Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Untitled Poem

Found in a notebook I don't write in often, not dated, kinda only half-finished but wanted to share when I found it.

I watch TV as you sleep
Henry and June
On the big television on your
Oversized chest of drawers
Know you'll fuck my brains out
If you catch me watching it
During a lusty sex scene
The light from the television
Makes your dark skin shine
Your knee pointing out from
Under the comforter
I want to kiss it, lick the crease in the underside
Wake you up to be ravaged by you again
But I don't want to wake you
I like you more than I should
I might love you butI can't be sure it's not
Just circumstances and good sex
But you are sick and twisted
Like I am
You write ideas on little scraps of paper
You came back just to make sure I wouldn't leave upset at myself
You conceal romantic gestures
Just in case they aren't accepted

And I can't stop

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Years

I don't have the greatest New Years. They aren't bad, persay. When I was young, I always spent New Year's Eves at my grandparents house, as I did every break, and, well, it wasn't really a party. That isn't my grandparent's fault. They were/are older. My grandma would be in bed long before midnight and my grandpa and I would usually stay up to watch the ball drop. The neighbors across the street seemed to have a better time, as they banged pans and shot off guns at midnight. There was also the obligatory call to my (middle) uncle since his birthday is New Year's Eve, but he was usually drunk, though thankfully usually more sad drunk than beligerent drunk.

New Year's Eves didn't get better when I got older, as I thought they would. I haven't gone to many parties and I haven't been with significant others who saw it as a big deal and made any kind of plans for it. I remember one year Sir bought tickets for a pro hockey game for my Christmas present (my request of gift, btw) and they happened to be for New Years. Though I probably shouldn't have dressed up, since we had to walk in the cold to and from the stadium, I still did. We got back to his place with enough time for me to drink a bottle of champagne (Sir doesn't drink), see Dick Clark looking not so great the first year after his stroke, watch the ball drop, and have an embarassing sex accident. Joy.

I think the best New Year's Eve was the one I had when I was 18 at the party thrown by my gay friends. They were the only good thing about living in Skanky State Capitol City. One of the young men worked for a local HIV/AIDS education center, ran their LGBTQ youth group, and worked the coatcheck at the local all-ages, gay-friendly club for donations to the center. It wasn't a huge party, but it was full of friendly accepting people (gay men, lesbians, straight chicks, coupla straight boys- all 18 and over) hanging out, joking, eating peanut butter cups out of each other's crotches, and hitting each other with my leather belt. Lol. It was alot more fun than it might sound.

But I've always thought New Years was kinda depressing. No presents. No special food. Lots of places closed. Just alcohol, which is no fun if you don't have friends. Even less fun if you don't have a significant other. And to make resolutions, one has to look back at the previous year, which is usually pretty depressing. Last New Year's Eve, I thought that things would have to get better the next year, except for BT being deployed. Turns out I was wrong. I hope this next year will be better. Hope I can make it better. So here are my New Years songs. I think the first one is pretty hopeful but they are all reflexive and depressing too. Enjoy ;)

What a Year for a New Year- Dan Wilson
no youtube-
What a year for a new year
We need it like we needed life I guess
Last one left us lying in a mess
What a year for a new year

What a night for a sunrise
And we thought the dark would never end
Reaching out to try to find a friend
What a night for a sunrise

What a day for new day
And our star shines like a miracle
And our world is almost beautiful again
What a day for a new day
New day

What a year for a new year
What a night for a sunrise
And we thought the dark would never end
Reaching out to try to find a friend
What a night for a sunrise

Soon we'll be lying in our beds
And new dreams will fill our heads
And the old ones will be ended
Hope we'll forget about this place
Let it go without a trace
Wipe the teardrops from our faces
Oh! What a year for a new year!

A Long December- Counting Crows
A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast

And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

The New Year - Death Cab for Cutie
so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back.
there'd be no distance that could hold us back (x2)
so this is the new year (x4)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds (feat. Regina Spektor)

So it's way late and I'm kinda fascinated with anything and everything, but I'm too overwhelmed to really sort through real life properly, so you are getting this. More music and lyrics. Well, mostly lyrics.

So this is the latest single by Ben Folds. I liked him from the first of the Ben Folds Five days. Not from "Brick", kiddies. No, from "Underground." That raucous piano had me. At the time, I was still taking lessons on my keyboard and I was bowled over that someone could make a piano sound like that. Then, when I got ahold of their CDs and listened to the lyrics of the non-single songs, I found something more. I really like songs that have that little dramatic irony. Songs like this one where the music sounds happy but the message is actually pretty bitter. Or that little twist, like how Spektor counters by singing that Folds doesn't know her either at the end of the song. That's also a large part of what I like about the Barenaked Ladies- songs like "Break Your Heart" which one might think on the surface is a man who doesn't want to break the heart of his significant other, but really reveals that the singer is coward who egotistically thinks that his significant other is too weak and in love with him to live without him.

I also really like Regina Spektor. I think she does amazing piano-based songwriting. And I think that her voice, which is unusual, compliments Folds' and the song as well. Just like I admire Snow Patrol for picking Martha Wainwright to sing duet on "Set Fire to the Third Bar" because her unusual voice compliments the lead singer of that bands. It's not just having a female voice. It's having one that fits the male voice and the song itself.

And as much as I know this song is broadly about people who've been together a long time feeling like their partner doesn't know them, I think it's also about the misunderstandings that happen, even when you would think that the people would know each other well enough for them not to. Folds doesn't want to tell her what he has to say because he says she only change it. He also wonders why she even wants him at all if he's all these bad things she says. Both of those experiences hit really close to home for me right now, both from experiences I had with TyRoy. The misunderstanding one... well, I think we both think it was a situation of us talking past one another. When I look at the text and email back and forth, I don't think we were even having the same conversation. As for the latter, well, that was all on me. For as much as I (perhaps rightly) felt like he wanted to change me, in a benign paternalistic way, I also greatly underestimated him, what he wanted in his life and relationships, and what he was capable of as a man and a person. But with my limited view of him, why would I have wanted to be with him? And why would anyone want to be with someone who thought so poorly of them?

I think it's really hard to know anyone at all.

You Don't Know Me- Ben Folds (feat. Regina Spektor)
I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?
Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am
(Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am
(Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f**k would you want me back?!
Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah
(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it
cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(at all)

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Aha ah
Ah ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Recent Events

Now that the meds aren't quite so oppressive and I'm realizing that I can't live any kind of actual life sitting on my parents' futon, I'm trying to get out a bit, reconnect with friends, make new friends, in addition to looking for work. I've kinda had a paralyzing social anxiety since I've been out of the hospital, which was probably good at that time, or I would have just had sex continuously with anyone after BT left. But it isn't good for the long-term. So I'm hanging out with long-term friends that I''m currently JUST friends with in the next couple weeks. I'm also chatting online with some possible new "friends" who have varying levels of desired commitments. I'm just playing it by ear.

But friends, well, relationships with people in general are... well, tough. I'm volatile, inconsistent, and generally difficult to deal with over a long period of time. MP told me last week that I really needed to understand that dealing with me, at least when I'm not doing well, can take a great deal out of a person. And I'm not good at spreading that stress around either. It usually lands squarely on the person that I'm closest to at the time, often my significant other. I'm intellectually aware of this, but that doesn't really do much good when I'm not doing well and my emotions have control. I'm trying, even if it doesn't seems like it. And I'm trying even harder now, after a week of almost constant arguing with TyRoy, and managing to get myself into a mean-ish disagreement with MP today. Ugh.

While I know that what I really need is intense therapy for... well, forever, I'm trying to just focus on being as normal as possible. The first part of that is getting a job. I apply daily for jobs. I have a preliminary group interview/testing/fingerprinting for a temporary seasonal government job in January. I am playing phone tag with two human resource recruiters. I am on the available list for several temporary employment agencies. Until then, I'm trying to make up for being a jobless bum with doing stuff for my folks around the house. Though I'm still not good at cooking anything that I don't like, which usually means a noodle dish. I made tuna noodle casserole last week. Yum. I'm hoping to get a full-time (or even part-time) job with health insurance. Then I could get the therapy. One thing at a time though.

But I'm still making use of the health insurance that I have while I have it. I got a birth control implant. It lasts for three years. I'm SO happy about it. I've been asking doctors about longer term birth control options since I started this insurance and I was mostly rebuffed. I can't do the monthly shots because they have been known to drastically increase depression. I didn't want to do the ring because I've heard it fails. I'm tired of the pills and there's too much risk of missing a day. I wanted an IUD. My primary care physician said that I should stick with the pill, since I took other pills everyday anyway. But now that I'm on these meds and about to lose my health insurance, the gynecologist was happy to give me something else, though she suggested the implant instead since IUDs can make infections (like STDs) travel faster and it would have to be taken out if I had any procedure for abnormal cervical cells. Hell, maybe she just gets a kickback on the implants. Either way, I have it now and I'm super happy to have 3 years of birth control all paid for and off my mind. Though my arm kinda hurts right now.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I made a list of the side effects of the lithium to talk to him about. I don't know what will happen with it. I don't even know what I want to happen with it. We'll see.

In the definatively bad news category, my computer blew up Sunday. It shut itself off Saturday night. I thought it might just have been hot or something so I left it alone. When I tried to turn it on Sunday afternoon, nothing happened. NOTHING. My uncle's boyfriend, who built the computer for me, suggested I check the outlet, the surge protector, and then the power cord. I got to the final one, switching the power cords for the monitor and the CPU. There was a spark in the middle of the CPU, then a bigger, longer lasting spark in the back by the power supply. It smelled like burning. Sigh. I think it's completely fried. I just hope we can salvage my memory because I was too lazy to backup my music and pictures and writing.

That doesn't help with the "new friends" department. I'm using my mom's computer right now and only have access to two pictures that I sent out recently. I was supposed to meet someone for coffee today. I'm pretty cautious when I meet new people from the internet, asking for full name and phone number when I meet someone in public, and making sure that someone has that info, where I am, and expect me to check in. Maybe I'm paranoid, but anyone could be a psycho killer and I'd like to at least give the cops some clues. Also, I have people around me (Mom, TyRoy) who insist on the info, insist on me taking some steps to protect myself. Well, the man I was supposed to meet today took offense to that. He said that he never gave that information out. He attributed it to the fact that someone had recently stolen his identity. If that is true, then I think that is aweful, but it doesn't mean I'm going to not protect myself. When I told him why I need the info, he said that I just shouldn't date but stay at home with my parents were I was safe. He also said that he dates all the time and no one has ever asked him for that information. And it might be true that they don't ask him before they meet him, but I can't imagine that women are happy to date him without knowing his last name or having a phone number that they can call him on. And I am aware that dating is never safe, meeting people is never safe, nothing is ever completely safe. But I'm not so scared that I don't go out at all, don't meet people at all, and I don't want to be. But I don't feel like it's wrong to ask for those other things. I'm not asking for your social security number, for christ's sake. And I've never had a guy not give me that info. I did have one guy give me a completely false name, though MP quickly found his real name for me. hehehe. Even married guys will give me that info. I understand that other people want to feel safe and secure too and I don't want to make anyone feel un-safe. Both people need to feel as safe as possible. But I don't know you and I don't know what possible risks there are in being around you and, as I don't know you, I'm more worried about my safety than I am yours. Oh well. Whatever.

Oh, and apparently, in addition to the friends that I've driven to anger by my actions lately and the possible dates who I've upset, BT completely hates me. It isn't like I haven't done wrong. It isn't like he didn't have every right to leave me. But I guess I always hoped we'd be friends. I at least hoped we'd be civil if I wasn't picking fights. And I've really tried not to make the situation worse. I haven't texted unless I needed something. I told him before I took cash. I mailed the mail of his that came to my house to him. I told his mom to give the woman he's with now a chance because she makes him really happy. I even did all the paperwork and paid for the divorce that he wanted, that he now says he wants so he can marry this other woman. But none of that matters because of what I've done. Oh, and because I"m fat. He's found someone smaller and better who he really loves (guess he never really loved me?) and he hopes that I can develop some self-respect. (His words, not my extrapolation.) Sigh. I do hope he's happy and that it all works out for everyone involved.

I guess what it all really makes me wonder is how long and how much people should have to suffer for the bad things they do? I know that this is just me paying for the wrong I did him. I'm not paying for a larger wrong that I did to many people, for a wrong that is illegal. And maybe for him, it is right that I should be looked down upon and hated and belittled by him for the rest of our lives, even if I lived a perfect life from here on out, even if I did anything and everything I could think of or he could tell me to do as penance. It's not like I'm talking about getting back with him, him loving me, maybe not even talking about being friends. But just not being insulting for no good reason. (And do you really think it's a good idea to insult someone who is already suicidal, self-harming, and has zero self-esteem? Don't you think she already feels like shit?) "You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind/I dont know why you gotta be angry all the time."

Makes me wonder about people who have done much worse things. How do you do the penance? How do you live with yourself and what you've done and still have the strength to work to make it better? I think about my uncle, the middle child between my mom and my youngest uncle. Since his teens, he's struggled with addiction and done so much damage. There was a time when my grandparents told him they wouldn't help him come back to the area where they lived. Not sure when the last time was that he asked. He's traveled the country, living in all kinda of places, struggled with substance abuse. I was too young to know what was going on when he lived near us. But last Christmas my grandmother paid for him to visit, since her sixth sense told her that it would be my grandfather's last Christmas. Gram said he was sober now. I was there for the first part of the visit, before I left to visit BT's family with him. In a couple days, when Grandpa was admitted to the hospital, that uncle got drunk. He got beligerent with my other uncle, who has completely written him off after having to grow up in the shadow of his brother's delinquency. My diplomatic mother was the only one who could deal with him. When he was still drunk and unruly the next morning, my grandmother drove him to the bus station and sent him back home early. If that hadn't been the case, he might have been there when his father passed a few days later. When I called to break the news, he made it all about him. I'm still upset. I'm upset that my grandmother actively pursues contact with him after all that. I wonder if I could rise above all that if he was ever to really try to change his life, if he tried to act unselfishly towards me and/or our family. But I haven't had to deal with his bs as much. My other uncle has and I honestly don't think that he could ever forgive his brother. Maybe the better comparison for me would be if my bio father changed and wanted to be a part of my life. But it's difficult for me to compare myself to them. Is the damage I did to BT in just a little over a year compare?

Sigh. I just don't know. All I can do is try to be the best person I can be to everyone, regardless of if they recognize it or care. I'm not claiming to be a saint. I imagine they are good people because they are good people by nature. I try to be a good person so I have less to feel bad about. I'm not a martyr. I still do selfish things and I don't see these things as sacrifice. If I did, I might not do it. I just don't want people to hate me.

On that note, I'm going to bed.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

More Drug Ranting

I am now appreciating more and more how and why the psychiatrists like to have you in the hospital while adjusting your meds and why the hospital staff like to have a care plan for you once you get out, where you get some sort of full-time treatment, help and monitoring. Kinda like how Dr Drew was harping on Sober Living Facilities on Celebrity Rehab. I'm SO frustrated by my medication right now and my (probably very overworked) psychiatrist has had to reschedule my last two appointments so I haven't gotten to talk to him about it. When I was in the hospital, I had wanted to go into a night treatment program close to my house but my insurance wouldn't cover it at all. So we opted for me going to my therapist a bunch. But I didn't make appointments and got dumped by my therapist. (My fault that I didn't go, though he didn't say that it was because of that, but that he was cutting back, so maybe not.)

But at least I can get in to see my psychiatrist within a month (unless he cancels), which is better than when I didn't have any health insurance and went to the county mental health facilities. To see a prescribing doctor or nurse practitioner there, one had to wait three months. How can one manage med changes that way? Plus, if one is going there, they most likely don't have health insurance, or not one with mental health coverage, are probably lower-income and less education, which all makes it more likely that they have no other treatment choices in situations were no treatment could lead to unemployment and homelessness. Maybe that sounds extreme but I'm realizing more and more that my parents are the only ones who stand between me and the street. Seriously.

Another things that I had never really thought about until recently was non-compliance with a psychiatric medicine regime. When I was just on anti-depressants, the only thing in my mind that would have lead to active non-compliance would have been my inability to purchase the meds because I didn't have the money. But there were no bad side effects and I knew, especially after my doctor and I tried to switch me to a different anti-depressant, that I would be constantly and consistantly suicidial if I was not on the anti-depressant I was on. So very little cons and a huge pro for compliance. But the lithium is different. There are a great many side effects. And, while I do honestly believe that when I first got on the lithium, especially right after BT ended things and I was really bad, it helped to dull everything enough and take away enough of my energy and passion to stop me from hurting myself, I don't think that it is doing what it is supposed to be doing at this point. I'm still having WILD mood swings (just ask TyRoy) and the desire to self-harm is not dampened. So if there is a great deal of con but seemingly little pro, do I want to stay on it?

When I brought this up to MP today, he suggested that this was just a common delusion that people who are mentally ill and on psychiatric drugs have. I'm well aware of this. I know that, especially for those who are very ill, medicine compliance is a HUGE issue. I'm not saying I'm better and I don't need drugs. I am saying that why I haven't self-harmed is because of myself, mostly because of my own fears about the consequences of it not self-control, BUT that I don't think it is because of the lithium. And, with all the shitty side effects, I don't know if the shit is worth what I get, especially when I don't think I'm getting anything good. Then again, I'm not really contemplating medicine non-compliance. I won't just stop taking something or attempt to step myself off of it. What I am talking about is talking to my doctor to either get off mood stabilizers completely or to switch to something else. *Sigh* I have no idea what to do.

Oh, and to add to yesterdays laundry list of shitty side effects, my hair got dry and started falling out, my skin is dry, and I've developed back and neck acne. Lovely. Sure I"m going to find another mate now.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Reckoning - Ani DiFranco

This is one of my favorite songs right now. The second disk of "So Much Shouting" is full of breakup songs so I've been listening to it alot on my drives. Catharsis, you know? This song is bittersweet though kinda hopeful. The first two verses could be sung to me but it's the third verse that's been in my head the last couple of days. Hell, I was gonna write that the third verse was one that made me think of someone else, which it does, but I think it could be sung to me as well. I guess I'm done running my marathon and just hoping that I'm still the song someone sings when they're alone.

Reckoning - Ani DiFranco
you can doubt anything
if you think about it long enough.
cause what happened always adjusts
to fit what happened after that.

and it's hard to feel like you are free.
when all you seem to do is referee.
i remember when it was just you and me
steppin' up to bat.

and win or lose, just that we chose,
this little war is what kills us.
and either or it's that this war is,
maybe also what thrills us.

we thought we left possession behind.
the truth is iwas yours and you weren't mine.
i've replayed a thousand times exactly what was said.

cause nothing is as it appears.
in the fun house mirrors of your fears
on a roller coaster of all these years
with your hands above your head.

and win or lose, just that we chose,
this little war is what kills us.
and either or it's that this waris,
maybe also what thrills us.

and you know i don't care how fast you run
just tell me baby when you're done with your little marathon
that you still have cab fare home.
cause the finish line is a shifty thing
and what is life but reckoning?
and baby you are still the song i sing to myself when i'm alone.

and win or lose just that you chose
this little war is what kills you.
and either or it's that this war is,
maybe also what thrills you.

Drugs Are Bad, Mmmkay?

I now consider myself to have been very lucky with the SSRI anti-depressants that had been the major psychiatric drugs that I had been on until this last hospitalization, though of course I didn't fully appreciate that until the addition of the Lithium.

When first confronted by Sir and his parents (especially his mother who was a nurse) that my suicidal ideation and self-harming were symptoms of a larger major depressive disorder that could be treated with drugs, as opposed to just "how I was", I was very reluctant. All I knew of psychiatric drugs were the horrible side effects that I'd seen dramatized in tv shows and movies. I didn't want to be drugged out, bogged down, or out of it. I didn't want to change my essential personality, whatever the hell that was/is. But I went on them anyway. I was surprised that the first side effects were not mental but physical - sleepiness, dizziness, nausea. That went away pretty quickly but there wouldn't be a noticable mental effect for a full six weeks. Then it was like everything got clearer, not muddled as I had feared.

Future experimentation with anti-depressants would be hit and miss. I went on Paxil for a while because my insurance at the time covered it completely, but started paying less toward the Celexa I had been on at the time. I was suicidal as soon as the Celexa got out of my system. Then, last year, when my Celexa pooped out after 7 years, the Effexor I was put on first made me homicidal at the first upping of the dose then suicidal after the second. And I couldn't put together a train of thought. Yeah. That shit had to go. Though there was the REALLY fun side effect of being slightly euphoric and overly happy when I was stepping off the Effexor and onto the Lexapro, but that couldn't last.

But if I had thought that the Effexor was bad, well, I had another thing coming. Lithium is a whole different animal. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me grounded in this is taking a step out of myself to observe the side effects, keep a mental log in my mind for whenever my doctor decides to keep our next appointment. Some of the initial side effects have worn off, and some I've gotten used to. The week before Thanksgiving, I started noticing that the gap between me and the world was mostly gone. A friend who had been on a similar drug told me that she felt like she was stoned all the time. As pot doesn't get me high (I'm a freak), I don't know if that is how I felt or not. But it did kinda feel like non-funny, just lazy tv/movie stoners act. I felt kinda like a really slothful automaton who sometimes lost track of time. But, like I said, that's mostly gone. When it does come, it only comes for a brief spell. My appetite is still gone most of the time, though I've gotten better at eating enough food often enough that I don't get sick. The only thing that I crave physically is salty things, though my love of food has come back enough that I now eat with my mind whenever I make myself eat, which I'm sure will catch up to my weight soon enough. I'm not sure I care at this point. I've also gotten better at drinking enough water to avoid dehydration. The tremor is still there though. I'm learning how to force myself to work with it and not care about what other people may think. My grandpa had and my uncle and my mom have this same tremor, to varying degrees and they still work just fine and no one thinks less of them for it. I could only hope that people view me as they view those three.

But there are somethings that I'm not sure whether they are side effects of the drug or just me or the combination of me and the drug. This mostly regards my moods in the past week or so. Now, unless I'm mad at a specific person/group of people for a specific thing, I'm not really inclined to violence and I generally don't want to just go around beating people up, except when I go to Walmart or Target during the holiday season. And I'm not prone to unexplainable crying jags that aren't precipitated by a sad song or movie. But over the weekend, I cycled between wanting to beat the crap out of someone, anyone, for no reason, one day to crying non-stop for a full day for no reason. And today, after only 4 hours of sleep, I am a walking zombie, mentally out of it and tired but unable to go back to sleep, feeling like I'm vibrating out of my shell. I thought this stupid drug was supposed to HELP with both sides of bipolar, to stabilize one's moods, and, though I'm not diagnosed bipolar in any official way, I would hope that it would do the same for me. Which begs the question- are these moods just side effects of the drug that anyone could experience? Are they just me? Or are they from the combination of both?

And, probably most importantly, what should I want in regards to this medicine when I finally get to talk to the doctor? I think I've been on it long enough to know the side effects, though the only real way to tell if I can handle them is to see if I can work and live a real life on them as I'm not sure disability is really an option. It's definately not optimal. And I'm not sure if it is doing enough good to make up for the bad it does. *Sigh* Weigh in if you have an opinion. Thanks.

Saturday, November 29, 2008


This is all that is left of my previously long hair.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Rock Paper Scissors - Ani DiFranco

What seems like a lifetime ago, I did a bunch of things to drive BT away, I think because I thought it would be easier to deal with my guilt over the things I'd done wrong if he hated me or was at least mad at me. At the time, he said that nothing I could do or say would make him hate me and nothing would make him give up. Well, the second part obviously wasn't true, but I can't blame him for that. When he left, I said the same thing back to him, that I'd do anything to be with him again, that I'd wait forever, that I'd take him back under any circumstances, all the things you say in those desperate moments when someone you love leaves you. It's not to say that I didn't mean it then. But there's only so much a person can take and eventually one has to move on. This song really hits at the heart of how I feel on giving up right now. Yes, I know, I love Ani DiFranco. We can talk more about that later.

Rock Paper Scissors - Ani DiFranco
it's rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all.
it's hand against hand
and both hands are mine.
it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy.
a happy meal with a surprise inside.
surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes,
exposing all the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide.

this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up
and tame the stallions of my wildest expectations.

but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain.
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,

like a bird into the sky of my brain?

i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene.
yeah desire drags me right out of myself
like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal.
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames ripple on the sand and swallow me whole.

but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations.

but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way l
ike a bird into the sky of my brain.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm Not Over - Carolina Liar

I'd heard this song before on the local alternative station, but it never struck me before like it does now. I empathize with the ambivalence of the situation, the contrary but simultaneous feelings of wanting to be out but also not, over feeling like you are better on your own but also not, etc. Anyway.... Enjoy.

I'm Not Over - Carolina Liar
What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind
But I never missed a beat
Can't explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over

Never took the chance, could've jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Couldn't cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Was it all a joke, never had control
I'm not better on my own

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over

What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Can't explain this thing, or what I mean
I'm trying to let go

I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
I'm not over

Video on youtube:

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Fortune Cookie

Went to the Chinese buffet with my parents today. Might not be a big deal to most people, but it's kinda a feat for me these days. Anyway, I thought the fortune in my fortune cookie seemed kinda apropo.

Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.

Post I Don't Want to Write

So I've been MIA lately. And I've written this post a thousand times in my head over the past couple of weeks, trying to find what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. If I wrote the latest version of everything in my head, you'd be reading it forever. So I decided that I'd try to be as short and blunt about it as I can be and then I'll revisit topics as I want and as I see fit. But mapping this new landscape is like creating a topography of sand dunes- it feels impossible because everything is always shifting. But I feel I can't write about anything specific without laying it all out, so here goes:

When we last left our heroine, she was trying to get it together to work this job that she hated but she was back with her husband, the newly returned soldier, so she thought she could do it.

So, I went to hang out with BT before I was supposed to go back to the job I detested. While it mostly went well, I was really anxious about going to the job. Finally, he and I talked it over and he was going to let me get off without going back to that job if I started looking for another job starting that night online while he did stuff around his place. But he wasn't feeling well and he wanted me to leave. I wasn't happy about that. I spiralled out of control, allowing my anger and the depression to take over. With pills and alcohol, I tried to kill myself. BT ended up calling the police because he was worried that I was too far gone. The cops took me to a local emergency room and then I got admitted to the hospital I was in last year. I was there for the better part of a week, during which my parents and BT visited me when they could. TyRoy was worried about me and I kept him updated on my condition over his voicemail. The couple of times we actually talked while I was in the hospital, we fought, in all honesty because I was being difficult about making the most of the treatment there. And I asked him not to visit because I knew that it would only cause more trouble with BT. My doc put me on a new medication- LITHIUM. It's typically used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar disorder, which isn't really my diagnosis, though obviously my moods do need some normalization. But it sucks, sucks, sucks. More about the lithium as we go.

Almost as soon as I got out of the hospital, BT and I started a rollercoaster of arguing and making up then arguing some more. I won't try to act like I don't bear some/alot of the blame for that. Because of both times that BT had lied in the last year and the secrets/lies that I was keeping at the time, I have a difficult time trusting any men, especially BT. So when he left me because a (female) friend had called about a (male) friend of theirs who was in a bad way and needed BT's help, I was distraught and thought he was cheating with the (female) friend. He kept wanting time away from me, which he said was a result of not being comfortable around anyone since coming back from his deployment. It was horrible timing for me. Not only had he said the whole time that he was gone that he'd want to be with me 24/7 when he got back, but I really didn't want to be alone after the hospitalization, while I was still getting adjusted to the new drugs. As those first couple of days out of the hospital went by, I started experiencing more and more severe side effects connected to the new drugs. I felt physically weak and ill most of the time. And I wasn't feeling any better mentally, especially not after we'd fight. I still just wanted to die.

Things came to a head when I came out with the secrets I'd been keeping and the few lies that I had told and told again. As I was already feeling worthless, revealing these things made me feel not only the betrayal of my husband but also like a worthless slut whore. As these things are already sore spots for me and my depression, it all made me feel even worse. And BT just wanted me not to be around. During this conversation, I gave him my rings and told him that he deserved better than to be married to a whore. For quite a while, he wouldn't let me leave until I'd taken the rings back and promised that I wouldn't hurt myself. I would do neither. I left the house but came back. At that point, I took my rings back. After more squabbling, he made me promise that I'd be around to "do the paperwork" for a divorce. At the time, I thought this was more about the "being around" than doing the paperwork.

I let him know when I got home that night but then I didn't hear from him for two days. When I finally did, I found out that he was serious. He said he was done, couldn't forgive the lies I'd told, couldn't deal with the fighting, and just wanted a divorce. I went to his place to change his mind but he texted that he'd already left there. I decided I would just jump off a local bridge. I was tired of things that didn't work. But then, as I was mustering up my courage, sitting in my car in a parking lot, a group of young men and a couple women, all dressed in camo uniforms (BDUs?) started pulling up. While it would be the first time that I cussed up a storm about something military, it is definately not the last. I feel like I can't get away from military shit lately, which only reminds me of BT, though I'm trying to change that.....We'll see how it goes. Though I have no idea what branch these people were with or what the frak they were doing there, I figured they would probably not let a distraught woman jump to her certain death, so I drove home. And started the long slow.... well, less march, more....sit to get through the darkest part.

TyRoy has been a good friend through all of this. I met him because he was going through a divorce and needed a friend. He understands what it's like to have to give up a relationship that you don't want to leave. And, while he warned me about his lustful nature when I'd ask to come over, he never actually tried anything, at least not until I put out that I wanted something. He just let me be someplace that wasn't home, with all the reminders of BT, and held me and talked to me. BT let me know a week after the initial breakup that he'd moved on with his (female) friend. Even though alot of people in my inner circle have suggested that I make this breakup and divorce as difficult and painful as possible for BT, I figure they don't have to sleep in my body with my brain running every night. I've already done enough in my life that I regret, things that just add to my "I'm a horrible person who deserves pain and death" mantra. I don't want to add hurting someone that I love very much. His life has been hard and so has mine. I did horrible things to him and he did them to me. But I have to be responsible for my actions and I don't want to do anymore to cause pain and suffering. And, to tell the truth, I still want to be with him. I'm trying to leave him be and I do hope that he is happy and I'm doing my best not to do anything that will even look like it's attempting to sabatoge his new relationship. Including trying to tell his mom that I'm the reason we broke up and that she should accept this new girlfriend.

As for me and my life, well, I'm working on it. I didn't move from the couch in my den for a week after I got the news. Then I made the trip to see my Gram with my Mom and got to spend a little time with my ex, who I think is in jail now. But it gave me other people to worry about, which is something. I started doing a bit more. Spent time with TyRoy and got laid. Alot. The side effects started easing up. The drugs intensified the tremor that runs in my family and, though that hasn't eased up, I am pushing myself to do things and deal with it. I still have a low appetite but I'm just trying to eat when my family eats. While I crave soda, I know that my body needs more water while I'm on the meds, so I try to alternate a can of soda with a 32 oz glass of water. And, thankfully, the "fog" is mostly gone. I still get spells, but I'm not completely out of it all the time. So I decided to start looking for work. Until I find a job, I'm going to try to keep somewhat of a daytime schedule and do stuff around the house to help my folks. And, once I start working, I'm going to save as much as possible, so that I never have to feel like I can't just go whenever I want.

Ok, so that wasn't as short as I was hoping but there you have what's happened lately. I'm sure I'll write more about what I think these things mean and what I've learned, or at least am trying to learn.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

UPDATE 1: I Have a JOB...for now

I was supposed to go to my second day of work Friday night at 11pm. I had written the previous post at 9am, thinking that, if I just got some rest, took some happy pills, I'd be better and I'd just go to work, no biggie. I slept all day, until I had to get up at 9pm to get ready to go to work. I spent half of my time in the shower laying at the bottom of the tub, crying. Obviously, I wasn't feeling any better. But I even got dressed. I sat with my bag next to me, coat across my lap, in the dark in the comfy chair in the computer room. Then, right before 10, just before the one hour prior call in time and just before going back to bed in a depression induced stupor, I called in to the job. I just told them I was calling in for the night. My arm hurt. (Which it kinda did after using the arm I hurt falling off the truck to throw packages the night before.) Then I called in to the temp place, which was of course closed, and left them a message too, just like I was supposed to. Only I think this one was slightly more rambling. When BT asked me tonight what exactly I said, I told him that I think it was something about how the job was killing my soul and I wasn't going back. (At which point he smacked his own head and hung his head there in his hands.) BT suggests I call back tomorrow (or actually today- Sunday), leave another message on their voice mail, saying I was out of my mind, I want to work the job and I will be there as scheduled on Monday if they will still have me, please, please, please. I think 1) I'm going to ask my mom about it, 2) I'm going to ask TyRoy about it, 3) I'm going to ask MP about it (though his answer Friday morning was that it gets much easier once your soul dies), and 4) if I continue with this job, I think I'll have to take 2 of my 3 daily happy pills at my last break, to get me through the rest of the day.

Another big problem I have is with the "one hour mandatory overtime." I was told by my temp agency that I was to work 11pm-730am (which means 8 hours and no paid lunch time though you still have to take it). Fine, no biggie. But at 6am, my leader asks me if my agency had told me about the one hour mandatory overtime. No, my agency had not. My agency had warned m that I might have to stay later if there was more work and that I might get sent home before 8 hours was up if they just didn't have enough work for us. As far as I could see, all our work was getting done, so I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing extra for that hour. As everyone had different hours, it was hard for me to see if we were really getting all our work done or if we were behind. But no one told me. That day, I went home at 7:30am, mostly because I think I'd have started crying right there at my desk for no real reason if I'd stayed later. And they'd sent another girl home instead of giving her anymore overtime. Maybe she had been there longer and made more per hour. Either way, it sucked and I made sure I told my temp place that, during business hours, but I had told her that I thought I could hang with it for a while. Then I didn't go in.

But, as I was relating this to BT, who had more sympathy for me than most people in in shoes would, considering he just got back from a 24/7 job that he had for....a year pretty much, 8 months of it in country and that he has always worked shit jobs with long hours and low pay and seems to rarely have had a car so he was always walking too, I started thinking more about how most people live like this. On Friday morning, driving home, I was thinking about my mom and my grandma and my grandpa and my uncle, who have always worked kinda crappy jobs, in one way or another, but never seemed to come home angry. As I was talking to BT, I realized that I can sympathize with guys and girls who come home and are rude and cranky to their kids and spouses because their job sucks and it just took everything they had out of them, but the come home and their kids and spouses want more, which they just don't have to give.

When I got to the thought that maybe that is why my step-dad is so crabby all the time, I realized that I'm just like that. When I work a regular 9-5 kinda job (I include 3rd shift jobs where I work 8 hours in that), I'm just like that. I'm a total raving bitch! I know I"ve told the story in this blog about working the data entry job in the cave, which I hated. I'm not sure if I related how my family wanted me to contribute more, especially by coooking dinner (=what they were used to eating and wanted to eat for dinner) since I was the first one home. That was not an unreasonable demand whatsoever. But the times that my step-dad tried to teach me how to cook specific dishes were disasters, the second one ending in me telling him to cook his own damn dinner and then I went crying into the bathroom, where I stayed for several hours. I now realize that those incidents were just as much about him being a horrible teacher and "why can't I cook what I want to cook" as they were about me coming home from work a raving bitch. I am not a good, sweet, nice person when I come home. I'm not saying that my mom has sunshine coming out of her ass when she comes home from work everday, but she really is a generally cheery person when she comes home. My step-dad is not, ever. And I am really not a cheery person when I come home from a 9-5 job.

What the fuck am I going to do???? Please leave suggestions.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I Have a JOB...for now

[Back dated to when I wrote it in my journal, by hand, old-school, because our internets were down. Now I can only hope that I can read my own damn handwriting.]

I have a job.

Don't get too excited now. The longest I've ever kept a job was a year and I loved it. But I even screwed it up in the end, so there was no way I could go back. I've worked good jobs that I've liked more for less time, or barely past the first real day because of my own self-defeating, self-destructive nature.

But things being what they are (or aren't or are, who knows from day to day) with BT, and with me realizing the extent of some of the bills I'm dealing with and finding that a Sugar Daddy, especially when you aren't in the best shape of your life, is harder than one might think, I had decided that I'd better start the job search hardcore next week, after visiting my uncle early in the week and spending a weekend at Gram's.

But a job found me! Last Friday, a temp agency I had signed up with over the summer called, asked if I'd be interested in a 3rd shift data entry position. I'd just have to come in Monday to file out the same paperwork I'd filed out at the other, original, office that I'd signed up with (you'd think that they'd have a database for this kinda shit but I guess now), take a drug test, and fill out the paperwork for the background check. I was excited just by the prospect. What luck! A job found me! And it's 3rd shift so it's not like I'd have to worry about getting up in time or about the worst, most depressing hours of the day/night, when I'm all alone, there's nothing on TV, and so I'm reading, wishing I could sleep like the rest of the world.

I actually hadn't gotten much farther than that in my thinking. I'd had seemingly good job prospects from temp places dangled in frong of me, only to have them find a better candidate or some such. But the background check came back in precisely three days, which was yesterday (I was told it could take between 3-7 days because I'd lived in another state recently), and the temp place wanted me to start THAT NIGHT. Something about how quickly this all went down really should have set off some red flags, but it didn't.

In the shower, all I could hear in my head was the Bright Eyes lyric from "First Day of My Life"-"But I’d rather be working for a paycheck/Than waiting to win the lottery." (I know the song isn't about work necessarily but it fit in my head.) I was really happy to be doing something positive after all the negative I've been doing, or at least things that people around me perceive as negative.

Most of work was ok, but, and maybe this is just PMS or being tired and cranky, but I got to a point several times where I just wanted to cry, for no particular reason.

Ok, that's not entirely true. See, my job is entering in addresses on packages and printing the extra shipping labels. Some places just sound like regular places but other places sound... wonderful- Sugar Maple Lane or Humble Road. And I think of this job, of this paycheck to paycheck life and I know I'll never see these places. Or places like what I imagine those places to be. My greatest adventure happened just a little over a year ago- Reckless and foolish and unplanned and followed by lots of unforseen not-positive consequences- the kinda thing I should never do again, probably never will do again, both because of better decision-making skills (yeah right) and a lack of that kind of disposable cash and not caring about the money.

I know I must sound like a broken record here, with the number of posts I have about jobs and how much working sucks and how I always feel like it is killing my soul, but how do people do it? It's mind-numbing and soul-crushing. Some people still manage great insight and widsom and kindness and love despite living this and/or worse everyday. But I've never felt like I could. Still don't feel like I can.

"I want something/That's purer than the water/Like we were/It's not there now/Ineloquence and anger/Are all we have"- "It's Beginning to Get to Me" Snow Patrol

Friday, October 10, 2008

Year Ago Today (or yesterday by now)

I got married a year ago today. In Vegas. It was the happiest day of my life. I was full of plans and dreams and hopes for the future. I knew that my husband would soon been gone, for training and then for deployment. I knew that I would miss him terribly. I knew that it would be an immense burden on the both of us, to spend our first year as a married couple apart, with him dealing with the day in and day out realities of living and fighting in a war zone and with me having do to deal with the day in and day out realities of not really having my partner to lean on when things got too much. And, while I'd never discourage any military personnel for doing their job and I know that it is a job that I could not do, I've never been one of those "ra-ra" military types. I don't seek out men and women in uniform to have relationships with and, in many ways, I'd much prefer to just stick with civilians.

Over this past year, I really have tried. I've tried to get my own demons under control enough that I could be productive enough for the both of us, to keep his life running in the states while he was gone. I tried to keep the plans that we had made going. I tried to keep my own life going on the paths that I wanted it to go on. I tried to be a good person, a good wife. But it never seemsed to be enough. Enough to change the situations that he created on his own end. Enough to stop me from my own retaliations. Enough to keep me sane.

This week has been the perfect storm of bullshit. I had so much stuff that I wanted to accomplish. I thought that my stellar performance of moving BT's stuff to the place that he was going to stay once he returned at the end of the week would be the beginning of a good week. Of course, I hurt myself in the process so some of the more physically taxing projects that I wanted to get done have been slow going. While I did make it to the appointments that I made for myself Wednesday, just as things were starting to look up, I found out that my uncle's white cell count is down again. My mom had to leave almost immediately to drive the three hours to help take care of him. If he was less stubborn, one of us might already be out there helping him all the time, but he wants to do as much of this on his own as he can. While no one is talking about putting him in the hospital yet, we all know that it is a possibility, which will put off his next round chemo even longer.

Then last night, I stayed with TyRoy, feeling much too fragile to stay at my folks house with only my step-dad, who wouldn't notice if I had a techno-disco party in the house, much less if I left. Somehow, it only deteriorated into fighting. I was/am worried about getting the paperwork for the divorce from BT through, especially as everytime I talk to him he tells me about another new assignment he might be getting which will take him away from the metro area. My original plan had been to do the paperwork myself, take it to the country clerk, take his copies to him, take him to the bank where he could get his notarized and we could also take my name off his bank account and then we'd submit the papers to the court. Since only one of us has to be at the court for the hearing, if everything is signed and nothing is contested, it should be a walk in the part after that. But I suppose I was hoping for a bit more time after he got home in which to take care of the papers, like a week or two. In dealing with my uncles's health at the moment, just having moved BT's stuff out, our anniversary, and BT's return home, I just am not emotionally up to the task of doing this right now. But I felt all this pressure to do it RIGHT FUCKING NOW, as early as going and doing it Saturday morning when the bank was open. It was just too much.

Today, I had appointments all set up. I even got up, dressed, hair done, the whole nine. But I made the mistake of sitting down and watching TV in the 30 minutes that I had before I had to leave for my first appointment. I ended up sleeping through both of them. With my day feeling like a waste and the spector of my anniversary hanging over my head, I just took some pills, not enough to hurt, but just enough to wipe me out. Everytime I woke up, I took more and went back to bed. TyRoy found me curled up in the comforter, completely out of it, when he got home from work. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what the "appropriate action" is. And I don't know what the fuck I"m going to do once I finally get all the stuff with BT and I sorted out and over with. I had all these dreams and hopes. But they all involved him. Hell, all my dreams and hopes always seem to involve some man and my relationship to him. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to find out what I want for myself, from myself.

I miss that day a year ago when I was the happiest woman in the world.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Song BT Referenced Yesterday....

I thought I would share, for the non-country music listening readers out there, the song that BT referenced yesterday in our IM chat. It's been on heavy rotation here on country radio and I knew that as soon as he heard it, he would say that this perfectly described the situation between TyRoy, him, and I- that TyRoy had plans to "make me his" and then taken advantage of a moment of weakness in BT and I's relationship.

Do You Believe Me Now?- Jimmy Wayne
Do you remember
the day I turned to you and said
I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you?
How he made you laugh
you just couldn't get what I was sayin'
it was my imagination

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

I'm kickin' myself
for bein' the one foolish enough givin' him the chance to step in my shoes
ohhh He was bidin' his time
when he saw our love was havin' a moment of weakness
he was there between us

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

oh yeah, I bet now you see the light
oh yeah, what's the use in bein' right...
when I'm the lonely one tonight?

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now
yeah so do you believe me now yeah

Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

No one ever has clean hands. There were plenty of times when TyRoy admitted to me that he was hoping to not give advice that was purely self-serving. There were many times that he gave advice that worked against his own interests, that was purely to help BT and I, though of course BT saw/sees this as just more of the larger plot. But, with the TyRoy situation, the proof is in the pudding and he and I are not "together" as a couple, nor do we have plans to be. Neither of us will say never but this is how things are right now.

But the proof is in the pudding with BT as well. He can make excuses and he can say that he did things out of anger or retaliation or whatever he wants. But he still did enough on his own to end the relationship, without anyone else's help. So while he and Jimmy Wayne throw their own pity party, the only song I could think of was this.....

Alibis- Tracy Lawrence
she knows every move that a man could make
she knows every trick in the book
she knows how to give
she knows how to take
cuz so many times shes been taken a fool
by those

alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines
lord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make one on you

she once thought that love wasnt just a game
her feelings once came from the heart
one day i gave her a wedding ring
in one night i tore all those feelings apart
with my

alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines l
ord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make
her own

alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines
lord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make one on you

Also see the song There is No Arizona, in reference to promises made that never came true, though I am happy to report that, for various reasons, MP has made a reappearance in my life.

Sorry for all the sad country songs.

And, yes, someday I'll take the time to learn how to do the linking correctly, but right now I'm lazy. Deal.

Done With His Move

Today I moved BT's stuff out of my folks' house. While I did have quite a bit of help, I still feel like I did a great deal of it myself. While the money was his, and rightly so as it is his stuff, I made the reservations and rented the truck in my name and on my debit card. I do have to give major props to TyRoy for getting up hella early on a Saturday, skipping his pancakes, and helping me pack up the truck. Also, big props go to BT's friends and landladies who practically unloaded the truck themselves while also being very very nice to me, despite all that is going on.

BUT I'm super proud of myself for all the driving and parking of the big scary truck. While I know that I probably scared some fellow drivers out there today, I did park the truck myself, including backing it up to my house completely unassisted.

I even took pics from either side so show that I was "in the lines" of our driveway. (Only half of the full concrete drive you see is "ours" while the other half belongs to the other side of the duplex.)

Of course, the day was not without its problems. I did alot of crying. I also fell off the back of the truck and did a face plant in front of BT's friends. Now my right shoulder and ass cheek are pretty sore. But, for the most part, I did this myself, or at least with my own inititive and planning. I think I deserve a big hug and lots of kisses and, if I could give them to myself, I would. When we have to be strong, we can be.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Horrible Chat with the World's Worst Army Wife

Yes, I'm airing my dirty laundry. Yes, I am 14. I don't care. I needed to get out the conversation but I didn't want it biased by me saying "he said this", when I said just as bad of shit.

[Chat started on the instant messenger of my cell phone. Because of the lag, the answers don't always go with the questions]

BT: hey, sorry I have not contacted you for awhile. everytime I have gotten online, the connections has sucked, and i haven't been able to IM you

BT: I am still in Iraq [redacted because you don't need to know anymore]

BT: I plan on contacting mom when I get there

BT: As for the Uhaul and everything, that is fine. and thank you very much for moving all of my stuff for me

Ava: I thought when you said 4 days that meant 4 days until you were back in the States.

BT: It was supposed to be, but our flight kept getting pushed back

Ava: I really don't want to hear your thank you about moving your stuff. I just want it gone.

BT: Well, you sould like your in a great fucking mood

Ava: I'll call your mom and let her know. But she's talking about moving her surgery. Can you call her from where you are?

BT: No, I'm on lock down

Ava: I've spent the last week w/no word from you, and your mom calling me, crying, twice a day

[Switch to computer]

BT (10/3/2008 12:58:59 PM): I'm sorry, she should remember from when I went to Kosovo, how it is with the lack of ability to comunicate, I am sorry that she is being like that, I will call her as soon as I get to the states

Ava (10/3/2008 12:59:49 PM): I don't think you understand how much that whole gallbladder/kidney stone thing hurts and she's going to put off surgery only for you to tell her that you don't want her there.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:00:09 PM): Have you made arrangements with Pam and Angela to pick you up next Friday?

BT (10/3/2008 1:00:48 PM): there is nothing that I can do, I can not make a phone show up out of nowhere

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:02 PM): yes, I have made plans for someone to pick me up

Ava (10/3/2008 1:01:04 PM): Then why didn't you do it before?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:01:17 PM): Someone?

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:42 PM): cuz I didn't have 3 and 1/2 hours to wait on a phone

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:57 PM): yeah, one of my best friends [redacted] is coming and gettting me

BT (10/3/2008 1:02:15 PM): no, nothing is going to happen, she is a lesbian and has a girlfriend

Ava (10/3/2008 1:02:31 PM): None of my business anyway

BT (10/3/2008 1:02:48 PM): just letting you know

Ava (10/3/2008 1:02:55 PM): Will you sign papers if I arrange to come out to the house in Lawrence or to meet you someplace after you get back?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:03:25 PM): Oh, and thanks for the warning that there were going to be 8 footlockers coming.

BT (10/3/2008 1:03:27 PM): as much as I don't want to, yes, I will

BT (10/3/2008 1:03:40 PM): sorry

Ava (10/3/2008 1:03:48 PM): If you didn't want to, you shouldn't have done what you did with the money and with Army Woman and with M

BT (10/3/2008 1:04:25 PM): me and M are just friends now, there has not been any kind of sexual talk between me and her

Ava (10/3/2008 1:05:05 PM): Except that you told me you wouldn't talk to her and you broke her heart to beginw with with the whole engagement thing. But whatever.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:05:17 PM): So, you and Army Woman back together? It sure looks like it from the pics.

BT (10/3/2008 1:05:28 PM): no, we are not

Ava (10/3/2008 1:06:08 PM): You do know that you are going to come back to a negative bank balance, right?

BT (10/3/2008 1:06:33 PM): how negative?

[redacted-no one needs to know those details]

BT (10/3/2008 1:08:01 PM): well, they are calling my flight, I have to get going

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:10 PM): fine.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:22 PM): bye. be safe. you want me to tell your mom for you?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:30 PM): so she doesn't cancel her surgery?

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:02 PM): if you could, just tell her that I will be leaving for class shortly after getting back, and she wont be able to spend much time with me

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:14 PM): i'm not lying

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:20 PM): it won't be a lie, and when I get to a phone, I will call her

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:38 PM): fine.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:48 PM): safe flight

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:50 PM): thank you Adriene

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:56 PM): fuck you

BT (10/3/2008 1:10:21 PM): your really are fucking unbelievable, you know that?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:10:29 PM): I am???

Ava (10/3/2008 1:10:34 PM): After all this bullshit?

BT (10/3/2008 1:10:40 PM): I am trying not to fucking fight and shit, and you are saying fuck you to me?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:01 PM): bc I want you to fucking act like you are thankful instead of shitting on me and us every fucking chance you get.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:08 PM): Words don't mean a goddamn thing

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:25 PM): you pissed away every good thing you had.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:40 PM): now all you have are 8 trunks of shit

BT (10/3/2008 1:11:42 PM): you believe what you wish

BT (10/3/2008 1:12:51 PM): oh, and I want you to listen to a song, called Do You Believe Me Now, I believe it is buy a guy named Jimmy Wayne

[Singer asks ex-gf if she believes that her 'friend' had the hots for her now that she's with the friend and not with the singer- reference to TyRoy]

Ava (10/3/2008 1:12:51 PM): all your stuff will be there when you get back to P&A's.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:13:08 PM): No body wants him. Not even him.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:13:18 PM): Nobody wants me, not even him.

BT (10/3/2008 1:13:52 PM): funny, that you say that, cuz I do want you, but whatever, I have to go, I love and miss you bye

Ava (10/3/2008 1:14:09 PM): love you too bye

One Week

One week from today, my husband of a little less than a year come back from Iraq.
And I won't be there to greet him.

It's a decision that I've thought long and hard about, that I've agonized over. But I can't do it. The contract has been broken. Probably irrevocably.

I do not want to mislead anyone into thinking that I am without blame. If anyone threw down the first glove, it was me. I fully accept the consequesnces of those actions and was sure within myself that they would lead to the end of the relationship. While what I did could be considered "the one thing he told me not to do, above all other things", his reaction was the same. However he continued to act like it was nothing that should effect the relationship, that we could still go on with our plans when all the money that we'd been trying to save was gone.

For the last few weeks, footlockers have been arriving with the mail, though some I had to go get myself from the post office. Here is what he has to show for his time gone:

Eight Large Black Footlockers

And that's why I won't be there to pick him up in a week. We both knew what we had to do to make this work, or to even attempt to make this work. While I followed the agreement we made for all except this last little bit, tried to be the best wife I could be according to the rules we set out, he chose not to for almost all his time away. I hope that whatever is in those footlockers are worth it.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Trouble Sleeping

I don't know many people who have trouble sleeping.

I wonder if is because most of the people I know and are close to are men.

I used to think it was just me, just a personal problem. When I was much younger, my family labeled me a night owl. When I didn't have to be up at a specific time for something like school or summer camp, I would/could stay up quite late, for a kid at least, and sleep well into the day. At sleepovers, I was usually the last one to fall asleep. Even when I had to get up early for school, I still did not fall asleep when I was sent to bed. I would play with my stuffed animals, having them act out stories, or I'd listen to my walkman or I'd read under the covers with a flashlight. (This is how I managed to read the first four Anne Rice vampire books when I was 12 and deemed too young to read them by my mother.) As I became a teenager, I was just labeled a typical teenager, who liked to stay up late and could sleep well into the day.

But none of this really changed as I got older. In fact, with the depression and medication, it got worse. Also, with the depression came slightly manic periods. It was never enough to be diagnosed as bipolar, especially as anti-depressants alone made things better instead of worse as they would for most bipolar individuals, and I didn't have the behavioral component required by the DSM. But I would have periods of depression and times where I would sleep for days on end, followed by periods of increased activity, inspiration, and sleeplessness. Strangely, sometimes when I'm depressed I can't sleep either. Sleeping medications don't work either. Rarely do they make me sleep at all. If they do, I sleep for 12+ hours, which I can manage on my own, thankyouverymuch.

So, I realize that much of it is chemical and personal, but I also wonder how much of it is a gender thing. I've often thought about this as I layed next to a (male) lover, unable to sleep. Hours and hours on end, laying next to a partner, wanting to sleep and unable to. And, unlike when I'm sleeping alone, it's not like I can do something, like read a book, until I fall asleep. At least with TyRoy, I could watch TV or a movie while he slept, as the television in the bedroom being on didn't bother him. When BT and I slept at home, there was no TV in the bedroom and I didn't want to turn on a light to read. A couple times I snuck off into the den to watch tv and play on the computer. He'd always cuddle me until he fell into a light sleep, at most ten minutes, then wake up enough to say goodnight again and roll over onto his stomach. (I find that most men tend to do this to some extent.) I remember when we were in St Louis, Vegas, then LA, I would pull my mp3 player out and listen to it, mouthing the words, singing softly. BT must have half-heard it in his sleep, because he asked about it one morning. I really like sharing my bed with my lovers but.... it's so difficult to just lay there until I fall asleep when every man tends to fall asleep within minutes of laying down and it takes me....hours, or so it seems.

While I had entertained the thought that it was a gender difference, after hearing so many married/coupled hetro women talk about their male partners falling asleep, snoring, etc, I had never taken it very seriously. Then I was reading one of my trashy vampire books and the narrator mentioned how all the men in her bed had, as usual, fallen asleep before she had. Granted, it was just more anecdotal evidence to add to collection, but it made me want to start asking the question outloud. Of the straight men I've asked so far, none of them can name a bed partner who regularly fell asleep before them.

So, please, chime in with your experience- If you are a woman who has shared a bed with men, have you ever had a partner that you fell asleep before? Vice versa if you are a man. I'm also curious as to the experience of men who share a bed with other men and women who share a bed with other women. Also, do you feel like you have trouble sleeping? Is it just getting to sleep or is it staying asleep as well?

Flash in the pan or a candle flame?

I always wanted "that kind of love"- wild, crazy, passionate, burns brighter than the sun. Also, I wanted to be "the girl in the song"- the girl that guys went crazy over, the one who they knew was bad for them but tht they still kept going back to. I have that and I've become that. But I'm not any happier. In fact, I'm probably more unhappy.

Is it possible to have that kind of passion in a sustained stable sane relationship? Or are the only lasting relationships more like a low, long-burning candle flame, more light than heat?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Drama Night in Hoosierville

-Argue with your husband
-Your ex calls to see how you are doing and apologize for acting like an ass the last time you saw him. He also tells you about how he got arrested on charges of driving a stolen vehicle and then assaulting an officer. But at least he got rid of the gun before they pulled him over. Allegedly. Oh, and he loves you.
-Your husband's ex's submissive, who tried to get you to kill yourself a few months ago while hiding who he (the sub) was, attempts to apologize. Sub hits on you as well.

I'm hoping to never have a night like this anytime soon.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Almost Honest- Josh Kelly

This afternoon, I caught this song on a live show on cable. I'd heard this song in the background of some TV show and I thought it was beautiful, though I didn't think too much about it.

But I guess it fits nicely with things now. I've been thinking a great deal about honesty this weekend. Some of it has had to do wih Mon Parrain. Most of it has had to do with the future of my marriage and how to translate what I feel like is my non-monogamous nature (or just my penchance for using sex to fill the void, even when that sex isn't advisable) into the safe, stable home that I want to create for my husband, who deserves a safe stable home after all he's been through. Of course, it also reminds me of not only how and why I've not always been honest with my loves, but why those around me might not have always been honest either.

Mostly, tonight, I've listened to this on an almost constant loop through youtube, singing and crying. Wow, when put that way, it seems kinda pathetic..... oh well. Enjoy.

Almost Honest- Josh Kelly
So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I've laid with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give up nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

Yeah, Oh oh oh Hmmmmm

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried

Take a picture
Write a letter to my love
I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest


Thursday, August 28, 2008


In the beginning
BT (8/27/2008 4:30:06 AM): no, I have already admited that I had not been truthful to you in the past, but I have been since then

BT (8/27/2008 5:34:27 AM): like last night when you accused me of talking to [name redacted, we'll call her Ex-Fiancee], then flat out saying you don't believe me?
Me (8/27/2008 5:34:52 AM): That was because there were parts of convo's that didn't belong to our conversation
BT (8/27/2008 5:34:57 AM): I swear to you that I have not been talking to her
Me (8/27/2008 5:35:02 AM): Which had happened before when you were talking to her.
BT (8/27/2008 5:36:56 AM): yes, some conversations I have had have been about sex, but it has been about sex in the past, with a couple of my ex's or are still friends of mine, and who have moved on as I have, and are now either married, or engaged, or have boyfriends, but that is how we have always talked with each other, we know that we did not work out, but we still give each other shit, and play around talking about shit like that

Later still
BT (8/27/2008 5:41:52 AM): and in that new honesty, have to be honest that the other day, yes, I did lie to you, it was one of them that had the cam on, but she was letting me see her kids, and one of them was the boy that I had to be tested before, that wasn't mine
[During a previous conversation he'd typed "hmmmm, your cam went off", or something to that effect, and I knew it wasn't a part of our conversation. He said that it was the cam his Grandma and his neice were using to talk to him on, but I didn't really believe that. Turns out I was right.]

Am I going crazy? Does any of that actually add up? I know BT will be mad as hell that I"m airing our dirty laundry but.... when you put those parts of the conversation together, it just doesn't add up to me. (And just so he doesn't think that I'm being entirely unfair, there are other bits of the conversation that don't make either of us look good and that point to various other bad things that both of us have done lately. I'm not trying to avoid those things and if BT wants to post those on his blog, he can. I'm just focusing on the part of the conversation that blows my mind and confuses the fuck out of me.)

And, I'm sorry, I just couldn't find a good song about lying to go with it.

Angry All the Time

"Angry All The Time"
(best known as sung by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill
but written by Bruce Robison and sung by him and Kelly Willis)
Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife
four good kids who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I'm not old but I'm getting a whole lot older every day
It's too late to keep from goin' crazy
I got to get away

The reasons that I can't stay
don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man
shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one
Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be
Angry All The Time

Our boys are strong
the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
I remember every time I said I'd never leave
What I can't live with is memories of the way you used to be

The reasons that I can't stay
don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man
shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one
Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be
Angry All The Time

Twenty years have came and went
since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you
Before the light in your eyes was gone
sometimes I don't know why this old world
can't leave well enough alone

The reasons that I can't stay
don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man
shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one
Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be
Angry All The Time

You tube:
Bruce Robison and Kelly Willis
can't find a good one of Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

When this song first came out, I really thought it was probably one of the saddest songs about a couple breaking up ever. It's weird because it's sung by men (with women adding the harmony in both versions) but it obviously isn't from the man's point of view, or at least it isn't all from the man's point of view. I think it probably harkens back to an earlier time in musical story telling where males did all the singing and sung songs that were stories told from whatever point of view the story was. In the comments on Youtube for the video, someone asks who it is who is angry. The response was that they both are. Even if you think that the song is all from the point of view of the woman, I'm pretty sure that she's angry too, at least alittle.

But I think that sometimes we don't know how to get out of our anger. Especially those of us who have so much of it, those of us who's first and primary response in any situation is go get angry. And when one person is angry, it's hard for the other to stop and step back, to not get angry themselves. I also think that our first response is to defend ourselves, to defend our position, but that really does nothing to diffuse the situation. As Dr. Phil would say, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" Then again, sometimes there is nothing you can do to diffuse the anger. Sometimes nothing you do is going to be right. And then I don't know what you do.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

You Should Have Seen It In Color- Jamey Johnson

I said "Grandpa what's this picture here?
It's all black and white. It ain't real clear.
Is that you there?" He said, "Yeah. I was 11.
Times were tough back in '35.
Thats me and Uncle Joe, just tryin to survive
a cotton farm in the Great Depression.

If it looks like we were scared to death
like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should've seen it in color.

Ohh and this one here was taken over seas
in the middle of hell in 1943 in the winter time
You can almost see my breath
That was my tail gunner, ole Johnny Magee
He was a high school teacher from New Orleans
and he had my back right through the day we left.

If it looks like we were scared to death
like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should've seen it in color.

A pictures worth a thousand words
But you cant see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should've seen it in color

This one is my favorite one.
This is me and grandma in the summer sun
All dressed up the day we said our vows.
You can't tell it here but it was hot that June
and that rose was red and her eyes were blue
and just look at that smile, I was so proud.
Thats the story of my life, right there in black and white

And if it looks like we were scared to death
like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should've seen it in color.

A pictures worth a thousand words
but you cant see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color.
You should have seen it in color
Yeah a pictures worth a thousand words
but you cant see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color

You tube:

When I first heard this song, it made me think of my own grandpa. Not that we ever had a conversation so in depth, but I remember us going through the pictures before his funeral that we'd lay out for the viewing. I think it might just have been something for my uncle to do to keep himself even busier than he already was. But we now all have pictures of him in our living spaces. One of my favorite ones, the one that is hanging by my bedroom door and came with me when I lived at TyRoys is one of him and my grandma sitting at a kitchen table, with my mom, aged probably six, squirming in between them. Even though I'm sure I'm not a great judge of how I look, I know that I can see myself in all those faces. And in my grandfather's James Dean-y handsomeness and charm, I can see BT as well. (No, we aren't related.)

My grandma's grief conselor told her that it was a good idea to put of pictures of my grandpa around the house, partly as a good reminder and probably so that it wouldn't catch her off guard and hurt her more when she did see those things. At the house, I always sleep in "the guest room" and, since it became the guest room, the head of the bed has been surrounded by beautifully framed pictures of our family at different fancy family functions (weddings, parties, etc, not alot of them in my family). (Sidenote: You'd think this would get in the way of having sex in that bed, what with being surrounded by pictures of my family and all. But it doesn't seem to.) No one had warned me about the grief conselor's advice, but I wasn't freaked out by the fact that there were more pictures of my grandpa around. What did freak me out was the quilt on the bed. I don't think I had ever seen the quilt before. It was a quilt handmade by my grandma, on their 38th anniversary, with embroidery about their wedding date and their children. I lost it right there and then. This last visit I was looking at the picture of my uncle and my grandfather, at my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary party and I almost lost it again.

But I heard this song twice today. And what stood out was that he uses the same chorus to describe him and his wife on their wedding day- "And if it looks like we were scared to death, like a couple of kids just trying to save each other." Reminded me of BT and I. A couple of kids just trying to save each other. I could sure use some saving now.