Friday, November 24, 2017

Difficulty Sharing


Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life
How about love?

When i had dinner with TyRoy and his wife recently, his wife said that she thought a people should be together through all four seasons before they get married, especially getting to experience all the holidays together, seeing how each person and their family handles them, as she talked about her daighter making wedding plans with a newish boyfriend. Despite how much I like rushing into marriage, I don't disagree.

I don't feel like my family has a ton of set in stone traditions. Those are mostly trying not to fight and having way WAY more to do than I actually have time to do so I'm super stressed out. Oh, and a ton of crying. The last two years, we had the new holiday tradition of me forcing a tight schedule so we can visit everyone's family while my then partners were annoyed and frustrated with me for it. This year Im starting a new tradition where I try really hard to be happy for my exes and my kids to do holiday stuff without me while attempting not to die inside or start fights with my exes or my current partner about the exes, whether accidentally or on purpose. Pretty proud of myself for doing well on that so far. But none of those are really traditions a new partner wants to hear or fold into their own. 

I actually feel like any "traditions" I have are just the things I like to do or have. Just a tiny bit of snow on the ground, please please please? Eggnog. The Muppets and John Denver Christmas album. Alt rock and weird Christmas music, especially "the heartache can wait," "merry christmas from the family," "winter song," "good day for a new year," "I'll be hating you for christmas." Saturday Night Live Christmas episode. The Grinch. Movies that happen at Christmas but aren't about Christmas like Die Hard, Gremlins, Rare Exports, Black Christmas. 

Rent is one of those movies / CDs as well. I came to it very late. It had played at the theater for travelling Broadway shows that I'd worked at but it hadn't really gotten to me. Then, a chick I was on a date with played the album for me and from the beginning harmonies of Seasons of Love I was hooked. The date was in the fall so listening to it going into the holiday season that year just felt right. I had a copy of the first disk in my cd alarm clock and I woke up to Seasons of Love everyday. It was great. Then the movie came out just a few years before I started losing members of my family. If I remember correctly, I went to see it with my mom, my uncle, and his boyfriend, maybe my ex (or was he still my bf then?) Moneypenny and maybe my uncle's ex-wife, over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. It was awesome. I Ioved it. I cried so much but it has a heartwarming, if stupid, ending so it is mostly all good in the end. 

My favorite song might be "I'll Cover You," both versions of it. I listened to the duet version on the way to work this morning. I was a fan of Jesse L Martin from his days on Law and Order before I realized he was Tom Collins in Rent or the Negro League's baseball player on The X-Files who can't play in the Majors or someone might realize he's really an alien. The love story between Tom and Angel is the sweetest love story in the show, and the one least complicated by the characters being selfish assholes. The duet of the song is fun and sweet, making Tom's version at her funeral all the more gut-wrenching. 

Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back
With one thousand kisses
Be my lover
And I'll cover you

Not to embarass him, but for all the romantic gestures he's awesome at, the Emperor is not one to be able to remember lyrics or connect songs to just the right moments, so my dreams of doing that duet with the genders reversed are out the window (which is ok because he is amazing at so much other stuff he doesn't need any more) but I was thinking about singing it to him. 
Open your door
I'll be your tenant
Don't got much baggage
To lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there
And I'll cover you
Which made me think about sharing it with him. I know Rent is one of the few musicals he hasn't seen, though I'm not sure why.  (Maybe I should ask why before I try to make him watch it.) While I love it, I also know that it is maybe not as awesome as those who love it feel it is and it is kinda a downer, which I'm already accused of liking too many dark and/or downer things, so maybe just make him listen to the good, upbeat songs? I don't know. 

This is the hard part about sharing so many of the things I love. So many are dark and/or difficult that if the person doesn't already love it, it can be very difficult to talk someone into checking it out with you. Also, I'm usually trying to watch things on multiple levels and it's hard to find people who watch it like that. Or I'm a bit intimidated by the people who do becasue I'm an amateur at many of these things, with a horrible memory, and the only people who look at things on those levels are more at the professional level, with good memories, so I'm just a poser compared to them and I worry they aren't interested in talking to me anyway. It didn't used to be as much of a problem though because it just meant that my "me time" was spent exploring these interests and sometimes it would open up interesting conversations to have with my partners later. But now I feel like I should be sharing these things, like he'd like to be let into my world more, and I just don't know how to do that. 
I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you are my love
On life
All my life
I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is

Thursday, October 26, 2017

My Silence

I just couldn't sit there anymore. It was worse than being new. Being new and speaking means just overcoming shyness after you've taken the temperature of the room and the conversation. No this was that I couldn't find a single helpful thing to say - not helpful for them and not leading to a helpful thing for myself. And I couldn't even share my eperience. Then, I got called out on my silence. Fuck. I'm sure it did stand out, in a group that is used to me offering my opinions and experience more than most. No, I just couldn't be there anymore. I used the first excuse I could and I left the room. We had talked about leaving early to swing by our usual Wednesday night haunt anyway. I didn't want to make a scene, interrupt or even to be seen as eavesdropping, so I walked by, knowing that he'd come to find me when I didn't come back through and then we could leave. Thankfully, I was right and we did.  But I cried and had a hard time explaining why. 

So I'm not great at adulting. I can manage most things ok right now but... this new world of couple-dom often throws me for a loop. One would think it would be easy. Most of our media portrays straight couples, people in serial monogamous relationships. That is what we are surrounded by. But I was raised differently and have lived differently. The fictional portrayals of the most comedic and dramatic moments of often seriously flawed characters who rarely get anything right hasn't really helped me much lately. I have spent the last decade in open relationships where I largely lived a life of separate friends and relatives. I never shared a larger group of friends, much less a larger community with my romantic partners. And actually my parents also didn't have a larger group of friends or a larger community like that. I rarely had to worry about how what I might do or say, particularly what I might say about my partner, would reflect back on them or us as a couple. Yes, of course, I have become increasingly aware over my relationships that what I vent about during a fight or during a difficult time to a friend or relative might be damage their view of my partner in ways that I later need to repair to ensure that everyone continues to get along, but I also know that my friends and relatives have always been good about treating my partners well while I was with them and not bad-mouthing them to me based on things I had vented about in anger. What I haven't had to worry about was shared friends or the larger community that we belonged to. I never even dated people in my own high school when I was in high school. And I've never dealt with that while within a Master/slave relationship. 

Now, The Emperor is from a different generation, grew up in slightly more polite and refined society and family, and has spent his whole life in couples and couple-oriented social groups. Even if they weren't always monogamous, the rules were not those of the poly world or the more casual dating world. They were still very much those of the coupled world, including that what you did very much affected and reflected on your (primary) partner. He often assumes that because I am smart and can be very intuitive, I should be able to easily figure this out. But often I can't even start because I have very little idea that a thing could be a problem. And of course all this is magnified by the M/s dynamic. If my poor behavior would reflect badly on him normally then it is doubly so when he is my Master and should be in charge of me. 

But...we are also just people and we are still new to this. We are still new to each other. We are still new to having an M/s dynamic together. I am still often having mental health issues. We are also very passionate people and... well, we've never really been able to use the 24 hour rule or calmly bringing up that there is an issue and we should have time outside of our dynamic to discuss a matter as equals because it usually comes to a head before that. Maybe I'm not as good at being a slave as I should be. While I want our dynamic to be 24/7, I'm probably not as good at sticking to that as I should be, as respectful as I should be. And he's never going to be one of those super serious Masters who demands I always be super serious and respectful. He likes to joke and laugh and have witty banter. All these things taken together means that the topic "how do you deal with something being wrong in the relationship? How do you discuss that with the other side of the slash?" used to jump start the break out session might have been really useful for me. But all I could think about was how this might make him look bad. Not only were there people in the room who we are acquainted with socially, but also a friend and former play partner of his, a very nice quirky woman who, strange to me but completely normal for the community, is now dating someone I went on a few dates with. Previously, when I'd gone to the local group for submissives, we met in the leader's garage and no one knew my partners then, or even knew people who knew my partners. I felt safe discussing my issues in the relationship and in balancing the D/s then M/s and the poly with the rest of our lives. I did try to balance out what I was saying with positives in the relationship and in my partners, but I still didn't worry the way I do now. 

I often fall victim to black and white thinking. If a thing is wrong in this situation, then it is wrong in all situations. Or I at least can't differentiate between when it is wrong and when it is ok. It feels very confusing for me. The Emperor tends to refer to this as "fly in amber moments." Sometimes, if something I've done has gone wrong or caused problems but I didn't fully understand why, I would just prefer to not do that at all than risk repeating those results. I don't really understand where the line is and I don't trust that something I might say wouldn't hurt his or our reputations or get back to him in some way and hurt him. So I felt like I couldn't say anything. Which was horribly uncomfortable and sad for me. So I left. 

I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't really know how to do this. Sometimes I don't feel like there are any right answers. 

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Take my leaving slow

I leave as slow as I possibly can. Hoping my phone chimes. Clean the cat litter so they've done even if I'm not there. I figured you taking the two hours wash your shirts a little too much. I keep waiting for one of us to change our minds. I think that Ani DiFranco song that is he hopes it maybe someone kicking someone else and as well because it it's everything out of the way other people's love for each other. I make multiple trips when I could make one. Check text message in the car. But in the end I drive away. I posted somewhere so you can know it was hard to leave. But after so many times and being told I finally listened. I hope I'm hosting this privately enough that you won't feel shamed or called out but publicly enough that you can see it if you ever want to.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Meaningless

Watching a video on how to replace the headlight bulb on the car while being suicidal. I mean, who the fuck cares, right? Who cares if that damn lightbulb gets changed? I don't even care if i see tomorrow. Who cares about a lightbulb?

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Of Shields and Extremes

The last 24 hours or so have been very intense and complicated. I feel compelled to write but I don't know how or what to say. I worry that whatever I write will be taken wrong, taken as a slight or a judgment, or that I want something to change. I don't want any of that. I just want to be honest about my truth and have people read it. This may be a bit jumbled and is a bit long, so please bear with me. 

Last night was the monthly meeting of the M/s group, a thing that is my thing, that caters to how I best like to interact in larger groups and that I've been so happy to have The Emperor [yes, that is the pseudonym I've landed on] come with me to, so proud to be able to show off my Master and companion to the closest thing I have to my own group of people in the bdsm community. When we came home, we had amazing, painful, kinky, sub-space inducing, tear-inducing sex and bedded down to finish the first tv show we had started together, Sense8, while touching and kissing and talking. He said I was perfect for him, among a host of other complimentary things. I think between those three things, going to the meeting together, the sex, and the talking, the boundaries I usually have were completely down. We've had this happen before. One night, at the end of a particularly difficult week, once we got a night together, with time to play, we ended up doing less impact play than had been planned and more up close and personal pressure points work along with some breath play while sitting on the loveseat, our bodies pressed against each other. Soon, all the walls were down, the walls that I had that were not only keeping out the rest of the world and all my pain and grief and sadness but were also keeping him out. 

I spend so much time behind those walls. As I thought about them today, I couldn't help but think of the way shields are talked about in the Anita Blake books. For those who don't read them, it's a series of contemporary supernatural fiction, if vampires and shapeshifters and all kinds of other paranormal and psychic creatures/people lived semi-openly in this society, set mostly in my birth city, with a badass zombie-raising, rogue-vampire-executing curly-haired woman who over the series becomes part of triumvirates of power with other shapeshifters and vampires and feeds off sex as the main character. She uses psychic shields to protect herself from being overwhelmed by other people's powers or emotions. In the middle books of the series, while she is still trying to adjust to the first triumvirate, which is with two men she very much loves but who she struggles to choose between, she shields herself from them, which protects her emotions as she adjusts, but also makes them weaker as a force. Without access to the books, I was trying to look online to find the exact quotes, but I couldn't find any that exactly encompassed what I was looking for. I did find it telling that in one book when trying to describe shields she says that they can be made of any substance in your mind, fire, water, metal, stone, as long as it surrounds you in your mind and makes sense, so that no two will actually be alike. In the books, she envisions hers as a stone wall or a tower. I think that is very telling. Unlike water, which would let more things past but could also envelop things you didn't want in droplets of water, or fire, that would burn up anything that got past it, she envisions a stone wall or tower, like a medieval castle. 

The Emperor and I are just starting to read a book about how to deal with someone you love having borderline personality disorder. Something that I read yesterday has got me thinking. The author writes about how many borderlines by their 20s or 30s start to under-feel more often than over-feel, because what they've learned is that their emotions get them into trouble, are bad or wrong, are not what people around them want, so they find ways to not feel them, which can even be disassociating, though often all that emotion will come back with a vengeance when they can't push it away or disassociate from it. A cause of some friction in the relationship has been that I tend to withdraw from him when I start to get overwhelmed by emotion. I felt like this was a coping mechanism that I have been using for awhile to get some distance from my emotions, since I am usually aware that they aren't justified and I don't want to act on the emotion without thinking, to have things come out of my mouth that aren't true or fair. But now I wonder how much of that is disassociating from all emotion, how much that makes it all the more overwhelming when I have emotions that I can't withdraw from because everything has built up, and how much this is me putting up completely impenetrable shields. 

There is an exchange from the television show Bones that has stuck with me for years though I've only now been able to find the exact quote. The main characters are talking about getting together as a romantic couple sometime in the future. Bones, ever the scientist, says,"You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right?... Well, a substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong. ... When you and I met. I was an impervious substance. Now I'm a strong substance.... A time could come when you aren't angry any more and I'm strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviosness. Maybe then we could try to be together." I have always liked that idea, the strength it takes to allow yourself to be open. But I feel like all these years have taught me that I don't have the strength for that, that I only have the strength to hold my shields, not the strength to allow some things in but keep others out. I am always all or nothing. Open or closed. But being open to let others in is also open to letting me out and I feel like no one wants me to be let out and I'm not always sure that I've very smart about who I let in, or able to deal with the inevitable hurt that comes with that, even unintentional hurt. 

Letting those shields down with him is amazing. I can feel how perfectly we do fit. I can feel how safe I am with him, safe to express my deepest and darkest sexual and kink fantasies without fear of reproach, safe to enact those fantasies that are possible. I can fully feel how we can be the blank canvas that we each paint our desires on. I can feel vulnerable and small and cared for, as well as hurt and desired and pushed. 

But I don't know how to get them back up and being that open and vulnerable out in the world where I still walk so much of it alone is excruciating and tiring. It is probably more difficult to get those shields back down again, because I don't yet have a grasp on exactly how to get them down. They are so automatic that I don't feel them being there. I only feel when they are gone. But I don't know how to get them back up. And I don't know how to make them something that doesn't cut me off from everything, from my emotions and from my closeness to my love, while they protect me from the outside world and from the emotions overwhelming me. 

I'm also fighting with how extreme my desires can be. Even though they scare me, even when I feel like they are wrong or crazy or don't make sense, I am all or nothing, jump a cannonball into the pool instead of sticking a toe in, black or white, push it to the limit kind of a girl. No, I may not be as much of a masochist as others, may not be able to stand as much as others, but when I like something, I will want to push it to its extreme. When you're talking about the kink or the roleplaying or violence, that can be fucking scary sometimes. The things I want in my head can scare me sometimes. Not "oh, I'm embarrassed to tell someone this" kind of scared either. But the "this can get out of hand really quickly and borders on so much abusive and terrible territory, but it is such a turn on and makes me feel wanted and desired in a way that less than this doesn't" way. I don't write this because I want my sex or kink life to change, but in way of explanation, both in what I want and why I want it as well as in why it is scary and why I can feel so overwhelmed by it at times, that sometimes the carefully interwoven fantasy of fear and desire can be so easily unraveled, can so easily unravel me, when the enacting of it pulls just a little at the delicate fabric. This isn't to say stop, but to explain why sometimes suddenly can't breath and am about to cry or want to curl up in a ball or have to take a few steps back to walk it off when you thought you gave me what I wanted, when you just said a few words. Because anything you find worth doing, you find to be worth overdoing. Because you finally trust that you can tell someone your deepest and darkest, or close to, and she'll treasure you all the more for it. Because I want to take what you want to give, what you've wanted for so long to give, but where afraid would scare a girl off. But it isn't you that I fear. It is me. It is that I am not afraid that scares me. It is my own desires that scare me. But please, don't stop.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I'm taking the wrong streets home because you told me to get food on my way home. I don't want to eat. But I figured it would look worse, look more petulance, look brattier, if I didn't eat anything then if I choke down a crappy fast food sandwich. But it would be choking it down.

So early to already be here. Holding you hostage. Making you walk on eggshells. Both of us crashing into those things that angered us so much about previous partners or our parents. So frustrating and hurtful. I would cry if i didn't feel so fucking empty and lost and yet trapped. 

You must feel the same. You took your ball and went home when you could. Maybe it's time for me to do the same. I really hate being just like all the rest. I know i stay too long. Has it already been too long? 

What does it mean when you can find your own way there and own way home but you don't want to anymore? Not like how it did when i decided to look for someone but to really know what it's like to have someone to zip your dresses and put on your necklace, or better yet your collar, on every morning and do the reverse at night? 

Or maybe I'm not supposed to be with someone. The crazy is all the companionship i can take. Much more than any other person should be asked to shoulder. Your partner is yoked to you and shares your load but it shouldn't be that heavy all the time. 

But it would be so hard not to crawl back, over and over. I'm not that strong. The sex, the companionship. I'd have to blot out the memory of the address. Lock up my keys after 10pm. Lol. Yeah, that's it. 

Better go get that stupid sandwich. 

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

We Used To Be Friends

I went to the ER Sunday after a weekend spent in pain. I was supposed to have Mini-Me for that whole weekend. I only got to see her for a few hours during her brother's birthday party. At least my parents were able to help you get a break on Saturday. I think that you didn't believe I was sick until you saw me on Sunday. Or you didn't care. Help was offered as I left the party to drive myself to the ER, since my new partner, who has yet to get a spiffy pseudonym, was out of town, but I felt the politeness of it. Today when I went to pick up Mini-Me after my follow-up doctor's appointment, you didn't ask how I was feeling or what had been wrong with me. 

We used to be friends. I thought we still might be. I'm sure if I asked you, you'd say that is how it goes when you aren't living together anymore and that I'm not around anymore. To other people, I'm sure it has much to do with me dropping the ball with the parenting in the past few months, as we truly cut the romantic ties and moved into separate spaces. When things became more difficult on me, I broke and wasn't able to step up to the plate like I had planned. I have a feeling you feel like I chose a new partner over my kid(s), over the family we had. I know that I fucked up several times by not being where I was supposed to when I was supposed to. I know that for you and yours the why of that doesn't really matter, just that I didn't. 

But weirdly I hadn't thought it would make us not be friends, make us not care about the other. None of those things that we had in common went away. But you barely answer my texts. I don't hear about the kids, much less your life, not even when I ask. I guess that is what I deserve. My abdication made being a parent a bigger part of your identity than it now is of mine. It also burnt up any shred of care you still had for me. I tend to do that. Burn up that caring with need, even if it is a need I have created by my absence. 

Maybe we were never friends. Maybe we were lovers and then parents and we created what looked like friendship to fill the spaces. I had thought she was my friend too. Until I burned up her care and we realized how little we truly had in common. The more time spent apart though, the more I am unsure why I want to be friends except that ...well, I do that with exes. I feel this need to try to salvage the friendship we had, or that I thought we had, because I make my partner my bestfriend, in a world where I have very few friends to start with, so I don't want to lose that. But maybe your partner never really was your friend. Maybe when you operate the way I do, they are a different third category, the lover-friend? Lend? Frover? Maybe once one is gone, the other goes with it.

Honestly, I don't even know why i want you to care. Because that's really it. I want you to care. Just like I wanted you to care then. Like I wanted her to care. Care in a way that made sense in my head at least, which I've learned is the real trick. If you didn't then, why would you now? Why do I want you to? Why do I still care at all? 

And yet I go to bed tonight wishing I could have that easy conversation with you, sharing about parts of our lives or our minds or the world. Not because I want that romance back or the sex back. But just to have an exchange of a few messages with someone who is like-minded on the topic, or at least knows it. At this point in things, isn't that what friendship is? Or a significant portion of it for us? But that seems gone and I don't even know how to ask about getting it back. I think the answer is either that we were never friends or to go back in time and be someone else then and someone else now. 

Saturday, August 05, 2017

Time

The time alone. More properly, what your mind will do in that time alone. That is not a part of the sales pitch for the poly or open lifestyle. When it is brought up, that time alone is framed as a good thing. Time for you to hang out with friends. Time for you to do things you want to do that your partner doesn't. 

I'm supposed to be at my parents' house, exhausted after a long day that had an early start and a nice playful evening with my daughter. I was supposed to get to enjoy being with my daughter all weekend and that would distract me from this time alone. Of the seven nights we were apart, i would be spending five of them with my daughter. The other two I would spend doing things in his house, our house, cleaning and unpacking. 

We aren't poly but not quite monogamous either. I had offered a hallpass while apart, especially as things this week went worse and worse. Except now there is a new complication so that hallpass comes with strict limits. This week hasn't turned out at all like it was supposed to. At all. It was supposed to be one of the most productive weeks in recent memory. Instead I have gotten almost nothing done. Hell, i didn't even empty the dishwasher. (Sorry Sir.) I am sick and in the worst pain I think I've ever been in, which I can only control if i lay down and don't move around very much, in our bed, alone, realizing in the past few days that I don't have anyone to take care of me. I'm trying to focus on my book, but all I can really think about is the seconds ticking away, between when i hear from him, between when i know what has happened and during which anything could be happening. 

Nope, this isn't in the sales packet. I always tended to keep myself busy during these times so I didn't have to think about it. Because I am me, this time is only twice as nerve-wracking as other time without him, as that time can still be nerve-wracking. (I am oddly comforted by the fact that he deals with the same feelimgs when I am away from him.) I just hadn't anticipated that I'd be alone, in pain, and laid up with plenty of time to wonder about exactly what is happening. 

But I didn't take back my limited hallpass. In the time I've been writing this, he's texted and the companion for his fun has gone home. I don't begrudge him whatever has happened between them, just as i didn't last night. This was not a trap or a trick. I wanted him to have an outlet and I am glad for whatever he was able to have. I much prefer that I gave it, even if that time of uncertainty stretched in my head into some of the longest hours of my life. I don't believe that it changes anything about our relationship. I don't believe we hold less faith with each other. 

But they really should put what that time does to your head in the packet. If only in tiny tiny print, read really fast, like they do on ads for medication. Maycauseanintolerablelengtheningoftimeduringwhichyouimagineeverythingyourlovercouldbedoingwithsomeoneelsebothawesomeandterrible.takeasleepingpillandwatchahappyshowonnetflixtilyoupassoutiffeelingscontinueformorethenfourhours.

Saturday, July 01, 2017

The Night Is Dark And Full of Terrors

I love a dark house after everyone has gone to sleep. 

Maybe it is just a love based on familiarity. For most of my life, I have been an insomniac or a night owl, almost always up later than my family. Wandering a house after dark, the ways to guide yourself through a space with only the light from the windows and that one kitchen light that's always left on are well known art forms for me. In long term relationships, when staying in their home or after moving in, there have always been nights like this. Bittersweet nights spent wandering someone else's space, just me and my ghosts and theirs.

Tonight is such a night, though not in the usual vein. Older now, with less insomnia and more things that make what sleep o can catch precious, i haven't done this thing in some time. But tonight i am in pain, sick in so many ways, and cannot abide the bed, or even sitting for very long. He would be with me if I asked. But he needs sleep too. There is also very little he can do for most of the pain. So i have left him to his sleep, however fitful it may seem. 

I like change. I grow restless without it. I will find something new to learn or try or to get trained in when i start to feel restless. But i also can get overwhelmed, perhaps more easily than others. New job, new relationship, moving, new childcare arrangement. All so quickly after a crisis. I am overwhelmed. I cannot cry properly, cathartically, when i need, from pains internal or external. Maybe after a life of solitary tears, i have just run out. 

I wish it was raining tonight as the poetess' words run through my head
but the rain 
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh 
Upon the glass and listen for reply, 
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain...

And yet, i am still soothed. Hydration and meds and movement finally seeming to have settled the worst of it. I am glad for this bonding time with this new dark house, where I am less lonely than i have ever been on my moonlit wanderings.  

Monday, June 26, 2017

Exes

They say that the best revenge is a life well-lived

Last week Wednesday, we had a hard day. We are still learning each other. Some play got away from us just before work and that, combined with my crazy brain's need to verify that what people say or promise is true, oh and the lack of sleep and hunger, meant I kind of lost my shit. We spent much of the morning dealing with it via text and email while at work. Including him telling me that he would drop everything to come get me if I needed it. That if I was in crisis, he would come for me.

We were supposed to go out that night. His ex had just gotten back in town and was going to be having her birthday shindig at the weekly community event that he always went to on Wednesday nights. She had asked him not to bring me with him if he came, period, not just if he came for her birthday party, which he wasn't planning on doing, but if he just went to that bar. I'm sure you can guess his response. I had wanted to go, though mostly for selfish fucked-up reason. He was going to go even though my reasons were selfish and fucked up. But between what we had gone through earlier in the day and how draining that was, as well as the fact that his day doing his actual job was long and fairly training, he did not want to go out.

Earlier in the day one of his friends had said that he should not go to the bar, but that he should stay home and fuck his new girl. Of course later on having forgotten that she told him that, she was mad that he did not show up. Another friend even went so far as to call him a pussy for not showing up at the first day that his ex was back in town at the bar they all went to. Honestly the only part of whether she was going to going to be there that was ultimately taken into account in our decision that night was that we shouldn't take into account that she was going to be there, but that we should decide what we wanted to do with our night based on how we felt and how we wanted to spend time with each other.

In our community, things get sticky with your ex's. I am still friends with my exes on here, even have them on my page. Most anything you write can be seen by anyone. On this social media and on the more mainstream social media, I wrestle often with what to say or do because I am in full view of my ex's on here and of my ex's and their families on the other site. I'm happy, ecstatic about my new relationship, but I also don't want to hurt my ex's, or even upset their relatives, since we are all co-parent children together.

But it begs the question, who do I write for- the new person in my life who I know will be reading this or the person who is much more tangential in my life now, who only wrote what I had written when I begged? 

"Tell me what I said I'd never do. Tell me what I said I'd never say. Read me off a list of things I used to not like but now I think are ok" - Ben Folds Five

I also constantly wrestle with the division of my time. As this new relationship continues to grow and become more important in my life, and as my desire to spend time and energy on relationships that had ended but that I had been holding on to life a life preserver have diminished, I now wrestle with what is spending the proper amount of time and energy on my children and helping my co-parents and what is spending too much time and energy on my exes. So much of my life right now is flooded with guilt because I am getting that wrong, piled on top of the guilt that I am not able to do the things I had planned on doing when I assumed I'd be single forever, smothered in the secret guilty sauce of doing things while caught up in the NRE that I was so upset about someone else doing a little over a year ago. I've written and rewritten this part of this post several times, with more and less detail about the situation. As vague as all this is, I think maybe it best to keep it that way, to protect the innocent, as the old tv show used to say. Or maybe to cover my own ass. Who can tell at this point. More importantly, when did the place I used to come to spill my feelings, the feelings of my loved ones be damned, become just another place where I tied myself in the knots of the things I can't or won't say? 

This week, we aren't going to that event either. The group I like to go to is having it's monthly meeting. He wants to go with me, and it isn't like many of his friends have not said they were going to it as well. I am overjoyed to be able to go with my partner, my Master, when I had for so long assumed I would always be going alone and would never get to share this. I do worry that it looks like avoidance of his ex to the people he knows in the community, even though that didn't enter into the equation of what we would be doing. But how much can we live our lives thinking of our exes? Particularly if they were the ones who ended the relationship, what do you really owe them? What is just living your life as you wish and what are things you should avoid because it may hurt them, even when not meant maliciously?  

Thursday, June 08, 2017

Glass Slipper

"Your love was handmade for somebody like me"

So many things others didn't appreciate but I love. Hardest part maybe finding the balance between my desire to serve and your desire to care for. At least now that we've done orientation I know where things are, know about possible projects that I may assist him with. Is it weird that I'm excited about a sweaty day of reorganizing that garage so it is functional for the things he would like to use it for? Ok, ok, I'm weird. It's ok. 

Late a few nights ago, he had me pull things from his play bag. See what was there. See if anything interested me. Let him find something fun for the rest of the night. 

There was a soft cloth drawstring bag with something round inside it. He got a little smile and encouraged me to see what was inside. Inside, all shiny, was a stainless steel ring collar, with an O ring on the front. 

It looked much to small for me, but i brought it back with me to the bed anyway. After he popped out the pin, i moved my braids so that he could put it around my neck. And it fit. I still have no idea how. It had looked so much smaller that the neck of an adult woman. But it had. And it fit just right. 

I know it was bought for someone else. I know that should bother me. But it was bought for someone it didn't fit, like so much of him, so much of what he does. In that moment, it felt like my glass slipper. Just one I didn't even know I'd lost. 

Friday, May 26, 2017

Pulling back

You show someone how to live without you. How to get by on less and less until leaving is more a matter if disrupting the status quo. 

You'll think i pulled back because of him. She fell for a new guy so she is putting all her energy into him. No, i had already had my hand slapped away enough that i still could have put the same small amount of effort into you that i had before. 

But i saw how scared he was of going overboard for me and realized that someone had made him feel like a pest, like an annoyance, like just accepting his attention and love was work. And i realized that was how you felt about me.

So as much as i could, i stopped. Stopped the one or two nice check in texts I'd do during the day. Stopped offering nice things. Stopped offering physical affection.  

Monday, May 08, 2017

You Ruin Everything

I don't really trust my own judgment anymore. There's always someone to say that my decision isn't right. I feel like both sides are right, leaving me doubly wrong but having no clue what to do about it. I just want things to not tense or an argument and for no one to be upset with me about anything. And I am kinda ok doing whatever I need to do to make that happen until I can be in my own space, shut the door, and feel however the fuck I want to feel. Because I can't feel anything right now. Feeling anything is too dangerous. Wanting or not wanting anything is too dangerous. Showing weakness or instability of any kind is too dangerous. Because I did this thing and they can point to that at any time and take away my kids. I'm not even sure how I feel about anything anymore because there are so few acceptable ways to feel. Even then I'm shit at keeping it up constantly. Sometimes the mask slips. It's inevitable really. I feel like I have rarely been trying to make things worse anyway, but now it's a state of constantly policing myself. I write this knowing maybe I can't post it anywhere. There's a decision to be made. I brought up the negatives. Maybe it doesn't help that I'm upset because of other stuff, because of the stuff above. A few hours later, I tried to tell her that I'd go with whatever they decided, and she was clearly upset with me for putting pressure on her. Fuck fuck fuck, you did it again, was all I could think. "You ruin everything." I will hear his voice saying that until the day I die. I didn't try to. I'm trying not to now. But I can't seem to help it. No matter what it is you think I should be doing, I'm not doing it. And I'm so tired right now. 

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Are you still a slave if you have no master?

Wore a swishy 1950s-inspired skirt, added my petticoat underneath after I got off work, and spruced up my makeup to go to a meeting of Masters and slaves together tonight. Even though the topic hit home in an uncomfortable way and I felt a bit bad leaving home when others had a ...well, hard doesn't begin to describe it, I am so glad I went. While I've probably only gone to a handful of meetings and I haven't been to one since my maternity leave, it has always been the one I felt most at home in, probably because of it's discussion format. 

But tonight reminded me of all the reasons I liked service and being a slave, not just a submissive. It's different to be around people who are living their power exchanges right there in front of you. Refreshing to see the different ways that plays out, that no one dynamic is the same. It always melts a little part of me when I hear someone on the M/D/T side of the slash talk about their own obligations, duties, and love for the person on the other side of their slash. 

When I got home, I didn't change out of my skirt and petticoat before doing the dishes and picking up the toys. I could tell everyone was wrecked. It gives me an extra bit of pride to do housework looking nice. I used to do it for him. Even though it was also for me even then. Now i do it for me. If he likes it, that's an added bonus. But I'm not serving him. 

Sometimes I get to do little things for him. He asks me kindly to refill his coffee cup or bring him something. As much as it would thrill me more for him to be a little less nice, I know he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. But in the end now I do these things for me, and for the master that is yet to come, because I don't want to let me skills get rusty, because being in that mind quiets things and makes me happy. Even if we enacted a strict protocol from now on, I know he can't be my Master and doesn't really want to be a Master in the way I want/ need one. At most, he is just gently holding the lead until someone who truly does want that and can step up to it comes along.

The question that has plagued me since I left the meeting is "is a little slave girl still a little slave girl if she is not so little and not anyone's slave?" Many people mark slave as their role in their profiles. I never changed mine. I think I didn't want people,  particularly D-type people, getting the wrong idea, that I was everyone's slave. I still chose submissive as my role, though even then I am not submissive to anyone except the people I have that negotiated with. Maybe if we're talking or dating you can push that a little, but I'm not going to say Sir or Ma'am to every single D-type or look down or whatever other protocols i might do for my D-type. And I'm still not sure I'm a slave at heart versus a submissive. For me, they go hand in hand for how I want to be with my primary partner. I want the power exchange we have during sex and play to spill out into our everyday lives too in ways that are beyond sexual but entail my service to him or her and his/her care and discipline of me. I like having the trust in a partner that allows me to give up my "no." But I'm still not sure that means I'm a slave, especially if I won't engage in service outside of a relationship and I don't have one. 

I need to go to sleep. Or back to sleep. Woke up to pet him and then babies woke up as I wrote this. Just wanted to muse. 

Monday, April 24, 2017

No One Is Thinking About Dating Me

Recently a newer friend of mine has me convinced that if i just keep putting out there what i want and keep working for the things i want and being more positive and looking for happiness and contentment in the little things all the while, that I'll get those things, especially when looking for a new partner.

Feeling sort of rejected tonight and not having anything recently pan out, I'm feeling a bit sad sack about things, realizing he and i never talked about how you feel like you deserve those things. No, not deserve.... more like you're too fucked for someone to want those things with you and not in ways you can really easily change.

First of all, i require an intense amount of attraction and high desire for play and sex to be felt on both sides. That's super rare and something that can't be forced on either side.

I'm not young enough or in good enough shape to be widely desired. The former will just kkeep getting worse and the latter I'm not doing a good job of changing right now.

I'm too crazy for any remotely healthy person to want to be with. And i can manage really well for shorter period of time but i freak out easily over minor-ish things, even if i now have most of those freak outs shortened and will handle things after the freak out. But i know that it is stressful for those around me.

I push back too much for someone who isn't really a brat. Especially at first. But also when I'm angry or frustrated or bored or i want you to play rough with me so i try to make you angry to get it. Wow that sounds pretty bratty. I think it drives off people. Now maybe those people wouldn't want to or be able to handle me long-term of this drices them off, but it kinda sucks. It feels like i act too bratty for many Doms to still be interested.

I'm not disciplined enough or subservient enough or proper enough to ne a good slave to most Masters. Nor do i desire micromanaging.

I regularly wear 1950s style clothing. (In fact, bank of america might buy me some pedal pushers and a cardigan soon.) But I'm not traditionally feminine enough, nor a good enough cook and seamstress and iron-er to be a good 1950s housewife type.

I'm not free enough to be good at poly but I'm not monogamous enough to be monogamous.

I don't have enough free time to really feel like I'm doing things justice.

I forsee lots of tearful lonely nights and a long time of masturbation, hopefully with some sublimation going on.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The Master in my Head

Sometimes I can feel you with me. You're always right behind me. Slightly taller than me. Larger. Stronger. A solid presence that I can lean back against when I feel I'm too tired or sad or lonely to do this anymore. Nameless and faceless for now, yet still reminding me that there is someone I am to belong to but I have to take care of myself until then. I imagine the words of love and validation you will whisper into my ear, your breath on my neck quickening my heartbeat. "A heart I swear I'd recognize is made out of my own devices."

I am probably not as well behaved as I hope to be when we are together. But until then your presence that is sometimes so real I can almost feel your chest against my back and almost hear your words reminds me to be a good girl. Go to work. Pay my bills. Spoil myself a little but not too much. Work hard but also cut myself some slack. Take a deep breath before reacting to anything because those people are going through things as well, things I don't know about and might not understand. Try to treat others with the compassion that I will want to show you, that you will sometimes need as you will be human too and fuck up just like I will. To push myself to still believe that we may meet and to put myself in places and situations where that is more likely, like community munches and socials. To take advantage of some fun and sex and play but to not settle for a relationship that isn't you. "Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking." 

Even now, you're here with me. But you're urging me to do some real work instead of daydreaming so I should get to it. 

I'll be waiting but please don't take too long.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Often is the Question Asked "Am I a Bitch?"

I know that I may never find a primary partner, another Dom or Master, much less someone who would marry me. It will be difficult to find someone who meets the things that I am looking for, who is willing to put up with the life that I have, and who I have amazing physical chemistry with. Knowing this, I also know that I may be the one taking care of myself mostly by myself for a very long time, if not forever. I feel like often that means I come off like a bitch in pursuit of taking care of myself. 

It sucks that every time I want to pat myself on the back for doing what is right for me, I end up wondering if I'm coming off like a bitch. Maybe that's the nature of the beast. Maybe a man in my shoes worries that he ends up coming off like a dick or an asshole when he does the same thing. I also know that it doesn't come off as very submissive or like someone who would be a good servant, which probably also doesn't serve me well in finding a Dominant partner. 

But no I will not call you Sir, or some variation of Sir, unless you are MY Sir, we are playing and that is agreed upon, or you can make me. Or it's a part of the name you go by. But I'm not going to call every Dominant I meet Sir (or Ma'am) just because of the side of the fence they play from. 

No I will not send you pictures just because. If we are talking to date or we are dating, sure, but even then, no I will not send you pictures that are any dirtier than are already on my profile. 

No I will not date you just to give you or a relationship with you a chance. It doesn't matter if I think you are a nice person or would in general be a good partner. If I don't think we are going to be a good fit for each other or I don't have that chemistry with you, I'm not going to make myself go further into a relationship that I already feel isn't going to work. I'm not going to make myself have sex with someone just because they are a nice person if I don't want to have sex with them. 

No I will not play with you so you can gain experience. Maybe it is unfair to rule someone out because they don't have experience, because how are you supposed to get experience if no one will play with a newb Dom. But my higher priority has to be my safety, my physical, mental, and emotional safety. I don't want to be your experiment, the car you wreck because you didn't take driver's ed. I also don't want to top from the bottom or be your teacher. I think that all long-term couples grow and learn together, but you can't be starting from 0. 

No I do not have endless amounts of time to chat or go on dates. Even after I catch NRE, if I do catch NRE, I am still bound by the life I already have and I would also like to keep some of my alone time. I have to schedule dates and overnight sexytimes in advance. 

Yeah, I probably just need to invest in more and better sex toys. It's gonna be awhile.  

Friday, April 14, 2017

My Proxy Is Mine

My new skirt, blouses, and dresses from the vintage store finally came in. Because I've lost some weight, the dress I bought in the bigger size is too big and I'm going to have to take it back. I'm trying not to gain the weight back, which will be hard in a job where I sit on my ass all day. But I haven't had a soda or candy bar all this week, walked to and from work one of the days. I'm back to wearing a bare minimum of makeup most days. If it wasn't "that" week, I'd be wearing matching bra and panties most days. I did something different to my hair today and it's freshly dyed. I swished into the last day of the first week of my new job in a new skirt, feeling like a million bucks, super hopeful about all the things coming up in my life. 

But I still want ...a Daddy or a Master or something. I miss that validation. I miss that praise. I miss that discipline. I miss feeling like there is someone there to rein me in if I were to need it. Not that any of that happened as often as I may have wanted it to or as most men who claim to be Daddies or Masters or whatever claim that they do it. But I still miss it and I still want it. 

I thought that I could date. I think that I was wrong. Or maybe it's just going to have to happen like it has always happened. Lots of things that went nowhere until finally there's that person who I want to fuck and marry and stay up talking to every night all in the same person. Not that that has really ended up all that well for me up until now but that is the only way I'm going to get over this whole "the thought of a stranger touching me makes me want to curl up in a ball and not let anyone touch me ever." In between those people, I used to be able to do some rando sport fucking but I think that might be a thing of the past. Or a thing where I at least have to want to fuck them in a bad way, bad enough that my pussy talking overpowers my brain talking. I have had that work out ok. But I can't just go out on a date with someone I thought was ok from online exchanges with the plans of fucking them after a cordial meal and not get squee'd out when it comes time to do it. I also can't go out on a few dates with a guy who is nice enough, great on paper, wants the same things I do, but who I don't want to jump right then because it will also end badly. I used to be able to give it the old college try, fuck them a few times, but then I'd have to admit that I really wasn't feeling them and break things off. I'm also too squee'd out about those people touching me for me to go through with it. He fucking ruined me. 

I just worry that I'm going to miss one of the few people who fit what I am looking for and are looking for someone like me and a situation like I want. And I don't want to get so complacent with whatever secondary relationship I have that I just decide I'll never have a primary relationship and give up looking or being open to it. In the past, it has been way too easy for me to get bogged down in that "I'll always be alone" mindset and just stop looking, or let it make me feel desperate when I did attempt to date, which is never a good look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's too early to date. Take time to be by yourself. Get over you last relationship. Except I am going to be taking time for myself, ya know when I'm not watching a kid or kids or working or whatever, and my "last relationship" will just be changing, not be over. I feel like my life is always changing. At what point has it stopped changing enough for me to date? After I've moved and settled in to my own apartment? After we've developed a new routine with the kids? After we've developed a new new routine because they've gotten a house? After we've developed a new new new routine because I bought a house near to wherever they end up? After I've finished my book? After I've finished several books and can quit my job and live off that money? After I've started hanging out with my old friends more? After I've decided I don't really like those people anymore and am back to mostly just being around me? After I've started going to some bdsm community events and started trying to make friends there? After I've gotten really involved there in what little free time I do have and have no time for dating? Please tell me, when is the appropriate time to date, especially in a poly context where I have other non-primary relationships going on and maybe the person I'm looking for does too? 

When I swished in to work today, I wasn't wearing a collar. My collar. How I miss it. I wasn't even wearing a necklace though when I have, it's been my own pearl necklace, given as a gift from my grandma to my mom and then to me. "My proxy is mine. You'll deal with me directly." (Neko Case) Who knows? Maybe he's wondering the same thing and we'll meet when we've forced ourselves to go to a bdsm event or when we've put up an ad, knowing that we'll have to deal with turning down the princes/princesses who aren't for us but knowing we won't find someone unless we're willing to do that. Maybe my person isn't a man at all or isn't on the gender binary. If I ever find it, it will be worth the wait. Even with how it has ended up being, he was. My next love will be too. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Right idea

Maybe she has the right idea. Don't tell anyone what is deep inside. Don't act like anything bothers you. If you're hurt or angry, you're tired but things are fine. Saying things only causes more problems, more drama. Maybe then people will keep loving you. Maybe your needs and your hurts won't cut away at their love for you until there's nothing left. It's not like you feel better right now having been honest or taken them at their word that they wanted to know. Because you're always worse when things are bad with them and it never seems to come out like you want it to, a combination of "see, it hurts me too when we fight" and "what about that other option you mentioned?" No, it's always using it to make them feel bad or manipulate them. No one really wants to know. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

Update On a Naked Neck

It's not really naked today.  I'm wearing my own pearls, not the pearls of my old day collar.

I would very much like to just curl up in front of never ending bad tv but I can't. I have children and obligations and I can't get lost in my own sorrow.

I'm sad and I'm scared. But most of the time I don't feel like it's as bad as I did feel like it was.

Friday night he and I talked. We still have so much love for each other but know that nothing is working like this. His biggest push was just that I can't live with them anymore. We need to work out child custody and the wheres of living arrangements the three of us, with flexibility for our lives, but I will always be welcome in their home to be with the kids, presumably even if it's not my night, as long as we make the arrangements. He and i have hopes to go back to the secondary relationship that we think was working pretty well for us before I became pregnant.

I'm trying very hard not to give in to despair. It would be easy to do. It would be what I usually do. But everyone still needs me. Even if the ultimate goal is us living apart and having some sort of shared custody that works well for us, that doesn't mean that we don't still need each other in the arrangement we have right now, and won't need each other in the arrangement to come. And we're paving a new way here. Or at least we hope so.

One of his big points is that he wants us to do this before we hate each other. While we can still amicably work this out and be around each other. It will be a different sort of getting over him that happens if then with other couples who just break up. And it is something that I had to do with her as well when it came down that we were never going to be romantic partners. It is messier and weirder. It especially will be for him and I if we keep some of the sex and play but not the expectations of a primary relationship. But if we are actually invested in creating a larger extended family that can still be around each other and workout then it's what needs to happen.

Because child Arrangements have to be worked out with the three of us, those ideas are a little less defined in my mind. But I do have hopes for my own romantic life going forward, that I will one day find a primary who fits the things that I want and need and I fit the things that he wants and needs. A part of what I will be looking for is him fitting in with my family. Since I came along, he has talked about the fact that we need to add a husband to the family next. In his mind this person might not even  be sexually or romantically involved in our family, but is someone who wants to add their family to ours. Of course in my mind, this person would be a husband of mine who is sexually and romantically involved with me but who is invested as much as we are in having this larger extended non-traditional poly family.

Of course I know that this is going to be very very hard to find. Any of that will come secondary to taking care of the kids and sometimes to taking care of the larger family, since I don't think that we not living with them or having him as my primary means that I do not have any obligation to them, it just means that we have different obligations to each other. I also know that it is going to be hard to find all of the things that I want in a single person. Obviously there will be things I have to compromise on. And I know that it's a little intimidating to have someone like me in general but someone who's looking for the things I am, someone who wants so much.

I don't really know how to end this. Just that things are taking a shape. I'm mostly ok, though sad & scared. I'm hopeful that it will better though.

Friday, February 17, 2017

No collar

I feel naked without the collar. It's going to take some time to get used to. I have felt its weight for the better part of year, no I guess a little over a year now, and I hadn't expected it to come off so soon. And I still feel like if i could have it back, i would, though with the expectations that it entails to both sides.

It's hard to write because I don't want to say something that will sound bad against anyone. I still have so much love for everyone, especially him. On the other hand I have to write. That's who I am. I feel like I have lost so much of who I am in these last years, given it away to make room so that I could earn my place, that I have to keep some of it.

Really hard when in your heart you feel like you would have done anything for some one and still feel like you would do anything for them, but you also feel like the both of you are left with no real choice. At least without completely breaking everything you are and believe in. I have to keep reminding myself that they feel just as strongly as i do about these things on their side as I do. It's hard when both sides feel like they've given so much only to have what they gave be seen as unimportant to the other person and, in the end, not save it.

She seems happy though. Happy to be rid of me. He doesn't seem happy yet but he will be. I'll be just another crazy ex-girlfriend, but one who left him with an obligation, one he still has to deal with. I hope maybe some day he can be happy to be my friend and I his, maybe be able to have the great sex without things getting too muddled. He can be in the floozy box he should have been in all along. I hope that they can get back what they once had, long before me, long before a lot if things. Maybe she can be with one with two livein loves now and it can be even better.

I want so badly to be wanted and have someone else that worries about me. Not in a Negative way, but someone who cares enough to wonder about what I'm doing or to worry if I'm not somewhere on time. but I'm feeling like right now I'm someone that everyone wants to just get rid of. I know that seems backwards because i brought up leaving first. But that's what i always do when it feels like someone wants me out or it's at that impasse.  Because it's too hard for others to sat it, so I'll say it & do it. I don't know how this works for regular people .In the end, I know I need to make myself someone that I worry about. Maybe that I'll find someone who worries about me, who I won't feel that way about.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

I Feel Something So Wrong By Doing the Right Thing

I switched jobs. It was supposed to be the right choice but it hasn't turned out that way so far.

I was working 50-58 hour weeks, only one day off half the time. I was exhausted. I was a complete bitch. When I did get to hang out with the kids in the morning before work, I was falling asleep. He said I needed to find a new job months ago.

I found one. I didn't think I'd like it but it would get me experience closer to what I'd like in a different job. It was day-ish hours. It was only 40 hours a week. It paid less money. A lot less money. But I used to be able to get by on that kind of money. I had done some quick math that said I could get by on it. I asked them for their opinions. They were supportive of whatever I did and I should do what would make me the happiest.

I agonized for a really long time, going back and forth, especially since there was another position at the employer I was at that I had applied for which at the time said it would be less hours, though still 2nd shift hours, and more money. (Turned out that the hours probably weren't going to be any less so I didn't get the job when they finally did hire people, since I made clear that I didn't want to work 10 hour days.) What I really wanted was someone to have a real opinion as if it was there life too, as if it was also their happiness and financial well being that was attached to what job I took. You know, because to them it was OURS, not just mine. I wish someone had expressed their own opinions on how they thought they would feel when the childcare burden shifted or when I was home at a different time. I tried to ask and I felt blown off every time. It only mattered what would make me happy. But when you have kids and a family, it isn't always about that. Sometimes it's about setting yourself up best for the future. Sometimes it's about just sticking out shitty situations. It's about so many other things than that. And having a partner or partners were we could be completely transparent and honest about things from exact finances to how we felt about household burdens and everything else is what I want and what I don't know how to have.

And as things sit right now, I made the wrong choice. I don't like the job and very shortly I won't be able to completely make my bills. I'll be a little short every month, if I'm ONLY paying my bills. That doesn't count extravagances like flat tires and doctor's visits. I'm going to go back to looking for jobs, though I'm not sure how it will look that I'm looking again when I've only been with this company for a month. I've been lazy as well. I was going to use the time I now have after the kids go to bed to work on a novel or two. I have ideas for cheesy erotic bdsm novels that I could self-publish on amazon but I'm often really tired after cuddling mini-me to sleep and I often just want to hang out in the same room as the Professor and watch tv or read the internet. It's also been difficult to get down to writing. I can't find the headspace at work because they listen to crappy pop music all day long and I can't listen to my headphones and listen to podcasts or other audiobooks or my own music to let my ideas percolate through all that new knowledge and experience.

But I haven't even been blogging. I know it was a choice that I made but .... well, everything I wanted to say felt like airing dirty laundry. Some of it was stuff that I hadn't said to either partner yet, sometimes things I felt like I couldn't tell them. While it was my own decision though, it has made me feel so small and boxed in. I used to write often speciifically so others could read it, because I felt like I could explain things on the page much better than I could vocally. But the Professor stopped really reading what I wrote long ago. I was too wordy and he just wished I would get to the point. If he ever reads this, that's what he'll say too. There stopped being any point to writing for him to understand me better or better understand how I was feeling or how I thought about things. So then writing about us just became airing our dirty laundry. When you're in a relationship that you know others already criticize or in a group where people are going to blame anything that goes wrong on that ("well, of course it's not going right. you're poly/kinky/etc"), you can start to feel like you can't show the weaknesses there because it will get blamed on that. Or at least I do. I don't want to show my partners as bad people just vent about how things are, that things aren't perfect, figure out how I might fix them, just like anyone would in any relationship, gay or straight, kinky or vanilla, poly or mono. I've let the criticisms from both sides get in my head so much that I just shut down, pulled myself inwards.

But I'm done with that now. While I'll still try not to hurt people, I'll write what I want and when I want. When I know someone could do something to help a situation, I will tell them, even if I know they won't do it because I am just enough of a bitch that I want them to have to say that they don't want to help me or themselves enough to do that simple thing. I will take responsibility for when I'm acting like a bitch or when I start a fight or when I had a bit of an attitude, but I won't let other people blame me for every fight, for their attitude, for their bitchiness. I tried not saying things, sparing other people's feelings and make excuses whenever I could, but I'm done now. Especially because I'm done with others sparing my feelings. That always gets thrown back in my face, like I asked to be spared. I didn't. Others just didn't want to deal with me being emotional or upset, even if maybe I wouldn't have been or maybe that was what I needed because I didn't know I was doing that thing that upset/angered you. Maybe I should give you the same chance that I want. Though these seem to be my famous last words, I'm not sure it could feel any worse that what I"m already doing.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

So Far Away

I had just been thinking about you when I heard her stirring in the other room, waking from a bad dream.

I had been thinking about walking out onto the coblestone street at 2am (SO late to 12 yr/o me) in your little college town as rain started to drop onto the dusty street. We had been up all night painting your little apartment as well as the stairway up to it, part of whatever deal you made for a cut in deposit or rent. You were always doing things like that, trading work for reduced price.

Then i had thought about how far away everything with you feels now. That night was over 20 years ago. You've been gone five years? Has it been five years now? My life is so different than it was, than any life we'd have known. I wonder how you'd feel about it. I imagine trying to talk to you about it, like when i was 18 and you'd call me and drink, getting more honest with each beer. Maybe i could be honest with you too. I wonder if you could understand the things that mean so much to me now and help me sort through the things that confuse me so much, tie me up in knots. You taught me how to try to cut through those knots for other people. Maybe you could do it for me. Maybe i already know and just don't want to do it.

And then she cried in the other room. The little girl who bears your name. I could have let her dad, who graciously didn't argue when i wanted to name our child after my dead relative who he'd never met, get her. But i was right here and still awake. I wish i could ask your mom, my grandma, questions about kids and about how i was. I wish i could see you laugh about the ways she's like me and marvel at the ways she's not.

I miss you so much and wonder what you'd think about all this. Could you understand the man i love and how we love each other? The complicated relationship i have with my female partner and co-parent? How the knot of them and the children leave me paralyzed and ambivalent and bouncing back and forth all the time? I hope you could. I wish i could know if you could.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Killing Us

And there's the crux of it, again and again and again. We give to the other what we can, what we thought was best, what we thought would help them. We feel like we gave a great deal and suffered for it in the end. Then we find out that wasn't "enough." They wanted something different and felt unloved and unimportant when they didn't get it. All that we gave means nothing. But what they say would have made them feel loved or important are things we couldn't give at the time or maybe ever. They are things we don't have within ourselves. So we feel like we are told we didn't give enough when we gave all we could. All those fights last fall and I felt like she does now. She feels like I did then.

I'm so tired. I'm so sad. In my more rational moments, i am aware that it's not anyone's fault, or maybe it's both our faults. I don't think he can have what he wants. I think this is killing us. I know it's killing me. We need a different way. Maybe that's giving him back to her all the time. Maybe it's just complete avoidance of each other. Maybe....

He'll be mad. He wanted us to work on this together, work on this ourselves, but i think that's not really an option. We can't get past this cycle right now. Feeling like this I'm not sure how we can like each other, much less love each other. In the past year, she had to deal with what was possible not being what she had hoped for. I think he and I need to too.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Starved for Touch / My Stupid Mouth

(Written last week)
Today while at work I listen to a cracked podcast that was about how humans today, especially Americans, are starved for touch. I remember a conversation a few months ago where Ginger was talking about how she was feeling. I remember her specifically saying that she was starved for touch. I understood what she meant, and I have to admit that in the end I did nothing to help. Ginger and the Professor had been going through a weird time have been going through a weird time with their physical relationship. I guess with their whole relationship. I tried to help but I think that most of what I did made things worse. I did try hard to give them time alone, what time I could find. I will do the same once we find a better equilibrium with the kids. At the time she was telling me things that she had asked the Professor for in particular and that was one of them. Obviously her long-distance partner can't help with her being starved for touch at the moment since he is, well, long distance.

I was and am full of ambivalence about situations like these. When she vents to me and I see how sad and upset she is, my first instinct is to help her. I want to solve her problem. I wants to give her what she wants. Part of the problem is that she does not want it from me. I could do all of these things and it would still not solve the problem because it would not be from the right person.

With this instance in particular however there was and is currently another issue. I don't really know how I feel about her and I don't know how she feels about me. I have become increasingly stingy with my body. It used to be much easier for me to give it much more freely. But now in some weird way by giving it to the Professor, it makes it easier to then pick and choose who else gets it. It is not freely given. I cannot give it freely. That makes me think more about who I give it to. And I don't want to give it when I don't feel comfortable.

I remember when I was pregnant petting them. I can only think of one time that anyone ever rub my feet. Granted I was lucky. Even though I was on my feet at work all day, I did not have a lot of the swelling that many pregnant women face. I'm quite sure that I rubbed the Professor's feet more times than anyone rubbed mine. I remember petting Ginger while I was pregnant. I probably should have asked for touch, but I feel like that's not something that I can have. At the time all of that was dialed up to a ten, but no matter what I've always felt like I don't get the things that others might assume they would get from their partners, because I didn't come first and so I don't come first. Part of it is the role of chosen to take. And I have chosen to take it. I'm not acting like this is something that was done to me. It's been my choice, but I've always felt like the options that were both open to me in the relationship are ones where I gave more and talk less. Sometimes I have felt like it's twisting arms just to get what I get. I remember sometime in the last year talking to Ginger and telling her that there was a point near the end of my pregnancy where I realized I have not gotten anything in the relationship that I had not begged for. I didn't just mean things from the Professor, but I think that may have been lost on her at the time.

The fact that I chose not to ask for touch during my pregnancy does not mean she should not have gotten touched during her pregnancy. It also doesn't mean that was the reason I did not give her touch during her pregnancy. It was that I didn't know how to give her touch when I felt so closed off from her, when I felt like each of us had chosen to close ourselves off to the other one to protect ourselves. While, I do feel bad about the end result, I also feel stingy about what I give when I have so little to give, especially if I feel like I'm not going to get anything back. Get enough back. It isn't to say that I did not do things for her during her pregnancy. This was just one of the things that I could not get myself to do.

I know we can't live together how we have. Or maybe we can but it's not how I want to live. I took off time to take care of her and the new baby and the household after she gave birth, but I didn't get to do that to the extent that I wanted to when I planned it. I could do very little with the baby because I can't feed him and I did not want to risk waking him up since when he slept was the only time Ginger could get any sleep. I could take care of her and practical matters, but once our older child went to bed, I did not want to hangout with everyone. I have expressed to her how uncomfortable I've been and that I would like to work on changing that especially now that she's not pregnant and hopefully she is in a little more level place. But first I need to figure out what it is I want and what it will take for me to feel the way that I would like to. I know that it will be a negotiation, but I need to at least know where I'm starting from.

*********
(Written just before posting)
"My stupid mouth has got me in trouble. I said too much again..."

Finally a moment that felt good, that didn't feel like sand under my skin, and it's open mouth,  insert foot covered in shit from the big pile of crap I stepped in.

I was trying to tease and it pushed on a whole mess of sore spots and shitty life experiences we don't often talk about.  I hear much more about all the fun social life you had later, being way cooler and extroverted than i ever was and much less often about the social hell of your childhood. It sucks. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I carelessly poked it. I'm sorry that was your life. I thought my childhood sucked but it sucked in what seem now like tame stereotypical depressed bipolar kid from a broken home ways compared to the two of you. And I'm done trying to compete in the "my life sucked worse" olympics. Or the "my life currently sucks worse" olympics, for that matter. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it sucks. I was at a loss for what to do so I retreated rather than making it worse but there is no part of this that you need to apologize for, which may be how it has made you feel. You shouldn't apologize for your truth or your past or how you feel about it and I'm not asking for that.

Outside of what happened though, I'm tired. This situation and the fact that I cannot be home without being surrounded by it saps me of my patience, my energy, my goodwill, and my love. It is a scratchy wool suit that is 2 sizes too small and way too warm. It is never having privacy. It is always feeling watched and judged. It does not help a situation where I don't believe how you feel about me, know how I feel about you, what kind of relationship I would like us to have or if we can even have one, while trying to be friendly and cheerful and co-operative everyday. Some of it is just how life is right now and not anyone's fault. I'm hoping some of this will change soon but I'm tapped out until it does.

Monday, June 06, 2016

What i wish you understood

I never thought we'd be all you needed. I never thought you didn't need things elsewhere. I was not upset that you found these things in him. For the most part I was really happy and I tried to be quiet about how it hurt to know that I had wanted to have many of those things with you, had tried and failed. It wasn't your fault you didn't feel the same and you didn't owe it to me to do that.

I was upset that you weren't honest about where the relationship was when talking us. I was upset that the two of you had all these plans that moved him into our relationship and home without is having met him. I was upset that he was always present but you wouldn't try things to let is interact with him early on, like speakphone or sharing the text conversation. I was upset that you disappeared into him when i needed help, that I was more alone than I needed to be during my pregnancy and maternity leave because you refused to come back. I was upset that you told me things i didn't realize you weren't telling our partner, only to have him get mad at me. i am upset that i get punished for having any response except the exact one you want to everything but everyone also gets to get angry at me for having emotions and that is also considered ok. I am upset that "i dont particularly like him or want to hang out with him" has translated into "everything must be a secret", since I had tried to listen to you and be supportive of things and tried to recognize and verbalize and correct them when it was me having issues, especially since things being secret only add to my anxiety and detract from the reasons I had an open relationship to begin with.

I am disappointed for everyone's sake that because of personalities and how everything happened we do not particularly like each other in a way that would foster adding him to the family because I do see what he gives to you and I do want you to have that. And if it didn't mean leaving our child, soon to be children, I'd even leave, just see our partner when we had free time, so you could do that. Gods know he could keep your house as well as I. (Except for maybe the laundry, but you could teach him to do that.) I just can't find a way to keep our shared partner's family together without being here.

Disappearing

So i wrote what is below on talk to text on my way to work today. Then i read something she wrote. And i just can't anymore. So tired of being a problem. So tired of being caught in the middle of people who won't deal with each other or themselves, much less me. So tired of feeling like every emotion and word and action outside of robotic everyday is wrong. So tired of having to be self-sacrificing to feel like i deserve anything from people who are so incredibly selfish. So tired of doing so much only to keep being told that I'm a problem. So tired of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So tired of feeling like disappearing is what would make everyone's lives so much better. So tired of only being able to hold on because of my own selfish desire for what he gives me that i cant get anywhere else, that ability he has to know me in ways no one else does and to feed that. But tonight I'm alone and so fucking done with being what they want me to be.

******

I tried to open up a little. I've been holding back for so long, in the name of keeping the peace. Or maybe really in the name of protecting myself.

So i opened up just a little, I thought that sharing feelings that knew she had felt or maybe even did feel currently how I felt would be a way for us to find a way back in. But really shortly I saw that look on her face, that look that tells me she just can't wait for me to stop talking, can't wait for this conversation to be over.

And so I shut myself down again. I went upstairs and cried by myself as I got ready but you can't cry after you put your makeup on. You can't cry when you're at work. So I had to shut that off too.

I know she's working really hard on allowing herself to feel her emotions again, especially after my childhood and teenage years where she was told she didn't feel those things end an adult relationship in which her feelings were used against her. I realized that what I'm feeling is only a fraction of what she felt and any of those times.

I had hoped that when we'd transition from what i thought was someday going to be a romance into a friendship. Most of my bestfriends are exes. But it's hard to get over a breakup when you no one sees it that way. When you can't really tell people outside because of how it reflects on all of you and they don't acknowledge that it is a breakup, that it does hurt you, that it is something you can or should feel sad about.

Then again,  maybe she is treating me like a friend. How many of my friends have i distanced myself from when I needed to work on myself and/or focus on my life and my family? Almost all of them, at one point or another. Maybe it's just harder when you live with that person.

But I am starting to feel myself disappearing. So that they aren't angry with me, or at best cooly distant, when i have feelings or desires, I turn in on myself, pull back. I wonder if they feel it too. I wonder if one day they will look up and wonder where I went. They will wonder when it was exactly that I left. The answer will be little by little by little.

Then someone I hadn't seen in a long time came back to me today. That part of me that has all the good qualities. That part of me that is stronger and wiser. And as I said in the bottom of the tub and cried, she came to me, petted my hair caress my cheek and told me it was going to be ok. We had been here before. Many times. And we knew we could do this together.

In many of the poly forums recently I have seen people say that they consider themselves to be their own primary. While I can understand that I also felt that it denigrated any large especially entangled relationship they may have. But when she came to me today, I told myself that I was going to work on that again. Right now he is my primary. But I don't know how long that will last. I don't know if we'll be able to continue to be this close. And I know he will leave my life much sooner than I would wish. I have to work on reestablishing that relationship I had with that other me. I don't want to disappear on myself, even if they want me, the real me, to disappear from them.