Failing

Wrapping Christmas presents at midnight on Christmas Eve but I can't listen to Christmas music. I know I'll cry and I still have things to do before I go to sleep. And I'm so tired of crying right now.

Christmases have always felt bittersweet to me. When I was in school, between the end of semester crunch and preparing for the holidays, my bipolar hit high gear. There was usually some bickering, usually starting between my step-father and I, then branching out from there. But there were always family members I liked, friends,  food, presents, grades, vacation, the promise of a new year.

This year has been kinda a mess. I'm super behind in everything in life. There are no ormanments on the tree or lights in the windows. The first presents i bought were online last weekend. We only bought presents for our tiny human today.

My crazy has been in high gear for awhile as has Ginger's so there has been a great deal of fighting and push/pull. We talked things out tonight and I feel like we're at a better place. I hope that this necessity of a talk didn't hurt her mental state too much.

Even with it, I feel like such a failure. There was so much I wanted to be able to be for her and do for her. I know she's trying really hard to do a bunch of things with her mental health but it's one of those situations where it will get worse before she gets better. I wanted to not be this endless problem and I keep failing. I wanted to be able to be intimate with her in all these ways but I've failed at that too. The ways that involve this new person in her life have so far made me feel used and degraded, and not in that good way. The ways that involve us here make me feel so pressured.

"And we can talk it round again girl
Round and round, round and round again
Or we could leave it out tonight
Leave it out just leave it out
I never tried to trick you babe
I just tried to work it out
But I was swallowed up by doubt
If only things were black and white
Cause I just want to hold you tight
Without holding back my mind...
But no flame burns forever, oh no
You and I both know this all too well..."

Both for the increased intimacy between us and to help everyone's mental state, since coming home from the hospital, I've felt like I have to be ok all the time, like i can't be me. Tonight she said that she doesn't know how she can be romantically with someone where there's always a new problem. My honest response was that with me there is always a new problem. Sometimes I wish it were different but this is how it is now and how it always has been. I can't say it will ever be different. For months now, I've tried and failed. I don't know how to be what they need without breaking myself and I don't know how to be me without breaking her. (He and I seem to be able to reach a better equilibrium. Or it doesn't break him/us like it does her/us.) Then I have big outbursts when it gets too much for me. She said that I'm holding my breath but I can't hold it forever so it is bigger when i finally do breath. I guess she's right.

None of this is helped by the current med situation. My doc and I added an antidepressant to my cocktail. It's only been about 2 weeks though, so I'm in that awesome area where I have more energy but my mental state hasn't been helped yet. So unlike before when I could escape the shitty thoughts by going to sleep, those thoughts are now racing and I am not sleeping quite so easily.

This week when I did have it in me I tried to think about what might help me. Maybe I'm just not thinking very clearly because I'm having trouble coming up with concrete answers to that. I did have a few thoughts and then a few more when talking to Ginger. Some are physical well being issues. Since Ginger hasn't been able to eat the veggies like we were, I have slacked off on that. I need to get back to that. It did make me feel better even if it didn't taste awesome. Honestly nothing tastes awesome right now (depression) so maybe it shouldn't matter how it tastes. I should also either do yoga or meditate at least a few times a week. I'd also like to do some ab exercises and light free weights everyday, maybe make my body feel stronger.

If I wasn't sure before then I really am after tonight that Ginger and I need to go back to how we were leaving things before her new guy came along. For as much as I usually like concrete definitions, it was much better for us just to be what we were, with no expectations in the physical /romantic / sexual realm, and just let things happen when / if they were going to whenever that was. It isn't helping anyone right now and nothing is even happening. On the other hand, I do need to take the reins and be more rigid about scheduling time for us to hang out and not letting anything interfere. If I don't,  we both end up doing our own things and not connecting. She has said she's fine with me being more rigid in this so I will be.

I've also realized that right now I can't be friends with her guy. Whether by accident or by design, all of my poly experiences have been ones where I was either involved with or at least good friends with my metamours.  But metamours are like in-laws. You should be civil, courteous,  friendly, and promote your paramour seeing them, but you don't have to be friends with them. Now you can be. I'm developing a real friendship with one of The Professor's step-sisters, but O don't have to be friends with any of them to be friendly and encourage the relationships there. This is the same.

Now I tried. I really did. I know I exchanged more messages with him and messaged on a more regular basis than I have any of my own friends in the last couple of months.  And he tried too. But we have very different life views and personalities. Even the things we both enjoy we come at from very different angles. But we wouldn't become friends if we met at work. On a deep personal level,  I feel like my particular brand of crazy is ....well, he said that I was an emotional blackhole, because you can't see what's on the other side. He doesn't have the same emotions as a 'normal' person, so my intense and more unpredictable emotions force him to walk on eggshells. I keep trying to force this friendship at a time when I don't even have friends of my own in my life and it's becoming really unhealthy for me. I'm also unable to create good stable boundaries for us because I want to connect over shared interest but that invovles bdsm which means I'm talking about their sex life or bdsm dynamic which is just full of hurt and jealousy for me. Oddly, I often feel compersion when she talks about it because I'm happy for her when she's happy. But this person is a stranger to me and it feels like rubbing my nose in all she and I can't seem to make happen between us.  While I'm sure he brings up me doing things with them as a way of making me feel included, it doesn't. It makes me feel like the only way I could have this with the person I live with,  Co-parent with,  who calls me wife,  is with him. It makes me feel like he or they think I'm something to be used for their games,  like he or they think I'll agree because I like sex and I like bdsm, so of course i would. It might not be their intent, so it's unjustified to be angry or punish them. But it's the result so I need to change things.

I had really wanted to be able to do this for her. I wanted anything with her so desperately that I agreed to anything. Even as it hurt me more and more, I still said I would. Now it's these months later and I'm sure it feels to them like a 180. I am sorry for that and for not speaking up sooner but I couldn't feel like that any more. It's not their fault. I just need to change it. Even if we ever did those things,  I'd have to come to it on my terms, by my own desires, not like this.

I realized I need to write more. I haven't been blogging both because of a lack of time and a fear of what I'd write. I had plenty to say and I did want to allow the racing thoughts somewhere to go but I didn't want to put them where anyone can see them. Everyone has things that feel are too dark or crazy or extreme to share. I need to start writing it down somewhere, even if it's just in a journal for just me. And i need to work on my fiction. I'd love to be able to make enough writing to support my family and stay home. Even if I never make it there, I would like to try to turn all those racing thoughts into something else. (Have you read Gone Girl? Do you wonder what the author's husband thought when he read it? Lol.)

I will still probably publish this and cry. Maybe next year I'll be better at this time. Presents bought and wrapped. Crazy under control. Family more family-ish. "It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...." Sadly, I still feel like this year was a bit of a fail.