Saturday, November 29, 2008


This is all that is left of my previously long hair.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Rock Paper Scissors - Ani DiFranco

What seems like a lifetime ago, I did a bunch of things to drive BT away, I think because I thought it would be easier to deal with my guilt over the things I'd done wrong if he hated me or was at least mad at me. At the time, he said that nothing I could do or say would make him hate me and nothing would make him give up. Well, the second part obviously wasn't true, but I can't blame him for that. When he left, I said the same thing back to him, that I'd do anything to be with him again, that I'd wait forever, that I'd take him back under any circumstances, all the things you say in those desperate moments when someone you love leaves you. It's not to say that I didn't mean it then. But there's only so much a person can take and eventually one has to move on. This song really hits at the heart of how I feel on giving up right now. Yes, I know, I love Ani DiFranco. We can talk more about that later.

Rock Paper Scissors - Ani DiFranco
it's rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all.
it's hand against hand
and both hands are mine.
it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy.
a happy meal with a surprise inside.
surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes,
exposing all the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide.

this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up
and tame the stallions of my wildest expectations.

but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain.
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,

like a bird into the sky of my brain?

i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene.
yeah desire drags me right out of myself
like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal.
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames ripple on the sand and swallow me whole.

but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations.

but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way l
ike a bird into the sky of my brain.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm Not Over - Carolina Liar

I'd heard this song before on the local alternative station, but it never struck me before like it does now. I empathize with the ambivalence of the situation, the contrary but simultaneous feelings of wanting to be out but also not, over feeling like you are better on your own but also not, etc. Anyway.... Enjoy.

I'm Not Over - Carolina Liar
What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind
But I never missed a beat
Can't explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over

Never took the chance, could've jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Couldn't cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Was it all a joke, never had control
I'm not better on my own

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over

What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Can't explain this thing, or what I mean
I'm trying to let go

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
I'm not over

Video on youtube:

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Fortune Cookie

Went to the Chinese buffet with my parents today. Might not be a big deal to most people, but it's kinda a feat for me these days. Anyway, I thought the fortune in my fortune cookie seemed kinda apropo.

Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.

Post I Don't Want to Write

So I've been MIA lately. And I've written this post a thousand times in my head over the past couple of weeks, trying to find what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. If I wrote the latest version of everything in my head, you'd be reading it forever. So I decided that I'd try to be as short and blunt about it as I can be and then I'll revisit topics as I want and as I see fit. But mapping this new landscape is like creating a topography of sand dunes- it feels impossible because everything is always shifting. But I feel I can't write about anything specific without laying it all out, so here goes:

When we last left our heroine, she was trying to get it together to work this job that she hated but she was back with her husband, the newly returned soldier, so she thought she could do it.

So, I went to hang out with BT before I was supposed to go back to the job I detested. While it mostly went well, I was really anxious about going to the job. Finally, he and I talked it over and he was going to let me get off without going back to that job if I started looking for another job starting that night online while he did stuff around his place. But he wasn't feeling well and he wanted me to leave. I wasn't happy about that. I spiralled out of control, allowing my anger and the depression to take over. With pills and alcohol, I tried to kill myself. BT ended up calling the police because he was worried that I was too far gone. The cops took me to a local emergency room and then I got admitted to the hospital I was in last year. I was there for the better part of a week, during which my parents and BT visited me when they could. TyRoy was worried about me and I kept him updated on my condition over his voicemail. The couple of times we actually talked while I was in the hospital, we fought, in all honesty because I was being difficult about making the most of the treatment there. And I asked him not to visit because I knew that it would only cause more trouble with BT. My doc put me on a new medication- LITHIUM. It's typically used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar disorder, which isn't really my diagnosis, though obviously my moods do need some normalization. But it sucks, sucks, sucks. More about the lithium as we go.

Almost as soon as I got out of the hospital, BT and I started a rollercoaster of arguing and making up then arguing some more. I won't try to act like I don't bear some/alot of the blame for that. Because of both times that BT had lied in the last year and the secrets/lies that I was keeping at the time, I have a difficult time trusting any men, especially BT. So when he left me because a (female) friend had called about a (male) friend of theirs who was in a bad way and needed BT's help, I was distraught and thought he was cheating with the (female) friend. He kept wanting time away from me, which he said was a result of not being comfortable around anyone since coming back from his deployment. It was horrible timing for me. Not only had he said the whole time that he was gone that he'd want to be with me 24/7 when he got back, but I really didn't want to be alone after the hospitalization, while I was still getting adjusted to the new drugs. As those first couple of days out of the hospital went by, I started experiencing more and more severe side effects connected to the new drugs. I felt physically weak and ill most of the time. And I wasn't feeling any better mentally, especially not after we'd fight. I still just wanted to die.

Things came to a head when I came out with the secrets I'd been keeping and the few lies that I had told and told again. As I was already feeling worthless, revealing these things made me feel not only the betrayal of my husband but also like a worthless slut whore. As these things are already sore spots for me and my depression, it all made me feel even worse. And BT just wanted me not to be around. During this conversation, I gave him my rings and told him that he deserved better than to be married to a whore. For quite a while, he wouldn't let me leave until I'd taken the rings back and promised that I wouldn't hurt myself. I would do neither. I left the house but came back. At that point, I took my rings back. After more squabbling, he made me promise that I'd be around to "do the paperwork" for a divorce. At the time, I thought this was more about the "being around" than doing the paperwork.

I let him know when I got home that night but then I didn't hear from him for two days. When I finally did, I found out that he was serious. He said he was done, couldn't forgive the lies I'd told, couldn't deal with the fighting, and just wanted a divorce. I went to his place to change his mind but he texted that he'd already left there. I decided I would just jump off a local bridge. I was tired of things that didn't work. But then, as I was mustering up my courage, sitting in my car in a parking lot, a group of young men and a couple women, all dressed in camo uniforms (BDUs?) started pulling up. While it would be the first time that I cussed up a storm about something military, it is definately not the last. I feel like I can't get away from military shit lately, which only reminds me of BT, though I'm trying to change that.....We'll see how it goes. Though I have no idea what branch these people were with or what the frak they were doing there, I figured they would probably not let a distraught woman jump to her certain death, so I drove home. And started the long slow.... well, less march, more....sit to get through the darkest part.

TyRoy has been a good friend through all of this. I met him because he was going through a divorce and needed a friend. He understands what it's like to have to give up a relationship that you don't want to leave. And, while he warned me about his lustful nature when I'd ask to come over, he never actually tried anything, at least not until I put out that I wanted something. He just let me be someplace that wasn't home, with all the reminders of BT, and held me and talked to me. BT let me know a week after the initial breakup that he'd moved on with his (female) friend. Even though alot of people in my inner circle have suggested that I make this breakup and divorce as difficult and painful as possible for BT, I figure they don't have to sleep in my body with my brain running every night. I've already done enough in my life that I regret, things that just add to my "I'm a horrible person who deserves pain and death" mantra. I don't want to add hurting someone that I love very much. His life has been hard and so has mine. I did horrible things to him and he did them to me. But I have to be responsible for my actions and I don't want to do anymore to cause pain and suffering. And, to tell the truth, I still want to be with him. I'm trying to leave him be and I do hope that he is happy and I'm doing my best not to do anything that will even look like it's attempting to sabatoge his new relationship. Including trying to tell his mom that I'm the reason we broke up and that she should accept this new girlfriend.

As for me and my life, well, I'm working on it. I didn't move from the couch in my den for a week after I got the news. Then I made the trip to see my Gram with my Mom and got to spend a little time with my ex, who I think is in jail now. But it gave me other people to worry about, which is something. I started doing a bit more. Spent time with TyRoy and got laid. Alot. The side effects started easing up. The drugs intensified the tremor that runs in my family and, though that hasn't eased up, I am pushing myself to do things and deal with it. I still have a low appetite but I'm just trying to eat when my family eats. While I crave soda, I know that my body needs more water while I'm on the meds, so I try to alternate a can of soda with a 32 oz glass of water. And, thankfully, the "fog" is mostly gone. I still get spells, but I'm not completely out of it all the time. So I decided to start looking for work. Until I find a job, I'm going to try to keep somewhat of a daytime schedule and do stuff around the house to help my folks. And, once I start working, I'm going to save as much as possible, so that I never have to feel like I can't just go whenever I want.

Ok, so that wasn't as short as I was hoping but there you have what's happened lately. I'm sure I'll write more about what I think these things mean and what I've learned, or at least am trying to learn.