Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Discussion Topics for Sunday-Take 1

Just some things I thought about at work today, in no particular order.

How much should one change their speech, clothes, manner for a job, to do that job 'correctly'? I can understand and agree with the idea that people should speak proper English for a professional job, especially when the have to talk to the public. But what about their voice? If they sound too gay or too foreign or too southern? I also understand professional dress. Especially in today's current working environment, people will wear anything if you don't tell them they can't. But should we all look alike, like clones, even wearing the uniform in the same way? What is the plus side of that? What is the down side of that? I also understand people developing and practicing more professional etiquette but when does that push out commraderie and fun that one has to have at least a little of to put up with your job everyday? [I was thinking about this today as I was listening to one fellow trainee who was practicing scheduling pick-ups. There are no 'scripts' persay but there is 'preferred phrasing'. After at least five days of working on this, this person still spoke in incomplete sentences and was completely unprofessional. How can anyone think this is ok? But where does this wipe out your identity?]

Funny story-Here at my new job at a large shipping company, we ship a good deal of stuff for the government. We even have a special "Government Desk" to handle those shipments. When scheduling a pick-up, we are taught to ask what they are shipping, often to ensure that it is not something hazardous that we can not ship, or, if it is HazMat that we do ship, it has proper paperwork. Our trainer was telling us today that the government often ships packages that are highly secured and have to be watched at all times, though the government never tells us what is really in the packages. Once, when a container was damaged and we had to repack it, the government quickly demanded the photos that had been taken to document what had happened (routine for damaged packages). Our trainer said that, on the government desk, they were instructed to ask "And are you shipping ELECTRONICS, as usual, today?" Unless it has any hazardous goods, they always say yes.

How big of a deal should it be if your significant other, or potential SO, smokes weed? In what ways is smoking weed different (or, really, worse) than drinking alcohol? As long as neither is a problem in their life, should it be a deal breaker? And how come everyone I know smokes weed?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Writing--"My next first kiss"

Waiting on my semi-blind date to show up, but I can't help thinking about you. One might never remember the last kiss, mostly because they never think it will be their last one. But one always remembers the first. You weren't even my last first kiss, but, as I hope for my next first kiss, I still think about ours. Wonder how this one will be different. Better. Worse. More awkward. The beginning of something or a failed test drive.

Two men at a nearby table are, I think, having their first date. The older, white gentleman is talking about trying to build a relationship with his ex. I really hope I don't talk about you like this to my date. His date is a beautiful dreadlocked black man who looks a decade younger than the other man. He reminds me of Steve Ewing, which of course reminds me of you.

I keep trying to dream of "my future life dream", the new one I need. The one that doesn't include you. Or anyone else for that matter. At least not romantically. Last night, I told you I want you to push me to move away from the Midwest when I finish up schooling here. To move where I know no one, or at least not like I know people here. I like thinking it will be San Francisco, gay-central, 60s all year round, sea right there. You liked the idea too. I wonder about what kind of life I'd have to show you when you've visited, what places, what friends. I bet we'd find excellent sushi there. Maybe by then I'll be able to pay for it. Published author- novels, short fiction, and essays/freelance articles for magazines. A small but cozy house, hopefully NOT a fixer-upper, but still in the city, or close enough to it. Or a comfy loft or apartment that I own, outright. Full of books. Full of the best and newest technology. Lots of movies on DVD, or whatever is the latest way of keeping films. Comfy chairs all around ( I really like chairs and recliners more than couches, but I'm sure I'll have at least one of those, just to make out on.). Enough acquaintance to get invited to parties and have fun but not too many that i don't have any time to myself. A few very close friends to lean on when I need it, who I can be devoted to also. But I hope that you'd still be my bestfriend, visiting often. Maybe you'd move out here for a good job. You'd be my relief from the lesbian drama and all my self-importance. My link to a past where I was just another girl, where I wasn't known at all, where I wasn't a published writer. I hope to exercise every few days. Meditate daily and be a real part of a sangha. Have a semi-strict writing schedule. Have a piano that I play regularly. Have a big bed. Have big windows. Maybe how to cook food that is better for me. Be healthy and comfortable in my skin, physically and emotionally, even if I'm not average or thin. Be open to love but not grasping at it, feel like I'm nothing without it. Know more about myself sexually. Be politically and socially involved in all kinds of stuff. No kids myself but helping underpriveleged children maybe.

NO KIDS. Weird concept. All the time I was sleeping with men, I never doubted that I'd have kids. With you, I felt early on that I wanted to have your children, that it would be a privelege, though we didn't have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy because we didn't have sex. Before that, I was sure I'd have kids before I was ever ready. Now that I'm only seeing women in my future (or your celibate self, unfortunately I do still want that, but I'm trying), I'm free of that worry. It feels oddly liberating, but also wrong, transgressive. I suppose it still is transgressive. Most women still say they want kids, someday at least. Even lesbians, maybe especially lesbians, dream of creating families. But then who takes care of you, if you don't have kids? It's not like I have siblings & neices/nephews to take care of me. But, on the other hand, my kids would probably just push me into an impersonal nursing home where I'd just wait to die. How depressing! The freedom of your life belonging to you is the trade-off of dying alone. One never thinks of this when they are planning on dying young, any day now, from a much mourned though always expected suicide.

I hope that I leave somehting indelable behind, even if I end up dying childless in a nursing home, alone. A revered book read centuries later that changes lives. Do you think anything written centuries before can be life changing, life saving? Ok, so maybe just read a few decades later. Interesting essays that work as historical reference for future students wanting an intelligent discussion of some aspect of contemporary life-LGBT issues, politics, feminism, art, music, anything.

I wish I could draw so I could visualize my new dream. I have to develop a dream that is without a romance, or a clearly defined significant other. So that it can by my rock, my solid ground for my future, no matter how crazy my current life is- something to drive me when the current work seems too much. All I have at this moment is a face-less date and your assurance that you believe I could be the best, kindest person you've ever known.

Still waiting for my next first kiss.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Wise Words x3

Three phrases of wisdom that are really helping me right now:

Life doesn't give you more than you can handle.-T

When it's time to go, you know.- My Mom

Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.- movie Weatherman (though this is a variation on something that T has said many times)

Little Past Little Rock- Lee Ann Womack

How I feel as I get off work tonight. Wish I was taking that drive out to larger Midwestern city, just to enjoy putting miles behind me. But I'll go for a long drive this weekend here. I'm glad I'm not putting myself into what I know will be disaster.

Little Past Little Rock- Lee Ann Womack
I had to leave my life in Dallas
That town will always be you
In every crowd, on every corner
In every face I'd see you
So with nothin' more than a tank of gas
I drove away without lookin' back
And I guess that's how I got where I am
And goin' anywhere as fast as I can

And I'm a little past Little Rock
Further down the line
Too soon to know what's up ahead
Too late to change my mind
I gotta keep my heart out of this
and both hands on the wheel
I'm learnin' more with every mile
just how leavin' feels
It's a lonely stretch of blacktop out into the blue
Don't know where I'll go or what I'll do
I'm a little past Little Rock
But a long way from over you

These headlights on the highway
Disappear into the dark
And if I could have my way
I'd go back to where you are
Oh, but I can't turn this thing around
And nothing short of breaking down
Is gonna get me off this road I'm on
Oh, and I'm still a far cry from gone

And I'm a little past Little Rock
Further down the line
Too soon to know what's up ahead
Too late to change my mind
I gotta keep my heart out of this and both hands on the wheel
I'm learnin' more with every mile just how leavin' feels
It's a lonely stretch of blacktop out into the blue
Don't know where I'll go or what I'll do
I'm a little past Little Rock
But a long way from over you

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Broken Road- Rascal Flatts

To whoever I end up with, I'll think of meeting you every time I hear this.

Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Chorus:Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Things That Are Me

So, you build your life up from the bottomless pit that is your depression with alot of help and guidance from a wonderful significant other. You think that you will never fall back into the depths of sorrow that you once felt. You separate from that significant other but remain VERY close friends. While you don't quite think you are over this person, you do not think it is that big of a deal. They date other people but it doesn't seem to bother you TOO much. (The dates don't go so well, though, so that might be part of it.) And then your former significant other, who you still feel is the love of your life and who you are confident you will be back with someday, finds someone else. The day they meet, they start dating exclusively. And this new person seems well matched with your former SO and they seem truly wonderful. Your world falls apart. You feel like nothing is worth doing or striving for without the possibility of a future with this person. You feel like you are losing all your progress. You worry that all you've been is just a mirror of the person you were with. All you want is that feeling back. But you can't have it.

So, what do you do? You start from scratch, kinda. Or at least that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep a constantly updating list of things that I feel are me and not just what I reflect from other people. I am going to try not to throw anything out just because I associate it with someone else, but I am going to disregard the things that I feel I ONLY do because of others expectations of me.

Left-wing, liberal, progressive
Lead by emotion more than my head, for better and for worse

Movie Watching-good and bad, not Napolean Dynamite-sorry T, indie, foreign, obscure, gay, sexual
Like being knowledgable about pop culture
Love reading
Have to write
Singing loudly to the radio
Exercise, when I feel up to it

Food-italian, sushi, junk food, fruit, chocolate, seafood, sugared soda, alcohol-not too strong, Mtn. Dew and Coke Classic
Music-indie, country, classic rock, funky romantic stuff
Scented candles
Being warm
Art, art theory

Watching sports
Sports video games
Indecision (in other people)
Sean Hannity

Things I want to be
Hardworking, not Lazy
Not suicidal
Logical, or more logical anyway
Financially comfortable
A published author
A partner to someone I love and who is in love with me