Friday, September 28, 2007

I Got Stood Up

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Seriously, how could I get stood up when I look like this????

I'm not saying that I was not cute before. But when I was weighted at the doctor's office yesterday, I found out that I've lost 40 lbs since this time last year. Also, I've gone from a Womans size 22 to a Womans size 14, and often a regular size XL. And the weird pouch I developed over the summer has disappeared since my gallbladder surgery. And I still got stood up. WTF?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Meeting The Keeper

It's really interesting to meet someone that you've never seen a picture of in person. I know that people used to do this all the time and that is why it's called a "blind date", but, for my generation, who has, if not completely grown up with the internet, has at least had the internet and digital photography for most of their dating career, truely blind dates are almost unheard of. Even this wasn't a blind date... for him, as I'd sent him two pictures when I first answered his CL ad. He wasn't exactly what I imagined, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I did really enjoy myself. He wasn't lying when he said he was a pretty good conversationalist, though I felt like I dominated a great deal of the conversation. But what else could I do? He kept asking me questions about myself before I could get out questions about him. Though I was pleasantly surprised by how truly interested in me he seemed. It was also the first date, or even the first meeting with someone, where they haven't tried to sleep with me. Then again, I hadn't expected him to from the conversations that we've had. While he seems plenty interested in sex, in this particular situation, he seems more interested in developing a relationship, which will eventually include sex. In some ways, I wasn't even sure he was that physically interested in me. Granted, he was gentlemanly enough to compliment me on my outfit and open doors for me, but there was none of the usual "accidental" touching or "incidental" touching that people usually do to test out the waters, though he sat fairly close to me at the restaurant where we ate dinner. And I figured it was a pretty good sign that he had only signed up for drinks and appetizers, but ended up initiating dinner.

But then he walked me to my car, telling me on the way about how he thought I should go to First Fridays and meet some of his lesbian stripper friends. And he kissed me. The final test of chemistry for me. It was good. Hopefully, a sign of good things to come.

When Things Don't Go As Planned

Recently, someone told me that they don't trust themselves with being loved, loved for who they really are and in an unconditional way, because they always manipulate and abuse that love. At the time, that struck such a cord with me. While I think this person meant that they abuse and manipulate in pretty horrible and insidious ways, my past experience has shown me that I manipulate in petty and ridiculous ways, which anyone outside of the situation would easily recognize, usually with the exception of me and the other person.

A few weeks before that I laid next to BT as he fell asleep, I starting thinking about how knowing when the right time to leave a relationship is comparable to the knowing when the right time is to sneak out of bed without waking your partner. (In my case, I had to sneak out of bed partly because of my parents' house rules and partly because I knew I just couldn't sleep.) But any sane person would wonder why I was contemplating leaving this great guy, who makes me feel wanted, safe, cared for, and also COMPLETELY accepted for who I am. Because, even before I heard someone else describe it, I knew that I felt that same way, that I would always abuse and manipulate any true love that was given to me. And I didn't want to do that to this sweet sweet man.

Today was a very VERY bad day. I was ready to give up. BT's prepaid cell phone is out of minutes and he was the only one I couldn't reach by phone. So, I drove the 45 minutes out to the nearby college town where he lives, calling his house and telling them that I would pick him up from work. They said he got off work at 5 or 5:30. At 5:35, I grew tired of waiting for him to come out, so I decided to go in and see if he was ready to be driven home. I knew he'd be surprised and he was. I had come to say goodbye, but I wanted to spend as much time that evening as I could with him. Since our first weekend together, he'd been talking about how he wanted us to really truly date when he got back from his deployment in Iraq. From the beginning, I told him that he'd change his mind once he found out all that I was up to. It was the same discussion tonight, as I told him that he'd probably never want to really date me when he heard about all my extra-curricular activity in the last couple of weeks. As always, he denied that anything I could say would make him not want to date me when he came back.

So I told him about my escapades, which I usually think of as dropping the bomb. But this time it was really his turn to drop the bomb. During these past few weeks when we hadn't really gotten a chance to talk, he said that he'd been doing a great deal of thinking about wanting to date me when he got back. In fact, he was thinking that he wanted to date me BEFORE he left, to start the commitment before he left, something that he had been very much against when I first met him. He didn't want to leave anyone behind when he deployed. But he didn't expect me to stop my current extra-curricular activities. While Mon Parrain and I both questioned how this dating was different than the current situation between BT and I, I suspect that it is just BT's way of showing that he really does want a relationship with me when he come back, that he wants to develop more emotional intimacy with me, and that he would like to come before any other sex partners in my life. I was just blown away. Such a wonderful guy who actually knows me, who I have not lied to about who I am, and he wants me.

Then, I started to freak out. What if I only manipulate and abuse this love that is given to me? In many ways, that is what I did with the Alpha Male of the Pack. Hell, it is what I tried to do to Mon Parrain earlier in the day, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. But I just can't pass it up. So, starting today, I'm going back to working on making myself "better", getting my meds straightened out and working on...making myself a better version of the self that I want to be.

So, I have a boyfriend now. And lots of "sex in the box"s. Hmmm......

Monday, September 24, 2007

THE Psuedonym Post (Vol. 2)

So, as there are some new people in my life who I hope will be appearing often on this blog so I thought I'd publish another volume of the psuedonym post. The original post is underneath, with a few updates.

The Keeper- A mid-30s professional businessman who I met by responding to his Craigslist post looking for a mistress and "kept woman" who he could help financially in return for having a reliable, intelligent woman he could spend time with. He's not a "sex in a box" yet, but I'm hoping that this relationship develops more.

Boy Toy (BT)- A late-20s Army boy who is shipping off for Iraq soon, but that I'm having great sex with until he does. He lives in the nearby college town in the same communal home as a friend of mine and my uncle's, which is how I met him. He is amazing, sweet, and makes me feel safe and wanted all the time we are together. I just wish I got to see him more. While he's away, I plan to send him lots of care packages.

Stewart- An unhappily married man that I'm have a "sex in a box" relationship with. He's a mid-30s professional businessman as well and I really enjoy how he looks like your average suburban dad/businessman, but has already revealed a little kink. It's just sex, but good sex. And, of course, Stewart isn't his real name, but the name he used when he first contacted me in an unsolicited IM.

Chimera- And last but not least, my long-distance "sub in a box" relationship. He's a 20 year old dad in Ohio who is going to marry the mother of his child soon, but has yet to even really fully explain his desires to be dominated to her. Though their relationship is kinky, it is mostly him fulfilling her desires to be submissive. I met him on a 3D avatar chatting site when he was looking to be the slave of the Alpha Female in the Pack. Thought we started as friends, fellow subs sharing what we desired, I've since come to really enjoy dominating him.

Original Post
A friend and regular reader suggested that they have been confused about my psuedonyms for different people so I thought I'd start a psuedonym post that I'll put in the Important Posts section and update as I get more psuedonyms and more people in my life, so that there is an easy index for all readers.

Sir- Sir is my most recent ex-boyfriend. We were together 5 years. His psuedonym of Sir is one that he came up with because, whenever he is out with male friends at restaurants, the waitresses always call his friends "sweetie" and "honey" but they always call him "Sir." We broke up February 2005 and have remained good friends since.

Ex-T- My first real boyfriend when I was 16. He lives in bigger Midwestern city where I travel to see my grandparents. We are still friends and talk quite often. T is his first initial and I was very lazy in coming up with a psuedonym for him.

Ex-J- My second real boyfriend. He was a great guy that I fucked over royally. But I think he has a good life now. Or at least I hope he does. Once again, J is his first initial and I was lazy.

Anna- My good straight male crossdressing friend, who I have developed a "switch in a box" relationship with. Even if we were to stop "playing", we'd still hang out and watch movies, get really drunk, and just have a good time.

Mon Parrain- The name is French for sponsor, godfather, advisor. I wanted to pick something that would fit his initials, MP. He is a "sex in a box", but is also fast becoming a very good friend who is teaching me about myself, my sexuality, and life in general. He has a very complicated life, but is very honest and caring. I hope that soon our relationship will move more towards "dom in a box."

Cassie- She is a friend that I've had for a year or more now. A frenemy tried hooking us up, but nothing really happened so we decided to become friends. I have thought that nothing was happening between us because she didn't like me. On paper we would have been a perfect match, but she never made any ANY move towards me. Turns out she is just painfully shy in the romance department. She recently became a "sex in a box" after I got really flirty with her. **Update: That "sex in the box" didn't last very long as she felt I was taking advantage of her. While I thought I had explained what I was looking for, it obviously didn't really set in. But, despite all that, we are still friends and she has just gotten with a great girl who she's in love with, so I'm happy.

The Pack- This is a family that I have met recently and seem to becoming part of fairly quickly. I answered a CL ad from a couple looking for a third, though they didn't really specify whether they wanted just a third domestically or both domestically and sexually. They offered me sanctuary when I was worried about a guy coming after me and I'm completely taken by them and the life they have to offer. It might just be infatuation, but, right now, I want to be a part of their pack, their beta female. Individually, since I'm not very inventive right now, they are Alpha Male(AM) and Alpha Female(AF), and their two beautiful amazing children are Female Cub(FC) and Male Cub(MC). **Update: This has since blown-up, for many reasons.

The Keeper

And there is one more man in my life, though it hasn't become sex in a box...yet. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed.) A few weeks ago, I answered a CL ad for a man looking for woman interested in being a "kept woman". He's a successful and attractive business man looking for a woman to help financially in return for great conversation and, eventually, great sex when he has time in his busy schedule. In all actuality, I thought I never had a chance. But he responded quickly and we've been exchanging e-mails, about one or two a day, ever since. We mostly talk about everyday things, the basic get-to-know you stuff, with just the right amount of flirting. I'm very excited to meet him. In fact, we were supposed to meet for drinks last Friday, but, once he heard about my surgery, the gentleman that he is, he insisted that we put our meeting off until this Wednesday, when I would be feeling better. And, as he seems to really like a more alternative/goth look, I have been planning my outfit for this date all weekend. Last night, I invited him to read my blog, informing him of how everyone gets a psuedonym, and promising that I would blog about him. So, here is his blog post. Last night, I was trying to come up with a psuedonym for him, something that would be complimentary to "kept woman". He liked Keeper, so it's stuck. I'm sure I'll be writing more about him in the future.

A Few More Boxes

I think I have an abnormally high sex drive. This combined with the fact that I am not too particular about the things most women are when it comes to men (like being married or taken, like the possibility of having a future monogamous romantic relationship, like the possibility of falling in love) means that I have some new "sex in a box" partners. They are very fun but very different. And, of course, I have some new psuedonyms.

The first one I met is Chimera. I met him through the Pack. I helped the Female Alpha interview him as a new possible slave for her on a 3d avatar chat program where they take these kind of relationships very seriously. Unlike the other possible slaves that I had interviewed previously, this young man (20) was very thoughtful and also showed a great deal of potential as a submissive. Outside of talking with him with the rest of the pack, he and I spend a great deal of time away from the Pack. We became quite friendly, as two subs talking about what we wanted out of a dominant. I also learned about his real life situation. He has a beautiful daughter and he is plannning on marrying her mother in the next year or so. While he and his fiancee are kinky in bed, she is a sub and, while he tries hard to fulfill what she desires, she seems to get turned off by what he wants, though she has tried a few times to humor him, though she feels weird afterwards. Unfortunately, I met him right before things disintegrated with the Pack and I didn't want him to risk losing his first chances at having a mistress, albeit only online, by talking to me, if the Female Alpha had a problem with it. As I didn't hear from him for weeks, I assumed that is what happened. But then, a few weeks ago, we started talking again. It seems like he had just become disillusioned by the whole situation because the Female Alpha was not online enough and did not give him the amount of instructions he was hoping for. At first, we were just talking as friends, but within a few days, I found myself taking on the role of a domme for him. It has been rather fun though it was recently been pointed out to me that I haven't been quite as dominant as I should be and that I've been letting his top from the bottom, so I started yesterday being a more demanding, less-playful domme. Unfortunately, Chimera lives in Ohio so all of my domming is being handled long-distance, despite how much I'd like for there to be some kind of sex in the real world.

My other latest "sex in the box" is with Stewart. Or at least that is how he introduced himself when he sent me a random, unsolicited IM last week. Of course, during our first conversation, as all men do, he claimed not to be married or taken, but he was interesting and nice and didn't mention wanting sex right away, so, contrary to what I usually do, which is just block any unsolicited IMs, I continued to talk to him. I saw him on his webcam and I sent him some pics of me. We met up on Wednesday, as I suspected, Stewart wasn't his real name and he is unhappily married. But we had a good lunch with a great conversation and the sex was pretty good, so we are continuing with that as well. Despite the fact that he looks like your average suburban dad and business man and that the sex was pretty vanilla at first, he started to reveal some of his kink today. I really love getting with men who look straight-laced, but are just hiding that they are as strange as I look.

Unfortunately, I don't have any boxes with women. There is a very good reason for this. I do not want to fall in love but I do want sex. I can easily have this with men. And it is actually so much easier to have sex without a risk of your partner wanting a relationship or falling in love if they are already taken. But I couldn't really do with a woman. I have too much respect for women to use them as I do men. And I'd have to play the "I really do want a relationship" game with women, when I know I really don't. Plus, I've found that I can be honest with men about how I feel about sex and relationships and my kinks, whereas I've found that most women don't react well to finding out how I truly feel about those things.

I've also noticed a trend that happens when I'm feeling better, more confident, less needy. I seem to be much more confident and less needy when I'm actually getting sex already, which used to entail being in a relationship. This confidence and un-neediness seems to attract other people, especially men. So, right now, I seem to be collecting men, like poor stray puppies who show up at my door and I just can't seem to turn any of them away. But I'm still not getting enough sex!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sunday Morning

Back dated for when I actually thought about it.

Have you ever thought about how many songs there are about Sunday mornings? I will grant you that I'm not sure if there are more song that mention Monday mornings or Sunday mornings, but I'm pretty sure that they are neck and neck. And I can't think of a single song about Thursday mornings. Also, the songs that mention Sunday mornings usually include that in the title: "Sunday Morning Coming Down" by Johnny Cash, different songs all called "Sunday Morning" by Velvet Underground, Acid Kings, Lily Allen, No Doubt, and, the one that I'm hearing in my head right now, Maroon 5. (Oh, and another good Sunday song, though morning isn't in the title, is Keith Urban's "Pray That It's Raining on Sunday".) So, here's the song I'll no doubt have stuck in my head all day.

Sunday Morning- Maroon 5
Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and Im calling out to you
Singing someday itll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you
And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?

**A later thought: Actually listening to this song in the car this afternoon, when I heard the lines "And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew/That someday it would bring me back to you", I realized how true that is for why I so often stay where I am at. Because there is at least on person that I fear losing if I do go. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


So I’m sure you all have missed me for the past month or so and have been dying to know about what I’ve been doing. Unfortunately, most of it hasn’t been that exciting. The greater part of that time has been spent in bed, being depressed. The highlights of those periods have mostly been my panicky suicidal moments and my moments of extreme physical pain, which I thought were digestive/stomach issues, perhaps a hiatal hernia like my mom and uncle have.

Of course there have been romantic/sexual ups and downs. I started what I thought would be a nice “sex in a box” relationship with a shy lesbian female friend of mine, thinking I made my lack of intentions clear, only to find that I hadn’t, that I had made her feel used, and that I’m apparently treating sex “like a man does.” (Thanks Mon Parrain.) I was very sorry about the way it ended and in hurting her, though we are still friends and she has found a great new girlfriend just recently, for which I’m very happy because she does deserve a good girlfriend. I just thought I could be around to fuck until she found that.

I fell hard and fast for a whole family who live 2.5 hours away only to find that, once the depression set in again, my overwhelming desire to lose myself in what they wanted and needed was almost just as self-destructive as my only other desire at that time, to end my own life. So, as much as I hated doing it and being a complete coward about it, I begged Mon Parrain into getting me out of the situation before I did more harm to myself. He hated having to step in the way he did also because he never wanted to dictate my life, or any one’s life, but, as he felt I was a grave danger to myself, he did it. While I may not have agreed with his methods, he did do what I asked of him in the best way possible.

But of course my romantic life hasn’t been all doom and gloom. I spent a wonderful weekend with a wonderful young man who seemed to accept all my weirdness, has plenty of his own, and has made it his goal when we are together to make me laugh and smile. Also, seemingly without any special effort, he makes me feel safe and wanted when I am with him, hell, even sometimes when I am not with him, and that is a very rare thing. Initially, he started out as a conquest. This cute, slender but muscular army boy who was a friend of a friend and the only straight boy in a tiny bar full of only gay men. Though I got his number and we kissed, I was sure he’d forget about me as soon as he returned to the nearby college town where he lives and sobered up. I waited 3 days to call him. The first thing he asked me when I called though was when I was going to come kidnap him for a weekend with me in the Big City. As he looks much younger than he is and also younger than I am, I spent the weeks in between our first meeting and the first weekend we both had free for me to kidnap him, I took to calling him Boy Toy (BT) to all my friends. That will forever be his pseudonym on this blog as well. But what I thought would be a casual weekend of fucking became something more. I knew early on I was in trouble. He is a huge Buffy fan and on our way out to this posh shopping mall, we listened to the Buffy musical soundtrack. It was all over when he fulfilled my secret wish to sing “I’ll Never Tell” as the duet it is in the episode, with me as Anya and him as Xander. But there’s always a catch right? He deploys for Iraq in January and will be spending months before that at the mobilization site, getting ready to deploy. So, I’m trying to look forward to a year (or more) of sending him cartons of Newports, DVDs I think he’ll like, pictures of me, and loving letters. He says he wants to try to date exclusively as soon as he comes back. I guess we’ll have to see if he still feels that way when he returns and if I think I can be faithful then. But he’s such a sweet guy, there are times when I want to run because I fear hurting him. When I expressed this to Mon Parrain, he had a wonderful comeback. “Ava, you have the most perfect opportunity to leave the campsite better than you found it here. You can give this guy, who you really do like, a great time before he leaves and, then, with very little effort on your part, you can greatly improve his experience over there with your care packages and letters and constant reminders of his home, of all the love people back in the States have for him.. Even if nothing comes of the two of you when he returns, you will have been able to make his life that much better while he’s gone.” Considering how much BT has helped make me feel better, it warms my heart to think that I might be able to return the favor.

Another plus in this crazy time is that I’ve realized the amazing friend that I have in Mon Parrain. He is the one who did the dirty work with the family I loved despite his distaste for having to take over any aspect of my life. He has kept in almost constant contact with me despite a demanding work schedule and preparing for and having a baby during this period. When I was at my lowest point, it was really his genuine worry and fear for my safety that make me seek out a more intensive treatment option, though that didn’t work out quite as either of us had planned. They put me on a 72 hour voluntary hold when all I really wanted was to try to switch my meds, see the prescribing doctor more regularly so that if something went wrong I didn’t have to wait months to get it fixed, and perhaps go into an outpatient program. But it was his encouragement that made me stick to being there, to participating in the groups, and to aggressively seeking out the treatment I knew I needed. He also made dozens of fruitless calls to try to talk to me, despite the anarchic phone system. He continuously worked to make me laugh and also pushed me to get back to my writing, especially this story that I’ve been working on in my head since the summer because it intrigues him so much. Several times recently he’s told me that he thinks what makes our relationship so special, at least for him, is that he finally feels like he’s found someone he doesn’t have to lie to, that he can tell me anything and I won’t run away or be disgusted. I’m also smart enough to know what things are said in confidence and what things aren’t, without having to be specifically told. And, in all actuality, I’m not usually shocked by most of what he says. And I’ve found that in him as well. Though he seems to think that I can be the person that no one has to lie to for everyone, few have taken that offer. In talking about other lovers who’s honesty I’m questioning, he’s often said, “But s/he does know that you are the ONE person that s/he doesn’t have to lie to, right?” Apparently, only Mon Parrain feels that way about me, but I’m working hard to make it more universal.

But the biggest, most dramatic think to happen to me was---SURGERY. The short of the story is that I got surgery to have my gallbladder removed last Saturday and it seems to have taken care of all of my stomach problems and my acid reflux issues. Now, for the longer version: Until this semester, I did not have health insurance. A few weeks ago I started the tedious process of student health clinic visits and referral visits, etc, but nothing really happened until I went to the emergency room late Thursday night. While I was in the hospital for my depression, the generalized pain around my ribs had gotten worse and worse, but they weren’t equipped to help me. They also chalked it up to either being a hypochondriac or anxiety. Once in the ER, the doctor pushed on my stomach and the only part that drew howls of pain was when he pushed just below my right ribs. He referred me to get an ultrasound in the morning because they didn’t have a tech on duty that late at night. Friday, instead of getting the ultrasound, my mom and I spent the whole day trying to convince the student health clinic to give us a referral for the ultrasound (which was required by the health insurance company), while I lay at home in bed, writhing in pain, despite the lovely drugs they gave me. Fortunately, one of the ultrasound techs took pity on me and agreed to make an early morning appointment for Saturday, but that meant no food, drink, or drugs after midnight the night before. I was in serious pain by the time I got there Saturday morning for the ultrasound, but he was quick about it and I read his diagnosis over his shoulder. “Gall stones. Thickening of the gallbladder wall.”

Now, my mother had warned me that usually, even if it is a problem with your gallbladder, you have to wait weeks or even months to schedule a surgery. Not me. The tech took us to the ER, so it must have looked pretty bad. When the ER doctor came gave me a choice between surgery today or…well, I don’t really know what the other choice was because I told him to cut me open then and take care of it.

So Saturday I had laproscopic surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I went home Sunday afternoon. The surgeon said that I would have gone home Saturday but there was some drainage he was worried about, so he kept me overnight. There are two small incisions just below my ribs, one larger spot where the drain was, and my belly button is kinda messed up and bruised (because that’s where they pulled out my gallbladder) I’m sore, though less with each day, and I have to hold my stomach when I laugh or cough or sneeze. But this surgery has made me feel 100x better.

As soon as the surgery was over, I noticed that the weird pouchy roll that I’d developed around my middle during the past few months was suddenly gone. And I doubt they did any free liposuction so it must have just been swelling and bloating that never went away until the gallbladder did. The deep dark circles under my eyes that wouldn’t go away no matter how much sleep I got were also gone. So was the weird acne that had been plaguing me all summer. Even the acid reflux seems to have gone away. I never would have guessed that an organ you can just as easily live without and that you can take out so easily could cause so many problems for so long. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if a great deal of my very recent depression and suicidal-ness was not due in some part to the toxicity my body was no doubt experiencing from my mal-functioning gallbladder and/or my body’s inability to properly process my meds. I guess I’ll never know.

What I do know is that I feel so much better. As much as my still recovering body will allow, I plan on getting back to my life, making right things I let go when I was depressed, getting things back on track, and, hopefully, getting ready to return to school next semester. Unfortunately, I was so stuck in my depression that I chose not to go to class or work so I’ve ruined this semester of school and lost my amazing job. But there’s always next semester and I might be able to grovel, re-apply, and get my job back next semester as well.

So look forward to hering more from me. Sorry for the extended absence.