Thursday, December 22, 2005

You're My Better Half- Keith Urban

"You're My Better Half"
Car door slams,
it's been a long day at work
I'm out on the freeway and
I'm wondering if it's all worth
The price that I pay,
sometimes it doesn't seem fair
I pull into the drive and you're standing there
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
You pull me close and you hold me tight

[Chorus:]It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half

They say behind every man is a good woman
But I think that's a lie
'Cause when it comes to you
I'd rather have you by my side
You don't know how much I count you to help me
When I've given everything I got
and I just feel like giving in
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and you hold me tight


Well, you take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and I understand
It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe that we can make it through anything
Oh baby, it's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half
Oh, oh baby you're my better half
Ooh, hey baby you're my better half

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Life Is Short

I'm young, but getting older everyday. Almost all the girls at work have at least one kid, even those that are younger than me. But something has happened within the past day or so that makes me realize how short life is. I never want to for get this lesson. I am vowing to tell everyone I love that I love them. I am vowing to be my best and to strive everyday. I want to take chances and risks and really live.

Faithful- Common

"Faithful"(feat. Bilal, John Legend)
[sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] We got to be [sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] I want to be [sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] Yes, its for the people, God moves, yeah

[Verse 1]
I was rollin' around, in my mind it occurred
What if God was a her?
Would I treat her the same?
Would I still be runnin' game on her?
In what type of ways would I want her?
Would I want her for her mind or her heavenly body?
Couldn't be out gettin' bogus with someone so godly
If I was wit' her would I still be wantin' my ex?
The lies, the greed, the weed, the sex
Wouldn't be ashamed to give her part of my check
Wearin' her cross, I mean the heart on my neck
Her I would reflect on the streets of the Chi'
Ride wit' her, 'cause I know for me she'd die
Through good and bad call on her like I'm chirpin' her
Couldn't be jealous 'cause other brothers worship her
Walk this earth for her, glory, I'm grateful
To be in her presence I try to stay faithful

[Chorus][sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] I'd like to be her very best friend

[Verse 2]He worked with her, she was his lady's best friend
Even if they don't try some ladies test men
And this was a test that was bigger than him
Some believe its the nature that is given to men
He had a good gig, a wife, a kid, a decent home
One reason or another couldn't find peace at home
She asked, "Why do men always have to stray?"
He said, "I'm bad, not as bad as Eric Benet"
"I used to take 'em out to eat but they wasn't really eatin'
Mighta got a little head but I wasn't really cheatin'"
It's hard when your lady don't believe what you say
And what you did in the past you gotta live with today
She asked if they could spend the night together
He thought, and said, "I'm tryin' to get my life together"
Went home to his lady, these were his confessions
"Baby you a blessin' and my best friend"

What You Miss

Grieving for the loss of a relationship that I never really had, maybe more for the dream of us than the real us. I don't even fantasize about kissing others, can't imagine kissing someone new. Only fantasize about the one I do kiss, but don't really have.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


This has been a very good couple of days creatively, especially today. Is it the meditation/studying Buddhism more that is doing it? If so, what exactly is it doing? Is it calming down the worrying part of my mind so that I can think of other things? Opening me up to new ideas? Making me more compassionate so I wonder about other lifes, other's lives, other experiences? All of this? None of this?


I wonder what it would be like to not be hungry. I remember MS, my male best friend in high school. When we were still in high school, I never saw him eat. He was my date to a dance and we all went out to eat at a nice restaurant before the dance. He just pushed his food around his plate. I know he did eat, by fast food wrappers that gradually accumulated in the backseat of his car. But it was very gradual. Even later, once out of high school and in college, I saw him eat more, but that was usually fueled by weed. What was his lack of appetite driven by, or anyone for that matter? Was it psychological? Slight anorexia? A desire not to get chubby like he was before his growth spurt? A negative view of food? A picky pallet? Or just not associating food, especially unhealthy food, with good emotions?

As I struggle with trying to eat more healthy food and less junk food and just balance out everything, I wonder what it would be like to only eat out of necessity and not very often.


What came first-girls being sexualized younger and younger & trying to act sexy very young or adult men trying to hook-up with underage and very young girls? I don't want to talk about "sexualizing children at ever younger ages", which is such a conservative cliche, and totally ignores that children are curious about their bodies and sex from the time they are little, it is just a matter of how that is expressed. Throughout the ages, kids have been curious and explored that curiousity alone or with others their own age, but it seems to me that it was very innocent and naive and didn't have the "skanky" feel it does today. And I'm also not kidding myself that many children throughout time have had sexual experiences with adults, whether consenting or not or married or not. (Until recently, almost everyone was married long before we today legally allow it, except in Georgia. And it was not uncommon for a much older man to marry a teenage girl.) So is it really that different today, or does it just seem that way because the media exploits it? I watched the NBC expose on child predators on the internet where they had Perverse Justice volunteers go online and claim to be an underage boy or girl to see if they would really come to the house and make good on their online talk. Many did even though they thought the boy or girl was 13. Is there really an explosion in this kind of behavior? Is it that advertisers are targetting younger and younger girls who want to act older (sexiness connotating maturity) and have disposable income (or parents with disposable income) so they make they put this image forward for younger girls which in turn leads to this very young sexy image in the culture that men latch onto? Does it have to do with girls today looking older at younger ages? I remember when I was 10-13, getting hitting on by older boys who were 16-20 but they always stopped once they found out my age and were very embarassed. All they saw were the boobs and thought I was much older than I was, though they probably knew I was younger than them. Later, when I was 17-18, I got hit on by two 35-40 year old men who knew my age all along and were happy to exploit that. Had something changed in the collective man's mind in those 4-8 years? Or had it always been that way? I recently heard that a (sports?) radio commentator boldly said that he thinks all straight men are much more attracted to women 16-20 (even if they are underage and not in their own age range).

How has the internet changed that? Would these men have done this if the internet was not their interface for meeting these very underage partners? Would they have been the guy in Lolita anyway? Or, since the internet is a very surreal place to meet people, it becomes "let's talk to this person>talk becomes sexual so they follow it> they take up the invitation because it is there" but they never would have done it without the internet. (I don't know this side of things- I only know the side of the real 13 year old talking online to older, more experienced people, feeling like a huge freak becaue no one else around me is interested in sex.)

When did the ideal woman in advertising change from sexy-20/30 to sexy-16/20 to sexy-teen to sexy-pre-teen or sexy-pre-pubescent?

Monday, December 12, 2005

Job vs. Career

What do people expect of fresh college grads? Personally, I have yet to graduate college and am working as a data entry drone in an underground government facility for a very mediocre hourly wage and no benefits. I only work 40 hours a week and I like it that way. (Though I have to work more than 8 hours a day on weeks where we have a government mandated day off to make up my hours because I don't have paid holidays.) I don't have to take my work home with me and I get to leave it all there. I have a really good reputation with a temp agency and they always find me work. When I do graduate, unless I find a really great job editing or freelance writing, I don't want to work more than forty hours a week. Unless my job is really good or really promising, I'm not doing it. I have to have a life. Do employers think that you just graduated and don't have a family that you don't have or want a life? That your career or just this job they gave you should take up your whole exsistence? Where is the balance? Do they even believe in balance? I'd rather take an hourly job (though one with benefits) than a job like that. Do I just lack ambition? Or work ethic? Unless it is really really rewarding, I can't imagine spending the endless hours that jobs seem to expect.

Story Idea 12/12/05

After meeting the local sidekick dj, I was thinking about the difference between how I imagined him and how he really looked and acted. I kinda thought he would look like ex-J, who was a little pudgy and round, though kinda tall. Ex-J worked as dj in the very small capital city of our fine midwestern state. I don't know if he ever made it past that. I kinda hope he did, but I don't think so. I wonder about someone meeting him like that.

I Met a Celebrity!!

Ok, so not really a CELEBRITY! But I did meet someone who is more well known than me or any of my friends, beside maybe T, or Sir as he now likes to be called. The local alternative station sponsors cheap burgers and fries on Fridays at a local bar and grill out here in the suburbs of my small midwestern city. The afternoon drive-time show, which I really like, broadcasts live there every Friday. I had often wanted to go but I had no one to go there with, until just recently. These lesbians that I know go there for the cheap food on Fridays. And the scantily clad waitresses, which I did not know about at the time. (Horrible service too.) So Friday we went there. (I was supposed to meet a girl that they were trying to hook me up with, but she didn't show because her daughter got into a car accident. Can I not meet a single woman without kids around here!!!!) Anyway, this guy was passing out CDs so we flagged him down. That is when he introduced himself as the sidekick on the drive-time show. His radio name suggests that he needs to lose weight, but he is really really skinny. He was really nice and chatty (though I guess that is his job). We discussed how the alt station here was much better than the ones in T's slightly larger midwestern town. It was really cool meeting a local celebrity. I hope to get to chat him up again (not romantically but just as someone interested in music). I also feel kinda sorry for him because he seems like a nice guy and the dj always picks on him.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Short Verse

The smell of the expensive perfume burned my nose all day as I worked. It kept pulling my attention away from my work & to the gathering I was going to after work, for which I had put on my best & least used perfume. I made stupid mistakes.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Soul-sucking Life

Woke up with a migraine and called sick into work. Laid around all day. Feel like this boring ass job is sucking the life out of me.