Monday, October 01, 2018

Build a Better Boat

This was the first song that I heard as I drove away after dropping the kids off today. It was actually the first time I'd ever heard the whole song, but every time I heard it, I heard enough to know what it was about, and that it made me cry. And today god radio decided to let me hear all of it.

Build a better boat, Kenny Chesney


"Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain't working, what's still hurtin'
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can't control
I'm learning how to build a better boat "

I worry about talking about this because I worry it makes me look bad. I worry it makes you look like a bad parent or bad mom, which I feel like anyway, which I feel like everyone believes me to be anyway. But I need to say it somewhere so I guess I'm going to say it here.

Being a single parent is hard. Getting the hang of it is hard. And I know that I'm privileged to have my parents helping me and I am lucky to have a partner right now, who does help, even if that help gets limited by several factors, including that my daughter just wants to follow me around all the time. But it doesn't mean that it's still not hard.

Their dad does the full-time stay-at-home parent thing and I'm definitely not saying that's not hard either. I know how frustrating and tiring it can feel just after a couple days when one won't listen and the other is throwing fits and no one is happy. Even just a full weekend can completely wipe out everything I have. Even though it hadn't been my plan when I started school, I have started taking on more time with my daughter because of that. He expressed that he was tired and frustrated and needed help and that she needed her mom more. So now I have her all weekend on the weekends I am not in clinicals (unpaid nursing apprenticeship) which ends up being 5 days on those weeks, and then I have her Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday afternoon and evening on the weeks that I do have clinicals. I still take both kids every other Tuesday and some of those weekends I have both of the kids.

The adjustment has been difficult at times. This weekend I have a test on Monday and the only times I might have gotten to study are after they went to bed, but I'm too tired. I just dropped the kids off early, but that was so that I could go into work on Sunday evening for inventory. I have no idea when I will get done. Then I work tomorrow and go straight to class to take the test. Generally, the only non kid or non class nights I have are directly before clinicals. And even with having more time, I don't feel like I get quality time with either of the kids except on the weekends. The weekend that tire and frustrate me are the only times I actually get to spend quality time with them because every other night is really just driving, dinner, bath, stories, sleep. 

And I don't feel like I get any right to bitch or complain. Others have it harder. Others do more. It's harder being the stay-at-home parent. I should have been doing a schedule like this from the start but I spent a year wrapped up in myself and in getting better and now I'm finally being a proper parent.

There is another thing. I dropped the kids off today and  their dad came out to help get them out of the car and their other mom, my son's biological mom's, came out to greet the kids as well. The four od them looked like a family, especially with her as the quintessential Mama Bear,  that her Facebook shows as well. Always working and sacrificing and never thinking of herself. (Which isn't untrue.) They looked like a family. Their son who I feel like it was made clear isn't "really" my son when we broke up, who I don't know how to reach or control. My daughter who often still feels like this crazy beautiful ball of light and energy but not what I imagined my child would feel like, ya know? They looked like what a family is supposed to look like and I was just there on the outside. (Of course, I probably know better than most where all the cracks are, all the ways in which they aren't perfect, but my rational mind isn't really playing a part in this. )

I am getting the hang of it though. If alone, pick parks and playgrounds where the boy-child has less of a chance to get away. But take them to the park, or to play outside, as much as possible. He's a loner and you have to keep teaching her consent when playing with other kids, since she wants to kiss and hug all of them. Car rides ensure naps. Sometimes they won't eat and that's ok. Make sure she doesn't eat too much or you'll be up with a puking toddler all night. Find ways to let her help. I can only manage one child if I'm alone at water parks and movies, etc. Remember all the grocery stores with carts that accomodate two children  (like Aldi.) Give up on making them go to actual sleep or on putting them in separate beds until they're actually asleep. When having both children over the weekend, shower at night to sleep in the next morning. The boy-child will not let you sleep. 

Don't mistake me. I don't want to go back to my old relationship just so I am living with the people I coparent with. There were things that were easier but it isnt what I want for my life anymore. And I don't want to not parent either. I know there is a way to blend what I'm doing in the work on myself and raising these kids, or at least my daughter, if for no other reason than I don't have a choice. But goddamn is it hard. And lonely. And often it doesn't have any good or right answers. And I just need the void to hear me say that. 

Saturday, August 04, 2018

Your Own Little Island

I had a conversation just fall flat when I started on about something I find super interesting, that makes my soul sing, earlier in the day, which is why it hurt me so much when I saw it happen from the other side. He messaged me from some foreign land, having some great experience with people he had just met but felt an instant affinity for, the kind of experience that is exactly what he travels for, a feeling I have rarely if ever felt, something I don't know how to respond to. 

I've wrestled recently inside myself with thoughts and ideas that I don't yet have words to describe and am not sure I know anyone who would understand. It took me six months to stop hurting. It has taken me over a year to want to be the person I was when I met them. A person who was at once both open to love and practical. A person who wanted the truth and could let the truth hurt her while also being devoted to it. But I now have to find a way to be that again, especially when that isn't who many people, especially my partner, know me as. I also have to find a way to integrate everything into one life, the ideals and the realities, that girl with the experiences she's had since then. 

I'm at a weird place in my kink. I'm not even sure if I can explain why or even how. Every time I begin to write it, I think, "wait, no, that isn't exactly true either bc of this other experience." I don't feel like my body can take the same level of pain but I do still want it and to experience other things. I still feel the need for those things, especially for those things to have meaning. I want that and I want to serve. At the same time, I also have less tolerance for bullshit and posing and people who don't deserve my respect. I am more likely now to call people Sir and Ma'am because of where they stand in the community but I also have even less respect when I feel they don't live up to that. I'm not sure where I fit in. As always, I know that my partner and I will ultimately decide what works best for us and what names we choose to assign to that. And I know the things that really work for me and that really work for us. But I feel a bit in a tail spin about the rest though. I love our sex life. I love being his. I love being available at any time for his use, especially since selfishly it scratches my itch as well. I like that I don't have to initiate though I am working more on doing that so he knows he is desired. I like it rough. I like being hurt, though the circumstances there are undefined. I love serving him. I like serving select others with his permission. I like feeling useful in our community though I am selective about who I do that for or with. There. That is all I know. I don't even KNOW know that I'm a submissive, as I've felt decidedly unsubmissive lately, or a slave, despite being his slave. Maybe it is the company I keep, but I've even thought I might not mind topping the right person. I don't know. It's all weird in there right now. 

I am at a weird place about relationships. When my last relationship ended, I was scared of "sharing" my partner. I could barely process my emotions around every day living without falling apart. I couldn't do the heavy emotional lifting and communication that comes with an open relationship. I'm getting better. Maybe I'm still not ready to though. I didn't then and still don't feel like my relationships ended because they were not monogamous. I believe someone can see poly as a route to more and deeper commitments instead of a way to stay free, though both are valid and justifiable. I believe someone can love me and someone else, can push me to go on dates and explore because they want me to have experiences, not because they don't care. I believe that it is possible for everyone to be made stronger by having someone they love in their corner who also calls them on their shit when they are having trouble with someone else they love, even if the person they are having trouble with is their wife and the person in their corner is their girlfriend. I also know it can go horribly wrong, but it could go horribly wrong with no one on their corner or their bestfriend in their corner. I know I don't have the time or emotional energy to give to two romantic sexual partners. I hope that someday I am but I hope that relationship finds me and my partner, develops in its own way and time and with lots of trust and comminication and friendship between them. Or the other way around. I have hopes that my partner and I share more awesome sexual romantic experiences. I hope we find ways to develop our own trust and comminication together so we can take advantages of solo experiences and have the discernment to turn down ones that would negatively impact ourselves or our family. I am still struggling with how to express the beauty and freedom of soul I find possible in the way poly theoretically handles relationships while also demonstrating that it can be just as committed as any monogamous relationship. That freedom to do negotiated things doesn't translate to me as freedom to just do whatever I want and it isn't for me freedom to not let my partner have a large say, even ultimate say, in what I do. I also don't know how to express that living more closely with theoretical poly ideals is about making my life and relationship work better,  not about ending my relationship. 

I am also in an odd place with my interests. Well, no, I guess I've been here before but maybe I just feel more lonely in it than usual. At my current job, I listen to podcasts all day while I work. I particularly like ones about movies and Hollywood history. They drive me to want to watch more movies and to look at them with a new eye, both at the physical composition and the cultural, historical, and academic aspects. Almost 2 years ago, I watched this movie Martyrs after listening to my academic horror movie podcast, Faculty of Horror. It blew my mind. It was amazing. Then just last week, it was featured on another movie podcast The Canon, about films that should be in the canon of important films. Their conversation brought something new into it that the other podcast hadn't. Not only did I immediately want to watch it again but I wanted to talk about this really interesting idea they had brought up. But there is no one in my life who would be interested in it. For as much as several people in my life decry the fragmentation of society because we can all find people who share our very small and specific interest, there is something to being able to find those 5 people who all share your interest and can discuss something with you, even if they are all on different continents. It doesn't mean I haven't come to like the large, "everyone is welcome" weekly social for kinksters of all varieties. I just wish I could have these conversations with someone and it makes me really lonely when I realize I can't. 

There's a quote from Gone Girl that has always stuck with me just as much as the Cool Girl rant: "Can you imagine, finally showing your true self to your spouse, your soul mate, and having him not like you? So that's how the hating first began." Having the people you most love and like not like the real you is horrible. Having none of them get you might be the runner up to it though. You're still a part of the state but you're also alone on this weird island with all the weird beautiful things you love and people only make day trips before they get weirded out and go home. 

It's 1am. Far away from me, my partner and Master has gone to bed, where I can not care for him or serve him. I'm going to climb into a bed alone where I will not get enough sleep before the miniture humans wake me up. I feel like I've put some of my feelings into words but not all of them. Not even half. But it is something. 

Monday, March 05, 2018

Never gonna be easy

I heard this song for the first time tonight as I pulled into the grocery store. I had the thought "I wish someone felt that way about me" and I almost cried. I mean, i know the Emperor has told me before that I make his life easier, better. But there's another side where I know I don't. And I know well enough that that side is really large.

Sitting here tonight in my little cubby, in Ava's grotto, after a stupid fight, because I honestly could give a fuck about... well at this point sadly at all about the sexual harassment stuff that is coming out. At this point it feels like so many people have been accused and so many people habe said they've experienced it that I'd like to burn the whole damn world down because we're all fucking assholes and we've all been fucked over, but I digress. None of this shit pays my bills, does my homework, get my daughter any closer to being potty trained, so I don't fucking care right now. But we still argued about it. I thought it was just a discussion until suddenly it wasn't and it was just another way I'm not right. When he asked why I do this, I didn't have an answer. Because I just do. But that doesn't mean I want to change it. Even if it means I end up in arguments.  Ever wonder why I don't discuss things? Why i just slide through the world as often as I can anymore?

Look I realize I am hard to love, harder still to like. Why do you think I am ok being by myself? But sitting here I realized that I do all these other things because I know I'm hard to love and like so I go out of my way in whatever way I can so the people I love or like will continue to love or like me. Why did i do all those things in the last relationship? Why do I serve? Why do I take on so much? Why do I try to go the extra mile? Because it is what I can do to make up for the fact that I'm hard to love and like.

Monday, January 08, 2018

What it looks like vs what it feels like

The Emperor and I spent last night forging new friendships. As these are not people that were already his friends, not people that I am I trying to be my best me around, I could just be me. In fact that was a big part of last night, All of us being open and honest, so we could really see if we actually clicked. One of the members of the group is a therapist and called into question my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. She said that I exhibited a self-awareness and a level of empathy that most borderlines do not. It was a great compliment from a woman I m coming to like and respect. But, as I pointed out to the Emperor on the drive home, she has only seen who I am when I am out there. Not who I m on my worst days. 

A few months ago, the Emperor and I started watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on Netflix. The show centers on Rebecca, a Harvard and Yale educated New York lawyer who moves to e small town outside of LA to be near a guy she dated as a teenager at summer camp, with musical numbers in each episode revealing characters inner lives. Over the course of the first two seasons, she engages in all sorts of shenanigans (stalker behavior played for laughs) to get closer to this guy, even managing to date and become engaged to this guy, only for him to not show up for their wedding. This last Friday, we tapped into CW online to binge watch this season so far. After being left at the altar, Rebecca starts to spiral out of control and alienate her friends, her wacky hi-jinks becoming scary movie stalker behavior. She flees back to her mother's house in New York and her breakdown climaxes in a suicide attempt, hospitalization, and diagnosis as....yep, borderline. In the episode with the diagnosis, her therapist tells her that she must exhibit five of the ten symptoms that she lists. I ticked off what I feel I exhibit on my hand as the show flashbacked to our protagonist's behavior in previous episodes, as she her exhibits many of them. I got to 7. She got to 9. 

When we started watching the show, it was a bit of a lighthearted joke. "This is what it's like in your head all the time, huh?" the Emperor asked as the songs in Rebecca's head revealed her "sexy" getting ready time, which is not so sexy, and her hope that the sexy stranger she brings home won't be a murderer, and we see this very smart woman act in ways that don't always make sense and are often self-sabatoging. Obviously, he and I suspected that her crazy might also be my crazy. I still think that they managed to create a very flawed but still sympathetic character, especially for the viewer who has dealt with mental illness. But as this current season started to unfold, we were both faced with how dark life can get when dealing with this mental illness, especially given the parallels to my suicide attempt last spring. 

But I was impressed with how they handled it and felt good about how much better I was doing then last spring, or even a few months ago, when my depression reared its ugly head with the longer days and the time change. Then, our friend said what she said. I was feeling pretty good about where I am. 

Then today hit. Last night, I had several drinks and stayed up way too late, resulting in too little sleep before a very busy Monday at work. While I was at work, I mostly felt good. At least I didn't feel sleepy, but that is what happens when you are running around the whole time. I did have several periods through the day where I felt a little lost. Sometimes the amount of work around you, the sheer feeling that it is never ending, can be very daunting, can leave me feeling unsure about what to do next. But it was still mostly fine. Then came the text conversation about dinner. 

I am usually late from work on Mondays and the Emperor was supposed to have a work function keeping him out later than usual, probably later even than I would be. We don't currently have many things that would be easy for me to make that we haven't eaten a million times so this moring I suggested we scavenge - leftovers or cereal or soup, each person eating whatever they wanted. But over lunch I checked my calorie counter app and I had the calories in there to have fried chicken, which I had been craving. I decided to bring the idea up to the Emperor over text. Of course, I waiting until later in the day, as my day got to to it's busiest time, when I was already frazzled and wouldn't have as much time to answer back. I am going to write what the actual texts were, along with what went on in my head. Even as it was happening, a little part of me, a part of me that had a little more distance on the situation, could tell it was a perfect example of how I am not as ok as I seem. 

Me (3:46pm): I have room in my calories for fried chicken tonight. Would you like me to pick up some? Or do you have a better idea for dinner? 
Him (4:01pm): What happened to scavenging?

OMG it's not like that is always better calorie wise either. I'm kinda tired of cereal and there really isn't enough spaghetti for both of us. And I know that i'm supposed to be helping out with dinner ideas too but there just isn't much that I can make right now, even less that I feel like he would like. Maybe I could text the Professor and ask him how to make fajitas? How did he not make the meat all tough when he cooked it? If I got out early enough I could hit the grocery store. Ugh. But I'm gonna be tired and I don't want to do that. It's not like he's offering up any ideas or thinking he's going to not be too tired to cook. Fuck. I thought I was doing ok at helping out with the cooking. And I know that going out to eat all the time was a problem with his ex but I don't feel like we do it all the time and I'm going to be buying this anyway. Fine. Fuck it. I'm just not going to eat. If we're scavenging, he can scavenge his own and I'm just not going to eat. Maybe he's right. Maybe I don't need fried chicken. [Note to the reader: he never actually said that at all.] But he'll get mad if I don't eat anything because it will be seen as being all passive aggressive. And it is. And I shouldn't do that. Fuck. Ok, so what does he want me to make?

Me (5:01pm): Just been craving. Fits in my calories. If I get more than we need for tonight we can scavenge it later. It's no biggie though. We can scavenge what we have. 
Me (5:01pm): Just an idea. You didn't seem to like scavenge idea this morning.
Him (5:20pm): You can get chicken. 

How did he mean that? Was it like you say smiling to your kid that they can have ice cream after they make a good case for it? Or begrudging like you say "fine you can have ice cream" to your kid? Is he gonna be upset with me when I get home that I made a shitty food choice and a shitty financial choice for going to get chicken? Fine, fuck it. I won't get chicken. We'll just scavenge. But if I go back on it after he already said ok, maybe I'm going to have a fight about it, either now over text when he's about to go do work stuff at 6, or when he gets home because he got his mouth all set for chicken and I didn't get chicken. Fuck this is so stupid. I have no idea how he means any of this just by these texts. This is such a perfect example of a time when a normal, not mentally ill person would just be having a regular conversation and I'm making it into this whole argument in my head when we aren't even having an argument and I'm getting mad over things he hasn't said at all. And I'm probably only doing this because I drank last night and didn't get enough sleep. There is absolutely nothing here except for what I'm making it out to be. 

Me (5:53pm): Thank you Sir. Have fun at the work thing. I'm about to leave work now. 

You know what happened when I got home? We kissed, we talked, we sat down and ate our chicken while we watched an episode of our current Netflix show. That's it. He's not upset. I'm not upset. We're both kinda tired and will probably be going to bed soon. That's it. But for the better part of two hours as my body was doing work, my mind was convinced of a million things that we're true, which worked me up and made me frustrated, angry, sad, and feel like I was a shitty partner and girlfriend. For absolutely no goddamn reason. But that is what the crazy is. It's the ineffective but seemingly inescapable tape that plays in our head about how fucked up we are, how fucked up others are, and how fucked up our lives are until we believe things that aren't true or aren't true in the extreme way we now believe they are and then we act on false belief. The more desperate and/or helpless that tape leaves us feeling, the more desperate and extreme our actions become. No, I have never moved across the country for an old flame like Rebecca or done most of the crazy stalker-y behavior that she does in the show, but I have acted impulsively, extremely, ineffectively, and on ideas I was sure were true that weren't. I do better now. Most of the time. On most days. But I'm still not "normal" and I'm pretty sure I never will be. Not even in the ways that I wish I was or try really hard to be. But I still have to try. 

I think for me one of the most true things in the show was when Rebecca tells one of a friend who was very scared for her after the suicide attempt that she can't promise her that it won't happen again, even though she wishes she could. I often tell people that I can't tell them that either, and that I know for sure that I will probably be hospitalized more times in my life, though I do hope that it is because I chose to go into a hospital for a med change rather than after a suicide attempt. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do with ourselves is not set ourselves up to fail, to let "failure" be a part of the plan all along, to accept that we will fall off the wagon but what matters more is that we get back on it.