Sitting here tonight in my little cubby, in Ava's grotto, after a stupid fight, because I honestly could give a fuck about... well at this point sadly at all about the sexual harassment stuff that is coming out. At this point it feels like so many people have been accused and so many people habe said they've experienced it that I'd like to burn the whole damn world down because we're all fucking assholes and we've all been fucked over, but I digress. None of this shit pays my bills, does my homework, get my daughter any closer to being potty trained, so I don't fucking care right now. But we still argued about it. I thought it was just a discussion until suddenly it wasn't and it was just another way I'm not right. When he asked why I do this, I didn't have an answer. Because I just do. But that doesn't mean I want to change it. Even if it means I end up in arguments. Ever wonder why I don't discuss things? Why i just slide through the world as often as I can anymore?
Look I realize I am hard to love, harder still to like. Why do you think I am ok being by myself? But sitting here I realized that I do all these other things because I know I'm hard to love and like so I go out of my way in whatever way I can so the people I love or like will continue to love or like me. Why did i do all those things in the last relationship? Why do I serve? Why do I take on so much? Why do I try to go the extra mile? Because it is what I can do to make up for the fact that I'm hard to love and like.