I had a conversation just fall flat when I started on about something I find super interesting, that makes my soul sing, earlier in the day, which is why it hurt me so much when I saw it happen from the other side. He messaged me from some foreign land, having some great experience with people he had just met but felt an instant affinity for, the kind of experience that is exactly what he travels for, a feeling I have rarely if ever felt, something I don't know how to respond to.
I've wrestled recently inside myself with thoughts and ideas that I don't yet have words to describe and am not sure I know anyone who would understand. It took me six months to stop hurting. It has taken me over a year to want to be the person I was when I met them. A person who was at once both open to love and practical. A person who wanted the truth and could let the truth hurt her while also being devoted to it. But I now have to find a way to be that again, especially when that isn't who many people, especially my partner, know me as. I also have to find a way to integrate everything into one life, the ideals and the realities, that girl with the experiences she's had since then.
I'm at a weird place in my kink. I'm not even sure if I can explain why or even how. Every time I begin to write it, I think, "wait, no, that isn't exactly true either bc of this other experience." I don't feel like my body can take the same level of pain but I do still want it and to experience other things. I still feel the need for those things, especially for those things to have meaning. I want that and I want to serve. At the same time, I also have less tolerance for bullshit and posing and people who don't deserve my respect. I am more likely now to call people Sir and Ma'am because of where they stand in the community but I also have even less respect when I feel they don't live up to that. I'm not sure where I fit in. As always, I know that my partner and I will ultimately decide what works best for us and what names we choose to assign to that. And I know the things that really work for me and that really work for us. But I feel a bit in a tail spin about the rest though. I love our sex life. I love being his. I love being available at any time for his use, especially since selfishly it scratches my itch as well. I like that I don't have to initiate though I am working more on doing that so he knows he is desired. I like it rough. I like being hurt, though the circumstances there are undefined. I love serving him. I like serving select others with his permission. I like feeling useful in our community though I am selective about who I do that for or with. There. That is all I know. I don't even KNOW know that I'm a submissive, as I've felt decidedly unsubmissive lately, or a slave, despite being his slave. Maybe it is the company I keep, but I've even thought I might not mind topping the right person. I don't know. It's all weird in there right now.
I am at a weird place about relationships. When my last relationship ended, I was scared of "sharing" my partner. I could barely process my emotions around every day living without falling apart. I couldn't do the heavy emotional lifting and communication that comes with an open relationship. I'm getting better. Maybe I'm still not ready to though. I didn't then and still don't feel like my relationships ended because they were not monogamous. I believe someone can see poly as a route to more and deeper commitments instead of a way to stay free, though both are valid and justifiable. I believe someone can love me and someone else, can push me to go on dates and explore because they want me to have experiences, not because they don't care. I believe that it is possible for everyone to be made stronger by having someone they love in their corner who also calls them on their shit when they are having trouble with someone else they love, even if the person they are having trouble with is their wife and the person in their corner is their girlfriend. I also know it can go horribly wrong, but it could go horribly wrong with no one on their corner or their bestfriend in their corner. I know I don't have the time or emotional energy to give to two romantic sexual partners. I hope that someday I am but I hope that relationship finds me and my partner, develops in its own way and time and with lots of trust and comminication and friendship between them. Or the other way around. I have hopes that my partner and I share more awesome sexual romantic experiences. I hope we find ways to develop our own trust and comminication together so we can take advantages of solo experiences and have the discernment to turn down ones that would negatively impact ourselves or our family. I am still struggling with how to express the beauty and freedom of soul I find possible in the way poly theoretically handles relationships while also demonstrating that it can be just as committed as any monogamous relationship. That freedom to do negotiated things doesn't translate to me as freedom to just do whatever I want and it isn't for me freedom to not let my partner have a large say, even ultimate say, in what I do. I also don't know how to express that living more closely with theoretical poly ideals is about making my life and relationship work better, not about ending my relationship.
I am also in an odd place with my interests. Well, no, I guess I've been here before but maybe I just feel more lonely in it than usual. At my current job, I listen to podcasts all day while I work. I particularly like ones about movies and Hollywood history. They drive me to want to watch more movies and to look at them with a new eye, both at the physical composition and the cultural, historical, and academic aspects. Almost 2 years ago, I watched this movie Martyrs after listening to my academic horror movie podcast, Faculty of Horror. It blew my mind. It was amazing. Then just last week, it was featured on another movie podcast The Canon, about films that should be in the canon of important films. Their conversation brought something new into it that the other podcast hadn't. Not only did I immediately want to watch it again but I wanted to talk about this really interesting idea they had brought up. But there is no one in my life who would be interested in it. For as much as several people in my life decry the fragmentation of society because we can all find people who share our very small and specific interest, there is something to being able to find those 5 people who all share your interest and can discuss something with you, even if they are all on different continents. It doesn't mean I haven't come to like the large, "everyone is welcome" weekly social for kinksters of all varieties. I just wish I could have these conversations with someone and it makes me really lonely when I realize I can't.
There's a quote from Gone Girl that has always stuck with me just as much as the Cool Girl rant: "Can you imagine, finally showing your true self to your spouse, your soul mate, and having him not like you? So that's how the hating first began." Having the people you most love and like not like the real you is horrible. Having none of them get you might be the runner up to it though. You're still a part of the state but you're also alone on this weird island with all the weird beautiful things you love and people only make day trips before they get weirded out and go home.
It's 1am. Far away from me, my partner and Master has gone to bed, where I can not care for him or serve him. I'm going to climb into a bed alone where I will not get enough sleep before the miniture humans wake me up. I feel like I've put some of my feelings into words but not all of them. Not even half. But it is something.
