The One Doing the Holding Vs. The One Being Held

I have been dark for awhile, but I'm back with a vengence. Having to deal with deep suicidal depression will take it right out of you, I'm telling you. Also, I started a new relationship (and ended it also). I'm trying to learn from all these experiences. Here is the first real substantial thing that I can say I now know.

I really like being the one who is held. I do not like being the one doing the holding.

In straight relationships, there isn't much of a question as to what position each person person holds. Men are the ones doing the holding and women are the ones being held. That isn't to say that women don't hold men when they need it, but, mostly, this is how the relationship goes. When I asked my bestfriend T, he affirmed that, unless he is having real issues, he feels uncomfortable being the one being held. When I brought this up to my straight female therapist, she said, "You know, I don't really see what I would get out of being the one doing the holding. Men must get something out of it, but I don't really see what that would be."

So far, it seems that issue is a bit more cloudy in lesbian relationships. Popular gay shows like The L Word make it seem like lesbian relationships are, on the whole, completely equal, with both partners being the femme ones. While I have only watched the first three episodes of season three, it seems obvious that most of the lesbians on the show think that Moirra and her butchness/dominantness makes her a smalltown, smallminded throwback. In fact, until I actually met other lesbians, I thought lesbain relationships would be much like those on the L Word.

Thus, I didn't think it would be a big deal to date a femme bi girl who had previously had LTRs with more butch/dom women. We could just be equals, or I could try to play up my more butch/dom side. She was also shorter than me so it would be easier to be the more butch one. It did not work at all. While she liked being held, I felt isolated and alone and uncomfortable. I realized that the butch/dom side of the relationship entailed things that were completely different from the other side of the relationship, things I didn't know and didn't feel able to do. It also ruined the chemistry on my end. I was not sexually interested in the relationship at all (which takes a whole lot for me!!) Some might say that might be because I am not really attracted to women, but I haven't had that experience with other, more butch/dom women.

So, the moral of this story--- I like being the one being held and I need to find a woman that likes to do the holding.