Friday, November 24, 2017

Difficulty Sharing


Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles
In laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life
How about love?

When i had dinner with TyRoy and his wife recently, his wife said that she thought a people should be together through all four seasons before they get married, especially getting to experience all the holidays together, seeing how each person and their family handles them, as she talked about her daighter making wedding plans with a newish boyfriend. Despite how much I like rushing into marriage, I don't disagree.

I don't feel like my family has a ton of set in stone traditions. Those are mostly trying not to fight and having way WAY more to do than I actually have time to do so I'm super stressed out. Oh, and a ton of crying. The last two years, we had the new holiday tradition of me forcing a tight schedule so we can visit everyone's family while my then partners were annoyed and frustrated with me for it. This year Im starting a new tradition where I try really hard to be happy for my exes and my kids to do holiday stuff without me while attempting not to die inside or start fights with my exes or my current partner about the exes, whether accidentally or on purpose. Pretty proud of myself for doing well on that so far. But none of those are really traditions a new partner wants to hear or fold into their own. 

I actually feel like any "traditions" I have are just the things I like to do or have. Just a tiny bit of snow on the ground, please please please? Eggnog. The Muppets and John Denver Christmas album. Alt rock and weird Christmas music, especially "the heartache can wait," "merry christmas from the family," "winter song," "good day for a new year," "I'll be hating you for christmas." Saturday Night Live Christmas episode. The Grinch. Movies that happen at Christmas but aren't about Christmas like Die Hard, Gremlins, Rare Exports, Black Christmas. 

Rent is one of those movies / CDs as well. I came to it very late. It had played at the theater for travelling Broadway shows that I'd worked at but it hadn't really gotten to me. Then, a chick I was on a date with played the album for me and from the beginning harmonies of Seasons of Love I was hooked. The date was in the fall so listening to it going into the holiday season that year just felt right. I had a copy of the first disk in my cd alarm clock and I woke up to Seasons of Love everyday. It was great. Then the movie came out just a few years before I started losing members of my family. If I remember correctly, I went to see it with my mom, my uncle, and his boyfriend, maybe my ex (or was he still my bf then?) Moneypenny and maybe my uncle's ex-wife, over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. It was awesome. I Ioved it. I cried so much but it has a heartwarming, if stupid, ending so it is mostly all good in the end. 

My favorite song might be "I'll Cover You," both versions of it. I listened to the duet version on the way to work this morning. I was a fan of Jesse L Martin from his days on Law and Order before I realized he was Tom Collins in Rent or the Negro League's baseball player on The X-Files who can't play in the Majors or someone might realize he's really an alien. The love story between Tom and Angel is the sweetest love story in the show, and the one least complicated by the characters being selfish assholes. The duet of the song is fun and sweet, making Tom's version at her funeral all the more gut-wrenching. 

Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back
With one thousand kisses
Be my lover
And I'll cover you

Not to embarass him, but for all the romantic gestures he's awesome at, the Emperor is not one to be able to remember lyrics or connect songs to just the right moments, so my dreams of doing that duet with the genders reversed are out the window (which is ok because he is amazing at so much other stuff he doesn't need any more) but I was thinking about singing it to him. 
Open your door
I'll be your tenant
Don't got much baggage
To lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there
And I'll cover you
Which made me think about sharing it with him. I know Rent is one of the few musicals he hasn't seen, though I'm not sure why.  (Maybe I should ask why before I try to make him watch it.) While I love it, I also know that it is maybe not as awesome as those who love it feel it is and it is kinda a downer, which I'm already accused of liking too many dark and/or downer things, so maybe just make him listen to the good, upbeat songs? I don't know. 

This is the hard part about sharing so many of the things I love. So many are dark and/or difficult that if the person doesn't already love it, it can be very difficult to talk someone into checking it out with you. Also, I'm usually trying to watch things on multiple levels and it's hard to find people who watch it like that. Or I'm a bit intimidated by the people who do becasue I'm an amateur at many of these things, with a horrible memory, and the only people who look at things on those levels are more at the professional level, with good memories, so I'm just a poser compared to them and I worry they aren't interested in talking to me anyway. It didn't used to be as much of a problem though because it just meant that my "me time" was spent exploring these interests and sometimes it would open up interesting conversations to have with my partners later. But now I feel like I should be sharing these things, like he'd like to be let into my world more, and I just don't know how to do that. 
I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you are my love
On life
All my life
I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is