Monday, October 17, 2005

Female Chauvinist Pigs

Notes from the Article "Hog Heaven" Bitch Fall 2005
  • Male chauvinist pigs were men who thought that "hotness of a particular commerical mold is the highest achievement of womankind"--> now for a woman to be sexually liberated she has to feel that same way, to be a female chauvinist pigs, but it is still just perpetuating the same myths and wrong ideas about the highest achievement of womankind
  • Despite the way it is portrayed, we have to realize that sex workers are almost always not doing this work because they like it, like having sex on tape for money, like dancing naked for men, but because they need the money
  • Society not oversexualized but that a certain kind of sex is overcommerciallized --not really sexual hedonism but sex selling, not sexual pleasure
  • Young girls now: a) feel that 'sexual power is the only power worth excercising' and b) must express 'imaginary licentiousness before they've experienced lust', 'seeming as wild as possible'


Wow! I was ahead of my time!!! I was skanky when skanky wasn't cool. Really great article-makes me want to read the book Female Chauvinist Pigs but I don't really know how to use it yet.

Really corresponds to "Reasons behind Love/Sex Duality-Only way to have sexual power/liberation to make use of it" but it still doesn't give me a new way to think of these issues, different ways to value sexuality or evaluate desires.

Does show me that this is a larger problem of society also, that it is a learned behavior, that I am not alone in this wrong thinking, that to be a rebel is to not continue with this learned behavior.

[back dated to when I journaled it]

The Politics of Ex's

I've always tried to stay friends with my ex's. That's because most of them were friends to start with. But maybe I stay friends with them so I always have a fall-back, or also someone I am comfortable with that I know knows me. Or someone I know wants me sexually still. But with this comes problems.

In our 'Why T will never marry Ava' talk, T said that the cheating was bad enough but I still continued to talk to Ex-T afterwards and that really really bothered him. I didn't ask him at the time if I should have ended my 4+ year friendship with Ex-T because I fooled around with him once when I was really depressed without ever being asked by T. Should that mistake ruin/end our friendship?

Now, T and I are not together and probably will never be again. But I am working on my character. Is it better to continue my friendship with Ex-T who I've known now for 7 years or break contact with him, which T asserts I should have done earlier? [If you accept the premise that it was wrong for me to continue contact with him after I cheated with him as a general rule, no matter if T had requested it or not, then it should be the right thing to do even if I am not with T and never will be.]

Ultimately, I guess that also depends on why I value my friendship with Ex-T and what I am hoping to gain from it. Most immediately, I will have to say that it thrills me to know that he still desires me, physically and emotionally. I don't think I would ever act on it even though I am single but it is nice to know it is there. And if that was all there was, I probably shouldn't talk to him. But it isn't. I am so happy that he is really taking control of his life- working a decent paying job that he loves and thinking about moving out on his own to Mississippi and becoming a person separate from his own family and high school shit. Though he is afraid to end up alone, he isn't clinging to relationships that aren't working just to be with someone. And I love having someone to talk to that knows me and where I've been.

But I still wonder if I should be talking to him at all and maybe that I am asking that question at all is an answer in and of itself.
[post is dated back when I wrote it in journal not when really posted]

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Living with Character

And now for something completely different...
Things I aspire to be, qualities I desire to have, to live a life of character

Will have to edit as I have more insight


Link from about Canadian math teacher who was also an escort

So, here is what I was thinking when I read this, "Sounds like a good deal. Why not just give up teaching or just volunteer and be an escort full-time? Maybe I could do that."

I know that is wrong and I should not want to be a prostitute (even if you fancy it up with the word escort), but there is something about it that appeals to me. Obviously, this is part of the sex/love duality that is going on inside me. Prostitution is sex for money without any expectations of love. People who pay for sex may expect to feel like the prostitute loves them, but that is not always, or even usually the case. And I would think that prostitutes would actively try not to fall in love or even care about their clients. In my idealization of prostitution, I would get paid to go out with and maybe have sex with men and/or women who wanted no-strings-attached companionship and sex and were happy to pay an exceptional woman (me) for this. I could be choosy and would communicate via e-mail with them before our date and keep a record of who I was with and where so if anything happened to me. (I saw it on an MSNBC show about prostitution.) I could enjoy the company of different people, have sex with different lovers, and have money to do what I wanted to with the rest of my time. It doesn't sound so bad. So what is wrong with it?

A large part of me says "Nothing is wrong with it." And I feel like that is a problem. I should feel an instant aversion to this kind of loveless sex, this kind of business arrangement sex. It degrades women by putting a price on their affection and sex. It degrades the clients, who are only of value because of their money and who are not working to have a fulfilling relationship that they don't have to pay for. It shows that the clients don't value the prostitute, because if they really valued him/her they would want a real relationship and not just NSA sex/companionship. It shows that the prostitute doesn't value themselves because if they did, they would hold out for a real loving relationship instead of using their body to get cash.

Despite all of this, it has an appeal to me. I'd never do it because I don't have the guts to, not because I'm morally against it, which I feel I should be.

The Razor- Head Automatica

this is television
late night television
scripted with precision
a corner store Pulp Fiction
sits where your heart isn't

but with your eyes so green
and your pinkish theme,
you've made an old friend seem
rather dead to me
alas the weapon sex can be

your body is a weapon
and you're afraid it could get out
a friend of the devil
and you're afraid it could get out

don't say i don't cut when i do i do i do
(i do i do)
don't say i'm lying when i'm true i'm true i'm true
(i do i do)
the razor...

you were all suspicious
so vile and omniscious
with a heart so vicious
dare you ask what this is
this is so delicious
to eat the best of you
like the others do
i'll take your pride from you

the dive in, the embassy, the jets,
its all the same to me.

your body is a weapon
and you're afraid it could get out
a friend of the devil
and you're afraid it could get out

don't say i don't cut when i do, i do, i do
(i do i do)
don't say i'm lying when i'm true, i'm true, i'm true
(i do i do)
the razor...(the razor)

don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do

so many suitors, i don't even have a suit to wear
so many influential fingers running through your hair
i am the razor and in the hands of your heart
and i am the razor in the hands of God

don't say i don't cut when i do, i do, i do(i do i do)
don't say i'm lying when i'm true, i'm true, i'm true(i do i do)
the razor...(the razor)

don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do
(the razor)
don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do
(the razor)
don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do.....

"The Problem with Feminism"

Really good posting on Muse and Fury

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Last nights thought just before bed

Why I don't let myself cum?
  • Gives ownership to the person who makes me cum
  • Allows me to always remain somewhat unattainable
  • Assumption that guys will give up once they attain this

Sex/Love Duality

  • Assumption-To give yourself wholly to only one person, especially giving your virginity especially to a man, is a gift that will never be respected and always be betrayed
  • Men will have multiple partners, why shouldn't women?
  • Only way to own your sexuality is to use it
  • One has to have experience to be good
  • You should try as much as you can before you settle down into a boring life
  • Sex as a way to control others, control men
  • Sex as all a guy wants from me, makes him stay

Not really specific or cohesive, just what was on my mind last night when I was trying to go to sleep.

Am I any closer, T?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Men Don't Leave

How can one person, especially one you don't even really know, effect your life so much??? While this should have been obvouis to me, and probable is to everyone else, I just realized today that the negative ideas I have about men is not just largely but almost totally a direct result of my experience with my father. Previously, I knew that I held negative, stereotypical views about men that I thought were based on my previous experience with all men. The main stereotypical view about men that I held was that men always leave, that men don't stay with their wives, girlfriends, children, relatives, and friends. Today, when I was thinking about this assumption, which I do feel now is false, I realized that my experiences don't actually bear that out. There is only one man in my history who has left me and stayed gone. Obviously, since he is my father, I feel that he should have stuck around, above and beyond anyone else in my life. The few other men, an uncle, a bestfriend, who have chosen to not be in my life have done so not because "men leave" but because of their own personal problems or decisions. But almost all the men who have loved me, romantically and familially, have stuck around or are not in my life currently by my own decision, despite their desire to stick around. So, it brings me back around to my initial question--how can one person have such an effect on one's whole perception???

Obviously, what needs to change is how I react to men and to changing my reaction to and assumptions about men (women too, but I have the most unfounded negative beliefs about men). T's great point---You should come with no assumptions about people, negative or positive, so that they can create your opinion of them by their actions and the reality of them.

To all the men in my life who have stayed and who love me, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't recognize all you do and how much you love me.


So, today has not been very productive. Too little sleep for such an early interview-only to be sent away because I don't have enough info to complete the paperwork for the government background check. I spent the rest of the day trying to get enough info to complete the paperwork and depressingly watching TV/napping/working.

Saddest part of the day, though, was filling out the section about my parents. I was able to get my bio-dad's birthdate from my mother over the phone, but I only know the city that he lives in. The woman that is the whole of the human resources dept. asked for his address. When I told her that I did not have a street address for bio-dad, she crossed out the city and state and wrote Unknown in the remaining space. Now, I'm sure in this day and age, there are plenty of people who do not know where one of their parents lives, usually their father, but not always. There are probably even some people who do not know where their parents live because they had a falling out of some kind. I'm sure there are also people out there who do not even have a name for one of their parents. But it doesn't make me feel any better that I haven't had contact with my biological father since I was 5. What a fucker.

Monday, October 03, 2005

I'm Now Officially A Blogger!!!!!

I'm a big dork now, with my own blog.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

New Day

So, as we know, I'm starting this so that I can keep a journal of my progress on this journey, starting today. So, I want to post what I already have.
Thoughts from last night
  • Link between love and violence forged before I ever remember
  • Felt like those who loved me the most showed the most violence (also the one who's love I wanted the most)
  • Cont.-This has led me to discount the love of those who didn't show violence toward me but instead had positive reactions to positive behavior
  • I am a very manipulative person
  • What I am looking for in S&M is not a safe-seeming loss of control but pushing until my safety net breaks==too dangerous
  • Need to get at the roots of this and change will follow
  • Duality, in my thinking, of physical sex and emotional love
  • "You are not that important"-T's general, vague and cryptic answer


  1. Research into the Psychology of abuse, spanking, s&m
  2. Meditation-general and specifically on this issue
  3. Talking it out with T

New Rules for Life

  • Tape only 2 hours of TV a night
  • Meditate every other day
  • Exercise every other day
  • Loss 20 lbs.
  • Only sleep 8 hours
  • Read more
  • Write my fiction every night
  • Play music
  • Start blog
  • Personals-Dating only, no sex, no S&M
  • Change fantasies and vary practices
  • Catch-up on movies
  • Catch-up on music
  • Seek positive reinforcement for positive behavior

?Do you think this is too personal, T?