Sunday, October 19, 2008

UPDATE 1: I Have a JOB...for now

I was supposed to go to my second day of work Friday night at 11pm. I had written the previous post at 9am, thinking that, if I just got some rest, took some happy pills, I'd be better and I'd just go to work, no biggie. I slept all day, until I had to get up at 9pm to get ready to go to work. I spent half of my time in the shower laying at the bottom of the tub, crying. Obviously, I wasn't feeling any better. But I even got dressed. I sat with my bag next to me, coat across my lap, in the dark in the comfy chair in the computer room. Then, right before 10, just before the one hour prior call in time and just before going back to bed in a depression induced stupor, I called in to the job. I just told them I was calling in for the night. My arm hurt. (Which it kinda did after using the arm I hurt falling off the truck to throw packages the night before.) Then I called in to the temp place, which was of course closed, and left them a message too, just like I was supposed to. Only I think this one was slightly more rambling. When BT asked me tonight what exactly I said, I told him that I think it was something about how the job was killing my soul and I wasn't going back. (At which point he smacked his own head and hung his head there in his hands.) BT suggests I call back tomorrow (or actually today- Sunday), leave another message on their voice mail, saying I was out of my mind, I want to work the job and I will be there as scheduled on Monday if they will still have me, please, please, please. I think 1) I'm going to ask my mom about it, 2) I'm going to ask TyRoy about it, 3) I'm going to ask MP about it (though his answer Friday morning was that it gets much easier once your soul dies), and 4) if I continue with this job, I think I'll have to take 2 of my 3 daily happy pills at my last break, to get me through the rest of the day.

Another big problem I have is with the "one hour mandatory overtime." I was told by my temp agency that I was to work 11pm-730am (which means 8 hours and no paid lunch time though you still have to take it). Fine, no biggie. But at 6am, my leader asks me if my agency had told me about the one hour mandatory overtime. No, my agency had not. My agency had warned m that I might have to stay later if there was more work and that I might get sent home before 8 hours was up if they just didn't have enough work for us. As far as I could see, all our work was getting done, so I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing extra for that hour. As everyone had different hours, it was hard for me to see if we were really getting all our work done or if we were behind. But no one told me. That day, I went home at 7:30am, mostly because I think I'd have started crying right there at my desk for no real reason if I'd stayed later. And they'd sent another girl home instead of giving her anymore overtime. Maybe she had been there longer and made more per hour. Either way, it sucked and I made sure I told my temp place that, during business hours, but I had told her that I thought I could hang with it for a while. Then I didn't go in.

But, as I was relating this to BT, who had more sympathy for me than most people in in shoes would, considering he just got back from a 24/7 job that he had for....a year pretty much, 8 months of it in country and that he has always worked shit jobs with long hours and low pay and seems to rarely have had a car so he was always walking too, I started thinking more about how most people live like this. On Friday morning, driving home, I was thinking about my mom and my grandma and my grandpa and my uncle, who have always worked kinda crappy jobs, in one way or another, but never seemed to come home angry. As I was talking to BT, I realized that I can sympathize with guys and girls who come home and are rude and cranky to their kids and spouses because their job sucks and it just took everything they had out of them, but the come home and their kids and spouses want more, which they just don't have to give.

When I got to the thought that maybe that is why my step-dad is so crabby all the time, I realized that I'm just like that. When I work a regular 9-5 kinda job (I include 3rd shift jobs where I work 8 hours in that), I'm just like that. I'm a total raving bitch! I know I"ve told the story in this blog about working the data entry job in the cave, which I hated. I'm not sure if I related how my family wanted me to contribute more, especially by coooking dinner (=what they were used to eating and wanted to eat for dinner) since I was the first one home. That was not an unreasonable demand whatsoever. But the times that my step-dad tried to teach me how to cook specific dishes were disasters, the second one ending in me telling him to cook his own damn dinner and then I went crying into the bathroom, where I stayed for several hours. I now realize that those incidents were just as much about him being a horrible teacher and "why can't I cook what I want to cook" as they were about me coming home from work a raving bitch. I am not a good, sweet, nice person when I come home. I'm not saying that my mom has sunshine coming out of her ass when she comes home from work everday, but she really is a generally cheery person when she comes home. My step-dad is not, ever. And I am really not a cheery person when I come home from a 9-5 job.

What the fuck am I going to do???? Please leave suggestions.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I Have a JOB...for now

[Back dated to when I wrote it in my journal, by hand, old-school, because our internets were down. Now I can only hope that I can read my own damn handwriting.]

I have a job.

Don't get too excited now. The longest I've ever kept a job was a year and I loved it. But I even screwed it up in the end, so there was no way I could go back. I've worked good jobs that I've liked more for less time, or barely past the first real day because of my own self-defeating, self-destructive nature.

But things being what they are (or aren't or are, who knows from day to day) with BT, and with me realizing the extent of some of the bills I'm dealing with and finding that a Sugar Daddy, especially when you aren't in the best shape of your life, is harder than one might think, I had decided that I'd better start the job search hardcore next week, after visiting my uncle early in the week and spending a weekend at Gram's.

But a job found me! Last Friday, a temp agency I had signed up with over the summer called, asked if I'd be interested in a 3rd shift data entry position. I'd just have to come in Monday to file out the same paperwork I'd filed out at the other, original, office that I'd signed up with (you'd think that they'd have a database for this kinda shit but I guess now), take a drug test, and fill out the paperwork for the background check. I was excited just by the prospect. What luck! A job found me! And it's 3rd shift so it's not like I'd have to worry about getting up in time or about the worst, most depressing hours of the day/night, when I'm all alone, there's nothing on TV, and so I'm reading, wishing I could sleep like the rest of the world.

I actually hadn't gotten much farther than that in my thinking. I'd had seemingly good job prospects from temp places dangled in frong of me, only to have them find a better candidate or some such. But the background check came back in precisely three days, which was yesterday (I was told it could take between 3-7 days because I'd lived in another state recently), and the temp place wanted me to start THAT NIGHT. Something about how quickly this all went down really should have set off some red flags, but it didn't.

In the shower, all I could hear in my head was the Bright Eyes lyric from "First Day of My Life"-"But I’d rather be working for a paycheck/Than waiting to win the lottery." (I know the song isn't about work necessarily but it fit in my head.) I was really happy to be doing something positive after all the negative I've been doing, or at least things that people around me perceive as negative.

Most of work was ok, but, and maybe this is just PMS or being tired and cranky, but I got to a point several times where I just wanted to cry, for no particular reason.

Ok, that's not entirely true. See, my job is entering in addresses on packages and printing the extra shipping labels. Some places just sound like regular places but other places sound... wonderful- Sugar Maple Lane or Humble Road. And I think of this job, of this paycheck to paycheck life and I know I'll never see these places. Or places like what I imagine those places to be. My greatest adventure happened just a little over a year ago- Reckless and foolish and unplanned and followed by lots of unforseen not-positive consequences- the kinda thing I should never do again, probably never will do again, both because of better decision-making skills (yeah right) and a lack of that kind of disposable cash and not caring about the money.

I know I must sound like a broken record here, with the number of posts I have about jobs and how much working sucks and how I always feel like it is killing my soul, but how do people do it? It's mind-numbing and soul-crushing. Some people still manage great insight and widsom and kindness and love despite living this and/or worse everyday. But I've never felt like I could. Still don't feel like I can.

"I want something/That's purer than the water/Like we were/It's not there now/Ineloquence and anger/Are all we have"- "It's Beginning to Get to Me" Snow Patrol

Friday, October 10, 2008

Year Ago Today (or yesterday by now)

I got married a year ago today. In Vegas. It was the happiest day of my life. I was full of plans and dreams and hopes for the future. I knew that my husband would soon been gone, for training and then for deployment. I knew that I would miss him terribly. I knew that it would be an immense burden on the both of us, to spend our first year as a married couple apart, with him dealing with the day in and day out realities of living and fighting in a war zone and with me having do to deal with the day in and day out realities of not really having my partner to lean on when things got too much. And, while I'd never discourage any military personnel for doing their job and I know that it is a job that I could not do, I've never been one of those "ra-ra" military types. I don't seek out men and women in uniform to have relationships with and, in many ways, I'd much prefer to just stick with civilians.

Over this past year, I really have tried. I've tried to get my own demons under control enough that I could be productive enough for the both of us, to keep his life running in the states while he was gone. I tried to keep the plans that we had made going. I tried to keep my own life going on the paths that I wanted it to go on. I tried to be a good person, a good wife. But it never seemsed to be enough. Enough to change the situations that he created on his own end. Enough to stop me from my own retaliations. Enough to keep me sane.

This week has been the perfect storm of bullshit. I had so much stuff that I wanted to accomplish. I thought that my stellar performance of moving BT's stuff to the place that he was going to stay once he returned at the end of the week would be the beginning of a good week. Of course, I hurt myself in the process so some of the more physically taxing projects that I wanted to get done have been slow going. While I did make it to the appointments that I made for myself Wednesday, just as things were starting to look up, I found out that my uncle's white cell count is down again. My mom had to leave almost immediately to drive the three hours to help take care of him. If he was less stubborn, one of us might already be out there helping him all the time, but he wants to do as much of this on his own as he can. While no one is talking about putting him in the hospital yet, we all know that it is a possibility, which will put off his next round chemo even longer.

Then last night, I stayed with TyRoy, feeling much too fragile to stay at my folks house with only my step-dad, who wouldn't notice if I had a techno-disco party in the house, much less if I left. Somehow, it only deteriorated into fighting. I was/am worried about getting the paperwork for the divorce from BT through, especially as everytime I talk to him he tells me about another new assignment he might be getting which will take him away from the metro area. My original plan had been to do the paperwork myself, take it to the country clerk, take his copies to him, take him to the bank where he could get his notarized and we could also take my name off his bank account and then we'd submit the papers to the court. Since only one of us has to be at the court for the hearing, if everything is signed and nothing is contested, it should be a walk in the part after that. But I suppose I was hoping for a bit more time after he got home in which to take care of the papers, like a week or two. In dealing with my uncles's health at the moment, just having moved BT's stuff out, our anniversary, and BT's return home, I just am not emotionally up to the task of doing this right now. But I felt all this pressure to do it RIGHT FUCKING NOW, as early as going and doing it Saturday morning when the bank was open. It was just too much.

Today, I had appointments all set up. I even got up, dressed, hair done, the whole nine. But I made the mistake of sitting down and watching TV in the 30 minutes that I had before I had to leave for my first appointment. I ended up sleeping through both of them. With my day feeling like a waste and the spector of my anniversary hanging over my head, I just took some pills, not enough to hurt, but just enough to wipe me out. Everytime I woke up, I took more and went back to bed. TyRoy found me curled up in the comforter, completely out of it, when he got home from work. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what the "appropriate action" is. And I don't know what the fuck I"m going to do once I finally get all the stuff with BT and I sorted out and over with. I had all these dreams and hopes. But they all involved him. Hell, all my dreams and hopes always seem to involve some man and my relationship to him. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to find out what I want for myself, from myself.

I miss that day a year ago when I was the happiest woman in the world.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Song BT Referenced Yesterday....

I thought I would share, for the non-country music listening readers out there, the song that BT referenced yesterday in our IM chat. It's been on heavy rotation here on country radio and I knew that as soon as he heard it, he would say that this perfectly described the situation between TyRoy, him, and I- that TyRoy had plans to "make me his" and then taken advantage of a moment of weakness in BT and I's relationship.

Do You Believe Me Now?- Jimmy Wayne
Do you remember
the day I turned to you and said
I didn't like the way he was lookin' at you?
How he made you laugh
you just couldn't get what I was sayin'
it was my imagination

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

I'm kickin' myself
for bein' the one foolish enough givin' him the chance to step in my shoes
ohhh He was bidin' his time
when he saw our love was havin' a moment of weakness
he was there between us

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

oh yeah, I bet now you see the light
oh yeah, what's the use in bein' right...
when I'm the lonely one tonight?

(Chorus) So do you believe me now?
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
and I knew what I was talkin' about
Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin' you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now
yeah so do you believe me now yeah

Everytime the sun goes down
he's the one that's holdin' you baby
yeah me I'm missin you way 'cross town
so do you believe me now?

No one ever has clean hands. There were plenty of times when TyRoy admitted to me that he was hoping to not give advice that was purely self-serving. There were many times that he gave advice that worked against his own interests, that was purely to help BT and I, though of course BT saw/sees this as just more of the larger plot. But, with the TyRoy situation, the proof is in the pudding and he and I are not "together" as a couple, nor do we have plans to be. Neither of us will say never but this is how things are right now.

But the proof is in the pudding with BT as well. He can make excuses and he can say that he did things out of anger or retaliation or whatever he wants. But he still did enough on his own to end the relationship, without anyone else's help. So while he and Jimmy Wayne throw their own pity party, the only song I could think of was this.....

Alibis- Tracy Lawrence
she knows every move that a man could make
she knows every trick in the book
she knows how to give
she knows how to take
cuz so many times shes been taken a fool
by those

alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines
lord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make one on you

she once thought that love wasnt just a game
her feelings once came from the heart
one day i gave her a wedding ring
in one night i tore all those feelings apart
with my

alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines l
ord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make
her own

alibis and lyin eyes and all the best lines
lord knows shes heard them all
shes been cheated on and pushed around and left alone
lord knows what ive put her through
and boy you can bet if a move can be made
she knows how to make one on you

Also see the song There is No Arizona, in reference to promises made that never came true, though I am happy to report that, for various reasons, MP has made a reappearance in my life.

Sorry for all the sad country songs.

And, yes, someday I'll take the time to learn how to do the linking correctly, but right now I'm lazy. Deal.

Done With His Move

Today I moved BT's stuff out of my folks' house. While I did have quite a bit of help, I still feel like I did a great deal of it myself. While the money was his, and rightly so as it is his stuff, I made the reservations and rented the truck in my name and on my debit card. I do have to give major props to TyRoy for getting up hella early on a Saturday, skipping his pancakes, and helping me pack up the truck. Also, big props go to BT's friends and landladies who practically unloaded the truck themselves while also being very very nice to me, despite all that is going on.

BUT I'm super proud of myself for all the driving and parking of the big scary truck. While I know that I probably scared some fellow drivers out there today, I did park the truck myself, including backing it up to my house completely unassisted.

I even took pics from either side so show that I was "in the lines" of our driveway. (Only half of the full concrete drive you see is "ours" while the other half belongs to the other side of the duplex.)

Of course, the day was not without its problems. I did alot of crying. I also fell off the back of the truck and did a face plant in front of BT's friends. Now my right shoulder and ass cheek are pretty sore. But, for the most part, I did this myself, or at least with my own inititive and planning. I think I deserve a big hug and lots of kisses and, if I could give them to myself, I would. When we have to be strong, we can be.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Horrible Chat with the World's Worst Army Wife

Yes, I'm airing my dirty laundry. Yes, I am 14. I don't care. I needed to get out the conversation but I didn't want it biased by me saying "he said this", when I said just as bad of shit.

[Chat started on the instant messenger of my cell phone. Because of the lag, the answers don't always go with the questions]

BT: hey, sorry I have not contacted you for awhile. everytime I have gotten online, the connections has sucked, and i haven't been able to IM you

BT: I am still in Iraq [redacted because you don't need to know anymore]

BT: I plan on contacting mom when I get there

BT: As for the Uhaul and everything, that is fine. and thank you very much for moving all of my stuff for me

Ava: I thought when you said 4 days that meant 4 days until you were back in the States.

BT: It was supposed to be, but our flight kept getting pushed back

Ava: I really don't want to hear your thank you about moving your stuff. I just want it gone.

BT: Well, you sould like your in a great fucking mood

Ava: I'll call your mom and let her know. But she's talking about moving her surgery. Can you call her from where you are?

BT: No, I'm on lock down

Ava: I've spent the last week w/no word from you, and your mom calling me, crying, twice a day

[Switch to computer]

BT (10/3/2008 12:58:59 PM): I'm sorry, she should remember from when I went to Kosovo, how it is with the lack of ability to comunicate, I am sorry that she is being like that, I will call her as soon as I get to the states

Ava (10/3/2008 12:59:49 PM): I don't think you understand how much that whole gallbladder/kidney stone thing hurts and she's going to put off surgery only for you to tell her that you don't want her there.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:00:09 PM): Have you made arrangements with Pam and Angela to pick you up next Friday?

BT (10/3/2008 1:00:48 PM): there is nothing that I can do, I can not make a phone show up out of nowhere

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:02 PM): yes, I have made plans for someone to pick me up

Ava (10/3/2008 1:01:04 PM): Then why didn't you do it before?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:01:17 PM): Someone?

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:42 PM): cuz I didn't have 3 and 1/2 hours to wait on a phone

BT (10/3/2008 1:01:57 PM): yeah, one of my best friends [redacted] is coming and gettting me

BT (10/3/2008 1:02:15 PM): no, nothing is going to happen, she is a lesbian and has a girlfriend

Ava (10/3/2008 1:02:31 PM): None of my business anyway

BT (10/3/2008 1:02:48 PM): just letting you know

Ava (10/3/2008 1:02:55 PM): Will you sign papers if I arrange to come out to the house in Lawrence or to meet you someplace after you get back?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:03:25 PM): Oh, and thanks for the warning that there were going to be 8 footlockers coming.

BT (10/3/2008 1:03:27 PM): as much as I don't want to, yes, I will

BT (10/3/2008 1:03:40 PM): sorry

Ava (10/3/2008 1:03:48 PM): If you didn't want to, you shouldn't have done what you did with the money and with Army Woman and with M

BT (10/3/2008 1:04:25 PM): me and M are just friends now, there has not been any kind of sexual talk between me and her

Ava (10/3/2008 1:05:05 PM): Except that you told me you wouldn't talk to her and you broke her heart to beginw with with the whole engagement thing. But whatever.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:05:17 PM): So, you and Army Woman back together? It sure looks like it from the pics.

BT (10/3/2008 1:05:28 PM): no, we are not

Ava (10/3/2008 1:06:08 PM): You do know that you are going to come back to a negative bank balance, right?

BT (10/3/2008 1:06:33 PM): how negative?

[redacted-no one needs to know those details]

BT (10/3/2008 1:08:01 PM): well, they are calling my flight, I have to get going

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:10 PM): fine.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:22 PM): bye. be safe. you want me to tell your mom for you?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:08:30 PM): so she doesn't cancel her surgery?

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:02 PM): if you could, just tell her that I will be leaving for class shortly after getting back, and she wont be able to spend much time with me

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:14 PM): i'm not lying

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:20 PM): it won't be a lie, and when I get to a phone, I will call her

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:38 PM): fine.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:48 PM): safe flight

BT (10/3/2008 1:09:50 PM): thank you Adriene

Ava (10/3/2008 1:09:56 PM): fuck you

BT (10/3/2008 1:10:21 PM): your really are fucking unbelievable, you know that?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:10:29 PM): I am???

Ava (10/3/2008 1:10:34 PM): After all this bullshit?

BT (10/3/2008 1:10:40 PM): I am trying not to fucking fight and shit, and you are saying fuck you to me?

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:01 PM): bc I want you to fucking act like you are thankful instead of shitting on me and us every fucking chance you get.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:08 PM): Words don't mean a goddamn thing

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:25 PM): you pissed away every good thing you had.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:11:40 PM): now all you have are 8 trunks of shit

BT (10/3/2008 1:11:42 PM): you believe what you wish

BT (10/3/2008 1:12:51 PM): oh, and I want you to listen to a song, called Do You Believe Me Now, I believe it is buy a guy named Jimmy Wayne

[Singer asks ex-gf if she believes that her 'friend' had the hots for her now that she's with the friend and not with the singer- reference to TyRoy]

Ava (10/3/2008 1:12:51 PM): all your stuff will be there when you get back to P&A's.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:13:08 PM): No body wants him. Not even him.

Ava (10/3/2008 1:13:18 PM): Nobody wants me, not even him.

BT (10/3/2008 1:13:52 PM): funny, that you say that, cuz I do want you, but whatever, I have to go, I love and miss you bye

Ava (10/3/2008 1:14:09 PM): love you too bye

One Week

One week from today, my husband of a little less than a year come back from Iraq.
And I won't be there to greet him.

It's a decision that I've thought long and hard about, that I've agonized over. But I can't do it. The contract has been broken. Probably irrevocably.

I do not want to mislead anyone into thinking that I am without blame. If anyone threw down the first glove, it was me. I fully accept the consequesnces of those actions and was sure within myself that they would lead to the end of the relationship. While what I did could be considered "the one thing he told me not to do, above all other things", his reaction was the same. However he continued to act like it was nothing that should effect the relationship, that we could still go on with our plans when all the money that we'd been trying to save was gone.

For the last few weeks, footlockers have been arriving with the mail, though some I had to go get myself from the post office. Here is what he has to show for his time gone:

Eight Large Black Footlockers

And that's why I won't be there to pick him up in a week. We both knew what we had to do to make this work, or to even attempt to make this work. While I followed the agreement we made for all except this last little bit, tried to be the best wife I could be according to the rules we set out, he chose not to for almost all his time away. I hope that whatever is in those footlockers are worth it.