Saturday, June 30, 2007

Bar Experiments- Night 1

I have never been to a bar alone. I always go with friends or am going to meet someone there. Going to lesbian bars alone is especially scary for me because that means that my goal is supposed to be to meet a woman, but, with lesbains, I have a really REALLY hard time telling when it is just two chicks hanging out and when they are a couple. (Ok, sometimes it is really obvious, but, especially in groups, it is very difficult if the women are not all over each other.) But, as I'm feeling more confident, and my three closest friends have been pushing me to get my ass out there and flirt and dance and meet women, and I'm getting a weekend off from hospital duty, I decided to go out to the lesbian bar here all by my lonesome. I even wore one of my new dresses. And I thought I'd file a preliminary report before I went to bed.

First of all, I have to say I looked really hot in my new dress. I got there early, for bar time, 10 pm. Ordered a drink on the patio, walked inside, checking everything out. They were still doing karaoke, so I picked a spot at the bar where I could see the performer and drank my drink. I looked around and watched people. A woman who must be a regular sat down next to me, ordered her drink, and talked to the bartender. We got into a conversation and, though she might be a little old for me and not someone I would have approached, it was nice to talk to someone. Then, this man came up to me while his partner was paying their bill and told me how amazing I looked in my dress. He commented on all the different aspects of how great I looked in it, said that he had been watching me the whole time he and his partner were eating from across the bar, which was really flattering, but I wished some woman had said it to me instead of some (drunk?) gay man. Then, he told the woman sitting next to me that she was really lucky!!! She definately blushed at that. She had to leave soon after that because she works early on Saturdays. But she asked me if I wanted to meet her back there Sunday to play washers. I said ok and she gave me her card and told me to call her. Score!

The rest of the night was not quite so sucessful. I went out to the floor to dance, as karaoke was over by then, and, during the first song that I was out there, this very pretty, slim blonde came out and danced kinda toward me, but never got real close, though we made eye contact. When I walked by her later, she looked at me and smiled and said hey, but she was with this man and I couldn't really tell what was going on there and she was very pretty, so I didn't have the courage to talk to her. There was a kinda andro chick who had caught my eye when I first got there and was just playing on one of those video screen game thingies, so I tried talking to her. Turns out her girlfriend is a barback there and so she just hangs out when she has the time. Then, after some water, I went back out to dance. Mostly, I danced by myself, but there was this really cute middle-of-the-road lesbian chick that had also caught my eye earlier dancing with her gay male friend, so I decided to try to dance with them. They were facing each other, so I came up behind her. She seemed cool with it but at the end of that song, they left the dance floor. :( Oh well. At least I tried. So, then I danced some more and decided to come home, since I should get up early to help my family a little before taking Saturday away from official family duty.

Tomorrow, I plan to lay outside in the sun and read, then go catch a movie or two, then go back out to the bar. I'll let you know how that goes. But I'm still pretty baffled as to how chicks just meet at a bar and go home together. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I get to dance WITH some chick(s) tomorrow night.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Stop This Train....

When I'm at home, living my day-to-day life in my parents' house, with my basement cave of a room, I often take days off from the world. The only person I'm absolutely required to talk to is my mother, just enough to say that I'm ok but that I need time. Until today, I never realized how precious and valuable that is.

This morning, I was supposed to be up early, well, early for me anyway, 9am, so that I could take the morning shift at the hospital with my grandfather, so that my grandma could take my usual afternoon/evening shift and I could hang out with Sir. Though I got to sleep at a decent hour, I couldn't manage to haul my ass out of bed on time. Or even late. Obviously, this didn't make my grandmother too happy. I've been here, doing hospital duty with my grandmother for over two weeks now, without any real days off. And somedays there are great, some are just ok, and some are horrible. I realize that my grandmother doesn't get to take days off from this, or at least she won't. But today I realized how much I wish I could just be back at my home in my cave, where my actions in the world stop. I know the world doesn't stop, but I can take myself out of it for a day. But I can't do that here. It's real life and it is EVERY SINGLE DAY and it's hard. I don't want to not be here helping and I don't think I need some special fucking award for taking care of my family. But it isn't easy or fun or what I thought it would be.

I remember a post on one of the feminist blogs that I read regularly about how females are always expected to be the caretakers of older family members, especially when they don't have a husband and children, despite the job situations and locations of other members, both male and female, in the family. Whenever there has been a serious illness with my grandfather or with my uncle this summer, I always assumed that if someone was going to have to stay with them and take care of them, it would be me, since I was unmarried, without kids, could put off school, and without a career job. Thankfully, that was never required before. But, when faced in this situation with my grandmother's unspoken desire for me to stay here with her, I just couldn't do it. (Thankfully, my mom said that she wouldn't allow me to do it anyway.) I just realized how hard I've worked to finally get comfortable, to get a job at school in my field, to get back into school and like it, and I know I won't give that up. At least not when there are a good deal of other options.

I also realized today that sometimes being "someone's something" can be more of a burden than something that just adds to who you are. (And bear with me, because I haven't found a very good metaphor to explain this though I'm trying really hard.) I used to think that there was this large infinite cloud of who I was and being "my mom's daughter" or "Sir's girlfriend" (when I was that) just added more to my cloud. Now I'm thinking that maybe the real me is a bright sun in a cloudless sky but being "my grandparents' granddaughter" and "my mom's daughter" and "D's neice" are clouds that cover me up, obscuring me, even to myself. Recently, I've been able to JUST BE AVA when I'm with Mon Parrain and Miss Kee and I work hard to JUST BE AVA when I'm with Sir, but those about the only times that I feel like I can just be me, not somebody's someone. I called my mom and asked her if it got any better. She said you just learn to juggle the hats better. I really wonder if guys feel like this or if it is different for guys. Mom said that she doesn't think guys feel it at all, though Sir says they do, that from the moment they have a wife and kids until the time they retire, they are...mmm, maybe it is different for guys. Because I think Sir meant that men feel chained to their jobs, that they are their employment or career, especially when they have a wife and kids. But that isn't what I meant. Part of it is that I'm a "barista" (when I was) but it is also belonging to all these other people, being obligated to them and responsible for them. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time just letting my fiction characters act as they would, why I tend to protect them from their worst impulses. I just don't know.

Here is a song that I thought was pretty appropriate and a link a live performance of it.

Stop This Train- John Mayer
Though, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it

Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Stop this trainI wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I will never stop this train

Sunday, June 24, 2007


I've always liked my vices and, while I have, fortunately, never had the opportunity to indulge in any and every vice I've ever wanted to try, I have tried to try those that were available to me. But I've always tried to balance out my vices and bad habits with other things. For example, I don't think that my family much minded my eccentric teenage interests and my serious boyfriends because I was also a straight A student who held down a job too. As I got older and dyed my hair different colors, got multiple piercings and tatooes, came out, etc, my family was pretty accepting because I wasn't getting into any kind of trouble. (Not that any of those things listed above are vices, just showing how I tried to balance it out.) I currently live under my parents' roof (though I'm staying with my grandparents helping them this summer) and it is pretty easy because they don't mind when I indulge in my vices, as long as I do so quietly. They know I drink, sometimes smoke (though never in their house), go out to the bar, and have sex. My other biggest vice is eating, which I'm trying to work on curbing but I'm a sucker for good food, and even not-so-good food that my body has gotten used to--mostly fast food.

But, even without ever having succumb to the extreme debauchery and over-indulgence of most people I know, at 25, I'm suffering the physical consequences of my vices. About four years ago, I developed horrible acid reflux, probably from gaining weight, which has now morphed into a condition where combinations of stress, greasy food, smoking, and/or drinking will cause me to feel like my ribs are about 3 sizes too small. It's painful and, if I didn't know what it was because of my mom's experience with similar feelings, I would think was a heart attack. While I started actively working on getting healthier and loosing weight in October of last year, the first "episode" did not occur until Christmas Day, after two days of rich, heavy, greasy foods, alcohol, and chocolate. Between then and June, I'd probably had four more episodes, usually because of some combination of poor eating and alcohol and stress. I've also discovered that my stomach does not like red wine and that I can't eat movie theater popcorn without spending massive amounts of time in the bathroom afterwards, which really sucks because I LOVE movie theater popcorn, especially at AMC where they let you put your own massive amounts of butter and salt on it.

But I was hoping that while i was here taking care of my grandparents, I would be able to indulge a little bit to take some of the edge off the current situation. No such luck. In the two weeks I've been here, I've had four episodes. I'm sure stress played a role in all of them. The first one happened the day after I got here, on Friday. I had eaten a large Jack in the Box combo and a chocolate shake the night before, so I shouldn't have been surprised when that came back to bite me in the ass. Then, I got a bladder infection from a combination of messing around with someone knew (my body has to adjust to new people), having to hold it when I had to pee for hours, and drinking too much alcohol without enough water later for the better part of 4 days. This was about Wednesday morning. My next chest episode occured after a large lunch at IHOP, which left me just as quickly as I ate it, followed by a too-large Mexican dinner and a margarita that night. This was Thursday. Things went ok for a few days. I ate only things I made at home for myself. I drank nothing but water and cranberry juice. Then, things went crazy at the hospital and my Grandma was very upset and I'd just wolfed down a Arby's combo and a Mt Dew, so I had another attack. This was Monday. Last night, on my way home from the hospital, I decided to have a couple of cigarettes on my way home. Within ten minutes, I was having another episode.

Ok, so I can't eat fast food (or even anything I haven't made at home pretty much). I can't drink alcohol. I can't smoke. And my sex life was going really great and being my primary way to blow off steam, but it is largely up in the air right now.

So, what vices do I have left??? If you want to comment, let me know what your vices are. Maybe I'll pick up a bad habit from you.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Mon Parrain

I try to blog semi-pseudonymously, so I prefer to give those close to me pseudonyms so that it is easier to write about them without having to use their names. Sir already had his pseudonym, a nickname stemming from the fact that flirty waitresses always call his friends "honey" and "suger", but they call him "Sir." Most exes get ex-[first letter of first name], but that will eventually get confusing to myself and my readers as I rack up exes.

I currently have a...person in my life, who's exact relationship to me is rather vague at this point, though our interactions are far from vague. I was going to let him chose his own psuedonym, but, as he is a busy man with a great deal on his plate right now, I used his initials to chose for him a nickname that is French. The first part was easy. First letter, first name=M. Just use the French word MON, meaning "my" for a masculine subject. Then I went through French words that start with P and found PARRAIN=godfather or sponsor. I thought that fitting for our current relationship, no matter what direction it turns in the near future. I hope he appreciates it.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Quick Note on "Waitress"

In the movie Waitress, the main character Jenna's abusive controlling husband Earl drives a dark blue Dodge Dynasty. As soon as I saw that car in the movie, I realized why he was probably a jerk. Because there are only FIVE presets on the stereo and no SEEK buttons. That's right. You can only preset it for FIVE stations and then you have to turn the dial each individual .2 spaces to go up or down to any other stations. This is especially annoying when you are not in your home listening area and you don't know where any of the stations are. So I can almost understand why he was in such a bad mood all the time in that car.

*While I'm here, I'm driving my grandmother's burgandy Dodge Dynasty, while she gets to drive the leather interiored brand new Kia, which did smell like new car, until she started smoking a pack of cigarettes each way up and back from the hospital. But that car will get up and go! Oh well.*

Oh My Goddess, I Feel So Butch Today!

Today I...

  • Put together my grandma's new bed (which she had originally called her nephew-in-law and his son-in-law to do)
  • Filled up my grandma's car (and was the first one to figure out how to make the gas door work properly)
  • Broke down the box the bed came in with the world's oldest box cutter
Ok, so it doesn't sound like much, but, with my grandma who doesn't really like for me to do anything at all masculine, it's a big deal. When I bought her a new answering machine, she asked my new "friend" to put it in. So I feel very butch and in charge and competent right now.


I read recently on someone's myspace blog about one of the ways in which they "test" potential romantic interests. It basically involved texting them, asking what they were doing on a day when the blogger was free and then observing a) how long it took them to answer back and b) if they jumped at the opportunity to hang out, if they didn't have anything else planned prior. And I understand doing this. It is a simple way to get some idea of another person's interest in you and how high or low of a priority you might be to them at this point.

I however find I get tested in an opposite fashion by people who are interested in me. I might be paranoid and think everyone is doing this just because I know of one previous interest who tested me this way, but I obviously don't think so. I feel like I am tested on how long I can leave someone alone for. My interest knows that I am interested and has shown my that they are interested. I think they want to test how long I can trust the interest they have shown in me before I need it confirmed again. This might be something particular to straight men, as I've never really gotten to pursue anything with a stud/butch woman. But it seems to me that their attitude is that everyone should assume that everything stays the same, feelings, emotions, desires, in that period of time where there is no contact. If something were to change, then contact would be immediately resumed for them to tell you that, or for you to tell them that. In my experience, all these men have stressed how UNLIKE other men they are, so thus you should trust them when they say how they feel about you and you should trust them that when they are away or incommunicado (with no real explanation beforehand) they aren't just avoiding you because they don't like you anymore like other guys might do. And it's been my experience that they still do feel the same way about you when they come back/are once again in communication with you as before. Except that if you bug them during this unspecified, unannounced, trial by fire that you aren't aware is going on, they will make judgements about how clingy you are. And you might be clingy. You might be insecure. Or you might just want to not drag out something that they might be ending by not contacting you when it could just be over and done with and you could be out trolling the bars for your next hookup. (Ok, so it is probably the first two options, clinginess and insecurity, in my case, but there is always the possibility that it is the third...) No matter how long I try to hold out, I always seem to fail.

As for me, my tests are pretty typical girl/femme tests. Because an ex I had spoiled me, I really really love it when someone opens my car door. (It doesn't hurt if they lean in and kiss me before closing it either.) I also like spontaneous visits, just because you were in the area and knew I'd be someone where (or you weren't in the area but knew I'd be there and had the time.) I also love phone calls when I wasn't expecting to talk to you because I knew you had another thing going, but you called because you knew I'd had a hard day.

*Funny thing in that paragraph up there...I started with a general someone, with someone I don't know, and somehow I got into "you" as if there was a "you" I was talking about....Hmmm*

I wonder how other people "test". Feel free to comment on this.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Tuesday Night at the Movies

(I really should be in bed....but I wanted to blog about my night and the movies I saw first. I might have even more to say about these movies later when I'm not so tired and time-crunched.)

Today was a REALLY good day at the hospital for my grandfather and I checked my bank account only to find that I had more money than I thought, so I decided to take myself out to two movies after I left the hospital today. The local 18-plex is right on the way home as well, so I had lots to choose from.

The first movie I saw was Spiderman 3. I was thoroughly unimpressed. There was some pretty good fight scenes, but I've noticed lately in action movies that the fight scenes seem to me to be going so fast that I can't really take in all that is going on. Maybe I'm getting too old. My biggest problem was that there were way too many storylines all going on at once for me to really get passionate about any of them. Then there is Tobey Macguire's eyes. I'd never noticed how big and kinda buggy they are. It annoyed the crap out of me the whole movie. Topher Grace is 100x cuter and more charismatic, though I thought it was kinda unChristian of his character to pray for God to kill Peter Parker.

*Paragraph contains spoilers***Of course, this movie did bring up some questions that I had never really thought about when watching movies, especially superhero movies. A few years ago, the animated film The Incredibles brought to light the financial havoc that can be result from supervillians and superheroes fighting. Thus, I always wonder now who is going to clean up the messes that these fights leave and what effect these fights have on the everyday people living around the fight area. But this movie made me think of the emotional havoc that happens to these characters. Because these people have superpowers, the actions and reprucussions are magnified. Also, villians and heroes always seem to have some personal connection to each other. When Harry gets his memory back and decides to go after Spiderman again for killing his dad, the original Green Goblin, he breaks into the apartment of Mary Jane, the chick he just kissed and has loved all his life, and throws her into the wall by grabbing her by the neck. Then Black Spiderman and Harry have a knockdown, dragout fight after Parker realizes Harry has been manipulating him. How then can Parker go back to Harry, all buddy buddy, trying to get his help to save Mary Jane? How can they both forget that they almost killed each other? As Harry lays dying, both MJ and Parker act like he's their bestfriend again. Have they forgotten all the assaults??? Maybe this only bothers me.

The second movie I went to see was Waitress. Though it was made as just a small indie, it has gotten a much wider release, I would like to think all on its own merits, but I'm sure it hasn't hurt the movie that there is a tragic story surrounding the murder last November of the writer/director of the movie Adrienne Shelley (who also has a role in the film). No matter why it has gotten this larger release, I'm glad it has. It is an amazing, funny, bittersweet, smart, simple film with superb acting by Keri Russell and Matt Fillion. Andy Griffith was amazing in it as well and reminded me of my grandpa in some ways. Shelley wrote the movie after having her first child, a daughter. She was very afraid that having a child would ruin her artistic abilities, but instead found that having the child broadened and deepened her experience and her art. Obviously, since I'm not all about having children anytime soon and don't know if I'll ever birth any children, I took away a different lesson than the "wonderful baby changes life for the great" message. I really enjoyed the relationship that Jenna had with her doctor. It starts out as an affair. She is drawn to him because he is the opposite of her husband. He is drawn to her because of her beauty and sadness and pies. But then they become really good friends as well as lovers. The movie shows Jenna talking to him on the phone a good deal and she says that it is a long conversation about her life and how it feels to feel so trapped and be poor and be a woman stuck. She says that he is the first bestfriend that she has ever had. Though their relationship can't and doesn't last, it shows the transformative power of having people in your life showing/telling you that you are special while also just allowing you to be yourself, not making you be someone else or hoping you'll be someone else. The ways that the doctor describes Jenna is echoed in the way that Andy Griffith describes her, what he sees in her as a much older man who's lived his full life and sees in her so much more than she sees in herself. Because of my own experiences recently, this resonated the strongest with me. These relationships don't have to last forever to change us and transform how we see ourselves. But I also refuse to believe that I have to have a baby for that transformation to be complete.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Damn, It's Been a Good Day

My uncle is out of surgery with the best possible outcome. They got all the tumor, didn't have to cut any of his muscle tissue, and he won't have to do chemo or radiation.

My grandfather, who was very weak and dehydrated and probably fighting an infection two days ago, is very lucid and active, overall much better. We will still have some hard months with the rehab, trying to reconnect all the things in his brain that were discombobulated by the bleed, but he's doing much better now than two days ago.

In the course of fieling calls at my grandmother's house today, I talked to my other uncle, who I don't think I've talked to in years. It was good hearing his voice and good to hear that he is proud of me.

I GOT THE JOB!!!! I had applied and interviewed for a job at school and I got the phone call today telling me that I got it.

I got to hang out with my new friend and had a WONDERFUL AMAZING time.

It's been a good day. Thank the goddess for small favors.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


I have a new "friend" and I want to buy a special ringtone for this person. But this got me to thinking about how many people actually know what ringtone their friend/relative/significant other has assigned to them. It's not like they are around to hear the phone ringing their ringtone, or why would they be calling in the first place? I had a co-worker who assigned Coheed and Cambria's "The Suffering" to her girlfriend. (The title alone should tell you it isn't the song to assign to your SO.) And, to those who don't know, the lyrics on the ringtone are, "(Boy) Listen well, will you marry me?/ (Girl) Not now boy/ (Boy) And are you well in your suffering?/ (Girl) You've been/ (Boy) The most gracious of hosts/ You may be invited girl but you're not coming in." The girl later told me that her girlfriend really like Coheed and Cambria and that song and that, also, the girl had never really paid that much attention to the lyrics. In fact, she always focused more on the music of a song than the lyrics.

So, to you, my intrepid readers, what would you want your ringtone to be on the phones of your friends and on your lover's phone?

I will answer as soon as I figure it out myself and I'll, of course, share what I pick for my new "friend".

When you can't walk...

"When you can't walk, you crawl, and when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you." - Firefly

As anyone who reads my blog knows, life is kinda crazy right now for me and my family. But tonight I was thinking of this quote from the TV show Firefly and how appropo it was for our current situation. It seems like even those of us who are doing the carrying have those there to carry us as well. Thank the goddess.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Trouble With Edge Play by Anna Bergman

I really hope the author doesn't mind me totally ripping off her work, but I read this amazing poem in Other Magazine and I had to share it with all those friends of mine out there who either know what she is writing about or who, like me, really wish they did.

The Trouble with Edge Play
is falling off the edge so
I wake up determined
to polish the silver, handwash
my lace things and go
to a twelve step meeting if I can only decide
which one Endorphin Addicts United?
Tranny Chasers Anonymous?
Tapestry of High Stimulus Junkies that want too much
and think what they give up
might get it?

The trouble with edge play being
born with an edge that I can't take off--
and I got a weakness
for the mean ones with rough hands and ripped
hearts and I got a prediliction
to go anywhere that I haven't before
so I wind up shivering just
before dawn on the front steps
of a house there is no way
I would wait for a cab inside-writing 100 times
on that internal chalkboard I will not think with my pussy,
I will not think with my pussy, I will not
wind up as the star of the lesbian remake
of "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" but somehow the gender fucked
fucked with my head, somehow my ability
to be the femme who wants you how you are, makes you
hard and wet, makes the straight guys jealous
somehow that ability
to be the femme you can be act and do
whatever you want with
made me the graduation gift hot wheels
ran into the ground and crashed
by September- and I tell myself the trouble with edge play
is big dogs bite, matches
burn if you play with them
and if you entice people
to act how they want they will
and I get fucked by your friends on a fooz ball table
you're the stud
and I'm the whore not the good kind either
and if I bring oyu hot chocolate in bed wearing
fluffy mules and a teddy
you're gonna think I should
shut up when you tell me to
if I want to see how much of a girl I can be for you
you'll want to seee how much of a dick you can be
for you and

I might haunt shopping malls searching
for do it yourself chastity belt kits
but there's always another
Marlon Brando type
and I've got an appetite
that utterly eclipses my size
The trouble with edge play--

I wake up thinking- take me back to the 50s
no make that 40s, the clothes flatter me more
I'll abide by an arbitrary code of conduct
if other people have to also
I want a scrapbook of corsages
and an acknowledged
double standard I want it above the belt
only like i could convince anyone
that was true

and I start plotting
to carjack a suburban matron
I won't hurt you I just want to trade lives...
I'll take Justin
to clarinet lessons and Ashley
to ballet, she can try to balance of this edge I keep falling off
she can take this sex life that's greatest value comes
from amusing my friends, I'll frost
my hair and go to Pilates after
a triple chai latter at Starbucks I'll be
a housewife for real and promise not to
live out any fantasies with pool boys
and electricians This is the
rock bottom bargaining phase
of a trophy girl gone chipped and dusty Turn down
my thermostat Blunt my edge Make me want
simple Make me want less Make me want
anything other than staying here looking down
where I can't see the end of it wanting to fly.

Romeo and Juliet-Indigo Girls

Someone told me today that if my life were a movie, this would be the song that played when I first saw them in the flesh, or at least the first verse. Let's hope that it is just the first verse and that the time really is right.

A love struck romeo
Sings the streets a serenade
Now hes laying everybody low
Hes got a love song that he made
He finds a streetlight
And he steps out of the shade
And says something like
You and me, babe, how about it?

Juliet says hey, its romeo!
You nearly give me a heart attack!
Yeah well, hes underneath the window
Now shes singing hey-la, my boyfriends back
You shouldnt come around here
Singing up at people like that
Ah anyway, whatcha gonna do about it?
The dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded into my heart
And I forget, I forget the movie song
When you gonna realize
It was just that the time was wrong
We both come up on different streets
And they both were streets of shame
You know theyre both dirty both mean
Yes and the dreams were the same
And I dreamed your dream for you
And now your dream is real
So tell me honey
Now how can you look at me
As if I was just another one of your deals
Now you can fall for chains of silver
And you can fall for chains of gold
You know you fall for pretty strangers
And the promises they hold
Well you promised me everything
And then you promised me thick and thin
Now you just turn away and say
Romeo, I think I used to have a scene with him.
Ah juliet
When we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above
Gonna love you till I die
Theres a place for us
I you know this song
Now when you gonna realize
It was just that the time was wrong
But I cant do the talks like they talk on my tv screen
I cant do a love song not the way you song them to me
I cant do everything but I would do anything for you
Oh no I cant do anything except be in love with you
Yeah now and all I do is miss you
And the way it used to be you know
And all I do is keep the beat
I keep bad, bad company
And all I do is kiss you
Through the bars of a rhyme
When julie Id do the stars with you
Ah juliet
When we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above
Im gonna love you till I die
Theres a place for us
I know you know the movie song
One day were gonna realize
It was just that the time was wrong
Now this love struck romeo
He sings the streets a serenade
Now hes laying everybody low
Hes got a love song he made
He finds a convenient streetlight
And hell step out of the shade
And hell say something like
You and me, babe, how bout it?

Songs about me...

I was asked today by someone what music would be playing when we first met, if their life was a movie. The first song was my first instinct, but I thought it might be a little too much. Though all I could think of was this scene from a Veronica Mars episode where she sings this in karaoke and is totally hot doing it. The other songs are the ones I finally submitted.

One Way or Another-Blondie
One way or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna win ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna see ya
I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha

I will drive past your house
And if the lights are all down
I'll see who's around

One way or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna win ya
I'll getcha, I'll getcha
One way or another I'm gonna see ya
I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha

And if the lights are all out
I'll follow your bus downtown
See who's hanging out

One way or another I'm gonna lose ya
I'm gonna give you the slip, a slip of the lip or another
I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya
One way or another I'm gonna lose ya
I'm gonna trick ya trick ya trick ya trick ya
One way or another I'm gonna lose ya
I'm gonna give you the slip

I'll walk down the mall
Stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all
Find out who ya call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout
Some specials and rat food, get lost in the crowd

One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha,
I'll getcha getcha getcha getcha(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)
One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha,
I'll getcha getcha getcha getcha(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)
One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha,
I'll getcha getcha getcha getcha(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)

Joyful Girl- Ani DiFranco
i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

Falling for the First Time- Barenaked Ladies
I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser
I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
It's so strange, I can't believe it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection?
Maybe the worst is behind
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

Promise-Eve 6
Sleeping through the evening
Singing dreams inside my head
Im heading out
Ive got some ends who say they care
And they just might
Run away with youIf things dont go as planned
Plannin big could be a gamble
Ive already rolled the dice

I spit and stutter stuff and clutter
Worries in my worried corner
Just untrusted
Sometimes brilliant trusted thoughts
Think ill stay for a while
Im intrigued and im
Red as a newborn white as a corpse

I promise not to try not to f*** with your mind
I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
I promise not to lie if Im looking you straight in the eye
I promise not to lie and not to let you down

I am elated
I am all smiled and dated
In my man bites dog town
With a spanish name
I am my own bone
I am two toned
Red as a newborn white as a corpse

I promise not to try not to f*** with your mind
I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
I promise not to lie if Im looking you straight in the eye
I promise not to try not to let you down
Girl let me down

Why do you gotta keep the fan on high when its cold outside?
Just wanna let you know Im still a fan get it
Everybody wants charm in a smile and a promise
Promise not to try___________

I promise not to try not to f*** with your mind
I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
I promise not to lie if Im looking you straight in the eye
I promise not to try not to not to leave____________(promise not to try)
Not to leave(promise not to try)
Not to not to leave-yay(promise not to try)
I wont leave
I wont leave

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


One of the biggest movie premieres at the recent Cannes film festival was that of A Mighty Heart, starring Angelina Jolie. It is based on the book (and true-life story) of Mariane Pearl, the wife of slain journalist Daniel Pearl, who was pregnant at the time of his kidnapping in Afghanistan. I have to say that I think this is an amazing story and the movie looks like it is amazing and really highlights all of Mariane Pearl's efforts to find her husband.

But something has been really bothering me since they announced that Angelina Jolie would star in this movie as Mariane Pearl. It is quite obvious to me that Mariane Pearl is not caucasian. She is a bi-racial woman. I have heard several times that Mariane Pearl personally chose Angelina Jolie to play her and that the two families have grown very close. But, despite Mariane Pearl's preferance that she be played by Angelina Jolie in this movie adaptation, I find it somewhat disturbing that a black woman or a bi-racial woman was not chosen to fill this role. While large strides have been made in the past few decades to cast more people of color in movies and television, there is no doubt in my mind that minorities are not represented (and especially not accurately represented) in popular media in the same percentages as they appear in our country. This is why I feel like, more than ever, popular culture should, when trying to recreate a part of a real person of color's life, cast people of the same color.

In many ways this argument taps into another area in which I disagree with Hollywood casting: the casting of LGBT roles. As gay and lesbian roles go, there is a double edged sword here. Many actors/actresses do not want to come out of the closet because they feel they will forever be known as that gay actor/lesbian actress and that they may only be offered gay/lesbian roles in the future. So there are very few openly gay/lesbian actors/actresses. This in turn leads, many times, to big studios casting straight actors/actresses to these roles in big pictures that they hope to make loads of money on. They want well-known, big name actors/actresses to fill these roles, hoping that their names alone will bring in a significant amount of viewers. But if there are no well-known, big name gay actors/lesbian actresses, they tend not to cast an actor/actress who is openly gay or lesbian. It's a catch-22 for gay actors/lesbian actresses.

What bothers me just as much is the way that most transgendered characters are cast. I don't think I've ever seen a transgendered person cast in a transgender role. Never. For movies about MTF transgendered people, usually they cast people who are biologically female, like Felicity Huffman in Transamerica. This is especially true the more mainstream the movie or tv show is supposed to be. When a bio male is cast in the role, it is usually to bring attention to the fact that the character can't pass as female, and is thus not really sucessfully transitioning into a female. Here I'm thinking of To Wong Foo, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, and Hedwig. On the other hand, I can think of very few movies about FTM transgendered people, though they almost always cast bio females who are able to sucessfully pass in the movie, which seems to be to be a little bit better, but they still never cast transgendered people.

While I know that Hollywood casting is based on financial concerns surrounding how much money that actor/actress can bring in as well as their acting ability, their ability to accurately portray that character/person, I really wish that casting was truer to a character's ethnic background and/or gender expression.