Saturday, October 24, 2015

Finite Resources

This week, my first week back after three months off but only exactly 8 weeks off after my c-section, I worked 53 hours, all of them on my feet. I also took care of my daughter during the day, did chores around the house before and after work, spent hours on the phone trying to deal with medical insurance for my tiny human. I have gotten to see my tiny human about four hours a day. I haven't seen my girlfriend since I left for work on Sunday. I have gotten maybe 20 total minutes of sexual contact with my boyfriend. Because I had to go into work on one of my usual days off, the boyfriend and I didn't get to celebrate my iud becoming fully effective today. I had to cancel plans I had for Friday night to go see a movie and visit the local dungeon for the first time with someone I've dated. Instead of spending time with and talking to my significant others, my mom, and the few close friends I have, or just being by myself, I've had to spend 9 hours a day for five days, and 8 hours on a sixth day, in a room full of people I don't know very well or trust or feel comfortable with, being friendly and answering questions about how my tiny human is doing, which just reminds me that I've left her behind.  
A lot of people on the kinky social networking site talk about how they are polyamorous because they have an infinite amount of love. That is most definitely not true for me. The amount of love I have is finite. The amount of patience I have is finite. The amount of emotional energy I have is finite. I wanted an open or at least monogamish relationship. I am poly because I fell in love with him, he already had a her, and I fell in love with her too. But my love, my energy, my time, and my patience are all finite. I know this is not true for everyone but it is true for me. When I have to expend more emotional energy, more time, more love in one area, I have less to give elsewhere. This is exacerbated by being tired, lonely, and dealing with my own mental health issues. All this makes me empty and hollow and callous. 
Right now I might want more sex but there is a part of me that only wants it in the meanest possible way. I want to use someone and not give two shits. I want to find someone who I know can't get sex easily somewhere else and use them because I know they will work harder to keep the sex than anyone else and they will continue even though I don't care about them. I know that sounds horrible, but that's what I feel right now, which is why I try not to look for sex at moments like this no matter how much I want to have more sex and no matter how much that is perfectly alright with in the parameters of my relationship.
Ginger is developing a romantic relationship with someone who's been her friend for over half of her life. As she talked about this relationship and just how she feels about romantic relationships in general, I realized how far apart we are in how we feel and how we look at the world. I would not describe her as naive. She has had a much harder life than I have, hung out with and been protected by some shady characters who loved her in ways even her family did not, and has worked very hard to get to where she is in all areas of her life. Given all this, I find her views on romantic relationships surprisingly ...romantic. She is poly so she can add more love to her life. She and the Professor both feel that they are as made for each other as two people can be. She wants and needs a romantic relationship in her life where she doesn't feel they will leave her.
I don't know how much of this is me just being willful, how much is just being super emotionally tired, but I don't share any of those feelings in my own life. I don't think there is anyone we are made to be with. I feel like my experience has taught me that people will always leave you, even if it is just through their own unavoidable death. It is exceedingly rare that I meet someone that can inspire enough lust in me for me to make time for them and I have serious doubts about meeting someone I'll want to pursue any kind of love relationship with. Even before the tiny human, I did not have extra romantic love to give anyone. I barely have enough for the two people I'm already with.
What sort of scares me is that I'm not even sure when this happened. I used to be much more idealistic. As I write this, all I can feel is the hardness around my heart.
Something he said last weekend has stuck in my head. We had the day alone to play. We've been playing with some new dirty talk stuff and it's been really exciting. He never says something that some part of him, however small, doesn't believe. After a particularly intense discussion about all the things he'd use to show to me how attractive I still am, not just to him but to other people, he looked at me and said, "But you're not hot when you're a bitch." To emphasize that he wasn't just being playful, he followed it up with "You can be vulnerable sometimes."
And maybe he's right. I know that I've had a particularly bad case of resting bitch face this week at work. But I don't have the time or emotional energy to sort through who I can trust here and who I may like, even if I had the time and emotional energy to have more people in my life, in any capacity. With all the complications any sort of relationship at work brings, I'm a bit glad that I'm not hot there. Already dodging one co-worker, who is older than my parents, and who definitely inspiring that emotional sadist in me. I just don't have the time or energy that she needs.