Sunday, March 26, 2006

Fear or Desire

I recently heard a writer discussing character motivation. This writer, and I wish I could remember who said this but I can't, said that one of their writing teachers told them that every character, deep down, is driven by either desire or fear, that every character is either running to something or running away from something.

But aren't they really the same thing?

Story Idea

Generally, a young woman decides to be a prostitute as a job. I have lots of story written in my head about how she goes about it, all the steps she goes through to set-up her body and her manners and her intelligence to be more appealling -> setting up a front business -> keep lists of clients in case something happens to her, etc. But there are a number of things left unanswered to write and actual story.
-Who is this girl? What was her upbringing? Was it highly dysfunctional? If so, does she even realize that it was dysfunctional? How does that come out in the story? Is she a reliable narrator? How do I make her a sympathetic character while not making it a story where ALL the reader does is pity her?
-Why does she do this instead of some other regular job? Or even something legal, like stripping? Glamour? Money? Power? Manipulation? How does she cope with trading her body for money? What starts her on this journey, what event in her life? What does she plan on doing when she can't do this anymore?
-How to frame the story? I want a first-person narrative of her telling her story, but why is she telling this story? To whom is she telling it? or does it even need a framing device?
--Most important--What is the plot of the story? I'm building, or at least trying to build, a great character, but where does this story go? After she becomes who she wants to be, what does she do with that? How does she feel? Does this come back to bite her in the ass or does she live a happy life?

The Suffering- Coheed & Cambria

Is there a word or right to say
Even in this old fashioned way?
Go make your move, girl
I'm not coming home

Would things have changed if I could've stayed?
Would you have loved me either way?
Dressed to the blues.
Day to day with my collar up.

Decision sits so make it quick
A breath inhaled from an air so sick
I cursed the day I had learned
Of the web you spun...
You had your hold till bleeding

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me
I would've never walked out
So until the sun burns out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Would we have lived as a child would care?
With this vial to drink I dare(Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with your taste on tongue (Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving? Bye)

Should we try this again with hope? (Bye, bye)
Or is it lost, give up the ghost
And should I die all alone as I knew I would...
Then burn in hell young sinner

Hey, Hey! (Ha ha)
If it was up to me
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Hey, Hey!If it was up to me (you had your hold)
I would've figured you out
Way before the year clocked out
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Hey, Hey!
If it was up to me (give up the ghost)
I would've never walked out (Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
So until the sun burns out (Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving?)
Oh, I hope you're waiting

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in
And you're not coming in

To hear, go to my myspace page----http://www.myspace.com/bigrrladriene

Update: Changed song on my myspace page but you can still hear it if you go to http://www.myspace.com/coheedandcambria . It's the second song of the four. Also, Favor House Atlantic is a good song too.

Bars

There always comes a point in the night when I realize that no one there is there to dance with me. And that I'll never be half of one of those cute or sexy couples dancing together.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

X-Files....

Ok, so TNT has been getting on my nerves lately because of how they show the same show back to back to back, but they actually showed two of my favorite X-Files episodes back to back.

Milagro-about the crazy writer who is in love with Scully

The Unnatural-starring Jesse L. Martin (I never knew I'd love him SO much when I first saw this episode! Star of Rent and Law and Order), about the black player for the Roswell Grays who was really an alien

What Comes After Gray???

Ok, so what comes after gray? I think I might be there now. I'm not ready to say I'm ok. I'm just ready to try and I have a small idea of a plan. Though I already talked it over with my bestfriend and loyal guide, Sir, I want to get my small idea of a plan down.

Start the DBT therapy and stick with it for the full year.
Get a small, inconsequential, part-time job.
Keep my bills and spending low and under-control. Bills: student loans, car insurance, Netflix. Spending: Just a little on visiting family, hanging out with friends. Save: for rainy day, for school, for moving out.
Buy a cheaper but decent desktop computer so that I can, with little or no extra money spent- chat online, download and burn music, make copies of DVDs that I like. This will cut down on buying music and movies right now when I am broke and/or saving for other stuff.
Don't do too much -> Crashing and burning.
Don't worry about when I go back to school, just don't do anything that will prevent me from going back-like taking a big full-time job or having a child.
WRITE!
Catch-up on movies and books, as I feel like it.

So, I don't think I'm in the gray right now. I guess I just AM.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

What Hurts the Most--Feeling Like I Can't Go 'Home'

I slept all day, letting my afternoon nap run long into the night, thinking that I would just sleep through until the morning and I could start fresh. Unfortunately, I woke up at 11pm and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I've been reading crime novels since then because I start to cry everytime I'm not busy because I think about you and your new girlfriend. The book I just started is set in St. Louis, which isn't really helping my mood.

As I think about you and your new girlfriend, I feel like I can't come back 'home'. To my hometown, St. Louis, where I was born, where my family gathers monthly, usually with a celebratory excuse, like a birthday. Since I've known you, when I was not living in St. Louis but only visit, seeing you was also a major reason for these visits. As you debate whether or not you will agree to see only me next Saturday, I realize that I haven't seen my grandparents since January, the last time I was there to visit you before you got your new girlfriend. I have passed up visits in between because I was afraid I would be unable to stop myself from acting in a stupid and stalker-ly fashion towards you and your girlfriend. But I also know that I can't let you take over the city that has been the closest thing to 'home' I have ever known. Even when my apartment was burglarized just before I turned 18, that was were I ran to seek comfort and security, when I did not feel secure anywhere else. And now I feel like that has been taken away from me. Your new girlfriend's family even lives in the same suburb where my grandparents live, where I was raised. It makes me sick to my stomach to imagine sitting at their kitchen table, attempting to celebrate, while you are somewhere in that same city, holding her. It makes me happy we did not hang out in that town alot, so that I know you can't share as many places with her, so that i know there might still be spots there in that suburb that are all mine, that you cannot give to her as well.

Yesterday or the day before, I watched a show on the food network where the chef Mario Batali, known for his Italian cuisine, traveled to different cities and highlighted their Italian specialties. Of course, he went to St. Louis and the Hill, to highlight toasted ravioli. I guess I never really realized that it is something you find only in St. Louis, but it seems to be. It made me think about all the places that will no longer be special to US but special to the two of you. I imagine, if given enough time together, you'll take her to every special place that you took me to, writing over all the memories that we made of those places together and replacing them with these new memories. Then, those memories will only be special to me. And I don't feel like I'll ever be able to go back to those places again, because I won't even see the memories that we made, I'll see the memories I imagine you making or imagine you have made there already with her.

I want my hometown back. But, like you, it seems it now belongs to her too.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Two Stages of Depression

First stage--Black
This is where you are totally and completely submerged in the bleak darkness of the depression. Besides possibly talking to your closest friend about how depressed you are, you don't want to do anything. You feel like a complete failure who the world would be better off without. You don't get out of bed. You don't eat(nor do you really want to). The only thing I consistantly feel like doing is masturbating but I'm usually too down to actually do it. The least little thing will send you over the edge and into deciding to kill yourself right now. Or maybe tomorrow when you don't feel as tired.

Second stage--Gray
This is where you are not quite ready to move on and help yourself, but the depression isn't so bleak and all consuming. This is when your sleep cycle gets really messed up. Instead of sleeping all the time,as you did in the first stage, you have a very hard time getting to sleep. You stay up until all hours of the night, not watching anything or catching up on movies, but just flipping channels. You also do this for most of the day. When you have a computer that you can use while you are watching TV, you also aimless wander the internet and keep your instand messenger on, hoping that someone you know will talk to you. Since you are up late, unable to sleep, you also sleep late, tossing and turning. Also, even if you wake up early in the afternoon, you don't want to get out of bed either, so you lay there.

Guess which stage I'm in right now?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Liberator?

Who are you? What are your intentions? Are you the liberator or the oppressor?

The oppressor- the man who does what I've always feared a man would do. The one who sweet talks me, seems sincere and adventurous in his desire for me. The one who leaves as soon as we've had sex, as soon as he's gotten what he wanted and planned to get all along. Sure, he might come back, time and time again, but only for more sex. The cuddling and romance once promised never materialize and he moves on once he finds a better lay or finds real romance,

The liberator- the man who does what I've always desired a man to do. The one who helps me explore all my sexual desires, who is experienced enough not to be a clumsy oaf while doing it. The one who respects my fantasies, even the dirtiest and kinkiest of them, and never makes me feel bad or ashamed of them. The one who liberates me from my slightly more conservative sexual values. The one who respects me but doesn't let that get in the way of the exploration. the one I don't have to fall in love with to have great sex with. The one I can learn from on my way to the lifetime partnership with someone who is less dangerous and mysterious, more stable and secure, who I can approach already having the knowledge of what fantasies are best left that way and what desires to bring into every bed.

As I monitor my desires to decide how to proceed, I must also monitor your intentions. So, who are you?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The One Doing the Holding Vs. The One Being Held

I have been dark for awhile, but I'm back with a vengence. Having to deal with deep suicidal depression will take it right out of you, I'm telling you. Also, I started a new relationship (and ended it also). I'm trying to learn from all these experiences. Here is the first real substantial thing that I can say I now know.

I really like being the one who is held. I do not like being the one doing the holding.

In straight relationships, there isn't much of a question as to what position each person person holds. Men are the ones doing the holding and women are the ones being held. That isn't to say that women don't hold men when they need it, but, mostly, this is how the relationship goes. When I asked my bestfriend T, he affirmed that, unless he is having real issues, he feels uncomfortable being the one being held. When I brought this up to my straight female therapist, she said, "You know, I don't really see what I would get out of being the one doing the holding. Men must get something out of it, but I don't really see what that would be."

So far, it seems that issue is a bit more cloudy in lesbian relationships. Popular gay shows like The L Word make it seem like lesbian relationships are, on the whole, completely equal, with both partners being the femme ones. While I have only watched the first three episodes of season three, it seems obvious that most of the lesbians on the show think that Moirra and her butchness/dominantness makes her a smalltown, smallminded throwback. In fact, until I actually met other lesbians, I thought lesbain relationships would be much like those on the L Word.

Thus, I didn't think it would be a big deal to date a femme bi girl who had previously had LTRs with more butch/dom women. We could just be equals, or I could try to play up my more butch/dom side. She was also shorter than me so it would be easier to be the more butch one. It did not work at all. While she liked being held, I felt isolated and alone and uncomfortable. I realized that the butch/dom side of the relationship entailed things that were completely different from the other side of the relationship, things I didn't know and didn't feel able to do. It also ruined the chemistry on my end. I was not sexually interested in the relationship at all (which takes a whole lot for me!!) Some might say that might be because I am not really attracted to women, but I haven't had that experience with other, more butch/dom women.

So, the moral of this story--- I like being the one being held and I need to find a woman that likes to do the holding.