Thursday, June 22, 2006

How Much Does Size Really Matter???

I'm a big girl. Honestly, I've spent all my life thinking I was fat, whether I really was or not. I still thought I was fat when I was down to 125 lbs after having not eaten for a year when I had mono. Looking back at those pictures now, I look way too skinny for my own good. Ever since then, when I was 16, I've been slowly but surely gaining more and more weight. I'm now up to 210 lbs, a woman's size 20, and am having minor health problems as a result. I am trying really hard to lose weight in a realistic way that I can keep up for my whole life- walking a couple times a week, cutting back on how much I eat, and turning down food that is bad for me more than I give in to it. I am trying to accept that I will never be as thin as I want to be but that I am beautiful in my own way, while also pushing myself to be more healthy overall, not just thinner.

But, on the other hand, I feel like my weight is a major barrier to my dating life. There are several boys and girls that I know currently that I would like to get to know better, in a romantic setting, such as a real date, even though I've been told people don't actually go on those these days. While I am trying not to loathe my body as much as I did in the past, I feel like all the people that I am interested in would never be interested in me because of my weight. While none of them are model-gorgeous, they all happen to be of about average weight, or, even worse, skinny. In all honesty, I'd be perfectly happy if they weighed more, but that just isn't the case. Every time I think about asking them out on a date, or even just flirting, I worry that they will be turned off by my weight and turn me down solely based on that. But, if I wait until I lose the weight, at least I will feel like I have a chance to be evaluated on who I really am. I'd really hate to lose the weight and then have them say "Hey, I'll date you now!" because then I really couldn't date them. While I could say that it would be best to find out now if they are shallow enough that they wouldn't date me because I am overweight, I would counter that they mostly only have my looks to go on at this point, which is different from imagining whether or not they would be with someone that they loved who gained weight. So I really don't know whether I should put off more aggressively pursuing dating, especially with those who are average/thin, until I lose some of the weight I want to lose.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Late Friday Night

I played the Dixie Chick's song that's been inspiring me, Taking the Long Way, for you. It didn't seem to do alot for you. When I tried to explain why it really inspired me, that the song reinforced that it was alreight for me not to take the path I feel we are all told we are supposed to take, you acted like that was old hat. Like I should have moved on to something bigger and better by now. I wish I could have expressed to you how these songs, written and sung by intelligent and strong women like the Dixie Chicks or Ani Defranco, energize my heart and soul, help affirm everyday for me that as a woman, in spite of being a woman, just because I am a woman, I can and should do these things. In a lot of ways, it makes an even more powerful statement for me since it is coming from other women, especially because the negative things ringing in my head recently are also from a woman.

I didn't want to point this out for fear of huring you feelings, but I find it kinda funny that, now that I'm doing so much better, we've had to implement many of the things you said we wouldn't have to do when you first got with Katie. And that I'm actually volunteering to do them. I vividly remember you telling me that i could call or text you whenever I wanted to, as long as I knew you might not be able to get back to me if Katie was around. Now I've basically volunteered to do neither. But at least I can do it now. And I thank you for never pulling the rug out from under me. You graciously and patiently waited for me to get off the rug and back on solid ground before you and I pulled the rug up together.

On the way back to my grandparents', I was kinda cry-ified. I'm not even sure I could tell you why I wanted to call you so bad, just to hear you reaffirm our friendship once more and to reassure me that we'd all three be ok. But I didn't. Every moment on the trip back when I wanted to pick up the phone, I reminded myself of all the times you stayed on the phone with me even though what YOU really needed was space and time alone because you knew that I needed to talk. It makes me feel better to hope that I'm giving you what you need. It also makes me feel good that I can deal with moments like these on my own. Thank you.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Not Ready to Make Nice- Dixie Chicks

I really liked this song when I first heard it but I heard it several times this morning and it really seems fitting right now.

Not Ready to Make Nice- Dixie Chicks
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it
I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

Friday, June 02, 2006

New Strings - Miranda Lambert

I really wanted to add this as my myspace song but it isn't on her profile. It's still a really great song.
"New Strings"
I bet this road will take me out of here
Take me far away from Amarillo
I bet this car will go real fast
The wheels might even drive me past
The places that you said I'd never go

Oh...The Texas Sky is the biggest one I've seen
But it still aint big enough for you and me
All the things that make you mad,
All the baggage in your past
Don't leave much room for a girl like me to be
So I'll fill her up with hope and worn-out dreams

[Chorus]
An I'll grab the wheel and point it west
Pack the good and leave the rest
I'll drive until I find the missing piece
You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas
And an empty heart
But I have everything I'll ever need
I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings

Mama said I never should have done it
Should have ended us before we ever started
Daddy knew about my pride so he stood there
And he smiled inside and I pretended that I
Didn't notice a little tear that fell when I said I was going

[Repeat Chorus]
An I'll grab the wheel and point it west
Pack the good and leave the rest
I'll drive until I find the missing piece
You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas
And an empty heart
But I have everything I'll ever need
I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings

[Tag]
I've worried about life and
If it's arriving right on time
I guess if you don't jump
You'll never know if you can fly

[Repeat Chorus]
An I'll grab the wheel and point it west
Pack the good and leave the rest
I'll drive until I find the missing piece
You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas
And an empty heart
But I have everything I'll ever need
I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings

Over My Head- The Fray

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=81260169
"Over My Head (Cable Car)"
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Some Recent Thoughts on Buddhism

Many of the core principles of my DBT group therapy are derived from Eastern and Buddhist meditation and mindfulness practices adapted specifically to help people with borderline personality disorders. So, in addition to the specific things I've been doing for my therapy, I have been getting back into my meditation practices and reading/studying Buddhism. I'm currently reading Awakening to the Sacred by Lama Surya Das, my favorite Buddhist writer. So far, he's written many times about mystical experiences, both in Buddhist oral/written tradition and that he and followers around him have experienced. While he brings these stories up in relation to both individuals having mystical experiences while meditating and experiences had in the presence of people who are supposably the reincarnation of famous Lamas. While he never gives a very concrete answer about the latter, he does write about the former that all his teachers told him to just keep meditating without trying to really examine or recreate or getting stuck in that experience. Ok, I understand that is how one is supposed to deal with that experience. But my question is "Is it real?" Or is it just mass delusion? Or a result of long periods of meditation? Or maybe fasting? Is it real or just a delusion?

(Yes, I am well aware that his answer is meant to discourage this kind of questioning, but I still question. Sue me.)

Absolutely Ridiculous Video Game!!!!

There has been a lot of talk about this video game in the liberal blogs but I just had to share this with other people I know. There is a video game being made out of the Left Behind book series, which is about the trials of a group of Chistians who's faith is restored after the real faithful are taken to heaven before the apocalypse. In this video game, gamers play as a band of these reborn Christians in New York who travel the city violently and bloodily killing 'infidels'. (Not sure exactly who this is. In the books, there is a single world religion that is established through the UN which then elects the Anti-Christ as its leader, so I'm guessing the infidels are Anti-Christ followers and are not supposed to be members of real non-Christian religions.Yes, I did read some of the books out of curiousity. While full of movie-style action, they are written on the level of a 3rd grader.) Also, the bodies do not disappear or get proper burials. They just sit around rotting up the place. On the plus side, however, gamers can switch to the infidel side.

In addition to this, the game is being developed by a company associated with the mega-church pastor Rick Warren, who also wrote The Purpose Driven Life, thus giving it some credibility by association. Also, when asked about the extreme levels of violence in the game, the makers said something about how the only R-rated movie in the 20 highest grossing movies ever was the Passion of the Christ. While I don't disagree that the video game might be profitable, I have my questions about how Christians can support extremely violent movies and video games. Especially when some of these same people make such a fuss about other violent movies, TV, and video games.

PS I love GTA 3 and San Andreas.