Thursday, April 27, 2017
Wore a swishy 1950s-inspired skirt, added my petticoat underneath after I got off work, and spruced up my makeup to go to a meeting of Masters and slaves together tonight. Even though the topic hit home in an uncomfortable way and I felt a bit bad leaving home when others had a ...well, hard doesn't begin to describe it, I am so glad I went. While I've probably only gone to a handful of meetings and I haven't been to one since my maternity leave, it has always been the one I felt most at home in, probably because of it's discussion format.
But tonight reminded me of all the reasons I liked service and being a slave, not just a submissive. It's different to be around people who are living their power exchanges right there in front of you. Refreshing to see the different ways that plays out, that no one dynamic is the same. It always melts a little part of me when I hear someone on the M/D/T side of the slash talk about their own obligations, duties, and love for the person on the other side of their slash.
When I got home, I didn't change out of my skirt and petticoat before doing the dishes and picking up the toys. I could tell everyone was wrecked. It gives me an extra bit of pride to do housework looking nice. I used to do it for him. Even though it was also for me even then. Now i do it for me. If he likes it, that's an added bonus. But I'm not serving him.
Sometimes I get to do little things for him. He asks me kindly to refill his coffee cup or bring him something. As much as it would thrill me more for him to be a little less nice, I know he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. But in the end now I do these things for me, and for the master that is yet to come, because I don't want to let me skills get rusty, because being in that mind quiets things and makes me happy. Even if we enacted a strict protocol from now on, I know he can't be my Master and doesn't really want to be a Master in the way I want/ need one. At most, he is just gently holding the lead until someone who truly does want that and can step up to it comes along.
The question that has plagued me since I left the meeting is "is a little slave girl still a little slave girl if she is not so little and not anyone's slave?" Many people mark slave as their role in their profiles. I never changed mine. I think I didn't want people, particularly D-type people, getting the wrong idea, that I was everyone's slave. I still chose submissive as my role, though even then I am not submissive to anyone except the people I have that negotiated with. Maybe if we're talking or dating you can push that a little, but I'm not going to say Sir or Ma'am to every single D-type or look down or whatever other protocols i might do for my D-type. And I'm still not sure I'm a slave at heart versus a submissive. For me, they go hand in hand for how I want to be with my primary partner. I want the power exchange we have during sex and play to spill out into our everyday lives too in ways that are beyond sexual but entail my service to him or her and his/her care and discipline of me. I like having the trust in a partner that allows me to give up my "no." But I'm still not sure that means I'm a slave, especially if I won't engage in service outside of a relationship and I don't have one.
I need to go to sleep. Or back to sleep. Woke up to pet him and then babies woke up as I wrote this. Just wanted to muse.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Sometimes I can feel you with me. You're always right behind me. Slightly taller than me. Larger. Stronger. A solid presence that I can lean back against when I feel I'm too tired or sad or lonely to do this anymore. Nameless and faceless for now, yet still reminding me that there is someone I am to belong to but I have to take care of myself until then. I imagine the words of love and validation you will whisper into my ear, your breath on my neck quickening my heartbeat. "A heart I swear I'd recognize is made out of my own devices."
I am probably not as well behaved as I hope to be when we are together. But until then your presence that is sometimes so real I can almost feel your chest against my back and almost hear your words reminds me to be a good girl. Go to work. Pay my bills. Spoil myself a little but not too much. Work hard but also cut myself some slack. Take a deep breath before reacting to anything because those people are going through things as well, things I don't know about and might not understand. Try to treat others with the compassion that I will want to show you, that you will sometimes need as you will be human too and fuck up just like I will. To push myself to still believe that we may meet and to put myself in places and situations where that is more likely, like community munches and socials. To take advantage of some fun and sex and play but to not settle for a relationship that isn't you. "Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking."
Even now, you're here with me. But you're urging me to do some real work instead of daydreaming so I should get to it.
I'll be waiting but please don't take too long.
Monday, April 17, 2017
I know that I may never find a primary partner, another Dom or Master, much less someone who would marry me. It will be difficult to find someone who meets the things that I am looking for, who is willing to put up with the life that I have, and who I have amazing physical chemistry with. Knowing this, I also know that I may be the one taking care of myself mostly by myself for a very long time, if not forever. I feel like often that means I come off like a bitch in pursuit of taking care of myself.
It sucks that every time I want to pat myself on the back for doing what is right for me, I end up wondering if I'm coming off like a bitch. Maybe that's the nature of the beast. Maybe a man in my shoes worries that he ends up coming off like a dick or an asshole when he does the same thing. I also know that it doesn't come off as very submissive or like someone who would be a good servant, which probably also doesn't serve me well in finding a Dominant partner.
But no I will not call you Sir, or some variation of Sir, unless you are MY Sir, we are playing and that is agreed upon, or you can make me. Or it's a part of the name you go by. But I'm not going to call every Dominant I meet Sir (or Ma'am) just because of the side of the fence they play from.
No I will not send you pictures just because. If we are talking to date or we are dating, sure, but even then, no I will not send you pictures that are any dirtier than are already on my profile.
No I will not date you just to give you or a relationship with you a chance. It doesn't matter if I think you are a nice person or would in general be a good partner. If I don't think we are going to be a good fit for each other or I don't have that chemistry with you, I'm not going to make myself go further into a relationship that I already feel isn't going to work. I'm not going to make myself have sex with someone just because they are a nice person if I don't want to have sex with them.
No I will not play with you so you can gain experience. Maybe it is unfair to rule someone out because they don't have experience, because how are you supposed to get experience if no one will play with a newb Dom. But my higher priority has to be my safety, my physical, mental, and emotional safety. I don't want to be your experiment, the car you wreck because you didn't take driver's ed. I also don't want to top from the bottom or be your teacher. I think that all long-term couples grow and learn together, but you can't be starting from 0.
No I do not have endless amounts of time to chat or go on dates. Even after I catch NRE, if I do catch NRE, I am still bound by the life I already have and I would also like to keep some of my alone time. I have to schedule dates and overnight sexytimes in advance.
Yeah, I probably just need to invest in more and better sex toys. It's gonna be awhile.
Friday, April 14, 2017
My new skirt, blouses, and dresses from the vintage store finally came in. Because I've lost some weight, the dress I bought in the bigger size is too big and I'm going to have to take it back. I'm trying not to gain the weight back, which will be hard in a job where I sit on my ass all day. But I haven't had a soda or candy bar all this week, walked to and from work one of the days. I'm back to wearing a bare minimum of makeup most days. If it wasn't "that" week, I'd be wearing matching bra and panties most days. I did something different to my hair today and it's freshly dyed. I swished into the last day of the first week of my new job in a new skirt, feeling like a million bucks, super hopeful about all the things coming up in my life.
But I still want ...a Daddy or a Master or something. I miss that validation. I miss that praise. I miss that discipline. I miss feeling like there is someone there to rein me in if I were to need it. Not that any of that happened as often as I may have wanted it to or as most men who claim to be Daddies or Masters or whatever claim that they do it. But I still miss it and I still want it.
I thought that I could date. I think that I was wrong. Or maybe it's just going to have to happen like it has always happened. Lots of things that went nowhere until finally there's that person who I want to fuck and marry and stay up talking to every night all in the same person. Not that that has really ended up all that well for me up until now but that is the only way I'm going to get over this whole "the thought of a stranger touching me makes me want to curl up in a ball and not let anyone touch me ever." In between those people, I used to be able to do some rando sport fucking but I think that might be a thing of the past. Or a thing where I at least have to want to fuck them in a bad way, bad enough that my pussy talking overpowers my brain talking. I have had that work out ok. But I can't just go out on a date with someone I thought was ok from online exchanges with the plans of fucking them after a cordial meal and not get squee'd out when it comes time to do it. I also can't go out on a few dates with a guy who is nice enough, great on paper, wants the same things I do, but who I don't want to jump right then because it will also end badly. I used to be able to give it the old college try, fuck them a few times, but then I'd have to admit that I really wasn't feeling them and break things off. I'm also too squee'd out about those people touching me for me to go through with it. He fucking ruined me.
I just worry that I'm going to miss one of the few people who fit what I am looking for and are looking for someone like me and a situation like I want. And I don't want to get so complacent with whatever secondary relationship I have that I just decide I'll never have a primary relationship and give up looking or being open to it. In the past, it has been way too easy for me to get bogged down in that "I'll always be alone" mindset and just stop looking, or let it make me feel desperate when I did attempt to date, which is never a good look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's too early to date. Take time to be by yourself. Get over you last relationship. Except I am going to be taking time for myself, ya know when I'm not watching a kid or kids or working or whatever, and my "last relationship" will just be changing, not be over. I feel like my life is always changing. At what point has it stopped changing enough for me to date? After I've moved and settled in to my own apartment? After we've developed a new routine with the kids? After we've developed a new new routine because they've gotten a house? After we've developed a new new new routine because I bought a house near to wherever they end up? After I've finished my book? After I've finished several books and can quit my job and live off that money? After I've started hanging out with my old friends more? After I've decided I don't really like those people anymore and am back to mostly just being around me? After I've started going to some bdsm community events and started trying to make friends there? After I've gotten really involved there in what little free time I do have and have no time for dating? Please tell me, when is the appropriate time to date, especially in a poly context where I have other non-primary relationships going on and maybe the person I'm looking for does too?
When I swished in to work today, I wasn't wearing a collar. My collar. How I miss it. I wasn't even wearing a necklace though when I have, it's been my own pearl necklace, given as a gift from my grandma to my mom and then to me. "My proxy is mine. You'll deal with me directly." (Neko Case) Who knows? Maybe he's wondering the same thing and we'll meet when we've forced ourselves to go to a bdsm event or when we've put up an ad, knowing that we'll have to deal with turning down the princes/princesses who aren't for us but knowing we won't find someone unless we're willing to do that. Maybe my person isn't a man at all or isn't on the gender binary. If I ever find it, it will be worth the wait. Even with how it has ended up being, he was. My next love will be too.