How Much Does Size Really Matter???

I'm a big girl. Honestly, I've spent all my life thinking I was fat, whether I really was or not. I still thought I was fat when I was down to 125 lbs after having not eaten for a year when I had mono. Looking back at those pictures now, I look way too skinny for my own good. Ever since then, when I was 16, I've been slowly but surely gaining more and more weight. I'm now up to 210 lbs, a woman's size 20, and am having minor health problems as a result. I am trying really hard to lose weight in a realistic way that I can keep up for my whole life- walking a couple times a week, cutting back on how much I eat, and turning down food that is bad for me more than I give in to it. I am trying to accept that I will never be as thin as I want to be but that I am beautiful in my own way, while also pushing myself to be more healthy overall, not just thinner.

But, on the other hand, I feel like my weight is a major barrier to my dating life. There are several boys and girls that I know currently that I would like to get to know better, in a romantic setting, such as a real date, even though I've been told people don't actually go on those these days. While I am trying not to loathe my body as much as I did in the past, I feel like all the people that I am interested in would never be interested in me because of my weight. While none of them are model-gorgeous, they all happen to be of about average weight, or, even worse, skinny. In all honesty, I'd be perfectly happy if they weighed more, but that just isn't the case. Every time I think about asking them out on a date, or even just flirting, I worry that they will be turned off by my weight and turn me down solely based on that. But, if I wait until I lose the weight, at least I will feel like I have a chance to be evaluated on who I really am. I'd really hate to lose the weight and then have them say "Hey, I'll date you now!" because then I really couldn't date them. While I could say that it would be best to find out now if they are shallow enough that they wouldn't date me because I am overweight, I would counter that they mostly only have my looks to go on at this point, which is different from imagining whether or not they would be with someone that they loved who gained weight. So I really don't know whether I should put off more aggressively pursuing dating, especially with those who are average/thin, until I lose some of the weight I want to lose.

Late Friday Night

I played the Dixie Chick's song that's been inspiring me, Taking the Long Way, for you. It didn't seem to do alot for you. When I tried to explain why it really inspired me, that the song reinforced that it was alreight for me not to take the path I feel we are all told we are supposed to take, you acted like that was old hat. Like I should have moved on to something bigger and better by now. I wish I could have expressed to you how these songs, written and sung by intelligent and strong women like the Dixie Chicks or Ani Defranco, energize my heart and soul, help affirm everyday for me that as a woman, in spite of being a woman, just because I am a woman, I can and should do these things. In a lot of ways, it makes an even more powerful statement for me since it is coming from other women, especially because the negative things ringing in my head recently are also from a woman.

I didn't want to point this out for fear of huring you feelings, but I find it kinda funny that, now that I'm doing so much better, we've had to implement many of the things you said we wouldn't have to do when you first got with Katie. And that I'm actually volunteering to do them. I vividly remember you telling me that i could call or text you whenever I wanted to, as long as I knew you might not be able to get back to me if Katie was around. Now I've basically volunteered to do neither. But at least I can do it now. And I thank you for never pulling the rug out from under me. You graciously and patiently waited for me to get off the rug and back on solid ground before you and I pulled the rug up together.

On the way back to my grandparents', I was kinda cry-ified. I'm not even sure I could tell you why I wanted to call you so bad, just to hear you reaffirm our friendship once more and to reassure me that we'd all three be ok. But I didn't. Every moment on the trip back when I wanted to pick up the phone, I reminded myself of all the times you stayed on the phone with me even though what YOU really needed was space and time alone because you knew that I needed to talk. It makes me feel better to hope that I'm giving you what you need. It also makes me feel good that I can deal with moments like these on my own. Thank you.

Not Ready to Make Nice- Dixie Chicks

I really liked this song when I first heard it but I heard it several times this morning and it really seems fitting right now.

Not Ready to Make Nice- Dixie Chicks
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it
I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

New Strings - Miranda Lambert

I really wanted to add this as my myspace song but it isn't on her profile. It's still a really great song.
"New Strings"
I bet this road will take me out of here
Take me far away from Amarillo
I bet this car will go real fast
The wheels might even drive me past
The places that you said I'd never go

Oh...The Texas Sky is the biggest one I've seen
But it still aint big enough for you and me
All the things that make you mad,
All the baggage in your past
Don't leave much room for a girl like me to be
So I'll fill her up with hope and worn-out dreams

[Chorus]
An I'll grab the wheel and point it west
Pack the good and leave the rest
I'll drive until I find the missing piece
You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas
And an empty heart
But I have everything I'll ever need
I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings

Mama said I never should have done it
Should have ended us before we ever started
Daddy knew about my pride so he stood there
And he smiled inside and I pretended that I
Didn't notice a little tear that fell when I said I was going

[Repeat Chorus]
An I'll grab the wheel and point it west
Pack the good and leave the rest
I'll drive until I find the missing piece
You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas
And an empty heart
But I have everything I'll ever need
I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings

[Tag]
I've worried about life and
If it's arriving right on time
I guess if you don't jump
You'll never know if you can fly

[Repeat Chorus]
An I'll grab the wheel and point it west
Pack the good and leave the rest
I'll drive until I find the missing piece
You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas
And an empty heart
But I have everything I'll ever need
I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings

Over My Head- The Fray

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=81260169
"Over My Head (Cable Car)"
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Some Recent Thoughts on Buddhism

Many of the core principles of my DBT group therapy are derived from Eastern and Buddhist meditation and mindfulness practices adapted specifically to help people with borderline personality disorders. So, in addition to the specific things I've been doing for my therapy, I have been getting back into my meditation practices and reading/studying Buddhism. I'm currently reading Awakening to the Sacred by Lama Surya Das, my favorite Buddhist writer. So far, he's written many times about mystical experiences, both in Buddhist oral/written tradition and that he and followers around him have experienced. While he brings these stories up in relation to both individuals having mystical experiences while meditating and experiences had in the presence of people who are supposably the reincarnation of famous Lamas. While he never gives a very concrete answer about the latter, he does write about the former that all his teachers told him to just keep meditating without trying to really examine or recreate or getting stuck in that experience. Ok, I understand that is how one is supposed to deal with that experience. But my question is "Is it real?" Or is it just mass delusion? Or a result of long periods of meditation? Or maybe fasting? Is it real or just a delusion?

(Yes, I am well aware that his answer is meant to discourage this kind of questioning, but I still question. Sue me.)

Absolutely Ridiculous Video Game!!!!

There has been a lot of talk about this video game in the liberal blogs but I just had to share this with other people I know. There is a video game being made out of the Left Behind book series, which is about the trials of a group of Chistians who's faith is restored after the real faithful are taken to heaven before the apocalypse. In this video game, gamers play as a band of these reborn Christians in New York who travel the city violently and bloodily killing 'infidels'. (Not sure exactly who this is. In the books, there is a single world religion that is established through the UN which then elects the Anti-Christ as its leader, so I'm guessing the infidels are Anti-Christ followers and are not supposed to be members of real non-Christian religions.Yes, I did read some of the books out of curiousity. While full of movie-style action, they are written on the level of a 3rd grader.) Also, the bodies do not disappear or get proper burials. They just sit around rotting up the place. On the plus side, however, gamers can switch to the infidel side.

In addition to this, the game is being developed by a company associated with the mega-church pastor Rick Warren, who also wrote The Purpose Driven Life, thus giving it some credibility by association. Also, when asked about the extreme levels of violence in the game, the makers said something about how the only R-rated movie in the 20 highest grossing movies ever was the Passion of the Christ. While I don't disagree that the video game might be profitable, I have my questions about how Christians can support extremely violent movies and video games. Especially when some of these same people make such a fuss about other violent movies, TV, and video games.

PS I love GTA 3 and San Andreas.

The Pianist

Today I watched the movie The Pianist for the first time. Seeing as it was an Oscar winner, I thought I should at least be able to say that I saw it. It was a good movie, though I didn't enjoy it as much as I was hoping I would. But what I kept thinking about the whole time was how much I didn't understand about human nature. I am aware the there were complicated social and political and economic factors that made it easy for the Nazi's to make Jewish people the scapegoats for all of Germany's problems, but I still can never understand how so many people across Europe could allow people that were their friends and neighbors to be treated so terribly. Even if they didn't know about Jewish people being exterminated in the camps, they saw Jewish people getting their rights and property taken away and they saw violence against Jewish people everyday. How can so many people just stand by and let that happen? Also, there are many scenes in the film where German soldiers kill Jewish people in the streets for no apparent reason. Everytime something like this happened in the film, I wondered what could possibly be going throught that person's head when they did that. Granted, I'm not sure how much of that is what really happened and how much of that violence in the movie is a hold-over from Roman Polanski's horror days, but I still don't understand how a soldier could justify killing an unarmed, unthreatening civilian in the street. I have to admit that I'm not sure I could kill someone if I was in a war, but, if they were an opposing soldier who was going to kill me, it would at least be justified. I would like to hear from someone on the other side, a Nazi German soldier who killed civilians, why, and how he felt about it at the time and after the war had ended.

Not So Random Thoughts

First day of vacation. My parents' vacation from their jobs and home- to live in the RV & fish & sit outside on the lake. My vacation from my parents, their timetables and schedules and expectations. I have lots of plans and goals for this time but I'm trying to balance the rest I still probably need to get over this cold against my manic feelings caused by the prednisone and all my plans. But as my body works to not exert too much, my mind does wonder and hop from topic to topic.

• Stories of great rises and falls. Thinking specifically of the movie Wallstreet at first, though there are an endless number of these stories. While I understand why these stories appeal to people, they don't seem very realistic to me. It's not the great rises and falls themselves that I don't believe, it is the great and sudden change in people as they rise which causes their fall. Maybe this is because I have never known anyone who made a great rise. I have also never known someone who changed as wholley as these characters do, especially in suck a quick and sudden way. Their personalites will always be greatly influenced by their experiences, especially experiences as they were growing up, both for the good and the bad. Even with all the changes I am hoping to make, I am seriously doubting my personality will change "overnight." My actions may change and gradually those actions will become part and parcel with my personality. But also my experiences in the time in between will become part of my personality. But I don't think I would ever be able to make that kind of change overnight, or suddenly. I don't think anyone can.
• Story Idea: re-examine the events of my time with Chris both 1)from his perspective and 2) as if he was lying about much of his life, ex. He's really married. (Not that I have any reason to suspect that, nor do I suspect that, but I just think it would be an interesting story.)
• I watched the movie The Island tonight, last summer's "big" flick about human clones who learn about their situation and try to break free. *Spoiler Alert* At the end of the film, hundreds of clones, called "products," are let out into the world. We are supposed to just be relieved that they weren't killed, which was their maker's plan, but were freed by our heroic couple, who also get to be together in the end. But all I could think was: What are they going to do with these people? Sure, there aren't as many of them as there are say illegal aliens in the US right now, but the movie says that they are all emotionally, mentally, and educationally about 15 years old. How and where are all these people who are outwardly all different ages going to be integrated into society? And won't it be weird to have orphaned and mentally young clones of the rich and famous just walking around? I really wonder if anyone else thinks of these things when they see movies???
• This morning I watched The Nomi Song, a documentary about a very unique singer/ performance artist who came out of the NY New Wave of the mid/late-1970s. Just as he was becoming a big artist in Europe, which might have allowed him to move into larger mainstream favor in America, he died at 39 from AIDS, which was still being called gay cancer. The movie made me really want to know more about this period of culture and music. Some extra footage of an interview with a former writer for New York Rocker Magazine talked about the New Wave scene, from which came bands like Blondie and the Ramones and the Buzzcocks. From what I could gather from the movie and the extras, all these people who felt like they didn't belong where they were, moved to NY and the Village, which was cheap and where no one lived. I'm interested in how punks came to be in the 70s after the hippies and how punk is placed on the cultural timeline next to disco. ( Where these bands flourishing in the underground scene right at the time of disco? Before? After?) Also, I'm interested in how the varying sounds and looks were developed in the New Wave and then commerciallized? So very interesting!!!!

"My Love Will Keep"- Adrienne Young & Little Sadie

"Don't Mistake Coincidence for Fate"-Eko Lost

While I'm trying not to mistake coincidence for fate as I used to, I still enjoy a good coincidence every now and then. My uncle made me a disk of MP3s that he had bought for his MP3 player. It's a lot of more independent country and alt-country music. By coincidence, or just the programming of MP3 players which alphabetizes based on album title, this was the first song on the disk when I popped it in to listen to it yesterday. It's really good. And it made me think about my love for my uncle and my mother, which will always keep, even when we aren't as close to each other as we'd like to be.

(My other coincidence happened late last night. I was flipping through TV channels last night, and a local tv station was showing a chess game being played with real people, which immediately made me think of the BBC show the Prisoner. Only a few down clicks and I went back to the top of the channels, 78 BBC America, where the episode of The Prisoner where they play chess with people was showing!!!! Maybe it's not fate, but it was very cool.)

My Love Will Keep- Adrienne Young & Little Sadie
Baby, were you just about to kiss me
Or were you just about to leave?
Come and sit down here beside me
Maybe take a moment just to breathe

Well I could say Im sorry
And I could tell you I was wrong
I just cant say forever
But here after from now on

I love you in the winter when the roots grow deep
Love you in the spring when the leaves turn green
I love you in the summer when the trees grow tall
I love you in the fall of the year
When the leaves turn brown
When they cover the ground
Down where the roots grow deep
My love will keep

Why worry bout our future
If were not worried bout our past
So dont you worry bout that question
You been just about to ask

I love you in the winter when the roots grow deep
Love you in the spring when the leaves turn green
I love you in the summer when the trees grow tall
I love you in the fall of the year
When the leaves turn brown
When they cover the ground
Down where the roots grow deep
My love will keep

PS For once a love song that didn't make me think about Sir, though I love him like I love my uncle and my mom, and this song does apply.

Pre-Pregnant, all the time

I found this Washington Post article on one of my liberal blogs. Here is the link http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/15/AR2006051500875_pf.html
But I thought I'd paste the most relevant part of the article here.

"New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon.
Among other things, this means all women between first menstrual period and menopause should take folic acid supplements, refrain from smoking, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control."

On one hand, this seems like simple common sense. All women should just stay healthy. So should all men, for that matter. Also, since a great deal of pregnancies are unplanned, women should be aware that everything they do could affect an unplanned pregnancy.

BUT on the other hand, this seems kinda weird. While all the things included in the above paragraphs seem perfectly reasonable, it also seems to say that all women, regardless of their plans, their sexual orientation, or their actual sexaul activities, should spend all years in which they could have a child acting like they are having a child. Why don't all women just cut to the chase and stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen for their whole lives? Maybe instead of, or in addition to, pushing women to act like they are always on the verge of becoming pregnant and pushing insurance companies to pay for this additional care, health care providers should provide both men and women with accurate and effective contraception and information. Also, these guidelines don't take into account that some women might not be having sex with men, either because they are lesbians or because they have chosen to/lack the opportunity to have sexual intercourse. In addition to all of this, they seem to be saying that the highest, most important part of any woman's life is her ability to have a child and that all other choices should come second to that. Or, to put it more crassly, I am just an incubator for babies and I shouldn't be allowed to damage that incubator by doing things I enjoy, like drinking alcohol, smoking, eating too much or unhealthy.

It just doesn't seem right.

Very Interesting....

These are two very interesting posts from one of my favorite liberal blogsites, one that doesn't report all that is going on so much as takes a deeper look at issues that are being brought up more superficially on other liberal blogs.

This is the first post, which talks about the right wing strategy of reframing a once unthinkable idea so that it then seems radical and finally acceptable. This also would put a position that is in reality more centrist in a light where it seems extreme on the other end. Digby points out that Democrats should be examining this policy, either to find ways to counter it or find ways to use it themselves.
Article #1

This is the second, more recent post by another blogger on that same site. He seems to be arguing that while Ghandi may have used this particular political theory called Overton's Window to change the perception of racism and caste systems, he was working to right a wrong, whereas the right-wing is just using this to villify their opponents and that Democrats might be better off using truth instead of imitating the right-wing. There are lots of other very interesting ideas in it also. Just something to think about.
Article #2

Hunger

Last week's DBT homework was to eat mindfully. I only tried to do it once and I know I didn't do it very well. But it made me not want to eat ever again. The food tasted blah and didn't have good texture. I realized with that experiment that, if the fod really tastes this blah usually, then I must be eating for other reasons. This kinda disturbed me and I really didn't want to think alot about it for now, as it is one of my lesser problems.

Then, I started to get this cold on Saturday. I had the house to myself, which usually means I cook whatever I want and watch Showtime or HBO On Demand, since I don't spend much time upstairs while my parents are sleeping becuase I don't want to wake my parents up. (Also, while they are home and awake, I don't have much control over the kitchen and the digital cable, which are both only found upstairs.) But I felt so tired and my head was so stopped up that I just didn't want to do anything. I finally went to McDonald's around 10 pm before falling asleep on the futon around midnight. But before that McD's trip, I felt like I was starving. I slept very late Sunday and ate 'dinner' with my parents almost as soon as I got up. Within hours, I was hungry again. I was hungry all night. Even when I ate a TV dinner, I was still hungry. When I tried to go to sleep, my obsessive thoughts revolved around all the places I wanted to eat, especially since i have a little bit of cash from the tax refund. I was actually afraid to start eating anything at the time though because I was aftraid that I wouldn't be able to stop. That is how hungry I felt. On a more rational level, I also knew that my physical body couldn't be THIS hungry. It must also be something emotional/mental, right???

Yesterday, I brought it up to my mother. She said that she's had a similar experience lately, but she thinks it is just excess stomach acid becuase the feeling goes away when she eats a couple of Tums. I tried this, but it didn't work. And I tried eating a decent, but not excessive, amount of food, but I was still hungry.

The newest development is that, despite how hungry I was when I went to sleep, I was not hungry when I woke up. It wasn't until after I ate dinner with my parents (despite eating a normally and normally filling amount) that I started to feel hungry, after about an hour.

So, I don't know what is going on with my body and my hunger right now. I know it can't be physical but I don't really know how to fix the mental/emotional problems that are causing this excessive hunger. Also, it is the least of my problems right now. Or maybe it isn't, considering how much time and energy I've spent thinking about it the past few days. Right now, I just want to eat until I'm FULL, stuffed actually, and can stay full for hours and hours afterwards.

Size Matters - Joe Nichols

New Myspace song. I've been trying to listen to new songs and new music, especially alternative music, but I always seem to keep coming back to country music. Of course, I can't listen to most of it because it makes me sad and makes me cry, but I'm really into the songs that don't make me cry. Like this one. I also really like his single before this "On Again Off Again."

Size Matters - Joe Nichols
Someday she wants a big ol' house
Sittin' on a big ol' hill
And a mile long tree lined driveway
For her big ol' Coupe DeVille
Yeah, someday she wants a big ol' bank account
With too much to spend
But right now all she wants is a man

With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters

Someday she wants a big o' ring
With a big ol' rock that shines
And a big ol' walk-in closet
With shoes of every kind
Yeah, someday she wants a big ol' boat
She can lay around gettin' a tan
But right now all she wants is a man

With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters

With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters
Size matters

LOST is the best show ever!!!!

Ok, ok, so it might not be the best show EVER but it is pretty damn good. It is suspenseful, with interesting and conflicted characters who get fleshed out weekly with their flashbacks and all seem to be inter-connected before their crash-landing on Mystery Island. Now, there is another layer to the entertainment. ABC and the Lost creators have started an Alternate Reality Game. When I first saw the word GAME on the Lost Web forum that I visit after watching each new episode, I thought there would be prizes. It seems that knowledge is the only prize here though. It is intended to flesh out more of the mythology of the show and the backstory of the characters, especially the characters mentioned but never really seen. I guess JJ Abrams, the creator of Lost, is no stranger to this idea, since they did it for Alias a while back also. I think that it is a great way to give more background to rabid fans and to keep viewers interested/obsessed over the summer haitus. I'll definately still be watching and keeping up with all the action. At least from the sidelines as I read what others do at http://www.losttv-forum.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=70 . Goodhunting, fellow Losters.

At Least I Won't Have to be a "Telephone Actress"...

I've been unemployed for about three months now. While my parents would have been very happy if I had gotten a job as soon as I lost the one before, I have only thought I might be able to do a job for a month and only hardcore looking for about three weeks. (Or as hardcore as I do anything these days.) Besides an e-mail exchange about a questionable domestic/personal assistant position from the local independent weekly paper, I have not heard back from a single job I applied to. Every few days, I go to yahoo's job listings and the large local paper's online job listings and apply to every job that I think I could do moderately well and that works with my therapy schedule. While that isn't a great number of jobs, it's quite a few. Friday night, I did this same thing. While I was applying to several jobs from the large local paper's online classifieds, I saw an ad that I had also seen in the local weekly independent paper for "Telephone Actresses." Ok, so it is pretty clear that means phone sex operator. On the plus side, it can be part-time or full-time, you get to work from home and set your own hours, and you get to be very creative during your work. Plus, the ad said that you can make up to $15/hr. So I went to bed Friday night thinking that if I didn't hear back from someone soon, I might have to apply to be a telephone actress. It can't hurt to apply, right?

But today must have been Job Day. My step-dad got offered a new job which he took and will start in a few weeks. And I heard back from two of the places that I applied to. I have an interview with one other them tomorrow!!!! The other place was just calling to pre-screen the candidates, but I had applied for this position three weeks ago, so I had pretty much given up on hearing back from them at all. So, while I'm trying not to get to excited about this job in particular, I am just excited that I'm getting some feedback at all, which makes me more hopeful that I'll find a job soon. Wish me luck.

Taxes, Refunds, and New Computers

I was checking my bank account, actually wondering if my car insurance payment had been deducted from my checking yet, when I got a wonderful surprise. While my Kansas tax refund check for $80 has not yet come in the mail, Uncle Sam has directly deposited my federal tax refund directly into my savings account just as I asked. I am now $620 richer. I can't wait until we can talk about my computer needs again so that I can buy a fairly decent computer fairly soon. Then I can download music and copy DVDs and chat all the time and write all the time from the comfort of my basement lair. Yea me!!! Also, on the off chance that adult content accidentally pops up on the computer, I don't have to worry about how I'm going to tell my step-father his computer had a meltdown because I was looking at porn. Wish I could talk to you tonight about it, but I do hope you are having a good weekend with Darling K, Sir.

I Hate Being a Girl!!!!!!!

Pasted directly from Myspace. I'm very lazy tonight.

Remember that Gap commercial a few years ago in which Sarah Jessica Parker dances around singing that old song about how much she enjoys being a girl??? I hated it then and I really hate it now. There is very little I enjoy about being a girl. Especially menstration. As I've having my second period in three weeks with extremely painful cramps, I'm a little bitchy and getting a little toasted. My downhill slide started when I was 10 or 11 years old and my grandmother made me a "hot tottie" to help with my cramps. I don't have any whiskey, but amaretto, hot water, and cherry juice seems to be working just as well.

On the up side, I have had a good past couple of days. While I had been having alot of anxiety over unreasonable and irrational worries, I talked to Tony and found that the truth is not usually half as bad as what I was thinking, so, contrary to popular advice, I should just ask the hard questions from now on instead of being anxious about it. That was what I did yesterday and I have been productive and fairly calm ever since. Did laundry. Painted my nails. Went to my DBT group today, which went very well, and we are starting the Distress Tolerance Module, so hopefully I will have better coping mechanisms to deal with stress. Went to my hairdresser/friend Lisa's house to watch movies and just talk. BTW, Junebug and Flightplan are both very good movies, even though I wish the ending to Flightplan was a little more inventive and challenging.

So, besides the physical downsides of being a girl, I'm doing a lot better mentally, emotionally. Shit, no girl is ever going to want to date me after reading my blog. Oh well. If she doesn't run, I guess that shows she's a keeper.

Amazing Buddhist Quote

So much fear and desire come from that commitment to 'I am'- to being somebody. Eventually they take us to anxiety and despair; life seems much more difficult and painful than it really is.

But when we just observe life for what it is, then it's all right: the delights, the beauty, the pleasures, are just that. The pain, the discomfort, the sickness, are what they are. We can always cope with the way life moves and changes. The mind of an enlightened human being is flexible and adaptable. The mind of the ignorant person is condidtioned and fixed.
Ajahn Sumedho, Seeing the Way

My Little Girl

I pull her close, spooning her against my chest and stomach. She can’t sleep. She is anxious and scared. I don’t mind that she can’t sleep. That I am used to. But I do not want her to be scared or anxious, though. She’s had enough of that in her life. I kiss the back of her head, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair, fresh and clean. I stroked her hair, cooing into her ear. “You are safe here. No one can hurt you now. You have nothing to fear or worry about here. I’m here to protect you and together we can get through anything. I understand it is hard. It’s a big world and sometimes it can just seem like too much. But we are big girls now and we can handle whatever is thrown at us, with each other, with our friends, with our family.” She is quiet and still. I’m not sure if she feels better or not, but I’ll continue to hold her, hold myself, the part of myself that is still a scared, anxious little girl, unable to cope. Hopefully, that will be enough for this morning.