My Little Girl

I pull her close, spooning her against my chest and stomach. She can’t sleep. She is anxious and scared. I don’t mind that she can’t sleep. That I am used to. But I do not want her to be scared or anxious, though. She’s had enough of that in her life. I kiss the back of her head, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair, fresh and clean. I stroked her hair, cooing into her ear. “You are safe here. No one can hurt you now. You have nothing to fear or worry about here. I’m here to protect you and together we can get through anything. I understand it is hard. It’s a big world and sometimes it can just seem like too much. But we are big girls now and we can handle whatever is thrown at us, with each other, with our friends, with our family.” She is quiet and still. I’m not sure if she feels better or not, but I’ll continue to hold her, hold myself, the part of myself that is still a scared, anxious little girl, unable to cope. Hopefully, that will be enough for this morning.

Hoosiers

Friday night after Sir left, I was flipping through TV channels and I started watching "Oh Baby...Now What?", this crazy A&E special about a couple who was breaking up until they found out they were about to have a baby together. It was messed up!!!! Though these people were mid/late-20s, I don't really think they were ready at all to be parents, but that is not the point of this post. The show was taped in LA, where these people lived. When the father-to-be's roommate (who didn't like the mother) heard that the mother was thinking about going on welfare after she had the baby, she said it was, "Really Hoosier-ish." ???? That really puzzled me because I thought that using the word Hoosier to mean white trash was only a St. Louis colloquialism. (In fact, Sir has a very detailed explanation about why this came to be. I don't know if he is right, but it is very interesting.) Then, about an hour later in the show, the father-to-be mentions in conversation that he is from Missouri. Also, he and his roommate, who didn't seem to ever have been romantically involved, had lived in the same place together for three years. My guess is that they both moved to LA together from the St. Louis area to be actors, or she just picked up this specific usage of the word from having lived with someone from Missouri for so long. But it is still very weird.

Easy - Cowboy Mouth

I was skipping through a MP3 disk, made by my friend Sir for his trips, just as I was leaving St. Louis tonight. I had a really good weekend there, especially Friday and Saturday. But Sunday I didn't get up when I should have to hang out with my friend and I also had a lot of anxiety about leaving my bestfriend, my rock, and also about all the work I knew I still had to do, if I was going to be able to do it all, if I was going to fail again and end up right back where I was in February. Hearing this really pumped me up in a punk-rock way to keep on working and to work even harder. Unfortunately, I can't add it to my myspace page because they don't have it on their myspace page. Oh, well. You know what it sounds like, Sir.

Easy --Cowboy Mouth
I once had a friend who
Met an early end to
A kind of modern way of thinkin
He wasn't taken from us
Yeah, he's still among us
But he lives for drugs and drinkin
He liked to point the finger
His accusations linger
A deeper part of every action
He loved to play the game where
He dispersed the blame for
Every deep dissatisfaction

Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try

He once told me how he
Couldn't wait to beat me
So he could take what I was telling
(He said)
They don't give a damn its
All a master plan for
Us to buy what they are selling
Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try
(Come on, give it a try)

If I sound above it
I can't sit in judgement
Cause I ain't sure where I'd be sittin
These are all my problems
Lord, I tried to drop them
Cause this ain't how I should be livin

Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
(Life)
Hard to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try
(Come on, give it a try)

Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive

This Week

So now I've felt consistently good for about five days. I'm really happy about this and I want to be productive this week. Here are the things I want to achieve this week.

• Go to DBT group Thursday
• Get bills paid, all money stuff settled before I leave town for the weekend
• Exercise at least twice. Start to do yoga every once in a while now that I have my basement floor area back. Do arm exercises and stretches and sit-ups while watching TV/movies
• Apply for jobs
• Close old bank accounts
• Get haircut
• Get oil change before trip
• Try to lessen the number of hours I sleep a night. (I have realized that I really REALLY need more hours in my day to get things done that I want done.)

Thankfully, my step-dad put the carpet back down tonight after the flooding stuff and I put back all the stuff that had been moved. Tonight I'm going to vacuum and dust everything and I'm also planning on rearranging my books so that my inspirational and Buddhist books on the top shelf of the bookcase right by my bed so they are all there, especially the Lama Surya Das books. Wish me luck.

Beyond the Gates of Splendor

The other movie that I watched last night was Beyond the Gates of Splendor, which is about one group, several families, of Christian missionaries (are there Buddhist missionaries? Jewish missionaries? Muslim missionaries?) in Ecquador, who attempt to make contact with and teach an indigenous Stone-Age tribe in the region Christianity. The problem is that the tribe is feared by all the local people because they kill outsiders and each other with little provocation. When the five men (husbands/fathers) from the group make contact with this group, they are killed, speared to death. The amazing thing is that their families stay in the area to minister to the tribe and several of the women, with their children in tow, become members of the tribe and sucessfully convert them to Christianity. One of the grandsons of one of the slain missionaries even becomes close enough to one of his grandfather's killers that he calls the man grandfather and asks that he come to America for his college graduation. The slain missionaries' wives told their children that they had a great deal in common with the tribe children because they had all had a family member speared to death by another tribe member. And none of these children seem to harbor any bitterness about the situation and are happy that they could bring Christianity and modernity to this group. Amazing!!!!

In addition to how amazing it is to me that the missionary families stayed to minister to the tribe is how quickly they took to the new religion and how it completely changed their culture. Two cultural anthropologists, a married couple, were interviewed for the movie. They had studied a similar tribe in Asia, with the exception that the tribe they had studied had one of the lowest homicide rates, where as this South American tribe had one of the highest. (Going back five generations, six out of every ten deaths was a homicide among this South American tribe.) Within a few years of the missionary families coming to live with them and convert them, the murders stopped. The missionaries used the creator god the tribe already had, turning that god into God, and said that he didn't want them to kill anymore. Because the homicides were the result of revenge cycles, once one clan in the tribe pledged to stop killing, the others started to follow suit. But was it really the Christianity that changed their mind? Or was it having a structure and someone higher to answer to, instead of the autonomous, egalitarian, and unstructured society? The cultural anthropologists seemed to think that the only difference between the South American and Asian tribes were that the Asian tribe had a very definate way to settle conflicts whereas the South American tribe did not so they handled it with violence.

Overall, a pretty interesting documentary, though I'm afraid it might be a little slanted since it was made by the Christian missionary families. I'd like to see if there is another side to this story.

Hostel (spoilers below)

So, I'm trying to get back into watching the movies on my list, trying to get back into actually doing the things that I enjoy, or used to at least. The first movie I watched last night was Hostel. For a horror movie, I didn't think it was very scary or suspenseful, but I did think there were other interesting elements.

First, I was really intrigued by how the story moves the viewer to be empathetic with the main characters, though not from the start. At first, the two main characters are the epitomy of the ugly American, frat boys in Amsterdam looking to smoke pot and sleep with hot European chicks who call every guy they see a "fucking faggot." At first, I was thinking that I might actually be happy when these guys get tortured. But then, once they get to the bucolic Eastern European village hostel with the hot topless chicks, their Icelandic friend who they had met in Paris is the first to disappear and die. Since he is pretty decent guy who also has a 6 year old daughter, we feel bad for him. Then, we start to sympathize with the two guys as they refuse to believe that their friend would just leave them. Also, before they are taken, the guys start to show more depth and caring, ditching the hot chicks because they know something is wrong. I thought it was a pretty good manipulation of the audience's, or at least my, feelings.

The other element that I really liked was that the torture was not perpetrated by a single weirdo who lived in the town. It was a large scheme, in which people would be kidnapped by locals and wealthy international travellers paid them for the privelege of torturing and killing people. Instead of sex tourism, it is torture tourism. That was a very interesting development, especially since it is not only the ugly Americans who are being roped in to be tortured but also ugly Americans who are doing the torturing. This town is just making money off of the desires of foreigners.

I still don't think it was a very good movie, however.

Pretty Good Day

Alright, I don't really have much to report as of yet. I have had a very good couple of days. Nothing too trying or emotional or hard, just solid 7s (on a scale of one to ten, ten being amazingly unforgettably awsome.) No wild mood fluctuations. No horrible thoughts. Just consistently decent days during which I did things I had been putting off, though I didn't do as much as I had hoped I would. But I still did what needed to be done. And the only time where I kinda let myself down was when I didn't get up from my nap in time to go to watch movies with some friends in Lawrence, but I was also feeling miserable because of my allergies and hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, so I don't feel so bad.

So, why am I even writing, you might ask. I think this is the time when I usually start to slack off. Things are looking up so I just focus on the actual things I have to do and stop focusing on the internal, mental, emotional, spiritual things that I need to attend to just as much, if not more than the day-to-day stuff. It's hard to remember that I'm as fucked up as I know I am when I'm actually feeling decent. I just want to enjoy feeling decent. But I really need to enjoy feeling decent as I work on the things I really need to fix, or I'll never make any real progress.

Addicts

I started DBT today!!!!!!!!! Yeah. It is pretty good. The acronym stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Training Skills. Guess it should be DBTTS. The dialectical part means that you work on being ok with having feeling that seem to oppose each other at the same time. The behavioral part means that, unlike Freudian psychoanalysis where you talk for years to get to the root of a problem, you focus on changing your behavior, especially your coping mechanisms, to make your life and your mental problems better. All the people there were women and they seem to have varying degrees of "messed-up-ness". Only one person there is kinda weird and off-putting. But I think that I will learn alot and have a great deal of reinforcement in what I am trying to do.

As she was prepping dinner, I told Mom about the DBT and about how I thought it was going to help me. I also told her about the similarities that I saw between my depression and drug/alcohol addiction, especially when I was reading the blog posts by Kevin Smith about Jason Mewes. And she agreed. She went on to say that the behavior that I'm exhibitting (or not, when I'm not doing anything) is very similar to what my black sheep uncle did (maybe still does for all we know), even though his behaviors were rooted in drug and alcohol addiction. She said that he had the best of intentions to follow through on plans but it just never worked out that way. While it kinda made me sad, it also made me realize that I REALLY don't want to be like that.

Another inspirational story...blah, blah, blah

Ok, so, with the place I'm in right now, I'm a sucker for inspirational stories. And I'm noticing the weird parellels between other people's addictions and my depression, or at least how it affects the people around us. Even if you haven't read the rest of the story, this is the conclusion to Kevin Smith's story about Jason Mewes' journey to sobreity. And all you really need to know about the previous editions are that Mewes relapsed over and over again, no matter how many times Smith put him in rehab or made him promise he'd stay clean.
http://silentbobspeaks.com/?p=244
I guess the similarity that I see, which is something you've probably known for a long time, is that I can't promise I'll never be depressed and/or suicidial again and I can't do it for anybody but myself. I don't mean to trivialize what addicts go through and I think that their journey is a great deal harder than mine, but I see the similarities and I want to do it and do it for myself.

Everytime I Hear Your Name- Keith Anderson

This is such an awesome song. I hope that soon it will be true for me. At least the gettting over part.

Everytime I Hear Your Name-Keith Anderson
Fin'lly got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates an' back wood drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts:
Honky Tonks, restaurants.
An' seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
An' I can fin'lly smell your perfume an' not look around the room for you.
An' I can walk right by your picture in a frame an' not feel a thing.
But when I hear your name,

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
An' it's the fifth of May, an' I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
An' nothin's changed, an' we're still same.
An' I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
An' I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
An' that's all it takes, an' I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life: everyone thinks she'd make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she's the one: reminds him of Mom when she was young,
But it's way too soon to be talkin 'bout rings; don't wanna rush into anything.
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me an' you.
An' she talks about him every once in a while, an' I just nod my head an' smile,
'Cause I know exactly what she's goin' through: yeah, I've been there too.
An' when the conversation turns to you,

I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",
Kinda thought, an' your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back when I still go back.
An' there we are, a point down by the riverside,
An' I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,
An' that's all it takes, an' I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

So I'm thinkin' 'bout the words I left unsaid.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Stop tryin' the change the things I can't change.
(Every time I hear your name.)
In my heart I know you're gone, but in my head,

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
An' it's the fifth of May, an' I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
That's all it takes, an' I'm in that place.
An' there we are, a point down by the riverside,
An' I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time.
An' I can't explain, but I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.
Every time I hear your name.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
(Every time I hear your name.)
Ah ah.
Every time I hear your name

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=40206715

American Dreamz

So, tonight I went to a free early movie preview to see American Dreamz, with Hugh Grant, Mandy Moore, and Dennis Quaid. It was a funny, satirical look at American Idol-reality shows and also at the current presidential administration. I saw two big problems with the movie. The first was that the terrorism subplot was completely unbelievable. There is no way those people would not have been more thoroughly background-checked before the show, or, at least, after the show started by the American press. The other was that, while I think the jokes poking fun at the Bush-like president might stand the test of time, I do not think the Dick Cheney/Karl Rove chief-of-staff will be understood or appreciated 20 years from now. I might be wrong. Then, again, will this movie even be really watched in 20 years? I'm not saying anything against this movie, but what movies do we watch today that were made in 1986??? I really liked the interaction between Hugh Grant's producer character and Mandy Moore's manipulative contestant. It shows that even the most empty, hollow, manipulative people can connect with someone.

Bottom line: I would recommend it to people, as long as they aren't looking for something deep and meaningful and as long as they don't mind the current presidential administration being made fun of.

Happy

So tonight when we talked, I asked why he loved her. One of the things he said was that she was happy all the time. About a half hour ago as this was replaying itself in my head, I caught myself thinking, "If I'd just been happier!!!" But, for as tempting as that might seem, I can't do that.
1) I can't change the past. This is the current reality and I have to deal with that.
2) I can't compare myself to her. She is not the perfect woman anymore than I am. After he fell out of love with me, which happened LONG before she came around, he used our relationship as a learning tool and saw that he wanted someone who wasn't like me in ways X, Y, and Z. Good for him. That is growth. that is what I should do, what we all should do. I'm not BAD for not being her. She is herself and I am myself. He wanted something that was different, that was a better fit for him now.
3) I was not 'happy' when he fell in love with me. And I don't think I'll ever be 'happy' as a constant state of being. I don't think I want to be happy. I want a fulfilling life. I want to live within my means and comfortably. I want to love and be loved. but I also want to be challenged and to be challenging, to be tough, to not be easy, to strive, to be an aggitator, to never stop fighting the good fights. So I need to work on being ok with the fact that I will never/could never be her and thus could never be what he wants now. And that's ok.

Amazing Blog Post about Race

The post below is a really interesting post about how (and why) life for black people in America has gotten worse in many ways for black people since the 50's and 60's. I had never really read this blog, but I will now. In the post, he talks about how he encourages both blacks and whites who see these problems to engage in a civil discourse about what they see and ways to make it better without automatically saying that it is about racism. It definately make me think about alot of conversations Sir and I have had and all the ones I hope we have in the future.
http://thatcoloredfellasweblog.bloghorn.com/598


Oh, and in case you missed it on Fark, really REALLY cool article about one of my favorite musical entertainers, a great musician and an awesome person--http://www.lsj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060414/COLUMNISTS09/604140348/1007/ARCHIVES

Check out these Asshats in my Home State

http://www.kansas.com/mld/kansas/living/education/14331100.htm
So, one of the asshats from the Board of Education who approved of intelligent design being taught in our state's schools right next to evolution is objecting to a picture of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What an idiot!!!!!!!!!

New Set of Rules

So, Sir and I are trying to find a way to meet in the middle on alot of these issues. We really want to salvage our friendship and strengthen it. Sir needs me to get over him, or at least to a point where not having him doesn't hurt me so much. Frankly, I need it too. I still want Sir to be my spiritual and life guide, but Sir needs for me not to look to him to micromanage my every move I make. Sir likes to deal with problems by taking lots of time and space, so I want him to feel like he has that, especially since he also has lots to deal with already. On the other hand, I want to talk to him as much as possible and have him involved in my life and what I am doing and working on. So, this is what I came up with and Sir thought it was a good idea. I feel REALLY good right now. I think I can keep this up, at least for a few months until we can start acting like real friends.

• E-mail Sir my day-to-day boring stuff. Blog lots about interesting things that I am thinking about, goals, hopes, things in the works.
• Call anytime if there is an emergency or if Sir needs to talk about his gf/her illness. Otherwise: Sir, text before calling if he just wants to talk to make sure I'm not having a bad day when talking would hurt both of us; Ava, meditate for 15 minutes before calling with my expectations of Sir giving me something.
• Ava will read books about breaking up and getting over, and also meditate on letting go/not grasping. Sir will talk about his relationship with Ava just as he would with anyone else, so that big things don't seem like such surprises and Ava can get used to this reality. If Ava can't deal with something, she will politely excuse herself from the conversation for a while.

I hope that us doing this will help to strengthen our friendship and ourselves.

Rascal Flatts- I'm Moving On

I'm definately not here yet, but I really want to be and I'm going to work really hard to be here. But I can't move on until I deal with what I'm moving on from. That would just be running away and I refuse to do that again.

"I'm Moving On"
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Abstinence-Only Sex Ed

The board of education in my current home state is going to start debating whether or not to impliment a state-wide policy of abstinence-only sexual education. If this passed, any public school that did not teach abstinence-only sex ed would risk losing accreditation. This great idea is brought to you by the same board of education that debated whether or not intelligent design should be taught in biology classes side by side with evolution last year.

Sir has slightly differing views on this topic than I do, as he went to a high school where the very poor teaching staff tried to educate them about contraception because they did not feel that ANYONE in the class would wait to have sex. Their teachings did not stick with all the young men and women in the class because many produced children long before graduation. It is understandable coming from his background that he would want sex ed that focused on the possibilities and benefits of abstinence until marriage, or at least until after high school graduation. I completely agree that schools should focus on all the benefits of postponing sex.

But I also do not think that abstinence, ok, let me re-phrase, complete celibacy, is an option for most people. As much as it might be a necessary choice for monastics, is it not the normal or natural way for people to live for their entire lives. Sooner or later, most people will have some sort of sex with another person. In this day and age, sexual contact can result in pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases. Even if you are involved in a monogamous relationship, there is no guarantee that your partner is. Also, even if you postpone sex until marriage, as long as that sex is with a member of the opposite sex, there is a risk of pregnancy, which you might not want right at the beginning of your marriage. So, there should be some sort of sexual education that teaches people how to postpone childbearing and how to protect themselves against diseases. I would love to think that all parents can and will give their children accurate information on their health and their bodies, but even if most parents wanted to educate their children on these topics, they might not be able to find the most accurate information or understand it and relay this to their children. So, shouldn't schools be pushed to provide the most accurate information on all aspects of health in the appropriate health classes?

I also wonder what the politicians who are pushing this policy think the result will be of only telling children to abstain from sex and giving them scary information about all the diseases they could get without telling them that those diseases can be avoided. One recent trend is the increase in oral AND ANAL sex among teenagers who still consider themselves virgins. Many of these teenagers have taken virginity pledges and believe that they are abiding by them by ABSTAINING from vaginal intercourse. But these teenagers are in no way celibate in the way that the adult sponsors of the virginity pledges imagine they will be after taking the pledge. While you might be able to blame the "oral sex isn't really sex" idea on Bill Clinton, you can't do the same thing for anal sex. This kind of abstaining actually puts teenagers at an increased risk of transmitting STDs, especially if they don't use condoms during anal sex.

Also, these same politicians who are pushing abstinence-only sex ed are some of the same politicians who are making it harder for women to get contraception and abortions, making it especially hard for non-rich women. Wouldn't this result in more poor women raising more children and relying on the government for support? Isn't another goal of these politicians to get women off welfare so that the government is smaller? Is it just me or do these things not go together?

I think my head is going to explode.

Manic Morning Thoughts

I am still up becuse I had to go to the Kansas License Bureau to get my car registered in my name and get a new plate and because I didn't get home from Christopher's until 4am. I'm kinda wired and wanted to job down somehtings before I try to sleep.

1. Added to the Life Map- Lifelong goals Section- I want to own a piano and play it frequently
2. There is something very exciting about knowing someone wants you, even if it is just your body. Maybe this stems from bad self-image, maybe most people don't get this excited because they know/think they are attractive enough and are secure in that. But knowthing that an attractive and interesting man wants to have sex with me enough that he disregards the fact that I'm not at all prissied up or shaved and sneaks me in makes me feel amazing. I don't dislike him but I'm also not into HIM as much as other guys, it is feeling like this. Knowing someone, especially someone so attractive and experienced, wants me gives me the confidence to pursue other things. It even makes it easier when I'm talking to other people/girls who I might want to date because, if they don't like me, at least I know it isn't because I'm some repulsive beast.
3. Lately, I've felt really devoid of 'grown-up'-ness. I felt more capable and in charge of my own life, more adult, when I was 17 than I have recently. While I probably have a skewed perspective, nothing feels as grown-up as driving 30 minutes at midnight to have sex with your new lover, especially when you haven't notified anyone in the house you are leaving.
4. In this day and age, shouldn't we have a new word to replace 'lover'? Because lover implies love. Sex partner is too clinical. Friends with benefits is too cliched and implies that you have a friendship. And fuck-buddy is too vulgar. There needs to be another word...
5. I think there is something to me about driving that is both very adult and very freeing. The 'freeing' aspect is probably fairly obvious. Open road ahead, dream of just driving off, time alone and in charge of this big machine, singing loudly, rush of speed. The adult part, for me, probably stems from the fact that, from the time we moved to KC from Chicago, I thought that, once I had a car, a way to get to any city I wanted and to get to and from a job once I got there, I could do anything in the work. All I needed was that car and then a job and a place to live would be easy to find and keep. That is probably another part of the freedom equation.
6. I just fully realized why it was so important to my mom that this car be MINE free and clear. Thanks Mom.

Life Map

General and Ongoing Work
Therapy/DBT/becoming non-suicidal & non-depressed
Meditation & Spirituality
Writing
Developing and keeping friendships/relationships

Next Month
Start DBT therapy
Get low-pay low-stress job
File taxes
License car
Start exercising, even just walking outside
Start meditating regularly

Next Six Months
Save enough money for emergency cushion
Start paying my own cell bill
Buy my own computer
Go to Planned Parenthood, get checkup & STD tests, birth control pills
Go out once a week to LGBT place/event & talk to at least two people (book group, bar, event, etc)
Go to KC PRIDE

Next Six Months- One Year
Finish DBT
Start to get healthy physically/emotionally/spirituality
Keep job & Keep up with bills, general life-stuff
Get off the acid reflux meds
Have casual dates with girls I'd like to get to know better
Start school again OR Get better paying job

Next Five Years
Get a Bachelor's Degree-including journalism courses, tough grammar courses, editing courses
Move out of basement & into my own place
Work full-time job, be self-supporting
Pay back parents
Start paying down loans

Life-Long Goals, starting after 5 years
Job A: self-supporting writer
Job B: editor & keep writing
Move to new city (not because I'm running away)
Take care of children
A-My own children, after 30, with life partner, financially able, one parent stays with child
B-Foster children, after 30, financially able, time to devote to helping them
C-Volunteer efforts involving disadvantaged children
Do volunteer work/activism work-women's rights, LGBT rights, stray puppies & kitties
Live comfortably, with-in my own means
Own my own house/apt/condo
Own my own piano and play it frequently

Before I Die
Be published
Travel, see another coast/country/continent
Live comfortably, have money saved for retirement/late life
Feel like I've made a difference in the world
Feel like I've taught something valuable to others
Take care of my family, parents & children
Buy a NEW car

Lyrics- Walk Away - Kelly Clarkson

Ok, so usually, I am fairly anti-pop music, especially because the last decade of pop music has been awful. And I'm also not a fan of ANY reality show, especially American Idol. But I am really liking Kelly Clarkson, especially her break-up songs.

You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can say, oh

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, heyJust walk away
Just walk awayJust walk away

I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today

HeyI'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
Of my desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?'
Cause if you don't then just leave

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away

If you don't have the answer
Walk away
Just walk away
Then just leave
Yeah yeah
Walk away
Walk away
Walk away

Fear or Desire

I recently heard a writer discussing character motivation. This writer, and I wish I could remember who said this but I can't, said that one of their writing teachers told them that every character, deep down, is driven by either desire or fear, that every character is either running to something or running away from something.

But aren't they really the same thing?

Story Idea

Generally, a young woman decides to be a prostitute as a job. I have lots of story written in my head about how she goes about it, all the steps she goes through to set-up her body and her manners and her intelligence to be more appealling -> setting up a front business -> keep lists of clients in case something happens to her, etc. But there are a number of things left unanswered to write and actual story.
-Who is this girl? What was her upbringing? Was it highly dysfunctional? If so, does she even realize that it was dysfunctional? How does that come out in the story? Is she a reliable narrator? How do I make her a sympathetic character while not making it a story where ALL the reader does is pity her?
-Why does she do this instead of some other regular job? Or even something legal, like stripping? Glamour? Money? Power? Manipulation? How does she cope with trading her body for money? What starts her on this journey, what event in her life? What does she plan on doing when she can't do this anymore?
-How to frame the story? I want a first-person narrative of her telling her story, but why is she telling this story? To whom is she telling it? or does it even need a framing device?
--Most important--What is the plot of the story? I'm building, or at least trying to build, a great character, but where does this story go? After she becomes who she wants to be, what does she do with that? How does she feel? Does this come back to bite her in the ass or does she live a happy life?

The Suffering- Coheed & Cambria

Is there a word or right to say
Even in this old fashioned way?
Go make your move, girl
I'm not coming home

Would things have changed if I could've stayed?
Would you have loved me either way?
Dressed to the blues.
Day to day with my collar up.

Decision sits so make it quick
A breath inhaled from an air so sick
I cursed the day I had learned
Of the web you spun...
You had your hold till bleeding

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've never walked out
So until the sun burns out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Would we have lived as a child would care?
With this vial to drink I dare(Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with your taste on tongue (Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving? Bye)

Should we try this again with hope? (Bye, bye)
Or is it lost, give up the ghost
And should I die all alone as I knew I would...
Then burn in hell young sinner

Hey, Hey! (Ha ha)
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Hey, Hey!If it was up to me (you had your hold)
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me (give up the ghost)
I would've never walked out (Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
So until the sun burns out (Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving?)
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in
And you're not coming in

To hear, go to my myspace page----http://www.myspace.com/bigrrladriene

Update: Changed song on my myspace page but you can still hear it if you go to http://www.myspace.com/coheedandcambria . It's the second song of the four. Also, Favor House Atlantic is a good song too.

Bars

There always comes a point in the night when I realize that no one there is there to dance with me. And that I'll never be half of one of those cute or sexy couples dancing together.

X-Files....

Ok, so TNT has been getting on my nerves lately because of how they show the same show back to back to back, but they actually showed two of my favorite X-Files episodes back to back.

Milagro-about the crazy writer who is in love with Scully

The Unnatural-starring Jesse L. Martin (I never knew I'd love him SO much when I first saw this episode! Star of Rent and Law and Order), about the black player for the Roswell Grays who was really an alien

What Comes After Gray???

Ok, so what comes after gray? I think I might be there now. I'm not ready to say I'm ok. I'm just ready to try and I have a small idea of a plan. Though I already talked it over with my bestfriend and loyal guide, Sir, I want to get my small idea of a plan down.

Start the DBT therapy and stick with it for the full year.
Get a small, inconsequential, part-time job.
Keep my bills and spending low and under-control. Bills: student loans, car insurance, Netflix. Spending: Just a little on visiting family, hanging out with friends. Save: for rainy day, for school, for moving out.
Buy a cheaper but decent desktop computer so that I can, with little or no extra money spent- chat online, download and burn music, make copies of DVDs that I like. This will cut down on buying music and movies right now when I am broke and/or saving for other stuff.
Don't do too much -> Crashing and burning.
Don't worry about when I go back to school, just don't do anything that will prevent me from going back-like taking a big full-time job or having a child.
WRITE!
Catch-up on movies and books, as I feel like it.

So, I don't think I'm in the gray right now. I guess I just AM.

Post Full of Great Links about Abortion & Contraception

http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2006/03/this-weeks-reading.html

What Hurts the Most--Feeling Like I Can't Go 'Home'

I slept all day, letting my afternoon nap run long into the night, thinking that I would just sleep through until the morning and I could start fresh. Unfortunately, I woke up at 11pm and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I've been reading crime novels since then because I start to cry everytime I'm not busy because I think about you and your new girlfriend. The book I just started is set in St. Louis, which isn't really helping my mood.

As I think about you and your new girlfriend, I feel like I can't come back 'home'. To my hometown, St. Louis, where I was born, where my family gathers monthly, usually with a celebratory excuse, like a birthday. Since I've known you, when I was not living in St. Louis but only visit, seeing you was also a major reason for these visits. As you debate whether or not you will agree to see only me next Saturday, I realize that I haven't seen my grandparents since January, the last time I was there to visit you before you got your new girlfriend. I have passed up visits in between because I was afraid I would be unable to stop myself from acting in a stupid and stalker-ly fashion towards you and your girlfriend. But I also know that I can't let you take over the city that has been the closest thing to 'home' I have ever known. Even when my apartment was burglarized just before I turned 18, that was were I ran to seek comfort and security, when I did not feel secure anywhere else. And now I feel like that has been taken away from me. Your new girlfriend's family even lives in the same suburb where my grandparents live, where I was raised. It makes me sick to my stomach to imagine sitting at their kitchen table, attempting to celebrate, while you are somewhere in that same city, holding her. It makes me happy we did not hang out in that town alot, so that I know you can't share as many places with her, so that i know there might still be spots there in that suburb that are all mine, that you cannot give to her as well.

Yesterday or the day before, I watched a show on the food network where the chef Mario Batali, known for his Italian cuisine, traveled to different cities and highlighted their Italian specialties. Of course, he went to St. Louis and the Hill, to highlight toasted ravioli. I guess I never really realized that it is something you find only in St. Louis, but it seems to be. It made me think about all the places that will no longer be special to US but special to the two of you. I imagine, if given enough time together, you'll take her to every special place that you took me to, writing over all the memories that we made of those places together and replacing them with these new memories. Then, those memories will only be special to me. And I don't feel like I'll ever be able to go back to those places again, because I won't even see the memories that we made, I'll see the memories I imagine you making or imagine you have made there already with her.

I want my hometown back. But, like you, it seems it now belongs to her too.

Two Stages of Depression

First stage--Black
This is where you are totally and completely submerged in the bleak darkness of the depression. Besides possibly talking to your closest friend about how depressed you are, you don't want to do anything. You feel like a complete failure who the world would be better off without. You don't get out of bed. You don't eat(nor do you really want to). The only thing I consistantly feel like doing is masturbating but I'm usually too down to actually do it. The least little thing will send you over the edge and into deciding to kill yourself right now. Or maybe tomorrow when you don't feel as tired.

Second stage--Gray
This is where you are not quite ready to move on and help yourself, but the depression isn't so bleak and all consuming. This is when your sleep cycle gets really messed up. Instead of sleeping all the time,as you did in the first stage, you have a very hard time getting to sleep. You stay up until all hours of the night, not watching anything or catching up on movies, but just flipping channels. You also do this for most of the day. When you have a computer that you can use while you are watching TV, you also aimless wander the internet and keep your instand messenger on, hoping that someone you know will talk to you. Since you are up late, unable to sleep, you also sleep late, tossing and turning. Also, even if you wake up early in the afternoon, you don't want to get out of bed either, so you lay there.

Guess which stage I'm in right now?

Liberator?

Who are you? What are your intentions? Are you the liberator or the oppressor?

The oppressor- the man who does what I've always feared a man would do. The one who sweet talks me, seems sincere and adventurous in his desire for me. The one who leaves as soon as we've had sex, as soon as he's gotten what he wanted and planned to get all along. Sure, he might come back, time and time again, but only for more sex. The cuddling and romance once promised never materialize and he moves on once he finds a better lay or finds real romance,

The liberator- the man who does what I've always desired a man to do. The one who helps me explore all my sexual desires, who is experienced enough not to be a clumsy oaf while doing it. The one who respects my fantasies, even the dirtiest and kinkiest of them, and never makes me feel bad or ashamed of them. The one who liberates me from my slightly more conservative sexual values. The one who respects me but doesn't let that get in the way of the exploration. the one I don't have to fall in love with to have great sex with. The one I can learn from on my way to the lifetime partnership with someone who is less dangerous and mysterious, more stable and secure, who I can approach already having the knowledge of what fantasies are best left that way and what desires to bring into every bed.

As I monitor my desires to decide how to proceed, I must also monitor your intentions. So, who are you?

The One Doing the Holding Vs. The One Being Held

I have been dark for awhile, but I'm back with a vengence. Having to deal with deep suicidal depression will take it right out of you, I'm telling you. Also, I started a new relationship (and ended it also). I'm trying to learn from all these experiences. Here is the first real substantial thing that I can say I now know.

I really like being the one who is held. I do not like being the one doing the holding.

In straight relationships, there isn't much of a question as to what position each person person holds. Men are the ones doing the holding and women are the ones being held. That isn't to say that women don't hold men when they need it, but, mostly, this is how the relationship goes. When I asked my bestfriend T, he affirmed that, unless he is having real issues, he feels uncomfortable being the one being held. When I brought this up to my straight female therapist, she said, "You know, I don't really see what I would get out of being the one doing the holding. Men must get something out of it, but I don't really see what that would be."

So far, it seems that issue is a bit more cloudy in lesbian relationships. Popular gay shows like The L Word make it seem like lesbian relationships are, on the whole, completely equal, with both partners being the femme ones. While I have only watched the first three episodes of season three, it seems obvious that most of the lesbians on the show think that Moirra and her butchness/dominantness makes her a smalltown, smallminded throwback. In fact, until I actually met other lesbians, I thought lesbain relationships would be much like those on the L Word.

Thus, I didn't think it would be a big deal to date a femme bi girl who had previously had LTRs with more butch/dom women. We could just be equals, or I could try to play up my more butch/dom side. She was also shorter than me so it would be easier to be the more butch one. It did not work at all. While she liked being held, I felt isolated and alone and uncomfortable. I realized that the butch/dom side of the relationship entailed things that were completely different from the other side of the relationship, things I didn't know and didn't feel able to do. It also ruined the chemistry on my end. I was not sexually interested in the relationship at all (which takes a whole lot for me!!) Some might say that might be because I am not really attracted to women, but I haven't had that experience with other, more butch/dom women.

So, the moral of this story--- I like being the one being held and I need to find a woman that likes to do the holding.

Discussion Topics for Sunday-Take 1

Just some things I thought about at work today, in no particular order.

How much should one change their speech, clothes, manner for a job, to do that job 'correctly'? I can understand and agree with the idea that people should speak proper English for a professional job, especially when the have to talk to the public. But what about their voice? If they sound too gay or too foreign or too southern? I also understand professional dress. Especially in today's current working environment, people will wear anything if you don't tell them they can't. But should we all look alike, like clones, even wearing the uniform in the same way? What is the plus side of that? What is the down side of that? I also understand people developing and practicing more professional etiquette but when does that push out commraderie and fun that one has to have at least a little of to put up with your job everyday? [I was thinking about this today as I was listening to one fellow trainee who was practicing scheduling pick-ups. There are no 'scripts' persay but there is 'preferred phrasing'. After at least five days of working on this, this person still spoke in incomplete sentences and was completely unprofessional. How can anyone think this is ok? But where does this wipe out your identity?]

Funny story-Here at my new job at a large shipping company, we ship a good deal of stuff for the government. We even have a special "Government Desk" to handle those shipments. When scheduling a pick-up, we are taught to ask what they are shipping, often to ensure that it is not something hazardous that we can not ship, or, if it is HazMat that we do ship, it has proper paperwork. Our trainer was telling us today that the government often ships packages that are highly secured and have to be watched at all times, though the government never tells us what is really in the packages. Once, when a container was damaged and we had to repack it, the government quickly demanded the photos that had been taken to document what had happened (routine for damaged packages). Our trainer said that, on the government desk, they were instructed to ask "And are you shipping ELECTRONICS, as usual, today?" Unless it has any hazardous goods, they always say yes.

How big of a deal should it be if your significant other, or potential SO, smokes weed? In what ways is smoking weed different (or, really, worse) than drinking alcohol? As long as neither is a problem in their life, should it be a deal breaker? And how come everyone I know smokes weed?

Writing--"My next first kiss"

Waiting on my semi-blind date to show up, but I can't help thinking about you. One might never remember the last kiss, mostly because they never think it will be their last one. But one always remembers the first. You weren't even my last first kiss, but, as I hope for my next first kiss, I still think about ours. Wonder how this one will be different. Better. Worse. More awkward. The beginning of something or a failed test drive.

Two men at a nearby table are, I think, having their first date. The older, white gentleman is talking about trying to build a relationship with his ex. I really hope I don't talk about you like this to my date. His date is a beautiful dreadlocked black man who looks a decade younger than the other man. He reminds me of Steve Ewing, which of course reminds me of you.

I keep trying to dream of "my future life dream", the new one I need. The one that doesn't include you. Or anyone else for that matter. At least not romantically. Last night, I told you I want you to push me to move away from the Midwest when I finish up schooling here. To move where I know no one, or at least not like I know people here. I like thinking it will be San Francisco, gay-central, 60s all year round, sea right there. You liked the idea too. I wonder about what kind of life I'd have to show you when you've visited, what places, what friends. I bet we'd find excellent sushi there. Maybe by then I'll be able to pay for it. Published author- novels, short fiction, and essays/freelance articles for magazines. A small but cozy house, hopefully NOT a fixer-upper, but still in the city, or close enough to it. Or a comfy loft or apartment that I own, outright. Full of books. Full of the best and newest technology. Lots of movies on DVD, or whatever is the latest way of keeping films. Comfy chairs all around ( I really like chairs and recliners more than couches, but I'm sure I'll have at least one of those, just to make out on.). Enough acquaintance to get invited to parties and have fun but not too many that i don't have any time to myself. A few very close friends to lean on when I need it, who I can be devoted to also. But I hope that you'd still be my bestfriend, visiting often. Maybe you'd move out here for a good job. You'd be my relief from the lesbian drama and all my self-importance. My link to a past where I was just another girl, where I wasn't known at all, where I wasn't a published writer. I hope to exercise every few days. Meditate daily and be a real part of a sangha. Have a semi-strict writing schedule. Have a piano that I play regularly. Have a big bed. Have big windows. Maybe how to cook food that is better for me. Be healthy and comfortable in my skin, physically and emotionally, even if I'm not average or thin. Be open to love but not grasping at it, feel like I'm nothing without it. Know more about myself sexually. Be politically and socially involved in all kinds of stuff. No kids myself but helping underpriveleged children maybe.

NO KIDS. Weird concept. All the time I was sleeping with men, I never doubted that I'd have kids. With you, I felt early on that I wanted to have your children, that it would be a privelege, though we didn't have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy because we didn't have sex. Before that, I was sure I'd have kids before I was ever ready. Now that I'm only seeing women in my future (or your celibate self, unfortunately I do still want that, but I'm trying), I'm free of that worry. It feels oddly liberating, but also wrong, transgressive. I suppose it still is transgressive. Most women still say they want kids, someday at least. Even lesbians, maybe especially lesbians, dream of creating families. But then who takes care of you, if you don't have kids? It's not like I have siblings & neices/nephews to take care of me. But, on the other hand, my kids would probably just push me into an impersonal nursing home where I'd just wait to die. How depressing! The freedom of your life belonging to you is the trade-off of dying alone. One never thinks of this when they are planning on dying young, any day now, from a much mourned though always expected suicide.

I hope that I leave somehting indelable behind, even if I end up dying childless in a nursing home, alone. A revered book read centuries later that changes lives. Do you think anything written centuries before can be life changing, life saving? Ok, so maybe just read a few decades later. Interesting essays that work as historical reference for future students wanting an intelligent discussion of some aspect of contemporary life-LGBT issues, politics, feminism, art, music, anything.

I wish I could draw so I could visualize my new dream. I have to develop a dream that is without a romance, or a clearly defined significant other. So that it can by my rock, my solid ground for my future, no matter how crazy my current life is- something to drive me when the current work seems too much. All I have at this moment is a face-less date and your assurance that you believe I could be the best, kindest person you've ever known.

Still waiting for my next first kiss.

Wise Words x3

Three phrases of wisdom that are really helping me right now:

Life doesn't give you more than you can handle.-T

When it's time to go, you know.- My Mom

Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.- movie Weatherman (though this is a variation on something that T has said many times)

Little Past Little Rock- Lee Ann Womack

How I feel as I get off work tonight. Wish I was taking that drive out to larger Midwestern city, just to enjoy putting miles behind me. But I'll go for a long drive this weekend here. I'm glad I'm not putting myself into what I know will be disaster.

Little Past Little Rock- Lee Ann Womack
I had to leave my life in Dallas
That town will always be you
In every crowd, on every corner
In every face I'd see you
So with nothin' more than a tank of gas
I drove away without lookin' back
And I guess that's how I got where I am
And goin' anywhere as fast as I can

And I'm a little past Little Rock
Further down the line
Too soon to know what's up ahead
Too late to change my mind
I gotta keep my heart out of this
and both hands on the wheel
I'm learnin' more with every mile
just how leavin' feels
It's a lonely stretch of blacktop out into the blue
Don't know where I'll go or what I'll do
I'm a little past Little Rock
But a long way from over you

These headlights on the highway
Disappear into the dark
And if I could have my way
I'd go back to where you are
Oh, but I can't turn this thing around
And nothing short of breaking down
Is gonna get me off this road I'm on
Oh, and I'm still a far cry from gone

And I'm a little past Little Rock
Further down the line
Too soon to know what's up ahead
Too late to change my mind
I gotta keep my heart out of this and both hands on the wheel
I'm learnin' more with every mile just how leavin' feels
It's a lonely stretch of blacktop out into the blue
Don't know where I'll go or what I'll do
I'm a little past Little Rock
But a long way from over you

Broken Road- Rascal Flatts

To whoever I end up with, I'll think of meeting you every time I hear this.

Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Chorus:Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

Things That Are Me

So, you build your life up from the bottomless pit that is your depression with alot of help and guidance from a wonderful significant other. You think that you will never fall back into the depths of sorrow that you once felt. You separate from that significant other but remain VERY close friends. While you don't quite think you are over this person, you do not think it is that big of a deal. They date other people but it doesn't seem to bother you TOO much. (The dates don't go so well, though, so that might be part of it.) And then your former significant other, who you still feel is the love of your life and who you are confident you will be back with someday, finds someone else. The day they meet, they start dating exclusively. And this new person seems well matched with your former SO and they seem truly wonderful. Your world falls apart. You feel like nothing is worth doing or striving for without the possibility of a future with this person. You feel like you are losing all your progress. You worry that all you've been is just a mirror of the person you were with. All you want is that feeling back. But you can't have it.

So, what do you do? You start from scratch, kinda. Or at least that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep a constantly updating list of things that I feel are me and not just what I reflect from other people. I am going to try not to throw anything out just because I associate it with someone else, but I am going to disregard the things that I feel I ONLY do because of others expectations of me.

Qualities
Smart
Passionate
Sexual
Bi-Sexual
Left-wing, liberal, progressive
Outspoken
Curious
Intelligent
Lead by emotion more than my head, for better and for worse


Hobbies
Movie Watching-good and bad, not Napolean Dynamite-sorry T, indie, foreign, obscure, gay, sexual
Like being knowledgable about pop culture
Love reading
Have to write
Meditating
Singing loudly to the radio
Exercise, when I feel up to it



Likes
Food-italian, sushi, junk food, fruit, chocolate, seafood, sugared soda, alcohol-not too strong, Mtn. Dew and Coke Classic
Music-indie, country, classic rock, funky romantic stuff
Scented candles
Being warm
Poetry
Art, art theory

Dislikes
Watching sports
Football
Sports video games
Indecision (in other people)
Sean Hannity
Tequila
Dieting


Things I want to be
Compassionate
Hardworking, not Lazy
Independent
Loyal
Well-read
Not suicidal
Logical, or more logical anyway
Financially comfortable
A published author
A partner to someone I love and who is in love with me

A Time of Change

Right now, my life seems to be changing a great deal.

I just started a new job, which, despite how orientations and training make you NOT want to work for a new company, I am looking forward to working at for a long time, especially because of their great benefits, which include tuition reimbursement after the first year of working there. It might not be a job that I love, but it is a job that I can move up in while still not having to take anything home and still being able to write. Unlike my last job, where we weren't allowed to write anything because of security fears, I doubt anyone will mind or even notice if I am jotting stuff down throughout the day, as long as I am doing my job.

My ex and bestfriend, T/Sir, just got a new girlfriend. It went quickly from exchanging e-mails to them being exclusive, all within about a week. While we've technically been broken up for a year and we've both had a few dates since then, we are still the closest person either has, with the exception of family. Also, while I have a few friends, T is really my only close friend. It is hard to realize how much is going to change. I feel like I am losing the most important person in my life, even though I know he does not intend to leave my life. He will have less time for me, because he necessarily has to spend some of that time on cultivating this relationship. I worry about being all alone. I worry that I will lose all the progress I've made emotionally and spiritually with him. I worry that I will get into destructive relationships just so that I can be in one. But I can't imagine my life without his friendship and, as he's one stubborn guy, I have to abide by his rules to continue our friendship. When I think of him as just my friend, I realize that I do want him to do this relationship in the best way he can and I do hope that he has a good and fulfilling relationship with his new girlfriend (so weird to call someone else that!) . But when I think about him as my ex and as someone that I do still want to be with, it nearly kills me.

But on the theory that nothing gets you over the last one like the next one, I am trying to take more chances in meeting people and trying to date them. I hardly never approach people in person that I am attracted to and would like to get to know better. I really want that to change. Also, I have been only pursuing dating with women. While I plan on focusing on dating women, I am trying to leave myself open to men that I am interested in or who might be interested in me. This is hard for me also. I don't naturally trust people and I expect the worst from them. This is probably because of my own shortcomings. Also, I am deeply afraid that I will change to be with someone and stop following my own path. Not all of us can be as lucky as T and find someone that is also trying to be on a path the first time out of the gate. I'm afraid that I don't know who the real me is right now and that I will try to find the real me in who they want me to be.

With all this change, there has to be a home to come back to, a place to rest away from all this chaos. That used to be my relatiohship with T and, in part, it may still be. But I was reading a book T bought me years ago again called If the Buddha Dated, and it really helped reinforce that I need to try to cultivate my spiritual life because it will be my greatest refuge through all this and it will help me work through the rest of my issues. So once again, I have to recommit myself to working on myself, spiritually and emotionally, or it is all going to fall apart. And I'm almost back to where I started.

Couples Who Should Break-Up

Do you have friends who are in a relationship but they are completely wrong for each other? They are both good people and you are friends with them as a couple, or do not have a preference for one member of the couple over the other. They don't necessarily hurt each other but it is obvious to you that they are just not compatable. What do you do? Do you try to tell them? Do you think they already know, especially because it is so obvious to you? I wonder if I've ever been one of those people in the relationship and no one told me.

Notes on Film-"Gate of Flesh"

Saturday, I watched Gate of Flesh, a film by Japanese director Seijin Suzuki. I had learned about his movies in an Entertainment Weekly DVD section last year when Criterion, who primarily put out classy extra-filled DVDs of classic foreign and independent films. Though all the movies seem to be kinda weird 1950-1960s Japanese B-movies, I must have been intrigued when I read the article because I wrote it down. Plus, there must be something interesting about htem for Criterion to release them. So, Gate came from Netflix. It is a 1964 movie, a lurid tale about a group of prostitutes in post-WWII Japan whose group dynamic and unity fall apart when a male thief takes refuge with them. It has a lot of profanity and nudity, which is cleverly hidden by shadows. It also has two scenes where the prostitutes punish, by whipping, other prostitutes within the group who have broken their cardinal rule against having sex with any man for free. These scenes are brutal but also shown to be sexual. To be honest, I didn't see what all the fuss was about. So, I watched the interviews with the director and his production designer shot for this re-release and that helped shed a little light on it. To me, the movie reminded me of stylized American westerns and French films from that time. Both director and production designer made this 'adult release' movie under contract to the film studio and were only given a B-movie budget to work with. But the production designer who had also studied theatrical (and not just film) production design used theater set tricks and old plywood that the studio was going to throw away anyway (so there was no expense) to build the bombed-out Tokyo set on the backlot which was not entirely realistic but had emotional and symbolic resonance. The director also infused the movie with the sadness of the defeated Japan and a resentment of the American influence in post-war Japan. That is what really made it unique when it could have just been a lurid B-movie.

Read This!

Great blog post by Maverick's owner Mark Cuban about the current state of the movie/theater industry. As a theater owner, he has some interesting things to say. (He owns Landmarks Theater chain, which owns the Tivoli, Plaza Frontenac, and Highpoint Theaters in St. Louis, which I absolutely love!!!) I don't know a great deal about him as a business man or sports franchise owner, but I really like what he has to say here.
This is a link
Wish I knew how to make the link without it showing the address like other bloggers do, but I'm computer illiterate. T, please help.

To Shave or Not to Shave

As a woman-who-would-like-to-sleep-with-women (as I'm not currently sleeping with anyone), this is an important question. It's not like "What is the meaning of life?" big, but it is fairly large.

Traditionally, I've always thought that lesbians would be more feminist or women-centered than most women. I've never thought that all feminists were lesbians, but I think I always thought that lesbians were feminsts. (I've since learned that this is definately not the case, but I'll talk about that later.) I was reading Female Chauvinist Pigs a few days ago and the author, Ariel Levy, even discussed how many radical feminists thought that feminist women could only have lesbian sexual relationships because heterosexual relationships were inherantly oppressive. Since these were also women who wanted to get rid of traditional views of beauty that they thought came from what men likes and that men used to control women (bras, constrictive clothing, shaving legs & underarms, make-up, etc), I would think they would not have wanted their lovers to shave their pubic hair. In fact, if they slept with a woman who did have a shaved bush, I would think they would feel that woman was not politically aligned with them.

When I was talking to another lesbian friend of mine months ago, we'll call her N, she brought up another point that I might not have thought of. She was dating a woman who insisted that she shave all her pubic hair and thought it was sexy to shave N herself. N did not like her girlfriend shaving her and didn't really like being shaved at all. When she talked to other friends, both male and female, all her friends thought that it was weird. While they all understood trimming, they thought that it was going too far to ask a woman to shave it all off. A few of her friends remarked that a fully shaved woman would really look more like a prepubescent girl, and they didn't want to sleep with girls.

Growing up, I always shaved my legs and armpits and bikini line. I had never really thought to shave my pubic hair until I was with ex-J. He liked porn and, before me, those were the only girls he had ever seen naked. All porn chicks are either totally shaved or have a Brazilian wax and the rest is very trimmed. I tried to do that for him, but I didn't really like how it felt or looked. Later, when I told T about this, he said, "Why would a guy want his girlfriend to look like a porno star? He should want her to look like a real woman." But in ex-J's mind, that is what real women looked like.

Now I have a small but uninhibited group of lesbian friends. Last week, over Friday night drinks, we discussed this topic. They are all shaved and they all expect their lovers to be shaved as well. They even seemed a little offended at the notion that, just because they like completely shaved bushes, they maybe liked prepubescent girls. L's response was, "When I get done going down on a girl, I don't want to have to pick hair out of my teeth." I can definately understand where they are coming from on this topic. I have also realized that, to them, their identity as lesbians is completely about who they fuck (other women) and not about politics or feminism.

So, my question is--Should I make this decision based on practical matters? Political ideals? Or should I just wait until I get a lover and do whatever she likes?

A Life Less Ordinary

Growing up, I was always either rebelling or wanting to rebel. I never really wanted a normal life. All my dreams revolved around living a strange life. Unfortunately, since I read and watched too much horror, very few of my dreams were grounded in any achievable reality, or none that I know of yet.

Since meeting T, I started to come around, kinda. I saw his parents, who are happily married after, well, more than 25 years now. His family is pretty normal and they are still fun, warm, loving people. For the first time in my life, I really wanted to marry a man, share his name, build a life, and have a kid with him. Hell, I was even up to naming the kid after his father, who, while a wonderful man, shares the same first name as my shithead father. And, despite being a huge geek in the things I like, I've also found out that my interests are mainstream-like movies, alternative (though kinda mainstream) music, books, etc. I also subscribe to mainstream American consumerism, though I'd like to rebel against it.

My jobs have never been that out of the mainstream, though I usually like to work 2nd or 3rd shift. At first, that was just because it worked with my school schedule. But it is also because I am a night person. Since moving back home, I've worked 2nd shift at a large chain video store and at temp day jobs. I really enjoyed the job at the video store- free movies, great hours, ok people, always moving around. I only missed work when I was stressed and depressed about moving to a new store. But the money sucked and I had no friends because of the hours and management was horrible. So I thought I'd go back to temp day jobs, which pay more and have more stable hours. I thought that eventually my body would readjust to a 'normal' lifestyle. So far, that has not been the case. But the job that I'm working now has inspired me to go back to school to finish my degree and to work hard to be financially stable.

But the closer I come to a 'normal' lifestyle, the more I realize how much I dislike it. I hate working a 9-5 (actually 7:30-4). Even as I long for benefits and paid holidays, I can't stand the hours and the repetition. This weekend, my mother pointed out to me that she'd like me to do more around the house. I feel bad that I haven't done more up to this point. She made a list of stuff for me to do and I'm going to work hard to be a productive member of this family without any more prompting. Today was my first real night of being a 'normal' career woman-of-the-house. And I wanted to rip someone's head off!!!! Nothing horrible happened but between the crazy dogs and the undercooked dinner and the phone, I was frenzied. As I was trying to get into the house without getting the mud from the trash cans on the door or any more on myself, but before I could even start dinner, I realized that, if I was married and/or had kids right now and was expected to do this every night, I would seriously have to hurt someone. I'm not even sure I can do the little that my parents want me to do. I can clean all day and actually be happier when I'm done, but I hate cooking and playing Mom.

I'm really starting to miss my old life. I liked coming home to my cats, who only wanted to be petted and didn't jump all over me until I took them outside. I liked that I didn't have to clean or cook, especially cook, on someone else's schedule. Maybe it is my age, maybe it is just me, but I don't like having to eat at specific times everyday. When I was on my own, I cooked for myself sometimes, but I often just ate a bit here and a bit there. I rarely ate at 'regular' meal times. That is kinda how I like it. Even when I lived with ex-J, we didn't really have homecooked meals. When we did eat at home, it was at random times, and we ate typical college student meals- mac&cheese, rice, scrambled eggs, tuna helper, noodle packets, chicken nuggets. While living there, I worked at a motel, where I ate Cup'O'Noodles, and a bank, where I ate Budget Gourmet tv dinners and snacked on Cheese Nips. Now I'm eating at all three breaks I have because I get so hungry in between and I have to eat when my parents eat.

But this really isn't about cooking dinner or when I eat meals. I don't really know how I want my life to be yet, but I am beginning to figure out how I don't want it. I don't want this normal life, with a day job and coming home to cook dinner and wrangle dogs and take care of kids, the same thing everyday for the rest of my life. I'm not sure I could live La Vie Boheme, but I know I can't live this life.

Different Day (or Year, Rather), Same Shit

So, every year around this time, as people the world over celebrate religious and ethnic holidays, and the New Year, I find myself starting all over again also. The downward spiral usually starts around Thanksgiving. I used to think it was the holidays, but I've gotten over my fear of all those days with my family. I am even starting to enjoy it. When I was in high school, I was too wrapped up in finals and the end of semester rush to break down, after which I had two full weeks of laziness. But every year after that, the holiday season heralded my downward spiral, in which I tear down everything I built in the past year. Then, in January or February, I pick myself up and start all over. I really hate this cycle. And I really thought I had gotten through it when I had a nice New Year. A friend was trying to hook me up with a job at her employer, which pays more and has benefits, but I was still working in the cave for as long as I wanted the job. I was looking forward to going back to school in the fall and to meeting new girls over the internet. Tuesday I was sick so I didn't go to work. And then I didn't go the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that. I slept most of the day, got up to eat dinner with my parents, watched some TV, and then I went back to bed, usually before midnight. Each day, my job seemed worse and worse in my mind. Each day, I felt worse and worse. T told me I should just quit my temp job if I didn't go in on Friday. But I didn't do either. I called in again with the really shitty excuse that I had the stomach flu. Saturday, my mom woke me up early to make me clean house with her (not light weekly cleaning, but CLEANING, like my grandma was going to come over). And she gave me a big guilt trip about how much she worries about me and what I would do if I didn't have them to fall back on. She cried, I cried. Then, we cleaned for four hours. I felt much better and a great deal more motivated. Saturday night, T yelled at me and expressed his fear that I keep going through this cycle and never getting anywhere in my life, especially when I can do so much better. Granted, besides the fact that my current temp job probably isn't too fond of me right now, nothing has really changed. Except how I feel about my life right now. I'm so ambivalent because I don't have a real DREAM to aspire to, which is what always drove me out of my funks before. Right now, I'm living on borrow motivation from T and my mom, working to meet the bare basics until I can figure out a reason for me to work harder. My mom gave me a list of stuff I should do around the house every week so that I am more a part of the household, instead of a mooch. And T is trying to keep me motivated with a system of rewards and punishments. If I take off another day of work, he isn't going to talk to me for the total number of days I've taken off (5 days for the next time I take off), but, if I don't, he promises to come visit me and take me to the expensive fondue restaurant. I really don't want to have the downward part of this spiral next year. I want next January to be about finding new goals to push toward, not to trying to fix the fuck-ups of the past few months.

Sunday Morning - Maroon 5

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go, if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you
And you may not know

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow

You're My Better Half- Keith Urban

"You're My Better Half"
Car door slams,
it's been a long day at work
I'm out on the freeway and
I'm wondering if it's all worth
The price that I pay,
sometimes it doesn't seem fair
I pull into the drive and you're standing there
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
You pull me close and you hold me tight

[Chorus:]It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half

They say behind every man is a good woman
But I think that's a lie
'Cause when it comes to you
I'd rather have you by my side
You don't know how much I count you to help me
When I've given everything I got
and I just feel like giving in
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and you hold me tight

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Well, you take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and I understand
It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe that we can make it through anything
Oh baby, it's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half
Oh, oh baby you're my better half
Ooh, hey baby you're my better half

Life Is Short

I'm young, but getting older everyday. Almost all the girls at work have at least one kid, even those that are younger than me. But something has happened within the past day or so that makes me realize how short life is. I never want to for get this lesson. I am vowing to tell everyone I love that I love them. I am vowing to be my best and to strive everyday. I want to take chances and risks and really live.

Faithful- Common

"Faithful"(feat. Bilal, John Legend)
[sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] We got to be [sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] I want to be [sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] Yes, its for the people, God moves, yeah

[Verse 1]
I was rollin' around, in my mind it occurred
What if God was a her?
Would I treat her the same?
Would I still be runnin' game on her?
In what type of ways would I want her?
Would I want her for her mind or her heavenly body?
Couldn't be out gettin' bogus with someone so godly
If I was wit' her would I still be wantin' my ex?
The lies, the greed, the weed, the sex
Wouldn't be ashamed to give her part of my check
Wearin' her cross, I mean the heart on my neck
Her I would reflect on the streets of the Chi'
Ride wit' her, 'cause I know for me she'd die
Through good and bad call on her like I'm chirpin' her
Couldn't be jealous 'cause other brothers worship her
Walk this earth for her, glory, I'm grateful
To be in her presence I try to stay faithful

[Chorus][sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] I'd like to be her very best friend

[Verse 2]He worked with her, she was his lady's best friend
Even if they don't try some ladies test men
And this was a test that was bigger than him
Some believe its the nature that is given to men
He had a good gig, a wife, a kid, a decent home
One reason or another couldn't find peace at home
She asked, "Why do men always have to stray?"
He said, "I'm bad, not as bad as Eric Benet"
"I used to take 'em out to eat but they wasn't really eatin'
Mighta got a little head but I wasn't really cheatin'"
It's hard when your lady don't believe what you say
And what you did in the past you gotta live with today
She asked if they could spend the night together
He thought, and said, "I'm tryin' to get my life together"
Went home to his lady, these were his confessions
"Baby you a blessin' and my best friend"

What You Miss

Grieving for the loss of a relationship that I never really had, maybe more for the dream of us than the real us. I don't even fantasize about kissing others, can't imagine kissing someone new. Only fantasize about the one I do kiss, but don't really have.

Inspiration

This has been a very good couple of days creatively, especially today. Is it the meditation/studying Buddhism more that is doing it? If so, what exactly is it doing? Is it calming down the worrying part of my mind so that I can think of other things? Opening me up to new ideas? Making me more compassionate so I wonder about other lifes, other's lives, other experiences? All of this? None of this?

Hunger

I wonder what it would be like to not be hungry. I remember MS, my male best friend in high school. When we were still in high school, I never saw him eat. He was my date to a dance and we all went out to eat at a nice restaurant before the dance. He just pushed his food around his plate. I know he did eat, by fast food wrappers that gradually accumulated in the backseat of his car. But it was very gradual. Even later, once out of high school and in college, I saw him eat more, but that was usually fueled by weed. What was his lack of appetite driven by, or anyone for that matter? Was it psychological? Slight anorexia? A desire not to get chubby like he was before his growth spurt? A negative view of food? A picky pallet? Or just not associating food, especially unhealthy food, with good emotions?

As I struggle with trying to eat more healthy food and less junk food and just balance out everything, I wonder what it would be like to only eat out of necessity and not very often.

Sexualization

What came first-girls being sexualized younger and younger & trying to act sexy very young or adult men trying to hook-up with underage and very young girls? I don't want to talk about "sexualizing children at ever younger ages", which is such a conservative cliche, and totally ignores that children are curious about their bodies and sex from the time they are little, it is just a matter of how that is expressed. Throughout the ages, kids have been curious and explored that curiousity alone or with others their own age, but it seems to me that it was very innocent and naive and didn't have the "skanky" feel it does today. And I'm also not kidding myself that many children throughout time have had sexual experiences with adults, whether consenting or not or married or not. (Until recently, almost everyone was married long before we today legally allow it, except in Georgia. And it was not uncommon for a much older man to marry a teenage girl.) So is it really that different today, or does it just seem that way because the media exploits it? I watched the NBC expose on child predators on the internet where they had Perverse Justice volunteers go online and claim to be an underage boy or girl to see if they would really come to the house and make good on their online talk. Many did even though they thought the boy or girl was 13. Is there really an explosion in this kind of behavior? Is it that advertisers are targetting younger and younger girls who want to act older (sexiness connotating maturity) and have disposable income (or parents with disposable income) so they make they put this image forward for younger girls which in turn leads to this very young sexy image in the culture that men latch onto? Does it have to do with girls today looking older at younger ages? I remember when I was 10-13, getting hitting on by older boys who were 16-20 but they always stopped once they found out my age and were very embarassed. All they saw were the boobs and thought I was much older than I was, though they probably knew I was younger than them. Later, when I was 17-18, I got hit on by two 35-40 year old men who knew my age all along and were happy to exploit that. Had something changed in the collective man's mind in those 4-8 years? Or had it always been that way? I recently heard that a (sports?) radio commentator boldly said that he thinks all straight men are much more attracted to women 16-20 (even if they are underage and not in their own age range).

How has the internet changed that? Would these men have done this if the internet was not their interface for meeting these very underage partners? Would they have been the guy in Lolita anyway? Or, since the internet is a very surreal place to meet people, it becomes "let's talk to this person>talk becomes sexual so they follow it> they take up the invitation because it is there" but they never would have done it without the internet. (I don't know this side of things- I only know the side of the real 13 year old talking online to older, more experienced people, feeling like a huge freak becaue no one else around me is interested in sex.)

When did the ideal woman in advertising change from sexy-20/30 to sexy-16/20 to sexy-teen to sexy-pre-teen or sexy-pre-pubescent?

Job vs. Career

What do people expect of fresh college grads? Personally, I have yet to graduate college and am working as a data entry drone in an underground government facility for a very mediocre hourly wage and no benefits. I only work 40 hours a week and I like it that way. (Though I have to work more than 8 hours a day on weeks where we have a government mandated day off to make up my hours because I don't have paid holidays.) I don't have to take my work home with me and I get to leave it all there. I have a really good reputation with a temp agency and they always find me work. When I do graduate, unless I find a really great job editing or freelance writing, I don't want to work more than forty hours a week. Unless my job is really good or really promising, I'm not doing it. I have to have a life. Do employers think that you just graduated and don't have a family that you don't have or want a life? That your career or just this job they gave you should take up your whole exsistence? Where is the balance? Do they even believe in balance? I'd rather take an hourly job (though one with benefits) than a job like that. Do I just lack ambition? Or work ethic? Unless it is really really rewarding, I can't imagine spending the endless hours that jobs seem to expect.

Story Idea 12/12/05

After meeting the local sidekick dj, I was thinking about the difference between how I imagined him and how he really looked and acted. I kinda thought he would look like ex-J, who was a little pudgy and round, though kinda tall. Ex-J worked as dj in the very small capital city of our fine midwestern state. I don't know if he ever made it past that. I kinda hope he did, but I don't think so. I wonder about someone meeting him like that.

I Met a Celebrity!!

Ok, so not really a CELEBRITY! But I did meet someone who is more well known than me or any of my friends, beside maybe T, or Sir as he now likes to be called. The local alternative station sponsors cheap burgers and fries on Fridays at a local bar and grill out here in the suburbs of my small midwestern city. The afternoon drive-time show, which I really like, broadcasts live there every Friday. I had often wanted to go but I had no one to go there with, until just recently. These lesbians that I know go there for the cheap food on Fridays. And the scantily clad waitresses, which I did not know about at the time. (Horrible service too.) So Friday we went there. (I was supposed to meet a girl that they were trying to hook me up with, but she didn't show because her daughter got into a car accident. Can I not meet a single woman without kids around here!!!!) Anyway, this guy was passing out CDs so we flagged him down. That is when he introduced himself as the sidekick on the drive-time show. His radio name suggests that he needs to lose weight, but he is really really skinny. He was really nice and chatty (though I guess that is his job). We discussed how the alt station here was much better than the ones in T's slightly larger midwestern town. It was really cool meeting a local celebrity. I hope to get to chat him up again (not romantically but just as someone interested in music). I also feel kinda sorry for him because he seems like a nice guy and the dj always picks on him.

Short Verse

The smell of the expensive perfume burned my nose all day as I worked. It kept pulling my attention away from my work & to the gathering I was going to after work, for which I had put on my best & least used perfume. I made stupid mistakes.

Soul-sucking Life

Woke up with a migraine and called sick into work. Laid around all day. Feel like this boring ass job is sucking the life out of me.