Long Time, No Post

Hello loyal readers. Well, you'll notice that there are several new posts that are back dated to when they happened in my head, but that I didn't post at the time for several reasons, the biggest one being that I have just been to fucking depressed to do much of anything and have been spending most of my time dealing with stuff with BT. Whatever isn't me directly dealing with stuff with my husband is basically me running away from dealing with stuff with my husband, or at least finding something to distract me from it.

The short of it is....my marriage is falling apart, will probably be ending soon. Depending on who you talk to and what their opinion is and which of us they are friends with more, it could be either of our faults or both of our faults. And, in all reality, I will gladly accept all the blame. There is a big part of me that feels like I should just be able to deal with this stuff, work around all of it, be a good wife to my deployed soldier. And I have tried. I really have. And, until I finally said that I was leaving, I went by the vows that BT and I made, which aren't the marriage vows that everyone makes, as we started with a (negotiated) open and honest relationship. While I don't want to get into too much detail, the problems that I felt I could no longer deal with had to do with money mismanagement and all the lying and hiding that I felt was going on with BT. Maybe I should have given it more time. He kept asking for more time. He also said that all of it would change when he got back, because I would be there to make sure it didn't happen. But I didn't want to be the one to do the changing for him. I don't want to be his mother or his babysitter. Doesn't mean I don't love him though. But I couldn't take the heartbreak that I felt everytime something new would be revealed, everytime I really believed that the last time was the last time only to find out that it wasn't. Mom always says that you know when it's time to go. And it is.

But I also think if you were to ask BT, he would say that our marriage is ending because of new "sex in a box" that I have. For the sake of the blog, we'll call him TyRoy. (I'll post an explanation later. It was his choice of psuedonym.) The short of that story is that I answered a Craigslist post from a man who wanted someone to talk to because he was having a hard time. I was too. It was early January. My grandpa had just died. My husband had just left for his mobilization site and I wasn't supposed to see him again until he got back from deployment. The guy was really nice. He was going through a bitter divorce from his wife, who he still felt like was his bestfriend. Because he was in the Army himself and had gotten back the year before from a year-long deployment (his second to Iraq), he knew how hard it could be to be a family going through a deployment. When BT got emergency leave because we were fighting hardcore over money issues (and other issues), TyRoy wrote an email to both of us, about how we could help each other. It was just friendly and we didn't exchange pictures or stats or even talk on the phone for quite a while. Until, that is, I answered another CL ad, a man looking for a woman to do some kink stuff with, attaching my picture, as I usually do. The next day, I found out it was the same guy that I'd been talking as friends with for the past month or so. Eventually, we decided to meet and then hook-up, but just as sex in a box. BT didn't veto me meeting him or having sex with him or staying over at his place, even though BT did/does have a huge problem with the fact that this guy is an officer. (For those fellow civilians unfamiliar with the military world, from all my experience with BT, enlisted men HATE officers and, not only are soldiers not supposed to fuck other soldier's spouses, but officers REALLY aren't supposed to fuck enlisted soldier's spouses.) Besides that, it was a good arrangement and we both supported each other in our other endeavors. I supported him in his search to find others to have sex with. He supported me in the same way and in trying to work on my marriage. In all honesty, even though my husband doesn't believe it, he was the real final holdout, telling me to stick with BT, work through it because he could tell how much I love him. But after I had finally decided to end the marriage, because of several factors, like the fact that I'd be closer to a job that it looked like I was going to take and to make fucking easier, TyRoy and I started talking about/around the subject of living together. And just the other day, he had made mention of marriage.

It's an interesting and difficult situation. Obviously, it doesn't make me look any less the bad guy in the divorce, though I've pretty much accepted that I'm the bad guy and that isn't going to change. I still love my husband very much and would be with him if I could deal with the other things that come along with it. I care very much for TyRoy. (Damn, I kinda hate that psuedonym because it makes it so much harder to talk in a serious way about anything. Oh well.) But I am not in love with him right now. I'm not ruling out that possibility, but it just isn't how it is right now. And I honestly don't think he's in love with me right now. I'm kinda glad about that though. I got swept off my feet once before and I think I probably swept BT off his feet too and look where that got us. I also know that I probably shouldn't be rushing into something serious so soon, or probably at all, but it was kinda serious before I even realized it and I can't just rewind and make it different. I also don't really know if I want to be with a military man again after all this. TyRoy will probably be stationed here for another couple years and then he'll go wherever they tell him to. Depending on the state of the wars America is involved in, he'll probably get deployed again from wherever we are at, which will be a place where I'll have no friends and family. What draws me to this, and I think TyRoy too, is, in large part, the convenience and ways in which we fit what the other is looking for. Neither of us wants to be monogamous. Both of us want fulfilling, supportive relationships (both sexually and otherwise) where we truly be ourselves and pursue those things that we want to. Also, we both do care about each other and want to take care of the other person. And, hell, that might really be what a good relationship/marriage is made of. Not this wonderful, amazing, make everything else disappear kind of love, but just the everyday dealing with things together and taking care of each other and promoting what the other wants to do.

But, for the most part, I'm kinda useless. I can't blame it all on the state of my marriage, though. Maybe I can blame it on the depression, but I'm not sure about that either. Maybe I should just blame it on being a lazy bum who wants to sleep all day. I fucked up the one job that I had lined up, though I probably shouldn't have wanted or taken that job anyway because it was.... complicated. I really need to get on looking for a job so that I can support myself, no matter what happens with BT or TyRoy or anyone. Plus, the health insurance company is finally coming through on paying their part of my hospital bills from my gallbladder surgery so I have to come up with my co-pays. Granted, the co-pays aren't nearly as much as the full surgery but they aren't exactly cheap either. And I really REALLY want to get myself back together enough to go back to school and finish. Well, finish getting a Bachelor's Degree. That degree might not actually get me more money at a job or anywhere at all really, but I have to at least say that I was able to do it. How many completely worthless assholes do I know who've had their BA for years and years now??? I was supposed to be the golden child and I can't manage to get mine in, what, 7+ years??? Come on now. But, that is what is up with me right now. Please feel free to comment, berate, whatever.

Car Tunes- Angsty Alt-Pop Edition

[Backdated for historical accuracy]
What I listened to on my way out to visit TyRoy, the lyrics that are important to my state of mind at the time included. Explanations included if I think they need to be.

Counting Crows- August and Everything After
Anna Begins: It does not bother me to say this isn't love/Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love/And I guess I'm going to have to live with that/But, I'm sure there's something in a shade of gray/Or something in between...The time when kindness falls like rain/it washes me away and Anna begins change my mind...Her kindness bangs a gong/It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away/It's chasing me away. /She dissappears, and oh lord I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Raining in Baltimore: You get what you pay for/But I just had no intention of living this way...There's things I remember and things I forget/I miss you I guess that I should/Three thousand five hundred miles away/But what would you change if you could?

Matchbox 20- Mad Season
Last Beautiful Girl: (Whole fucking song) This will all fall down like everything else that was/This too shall pass and all of the words we said/We cant take back/Now every fool in town wouldve left by now/I cant replace all the wasted days/The memory of your face - cant help thinkin/Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together/Where would we be/A thousand lost forevers/And the promises you never were giving me/Heres what Im thinking//It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last beautiful girl in the world//Tell me one more time/How you're sorry about the way/This all went down - you needed to find your space/You needed to still be friends/Needed me to/Call you if I ever couldnt keep it all together /you'd comfort me/Tell me 'bout forever/And the promises I never should have believed in/Heres what Im thinking//It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last beautiful girl in the world//Its over now - and Ive gone without/Cuz youre everybody else's girl/It seems to me - you'll always be/Everyone elses girl/Everyone else's girl//This will all fall down/Like everything in the world/This too must end/And all the words we said/We cant take back//It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last.../It wont be the first - heart that you break/It wont be the last - beautiful girl/The one that you wrecked - wont take you back/If you were the last beautiful girl in the world/The last beautiful girl in the world/You are the last beautiful girl in the world/Beautiful girl
Ok, I'm not trying to be stuck up with this one. I just feel like this is how everyone feels when I get to the end of the relationship with them. I can't seem to just end things like a normal person. I have to feel like I'm "being there" for them, which probably doesn't really help anyone, except to make me feel like less of an asshole because I've usually cheated on them and broke their heart. And, in all honesty, they shouldn't want me back because I screwed them over. But I can't help trying to be the good guy to make up for the fact that I'm the bad guy.

You Won't Be Mine: I know soon you will be/Over the lies, you'll be strong/You'll be rich in love and you will carry on/But no - oh no/No you wont be mine

Does He Love You?- Reba McEntire & Linda Davis

REBA:I've known about you for a while now.
When he leaves me, he wears a smile now.
As soon as he's away from me,
in your arms is where he wants to be.
LINDA:But you're the one he rushes home to.
You're the one he gave his name to.
I never see his face in the early morning light.
You have his mornings, his daytimes,
and sometimes, I have his nights.

CHORUS:But does he love you(does he love you)
Like he loves me(like he loves me)?
Does he think of you (does he think of you)
When he's holdin' me?
And does he whisper
Does he whisper all his fantasies?
Does he love you(does he love you)
like he's been lovin' me?

LINDA:But when he's with me
He says he needs me
and that he wants me
that he believes in me
REBA:And when i'm in his arms
Oh he swears there's no one else
Is he deceiving me
Or am i deceiving myself?

CHORUS
But does he love you(does he love you)
Like he loves me(like he loves me)?
Does he think of you (does he think of you)
When he's holdin' me?
And does he whisper
Does he whisper all his fantasies?
Does he love you(does he love you)
like he's been lovin' me?

Bridge:
REBA: Oh why shouldn't i lose my temper?
LINDA: Oh why shouldn't i be ashamed?
REBA: Cause i have everything to lose
LINDA: And i, I have nothing to gain.

CHORUS:
But does he love you(does he love you)
Like he loves me(like he loves me)?
Does he think of you (does he think of you)
When he's holdin' me?
And does he whisper
Does he whisper all his fantasies?
Does he love you(does he love you)
like he's been lovin' me?

Live Version with Reba and Linda
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhvMRt2waYQ
Jamie O'Neil and Carrie Underwood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRtn2CCChfM

Valentine's Day Eve

This day has been a crazy mess of ups and downs. For the most part though, I think that the ups were due to the amazing things that others did me and the downs have been... well, sort of incidental, the ghosts of past tragedies popping into my mind. Tomorrow, I'll post about the wonderful gifts that my family bestowed on me today, so that I could enjoy them for the whole of Valentine's Day, I really want to post tonight on the other gifts and ghosts of the day.

This is the first holiday without my grandfather. Well, I suppose that isn't really true. New Years was the first holiday without him, but, at that moment, I was still very much too raw and too numb to really feel much of anything. Also, New Years day, my husband and I drove three hours to where he would meet the bus to go back to the military base from which he was deploying. Oh, and there was the horrible bladder infection that I was dealing with at the same time. So, I couldn't really even comprehend New Years as a holiday, much less that it was a holiday without my grandfather. That it was a New Years Eve without the man who'd let me stay up until midnight so that we could watch the ball drop in far away Time's Square so many times when I was a young girl, spending my Christmas break with my grandparents, as he drank his beer and ate his Fritos.

But it wasn't until today that I started to experience what a holiday might be like without this man. This morning, as I was headed out to run some early errands, I opened the Valentine's Day card that my uncle sent to me. It was just a funny, cute little card. But it reminded me that, whether I had a significant other or not, there were always people who loved me and that I never went a Valentine's Day without a card or a present. And I think that was started by my grandfather, who always sent cards to my mother and I and always had a small Valentine's Day present at his house for us whenever we visited closest to the holiday. It was always candy and always had a Snoopy figure somewhere in there. And I don't mean to diminish the cards and presents I've received from other family members, but it always seemed so special and unusual to receive a present on the most romantic of holidays from the man who responded "Me too" when you told him that you loved him. So I opened the card from my uncle and started bawling. As much as I know it was his time and I'm much more at peace with his passing than I would be that of other people's, I do miss him so very much.

But, overall, I had a very productive day. Actually, I probably had the most productive day I've had in quite awhile. I'm sure this is due in no small part to being both more physically and emotionally well than I have been in several weeks. And I'm sure the flowers helped. My last stop of the whole day was Walmart- that bastion of mass consumerism and consumption. It was not until then, at four o'clock in the afternoon, that I noticed that it was a truly beautiful day. Mild weather, sunshine, and, best of all, a clear blue sky. And clear blue skies often lead to one of my favorite daytime phenomenons-- the daytime moon.

And at this I heard the song "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tale in my head. It usually accompanies the daytime moon phenomenon. But when I walked into Wal-mart, I was a little freaked out to hear the song being played. But I was also a little happy. It seemed like the universe was giving me a little hug. So I'd like to thank who or whatever was in charge of that little coincidence. I'm very grateful.

Somewhere Out There by Linday Ronstadt and James Ingram
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

(Ok so it's a horrible video, but a decent song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRaieyN77UI

Grasping at Straws and Praying for Change

"Nobody said it was easy/No one ever said it would be so hard"- Coldplay

It seems like it would be easy, right? You fall in love. A kind of love that you've never felt. At a time when you didn't want love, weren't looking for love, hell- never thought you'd find love again. But this love blows all the other things that you called love out of the water. And you find that not only can you completely be yourself with this person, but you find yourself actually making use of the things you learned in all the previous past failed relationships in an effort to make this relationship all the better. Instead of wanting to be a specific kind of better person so that you can be more well-matched to this person, you find yourself wanting to be a better person in general, better to your lover, better to the world, but better in ways that expand on who you already are. Your lover also feels the same way.

So you let yourself fall and you get married and the two of you talk about planning the future, despite your true love's impending year-long deployment. But it isn't long before the real world comes breaking into your fairy tale life and reality rears its ugly head. And all of that wanting to be better shit gets lost as you fall back into your old ruts. Ruts built by living a whole life before your partner showed up, by your reactions to the family and enviroment into which you were born. The problem is that you know your rut and you've tried to balance that out. Also, your rut is fairly singularly SELF-destructive and only involves you hating yourself. But your lover grew up in a completely different sort of family and environment than you did, lived in a world that you can barely begin to understand. And when your lover starts to act in ways that hurt you, that make you feel deeply betrayed, all you want to do is find a way to explain their behavior so that maybe that behavior can change and the relationship can be salvaged. (Sidenote: Does it mean that you are trying to "change" that person, to "fix" them? Does it make it any better if you didn't know about that behavior before you had made the BIG commitment, so now the change is only to help sustain the commitment, instead of building yourself the perfect partner?) So, you look at their past and you grasp at straws to find a more reasonable explanation for their behavior than that they are just an irredeemable asshole that you should leave as soon as possible. And you pray for the changes that would allow you to stay because, while all of the betrayals revealed in the last couple of days didn't make you cry, imagining him getting handed the papers that would dissolve the BIG commitment that you made to each other made you bawl like a baby.

On the Adult Children of Addicts
Even more self-defeating,
we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset
to workable solutions. ( http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s
)

A few of these can be that they:
have to guess what normal
behaviour is in many situations,
have difficulties completing projects,
lie when it is equally simple to tell the truth,
are self-judgmental,
have difficulties having fun,
take themselves very seriously,
have
problems in intimate relationships,
overreact to changes which they can't
control,
are always looking for approval and confirmation,
think they're
different,
are either extremely responsible or extremely irresponsible,
are extremely loyal, also to people who do not deserve it,
are
impulsive.
( http://web4health.info/en/answers/add-adult-children-of-alcoholics.htm
)

To All The Haters Out There [Paramore- Misery Business]

I really like to post songs that I really like, that get into my head and just won't let go, even if I don't really feel like they have any connection to my life at the time. When this song first grabbed ahold of me, it was in November and I was on the fence about the truthfulness of a certain situation but I didn't want to antagonize anyone in said situation by posting this song and having them get the wrong idea. I just liked the song. Ok, so maybe I was feeling alittle bit of the song's sentiments at the time, but I wasn't about to admit it. But now that situation is over, but more women keep crawling out of the woodwork and I find myself feeling the song's sentiments more and more. Funny enough, it isn't really jealousy that I feel. Or possessiveness. I could easily share him. And, if he decided he wanted to be with someone else, though it would be hard, I would accept that as his choice and love him enogh to let him go, to encourage him to be happy. The only thing that really bothers me is that I don't feel like any of these women care about him, that they only look to fuck with his head and his heart, or that they would only use him. But as long as he's with me, I'm going to make sure that "all his wildest dreams come true", whether or not they involve you at all. Though it does feel SO GOOD to know that he has chosen me, over and over again.

Misery Business- Paramore
[Verse 1:]
I'm in the business of misery
Let's take it from the top
She's got a body like an hourglass that's ticking like a clock
It's a matter of time before we all run out
When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.
I waited eight long months
She finally set him free
I told him I couldn't lie he was the only one for me
Two weeks and we'd caught on fire
She's got it out for me
But I wear the biggest smile.

[Chorus:]
Whoaa I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoaa it was never my intention to brag
To steal him all away from you now
-But God does it feel so good
'Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so..It just feels so good.

Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged
I'm sorry honey, but I'm passing up, now look this way!
Well, there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want and what they like it's easy if you do it right
Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!

[Chorus:]
Whoaa I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoaa it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
-But God does it feel so good
'Cause I got him where I want him right now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so...It just feels so good.

Bridge:]
I watched his wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving...

Whoaa I never meant to brag, but I got him where I want him now!

[Chorus:]
Whoaa I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoaa it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
-But God does it feel so good
'Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so...It just feels so good.

Youtube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCyGvGEtOwc

Katie-He's Got Another Girlfriend

I've been contemplating whether or not to post this blog now for several weeks. I would have just come to you in person, but I can't seem to find you through the magic of the internet and I've already warned him that I would tell you if he didn't. I'm sure that this is also done out of some sense of vengence. You would think that my sense of vengence would have been quenched by fooling around with him over the summer, after the Bruce Hornsby concert on the Levy, but, after your comments about why you wanted to come to the funeral, it is suddenly back with a vengence. Maybe I'm lucky enough that he has already broke up with you and come clean. But probably not because he's kinda cowardly when it comes to girls. Heck, I hope his PA girlfriend knows/knew about you. Best of luck to you and I hope a lesson has been learned. Though I'm not exactly sure what that lesson should be or who should be learning it. Tata.

Gone- Chris Cagle

I really like this new country song. And I have a feeling that it's probably a sentiment my husband will be echoing quite a bit. Once he's home at least. Because it doesn't do much good to make a big show of leaving the house to leave him when he's hundreds or thousands of miles away. My mother predicts some knock down drag out fights, once we are living in the same house and I don't exactly doubt her. Then again, in the wisdom of my grandmother, "You don't really love someone unless you can fight with them." I'm sure our grandchildren will have fun telling their own versions of stories that end like the ones I tell about my grandparents, with dented cans and screen doors, with broken plaster fake fruit, with LTDs stuck on the mailbox pole and $600 microwaves---- stories of things that they never saw happen but that have since become family lore. (And yes, BT, since I wrote 'our grandchildren' that means that I haven't thrown all your stuff out or sold it and I haven't filed any papers. Though I'm still pissed and not feeling very trusting right now.)

Gone- Chris Cagle
I heard the door slam and i couldn't tell
was it just the wind or was she mad again
- ah hell
she's gettin in her car
i hollered baby is there something wrong
thought i heard her say something sounding like i'm gone
but these days gone can mean so many things.

chorus: theres gone for good
and theres good and gone
and theres gone with the long before it
i wish she'd been just a little more clear
well theres gone for the day and gone for the night
and gone for the rest of your dog gone life
is it whiskey night or just a couple beers [<---love that line!]
i mean what kind of gone are we talkin bout here

well its gettin dark out, she ain't back yet
ain't called home, turned off the phone
ah man
hah this might not be good
i would have stopped her, when she went to leave
but i didn't 'cause i didn't really think what i'm thinkin now
i'm still not sure what gone is all about

chorus:theres gone for good and theres good and gone
and theres gone with the long before it
i wish she'd been just a little more clear
well theres gone for the day and gone for the night
and gone for the rest of your dog gone life
is it whiskey night or just a couple beers
i mean what kind of gone are we talkin bout here

is it the kind of gone where she's at her mom's cooling down
she'll come around
or the kind that says you had your chance and she ain't comin back

chorus: theres gone for good and theres good and gone
and theres gone with the long before it
i wish she'd been just a little more clear
well theres gone for the day and gone for the night
and gone for the rest of your dog gone life
is it whiskey night or just a couple beers
i mean what kind of gone are we talkin bout
what kinda gone are we talkin bout
what kinda gone are we talkin bout here
what kinda gone

Best youtube I could find at the moment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-75raKEmGoo&feature=related

Hold On- Sarah McLachlan

I knew that I wasn't going to be able to blog much, if at all over the holidays while I was out of town because none of my in-laws have computers or internet connections, so I hoped that I would have a great deal to write about when I got back. And I do. Just not what I thought I'd be writing about. This holiday was much more awful than I ever could have predicted and I'll write more about it soon but I wanted to put up a quick post and this song popped into my head as I was getting out of the shower today so I thought I'd share it with you. If the story I heard was right, Sarah McLachlan wrote it after watching a documentary about a woman who's boyfriend or husband was dying from AIDS complications, though I think the woman herself was HIV-. But I think it can be applied to a great many situations. Enjoy the song. I'm going to try to clean up/ organize/ consolidate some of my husband's stuff so that my family can actually use the exercise room. I figure he won't mind me moving it all around so that he can't find anything, especially since he won't be back for at least 9 months.

Hold On- Sarah McLachlan
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell

What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing

My love
You know that you're my best friend
You know I'd do anything for you
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true

Am I in heaven here or am i...
At the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Oh God if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
Oh God the man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face...

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEoaY7YlMxU

A Rant

I should probably first state that I'm taking these four days before I go to meet my new husband's family for the first time for Christmas, of which I am deathly afraid and extremely nervous, to spend with my grandparents. Around Thanksgiving, we kids (my mom, my gay uncle, and I) found out that my grandmother had bought bus tickets for my other uncle, who hasn't been home for over a decade because she wouldn't let him come home as long as he was an addict, and his girlfriend to come visit after my grandmother, crying, told that uncle that she thought it would be my grandfather's last Christmas and he did say that he'd like to see my grandpa. Now, first of all, no doctors have said anything to that effect. Second of all, it could be my last Christmas. Hell, last Christmas could be my last Christmas if I walk out the door and get hit by a car standing in the driveway. Third of all, she did this without making sure that this uncle could get off work. Fourth of all, she did this without thinking to ask us kids how any of us thought about him coming home for Christmas, kinda last minute, without any amends or anything being made for previous wrongs. (This doesn't really apply to me, as I was too young, but I think does really apply to my other uncle.) So, it could be argued that being here could be awkward. And, as I'm here before my mom and other uncle can come for the holiday, I'm on my own to deal with all this. Ok, ok, fine, fine, fine. Awkward, but I can deal.

About a half hour ago, Gram gets up, just like she did all summer when I was here, because she's slept enough in a regular bed and now must sleep in her chair while "The Closer" plays in the background. "You're STILL up?!?" "Yes, Gram." She smokes a cigarette, then comes up behind me while I"m at the computer. "Tomorrow, will you either stay home with Grandpa while I go to Wal-mart or go for me?" "Well, I was going to go pick up some stuff at Target anyway, but I could just as well go to Walmart. Sure.--------- But Gram, if you want to just get out of the house, it's not like Dave and Christine aren't here. They can't really go anywhere." [They don't have driver's licenses or a car here.] "But they're GUESTS here." Thus ends the conversation.

And I sit here and think. And think. And then I start to get mad. My mom and I worked our asses off all summer trying to care for my (other) uncle and my grandparents. Once he was well enough, my other uncle came out as often as he could to help out with things as well. My mom still works her ass off, coming out here almost every other weekend, to do all the shopping for my grandmother on Saturday, after working a full work week, taking care of the house, making sure that I'm not about to kill myself, and driving the four hours out here (and then back the next day). It's not that I mind doing these errands and it's not that I wasn't going out anyway. It's that this uncle gets a pass on the responsibility that the rest of us have had for half this year, longer if you count the last time my grandfather got sick and was in the hospital for several months after the flu kicked his ass or if you count my grandma's knee replacement surgery or her back surgery, that we were all here for and took care of them for. But that is what family does. That's why you have kids!!!! To take care of you when you are too old to take care of yourself. People start their life with their parents changing their diapers and their parents end their life with them changing their diapers. It's the circle of fucking life. And, the more kids you have, the more that responsibility can be spread out. So just because he's been a deadbeat addict for most of his life and he has finally been allowed to come home for Christmas, he should not be devoid of the same responsibility that the rest of us have shouldered while he was away living/wasting his life. Hell, all the more reason why he SHOULD be helping to do these fucking things. Guest? Guest?!? No, fuck that. He's family and he should be acting like it. And she should be making him. She makes the rest of us.

Oh, and she won't let the rest of us drink because of him. To paraphrase my mother and my other uncle, "How the fuck does she expect us to get through 3-4 days there if we can't fucking drink? That's bullshit!"

Oh, yeah, and, just for good measure, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Just for you Sir

Remeber when we were trying to find this song to put on a CD for me? Half of those fucking CDs didn't even come out because your Dad's CD burner was going out. I think the only one that actually came out right was the Slow Dance CD, which is still one of my favorite mix disks ever. But I was on a youtube streak and found this one so I thought I'd share it with you. You know, I think hearing this song way back then made me realize we'd never make it? Because I'd always want to be the one calling you to come to Boston or Denver or LA and you'd never want to leave home. Kinda funny to look at where we are now, huh?

Please Come To Boston- Dave Loggins
Please come to Boston for the springtime
I'm staying here with some friends
And they've got lots of room
You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk
By a caf矷here I hope to be working soon
Please come to Boston
She said no, boy you come home to me

She said hey ramblin' boy, why don't you settle down
Boston ain't your kinda town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee

Please come to Denver to see the snowfall
We'll move up into the mountains so far that we can't be found
Throw I love you echoes down the canyon
And then lie awake at night til they come back around
Please come to Denver
She said no, boy you come home to me

She said hey ramblin' boy, why don't you settle down
Denver ain't your kinda town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee

Now this drifter's world goes 'round and 'round
And I doubt if it's ever gonna stop
And of all the dreams I've lost and found
And all that I ain't got
I need someone to cling to
Somebody I can sing to

Please come to L.A. to live forever
A California life alone is just too hard to LIVE
WE'LL live in a house that looks out over the ocean
There's some stars that fell from the sky livin up on a hill
Please come to L.A.
She said no, boy you come home to me

She said hey ramblin' boy, why don't you settle down
L.A. ain't your kinda town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee

I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee

Original http://youtube.com/watch?v=1PX5t9VJweQ
Kenny Chesney (country artist) http://youtube.com/watch?v=JgP1t_Ydeag&feature=related

There Is No Arizona

I was reminded of this song when someone else used the title as the title of one of their blog posts and it really made me think of Mon Parrain. Earlier in the week, I was going through some old text messages that I hadn't deleted from my phone and i came upon his last texts to me. They were on November 9th. Ironically, that was also the one month anniversary of my marriage. I suppose I was never really promised anything, persay, but I always felt like he offered the promise that I could have a new and better life if I just hung around long enough to really learn from him. And everytime I think about his complete disappearance from my life, so sudden and without any good-bye, I'm reminded of two very contradictory things that he often said to me. One was that he didn't just up and leave his friends, but the other one was that everyone should feel like they are free to just walk away from a person or a situation if it was either in that person's best interest or their own best interests, without anything more being done or said. I have to assume that he did the latter.
What's really poignant to me in this song is how she finally responds to the people around her, telling them what she has finally figured out. I have the same experience. There are things that my husband knew I wanted to do with Mon Parrain, things that were especially special to Mon Parrain and I. When I try casually to make plans to do those things with my husband, my husband always brings up "But what about Mon Parrain?", as if he's defending Mon Parrain, or vicariously offended for Mon Parrain that I would bring up doing this thing with him instead. And I finally just had to tell my husband that he's not coming back, that there is no Arizona. I'm not really sure if it was harder for me to have to put that into words for the first time or harder for my husband to realize what that meant to me, how that broke my heart. But, here's the song and the youtube. It's a good song, even though it's going to make me cry for the second time tonight.

There Is No Arizona- Jamie O'Neal
http://youtube.com/watch?v=22tktN87ASk
He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona
Underneath the blue never ending sky, swore that he was gonna
Get things in order, he'd send for her
When he left her behind, it never crossed her mind

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

She got a postcard with no return address, postmarked Tombstone
It said "I don't know where I'm goin' next but when I do
I'll let you know"May, June, July, she wonders why
She's still waiting, she'll keep waiting 'cause

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

Each day the sun sets into the west
Her heart sinks lower in her chest and
Friends keep asking when she's going
Finally she tells them don't you know

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona

Fucking John Mayer!

So I’m sitting here, flipping through channels on this Saturday night, just managing to come out of the funk that’s kept me in bed for the past three days, and I stumble upon his latest Austin City Limits performance, which is mostly just stuff from his latest album Continuum. Now, I love John Mayer but this probably wasn’t be best night to get me all introspective and shit. I probably should have picked out a big-budget movie from the box of cloned DVDs that I haven’t watched yet and seen some shit blown up. But as soon as I hit on him singing “Belief”, I knew that I had to write a blog post. For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking that I should write something for my blogs but I couldn’t really come up with anything ‘appropriate’ to write. I’m sure regular readers of my blog are wondering what I might write that I would consider inappropriate, but it isn’t really about me. A great deal of it is about other people, people that I don’t want to hurt or endanger by writing my truths and my feelings.

But listening to him sing “Belief” brought up something that I probably should write about, something that I might be in a unique position to write about, though I don’t claim that my position is right or wrong-it’s simply mine.

While I’ve always had a passing interest in politics and a passing idea of what was going on in this country and a slight idea about things in the rest of the world, I started paying more attention to the bigger picture (i.e. things other than just those issues that directly effected me and mine) after 9/11, though mostly because of Sir’s interest in those things. It brought me another thing with which I could discuss with Sir in a semi-intellectual manner. Fortunately, this interest in politics didn’t go away when Sir and I broke up. Actually, it allowed me to more freely express and pursue my political ideas, which were and are much more liberal than Sir’s are.

But it is in this context that I assessed and constantly reassessed my beliefs and feelings about the current Iraq War. But no matter how much information I have read, I always feel like I’m coming up short. I feel like I still don’t have enough information to make an informed decision. In my mind, I would think that any leader and/or politician without an agenda might feel the same, though they do probably have some information not available to the general public. From the beginning, I really didn’t know if I felt the United States (and our Coalition of the Willing) should start a war in Iraq. And as we have not found any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and fighting continues in Iraq, which gets closer and closer to civil war, it becomes harder and harder to support this particular war. And, while it has never been one of my favorite songs on the Continuum album, I think that “Belief” does bring out that sort of ambivalence about the war, about anything that is supported by ‘belief’ because everyone believes in something and no one is just going to change their mind because someone else yells louder. In the song, belief is not necessarily good or bad: “Belief is a beautiful armor/ But makes for the heaviest sword.”
But what really gets to me, especially now, comes at the end of the song. “We're never gonna win the world/ We're never gonna stop the war/ We're never gonna beat this/ If belief is what we're fighting for//What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand?/ Belief can/ Belief can/ What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand?/ Belief can/ Belief can.” On the one hand, I recognize that ‘the war’, especially what radio commentator Michael Savage would call the War on Islamofascism, or hell, any fight that is based on beliefs, will never truly be won. But I also don’t think that our politicians keep us involved in two wars overseas that aren’t going very well because they believe it is the right thing to do or because they believe that they are making the world a better place. Personally I believe that the only things they consider are their political futures, their bank accounts and the bank accounts of their friends.

And, despite feeling this for quite awhile, despite knowing that this war was/is killing children, not only Iraqi and Afgani children in the war zones, but also our children, the 18 year old boy- and girl-soldiers that we are sending to do our dirty work, despite knowing that pretty much everyday at least one U.S. mother loses a child to this war, I never really cared. I have to admit that I was just as ambivalent to it as everyone else. The first song on and the first single from Mayer’s Continuum is “Waiting for the World to Change”. In it, he discusses how people of his generation are viewed as uninvolved but he tries to give reasons for this, saying that people of his generation, and I think people of my generation as well, feel disempowered. Even my mom identifies with the lines “And when you trust your television/ What you get is what you got/ Cause when they own the information, oh/ They can bend it all they want.”

So, why do I care now? Why do I feel like I should write about my ambivalence now? Because now I’m a soldier’s wife. I’m the wife of a soldier who is leaving for Iraq in less than a month. That child buried in the sand would be my husband, who’s never really grown up, who has a foot-locker full of Star Wars figures. That folded flag would be in my hands. The night I met him, he told me that he would be shipping out in January, so I knew from the start of our relationship. But it wasn’t until a few nights after we were married that I ever knew how he felt about the war he was going to fight or the man who was ordering him to fight it. As a pinko, liberal, queer, feminist, etc, etc, I never got into a discussion with this man who I was having amazing sex with about his political beliefs, mostly because I was afraid of finding out that he was a hardcore neoconservative. And I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t support him or what he was going to do, because I do support him. I have a great deal of respect for him, for any and all men and women who choose to fight for our country, especially because I know it is something that I could not do, for many reasons. Imagine my surprise when my new husband revealed that he did not believe in this war and that he doesn’t like his Commander-in-Chief, but that he asked for this deployment because his military brothers and sisters were out there fighting and he should be as well. And, for as hard as it is sometimes, I will do everything and anything in my power to support him as he is fighting.

But that doesn’t mean that I think we should just continue to fight, ad infinitum, in Iraq, especially as it seems that nothing is getting better, but I don’t have any answers. Should we “cut-and-run”? Should we put even more of our soldiers there to stabilize the region? I don’t have these answers. I’m just the wife of a soldier who is proud of how well-trained he is but would be much happier if he never had to use that training.

[Oh, and why I titled this “Fucking John Mayer” is because I started this right after he sang one of those songs that I can never hear without crying- “Stop This Train”. I have a previous post with this song in it, but no matter what I’m going through, it speaks to something in my life at that point. I could never sing this song in concert. Hell, he didn’t seem like he could make it through the song without a few tears. I suppose for me, I have a great deal of reasons why I would like to “stop this train” and keep things like they are. And so I started crying. Then, he followed it up with the other song on Continuum which makes me cry a good deal of the time, “Gravity”. So, fucking John Mayer: making me cry! Oh, but I love him so!]

This Is Not Part 3

I'm sure all my regular readers are waiting in breathless anticipation for part three of the story of how I got married. But I just haven't really had the heart to write to it. I know I should be excited to tell of our adventurous drive out to Nevada and the wonderful heady time we had getting married and just being in love in that crazy desert city. It should be one of the easiest stories to tell, full of happiness and fulfillment.

But real life doesn't work out that way, right? We were married on Tuesday. On Saturday, after returning to my house, my new husband drove out to pick up some of his stuff from his now-former home at the crazy communal house in the nearby college town. I decided to stay at home, avoid the possible drama. Just like me, before we were married, he was not monogamous, had a "friends with benefits" relationship. And he had not really ended the relationship before we ran off to Vegas. Before he returned to the house, he called me. "Well, I have bad news and just kinda bad news. The kinda bad news is that you might have to come get my stuff without me, while I'm away in training, because they don't know if they want the liability of having my stuff here." "Ok. No problem. My dad and I can do that if we need to. What's the really bad news?" "K says she's pregnant."

It's not anyone's fault really. As my mom is fond of saying about unintended pregnancies, shit happens. All it takes is one time without birth control or a missed pill or a broken condom and *poof* pregnancy. There was no unfaithfulness. There was no lying. Though he hasn't said it, I know that he is just as scared as any other guy who finds out that he is about to become a dad, even if he wants children. As for her.... how can I be angry at another young woman who is scared and alone carrying the child of someone who is not only married to someone else, but who is leaving the country in a few months and, Goddess forbid, might not come back?

But this is no way to start a marriage. It was crazy enough to run off to marry a man who would be leaving to train to fight out of country for a year less than a week after the wedding. But knowing that while he is out of country, less than an hour away his child is gestating in the body of another woman, to be born without him there to see it....it sometimes feels like too much. Definately too much to handle and write a celebratory post about my nuptials.

I Just Want to Be Mad For Awhile

I know most guys, especially BT can't understand this, but sometimes I just need to be mad, or whatever emotion it is that I'm experiencing, for awhile. You can't always make it "better." And sometimes you shouldn't. Just let it ride. And I'll come back around.

I just want to be mad for awhile- Terri Clark
Last night we went to bed not talkin',
'Cause we'd already said too much.
I faced the wall, you faced the window.
Bound and determined not to touch.
We've been married seven years now.
Sometimes it feels like 21.
I'm still mad at you this mornin'.
Coffee's ready if you want some.
I've been up since five, thinkin' bout me and you.
And I've got to tell you the conclusion I've come to.

I'll never leave, I'll never stray.
My love for you will never change.
But I ain't ready to make up.
We'll get around to that.
I think I'm right, I think you're wrong.
I'll prob'ly give in before long.
Please don't make me smile.
I just wanna be mad for a while.

Well, now you might as well forget it.
Don't run your fingers through my hair.
Yeah, that's right, I'm bein' stubborn.
No, I don't wanna go back upstairs.
I'm gonna leave for work without a goodbye kiss.
But as I'm drivin' off, just remember this.

I'll never leave, I'll never stray.
My love for you will never change.
But I ain't ready to make up.
We'll get around to that.
I think I'm right, I think you're wrong.
I'll prob'ly give in before long.
Please don't make me smile.
I just wanna be mad for a while.

I'll never leave, I'll never stray.
My love for you will never change.
But I ain't ready to make up.
We'll get around to that.
I think I'm right, I think you're wrong.
I'll prob'ly give in before long.
Please don't make me smile.
I just wanna be mad for a while.
I just wanna be mad for a while.
I just wanna be mad for a while.
I just wanna be mad for a while.

Video http://youtube.com/watch?v=tbSoc0IFydU

How I Got Married, Part 2

Part 2: 19 Hours From Here to Las Vegas

I blame Jason Aldean. Yep, I'm going to lay the blame squarely at the feet of a country singer and his song named after another, slightly more famous country singer. On our way back home from St Louis, just as we were making this sharp entrance onto one highway from another, we heard the song "Johnny Cash"--- "Quit my job flipped off the boss took my name of the payroll.(I outta here man) Picked up my cell rang my baby's bell said I'm three miles from home. I said sugar why don't you put on that sundress I like so much, Wait out by the road I'm comin' to pick you up. (whoa) Throw your suitcase in the back, (whoa) Done gassed up the pontiac, (whoa) Blastin' out to Johnny Cash, headin' for the highway, Baby we ain't ever comin' back.It's four hundred and sixty seven miles to the outskirts of Las Vegas. What do you say we go get married by a preacher man that looks like Elvis. (yeah momma) Sugar don't you worry bout tellin' your momma goodbye, We'll send her a souvenier postcard from the wild side. (whoa) Throw your suitcase in the back, (whoa) Done gassed up the pontiac, (whoa) Blastin' out to Johnny Cash, headin' for the highway, Baby we ain't ever comin' back." When he sang the part about going to Vegas to get married, BT and I just looked at each other, smiled, and laughed. We laughed then, but I think it planted the seeds for what we would do later that night.

Once we were back at my house, I was supposed to just be taking him back to the house where he stayed in Local College Town. But I wasn't feeling entirely well and he wanted to copy a DVD or two before he left. Plus, I just didn't want to not be with him. So, we hung out around my house, cuddling and talking for hours. Finally, one of us, I don't think either of us can remember which, brought up flying to Vegas. I think he joked that he had the time and I joked that I had the money so we checked online plane ticket prices. But it was just a joke. Wasn't it?

Of course, none of the flights left until 6am the next morning. So, on a lark, we checked Mapquest to see how long it would take to get to there by car. And it said that it was only 19 hours from my house to Vegas. Only 19 hours. It didn't really seem that long. And suddenly, we were both even more giddy, smiling, and actually thinking about driving to Las Vegas that night to get married.

Wait, wait, wait---What are we doing? What am I doing? BT was standing there, grinning from ear to ear, and very clearly ready to go as soon as I said the word. This was all happening too fast. I had to take a step back. I had to get a second opinion. As Mon Parrain was still unreachable, out of country on a business trip, I settled for the next best thing, the very logical, never-rush-into-anything Sir.

I talked to Sir for about an hour. I told him all about what had happened over the weekend in St Louis, about the engagement. He had always said that he would never let me do something incredibly stupid that I couldn't come back from. I expected it would be the same in this instance. And, of course, he came at me with every logical, smart reason why I shouldn't run off to Vegas. Then, just as I was about to let him go for the night, knowing that the smart, wise, reasonable decision would be to wait, to not go to Vegas, I stole something that I'd heard BT say earlier, "It's just that he is the first person I've been with where I don't feel like I have to be someone else." Sir sighed into the phone, "Well, YOU would run off to get Vegas and get married."

Even though that pretty much made up my mind, I still had to spend another hour or so laying in BT's arms, gathering the courage, before I agreed to leave. He was still all smiles but no pressure, probably because he knew I would agree eventually. At one point, I remember telling him that I was just wondering what would happen if I called his bluff. His answer? "But I'm not bluffing." Finally, I looked BT in the eye and said, "Ok, let's go." While I was taking one last bathroom break before hitting the road, BT took it upon himself to empty my suitcase from the weekend, so I could pack new, clean clothes for the trip. I packed the bag as hurriedly as he had unpacked it for me. He said we didn't need to stop off at his place for more clothes for him. And with that, we were off.

Well, almost. Before we even made it to the highway, we were stopped by a cop. As I waited for the officer to come to my door, all I could think was, "This is it. Somehow my mom knows what we are planning on doing and she called the cops to stop us. Sir probably called her. If not, this is at least one really bad omen." The officer explained that he had stopped me because the light above my license plate was out. As he took my license and insurance information from me, he asked the typical cop question, "Where are you guys going tonight?" I figured it wouldn't hurt to tell him the truth. "We're going to Vegas to get married," I sighed. "Really?" "Yep." "That's awesome. That's so awesome. Well, I'm just going to run your license and then you guys can be on your way. That's just so awesome."

As the cop went back to his cruiser to run my driver's license, I stared at BT in disbelief. Instead of the thorough lashing I thought I would get from the cop, not to mention the speeding ticket I had been sure I was in for, he had been truly psyched about the whole thing. We both had to laugh. It was a good omen after all. Without a ticket or even an official warning, though with quite a few more "awesomes", the cop returned my license and sent us on our way.

And that's all for tonight children. I'll pick up where I left off once I've slept off this awful weekend.

A Different Sunday Morning

This weekend was spent at my grandparents' house. The last time I was there, I was blissfully happy and standing next to the man who would be my husband, the man who is now hundreds of miles away. And we had spent the night before at a hotel, not at my grandparents' house. This weekend was really the first weekend in a while that my family was back to its normal routine and I was alone, as per usual, though, with my grandfather the way he is now, things are far from normal. I don't think they'll ever be "normal" again. Or maybe this is just the new normal. As I was getting my shower, all I could think of was this song. I miss my husband. I miss my grandpa. I miss things being like they should be.

sunday morning- ani difranco
sunday morning
slow beats seething
through the screens in the open windows
eggs frying
legs shaking
after we stayed lying so long in bed
sunday morning
both of us reading
and looking up occasionally
looking up occasionally

sunday morning
you're doing your thing
and i am doing mine
speaking words more a formality
cuz we can feel we are of one mind
sunday morning
sheets still warm
kitties swarming around our feet
life comes easy
your sweet company
making it so complete

of all the monday through fridays
we joined the crusade
of all the saturday nights in which we were made
of all the exorcisms i've done with your ghosts
still it's sunday morning i miss you the most

How I Got Married, Part 1

Part 1: St. Louis and Tattoos
As most people know by now, I got married Tuesday, October 9th, in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was a very sudden decision, though I think, obviously, that it was the right one. Ever since I left to get married, I have wanted to write the blog entries that would explain what had happened in my life to get me to a place where I would run off to Vegas with a man (yes, a MAN) that I’d only known for two months to get married. Some explanation other than just being crazy.

If I said it started with the trip to St Louis, I’d probably be lying. During the first weekend I spent with Boy Toy, I SAW us getting married before he deployed for Iraq. Intuition isn’t quite the right word, but it is the first one that comes to mind. I can even picture in my mind’s eye where we were when I knew it. But from that moment on, I tried to do everything I could to not give in to that idea. I tried not to act at all girlfriend-y, tried not to call very much, and I saw plenty of other people, all of which he knew about. But he still wanted to make it more serious than we had planned, by asking me to start dating seriously before he deployed, which wasn’t part of his plan, or mine.

Then, I really overstepped. The Sunday before the trip, I had a serious depressive episode. Boy Toy was back in College Town, packing up all his stuff so that he’d be ready to leave for training. I called him to “say good-bye”, but I also told him that I loved him. I put on it the caveat that I didn’t expect him to feel the same, much less say anything back. And he didn’t say it back, just that he did care for me and that he didn’t want this to be the end of anything. I found out later that he had his own intuition. He felt that I would be fine in the end and that the only thing he could really do to help me was to put a protection spell on me and continue with his packing.

Basically, this brings us up to speed for the trip to St Louis. While BT and I were putting bags in the car, he told me that he knew he would say what I had said (“I love you”) soon, but that he just didn’t want to say it without fully meaning it, etc, etc. I sorta laughed it off, telling him that he really shouldn’t worry about saying anything at anytime. But we were barely out of the metro area before he whispered “I love you” in my ear as we cuddled in the backseat while my poor mother drove.

That was the start of the back and forth that continued all weekend. One of us would put something out there that we had been afraid of telling the other, only to find that, not only did the other person share that feeling, but that the other person wanted to take it a step farther. One example involves the tattoos that we ended up getting. Friday night in the car, BT said that he wanted to get me something with the emblem of a crow on it, as a symbol of protection, a symbol of constant return even beyond death. That we would return to each other no matter what. I thought it was really sweet. As we went to sleep that night, I asked him where would be the best place to get a tattoo of protection, thinking specifically of getting a crow. His answer was the back because you can’t watch it yourself. Saturday morning when I told him about my desire to get it as a tattoo on my back, he jumped at the idea to find designs from the internet when we got to my grandma’s later that day. When he brought me the pictures he’d printed from online, he even went a step farther, asking what I would think of putting a heartogram in the center of the crow design, especially as he was thinking of getting a heartogram as well. I could see he was testing something with it. So I raised him, asking him what he thought about me getting the head colored in green, for his eyes. We both got our tats together that night.

It was the same with most things over the weekend, which is how we went from planning on seriously dating when he got back to moving in together to getting married in December when he was home on Christmas Exodus before he deploys. He even did the whole proposal thing on his knees in front of my family on Sunday morning before we left St. Louis. And, despite the fact that my mom barely talked to us the whole trip back, we were all smiles and lovey-dovey-ness.

Thus closes out the first part of our story.

My Tat



His Tat

Decision Making Strategies

When I saw this diagram on one of the feminist blogs that I visit regularly, I thought it would be a perfect way as a writer to make decisions, if you are only thinking about obtaining more experiences to draw from for your writing.

But it can sometimes get you into trouble. Or at least slightly weird situations.

Like getting stood-up on a Friday night by a guy you met on the internet who claimed to have been forced into being bi after being raped by a guy on an overnight train, in a story strangely reminiscent of one featured in the advice column Savage Love several months ago.

Like being 25 and in a car parked in the local high school's parking lot, surrounded by four cop cars, after you've decided to meet some guy off the internet to JUST make-out.

Maybe I should rethink using this diagram.......

I Got Stood Up

Seriously, how could I get stood up when I look like this????

I'm not saying that I was not cute before. But when I was weighted at the doctor's office yesterday, I found out that I've lost 40 lbs since this time last year. Also, I've gone from a Womans size 22 to a Womans size 14, and often a regular size XL. And the weird pouch I developed over the summer has disappeared since my gallbladder surgery. And I still got stood up. WTF?

Meeting The Keeper

It's really interesting to meet someone that you've never seen a picture of in person. I know that people used to do this all the time and that is why it's called a "blind date", but, for my generation, who has, if not completely grown up with the internet, has at least had the internet and digital photography for most of their dating career, truely blind dates are almost unheard of. Even this wasn't a blind date... for him, as I'd sent him two pictures when I first answered his CL ad. He wasn't exactly what I imagined, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I did really enjoy myself. He wasn't lying when he said he was a pretty good conversationalist, though I felt like I dominated a great deal of the conversation. But what else could I do? He kept asking me questions about myself before I could get out questions about him. Though I was pleasantly surprised by how truly interested in me he seemed. It was also the first date, or even the first meeting with someone, where they haven't tried to sleep with me. Then again, I hadn't expected him to from the conversations that we've had. While he seems plenty interested in sex, in this particular situation, he seems more interested in developing a relationship, which will eventually include sex. In some ways, I wasn't even sure he was that physically interested in me. Granted, he was gentlemanly enough to compliment me on my outfit and open doors for me, but there was none of the usual "accidental" touching or "incidental" touching that people usually do to test out the waters, though he sat fairly close to me at the restaurant where we ate dinner. And I figured it was a pretty good sign that he had only signed up for drinks and appetizers, but ended up initiating dinner.

But then he walked me to my car, telling me on the way about how he thought I should go to First Fridays and meet some of his lesbian stripper friends. And he kissed me. The final test of chemistry for me. It was good. Hopefully, a sign of good things to come.

When Things Don't Go As Planned

Recently, someone told me that they don't trust themselves with being loved, loved for who they really are and in an unconditional way, because they always manipulate and abuse that love. At the time, that struck such a cord with me. While I think this person meant that they abuse and manipulate in pretty horrible and insidious ways, my past experience has shown me that I manipulate in petty and ridiculous ways, which anyone outside of the situation would easily recognize, usually with the exception of me and the other person.

A few weeks before that I laid next to BT as he fell asleep, I starting thinking about how knowing when the right time to leave a relationship is comparable to the knowing when the right time is to sneak out of bed without waking your partner. (In my case, I had to sneak out of bed partly because of my parents' house rules and partly because I knew I just couldn't sleep.) But any sane person would wonder why I was contemplating leaving this great guy, who makes me feel wanted, safe, cared for, and also COMPLETELY accepted for who I am. Because, even before I heard someone else describe it, I knew that I felt that same way, that I would always abuse and manipulate any true love that was given to me. And I didn't want to do that to this sweet sweet man.

Today was a very VERY bad day. I was ready to give up. BT's prepaid cell phone is out of minutes and he was the only one I couldn't reach by phone. So, I drove the 45 minutes out to the nearby college town where he lives, calling his house and telling them that I would pick him up from work. They said he got off work at 5 or 5:30. At 5:35, I grew tired of waiting for him to come out, so I decided to go in and see if he was ready to be driven home. I knew he'd be surprised and he was. I had come to say goodbye, but I wanted to spend as much time that evening as I could with him. Since our first weekend together, he'd been talking about how he wanted us to really truly date when he got back from his deployment in Iraq. From the beginning, I told him that he'd change his mind once he found out all that I was up to. It was the same discussion tonight, as I told him that he'd probably never want to really date me when he heard about all my extra-curricular activity in the last couple of weeks. As always, he denied that anything I could say would make him not want to date me when he came back.

So I told him about my escapades, which I usually think of as dropping the bomb. But this time it was really his turn to drop the bomb. During these past few weeks when we hadn't really gotten a chance to talk, he said that he'd been doing a great deal of thinking about wanting to date me when he got back. In fact, he was thinking that he wanted to date me BEFORE he left, to start the commitment before he left, something that he had been very much against when I first met him. He didn't want to leave anyone behind when he deployed. But he didn't expect me to stop my current extra-curricular activities. While Mon Parrain and I both questioned how this dating was different than the current situation between BT and I, I suspect that it is just BT's way of showing that he really does want a relationship with me when he come back, that he wants to develop more emotional intimacy with me, and that he would like to come before any other sex partners in my life. I was just blown away. Such a wonderful guy who actually knows me, who I have not lied to about who I am, and he wants me.

Then, I started to freak out. What if I only manipulate and abuse this love that is given to me? In many ways, that is what I did with the Alpha Male of the Pack. Hell, it is what I tried to do to Mon Parrain earlier in the day, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. But I just can't pass it up. So, starting today, I'm going back to working on making myself "better", getting my meds straightened out and working on...making myself a better version of the self that I want to be.

So, I have a boyfriend now. And lots of "sex in the box"s. Hmmm......

THE Psuedonym Post (Vol. 2)

So, as there are some new people in my life who I hope will be appearing often on this blog so I thought I'd publish another volume of the psuedonym post. The original post is underneath, with a few updates.

The Keeper- A mid-30s professional businessman who I met by responding to his Craigslist post looking for a mistress and "kept woman" who he could help financially in return for having a reliable, intelligent woman he could spend time with. He's not a "sex in a box" yet, but I'm hoping that this relationship develops more.

Boy Toy (BT)- A late-20s Army boy who is shipping off for Iraq soon, but that I'm having great sex with until he does. He lives in the nearby college town in the same communal home as a friend of mine and my uncle's, which is how I met him. He is amazing, sweet, and makes me feel safe and wanted all the time we are together. I just wish I got to see him more. While he's away, I plan to send him lots of care packages.

Stewart- An unhappily married man that I'm have a "sex in a box" relationship with. He's a mid-30s professional businessman as well and I really enjoy how he looks like your average suburban dad/businessman, but has already revealed a little kink. It's just sex, but good sex. And, of course, Stewart isn't his real name, but the name he used when he first contacted me in an unsolicited IM.

Chimera- And last but not least, my long-distance "sub in a box" relationship. He's a 20 year old dad in Ohio who is going to marry the mother of his child soon, but has yet to even really fully explain his desires to be dominated to her. Though their relationship is kinky, it is mostly him fulfilling her desires to be submissive. I met him on a 3D avatar chatting site when he was looking to be the slave of the Alpha Female in the Pack. Thought we started as friends, fellow subs sharing what we desired, I've since come to really enjoy dominating him.

Original Post
A friend and regular reader suggested that they have been confused about my psuedonyms for different people so I thought I'd start a psuedonym post that I'll put in the Important Posts section and update as I get more psuedonyms and more people in my life, so that there is an easy index for all readers.

Sir- Sir is my most recent ex-boyfriend. We were together 5 years. His psuedonym of Sir is one that he came up with because, whenever he is out with male friends at restaurants, the waitresses always call his friends "sweetie" and "honey" but they always call him "Sir." We broke up February 2005 and have remained good friends since.

Ex-T- My first real boyfriend when I was 16. He lives in bigger Midwestern city where I travel to see my grandparents. We are still friends and talk quite often. T is his first initial and I was very lazy in coming up with a psuedonym for him.

Ex-J- My second real boyfriend. He was a great guy that I fucked over royally. But I think he has a good life now. Or at least I hope he does. Once again, J is his first initial and I was lazy.

Anna- My good straight male crossdressing friend, who I have developed a "switch in a box" relationship with. Even if we were to stop "playing", we'd still hang out and watch movies, get really drunk, and just have a good time.

Mon Parrain- The name is French for sponsor, godfather, advisor. I wanted to pick something that would fit his initials, MP. He is a "sex in a box", but is also fast becoming a very good friend who is teaching me about myself, my sexuality, and life in general. He has a very complicated life, but is very honest and caring. I hope that soon our relationship will move more towards "dom in a box."

Cassie- She is a friend that I've had for a year or more now. A frenemy tried hooking us up, but nothing really happened so we decided to become friends. I have thought that nothing was happening between us because she didn't like me. On paper we would have been a perfect match, but she never made any ANY move towards me. Turns out she is just painfully shy in the romance department. She recently became a "sex in a box" after I got really flirty with her. **Update: That "sex in the box" didn't last very long as she felt I was taking advantage of her. While I thought I had explained what I was looking for, it obviously didn't really set in. But, despite all that, we are still friends and she has just gotten with a great girl who she's in love with, so I'm happy.

The Pack- This is a family that I have met recently and seem to becoming part of fairly quickly. I answered a CL ad from a couple looking for a third, though they didn't really specify whether they wanted just a third domestically or both domestically and sexually. They offered me sanctuary when I was worried about a guy coming after me and I'm completely taken by them and the life they have to offer. It might just be infatuation, but, right now, I want to be a part of their pack, their beta female. Individually, since I'm not very inventive right now, they are Alpha Male(AM) and Alpha Female(AF), and their two beautiful amazing children are Female Cub(FC) and Male Cub(MC). **Update: This has since blown-up, for many reasons.

The Keeper

And there is one more man in my life, though it hasn't become sex in a box...yet. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed.) A few weeks ago, I answered a CL ad for a man looking for woman interested in being a "kept woman". He's a successful and attractive business man looking for a woman to help financially in return for great conversation and, eventually, great sex when he has time in his busy schedule. In all actuality, I thought I never had a chance. But he responded quickly and we've been exchanging e-mails, about one or two a day, ever since. We mostly talk about everyday things, the basic get-to-know you stuff, with just the right amount of flirting. I'm very excited to meet him. In fact, we were supposed to meet for drinks last Friday, but, once he heard about my surgery, the gentleman that he is, he insisted that we put our meeting off until this Wednesday, when I would be feeling better. And, as he seems to really like a more alternative/goth look, I have been planning my outfit for this date all weekend. Last night, I invited him to read my blog, informing him of how everyone gets a psuedonym, and promising that I would blog about him. So, here is his blog post. Last night, I was trying to come up with a psuedonym for him, something that would be complimentary to "kept woman". He liked Keeper, so it's stuck. I'm sure I'll be writing more about him in the future.

A Few More Boxes

I think I have an abnormally high sex drive. This combined with the fact that I am not too particular about the things most women are when it comes to men (like being married or taken, like the possibility of having a future monogamous romantic relationship, like the possibility of falling in love) means that I have some new "sex in a box" partners. They are very fun but very different. And, of course, I have some new psuedonyms.

The first one I met is Chimera. I met him through the Pack. I helped the Female Alpha interview him as a new possible slave for her on a 3d avatar chat program where they take these kind of relationships very seriously. Unlike the other possible slaves that I had interviewed previously, this young man (20) was very thoughtful and also showed a great deal of potential as a submissive. Outside of talking with him with the rest of the pack, he and I spend a great deal of time away from the Pack. We became quite friendly, as two subs talking about what we wanted out of a dominant. I also learned about his real life situation. He has a beautiful daughter and he is plannning on marrying her mother in the next year or so. While he and his fiancee are kinky in bed, she is a sub and, while he tries hard to fulfill what she desires, she seems to get turned off by what he wants, though she has tried a few times to humor him, though she feels weird afterwards. Unfortunately, I met him right before things disintegrated with the Pack and I didn't want him to risk losing his first chances at having a mistress, albeit only online, by talking to me, if the Female Alpha had a problem with it. As I didn't hear from him for weeks, I assumed that is what happened. But then, a few weeks ago, we started talking again. It seems like he had just become disillusioned by the whole situation because the Female Alpha was not online enough and did not give him the amount of instructions he was hoping for. At first, we were just talking as friends, but within a few days, I found myself taking on the role of a domme for him. It has been rather fun though it was recently been pointed out to me that I haven't been quite as dominant as I should be and that I've been letting his top from the bottom, so I started yesterday being a more demanding, less-playful domme. Unfortunately, Chimera lives in Ohio so all of my domming is being handled long-distance, despite how much I'd like for there to be some kind of sex in the real world.

My other latest "sex in the box" is with Stewart. Or at least that is how he introduced himself when he sent me a random, unsolicited IM last week. Of course, during our first conversation, as all men do, he claimed not to be married or taken, but he was interesting and nice and didn't mention wanting sex right away, so, contrary to what I usually do, which is just block any unsolicited IMs, I continued to talk to him. I saw him on his webcam and I sent him some pics of me. We met up on Wednesday, as I suspected, Stewart wasn't his real name and he is unhappily married. But we had a good lunch with a great conversation and the sex was pretty good, so we are continuing with that as well. Despite the fact that he looks like your average suburban dad and business man and that the sex was pretty vanilla at first, he started to reveal some of his kink today. I really love getting with men who look straight-laced, but are just hiding that they are as strange as I look.

Unfortunately, I don't have any boxes with women. There is a very good reason for this. I do not want to fall in love but I do want sex. I can easily have this with men. And it is actually so much easier to have sex without a risk of your partner wanting a relationship or falling in love if they are already taken. But I couldn't really do with a woman. I have too much respect for women to use them as I do men. And I'd have to play the "I really do want a relationship" game with women, when I know I really don't. Plus, I've found that I can be honest with men about how I feel about sex and relationships and my kinks, whereas I've found that most women don't react well to finding out how I truly feel about those things.

I've also noticed a trend that happens when I'm feeling better, more confident, less needy. I seem to be much more confident and less needy when I'm actually getting sex already, which used to entail being in a relationship. This confidence and un-neediness seems to attract other people, especially men. So, right now, I seem to be collecting men, like poor stray puppies who show up at my door and I just can't seem to turn any of them away. But I'm still not getting enough sex!

Sunday Morning

Back dated for when I actually thought about it.

Have you ever thought about how many songs there are about Sunday mornings? I will grant you that I'm not sure if there are more song that mention Monday mornings or Sunday mornings, but I'm pretty sure that they are neck and neck. And I can't think of a single song about Thursday mornings. Also, the songs that mention Sunday mornings usually include that in the title: "Sunday Morning Coming Down" by Johnny Cash, different songs all called "Sunday Morning" by Velvet Underground, Acid Kings, Lily Allen, No Doubt, and, the one that I'm hearing in my head right now, Maroon 5. (Oh, and another good Sunday song, though morning isn't in the title, is Keith Urban's "Pray That It's Raining on Sunday".) So, here's the song I'll no doubt have stuck in my head all day.

Sunday Morning- Maroon 5
Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and Im calling out to you
Singing someday itll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you
And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Xvl5NIYRMo

**A later thought: Actually listening to this song in the car this afternoon, when I heard the lines "And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew/That someday it would bring me back to you", I realized how true that is for why I so often stay where I am at. Because there is at least on person that I fear losing if I do go. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Absent

So I’m sure you all have missed me for the past month or so and have been dying to know about what I’ve been doing. Unfortunately, most of it hasn’t been that exciting. The greater part of that time has been spent in bed, being depressed. The highlights of those periods have mostly been my panicky suicidal moments and my moments of extreme physical pain, which I thought were digestive/stomach issues, perhaps a hiatal hernia like my mom and uncle have.

Of course there have been romantic/sexual ups and downs. I started what I thought would be a nice “sex in a box” relationship with a shy lesbian female friend of mine, thinking I made my lack of intentions clear, only to find that I hadn’t, that I had made her feel used, and that I’m apparently treating sex “like a man does.” (Thanks Mon Parrain.) I was very sorry about the way it ended and in hurting her, though we are still friends and she has found a great new girlfriend just recently, for which I’m very happy because she does deserve a good girlfriend. I just thought I could be around to fuck until she found that.

I fell hard and fast for a whole family who live 2.5 hours away only to find that, once the depression set in again, my overwhelming desire to lose myself in what they wanted and needed was almost just as self-destructive as my only other desire at that time, to end my own life. So, as much as I hated doing it and being a complete coward about it, I begged Mon Parrain into getting me out of the situation before I did more harm to myself. He hated having to step in the way he did also because he never wanted to dictate my life, or any one’s life, but, as he felt I was a grave danger to myself, he did it. While I may not have agreed with his methods, he did do what I asked of him in the best way possible.

But of course my romantic life hasn’t been all doom and gloom. I spent a wonderful weekend with a wonderful young man who seemed to accept all my weirdness, has plenty of his own, and has made it his goal when we are together to make me laugh and smile. Also, seemingly without any special effort, he makes me feel safe and wanted when I am with him, hell, even sometimes when I am not with him, and that is a very rare thing. Initially, he started out as a conquest. This cute, slender but muscular army boy who was a friend of a friend and the only straight boy in a tiny bar full of only gay men. Though I got his number and we kissed, I was sure he’d forget about me as soon as he returned to the nearby college town where he lives and sobered up. I waited 3 days to call him. The first thing he asked me when I called though was when I was going to come kidnap him for a weekend with me in the Big City. As he looks much younger than he is and also younger than I am, I spent the weeks in between our first meeting and the first weekend we both had free for me to kidnap him, I took to calling him Boy Toy (BT) to all my friends. That will forever be his pseudonym on this blog as well. But what I thought would be a casual weekend of fucking became something more. I knew early on I was in trouble. He is a huge Buffy fan and on our way out to this posh shopping mall, we listened to the Buffy musical soundtrack. It was all over when he fulfilled my secret wish to sing “I’ll Never Tell” as the duet it is in the episode, with me as Anya and him as Xander. But there’s always a catch right? He deploys for Iraq in January and will be spending months before that at the mobilization site, getting ready to deploy. So, I’m trying to look forward to a year (or more) of sending him cartons of Newports, DVDs I think he’ll like, pictures of me, and loving letters. He says he wants to try to date exclusively as soon as he comes back. I guess we’ll have to see if he still feels that way when he returns and if I think I can be faithful then. But he’s such a sweet guy, there are times when I want to run because I fear hurting him. When I expressed this to Mon Parrain, he had a wonderful comeback. “Ava, you have the most perfect opportunity to leave the campsite better than you found it here. You can give this guy, who you really do like, a great time before he leaves and, then, with very little effort on your part, you can greatly improve his experience over there with your care packages and letters and constant reminders of his home, of all the love people back in the States have for him.. Even if nothing comes of the two of you when he returns, you will have been able to make his life that much better while he’s gone.” Considering how much BT has helped make me feel better, it warms my heart to think that I might be able to return the favor.

Another plus in this crazy time is that I’ve realized the amazing friend that I have in Mon Parrain. He is the one who did the dirty work with the family I loved despite his distaste for having to take over any aspect of my life. He has kept in almost constant contact with me despite a demanding work schedule and preparing for and having a baby during this period. When I was at my lowest point, it was really his genuine worry and fear for my safety that make me seek out a more intensive treatment option, though that didn’t work out quite as either of us had planned. They put me on a 72 hour voluntary hold when all I really wanted was to try to switch my meds, see the prescribing doctor more regularly so that if something went wrong I didn’t have to wait months to get it fixed, and perhaps go into an outpatient program. But it was his encouragement that made me stick to being there, to participating in the groups, and to aggressively seeking out the treatment I knew I needed. He also made dozens of fruitless calls to try to talk to me, despite the anarchic phone system. He continuously worked to make me laugh and also pushed me to get back to my writing, especially this story that I’ve been working on in my head since the summer because it intrigues him so much. Several times recently he’s told me that he thinks what makes our relationship so special, at least for him, is that he finally feels like he’s found someone he doesn’t have to lie to, that he can tell me anything and I won’t run away or be disgusted. I’m also smart enough to know what things are said in confidence and what things aren’t, without having to be specifically told. And, in all actuality, I’m not usually shocked by most of what he says. And I’ve found that in him as well. Though he seems to think that I can be the person that no one has to lie to for everyone, few have taken that offer. In talking about other lovers who’s honesty I’m questioning, he’s often said, “But s/he does know that you are the ONE person that s/he doesn’t have to lie to, right?” Apparently, only Mon Parrain feels that way about me, but I’m working hard to make it more universal.

But the biggest, most dramatic think to happen to me was---SURGERY. The short of the story is that I got surgery to have my gallbladder removed last Saturday and it seems to have taken care of all of my stomach problems and my acid reflux issues. Now, for the longer version: Until this semester, I did not have health insurance. A few weeks ago I started the tedious process of student health clinic visits and referral visits, etc, but nothing really happened until I went to the emergency room late Thursday night. While I was in the hospital for my depression, the generalized pain around my ribs had gotten worse and worse, but they weren’t equipped to help me. They also chalked it up to either being a hypochondriac or anxiety. Once in the ER, the doctor pushed on my stomach and the only part that drew howls of pain was when he pushed just below my right ribs. He referred me to get an ultrasound in the morning because they didn’t have a tech on duty that late at night. Friday, instead of getting the ultrasound, my mom and I spent the whole day trying to convince the student health clinic to give us a referral for the ultrasound (which was required by the health insurance company), while I lay at home in bed, writhing in pain, despite the lovely drugs they gave me. Fortunately, one of the ultrasound techs took pity on me and agreed to make an early morning appointment for Saturday, but that meant no food, drink, or drugs after midnight the night before. I was in serious pain by the time I got there Saturday morning for the ultrasound, but he was quick about it and I read his diagnosis over his shoulder. “Gall stones. Thickening of the gallbladder wall.”

Now, my mother had warned me that usually, even if it is a problem with your gallbladder, you have to wait weeks or even months to schedule a surgery. Not me. The tech took us to the ER, so it must have looked pretty bad. When the ER doctor came gave me a choice between surgery today or…well, I don’t really know what the other choice was because I told him to cut me open then and take care of it.

So Saturday I had laproscopic surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I went home Sunday afternoon. The surgeon said that I would have gone home Saturday but there was some drainage he was worried about, so he kept me overnight. There are two small incisions just below my ribs, one larger spot where the drain was, and my belly button is kinda messed up and bruised (because that’s where they pulled out my gallbladder) I’m sore, though less with each day, and I have to hold my stomach when I laugh or cough or sneeze. But this surgery has made me feel 100x better.

As soon as the surgery was over, I noticed that the weird pouchy roll that I’d developed around my middle during the past few months was suddenly gone. And I doubt they did any free liposuction so it must have just been swelling and bloating that never went away until the gallbladder did. The deep dark circles under my eyes that wouldn’t go away no matter how much sleep I got were also gone. So was the weird acne that had been plaguing me all summer. Even the acid reflux seems to have gone away. I never would have guessed that an organ you can just as easily live without and that you can take out so easily could cause so many problems for so long. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if a great deal of my very recent depression and suicidal-ness was not due in some part to the toxicity my body was no doubt experiencing from my mal-functioning gallbladder and/or my body’s inability to properly process my meds. I guess I’ll never know.

What I do know is that I feel so much better. As much as my still recovering body will allow, I plan on getting back to my life, making right things I let go when I was depressed, getting things back on track, and, hopefully, getting ready to return to school next semester. Unfortunately, I was so stuck in my depression that I chose not to go to class or work so I’ve ruined this semester of school and lost my amazing job. But there’s always next semester and I might be able to grovel, re-apply, and get my job back next semester as well.

So look forward to hering more from me. Sorry for the extended absence.