Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Untitled Poem

Found in a notebook I don't write in often, not dated, kinda only half-finished but wanted to share when I found it.

I watch TV as you sleep
Henry and June
On the big television on your
Oversized chest of drawers
Know you'll fuck my brains out
If you catch me watching it
During a lusty sex scene
The light from the television
Makes your dark skin shine
Your knee pointing out from
Under the comforter
I want to kiss it, lick the crease in the underside
Wake you up to be ravaged by you again
But I don't want to wake you
I like you more than I should
I might love you butI can't be sure it's not
Just circumstances and good sex
But you are sick and twisted
Like I am
You write ideas on little scraps of paper
You came back just to make sure I wouldn't leave upset at myself
You conceal romantic gestures
Just in case they aren't accepted

And I can't stop

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Years

I don't have the greatest New Years. They aren't bad, persay. When I was young, I always spent New Year's Eves at my grandparents house, as I did every break, and, well, it wasn't really a party. That isn't my grandparent's fault. They were/are older. My grandma would be in bed long before midnight and my grandpa and I would usually stay up to watch the ball drop. The neighbors across the street seemed to have a better time, as they banged pans and shot off guns at midnight. There was also the obligatory call to my (middle) uncle since his birthday is New Year's Eve, but he was usually drunk, though thankfully usually more sad drunk than beligerent drunk.

New Year's Eves didn't get better when I got older, as I thought they would. I haven't gone to many parties and I haven't been with significant others who saw it as a big deal and made any kind of plans for it. I remember one year Sir bought tickets for a pro hockey game for my Christmas present (my request of gift, btw) and they happened to be for New Years. Though I probably shouldn't have dressed up, since we had to walk in the cold to and from the stadium, I still did. We got back to his place with enough time for me to drink a bottle of champagne (Sir doesn't drink), see Dick Clark looking not so great the first year after his stroke, watch the ball drop, and have an embarassing sex accident. Joy.

I think the best New Year's Eve was the one I had when I was 18 at the party thrown by my gay friends. They were the only good thing about living in Skanky State Capitol City. One of the young men worked for a local HIV/AIDS education center, ran their LGBTQ youth group, and worked the coatcheck at the local all-ages, gay-friendly club for donations to the center. It wasn't a huge party, but it was full of friendly accepting people (gay men, lesbians, straight chicks, coupla straight boys- all 18 and over) hanging out, joking, eating peanut butter cups out of each other's crotches, and hitting each other with my leather belt. Lol. It was alot more fun than it might sound.

But I've always thought New Years was kinda depressing. No presents. No special food. Lots of places closed. Just alcohol, which is no fun if you don't have friends. Even less fun if you don't have a significant other. And to make resolutions, one has to look back at the previous year, which is usually pretty depressing. Last New Year's Eve, I thought that things would have to get better the next year, except for BT being deployed. Turns out I was wrong. I hope this next year will be better. Hope I can make it better. So here are my New Years songs. I think the first one is pretty hopeful but they are all reflexive and depressing too. Enjoy ;)

What a Year for a New Year- Dan Wilson
no youtube-
What a year for a new year
We need it like we needed life I guess
Last one left us lying in a mess
What a year for a new year

What a night for a sunrise
And we thought the dark would never end
Reaching out to try to find a friend
What a night for a sunrise

What a day for new day
And our star shines like a miracle
And our world is almost beautiful again
What a day for a new day
New day

What a year for a new year
What a night for a sunrise
And we thought the dark would never end
Reaching out to try to find a friend
What a night for a sunrise

Soon we'll be lying in our beds
And new dreams will fill our heads
And the old ones will be ended
Hope we'll forget about this place
Let it go without a trace
Wipe the teardrops from our faces
Oh! What a year for a new year!

A Long December- Counting Crows
A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast

And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

The New Year - Death Cab for Cutie
so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back.
there'd be no distance that could hold us back (x2)
so this is the new year (x4)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds (feat. Regina Spektor)

So it's way late and I'm kinda fascinated with anything and everything, but I'm too overwhelmed to really sort through real life properly, so you are getting this. More music and lyrics. Well, mostly lyrics.

So this is the latest single by Ben Folds. I liked him from the first of the Ben Folds Five days. Not from "Brick", kiddies. No, from "Underground." That raucous piano had me. At the time, I was still taking lessons on my keyboard and I was bowled over that someone could make a piano sound like that. Then, when I got ahold of their CDs and listened to the lyrics of the non-single songs, I found something more. I really like songs that have that little dramatic irony. Songs like this one where the music sounds happy but the message is actually pretty bitter. Or that little twist, like how Spektor counters by singing that Folds doesn't know her either at the end of the song. That's also a large part of what I like about the Barenaked Ladies- songs like "Break Your Heart" which one might think on the surface is a man who doesn't want to break the heart of his significant other, but really reveals that the singer is coward who egotistically thinks that his significant other is too weak and in love with him to live without him.

I also really like Regina Spektor. I think she does amazing piano-based songwriting. And I think that her voice, which is unusual, compliments Folds' and the song as well. Just like I admire Snow Patrol for picking Martha Wainwright to sing duet on "Set Fire to the Third Bar" because her unusual voice compliments the lead singer of that bands. It's not just having a female voice. It's having one that fits the male voice and the song itself.

And as much as I know this song is broadly about people who've been together a long time feeling like their partner doesn't know them, I think it's also about the misunderstandings that happen, even when you would think that the people would know each other well enough for them not to. Folds doesn't want to tell her what he has to say because he says she only change it. He also wonders why she even wants him at all if he's all these bad things she says. Both of those experiences hit really close to home for me right now, both from experiences I had with TyRoy. The misunderstanding one... well, I think we both think it was a situation of us talking past one another. When I look at the text and email back and forth, I don't think we were even having the same conversation. As for the latter, well, that was all on me. For as much as I (perhaps rightly) felt like he wanted to change me, in a benign paternalistic way, I also greatly underestimated him, what he wanted in his life and relationships, and what he was capable of as a man and a person. But with my limited view of him, why would I have wanted to be with him? And why would anyone want to be with someone who thought so poorly of them?

I think it's really hard to know anyone at all.

You Don't Know Me- Ben Folds (feat. Regina Spektor)
I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?
Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am
(Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am
(Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f**k would you want me back?!
Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah
(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it
cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(at all)

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Aha ah
Ah ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Recent Events

Now that the meds aren't quite so oppressive and I'm realizing that I can't live any kind of actual life sitting on my parents' futon, I'm trying to get out a bit, reconnect with friends, make new friends, in addition to looking for work. I've kinda had a paralyzing social anxiety since I've been out of the hospital, which was probably good at that time, or I would have just had sex continuously with anyone after BT left. But it isn't good for the long-term. So I'm hanging out with long-term friends that I''m currently JUST friends with in the next couple weeks. I'm also chatting online with some possible new "friends" who have varying levels of desired commitments. I'm just playing it by ear.

But friends, well, relationships with people in general are... well, tough. I'm volatile, inconsistent, and generally difficult to deal with over a long period of time. MP told me last week that I really needed to understand that dealing with me, at least when I'm not doing well, can take a great deal out of a person. And I'm not good at spreading that stress around either. It usually lands squarely on the person that I'm closest to at the time, often my significant other. I'm intellectually aware of this, but that doesn't really do much good when I'm not doing well and my emotions have control. I'm trying, even if it doesn't seems like it. And I'm trying even harder now, after a week of almost constant arguing with TyRoy, and managing to get myself into a mean-ish disagreement with MP today. Ugh.

While I know that what I really need is intense therapy for... well, forever, I'm trying to just focus on being as normal as possible. The first part of that is getting a job. I apply daily for jobs. I have a preliminary group interview/testing/fingerprinting for a temporary seasonal government job in January. I am playing phone tag with two human resource recruiters. I am on the available list for several temporary employment agencies. Until then, I'm trying to make up for being a jobless bum with doing stuff for my folks around the house. Though I'm still not good at cooking anything that I don't like, which usually means a noodle dish. I made tuna noodle casserole last week. Yum. I'm hoping to get a full-time (or even part-time) job with health insurance. Then I could get the therapy. One thing at a time though.

But I'm still making use of the health insurance that I have while I have it. I got a birth control implant. It lasts for three years. I'm SO happy about it. I've been asking doctors about longer term birth control options since I started this insurance and I was mostly rebuffed. I can't do the monthly shots because they have been known to drastically increase depression. I didn't want to do the ring because I've heard it fails. I'm tired of the pills and there's too much risk of missing a day. I wanted an IUD. My primary care physician said that I should stick with the pill, since I took other pills everyday anyway. But now that I'm on these meds and about to lose my health insurance, the gynecologist was happy to give me something else, though she suggested the implant instead since IUDs can make infections (like STDs) travel faster and it would have to be taken out if I had any procedure for abnormal cervical cells. Hell, maybe she just gets a kickback on the implants. Either way, I have it now and I'm super happy to have 3 years of birth control all paid for and off my mind. Though my arm kinda hurts right now.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I made a list of the side effects of the lithium to talk to him about. I don't know what will happen with it. I don't even know what I want to happen with it. We'll see.

In the definatively bad news category, my computer blew up Sunday. It shut itself off Saturday night. I thought it might just have been hot or something so I left it alone. When I tried to turn it on Sunday afternoon, nothing happened. NOTHING. My uncle's boyfriend, who built the computer for me, suggested I check the outlet, the surge protector, and then the power cord. I got to the final one, switching the power cords for the monitor and the CPU. There was a spark in the middle of the CPU, then a bigger, longer lasting spark in the back by the power supply. It smelled like burning. Sigh. I think it's completely fried. I just hope we can salvage my memory because I was too lazy to backup my music and pictures and writing.

That doesn't help with the "new friends" department. I'm using my mom's computer right now and only have access to two pictures that I sent out recently. I was supposed to meet someone for coffee today. I'm pretty cautious when I meet new people from the internet, asking for full name and phone number when I meet someone in public, and making sure that someone has that info, where I am, and expect me to check in. Maybe I'm paranoid, but anyone could be a psycho killer and I'd like to at least give the cops some clues. Also, I have people around me (Mom, TyRoy) who insist on the info, insist on me taking some steps to protect myself. Well, the man I was supposed to meet today took offense to that. He said that he never gave that information out. He attributed it to the fact that someone had recently stolen his identity. If that is true, then I think that is aweful, but it doesn't mean I'm going to not protect myself. When I told him why I need the info, he said that I just shouldn't date but stay at home with my parents were I was safe. He also said that he dates all the time and no one has ever asked him for that information. And it might be true that they don't ask him before they meet him, but I can't imagine that women are happy to date him without knowing his last name or having a phone number that they can call him on. And I am aware that dating is never safe, meeting people is never safe, nothing is ever completely safe. But I'm not so scared that I don't go out at all, don't meet people at all, and I don't want to be. But I don't feel like it's wrong to ask for those other things. I'm not asking for your social security number, for christ's sake. And I've never had a guy not give me that info. I did have one guy give me a completely false name, though MP quickly found his real name for me. hehehe. Even married guys will give me that info. I understand that other people want to feel safe and secure too and I don't want to make anyone feel un-safe. Both people need to feel as safe as possible. But I don't know you and I don't know what possible risks there are in being around you and, as I don't know you, I'm more worried about my safety than I am yours. Oh well. Whatever.

Oh, and apparently, in addition to the friends that I've driven to anger by my actions lately and the possible dates who I've upset, BT completely hates me. It isn't like I haven't done wrong. It isn't like he didn't have every right to leave me. But I guess I always hoped we'd be friends. I at least hoped we'd be civil if I wasn't picking fights. And I've really tried not to make the situation worse. I haven't texted unless I needed something. I told him before I took cash. I mailed the mail of his that came to my house to him. I told his mom to give the woman he's with now a chance because she makes him really happy. I even did all the paperwork and paid for the divorce that he wanted, that he now says he wants so he can marry this other woman. But none of that matters because of what I've done. Oh, and because I"m fat. He's found someone smaller and better who he really loves (guess he never really loved me?) and he hopes that I can develop some self-respect. (His words, not my extrapolation.) Sigh. I do hope he's happy and that it all works out for everyone involved.

I guess what it all really makes me wonder is how long and how much people should have to suffer for the bad things they do? I know that this is just me paying for the wrong I did him. I'm not paying for a larger wrong that I did to many people, for a wrong that is illegal. And maybe for him, it is right that I should be looked down upon and hated and belittled by him for the rest of our lives, even if I lived a perfect life from here on out, even if I did anything and everything I could think of or he could tell me to do as penance. It's not like I'm talking about getting back with him, him loving me, maybe not even talking about being friends. But just not being insulting for no good reason. (And do you really think it's a good idea to insult someone who is already suicidal, self-harming, and has zero self-esteem? Don't you think she already feels like shit?) "You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind/I dont know why you gotta be angry all the time."

Makes me wonder about people who have done much worse things. How do you do the penance? How do you live with yourself and what you've done and still have the strength to work to make it better? I think about my uncle, the middle child between my mom and my youngest uncle. Since his teens, he's struggled with addiction and done so much damage. There was a time when my grandparents told him they wouldn't help him come back to the area where they lived. Not sure when the last time was that he asked. He's traveled the country, living in all kinda of places, struggled with substance abuse. I was too young to know what was going on when he lived near us. But last Christmas my grandmother paid for him to visit, since her sixth sense told her that it would be my grandfather's last Christmas. Gram said he was sober now. I was there for the first part of the visit, before I left to visit BT's family with him. In a couple days, when Grandpa was admitted to the hospital, that uncle got drunk. He got beligerent with my other uncle, who has completely written him off after having to grow up in the shadow of his brother's delinquency. My diplomatic mother was the only one who could deal with him. When he was still drunk and unruly the next morning, my grandmother drove him to the bus station and sent him back home early. If that hadn't been the case, he might have been there when his father passed a few days later. When I called to break the news, he made it all about him. I'm still upset. I'm upset that my grandmother actively pursues contact with him after all that. I wonder if I could rise above all that if he was ever to really try to change his life, if he tried to act unselfishly towards me and/or our family. But I haven't had to deal with his bs as much. My other uncle has and I honestly don't think that he could ever forgive his brother. Maybe the better comparison for me would be if my bio father changed and wanted to be a part of my life. But it's difficult for me to compare myself to them. Is the damage I did to BT in just a little over a year compare?

Sigh. I just don't know. All I can do is try to be the best person I can be to everyone, regardless of if they recognize it or care. I'm not claiming to be a saint. I imagine they are good people because they are good people by nature. I try to be a good person so I have less to feel bad about. I'm not a martyr. I still do selfish things and I don't see these things as sacrifice. If I did, I might not do it. I just don't want people to hate me.

On that note, I'm going to bed.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

More Drug Ranting

I am now appreciating more and more how and why the psychiatrists like to have you in the hospital while adjusting your meds and why the hospital staff like to have a care plan for you once you get out, where you get some sort of full-time treatment, help and monitoring. Kinda like how Dr Drew was harping on Sober Living Facilities on Celebrity Rehab. I'm SO frustrated by my medication right now and my (probably very overworked) psychiatrist has had to reschedule my last two appointments so I haven't gotten to talk to him about it. When I was in the hospital, I had wanted to go into a night treatment program close to my house but my insurance wouldn't cover it at all. So we opted for me going to my therapist a bunch. But I didn't make appointments and got dumped by my therapist. (My fault that I didn't go, though he didn't say that it was because of that, but that he was cutting back, so maybe not.)

But at least I can get in to see my psychiatrist within a month (unless he cancels), which is better than when I didn't have any health insurance and went to the county mental health facilities. To see a prescribing doctor or nurse practitioner there, one had to wait three months. How can one manage med changes that way? Plus, if one is going there, they most likely don't have health insurance, or not one with mental health coverage, are probably lower-income and less education, which all makes it more likely that they have no other treatment choices in situations were no treatment could lead to unemployment and homelessness. Maybe that sounds extreme but I'm realizing more and more that my parents are the only ones who stand between me and the street. Seriously.

Another things that I had never really thought about until recently was non-compliance with a psychiatric medicine regime. When I was just on anti-depressants, the only thing in my mind that would have lead to active non-compliance would have been my inability to purchase the meds because I didn't have the money. But there were no bad side effects and I knew, especially after my doctor and I tried to switch me to a different anti-depressant, that I would be constantly and consistantly suicidial if I was not on the anti-depressant I was on. So very little cons and a huge pro for compliance. But the lithium is different. There are a great many side effects. And, while I do honestly believe that when I first got on the lithium, especially right after BT ended things and I was really bad, it helped to dull everything enough and take away enough of my energy and passion to stop me from hurting myself, I don't think that it is doing what it is supposed to be doing at this point. I'm still having WILD mood swings (just ask TyRoy) and the desire to self-harm is not dampened. So if there is a great deal of con but seemingly little pro, do I want to stay on it?

When I brought this up to MP today, he suggested that this was just a common delusion that people who are mentally ill and on psychiatric drugs have. I'm well aware of this. I know that, especially for those who are very ill, medicine compliance is a HUGE issue. I'm not saying I'm better and I don't need drugs. I am saying that why I haven't self-harmed is because of myself, mostly because of my own fears about the consequences of it not self-control, BUT that I don't think it is because of the lithium. And, with all the shitty side effects, I don't know if the shit is worth what I get, especially when I don't think I'm getting anything good. Then again, I'm not really contemplating medicine non-compliance. I won't just stop taking something or attempt to step myself off of it. What I am talking about is talking to my doctor to either get off mood stabilizers completely or to switch to something else. *Sigh* I have no idea what to do.

Oh, and to add to yesterdays laundry list of shitty side effects, my hair got dry and started falling out, my skin is dry, and I've developed back and neck acne. Lovely. Sure I"m going to find another mate now.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Reckoning - Ani DiFranco

This is one of my favorite songs right now. The second disk of "So Much Shouting" is full of breakup songs so I've been listening to it alot on my drives. Catharsis, you know? This song is bittersweet though kinda hopeful. The first two verses could be sung to me but it's the third verse that's been in my head the last couple of days. Hell, I was gonna write that the third verse was one that made me think of someone else, which it does, but I think it could be sung to me as well. I guess I'm done running my marathon and just hoping that I'm still the song someone sings when they're alone.

Reckoning - Ani DiFranco
you can doubt anything
if you think about it long enough.
cause what happened always adjusts
to fit what happened after that.

and it's hard to feel like you are free.
when all you seem to do is referee.
i remember when it was just you and me
steppin' up to bat.

and win or lose, just that we chose,
this little war is what kills us.
and either or it's that this war is,
maybe also what thrills us.

we thought we left possession behind.
the truth is iwas yours and you weren't mine.
i've replayed a thousand times exactly what was said.

cause nothing is as it appears.
in the fun house mirrors of your fears
on a roller coaster of all these years
with your hands above your head.

and win or lose, just that we chose,
this little war is what kills us.
and either or it's that this waris,
maybe also what thrills us.

and you know i don't care how fast you run
just tell me baby when you're done with your little marathon
that you still have cab fare home.
cause the finish line is a shifty thing
and what is life but reckoning?
and baby you are still the song i sing to myself when i'm alone.

and win or lose just that you chose
this little war is what kills you.
and either or it's that this war is,
maybe also what thrills you.

Drugs Are Bad, Mmmkay?

I now consider myself to have been very lucky with the SSRI anti-depressants that had been the major psychiatric drugs that I had been on until this last hospitalization, though of course I didn't fully appreciate that until the addition of the Lithium.

When first confronted by Sir and his parents (especially his mother who was a nurse) that my suicidal ideation and self-harming were symptoms of a larger major depressive disorder that could be treated with drugs, as opposed to just "how I was", I was very reluctant. All I knew of psychiatric drugs were the horrible side effects that I'd seen dramatized in tv shows and movies. I didn't want to be drugged out, bogged down, or out of it. I didn't want to change my essential personality, whatever the hell that was/is. But I went on them anyway. I was surprised that the first side effects were not mental but physical - sleepiness, dizziness, nausea. That went away pretty quickly but there wouldn't be a noticable mental effect for a full six weeks. Then it was like everything got clearer, not muddled as I had feared.

Future experimentation with anti-depressants would be hit and miss. I went on Paxil for a while because my insurance at the time covered it completely, but started paying less toward the Celexa I had been on at the time. I was suicidal as soon as the Celexa got out of my system. Then, last year, when my Celexa pooped out after 7 years, the Effexor I was put on first made me homicidal at the first upping of the dose then suicidal after the second. And I couldn't put together a train of thought. Yeah. That shit had to go. Though there was the REALLY fun side effect of being slightly euphoric and overly happy when I was stepping off the Effexor and onto the Lexapro, but that couldn't last.

But if I had thought that the Effexor was bad, well, I had another thing coming. Lithium is a whole different animal. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me grounded in this is taking a step out of myself to observe the side effects, keep a mental log in my mind for whenever my doctor decides to keep our next appointment. Some of the initial side effects have worn off, and some I've gotten used to. The week before Thanksgiving, I started noticing that the gap between me and the world was mostly gone. A friend who had been on a similar drug told me that she felt like she was stoned all the time. As pot doesn't get me high (I'm a freak), I don't know if that is how I felt or not. But it did kinda feel like non-funny, just lazy tv/movie stoners act. I felt kinda like a really slothful automaton who sometimes lost track of time. But, like I said, that's mostly gone. When it does come, it only comes for a brief spell. My appetite is still gone most of the time, though I've gotten better at eating enough food often enough that I don't get sick. The only thing that I crave physically is salty things, though my love of food has come back enough that I now eat with my mind whenever I make myself eat, which I'm sure will catch up to my weight soon enough. I'm not sure I care at this point. I've also gotten better at drinking enough water to avoid dehydration. The tremor is still there though. I'm learning how to force myself to work with it and not care about what other people may think. My grandpa had and my uncle and my mom have this same tremor, to varying degrees and they still work just fine and no one thinks less of them for it. I could only hope that people view me as they view those three.

But there are somethings that I'm not sure whether they are side effects of the drug or just me or the combination of me and the drug. This mostly regards my moods in the past week or so. Now, unless I'm mad at a specific person/group of people for a specific thing, I'm not really inclined to violence and I generally don't want to just go around beating people up, except when I go to Walmart or Target during the holiday season. And I'm not prone to unexplainable crying jags that aren't precipitated by a sad song or movie. But over the weekend, I cycled between wanting to beat the crap out of someone, anyone, for no reason, one day to crying non-stop for a full day for no reason. And today, after only 4 hours of sleep, I am a walking zombie, mentally out of it and tired but unable to go back to sleep, feeling like I'm vibrating out of my shell. I thought this stupid drug was supposed to HELP with both sides of bipolar, to stabilize one's moods, and, though I'm not diagnosed bipolar in any official way, I would hope that it would do the same for me. Which begs the question- are these moods just side effects of the drug that anyone could experience? Are they just me? Or are they from the combination of both?

And, probably most importantly, what should I want in regards to this medicine when I finally get to talk to the doctor? I think I've been on it long enough to know the side effects, though the only real way to tell if I can handle them is to see if I can work and live a real life on them as I'm not sure disability is really an option. It's definately not optimal. And I'm not sure if it is doing enough good to make up for the bad it does. *Sigh* Weigh in if you have an opinion. Thanks.