why do I want you to? Why do I still care at all? 

And yet I go to bed tonight wishing I could have that easy conversation with you, sharing about parts of our lives or our minds or the world. Not because I want that romance back or the sex back. But just to have an exchange of a few messages with someone who is like-minded on the topic, or at least knows it. At this point in things, isn't that what friendship is? Or a significant portion of it for us? But that seems gone and I don't even know how to ask about getting it back. I think the answer is either that we were never friends or to go back in time and be someone else then and someone else now. 

Saturday, August 05, 2017

Time

The time alone. More properly, what your mind will do in that time alone. That is not a part of the sales pitch for the poly or open lifestyle. When it is brought up, that time alone is framed as a good thing. Time for you to hang out with friends. Time for you to do things you want to do that your partner doesn't. 

I'm supposed to be at my parents' house, exhausted after a long day that had an early start and a nice playful evening with my daughter. I was supposed to get to enjoy being with my daughter all weekend and that would distract me from this time alone. Of the seven nights we were apart, i would be spending five of them with my daughter. The other two I would spend doing things in his house, our house, cleaning and unpacking. 

We aren't poly but not quite monogamous either. I had offered a hallpass while apart, especially as things this week went worse and worse. Except now there is a new complication so that hallpass comes with strict limits. This week hasn't turned out at all like it was supposed to. At all. It was supposed to be one of the most productive weeks in recent memory. Instead I have gotten almost nothing done. Hell, i didn't even empty the dishwasher. (Sorry Sir.) I am sick and in the worst pain I think I've ever been in, which I can only control if i lay down and don't move around very much, in our bed, alone, realizing in the past few days that I don't have anyone to take care of me. I'm trying to focus on my book, but all I can really think about is the seconds ticking away, between when i hear from him, between when i know what has happened and during which anything could be happening. 

Nope, this isn't in the sales packet. I always tended to keep myself busy during these times so I didn't have to think about it. Because I am me, this time is only twice as nerve-wracking as other time without him, as that time can still be nerve-wracking. (I am oddly comforted by the fact that he deals with the same feelimgs when I am away from him.) I just hadn't anticipated that I'd be alone, in pain, and laid up with plenty of time to wonder about exactly what is happening. 

But I didn't take back my limited hallpass. In the time I've been writing this, he's texted and the companion for his fun has gone home. I don't begrudge him whatever has happened between them, just as i didn't last night. This was not a trap or a trick. I wanted him to have an outlet and I am glad for whatever he was able to have. I much prefer that I gave it, even if that time of uncertainty stretched in my head into some of the longest hours of my life. I don't believe that it changes anything about our relationship. I don't believe we hold less faith with each other. 

But they really should put what that time does to your head in the packet. If only in tiny tiny print, read really fast, like they do on ads for medication. Maycauseanintolerablelengtheningoftimeduringwhichyouimagineeverythingyourlovercouldbedoingwithsomeoneelsebothawesomeandterrible.takeasleepingpillandwatchahappyshowonnetflixtilyoupassoutiffeelingscontinueformorethenfourhours.

Saturday, July 01, 2017

The Night Is Dark And Full of Terrors

I love a dark house after everyone has gone to sleep. 

Maybe it is just a love based on familiarity. For most of my life, I have been an insomniac or a night owl, almost always up later than my family. Wandering a house after dark, the ways to guide yourself through a space with only the light from the windows and that one kitchen light that's always left on are well known art forms for me. In long term relationships, when staying in their home or after moving in, there have always been nights like this. Bittersweet nights spent wandering someone else's space, just me and my ghosts and theirs.

Tonight is such a night, though not in the usual vein. Older now, with less insomnia and more things that make what sleep o can catch precious, i haven't done this thing in some time. But tonight i am in pain, sick in so many ways, and cannot abide the bed, or even sitting for very long. He would be with me if I asked. But he needs sleep too. There is also very little he can do for most of the pain. So i have left him to his sleep, however fitful it may seem. 

I like change. I grow restless without it. I will find something new to learn or try or to get trained in when i start to feel restless. But i also can get overwhelmed, perhaps more easily than others. New job, new relationship, moving, new childcare arrangement. All so quickly after a crisis. I am overwhelmed. I cannot cry properly, cathartically, when i need, from pains internal or external. Maybe after a life of solitary tears, i have just run out. 

I wish it was raining tonight as the poetess' words run through my head
but the rain 
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh 
Upon the glass and listen for reply, 
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain...

And yet, i am still soothed. Hydration and meds and movement finally seeming to have settled the worst of it. I am glad for this bonding time with this new dark house, where I am less lonely than i have ever been on my moonlit wanderings.  

Monday, June 26, 2017

Exes

They say that the best revenge is a life well-lived

Last week Wednesday, we had a hard day. We are still learning each other. Some play got away from us just before work and that, combined with my crazy brain's need to verify that what people say or promise is true, oh and the lack of sleep and hunger, meant I kind of lost my shit. We spent much of the morning dealing with it via text and email while at work. Including him telling me that he would drop everything to come get me if I needed it. That if I was in crisis, he would come for me.

We were supposed to go out that night. His ex had just gotten back in town and was going to be having her birthday shindig at the weekly community event that he always went to on Wednesday nights. She had asked him not to bring me with him if he came, period, not just if he came for her birthday party, which he wasn't planning on doing, but if he just went to that bar. I'm sure you can guess his response. I had wanted to go, though mostly for selfish fucked-up reason. He was going to go even though my reasons were selfish and fucked up. But between what we had gone through earlier in the day and how draining that was, as well as the fact that his day doing his actual job was long and fairly training, he did not want to go out.

Earlier in the day one of his friends had said that he should not go to the bar, but that he should stay home and fuck his new girl. Of course later on having forgotten that she told him that, she was mad that he did not show up. Another friend even went so far as to call him a pussy for not showing up at the first day that his ex was back in town at the bar they all went to. Honestly the only part of whether she was going to going to be there that was ultimately taken into account in our decision that night was that we shouldn't take into account that she was going to be there, but that we should decide what we wanted to do with our night based on how we felt and how we wanted to spend time with each other.

In our community, things get sticky with your ex's. I am still friends with my exes on here, even have them on my page. Most anything you write can be seen by anyone. On this social media and on the more mainstream social media, I wrestle often with what to say or do because I am in full view of my ex's on here and of my ex's and their families on the other site. I'm happy, ecstatic about my new relationship, but I also don't want to hurt my ex's, or even upset their relatives, since we are all co-parent children together.

But it begs the question, who do I write for- the new person in my life who I know will be reading this or the person who is much more tangential in my life now, who only wrote what I had written when I begged? 

"Tell me what I said I'd never do. Tell me what I said I'd never say. Read me off a list of things I used to not like but now I think are ok" - Ben Folds Five

I also constantly wrestle with the division of my time. As this new relationship continues to grow and become more important in my life, and as my desire to spend time and energy on relationships that had ended but that I had been holding on to life a life preserver have diminished, I now wrestle with what is spending the proper amount of time and energy on my children and helping my co-parents and what is spending too much time and energy on my exes. So much of my life right now is flooded with guilt because I am getting that wrong, piled on top of the guilt that I am not able to do the things I had planned on doing when I assumed I'd be single forever, smothered in the secret guilty sauce of doing things while caught up in the NRE that I was so upset about someone else doing a little over a year ago. I've written and rewritten this part of this post several times, with more and less detail about the situation. As vague as all this is, I think maybe it best to keep it that way, to protect the innocent, as the old tv show used to say. Or maybe to cover my own ass. Who can tell at this point. More importantly, when did the place I used to come to spill my feelings, the feelings of my loved ones be damned, become just another place where I tied myself in the knots of the things I can't or won't say? 

This week, we aren't going to that event either. The group I like to go to is having it's monthly meeting. He wants to go with me, and it isn't like many of his friends have not said they were going to it as well. I am overjoyed to be able to go with my partner, my Master, when I had for so long assumed I would always be going alone and would never get to share this. I do worry that it looks like avoidance of his ex to the people he knows in the community, even though that didn't enter into the equation of what we would be doing. But how much can we live our lives thinking of our exes? Particularly if they were the ones who ended the relationship, what do you really owe them? What is just living your life as you wish and what are things you should avoid because it may hurt them, even when not meant maliciously?  

Thursday, June 08, 2017

Glass Slipper

"Your love was handmade for somebody like me"

So many things others didn't appreciate but I love. Hardest part maybe finding the balance between my desire to serve and your desire to care for. At least now that we've done orientation I know where things are, know about possible projects that I may assist him with. Is it weird that I'm excited about a sweaty day of reorganizing that garage so it is functional for the things he would like to use it for? Ok, ok, I'm weird. It's ok. 

Late a few nights ago, he had me pull things from his play bag. See what was there. See if anything interested me. Let him find something fun for the rest of the night. 

There was a soft cloth drawstring bag with something round inside it. He got a little smile and encouraged me to see what was inside. Inside, all shiny, was a stainless steel ring collar, with an O ring on the front. 

It looked much to small for me, but i brought it back with me to the bed anyway. After he popped out the pin, i moved my braids so that he could put it around my neck. And it fit. I still have no idea how. It had looked so much smaller that the neck of an adult woman. But it had. And it fit just right. 

I know it was bought for someone else. I know that should bother me. But it was bought for someone it didn't fit, like so much of him, so much of what he does. In that moment, it felt like my glass slipper. Just one I didn't even know I'd lost. 

Friday, May 26, 2017

Pulling back

You show someone how to live without you. How to get by on less and less until leaving is more a matter if disrupting the status quo. 

You'll think i pulled back because of him. She fell for a new guy so she is putting all her energy into him. No, i had already had my hand slapped away enough that i still could have put the same small amount of effort into you that i had before. 

But i saw how scared he was of going overboard for me and realized that someone had made him feel like a pest, like an annoyance, like just accepting his attention and love was work. And i realized that was how you felt about me.

So as much as i could, i stopped. Stopped the one or two nice check in texts I'd do during the day. Stopped offering nice things. Stopped offering physical affection.  

Monday, May 08, 2017

You Ruin Everything

I don't really trust my own judgment anymore. There's always someone to say that my decision isn't right. I feel like both sides are right, leaving me doubly wrong but having no clue what to do about it. I just want things to not tense or an argument and for no one to be upset with me about anything. And I am kinda ok doing whatever I need to do to make that happen until I can be in my own space, shut the door, and feel however the fuck I want to feel. Because I can't feel anything right now. Feeling anything is too dangerous. Wanting or not wanting anything is too dangerous. Showing weakness or instability of any kind is too dangerous. Because I did this thing and they can point to that at any time and take away my kids. I'm not even sure how I feel about anything anymore because there are so few acceptable ways to feel. Even then I'm shit at keeping it up constantly. Sometimes the mask slips. It's inevitable really. I feel like I have rarely been trying to make things worse anyway, but now it's a state of constantly policing myself. I write this knowing maybe I can't post it anywhere. There's a decision to be made. I brought up the negatives. Maybe it doesn't help that I'm upset because of other stuff, because of the stuff above. A few hours later, I tried to tell her that I'd go with whatever they decided, and she was clearly upset with me for putting pressure on her. Fuck fuck fuck, you did it again, was all I could think. "You ruin everything." I will hear his voice saying that until the day I die. I didn't try to. I'm trying not to now. But I can't seem to help it. No matter what it is you think I should be doing, I'm not doing it. And I'm so tired right now. 

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Are you still a slave if you have no master?

Wore a swishy 1950s-inspired skirt, added my petticoat underneath after I got off work, and spruced up my makeup to go to a meeting of Masters and slaves together tonight. Even though the topic hit home in an uncomfortable way and I felt a bit bad leaving home when others had a ...well, hard doesn't begin to describe it, I am so glad I went. While I've probably only gone to a handful of meetings and I haven't been to one since my maternity leave, it has always been the one I felt most at home in, probably because of it's discussion format. 

But tonight reminded me of all the reasons I liked service and being a slave, not just a submissive. It's different to be around people who are living their power exchanges right there in front of you. Refreshing to see the different ways that plays out, that no one dynamic is the same. It always melts a little part of me when I hear someone on the M/D/T side of the slash talk about their own obligations, duties, and love for the person on the other side of their slash. 

When I got home, I didn't change out of my skirt and petticoat before doing the dishes and picking up the toys. I could tell everyone was wrecked. It gives me an extra bit of pride to do housework looking nice. I used to do it for him. Even though it was also for me even then. Now i do it for me. If he likes it, that's an added bonus. But I'm not serving him. 

Sometimes I get to do little things for him. He asks me kindly to refill his coffee cup or bring him something. As much as it would thrill me more for him to be a little less nice, I know he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. But in the end now I do these things for me, and for the master that is yet to come, because I don't want to let me skills get rusty, because being in that mind quiets things and makes me happy. Even if we enacted a strict protocol from now on, I know he can't be my Master and doesn't really want to be a Master in the way I want/ need one. At most, he is just gently holding the lead until someone who truly does want that and can step up to it comes along.

The question that has plagued me since I left the meeting is "is a little slave girl still a little slave girl if she is not so little and not anyone's slave?" Many people mark slave as their role in their profiles. I never changed mine. I think I didn't want people,  particularly D-type people, getting the wrong idea, that I was everyone's slave. I still chose submissive as my role, though even then I am not submissive to anyone except the people I have that negotiated with. Maybe if we're talking or dating you can push that a little, but I'm not going to say Sir or Ma'am to every single D-type or look down or whatever other protocols i might do for my D-type. And I'm still not sure I'm a slave at heart versus a submissive. For me, they go hand in hand for how I want to be with my primary partner. I want the power exchange we have during sex and play to spill out into our everyday lives too in ways that are beyond sexual but entail my service to him or her and his/her care and discipline of me. I like having the trust in a partner that allows me to give up my "no." But I'm still not sure that means I'm a slave, especially if I won't engage in service outside of a relationship and I don't have one. 

I need to go to sleep. Or back to sleep. Woke up to pet him and then babies woke up as I wrote this. Just wanted to muse. 

Monday, April 24, 2017

No One Is Thinking About Dating Me

Recently a newer friend of mine has me convinced that if i just keep putting out there what i want and keep working for the things i want and being more positive and looking for happiness and contentment in the little things all the while, that I'll get those things, especially when looking for a new partner.

Feeling sort of rejected tonight and not having anything recently pan out, I'm feeling a bit sad sack about things, realizing he and i never talked about how you feel like you deserve those things. No, not deserve.... more like you're too fucked for someone to want those things with you and not in ways you can really easily change.

First of all, i require an intense amount of attraction and high desire for play and sex to be felt on both sides. That's super rare and something that can't be forced on either side.

I'm not young enough or in good enough shape to be widely desired. The former will just kkeep getting worse and the latter I'm not doing a good job of changing right now.

I'm too crazy for any remotely healthy person to want to be with. And i can manage really well for shorter period of time but i freak out easily over minor-ish things, even if i now have most of those freak outs shortened and will handle things after the freak out. But i know that it is stressful for those around me.

I push back too much for someone who isn't really a brat. Especially at first. But also when I'm angry or frustrated or bored or i want you to play rough with me so i try to make you angry to get it. Wow that sounds pretty bratty. I think it drives off people. Now maybe those people wouldn't want to or be able to handle me long-term of this drices them off, but it kinda sucks. It feels like i act too bratty for many Doms to still be interested.

I'm not disciplined enough or subservient enough or proper enough to ne a good slave to most Masters. Nor do i desire micromanaging.

I regularly wear 1950s style clothing. (In fact, bank of america might buy me some pedal pushers and a cardigan soon.) But I'm not traditionally feminine enough, nor a good enough cook and seamstress and iron-er to be a good 1950s housewife type.

I'm not free enough to be good at poly but I'm not monogamous enough to be monogamous.

I don't have enough free time to really feel like I'm doing things justice.

I forsee lots of tearful lonely nights and a long time of masturbation, hopefully with some sublimation going on.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The Master in my Head

Sometimes I can feel you with me. You're always right behind me. Slightly taller than me. Larger. Stronger. A solid presence that I can lean back against when I feel I'm too tired or sad or lonely to do this anymore. Nameless and faceless for now, yet still reminding me that there is someone I am to belong to but I have to take care of myself until then. I imagine the words of love and validation you will whisper into my ear, your breath on my neck quickening my heartbeat. "A heart I swear I'd recognize is made out of my own devices."

I am probably not as well behaved as I hope to be when we are together. But until then your presence that is sometimes so real I can almost feel your chest against my back and almost hear your words reminds me to be a good girl. Go to work. Pay my bills. Spoil myself a little but not too much. Work hard but also cut myself some slack. Take a deep breath before reacting to anything because those people are going through things as well, things I don't know about and might not understand. Try to treat others with the compassion that I will want to show you, that you will sometimes need as you will be human too and fuck up just like I will. To push myself to still believe that we may meet and to put myself in places and situations where that is more likely, like community munches and socials. To take advantage of some fun and sex and play but to not settle for a relationship that isn't you. "Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking." 

Even now, you're here with me. But you're urging me to do some real work instead of daydreaming so I should get to it. 

I'll be waiting but please don't take too long.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Often is the Question Asked "Am I a Bitch?"

I know that I may never find a primary partner, another Dom or Master, much less someone who would marry me. It will be difficult to find someone who meets the things that I am looking for, who is willing to put up with the life that I have, and who I have amazing physical chemistry with. Knowing this, I also know that I may be the one taking care of myself mostly by myself for a very long time, if not forever. I feel like often that means I come off like a bitch in pursuit of taking care of myself. 

It sucks that every time I want to pat myself on the back for doing what is right for me, I end up wondering if I'm coming off like a bitch. Maybe that's the nature of the beast. Maybe a man in my shoes worries that he ends up coming off like a dick or an asshole when he does the same thing. I also know that it doesn't come off as very submissive or like someone who would be a good servant, which probably also doesn't serve me well in finding a Dominant partner. 

But no I will not call you Sir, or some variation of Sir, unless you are MY Sir, we are playing and that is agreed upon, or you can make me. Or it's a part of the name you go by. But I'm not going to call every Dominant I meet Sir (or Ma'am) just because of the side of the fence they play from. 

No I will not send you pictures just because. If we are talking to date or we are dating, sure, but even then, no I will not send you pictures that are any dirtier than are already on my profile. 

No I will not date you just to give you or a relationship with you a chance. It doesn't matter if I think you are a nice person or would in general be a good partner. If I don't think we are going to be a good fit for each other or I don't have that chemistry with you, I'm not going to make myself go further into a relationship that I already feel isn't going to work. I'm not going to make myself have sex with someone just because they are a nice person if I don't want to have sex with them. 

No I will not play with you so you can gain experience. Maybe it is unfair to rule someone out because they don't have experience, because how are you supposed to get experience if no one will play with a newb Dom. But my higher priority has to be my safety, my physical, mental, and emotional safety. I don't want to be your experiment, the car you wreck because you didn't take driver's ed. I also don't want to top from the bottom or be your teacher. I think that all long-term couples grow and learn together, but you can't be starting from 0. 

No I do not have endless amounts of time to chat or go on dates. Even after I catch NRE, if I do catch NRE, I am still bound by the life I already have and I would also like to keep some of my alone time. I have to schedule dates and overnight sexytimes in advance. 

Yeah, I probably just need to invest in more and better sex toys. It's gonna be awhile.  

Friday, April 14, 2017

My Proxy Is Mine

My new skirt, blouses, and dresses from the vintage store finally came in. Because I've lost some weight, the dress I bought in the bigger size is too big and I'm going to have to take it back. I'm trying not to gain the weight back, which will be hard in a job where I sit on my ass all day. But I haven't had a soda or candy bar all this week, walked to and from work one of the days. I'm back to wearing a bare minimum of makeup most days. If it wasn't "that" week, I'd be wearing matching bra and panties most days. I did something different to my hair today and it's freshly dyed. I swished into the last day of the first week of my new job in a new skirt, feeling like a million bucks, super hopeful about all the things coming up in my life. 

But I still want ...a Daddy or a Master or something. I miss that validation. I miss that praise. I miss that discipline. I miss feeling like there is someone there to rein me in if I were to need it. Not that any of that happened as often as I may have wanted it to or as most men who claim to be Daddies or Masters or whatever claim that they do it. But I still miss it and I still want it. 

I thought that I could date. I think that I was wrong. Or maybe it's just going to have to happen like it has always happened. Lots of things that went nowhere until finally there's that person who I want to fuck and marry and stay up talking to every night all in the same person. Not that that has really ended up all that well for me up until now but that is the only way I'm going to get over this whole "the thought of a stranger touching me makes me want to curl up in a ball and not let anyone touch me ever." In between those people, I used to be able to do some rando sport fucking but I think that might be a thing of the past. Or a thing where I at least have to want to fuck them in a bad way, bad enough that my pussy talking overpowers my brain talking. I have had that work out ok. But I can't just go out on a date with someone I thought was ok from online exchanges with the plans of fucking them after a cordial meal and not get squee'd out when it comes time to do it. I also can't go out on a few dates with a guy who is nice enough, great on paper, wants the same things I do, but who I don't want to jump right then because it will also end badly. I used to be able to give it the old college try, fuck them a few times, but then I'd have to admit that I really wasn't feeling them and break things off. I'm also too squee'd out about those people touching me for me to go through with it. He fucking ruined me. 

I just worry that I'm going to miss one of the few people who fit what I am looking for and are looking for someone like me and a situation like I want. And I don't want to get so complacent with whatever secondary relationship I have that I just decide I'll never have a primary relationship and give up looking or being open to it. In the past, it has been way too easy for me to get bogged down in that "I'll always be alone" mindset and just stop looking, or let it make me feel desperate when I did attempt to date, which is never a good look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's too early to date. Take time to be by yourself. Get over you last relationship. Except I am going to be taking time for myself, ya know when I'm not watching a kid or kids or working or whatever, and my "last relationship" will just be changing, not be over. I feel like my life is always changing. At what point has it stopped changing enough for me to date? After I've moved and settled in to my own apartment? After we've developed a new routine with the kids? After we've developed a new new routine because they've gotten a house? After we've developed a new new new routine because I bought a house near to wherever they end up? After I've finished my book? After I've finished several books and can quit my job and live off that money? After I've started hanging out with my old friends more? After I've decided I don't really like those people anymore and am back to mostly just being around me? After I've started going to some bdsm community events and started trying to make friends there? After I've gotten really involved there in what little free time I do have and have no time for dating? Please tell me, when is the appropriate time to date, especially in a poly context where I have other non-primary relationships going on and maybe the person I'm looking for does too? 

When I swished in to work today, I wasn't wearing a collar. My collar. How I miss it. I wasn't even wearing a necklace though when I have, it's been my own pearl necklace, given as a gift from my grandma to my mom and then to me. "My proxy is mine. You'll deal with me directly." (Neko Case) Who knows? Maybe he's wondering the same thing and we'll meet when we've forced ourselves to go to a bdsm event or when we've put up an ad, knowing that we'll have to deal with turning down the princes/princesses who aren't for us but knowing we won't find someone unless we're willing to do that. Maybe my person isn't a man at all or isn't on the gender binary. If I ever find it, it will be worth the wait. Even with how it has ended up being, he was. My next love will be too. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Right idea

Maybe she has the right idea. Don't tell anyone what is deep inside. Don't act like anything bothers you. If you're hurt or angry, you're tired but things are fine. Saying things only causes more problems, more drama. Maybe then people will keep loving you. Maybe your needs and your hurts won't cut away at their love for you until there's nothing left. It's not like you feel better right now having been honest or taken them at their word that they wanted to know. Because you're always worse when things are bad with them and it never seems to come out like you want it to, a combination of "see, it hurts me too when we fight" and "what about that other option you mentioned?" No, it's always using it to make them feel bad or manipulate them. No one really wants to know. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

Update On a Naked Neck

It's not really naked today.  I'm wearing my own pearls, not the pearls of my old day collar.

I would very much like to just curl up in front of never ending bad tv but I can't. I have children and obligations and I can't get lost in my own sorrow.

I'm sad and I'm scared. But most of the time I don't feel like it's as bad as I did feel like it was.

Friday night he and I talked. We still have so much love for each other but know that nothing is working like this. His biggest push was just that I can't live with them anymore. We need to work out child custody and the wheres of living arrangements the three of us, with flexibility for our lives, but I will always be welcome in their home to be with the kids, presumably even if it's not my night, as long as we make the arrangements. He and i have hopes to go back to the secondary relationship that we think was working pretty well for us before I became pregnant.

I'm trying very hard not to give in to despair. It would be easy to do. It would be what I usually do. But everyone still needs me. Even if the ultimate goal is us living apart and having some sort of shared custody that works well for us, that doesn't mean that we don't still need each other in the arrangement we have right now, and won't need each other in the arrangement to come. And we're paving a new way here. Or at least we hope so.

One of his big points is that he wants us to do this before we hate each other. While we can still amicably work this out and be around each other. It will be a different sort of getting over him that happens if then with other couples who just break up. And it is something that I had to do with her as well when it came down that we were never going to be romantic partners. It is messier and weirder. It especially will be for him and I if we keep some of the sex and play but not the expectations of a primary relationship. But if we are actually invested in creating a larger extended family that can still be around each other and workout then it's what needs to happen.

Because child Arrangements have to be worked out with the three of us, those ideas are a little less defined in my mind. But I do have hopes for my own romantic life going forward, that I will one day find a primary who fits the things that I want and need and I fit the things that he wants and needs. A part of what I will be looking for is him fitting in with my family. Since I came along, he has talked about the fact that we need to add a husband to the family next. In his mind this person might not even  be sexually or romantically involved in our family, but is someone who wants to add their family to ours. Of course in my mind, this person would be a husband of mine who is sexually and romantically involved with me but who is invested as much as we are in having this larger extended non-traditional poly family.

Of course I know that this is going to be very very hard to find. Any of that will come secondary to taking care of the kids and sometimes to taking care of the larger family, since I don't think that we not living with them or having him as my primary means that I do not have any obligation to them, it just means that we have different obligations to each other. I also know that it is going to be hard to find all of the things that I want in a single person. Obviously there will be things I have to compromise on. And I know that it's a little intimidating to have someone like me in general but someone who's looking for the things I am, someone who wants so much.

I don't really know how to end this. Just that things are taking a shape. I'm mostly ok, though sad & scared. I'm hopeful that it will better though.

Friday, February 17, 2017

No collar

I feel naked without the collar. It's going to take some time to get used to. I have felt its weight for the better part of year, no I guess a little over a year now, and I hadn't expected it to come off so soon. And I still feel like if i could have it back, i would, though with the expectations that it entails to both sides.

It's hard to write because I don't want to say something that will sound bad against anyone. I still have so much love for everyone, especially him. On the other hand I have to write. That's who I am. I feel like I have lost so much of who I am in these last years, given it away to make room so that I could earn my place, that I have to keep some of it.

Really hard when in your heart you feel like you would have done anything for some one and still feel like you would do anything for them, but you also feel like the both of you are left with no real choice. At least without completely breaking everything you are and believe in. I have to keep reminding myself that they feel just as strongly as i do about these things on their side as I do. It's hard when both sides feel like they've given so much only to have what they gave be seen as unimportant to the other person and, in the end, not save it.

She seems happy though. Happy to be rid of me. He doesn't seem happy yet but he will be. I'll be just another crazy ex-girlfriend, but one who left him with an obligation, one he still has to deal with. I hope maybe some day he can be happy to be my friend and I his, maybe be able to have the great sex without things getting too muddled. He can be in the floozy box he should have been in all along. I hope that they can get back what they once had, long before me, long before a lot if things. Maybe she can be with one with two livein loves now and it can be even better.

I want so badly to be wanted and have someone else that worries about me. Not in a Negative way, but someone who cares enough to wonder about what I'm doing or to worry if I'm not somewhere on time. but I'm feeling like right now I'm someone that everyone wants to just get rid of. I know that seems backwards because i brought up leaving first. But that's what i always do when it feels like someone wants me out or it's at that impasse.  Because it's too hard for others to sat it, so I'll say it & do it. I don't know how this works for regular people .In the end, I know I need to make myself someone that I worry about. Maybe that I'll find someone who worries about me, who I won't feel that way about.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

I Feel Something So Wrong By Doing the Right Thing

I switched jobs. It was supposed to be the right choice but it hasn't turned out that way so far.

I was working 50-58 hour weeks, only one day off half the time. I was exhausted. I was a complete bitch. When I did get to hang out with the kids in the morning before work, I was falling asleep. He said I needed to find a new job months ago.

I found one. I didn't think I'd like it but it would get me experience closer to what I'd like in a different job. It was day-ish hours. It was only 40 hours a week. It paid less money. A lot less money. But I used to be able to get by on that kind of money. I had done some quick math that said I could get by on it. I asked them for their opinions. They were supportive of whatever I did and I should do what would make me the happiest.

I agonized for a really long time, going back and forth, especially since there was another position at the employer I was at that I had applied for which at the time said it would be less hours, though still 2nd shift hours, and more money. (Turned out that the hours probably weren't going to be any less so I didn't get the job when they finally did hire people, since I made clear that I didn't want to work 10 hour days.) What I really wanted was someone to have a real opinion as if it was there life too, as if it was also their happiness and financial well being that was attached to what job I took. You know, because to them it was OURS, not just mine. I wish someone had expressed their own opinions on how they thought they would feel when the childcare burden shifted or when I was home at a different time. I tried to ask and I felt blown off every time. It only mattered what would make me happy. But when you have kids and a family, it isn't always about that. Sometimes it's about setting yourself up best for the future. Sometimes it's about just sticking out shitty situations. It's about so many other things than that. And having a partner or partners were we could be completely transparent and honest about things from exact finances to how we felt about household burdens and everything else is what I want and what I don't know how to have.

And as things sit right now, I made the wrong choice. I don't like the job and very shortly I won't be able to completely make my bills. I'll be a little short every month, if I'm ONLY paying my bills. That doesn't count extravagances like flat tires and doctor's visits. I'm going to go back to looking for jobs, though I'm not sure how it will look that I'm looking again when I've only been with this company for a month. I've been lazy as well. I was going to use the time I now have after the kids go to bed to work on a novel or two. I have ideas for cheesy erotic bdsm novels that I could self-publish on amazon but I'm often really tired after cuddling mini-me to sleep and I often just want to hang out in the same room as the Professor and watch tv or read the internet. It's also been difficult to get down to writing. I can't find the headspace at work because they listen to crappy pop music all day long and I can't listen to my headphones and listen to podcasts or other audiobooks or my own music to let my ideas percolate through all that new knowledge and experience.

But I haven't even been blogging. I know it was a choice that I made but .... well, everything I wanted to say felt like airing dirty laundry. Some of it was stuff that I hadn't said to either partner yet, sometimes things I felt like I couldn't tell them. While it was my own decision though, it has made me feel so small and boxed in. I used to write often speciifically so others could read it, because I felt like I could explain things on the page much better than I could vocally. But the Professor stopped really reading what I wrote long ago. I was too wordy and he just wished I would get to the point. If he ever reads this, that's what he'll say too. There stopped being any point to writing for him to understand me better or better understand how I was feeling or how I thought about things. So then writing about us just became airing our dirty laundry. When you're in a relationship that you know others already criticize or in a group where people are going to blame anything that goes wrong on that ("well, of course it's not going right. you're poly/kinky/etc"), you can start to feel like you can't show the weaknesses there because it will get blamed on that. Or at least I do. I don't want to show my partners as bad people just vent about how things are, that things aren't perfect, figure out how I might fix them, just like anyone would in any relationship, gay or straight, kinky or vanilla, poly or mono. I've let the criticisms from both sides get in my head so much that I just shut down, pulled myself inwards.

But I'm done with that now. While I'll still try not to hurt people, I'll write what I want and when I want. When I know someone could do something to help a situation, I will tell them, even if I know they won't do it because I am just enough of a bitch that I want them to have to say that they don't want to help me or themselves enough to do that simple thing. I will take responsibility for when I'm acting like a bitch or when I start a fight or when I had a bit of an attitude, but I won't let other people blame me for every fight, for their attitude, for their bitchiness. I tried not saying things, sparing other people's feelings and make excuses whenever I could, but I'm done now. Especially because I'm done with others sparing my feelings. That always gets thrown back in my face, like I asked to be spared. I didn't. Others just didn't want to deal with me being emotional or upset, even if maybe I wouldn't have been or maybe that was what I needed because I didn't know I was doing that thing that upset/angered you. Maybe I should give you the same chance that I want. Though these seem to be my famous last words, I'm not sure it could feel any worse that what I"m already doing.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

So Far Away

I had just been thinking about you when I heard her stirring in the other room, waking from a bad dream.

I had been thinking about walking out onto the coblestone street at 2am (SO late to 12 yr/o me) in your little college town as rain started to drop onto the dusty street. We had been up all night painting your little apartment as well as the stairway up to it, part of whatever deal you made for a cut in deposit or rent. You were always doing things like that, trading work for reduced price.

Then i had thought about how far away everything with you feels now. That night was over 20 years ago. You've been gone five years? Has it been five years now? My life is so different than it was, than any life we'd have known. I wonder how you'd feel about it. I imagine trying to talk to you about it, like when i was 18 and you'd call me and drink, getting more honest with each beer. Maybe i could be honest with you too. I wonder if you could understand the things that mean so much to me now and help me sort through the things that confuse me so much, tie me up in knots. You taught me how to try to cut through those knots for other people. Maybe you could do it for me. Maybe i already know and just don't want to do it.

And then she cried in the other room. The little girl who bears your name. I could have let her dad, who graciously didn't argue when i wanted to name our child after my dead relative who he'd never met, get her. But i was right here and still awake. I wish i could ask your mom, my grandma, questions about kids and about how i was. I wish i could see you laugh about the ways she's like me and marvel at the ways she's not.

I miss you so much and wonder what you'd think about all this. Could you understand the man i love and how we love each other? The complicated relationship i have with my female partner and co-parent? How the knot of them and the children leave me paralyzed and ambivalent and bouncing back and forth all the time? I hope you could. I wish i could know if you could.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Killing Us

And there's the crux of it, again and again and again. We give to the other what we can, what we thought was best, what we thought would help them. We feel like we gave a great deal and suffered for it in the end. Then we find out that wasn't "enough." They wanted something different and felt unloved and unimportant when they didn't get it. All that we gave means nothing. But what they say would have made them feel loved or important are things we couldn't give at the time or maybe ever. They are things we don't have within ourselves. So we feel like we are told we didn't give enough when we gave all we could. All those fights last fall and I felt like she does now. She feels like I did then.

I'm so tired. I'm so sad. In my more rational moments, i am aware that it's not anyone's fault, or maybe it's both our faults. I don't think he can have what he wants. I think this is killing us. I know it's killing me. We need a different way. Maybe that's giving him back to her all the time. Maybe it's just complete avoidance of each other. Maybe....

He'll be mad. He wanted us to work on this together, work on this ourselves, but i think that's not really an option. We can't get past this cycle right now. Feeling like this I'm not sure how we can like each other, much less love each other. In the past year, she had to deal with what was possible not being what she had hoped for. I think he and I need to too.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Starved for Touch / My Stupid Mouth

(Written last week)
Today while at work I listen to a cracked podcast that was about how humans today, especially Americans, are starved for touch. I remember a conversation a few months ago where Ginger was talking about how she was feeling. I remember her specifically saying that she was starved for touch. I understood what she meant, and I have to admit that in the end I did nothing to help. Ginger and the Professor had been going through a weird time have been going through a weird time with their physical relationship. I guess with their whole relationship. I tried to help but I think that most of what I did made things worse. I did try hard to give them time alone, what time I could find. I will do the same once we find a better equilibrium with the kids. At the time she was telling me things that she had asked the Professor for in particular and that was one of them. Obviously her long-distance partner can't help with her being starved for touch at the moment since he is, well, long distance.

I was and am full of ambivalence about situations like these. When she vents to me and I see how sad and upset she is, my first instinct is to help her. I want to solve her problem. I wants to give her what she wants. Part of the problem is that she does not want it from me. I could do all of these things and it would still not solve the problem because it would not be from the right person.

With this instance in particular however there was and is currently another issue. I don't really know how I feel about her and I don't know how she feels about me. I have become increasingly stingy with my body. It used to be much easier for me to give it much more freely. But now in some weird way by giving it to the Professor, it makes it easier to then pick and choose who else gets it. It is not freely given. I cannot give it freely. That makes me think more about who I give it to. And I don't want to give it when I don't feel comfortable.

I remember when I was pregnant petting them. I can only think of one time that anyone ever rub my feet. Granted I was lucky. Even though I was on my feet at work all day, I did not have a lot of the swelling that many pregnant women face. I'm quite sure that I rubbed the Professor's feet more times than anyone rubbed mine. I remember petting Ginger while I was pregnant. I probably should have asked for touch, but I feel like that's not something that I can have. At the time all of that was dialed up to a ten, but no matter what I've always felt like I don't get the things that others might assume they would get from their partners, because I didn't come first and so I don't come first. Part of it is the role of chosen to take. And I have chosen to take it. I'm not acting like this is something that was done to me. It's been my choice, but I've always felt like the options that were both open to me in the relationship are ones where I gave more and talk less. Sometimes I have felt like it's twisting arms just to get what I get. I remember sometime in the last year talking to Ginger and telling her that there was a point near the end of my pregnancy where I realized I have not gotten anything in the relationship that I had not begged for. I didn't just mean things from the Professor, but I think that may have been lost on her at the time.

The fact that I chose not to ask for touch during my pregnancy does not mean she should not have gotten touched during her pregnancy. It also doesn't mean that was the reason I did not give her touch during her pregnancy. It was that I didn't know how to give her touch when I felt so closed off from her, when I felt like each of us had chosen to close ourselves off to the other one to protect ourselves. While, I do feel bad about the end result, I also feel stingy about what I give when I have so little to give, especially if I feel like I'm not going to get anything back. Get enough back. It isn't to say that I did not do things for her during her pregnancy. This was just one of the things that I could not get myself to do.

I know we can't live together how we have. Or maybe we can but it's not how I want to live. I took off time to take care of her and the new baby and the household after she gave birth, but I didn't get to do that to the extent that I wanted to when I planned it. I could do very little with the baby because I can't feed him and I did not want to risk waking him up since when he slept was the only time Ginger could get any sleep. I could take care of her and practical matters, but once our older child went to bed, I did not want to hangout with everyone. I have expressed to her how uncomfortable I've been and that I would like to work on changing that especially now that she's not pregnant and hopefully she is in a little more level place. But first I need to figure out what it is I want and what it will take for me to feel the way that I would like to. I know that it will be a negotiation, but I need to at least know where I'm starting from.

*********
(Written just before posting)
"My stupid mouth has got me in trouble. I said too much again..."

Finally a moment that felt good, that didn't feel like sand under my skin, and it's open mouth,  insert foot covered in shit from the big pile of crap I stepped in.

I was trying to tease and it pushed on a whole mess of sore spots and shitty life experiences we don't often talk about.  I hear much more about all the fun social life you had later, being way cooler and extroverted than i ever was and much less often about the social hell of your childhood. It sucks. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I carelessly poked it. I'm sorry that was your life. I thought my childhood sucked but it sucked in what seem now like tame stereotypical depressed bipolar kid from a broken home ways compared to the two of you. And I'm done trying to compete in the "my life sucked worse" olympics. Or the "my life currently sucks worse" olympics, for that matter. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it sucks. I was at a loss for what to do so I retreated rather than making it worse but there is no part of this that you need to apologize for, which may be how it has made you feel. You shouldn't apologize for your truth or your past or how you feel about it and I'm not asking for that.

Outside of what happened though, I'm tired. This situation and the fact that I cannot be home without being surrounded by it saps me of my patience, my energy, my goodwill, and my love. It is a scratchy wool suit that is 2 sizes too small and way too warm. It is never having privacy. It is always feeling watched and judged. It does not help a situation where I don't believe how you feel about me, know how I feel about you, what kind of relationship I would like us to have or if we can even have one, while trying to be friendly and cheerful and co-operative everyday. Some of it is just how life is right now and not anyone's fault. I'm hoping some of this will change soon but I'm tapped out until it does.

Monday, June 06, 2016

What i wish you understood

I never thought we'd be all you needed. I never thought you didn't need things elsewhere. I was not upset that you found these things in him. For the most part I was really happy and I tried to be quiet about how it hurt to know that I had wanted to have many of those things with you, had tried and failed. It wasn't your fault you didn't feel the same and you didn't owe it to me to do that.

I was upset that you weren't honest about where the relationship was when talking us. I was upset that the two of you had all these plans that moved him into our relationship and home without is having met him. I was upset that he was always present but you wouldn't try things to let is interact with him early on, like speakphone or sharing the text conversation. I was upset that you disappeared into him when i needed help, that I was more alone than I needed to be during my pregnancy and maternity leave because you refused to come back. I was upset that you told me things i didn't realize you weren't telling our partner, only to have him get mad at me. i am upset that i get punished for having any response except the exact one you want to everything but everyone also gets to get angry at me for having emotions and that is also considered ok. I am upset that "i dont particularly like him or want to hang out with him" has translated into "everything must be a secret", since I had tried to listen to you and be supportive of things and tried to recognize and verbalize and correct them when it was me having issues, especially since things being secret only add to my anxiety and detract from the reasons I had an open relationship to begin with.

I am disappointed for everyone's sake that because of personalities and how everything happened we do not particularly like each other in a way that would foster adding him to the family because I do see what he gives to you and I do want you to have that. And if it didn't mean leaving our child, soon to be children, I'd even leave, just see our partner when we had free time, so you could do that. Gods know he could keep your house as well as I. (Except for maybe the laundry, but you could teach him to do that.) I just can't find a way to keep our shared partner's family together without being here.

Disappearing

So i wrote what is below on talk to text on my way to work today. Then i read something she wrote. And i just can't anymore. So tired of being a problem. So tired of being caught in the middle of people who won't deal with each other or themselves, much less me. So tired of feeling like every emotion and word and action outside of robotic everyday is wrong. So tired of having to be self-sacrificing to feel like i deserve anything from people who are so incredibly selfish. So tired of doing so much only to keep being told that I'm a problem. So tired of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So tired of feeling like disappearing is what would make everyone's lives so much better. So tired of only being able to hold on because of my own selfish desire for what he gives me that i cant get anywhere else, that ability he has to know me in ways no one else does and to feed that. But tonight I'm alone and so fucking done with being what they want me to be.

******

I tried to open up a little. I've been holding back for so long, in the name of keeping the peace. Or maybe really in the name of protecting myself.

So i opened up just a little, I thought that sharing feelings that knew she had felt or maybe even did feel currently how I felt would be a way for us to find a way back in. But really shortly I saw that look on her face, that look that tells me she just can't wait for me to stop talking, can't wait for this conversation to be over.

And so I shut myself down again. I went upstairs and cried by myself as I got ready but you can't cry after you put your makeup on. You can't cry when you're at work. So I had to shut that off too.

I know she's working really hard on allowing herself to feel her emotions again, especially after my childhood and teenage years where she was told she didn't feel those things end an adult relationship in which her feelings were used against her. I realized that what I'm feeling is only a fraction of what she felt and any of those times.

I had hoped that when we'd transition from what i thought was someday going to be a romance into a friendship. Most of my bestfriends are exes. But it's hard to get over a breakup when you no one sees it that way. When you can't really tell people outside because of how it reflects on all of you and they don't acknowledge that it is a breakup, that it does hurt you, that it is something you can or should feel sad about.

Then again,  maybe she is treating me like a friend. How many of my friends have i distanced myself from when I needed to work on myself and/or focus on my life and my family? Almost all of them, at one point or another. Maybe it's just harder when you live with that person.

But I am starting to feel myself disappearing. So that they aren't angry with me, or at best cooly distant, when i have feelings or desires, I turn in on myself, pull back. I wonder if they feel it too. I wonder if one day they will look up and wonder where I went. They will wonder when it was exactly that I left. The answer will be little by little by little.

Then someone I hadn't seen in a long time came back to me today. That part of me that has all the good qualities. That part of me that is stronger and wiser. And as I said in the bottom of the tub and cried, she came to me, petted my hair caress my cheek and told me it was going to be ok. We had been here before. Many times. And we knew we could do this together.

In many of the poly forums recently I have seen people say that they consider themselves to be their own primary. While I can understand that I also felt that it denigrated any large especially entangled relationship they may have. But when she came to me today, I told myself that I was going to work on that again. Right now he is my primary. But I don't know how long that will last. I don't know if we'll be able to continue to be this close. And I know he will leave my life much sooner than I would wish. I have to work on reestablishing that relationship I had with that other me. I don't want to disappear on myself, even if they want me, the real me, to disappear from them.

Monday, May 09, 2016

When All Else Fails, Clean

What do you do when you feel like you can't do anything?

It's the beginning of my work week. My weekend was pretty exhausting, with little to build me back up. I'm tired and already sleep deprived one day in. I'm training in a new area at work which makes me anxious and frustrated. The baby won't nap and won't stop pulling my hair. All these things make it easy for the depression and hopelessness that are already right under the surface to take hold.

Then this morning she found out some not great health news with the pregnancy. Since it is not something I dealt with, I do not know how serious it will be for her. She is feeling overwhelmed and upset and a million other things that she probably doesn't even know. I tried to validate her, and then, when it seemed like what she wanted was some help not being overwhelmed, I tried to be reasonable about it. But it did not work. Whenever we get to something like this, I do not know how to help her. If we were in person, there are many things I could do to help her. But like this everything I do just seems to make her more upset or wants to isolate herself more. I am grateful that she tells me things, but I do not know what to do. When you add it on top of everything else I am already feeling, I just feel so sad and hopeless and frustrated.

I took a few minutes to have my own little pity party, and then I did something anything at all. First I took my own advice and texted my therapist so at least she knew what was going on. Before I ever even heard back from her though, I started doing the only thing I could do or could think to do to help. I guess that tonight she will want his help, so I tried to take his money and part of it away as I could. Resolved not to latest on him, and then I started cleaning. Everyone in my life kind of thinks I'm crazy but sometimes that is all I know to do. To create a clean space for everyone. To take some impediments out of the way. So I cleaned the bottles and washed the dishes. I vacuumed the floor so they could set the fence out for the baby to crawl around in. I took the trash out. I gave the baby a bath. If I had had more time I would have finished all the laundry. I offered to take the baby with me when I went to my doctor's appointment today so that he could get a little bit of a break.

I feel a little better. I feel like I did something useful, like I am useful. I wish I knew how to help more. Maybe someday I will. Maybe this will be enough.

Tuesday, May 03, 2016

Only Time I Don't Like Being The Holder of the Secets

I can feel myself becoming a much different person than who I was when this started. I can feel myself becoming someone I don't exactly want to be.

I don't like secrets. I came into non-monogamy because I didn't want to feel like I had to keep secrets or that anyone else had to keep secrets. I didn't want to feel like I had to lie, and I didn't want my partners to have a reason to lie to me. Maybe that's why I feel so strange to be stuck in this situation. Let me preface this by saying that I don't have a good distinction in my head between privacy and secrecy. While I was never much of a liar, or at least not any good at it, when I started trying to get better I realized that the things I held back or the things I lied about where a part of my illness. We are only as sick as our secrets, as they say in AA. That was exactly where I was. I realize that the only reason I didn't want to tell someone something was because I felt ashamed, and the only reason I felt ashamed was because I was doing something wrong.

But now I am with people who have a different version of privacy. I am also in a situation where it feels like we can't talk openly about anything without fighting. We are really trying to keep a calm household for a while so that we can all heal, but that means that we mostly can't talk about anything. What I want to talk about something or ask about something, lately the question I ask myself is will this cause a fight or with the Professor be upset if I brought this up with him or Ginger. If I don't get the right answer than I don't bring it up. But I know a few things that I'm not allowed to say to one or the other, and I feel like the same is probably true for them. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like the household is just surrounded in secrecy so that we can survive each other. 

"But maybe she's different when it is just you and her."

Sometimes I don't even know that I'm saying something secret. For the longest time, I would say things that I assumed the other knew, particularly that I thought Ginger had told the Professor, only for him to get mad at me. I was stirring the pot. I was causing trouble. 

I can't say how I feel either. The trouble is that I'm worse at hiding when something is wrong. 

Before the break, she had told me that she dreaded coming home when I'd be there. That was a big part of why I left, in fact. Not that she told me, but that she should feel that way. Now it is me who dreads. I am starting to not want anyone to tell me their truths, which is what I would like in the relationship, because they won't tell the other person and being the one holding the secrets from the other has made me a person that I don't like. They'd never tell me I couldn't tell the other something, but I know that my saying them would cause trouble doubly, first in the thing and then in that I told it, not the person they should have heard it from. 

I don't like who I'm becoming.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Of Daddy Doms

This last week or so I've had these pictures in my head, these little clips of life. The kind but stern Daddy Dom, who spoils but is not above disciplining when need be. He knows when to be strict, but he also knows when to let things slide. Maybe he doesn't revel in a sadistic side, but is a Service Top for those with a masochistic side. Someone who rules the kitchen, making food for everyone who enter his house the way that a Jewish grandmother does. Someone who knows when to push you to do better but who also knows went to make you slow down. He is the head of the household and the ultimate decision-maker, though he is always striving to make the best possible decisions for everyone in the household.

I have a hard day and I'm just exhausted when I come home. It isn't like he doesn't have a hard day at work either, but he's found a way to balance having me take care of him with taking care of me as well. When I get home he makes me my favorite meal. He tells me to let the dishes wait. Maybe he'll even do them this one night, give me a little break from one of my regular chores. He sets my sitting /kneeling pillow down next to the couch, so I can sit at his feet, but he also puts my favorite blankets down there, so I can cuddle up and be warm. He has me dress up in something that I find sexy, because he knows that looking sexy makes me feel good. If I was some other girl in this situation, he would have me put on my flannel pajama pants and a tank top, because that would be what would make her feel good.

We have sex how I would like it. He would take me roughly and fuck me thoroughly. Then I pet him until he fell asleep. He is not bothered by my snoring. He thinks it is funny and cute. He sleeps with me all through the night. But maybe I can't get to sleep that night. Something at work is bothering me, or something in my family life, or maybe I just have a touch of insomnia at that point. I get up to wander the house for a bit, maybe watch a little more TV or read a book in the living room. Maybe my crazy is bothering me. As I sit alone in the living room all of my fears and doubts and insecurities start to play upon me. But I know that I can crawl into bed, wake him up, and ask him to comfort me. Even if I have done this a million times to him, even if he needs to get up early in the morning, he will still comfort me, hear my fears, and talk me down.

When I first met the Professor and Ginger I had not really heard of Daddy Dom and babygirl relationships. I didn't really understand it either. I knew about Dom/sub relationships and I knew a little about Master/slave relationships. But this was something a little bit new. I think that in my mind I associated it with the adult age play, the people who like to completely revert to infants, complete with diapers. And some do. But there were all these things I didn't quite understand.

I had come from a time in my life where I was in control of how my life went, but my life itself was not in control. I had a lot of laziness, a lot of depression, a lot of not engaging in my own life because I was too much in my head. For me, when I submitted, I was forced to get out of my head and to act, to do what the other person wanted me to do to please them. That is what I wanted. But I could understand intellectually how comforting it would be for someone to be in the babygirl side of the relationship, especially someone who worked as hard as Ginger did. I could also understand it from a point of how she grew up, wanting to be able to be young and play again, to enter a time before anything sucked or was crazy. The spring before I became pregnant I even talked to a more Daddy Dom type, though that was more for the 'holding me accountable' side of things than the 'pamper me' side. Maybe this has sprung up more because he is the latest in a string of exes and people I'd tried to date who have popped up in the last few months.

The last couple of days I have just been exhausted. We are all spread so thin both physically and emotionally. It is difficult to even do anything that doesn't have to be done immediately, much less do things that aren't absolutely essential. This is not any one person, this is all of us. Since the baby has been born especially, I have felt like I am always taking care of something. It is not that the other people don't do things, just that I do so much more even than I used to. I am spending so much time taking care of so much and trying to find time for others to take care of themselves, with varying degrees of success. I never or hardly ever find or make time to take care of myself. My self care has been completely lost in the shuffle. So Monday night and Tuesday night when I wanted to cry because I was so exhausted and I just wanted someone to take care of me and comfort me, all of these images of being subsumed in a Daddy Dom /babygirl relationship became very enticing.

Then last night as I was sitting there in my bra and jeans, as I am supposed to do when it is just the Professor and I, he turned to me and smiles, saying, "I love that you're such a hardcore chick but you also like cute things, like pink coats and pink bras with black polka dots on them." Even if I had not realized before that moment, it would have cemented it for me, that as enticing as that fantasy may be, if given a day to play I would still rather pick my sadistic Dom, who sometimes will make me eggs in a basket, over a full-time Daddy Dom who isn't him. I'd still rather him slap my ass or my mouth when I'm smart than to get a stern look and a warning. I appreciate the times he takes care of me, like when he make sure to set aside food for me from dinner and reminds me to eat when I get home from work, or like today where he sacrificed his sleep to let me sleep in. But I chose my collar and I spent months, maybe a full two years actually, working to get to where I earned this collar, and where he earned the slave girl I had become. I'd rather be his hardcore, masochistic, 'run the household for my Master' little slave girl every day. 

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Emotions =/= Weakness

I refuse to accept that being emotional necessarily means I am weak and can't handle things.

I am working hard not to expect people to have the same emotions as I do or the same intensity of emotions as I do, nor to judge them for it. Not having the same emotions, the same amount of emotions,  the same intensity of emotions does not make them weak. They are just different. I may feel that difference is too much to be able to have certain kinds of relationships with them. I may love TyRoy on many levels and we have a wide and deep friendship but that difference is too great for a romance. I might choose to not have someone in my life who I had less in common with and less of a history with, not because they are bad or weak or how they experience emotion and react to it is bad or weak. Just an amount of difference I am not willing to work to bridge right now, which might be best for all involved.

But I also refuse to believe that having lots of emotions and intense emotions makes me weak. Yes, i would like to not be as emotionally reactive and I keep working on that. But i am still doing better than I was. My worst day recently is still better than my mid-grade days ten  or fifteen years ago. Even after my worst nights, i still sleep, still get up, still go to work, still take care of my kid. Most of the time, I still take care of my house, still wash dishes and pick up.

Some of this may always be here because it is my personality at this point. I will always probably just feel more intensely and be more emotionally reactive than other people in my life. On the other hand, they will always feel less intensely and be less emotionally reactive than I may like. Neither side is necessarily weaker or worse for those things.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Wanting What He Wants

We are at a stalemate.

Our needs are incompatible and non-negotiable.

I want security and she wants freedom.

I want joint decisions and she doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do.

I want honest discussions where I can have reactions and she needs to know how what she says will b taken before she says it.

I want my house to be my safe harbor, where I can exclude the world, and she wants it to be a place where she can share her world and have those people welcomed unconditionally.

Her crazy is driving me crazy and mine is driving her crazy.

"No one has asked what I want!" he yelled at me in my bedroom. And he was right.

The next weekend: "You're going to leave. Even if you didn't, we couldn't live on our own together because we'd kill each other. So you're going to leave. Then she's going to move him in and I won't last with them, so I'll leave. So just shut up and let me pretend like nothing is wrong so I can enjoy my family being together while I can."

I didn't think my heart could break more but it did.

Later, I knelt by his chair, with tears in my eyes. "I don't want you to not have your family. So I'll just try to do what you want. What you decide, I will try my best to live with."

I'm trying.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Night swimming

Crying, listening to REM's Nightswimming over and over,  thinking of my uncle. So much emotion, so many feelings,  so many memories. Realizing how much of what i mourn is the life i thought I'd have, the life that was like his, the life I'd already blown past having long before he died, the life I'd realized by then he didn't even like all that much.
I realize this is something you could probably understand more than him. Your loss was of someone like that. While his loss was a loved one, probably one of the few people he felt loved him without conditions,  and there is regret there, the person he lost was much older, someone who'd lived a long life,  someone he knew would pass long before him. Our losses were lives cut short and people who very much shaped who we wanted to be, the lives we thought we'd live.
But there is this huge gap i can't find my way across. The gap between you saying you are having a hard time with emotions and allowing me to see it. The gap between that and me wearing my heart on my sleeve. The gap between how holding your emotions back unless you know they'll be met with the reaction you want makes you feel secure and how being able to express them and hash it out, come argument or empathy, makes me feel secure. The gap between how I want to know when and how you aren't fine when you don't want others to know and how I want you to know but you don't. The gap between how you resent that people assume you are fine because you seem fine and how I resent having to pretend I'm fine because no one can deal with me not being fine.
We both want to find ways to make this work and have everyone as happy as possible. I think that despite what we might reactively negatively feel about the other, reasonably we realize the other does want this too. But we are aliens to each other. 

Monday, March 14, 2016

Falling off the pedestal

One of the wonderful things that happen for most borderlines re:relationships are cycles of elevation and devaluation. Basically, just like your emotions are always dialed up higher than most people's and your thoughts are very black or white,  how you feel about a person is at one extreme or another. This is especially true in romantic and/or very close relationships. When you first get together you put them on a pedestal and they are the best thing since sliced bread. Then at some point they become the most horrible person ever.

As this can be especially problematic in power exchange relationships, I really tried to guard against this with the Professor. Between the things that Ginger would warn me about and the fact that he didn't work very hard to hide his flaws, i had early and ample evidence of why he shouldn't be on any pedestal, no matter how hard I fell for him or how much I became devoted to him.

I didn't do the same thing with Ginger, however.  Sure, i saw flaws and idiosyncrasies. I saw ways we were different. But at the time many of those things were features, not bugs. But i thought she was amazing for being able to have put her shit back together by herself and that in the past she was able to keep employment while deep in her crazy. She provided for both of them on a regular basis. She was able to work really hard. I felt like she was so far ahead of me in her mental health journey. She was able to handle all sorts of situations in a calm and seemingly compassionate manner. I admired her ability to accept and trust people and to have faith that things would turn out well even when she didn't know how yet, both things i have a hard time doing. I hoped that someday I'd be as far along as she was.

Many of the issues we're facing right now are ones i couldn't have forseen until we were in them and they just didn't present themselves until now. In many ways, they are the flip side of many of those coins. She is able to handle things calmly because she isn't as aware of her feelings in the moment and thus doesn't have to deal with them. Because she can trust the way she does, she feels untrusted and unloved when I ask for the security and reassurances that I want because trust doesn't work that way for me. She tries to bring people you love in to the fold automatically,  before evaluating whether or not she likes them or wants to have contact with them and expects others to do the same. She ran many households with her authority and the money she made and hasn't had to compromise as much, or lived with people who didn't have different needs or wants or expectations, so it's now a much bigger deal when we hit an issue where we are diametrically opposed to what the other wants.

With all the things that happened this weekend, the Professor has said several times that he doesn't know why any of this bothers me if she and i aren't even together romantically. I think maybe the things bother me more because we aren't. Usually with exes, I take a period of time where I have little contact, where I can reorient to the new reality, and then it is often still difficult to meet their new significant others. I've had little of that and it hurts to be around, especially when this relationship in particular has made me feel like a tool and a prop, not like a person. Because it isn't as if I don't want to be with her like that. But I want someone who enthusiastically wants to be with me in those ways, who is receptive when I try to be romantic or sexual, and that's never been her and I's situation. All the ways I felt like I tried feel like they never mattered because I met her when her only real female ex died and I didn't live up to it, because I got knocked up at the wrong time so she retreated, because he can be dominant and he has a penis, because she can be romantic in public with him, because my crazy is hard to deal with in person 24:7 and she doesn't have to deal with his like that. And i realize that I'm not owed anything for anything I did or tried to do and I'm sure that there are other reasons as well, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. I think if i felt like we had a strong loving relationship, it might not bother me as much because I wouldn't feel like a loss. Maybe I've been spoiled because I didn't have to learn to divide my time with a new person until now since I came into an established couple, so that divide always existed. But she disappeared when I had the baby. I just didn't notice because I was disappearing into the baby so it was too late when I saw it and she was gone. She's made more efforts to be here, especially in recent months but it has still been a loss, the grieving process of which is all the more complicated bybthe fact that we are still partners, are still living together, are still interacting on a daily basis.

But even as I'm stuck in all the negative things I feel, I am still sometimes hit by the ways she is amazing. I was listening to a podcast last night about Dorothy Parker and the Hollywood blacklist. It talked about how Parker's life and writing in the 1920s and 1930s really pushed how women were starting to be able to live on their own,  not have to follow a traditional marriage/motherhood path, could drink and work and have relationships like men, could navigate all of those complications on their own terms  and in their own ways. It made me think about how much of this issues in recent months between us has been about how much she wants to live her life on her own terms without answering to anyone while I want more security and more open discussion and open combined decision-making at an earlier point, especially when we're supposed to be running a household together and raising a family together. I am constantly amazed at how she's been able to live her life, taking chances and doing things that I never did, but that doesn't mean I have to feel like that works with what we're trying to do or with the wants of her partners.

Don't get me wrong here. I do not see her as an evil monster, even if I don't agree with things. Also, i realize that I do not deal with things in the best way either. Being more in touch with my emotions also means they are right there and can overtake me and the situation at a moments notice. I want more answers and more framework and feel very insecure without it. While I try to make it easier for people to go if they've changed their minds about being with me, I'm also constantly questioning whether they do which leaves them feeling like they can never prove it enough. Because I'm always looking for something new to keep me interested in life, even when it's in a positive way, it feels like I always have an issue, like I can't just sit back and relax. Because I want to solve problems to move on, it also means I can't just let something be for awhile and I escalate things. Yeah, I could go on all day with how much bullshit I do which has made this situation the clusterfuck it became this weekend. I am more than willing to take on a good bit of blame. I also realize that we are both right and both wrong and just stuck in a place that doesn't feel like it has a satisfactory solution.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Epic Fail

I tried hard. I really did. And it went well. Then something that felt hurtful to me made me lose my shit and blew the whole night up.

Master hadn't even been paying attention. He thought the night was going well enough that he didn't need to pay attention, could zone out himself for a little bit, put some headphones on. We were in the middle of yelling at each other before he realized anything had happened.

Later, I told him that I was tired of everything always being my fault. He had not seemed to have any issues with the situation. If I wasn't around, they could be happy, even in a new arrangement. They were happy before they had to put up with all my crazy. It was me who was the problem.

I tried to go to bed. Tried to read a book. Tried to fall asleep. Finally he came to me. "Don't think I'm not mad at you. What you did reflected poorly on me. You made me look like I don't have control of you. You made me look like a bad Master, like a bad Dom. You were supposed to be a good hostess. And you had been doing such a good job. You waited until my headphones were on and my back was turned and then you blew shit up."

Through tears I apologized and tried to explain about how shitty and hurtful it had felt. "You made it personal when it wasn't. You feel hurt. You feel like it is all your fault. You feel all these things. That's the problem."

"But it doesn't mean I'm not right about some things," I countered.

"Yes, many times you are right about actual things. You have such a great brain and I count on that. But then you let all these feelings, which aren't true, blow shit up. It makes it impossible to bring up valid concerns when you've made everything so big."

He was right. I'd actually realized something similar earlier in the night. I had realized that it wasn't necessarily that there were no problems before or without me. It was that my inability to control my emotions made me the problem instead of any valid or justified issue that existed. It made me & my (over)reaction the problem, not the actual problem.

Somehow without even realizing it, he'd also pointed out how I was falling into one of the bigger traps of my own mental illness. My therapy, which I haven't been making use of nearly as much as I should lately, points out how BPD people tend to get stuck in extremes, either completely in emotional mind (usually this one) or rational mind. One of the most basic skills is using the other mindset to pull you back to the center. He framed it in terms of my feelings versus my brain but it was the same true-ism.

"Next time, you need to think about how it reflects on me before you do something." We both know it's a trick, just one we hope works. He's a somewhat reluctant Master to begin with. I'm not entirely sure he buys into this concept of my actions reflecting on him, or if he thinks the others feel that way. He just crafted the best way to cut me right down to my subby brain to motivate me. What he also knows is that it might give me enough breathing space and incentive next time to make a better choice, for him if not for myself.