Monday, November 21, 2005

Seasons of Love

Another week of ten hour days. I was bone tired because I stayed up too late. But I feel good emotionally. Better than usual. Biggest part is waking up to "Seasons of Love" from the Rent Soundtrack. We all need breakshit and angry punk music, but there is something to be said for waking up to something sweet and inspirational.

Second is, while listening to that song last night coming home, I realized that I shouldn't be complaining so much about the holidays with my family. Sure, we are gonna be extra-busy doing ALL the decorating at my grandmother's house, but my grandparents can't do it themselves so we should pitch in. Also, it is better to be really busy than have no one and nowhere to enjoy the holidays. It suddenly occured to me that all our big holidays lead up to the new year. You get a fresh start on New Year's Day, but first you get to mull over the past year during the holidays. Think about Christmas cards of old that contained news of all the important events from the past year, especially for people you don't see very often with a new picture of your family on the front. Also, for families that are spread out all over the country, the holidays may be the only time they are get together in the same place at the same time. Now that the internet and e-mail and cell phones and unlimited long-distance allow you instant and intimate communication with everyone, one has to work to NOT be in touch and to have something new to say.

Seasons of Love-Rent
COMPANY525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes -
how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes -
how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.

SOLOIST 1 525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
SOLOIST 2 In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

COMPANYIt’s time now to sing out,
though the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love!
Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

Story Ideas

-Ex-J sees me as I am now. At first, he only thinks I look familiar. He doesn't talk to me and I don't see him. Should it be a crowded or relatively empty place? Am I with friends, a lover, or just focused on something else?
-Ex-J sees me as I want to become, still pierced and tattooed, but butcher, leaner and more muscled. Same questions as above + what does he look like now?

Update: I have started writting the first one. May post later. We'll see.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Tango Maureen-Rent

Tango: Maureen - RENT
MARK The lot. Where a stage is partially set up
JOANNE I Told Her Not To Call You
MARK That's Maureen But Can I Help Since I'm Here
JOANNE I Hired An Engineer ...
MARK Great! Well, Nice To Have Met You
JOANNE Wait! She's Three Hours Late
The Samples Wont Delay
But The Cable -
MARK There's Another Way
Say Something - Anything
JOANNE Test - One, Two Three ...
MARK Anything But That
JOANNE This Is Weird
MARK It's Weird
JOANNE Very Weird
MARK Fuckin' Weird
JOANNE I'm So Mad That I Don't Know What To Do
Fighting With Microphones
Freezing Down To My Bones
And To Top It All Off
I'm With You
MARK Feel Like Going Insane?
Got A Fire In Your Brain?
And Your Thinking Of Drinking Gasoline?
JOANNE As A Matter Of Fact --
MARK Honey, I Know This Act
It's Called The 'Tango Maureen'

The Tango Maureen
It's A Dark, Dizzy Merry-Go-Round
As She Keeps You Dangling
JOANNE You're Wrong
MARK Your Heart She Is Mangling
JOANNE It's Different With Me
MARK And You Toss And You Turn
'Cause Her Cold Eyes Can Burn
Yet You Yearn And You Churn And Rebound
JOANNE I Think I Know What You Mean
BOTH The Tango Maureen

MARK Has She Ever Pouted Her Lips
And Called You 'Pookie'
MARK Have You Ever Doubted A Kiss Or Two?
JOANNE This Is Spooky
Did You Swoon When She Walked Through The Door?
MARK Every Time - So Be Cautious
JOANNE Did She Moon Over Other Boys--?
MARK More Than Moon--
JOANNE I'm Getting Nauseous
(They dance)
MARK It's hard to do this backwards
JOANNE You should try it in heels!

She Cheated
MARK She Cheated
JOANNE Maureen Cheated
MARK Fuckin' Cheated
JOANNE I'm Defeated
I Should Give Up Right Now
MARK Gotta Look On The Bright Side With All Of Your Might
JOANNE I'd Fall For Her Still Anyhow

BOTH When Your Dancing Her Dance
You Don't Stand A Chance
Her Grip Of Romance Makes You Fall
MARK So You Think, 'Might As Well'
JOANNE "Dance A Tango To Hell"
BOTH 'At Least I'll Have Tangoed At All'

The Tango Maureen
Gotta Dance Til Your Diva Is Through
You Pretend To Believe Her
Cause In The End - You Can't Leave Her
But The End It Will Come
Still You Have To Play Dumb
Til You're Glum And You Bum And Turn Blue

MARK Why Do We Love When She's Mean?
JOANNE And She Can Be So Obscene
MARK Try The Mic
JOANNE My Maureen (een, een, een...)

MARK Patched
MARK You Know - I Feel Great Now!
JOANNE I Fell Lousy
BOTH The Tango: Maureen!

A friend made me a copy of her Rent disks, and though I'd seen it live once, I wanted to get more acquainted with the songs so I've been listening to them as I drive through the cave to work (where I get no radio reception). I listened to this song this morning. At the time, I thought, This was the girl that I used to wish I was, loved and desired desperately and against all reason by both sexes. To be honest, I actually trying to get over wanting to be that. Now, as I was copying this, and I noticed the cheating line, I realized I was Maureen and I still wasn't happy.

Monday, November 14, 2005

What is the 'real you'?

What is the 'real you'? Buddhist book says everyone's true nature is Buddha-nature, but that Buddha-nature is displayed differently in everyone. But then how is it all Buddha-nature? Is the real you something deep down inside? What if inside is a bad person, like a sociopath? Should you still be the real you if you are deep down a sociapathic criminal mastermind? But if you strive to be something that is not the real you will you ever suceed? Like are 'ex-gays' really no longer gay because they strive not to be or are they just not practicing homosexuality while still being homosexual which is living a lie??? [On this topic, I personally believe the latter, but I don't know if this applies to everything in the same way.] Also, how much of the current 'you' is a coping mechanisms & habits & peer pressure & self-pressure? How far back does one have to go to find the real, unpolluted self? What, if anything, is left when you remove the current you that you've become because of all your past experiences and habits, etc?

According to the Buddhist perspective, it would seem that if we are all deep down Buddha-natured, and Buddha-nature is good & true & awakened to reality, then deep down that is what we are when we get rid of all the past and our illusions and our pointless striving. This should be true even of the sociopaths and serial killers. I wonder if Lama Surya Das thinks that the worst of the sociopathic criminals can change and realize their true Buddha-nature, especially in this lifetime?

I suppose the more important question for me is if I can change during this lifetime.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Portions for Foxes---Rilo Kiley

There's blood in my mouth
'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash
but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control for a walking corpse like me - like you
'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Story Idea from Last Week

(I swear I thought of this before last Thursday's similarly themed CSI episode.)
Guy who thinks girlfriend's pregnancy is immaculate conception because they haven't had sex and he is sure that she has not cheated on him. Boyfriend is unreligious but becomes religious because of this. One of them works in a hospital, but not as a nurse or doctor, and they sneak an ultrasound. Unreliable narrator in the boyfriend. Is it a false positive? psychosomatic? cheating? turkey baister?

Work Crush-Where Does She Go?

It is just after lunch. I take my lunch early so I can be the first at the microwaves and enjoy the peace of the quiet empty room. I come back to work when everyone comes back to lunch. This also means that I get to work for a half an hour in quiet, since everyone is gone.

I have a little crush on the girl who sits in the far corner of our work area. She's five rows away but we face each other. I never catch her looking at me. As I watch her empty seat, I wonder where she goes during our breaks. She's not in the lunch room. I've seen her go out to the parking lot, like all the smokers do, but she doesn't stop in the smoking area or carry cigarettes. Does she sit in her car? Go for a walk? The coworker next to me knows of my crush and is encouraging me to find out on our next break where she goes. I'm afraid I'll seem like I'm stalking her. But I am really curious about where she goes.

Importance of Rituals

In the morning, I do everything in roughly the same order and with the same timing. This morning I made this new hot tea my mother bought me instead of grabbing a cold soda out of the frig. On my way to work, I realized I would have to start making the tea earlier in order to let it fully steep and drink it all before work. At first, morning routines are all about finding the correct timing to ensure that you fit it all in before you have to leave and arrive at work on time. Then, with repetition, they become rituals, providing comfort and become the way to cue your body and mind that it is time to awaken and work.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Actually exercised today. I have exercised, in some way, for every day for about two weeks or so. It helps me to blow off some steam after work, which isn't really stressful, just irratingly boring. My mom suggested that I use this stretchy belt thing that is supposed to help reduce cellulite, to help with my fat stomach pulling on my back while I'm walking on the treadmill. It really helped my back!!! I don't know if it will really help me lose weight or inches but it relieves the stress on my back. The only downside is that, when I took the belt off, I once again realized just how fat I am. Hopefully, I'm working on that.

Little Surprises

It's weird enjoying things you thought you outgrew. Like car rides with hip hop turned full blast with people I don't really know well. Today I went to lunch with three co-workers (two of them work opposite me and were hired at the same time as I was, the other lady is one of the first two's sister-in-law). We drove in the sister-in-law's new very large sedan with leather seats. As soon as we were out of the cave the radio came on and she blasted it. Before we left, I was actually dreading thirty minutes of blasting rap music, but I enjoyed being out of the cave, the fresh air, and the comraderie, just chilling in the plush car with music so loud it shook me. I haven't had an experience like that since I was a kid in Chicago, when we would all have to ride in someone's parent's car some place and we'd end up with the cool parent who let their kid play whatever music they wanted as loud as they wanted. It isn't "me" perse, but I really enjoyed the experience.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Going Public

Ok, so when I started this thing, I was mostly thinking of it as a written diary that I could share with T across all the miles between my moderately-sized Midwestern city and his slightly-larger Midwestern city some 300 miles away. But tonight I quibbled with T over our own ideas of internet privacy. I thought he was un-cautious for putting his last name in his blog name. He thought I was paranoid to think that something bad might come out of not being as anonymous as possible on the web. (He apologized in the end.) Maybe we were both right. So I decided to put my blog up on We'll see if anyone comes, but at least I'm opening myself up to people other than T.

Nine 1/2 Hours

So, another long day. I didn't make it all day though. For the first hour or so, the computers were still very very sluggish so I didn't get much work done, though I didn't get much thinking done either. I think this job shuts down your brain. Overall, a total waste of a day. Didn't exercise. Quibbled with T. Going to bed early tonight and working for a better tomorrow.

Story Idea

Story of settling
Not someone who has high hopes and dreams but learns simple life is better and more fulfilling
Not someone with clearly defined hopes and dreams and aspirations
Settling seems inevitable, maybe protagonist doesn't even realize he/she is settling

In addition: Good character name -Josette

Monday, November 07, 2005

Ten hours a day and what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt...

So, the new job is not the fount of new ideas that I thought it would be, though I am trying to write at least a little bit each day, not all of it even fit to print in this rather anonymous blog. We're working 10 hour days this week, or at least we are expected to, since we have an unpaid holiday Friday for Veteran's Day. This first day was not as bad as I had thought, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want a four ten-hour day a week job. But I understand more and more why working men and women don't really do anything profound outside of their jobs. I want to just come home and veg out!!! In addition to working, I'm trying to exercise everyday, even if it is just some weight lifting and sit-ups while I am watching TV, and eat less and better. T is pushing me for some profound thought, now that he has more time in his new place of residence which is much closer to his work. Maybe he should provide the profound thought for a while. Or he could provide a profound thought tonight that I could take with me to work tomorrow to help me generate my own profound thoughts. Take care.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Sorry for my silence

Sorry for my long silence. I have been trying to adjust myself to a normal day schedule (after working six months second shift). I am working a very long term temp job doing brainless data entry, so I have lots of time for the creative part of my head to work, so I should be posting more often. Also, this job has given me some other revelations, which tie into the rest of this post, which I wrote at work yesterday, but I don't have time to articulate it right now. Here is something to tide you over.

  • factory of data entry
  • like meditation, my mind writes stories while my body types data
  • try to imagine the lives the numbers represent
  • try to imagine the lives of those around me, wonder if they can imagine mine
  • miss the familiar feel of my cell phone in my right front pocket, sometimes the nerves there in my leg twitch, making me believe my phantom phone is ringing
  • A life I could have had, probably almost did. Was it T that changed it all? all the 'what-ifs'- what if I had stayed with ex-T, moved to slightly bigger midwest city to live with him? Would he have grown up faster or just become a kid with a kid? What about if I had stayed with and gotten pregnant by ex-J? Would it have been a lesbian drama where I ran away with DarkLesbian and the baby?
  • All the rules, what purpose do they serve? What does it matter that you can wear your own clothes when your every move is scheduled and monitored? When every act that doesn't conform is an act of rebellion? Maybe I don't blame the girl next to me for talking the last HOUR before lunch and doing NO work. How can I begrudge her any entertainment when I now can't do anything but look at my blank desktop screen because the servers are down and I can't read at my desk or do anything else? These rules don't promote me to be a good worker. I guess they aren't supposed to. They assume everyone is a terrible worker and seek to curb their bad behavior to make them at least mediocre. How can they not ONLY meet the only expectations given them? How can I not only meet the only thing they expect of me?
  • Wondering how this information will be used. Govt. lawsuit vs. Native Americans. Who's side do I agree with? Does it matter? Am I less of a hypocrit than the gays who work for gay-hating Christian conservative organizations because I make less money, have a less prestigous job?
  • Only two days and I already miss non-working life, or not-working-here life
  • An hour left on my second day, and I'm wondering if this drudgery is what the rest of my life is going to be like. I have to make it more than this, more fulfilling. Maybe the job doesn't need to be fulfilling, just what I do outside. But can't the job kinda deaden you to the fulfillment of the rest of your life? Like my parents, or T's parents?