Friday, September 26, 2008

Trouble Sleeping

I don't know many people who have trouble sleeping.

I wonder if is because most of the people I know and are close to are men.

I used to think it was just me, just a personal problem. When I was much younger, my family labeled me a night owl. When I didn't have to be up at a specific time for something like school or summer camp, I would/could stay up quite late, for a kid at least, and sleep well into the day. At sleepovers, I was usually the last one to fall asleep. Even when I had to get up early for school, I still did not fall asleep when I was sent to bed. I would play with my stuffed animals, having them act out stories, or I'd listen to my walkman or I'd read under the covers with a flashlight. (This is how I managed to read the first four Anne Rice vampire books when I was 12 and deemed too young to read them by my mother.) As I became a teenager, I was just labeled a typical teenager, who liked to stay up late and could sleep well into the day.

But none of this really changed as I got older. In fact, with the depression and medication, it got worse. Also, with the depression came slightly manic periods. It was never enough to be diagnosed as bipolar, especially as anti-depressants alone made things better instead of worse as they would for most bipolar individuals, and I didn't have the behavioral component required by the DSM. But I would have periods of depression and times where I would sleep for days on end, followed by periods of increased activity, inspiration, and sleeplessness. Strangely, sometimes when I'm depressed I can't sleep either. Sleeping medications don't work either. Rarely do they make me sleep at all. If they do, I sleep for 12+ hours, which I can manage on my own, thankyouverymuch.

So, I realize that much of it is chemical and personal, but I also wonder how much of it is a gender thing. I've often thought about this as I layed next to a (male) lover, unable to sleep. Hours and hours on end, laying next to a partner, wanting to sleep and unable to. And, unlike when I'm sleeping alone, it's not like I can do something, like read a book, until I fall asleep. At least with TyRoy, I could watch TV or a movie while he slept, as the television in the bedroom being on didn't bother him. When BT and I slept at home, there was no TV in the bedroom and I didn't want to turn on a light to read. A couple times I snuck off into the den to watch tv and play on the computer. He'd always cuddle me until he fell into a light sleep, at most ten minutes, then wake up enough to say goodnight again and roll over onto his stomach. (I find that most men tend to do this to some extent.) I remember when we were in St Louis, Vegas, then LA, I would pull my mp3 player out and listen to it, mouthing the words, singing softly. BT must have half-heard it in his sleep, because he asked about it one morning. I really like sharing my bed with my lovers but.... it's so difficult to just lay there until I fall asleep when every man tends to fall asleep within minutes of laying down and it takes me....hours, or so it seems.

While I had entertained the thought that it was a gender difference, after hearing so many married/coupled hetro women talk about their male partners falling asleep, snoring, etc, I had never taken it very seriously. Then I was reading one of my trashy vampire books and the narrator mentioned how all the men in her bed had, as usual, fallen asleep before she had. Granted, it was just more anecdotal evidence to add to collection, but it made me want to start asking the question outloud. Of the straight men I've asked so far, none of them can name a bed partner who regularly fell asleep before them.

So, please, chime in with your experience- If you are a woman who has shared a bed with men, have you ever had a partner that you fell asleep before? Vice versa if you are a man. I'm also curious as to the experience of men who share a bed with other men and women who share a bed with other women. Also, do you feel like you have trouble sleeping? Is it just getting to sleep or is it staying asleep as well?

Flash in the pan or a candle flame?

I always wanted "that kind of love"- wild, crazy, passionate, burns brighter than the sun. Also, I wanted to be "the girl in the song"- the girl that guys went crazy over, the one who they knew was bad for them but tht they still kept going back to. I have that and I've become that. But I'm not any happier. In fact, I'm probably more unhappy.

Is it possible to have that kind of passion in a sustained stable sane relationship? Or are the only lasting relationships more like a low, long-burning candle flame, more light than heat?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Drama Night in Hoosierville

-Argue with your husband
-Your ex calls to see how you are doing and apologize for acting like an ass the last time you saw him. He also tells you about how he got arrested on charges of driving a stolen vehicle and then assaulting an officer. But at least he got rid of the gun before they pulled him over. Allegedly. Oh, and he loves you.
-Your husband's ex's submissive, who tried to get you to kill yourself a few months ago while hiding who he (the sub) was, attempts to apologize. Sub hits on you as well.

I'm hoping to never have a night like this anytime soon.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Almost Honest- Josh Kelly

This afternoon, I caught this song on a live show on cable. I'd heard this song in the background of some TV show and I thought it was beautiful, though I didn't think too much about it.

But I guess it fits nicely with things now. I've been thinking a great deal about honesty this weekend. Some of it has had to do wih Mon Parrain. Most of it has had to do with the future of my marriage and how to translate what I feel like is my non-monogamous nature (or just my penchance for using sex to fill the void, even when that sex isn't advisable) into the safe, stable home that I want to create for my husband, who deserves a safe stable home after all he's been through. Of course, it also reminds me of not only how and why I've not always been honest with my loves, but why those around me might not have always been honest either.

Mostly, tonight, I've listened to this on an almost constant loop through youtube, singing and crying. Wow, when put that way, it seems kinda pathetic..... oh well. Enjoy.

Almost Honest- Josh Kelly
So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I've laid with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give up nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

Yeah, Oh oh oh Hmmmmm

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried

Take a picture
Write a letter to my love
I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest