Some Kind of Madness

I don't want this. I don't want to be less close. I don't want to not be sexual with you. I don't want to not sleep with you. I don't want to not be held by you. I don't want to not be able to touch you. I don't want to set up barriers that I don't have with other friends. Thinking about it makes me crumble. Just thinking about it already seems to be putting distance between us, distance I don't want. I don't know how to be close to you without these things. I don't even want to know at this point. I'm not sure I can will myself to want to know right now. You say that nothing has to be decided right now, that nothing between us needs to change right now, but it's all I can think about. And as I sit here alone, all I can think is that I'm never going to be held again and how I'm losing my closest relationship.

I want to not want you the way that I do, when it's not reciprocated. I want to be able to do the same things I do with my other friends, from which I don't catch feelings. I want to just be able to enjoy it. I want things to be non-confrontational for more than just one weekend. I want to not be the problem that needs to be solved.

And I want someone else. I want a lover and partner who loves me back, who has my back, and who isn't just the runner-up to you. I want to feel like I'm not alone. I want someone I don't have to feel like I'm "on" all the time with, but who can challenge me when I want it or need it. I want a dynamo in the sack and in conversation. I want someone I don't feel judged by and who I don't have to feel only wants a "better" me. I want to find someone who wants me that I think is worth wanting.

I wish I felt less like this:

The XX-Chained: I watched you breathe in and I wished you'd stop, only for long enough, long enough. It's hard to say, separate or combine. I ask you one last time, Did I hold you too tight? Did I not let enough light in? If a feeling appears, If your mind should sway, It's not a secret you should keep. I won't let you slip away. We used to be closer than this. We used to be closer than this. We used to get closer than this. Is it something you missed? Winged or chained, I ask you would you have stayed? Did I hold you too tight? Did I not let enough light in?

And more like this:

Muse-Madness: I can't get these memories out of my mind and some kind of madness has started to evolve. I tried so hard to let you go, but some kind of madness is swallowing me whole. I have finally seen the light, and I have finally realized what you mean. And now, I need to know is this real love or is it just madness keeping us afloat? And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had, like some kind of madness was taking control. And now I have finally seen the light, and I have finally realized what you need. And now I have finally seen the end and I'm not expecting you to care, but I have finally seen the light. I have finally realized I need to love. Come to me. Trust in your dream. Come on and rescue me. Yes I know, I can be wrong. Maybe I'm too headstrong. Our love is madness.

Oh, wait, no that guy wants a reconciliation too. I thought that what he realized what that ze would be better off without him and their fucked up relationship, but obviously not. What the fuck is it with all this music? Can I not find a song where people are just happily broken up? I really didn't think I'd still feel like I was in a perpetual state of trying to get over you after...what? 6? 7 years? Gods, this shit is getting so fucking old. Even I hate how what a whiny emo bitch I'm being at this point. And if getting under someone else really got you over someone, well, then I should be long over you.