Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Welcome K

So, it seems someone other than Sir has been reading my blog. I hope you've enjoyed all my thoughts and ideas, etc. And I guess it is only fair that you read my work since I've read yours. "Don't write words unless you want me to read them." Never truer. Sir didn't tell me because he didn't want me to censor myself, thinking that you might feel compassion or understanding for me if you saw my own words, true and raw. And, as I now have nothing to lose, I'll try to continue to write as I always have before, regardless of whether or not you are out there. Not that you are or will ever be interested, but if you want to know me, this is a good place to start, though nowhere near where to end. Take care and know that Sir has told you a great deal more bad things about me than he has told me bad things about you.

"Now That It's Over"-Everclear

Yeah right!
One, two, three, four

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it's over

Break down, shake for me
Don't write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it's over

Maybe we can be friends
Now that we're older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it's over

Yeah right!

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it's over

Oh yeah...
My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do
My nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell

Yeah right!

Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you're leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I'm dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just wakin' up in my own way
Now that it's over
Now that it's over

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do
Nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it's over...

I'm trying to accept the blame for all the shitty things I've done. Or at least the ones I know about. I wonder if you are as well. It's such a shame because I really wanted to get to know you, though you never wanted to get to know me. It's ironic how you are the one afraid of me being violent, when it's you who has only acted out of aggression towards me. Oh well.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Baby Steps

Tonight I talked to someone I didn't know. Just walked right up and introduced myself and started talking. I don't do that very often, not nearly often enough. I had the safety of knowing he was their to see the same person perform that I was, but other than that, I knew nothing other than that he was someone to talk to. Someone who looking interesting. We talked before the show and during the break in between sets. He seemed truly interested in me. It was weird to feel like I could be someone interesting to a total stranger. Weird, but nice. The thought of dating him, of kissing him or touching him, wasn't foremost in my mind. But the idea of talking to him for as long as two people could talk, of hearing him play his music, of listening to the music he listens to, of sitting in his world for a while, was very very appealing. It doesn't mean the day was easy or that I forgot about everything that has been weighing so heavily on me lately, but it was a baby step in the right direction.

Friday, September 22, 2006

"The Moment I Let Go of It Was the Moment I Got More than I Could Handle"

I'm not even sure where to begin at this point. While I feel totally and completely lost, I also feel more in control than I have for a long time. The person that I had used as my compass and guide for so long is gone now. While he, in his ivory tower, may think he is doing this all solely for my benefit, so that I can do this on my own, find my own way without his guidance, I think that is bullshit. And I think a great deal of things about him now are bullshit. Which in a way is good. While I am alive, I will never have a teacher or a mentor that is not human. While the Dali Lama may be an incarnation of the Buddha, even the Buddha was only a man. He said so himself. Ultimately, I have to look inside myself to find out if what I am being taught is true, to evaluate if this person has my best interests and/or the best interests of all humans at heart. Realizing this hasn't made it hurt any less. In fact, I think it has made it hurt worse. I long for my friend and companion to comfort me, but I can't have that back. I might not ever be able to get that back, especially knowing what I know now.

"Simple Together"-Alanis Morisette
You've been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can't go to you for consolation
Cause we're off limits during this transition
This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And i can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
With you i knew god's face was handsome
With you i suffered an expansion
This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And i can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
Thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But i was sadly mistaken

If i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
If i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
If i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
Thought we'd be adventurous togheter
But i was sadly mistaken

Thought we'd be exploring together
Thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
Thought we'd be on fire together
But i was sadly mistaken

(Also have Alanis to thank for the title, my first inspiration of the day, from the song "Thank U")

But here are things I have learned about myself and what I will and will not do. Or maybe just things I had to remind myself of. I won't give up an important part of my life/love/friends/dreams/ideals for a lover or a spouse, especially one who isn't my ideal by a long stretch. I also won't spend my life with someone who I'm settling for just because they are predictable and easy to control. While I won't let my family dictate who I am not friends with, I will also never abandon members of my family because we have a large disagreement over how to handle things or abandon a whole branch of the family because that branch had a falling out with the branch I'm closest to decades ago. Family is family and it would take a something very bad for me to disown them. While "selling out" is a fairly ambigous term, I will always work to keep my ideals, to work for them, and to never give them up or give up my happiness for comfort and a miserable life. And, if my non-friend is reading this and smiling to himself, thinking that he finally got me to start thinking for myself and not relying on him, fuck you. You didn't do shit but rip my heart out. You get no fucking credit. You tossed my friendship aside for a the "love" of a girl who isn't half of anything I am when, if she was even a moderately rational person, you could have, should have had both. There is no way this will end in the best way possible for you.

"That Particular Time"-Alanis Morissette
My foundation was rocked
My tried and true way to deal was to vanish
My departures were old
I stood in the room shaking in my boots
At that particular time love had challenged me to stay
At that particular moment I knew not run away again
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you
At that particular time

We thought a break would be good
For four months we sat and vacillated
We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
At that particular time love encouraged me to wait
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient
That particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
And in the meantime I lost myself
In the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself¡-.i am

You knew you needed more time
Time spent alone with no distraction
You felt you needed to fly solo and high to define
What you wanted
At that particular time love encouraged me to leave
At that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
That particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
At that particular time

Monday, September 11, 2006

Adriene Is Fucking Up!

In a strange coincidence, I was awoken this morning in a similar way to how I was woken up five years ago today-by a phone call telling me something that I at first did not believe but later found to be true. Five years ago today, it was my mother calling to tell me that the World Trade Center had been attacked. Today, it was my boss calling to tell me that I was supposed to have opened the store an hour ago and demanding that I get down there for the morning rush. Thankfully, today's call only affected my boss and I and resulted from an honest mistake in reading the schedule. But it was enough to jolt me out of my mood and allow me to forget that today was also the anniversary of a horrible event in American history. Life does go on, even though we are never the same. And today we all pray for all those who lost their lives, even many of us who don't have a god to pray to, those who died on 9/11, those who have died fighting the wars on terrorism and in Iraq, and those they left behind.

P.S. Sir, I miss you more than ever today. I hope you liked the picture. I was hoping to brighten up an otherwise dreary day. Take care, Sir.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Amazing Photos!!!!

This is also part of a promotional push for this new book of 9/11 pictures. Vanity Fair presents eleven of them as a photo essay. The triptych and the dagguerotype are amazing.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

On the upcoming anniversary...

Monday will be the five year anniversary of the September 11th attacks. It is almost impossible to get away from that fact. MSNBC is planning on rebroadcasting that day's Today show in real time, with commentary by Chris Matthews. ABC is going to air a mini-series and CBS is going to air the documentary 9/11. Many cable stations are airing programs that have to do with some aspect of the attack. For many people, "Where were you on 9/11?" has become the new version of "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" While I hope I'll be able to avoid a good deal of this depressing coverage, I'm always drawn into those things that make me feel worse, so I'm sure I'll get sucked in on Monday. Thinking about that this morning, I started thinking about my memories of 9/11.

I was asleep when the phone started ringing. The phone ringing was not unexpected, as my mom often called me in the morning to make sure I was up in time for classes at my junior college, but she was calling unusually early. When I answered, my mother told me that there had been a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. "You're shitting with me," was my response. When I realized she wasn't kidding, I turned on the television in my room just in time to see a fuzzy picture of the first tower crumbling. My first instinct was to make sure you were alright. At your university, just outside our hometown, I had no reason to question your safety, but, just as my mother had called our home to talk to my step-father, who worked nights then, and I, I reached out for you. The first few times I called your pager (God, I can't believe you still had a pager in 2001!), I got the message that all circuits were busy. I think the only other time I had heard that message when I made a call was when I was trying to order tickets for a concert. I'd never had a moment when the whole city (probably both mine and yours) were busying the circuits. When I finally got through, you called right back. You should have been in class. Though before long, I should have been in class as well, though I didn't go. You had already talked to your family and all of you agreed that it was the work of bin Ladin. While the name sounded familiar to me, at the time, I had no idea who he was. I was still so numb, unable to believe that what I had seen on my television could possible be the reality of what was happening on the edge of the country. But, just knowing that the people I loved were ok made me feel a little bit better. I'm not sure why I had to hear from you to know that you were ok, as you were so far from any of what was happening, but I did.

The night before, I had split the skin on my lower lip open, trying to peel of a bit of dry skin. I thought later that I must have had some misgiving that caused me to chew on that split with my upper teeth until it swelled, but, as you would say, it was probably just a coincidence. All that day, I continued to chew on it as I watched the endless news, though they had little real information to report, just the same pictures of death and destruction broadcast over and over again. Five years later, it doesn't feel as if much has changed with regards to the news, except that it has become more negative, with all traces of community spirit gone, replaced by bitter partisanship.

As I was reliving my memories of that day, I realized your girlfriend was barely able to drive when 9/11 occurred. She could only have been a sophomore, at most a junior. I wonder how much she paid attention to what was going on. It all seems slightly comical right now.

It hardly seems like five years have passed.

*Sigh* It seems as if this blog is becoming the public and living memorial to a friendship lost too soon.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I look like a leopard and there's nothing they can do about it!

During the weekend before last, I found a weird round spot on the inside of my upper arm. Perfectly round. It wasn't the usual hives that I get, which doctors don't seem to be able to do anything about, but something different. And it didn't just go away. The only round skin rash/spot/thingies I'd ever heard of was ringworm, so I started using an anti-fungal treatment. Then, on Saturday, I found more of them, all over my chest. And the original spot hadn't cleared up. So I started looking at pictures on the internet of ringworm and, while I am aware that they usually put the most severe pictures up on medical websites, I could clearly see that what I had looked nothing like these pictures. I couldn't really find any pictures of what I had. And there were more and more spots, none of which were responding to the anti-fungal.

So today I went to the doctor because I was worried about not only what this was but also about spreading it, especially at work, even though all of the spots I have are covered by my clothes at work. It was a case of good news, bad news. Good news: Treatment isn't going to cost me much and it is definately not contagious. Bad news: There is no treatment. It is a condition called pityriasis rosea. No one really knows what causes it and you can't really do anything to "cure" it, perse. Just use creams to keep down the itching and it should go away in two or three months. On the whole, I feel better but now I can't take my shirt off or wear anything remotely low-cut because my chest is covered in small and large spots. I don't have a great deal of faith in the medical field because, if they can't treat any of these minor things, like identifying what my hives are or making me not look like a human-leopard hybrid, I'm not sure why I should have faith that they can do anything about the bigger things.