There Is No Arizona

I was reminded of this song when someone else used the title as the title of one of their blog posts and it really made me think of Mon Parrain. Earlier in the week, I was going through some old text messages that I hadn't deleted from my phone and i came upon his last texts to me. They were on November 9th. Ironically, that was also the one month anniversary of my marriage. I suppose I was never really promised anything, persay, but I always felt like he offered the promise that I could have a new and better life if I just hung around long enough to really learn from him. And everytime I think about his complete disappearance from my life, so sudden and without any good-bye, I'm reminded of two very contradictory things that he often said to me. One was that he didn't just up and leave his friends, but the other one was that everyone should feel like they are free to just walk away from a person or a situation if it was either in that person's best interest or their own best interests, without anything more being done or said. I have to assume that he did the latter.
What's really poignant to me in this song is how she finally responds to the people around her, telling them what she has finally figured out. I have the same experience. There are things that my husband knew I wanted to do with Mon Parrain, things that were especially special to Mon Parrain and I. When I try casually to make plans to do those things with my husband, my husband always brings up "But what about Mon Parrain?", as if he's defending Mon Parrain, or vicariously offended for Mon Parrain that I would bring up doing this thing with him instead. And I finally just had to tell my husband that he's not coming back, that there is no Arizona. I'm not really sure if it was harder for me to have to put that into words for the first time or harder for my husband to realize what that meant to me, how that broke my heart. But, here's the song and the youtube. It's a good song, even though it's going to make me cry for the second time tonight.

There Is No Arizona- Jamie O'Neal
http://youtube.com/watch?v=22tktN87ASk
He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona
Underneath the blue never ending sky, swore that he was gonna
Get things in order, he'd send for her
When he left her behind, it never crossed her mind

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

She got a postcard with no return address, postmarked Tombstone
It said "I don't know where I'm goin' next but when I do
I'll let you know"May, June, July, she wonders why
She's still waiting, she'll keep waiting 'cause

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

Each day the sun sets into the west
Her heart sinks lower in her chest and
Friends keep asking when she's going
Finally she tells them don't you know

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona