Sunday, December 31, 2017

"And you hold me down"

I strive to see both sides of a thing, to see as many sides as I can, to understand and give credit for all the underlying things that may contribute to someone doing the things they do. A common saying in the communities I travel in is to assume good intentions. The best I can do is to read complicated motivations into everything. Of course, the actors usually write things off as completely uncomplicated and unmotivated and my audience gets tired of me saying "to be fair..." to introduce why I'm going to write off someone else's bad behavior. Lately, I've stopped questioning people directly about their motivation and stopped defending them to others. 

Today I ended up in a situation I used to be all to familiar with. Wanted so badly to ask why. Had I done something? Or was it just all the things I'd done? But several things hit all at once and I hit my "fuck you" moment. A combination of things- how little changed, the ridiculous repeat of the same shitty behavior, how blind others can be or were, how I felt my compassion and guilt run out.  
And I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution