Tuesday, November 28, 2006

OMG!! What the FUCK is wrong with me?!?!?!?

Oh My God! What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!? Everytime I get near a relationship or near the possibility of a relationship, I turn into this absolutely fucking crazy girl-monster-bitch!!!! I loose all reason and self-control. I just don't know what happens to me. Now, when I know it is just sex or just fooling around, I have gotten control of my more crazy 'girlfriend' impulses, especially because I don't want to scare off a good repeat lay by acting like I am or want to be their girlfriend, especially when I don't. Unfortunately, when the situation is more ambigious and I have to live in that ambiguity for an extended period of time, I go crazy. As I am right now. Which is probably ruining any and every chance I have. I am so fucked!

Friday, November 24, 2006

Integrity: 0, Desire: 1

So, for those of you playing along at home, I am nowhere near actually implimenting the ideas of the Ani song "Manhole" that I so love. What she doesn't say is that sometimes you need to learn the same lesson several million times before you can actually live it. And this time integrity definately did not win over desire. I still haven't found that thing that isn't danger/potential for bad treatment/etc that will cause light my fire for someone, but I have found that danger/potential for bad treatment/etc still do it for me. I've always loved to watch fires, imagine myself inside that warmth. For kids are told by their parents not to put their hand on the stove or in a fire, but some kids still have to do it once just to be sure that it really is an unpleasant experience. I know that fire will burn me. I know that fire will hurt me. I guess I just still can't convince myself that those aren't the things I want.

"I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)"-John Mayer
No i'm not the man i used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before i let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
I will break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where i started
So i can want you back all over again

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
I see through, through your love?
Who do you love, me or the thought of me?
me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever gets you through through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Other Interesting Quotes from Bastard

Eric Bartels, "My Problem with Her Anger," Bastard on the Couch, p. 127- "Anger, justified or not- if acted mostly as a release without the clear-cut agenda of provoking change-is selfist and juvenile, obnoxious and unattractive, and it got you nowhere."

Anthony Giardina, "A Brief History of the (Over)involved Father," Bastard on the Couch, p. 155- "Perhaps the best you can ever expect from a battle between internal contradictions is a truce."

Vince Passaro, "Why Men Lie (and Always Will)," Bastard on the Couch, p. 219- "The full truth, the whole thing, almost never feels to us like a viable option."
Maybe that is why some men I know, hell, some people I know, still never tell the whole truth.

I finished the book a few days ago and I really liked it, just as much, if not more than I liked the original Bitch in the House. I think that all people, especailly all people considering moving in together, marriage, or who are already married, should read both these books. They definately made me look at myself and those I've been involved with, am involved with, in a more compassionate way, pushing me to evaluate them not just as a man or a woman, but as themselves and the various ways that they fulfill, rebel against, and are oppressed by what is expected of them based on their sex.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I'm Going Back to School

Ever since I moved back into my parents' house after getting depressed, quitting my job, and dropping out of (yet another) school, I kept saying that I was going back to school soon. But semesters came and went and I still wasn't any closer in to going back to college to finish my degree. For the past two years, when it was time to start the application process, I was too busy to go back to school or too depressed or working too much, etc. But things kinda fell into place recently. Even though I was going through lots of depression issues and experiencing a serious rift with my bestfriend (which only exacerbated the depression), I decided to at least try, at least apply to the metro college and apply for financial aid. I did almost everything online, so I could even do it while sitting on my ass, watching prime time TV. The biggest break for me was that, because of my age, the FAFSA does not take into account my parents' income, so I am ellegible for more financial aid. I filled out the application form online and had my transcripts sent in during October. In early November, I filled out the FAFSA, though I wasn't sure I would get any money, since I was applying so late. I was afraid I would have to put off going back to school for another semester, until Fall 2007. But today I got my financial aid award letter. For just the one semester, I got way more than I would need to pay for classes and books. Of course, they also prefaced this on me having an out-of-state residency (since I live just over the state line from the University), but this metro college gives an in-state rate to students living in the metro area, even over the state line, so I'll need even less of the money that I have available. In essence, I could get kicked out of my parents house, get fired from my job, and still have enough money to go to school!!!!! I'm so excited. I really want to go back to school because I love learning and classes and homework (yes, even homework). I was also really tired of feeling like I would never get my degree because I was such a loser. There is still a lot of work to go once I am in school and working, but I am excited just to have this opportunity. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Attraction

Bastard On the Couch, p. 8- In talking about the pasts of the older women he's dated, Panio Gianopoulos writes, "Whatever their amorous histories, almost all had, by now, enough romantic experience to have overcome the girlish draw toward being treated badly."

-Is that why I haven't been attracted to the very attractive people I've had dates with recently? Like nice lesbian K, who is perfect on paper for me but draws no sparks? Vs. repeat fling X who does but that I hardly ever see and only for sex (though I don't feel particularly slighted by this lack of contact because of how we set up everything but I'm not sure he'd be a boyfriend who treated me any different than he currently does.) I was kinda put off last night by the fact that I didn't have that spark with last night's date C, the kind of spark that I have had early on in other long-term relationships. But my other significant others did have elements of danger, illicitness, or bad-boy/girl/behavior. Even exSir. Hell, in some ways, I wonder if I'm willing to try to keep my friendship with exSir just so he can treat me like he had been before we stopped talking a few months ago. I know from the experience of the last few months that I can get along fine, or better than fine, without him. And after the experience of finally talking to him last week, I know that he creates uncontrollable emotion and chaos in my heart and mind, if not my life.

-I think for some women the draw to being treated badly might be a girlish one, something they grow out of, but it seems to be pathological in many. Something they don't get over because they never gain the wisdom, foresight, confidence or whatever it is that enables them to call it, for "integrity to finally win out over desire" as Ani sings.

-Is it just "girlish"? Is that maybe why exSir started out not as physically attracted to his K as he had been to previous (though bad/crazy) girls? Because he didn't feel that immediate danger/bad treatment/craziness in her? Is that why she was attracted to him? While I still don't think keeping your bestfriend who is also your ex-gf close is necessarily treating your current gf badly, she obviously did but stayed long after it should have been evident that he wouldn't cut off contact with me. Even now, she won the victory but he's still trying to be my friend now. Is exSir's staying despite not having that initial spark sexually a sign of maturity or, as I thought at the time, just forcing himself into a relationship devoid of that spark because he wants to act like sex isn't important to him, when sex is important to all relationships and without that spark, the relationship would never work? If I continue to not experience that spark sexually with people (especially if I decide that sexual spark is ONLY caused by danger/bad treatment) should I force myself to keep on with someone I find attractive in all other ways? Or is that just going to be a recipe for disaster because I'll be tempted away by the first danger/badness spark that comes along, especially because the sex with the main partner is lackluster without that spark? Can you have both-sexual spark and good treatment? Maybe I should say, Can I have both? Or is there a different but equally or more powerful spark based on something that isn't danger/badness and I just haven't experienced it yet?

Romance is so confusing.