Thursday, December 22, 2005

You're My Better Half- Keith Urban

"You're My Better Half"
Car door slams,
it's been a long day at work
I'm out on the freeway and
I'm wondering if it's all worth
The price that I pay,
sometimes it doesn't seem fair
I pull into the drive and you're standing there
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
You pull me close and you hold me tight

[Chorus:]It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half

They say behind every man is a good woman
But I think that's a lie
'Cause when it comes to you
I'd rather have you by my side
You don't know how much I count you to help me
When I've given everything I got
and I just feel like giving in
And you look at me
And give me that come-here-baby smile
It's all gonna be alright
You take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and you hold me tight


Well, you take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and I understand
It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe that we can make it through anything
Oh baby, it's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half
Oh, oh baby you're my better half
Ooh, hey baby you're my better half

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Life Is Short

I'm young, but getting older everyday. Almost all the girls at work have at least one kid, even those that are younger than me. But something has happened within the past day or so that makes me realize how short life is. I never want to for get this lesson. I am vowing to tell everyone I love that I love them. I am vowing to be my best and to strive everyday. I want to take chances and risks and really live.

Faithful- Common

"Faithful"(feat. Bilal, John Legend)
[sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] We got to be [sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] I want to be [sample] Faithful to thee
[Common] Yes, its for the people, God moves, yeah

[Verse 1]
I was rollin' around, in my mind it occurred
What if God was a her?
Would I treat her the same?
Would I still be runnin' game on her?
In what type of ways would I want her?
Would I want her for her mind or her heavenly body?
Couldn't be out gettin' bogus with someone so godly
If I was wit' her would I still be wantin' my ex?
The lies, the greed, the weed, the sex
Wouldn't be ashamed to give her part of my check
Wearin' her cross, I mean the heart on my neck
Her I would reflect on the streets of the Chi'
Ride wit' her, 'cause I know for me she'd die
Through good and bad call on her like I'm chirpin' her
Couldn't be jealous 'cause other brothers worship her
Walk this earth for her, glory, I'm grateful
To be in her presence I try to stay faithful

[Chorus][sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] Faithful to the end
[sample] I'd like to be her very best friend

[Verse 2]He worked with her, she was his lady's best friend
Even if they don't try some ladies test men
And this was a test that was bigger than him
Some believe its the nature that is given to men
He had a good gig, a wife, a kid, a decent home
One reason or another couldn't find peace at home
She asked, "Why do men always have to stray?"
He said, "I'm bad, not as bad as Eric Benet"
"I used to take 'em out to eat but they wasn't really eatin'
Mighta got a little head but I wasn't really cheatin'"
It's hard when your lady don't believe what you say
And what you did in the past you gotta live with today
She asked if they could spend the night together
He thought, and said, "I'm tryin' to get my life together"
Went home to his lady, these were his confessions
"Baby you a blessin' and my best friend"

What You Miss

Grieving for the loss of a relationship that I never really had, maybe more for the dream of us than the real us. I don't even fantasize about kissing others, can't imagine kissing someone new. Only fantasize about the one I do kiss, but don't really have.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


This has been a very good couple of days creatively, especially today. Is it the meditation/studying Buddhism more that is doing it? If so, what exactly is it doing? Is it calming down the worrying part of my mind so that I can think of other things? Opening me up to new ideas? Making me more compassionate so I wonder about other lifes, other's lives, other experiences? All of this? None of this?


I wonder what it would be like to not be hungry. I remember MS, my male best friend in high school. When we were still in high school, I never saw him eat. He was my date to a dance and we all went out to eat at a nice restaurant before the dance. He just pushed his food around his plate. I know he did eat, by fast food wrappers that gradually accumulated in the backseat of his car. But it was very gradual. Even later, once out of high school and in college, I saw him eat more, but that was usually fueled by weed. What was his lack of appetite driven by, or anyone for that matter? Was it psychological? Slight anorexia? A desire not to get chubby like he was before his growth spurt? A negative view of food? A picky pallet? Or just not associating food, especially unhealthy food, with good emotions?

As I struggle with trying to eat more healthy food and less junk food and just balance out everything, I wonder what it would be like to only eat out of necessity and not very often.


What came first-girls being sexualized younger and younger & trying to act sexy very young or adult men trying to hook-up with underage and very young girls? I don't want to talk about "sexualizing children at ever younger ages", which is such a conservative cliche, and totally ignores that children are curious about their bodies and sex from the time they are little, it is just a matter of how that is expressed. Throughout the ages, kids have been curious and explored that curiousity alone or with others their own age, but it seems to me that it was very innocent and naive and didn't have the "skanky" feel it does today. And I'm also not kidding myself that many children throughout time have had sexual experiences with adults, whether consenting or not or married or not. (Until recently, almost everyone was married long before we today legally allow it, except in Georgia. And it was not uncommon for a much older man to marry a teenage girl.) So is it really that different today, or does it just seem that way because the media exploits it? I watched the NBC expose on child predators on the internet where they had Perverse Justice volunteers go online and claim to be an underage boy or girl to see if they would really come to the house and make good on their online talk. Many did even though they thought the boy or girl was 13. Is there really an explosion in this kind of behavior? Is it that advertisers are targetting younger and younger girls who want to act older (sexiness connotating maturity) and have disposable income (or parents with disposable income) so they make they put this image forward for younger girls which in turn leads to this very young sexy image in the culture that men latch onto? Does it have to do with girls today looking older at younger ages? I remember when I was 10-13, getting hitting on by older boys who were 16-20 but they always stopped once they found out my age and were very embarassed. All they saw were the boobs and thought I was much older than I was, though they probably knew I was younger than them. Later, when I was 17-18, I got hit on by two 35-40 year old men who knew my age all along and were happy to exploit that. Had something changed in the collective man's mind in those 4-8 years? Or had it always been that way? I recently heard that a (sports?) radio commentator boldly said that he thinks all straight men are much more attracted to women 16-20 (even if they are underage and not in their own age range).

How has the internet changed that? Would these men have done this if the internet was not their interface for meeting these very underage partners? Would they have been the guy in Lolita anyway? Or, since the internet is a very surreal place to meet people, it becomes "let's talk to this person>talk becomes sexual so they follow it> they take up the invitation because it is there" but they never would have done it without the internet. (I don't know this side of things- I only know the side of the real 13 year old talking online to older, more experienced people, feeling like a huge freak becaue no one else around me is interested in sex.)

When did the ideal woman in advertising change from sexy-20/30 to sexy-16/20 to sexy-teen to sexy-pre-teen or sexy-pre-pubescent?

Monday, December 12, 2005

Job vs. Career

What do people expect of fresh college grads? Personally, I have yet to graduate college and am working as a data entry drone in an underground government facility for a very mediocre hourly wage and no benefits. I only work 40 hours a week and I like it that way. (Though I have to work more than 8 hours a day on weeks where we have a government mandated day off to make up my hours because I don't have paid holidays.) I don't have to take my work home with me and I get to leave it all there. I have a really good reputation with a temp agency and they always find me work. When I do graduate, unless I find a really great job editing or freelance writing, I don't want to work more than forty hours a week. Unless my job is really good or really promising, I'm not doing it. I have to have a life. Do employers think that you just graduated and don't have a family that you don't have or want a life? That your career or just this job they gave you should take up your whole exsistence? Where is the balance? Do they even believe in balance? I'd rather take an hourly job (though one with benefits) than a job like that. Do I just lack ambition? Or work ethic? Unless it is really really rewarding, I can't imagine spending the endless hours that jobs seem to expect.

Story Idea 12/12/05

After meeting the local sidekick dj, I was thinking about the difference between how I imagined him and how he really looked and acted. I kinda thought he would look like ex-J, who was a little pudgy and round, though kinda tall. Ex-J worked as dj in the very small capital city of our fine midwestern state. I don't know if he ever made it past that. I kinda hope he did, but I don't think so. I wonder about someone meeting him like that.

I Met a Celebrity!!

Ok, so not really a CELEBRITY! But I did meet someone who is more well known than me or any of my friends, beside maybe T, or Sir as he now likes to be called. The local alternative station sponsors cheap burgers and fries on Fridays at a local bar and grill out here in the suburbs of my small midwestern city. The afternoon drive-time show, which I really like, broadcasts live there every Friday. I had often wanted to go but I had no one to go there with, until just recently. These lesbians that I know go there for the cheap food on Fridays. And the scantily clad waitresses, which I did not know about at the time. (Horrible service too.) So Friday we went there. (I was supposed to meet a girl that they were trying to hook me up with, but she didn't show because her daughter got into a car accident. Can I not meet a single woman without kids around here!!!!) Anyway, this guy was passing out CDs so we flagged him down. That is when he introduced himself as the sidekick on the drive-time show. His radio name suggests that he needs to lose weight, but he is really really skinny. He was really nice and chatty (though I guess that is his job). We discussed how the alt station here was much better than the ones in T's slightly larger midwestern town. It was really cool meeting a local celebrity. I hope to get to chat him up again (not romantically but just as someone interested in music). I also feel kinda sorry for him because he seems like a nice guy and the dj always picks on him.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Short Verse

The smell of the expensive perfume burned my nose all day as I worked. It kept pulling my attention away from my work & to the gathering I was going to after work, for which I had put on my best & least used perfume. I made stupid mistakes.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Soul-sucking Life

Woke up with a migraine and called sick into work. Laid around all day. Feel like this boring ass job is sucking the life out of me.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Seasons of Love

Another week of ten hour days. I was bone tired because I stayed up too late. But I feel good emotionally. Better than usual. Biggest part is waking up to "Seasons of Love" from the Rent Soundtrack. We all need breakshit and angry punk music, but there is something to be said for waking up to something sweet and inspirational.

Second is, while listening to that song last night coming home, I realized that I shouldn't be complaining so much about the holidays with my family. Sure, we are gonna be extra-busy doing ALL the decorating at my grandmother's house, but my grandparents can't do it themselves so we should pitch in. Also, it is better to be really busy than have no one and nowhere to enjoy the holidays. It suddenly occured to me that all our big holidays lead up to the new year. You get a fresh start on New Year's Day, but first you get to mull over the past year during the holidays. Think about Christmas cards of old that contained news of all the important events from the past year, especially for people you don't see very often with a new picture of your family on the front. Also, for families that are spread out all over the country, the holidays may be the only time they are get together in the same place at the same time. Now that the internet and e-mail and cell phones and unlimited long-distance allow you instant and intimate communication with everyone, one has to work to NOT be in touch and to have something new to say.

Seasons of Love-Rent
COMPANY525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes -
how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes -
how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.

SOLOIST 1 525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
SOLOIST 2 In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

COMPANYIt’s time now to sing out,
though the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love!
Remember the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

Story Ideas

-Ex-J sees me as I am now. At first, he only thinks I look familiar. He doesn't talk to me and I don't see him. Should it be a crowded or relatively empty place? Am I with friends, a lover, or just focused on something else?
-Ex-J sees me as I want to become, still pierced and tattooed, but butcher, leaner and more muscled. Same questions as above + what does he look like now?

Update: I have started writting the first one. May post later. We'll see.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Tango Maureen-Rent

Tango: Maureen - RENT
MARK The lot. Where a stage is partially set up
JOANNE I Told Her Not To Call You
MARK That's Maureen But Can I Help Since I'm Here
JOANNE I Hired An Engineer ...
MARK Great! Well, Nice To Have Met You
JOANNE Wait! She's Three Hours Late
The Samples Wont Delay
But The Cable -
MARK There's Another Way
Say Something - Anything
JOANNE Test - One, Two Three ...
MARK Anything But That
JOANNE This Is Weird
MARK It's Weird
JOANNE Very Weird
MARK Fuckin' Weird
JOANNE I'm So Mad That I Don't Know What To Do
Fighting With Microphones
Freezing Down To My Bones
And To Top It All Off
I'm With You
MARK Feel Like Going Insane?
Got A Fire In Your Brain?
And Your Thinking Of Drinking Gasoline?
JOANNE As A Matter Of Fact --
MARK Honey, I Know This Act
It's Called The 'Tango Maureen'

The Tango Maureen
It's A Dark, Dizzy Merry-Go-Round
As She Keeps You Dangling
JOANNE You're Wrong
MARK Your Heart She Is Mangling
JOANNE It's Different With Me
MARK And You Toss And You Turn
'Cause Her Cold Eyes Can Burn
Yet You Yearn And You Churn And Rebound
JOANNE I Think I Know What You Mean
BOTH The Tango Maureen

MARK Has She Ever Pouted Her Lips
And Called You 'Pookie'
MARK Have You Ever Doubted A Kiss Or Two?
JOANNE This Is Spooky
Did You Swoon When She Walked Through The Door?
MARK Every Time - So Be Cautious
JOANNE Did She Moon Over Other Boys--?
MARK More Than Moon--
JOANNE I'm Getting Nauseous
(They dance)
MARK It's hard to do this backwards
JOANNE You should try it in heels!

She Cheated
MARK She Cheated
JOANNE Maureen Cheated
MARK Fuckin' Cheated
JOANNE I'm Defeated
I Should Give Up Right Now
MARK Gotta Look On The Bright Side With All Of Your Might
JOANNE I'd Fall For Her Still Anyhow

BOTH When Your Dancing Her Dance
You Don't Stand A Chance
Her Grip Of Romance Makes You Fall
MARK So You Think, 'Might As Well'
JOANNE "Dance A Tango To Hell"
BOTH 'At Least I'll Have Tangoed At All'

The Tango Maureen
Gotta Dance Til Your Diva Is Through
You Pretend To Believe Her
Cause In The End - You Can't Leave Her
But The End It Will Come
Still You Have To Play Dumb
Til You're Glum And You Bum And Turn Blue

MARK Why Do We Love When She's Mean?
JOANNE And She Can Be So Obscene
MARK Try The Mic
JOANNE My Maureen (een, een, een...)

MARK Patched
MARK You Know - I Feel Great Now!
JOANNE I Fell Lousy
BOTH The Tango: Maureen!

A friend made me a copy of her Rent disks, and though I'd seen it live once, I wanted to get more acquainted with the songs so I've been listening to them as I drive through the cave to work (where I get no radio reception). I listened to this song this morning. At the time, I thought, This was the girl that I used to wish I was, loved and desired desperately and against all reason by both sexes. To be honest, I actually trying to get over wanting to be that. Now, as I was copying this, and I noticed the cheating line, I realized I was Maureen and I still wasn't happy.

Monday, November 14, 2005

What is the 'real you'?

What is the 'real you'? Buddhist book says everyone's true nature is Buddha-nature, but that Buddha-nature is displayed differently in everyone. But then how is it all Buddha-nature? Is the real you something deep down inside? What if inside is a bad person, like a sociopath? Should you still be the real you if you are deep down a sociapathic criminal mastermind? But if you strive to be something that is not the real you will you ever suceed? Like are 'ex-gays' really no longer gay because they strive not to be or are they just not practicing homosexuality while still being homosexual which is living a lie??? [On this topic, I personally believe the latter, but I don't know if this applies to everything in the same way.] Also, how much of the current 'you' is a coping mechanisms & habits & peer pressure & self-pressure? How far back does one have to go to find the real, unpolluted self? What, if anything, is left when you remove the current you that you've become because of all your past experiences and habits, etc?

According to the Buddhist perspective, it would seem that if we are all deep down Buddha-natured, and Buddha-nature is good & true & awakened to reality, then deep down that is what we are when we get rid of all the past and our illusions and our pointless striving. This should be true even of the sociopaths and serial killers. I wonder if Lama Surya Das thinks that the worst of the sociopathic criminals can change and realize their true Buddha-nature, especially in this lifetime?

I suppose the more important question for me is if I can change during this lifetime.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Portions for Foxes---Rilo Kiley

There's blood in my mouth
'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash
but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control for a walking corpse like me - like you
'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Story Idea from Last Week

(I swear I thought of this before last Thursday's similarly themed CSI episode.)
Guy who thinks girlfriend's pregnancy is immaculate conception because they haven't had sex and he is sure that she has not cheated on him. Boyfriend is unreligious but becomes religious because of this. One of them works in a hospital, but not as a nurse or doctor, and they sneak an ultrasound. Unreliable narrator in the boyfriend. Is it a false positive? psychosomatic? cheating? turkey baister?

Work Crush-Where Does She Go?

It is just after lunch. I take my lunch early so I can be the first at the microwaves and enjoy the peace of the quiet empty room. I come back to work when everyone comes back to lunch. This also means that I get to work for a half an hour in quiet, since everyone is gone.

I have a little crush on the girl who sits in the far corner of our work area. She's five rows away but we face each other. I never catch her looking at me. As I watch her empty seat, I wonder where she goes during our breaks. She's not in the lunch room. I've seen her go out to the parking lot, like all the smokers do, but she doesn't stop in the smoking area or carry cigarettes. Does she sit in her car? Go for a walk? The coworker next to me knows of my crush and is encouraging me to find out on our next break where she goes. I'm afraid I'll seem like I'm stalking her. But I am really curious about where she goes.

Importance of Rituals

In the morning, I do everything in roughly the same order and with the same timing. This morning I made this new hot tea my mother bought me instead of grabbing a cold soda out of the frig. On my way to work, I realized I would have to start making the tea earlier in order to let it fully steep and drink it all before work. At first, morning routines are all about finding the correct timing to ensure that you fit it all in before you have to leave and arrive at work on time. Then, with repetition, they become rituals, providing comfort and become the way to cue your body and mind that it is time to awaken and work.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Actually exercised today. I have exercised, in some way, for every day for about two weeks or so. It helps me to blow off some steam after work, which isn't really stressful, just irratingly boring. My mom suggested that I use this stretchy belt thing that is supposed to help reduce cellulite, to help with my fat stomach pulling on my back while I'm walking on the treadmill. It really helped my back!!! I don't know if it will really help me lose weight or inches but it relieves the stress on my back. The only downside is that, when I took the belt off, I once again realized just how fat I am. Hopefully, I'm working on that.

Little Surprises

It's weird enjoying things you thought you outgrew. Like car rides with hip hop turned full blast with people I don't really know well. Today I went to lunch with three co-workers (two of them work opposite me and were hired at the same time as I was, the other lady is one of the first two's sister-in-law). We drove in the sister-in-law's new very large sedan with leather seats. As soon as we were out of the cave the radio came on and she blasted it. Before we left, I was actually dreading thirty minutes of blasting rap music, but I enjoyed being out of the cave, the fresh air, and the comraderie, just chilling in the plush car with music so loud it shook me. I haven't had an experience like that since I was a kid in Chicago, when we would all have to ride in someone's parent's car some place and we'd end up with the cool parent who let their kid play whatever music they wanted as loud as they wanted. It isn't "me" perse, but I really enjoyed the experience.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Going Public

Ok, so when I started this thing, I was mostly thinking of it as a written diary that I could share with T across all the miles between my moderately-sized Midwestern city and his slightly-larger Midwestern city some 300 miles away. But tonight I quibbled with T over our own ideas of internet privacy. I thought he was un-cautious for putting his last name in his blog name. He thought I was paranoid to think that something bad might come out of not being as anonymous as possible on the web. (He apologized in the end.) Maybe we were both right. So I decided to put my blog up on We'll see if anyone comes, but at least I'm opening myself up to people other than T.

Nine 1/2 Hours

So, another long day. I didn't make it all day though. For the first hour or so, the computers were still very very sluggish so I didn't get much work done, though I didn't get much thinking done either. I think this job shuts down your brain. Overall, a total waste of a day. Didn't exercise. Quibbled with T. Going to bed early tonight and working for a better tomorrow.

Story Idea

Story of settling
Not someone who has high hopes and dreams but learns simple life is better and more fulfilling
Not someone with clearly defined hopes and dreams and aspirations
Settling seems inevitable, maybe protagonist doesn't even realize he/she is settling

In addition: Good character name -Josette

Monday, November 07, 2005

Ten hours a day and what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt...

So, the new job is not the fount of new ideas that I thought it would be, though I am trying to write at least a little bit each day, not all of it even fit to print in this rather anonymous blog. We're working 10 hour days this week, or at least we are expected to, since we have an unpaid holiday Friday for Veteran's Day. This first day was not as bad as I had thought, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want a four ten-hour day a week job. But I understand more and more why working men and women don't really do anything profound outside of their jobs. I want to just come home and veg out!!! In addition to working, I'm trying to exercise everyday, even if it is just some weight lifting and sit-ups while I am watching TV, and eat less and better. T is pushing me for some profound thought, now that he has more time in his new place of residence which is much closer to his work. Maybe he should provide the profound thought for a while. Or he could provide a profound thought tonight that I could take with me to work tomorrow to help me generate my own profound thoughts. Take care.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Sorry for my silence

Sorry for my long silence. I have been trying to adjust myself to a normal day schedule (after working six months second shift). I am working a very long term temp job doing brainless data entry, so I have lots of time for the creative part of my head to work, so I should be posting more often. Also, this job has given me some other revelations, which tie into the rest of this post, which I wrote at work yesterday, but I don't have time to articulate it right now. Here is something to tide you over.

  • factory of data entry
  • like meditation, my mind writes stories while my body types data
  • try to imagine the lives the numbers represent
  • try to imagine the lives of those around me, wonder if they can imagine mine
  • miss the familiar feel of my cell phone in my right front pocket, sometimes the nerves there in my leg twitch, making me believe my phantom phone is ringing
  • A life I could have had, probably almost did. Was it T that changed it all? all the 'what-ifs'- what if I had stayed with ex-T, moved to slightly bigger midwest city to live with him? Would he have grown up faster or just become a kid with a kid? What about if I had stayed with and gotten pregnant by ex-J? Would it have been a lesbian drama where I ran away with DarkLesbian and the baby?
  • All the rules, what purpose do they serve? What does it matter that you can wear your own clothes when your every move is scheduled and monitored? When every act that doesn't conform is an act of rebellion? Maybe I don't blame the girl next to me for talking the last HOUR before lunch and doing NO work. How can I begrudge her any entertainment when I now can't do anything but look at my blank desktop screen because the servers are down and I can't read at my desk or do anything else? These rules don't promote me to be a good worker. I guess they aren't supposed to. They assume everyone is a terrible worker and seek to curb their bad behavior to make them at least mediocre. How can they not ONLY meet the only expectations given them? How can I not only meet the only thing they expect of me?
  • Wondering how this information will be used. Govt. lawsuit vs. Native Americans. Who's side do I agree with? Does it matter? Am I less of a hypocrit than the gays who work for gay-hating Christian conservative organizations because I make less money, have a less prestigous job?
  • Only two days and I already miss non-working life, or not-working-here life
  • An hour left on my second day, and I'm wondering if this drudgery is what the rest of my life is going to be like. I have to make it more than this, more fulfilling. Maybe the job doesn't need to be fulfilling, just what I do outside. But can't the job kinda deaden you to the fulfillment of the rest of your life? Like my parents, or T's parents?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Female Chauvinist Pigs

Notes from the Article "Hog Heaven" Bitch Fall 2005
  • Male chauvinist pigs were men who thought that "hotness of a particular commerical mold is the highest achievement of womankind"--> now for a woman to be sexually liberated she has to feel that same way, to be a female chauvinist pigs, but it is still just perpetuating the same myths and wrong ideas about the highest achievement of womankind
  • Despite the way it is portrayed, we have to realize that sex workers are almost always not doing this work because they like it, like having sex on tape for money, like dancing naked for men, but because they need the money
  • Society not oversexualized but that a certain kind of sex is overcommerciallized --not really sexual hedonism but sex selling, not sexual pleasure
  • Young girls now: a) feel that 'sexual power is the only power worth excercising' and b) must express 'imaginary licentiousness before they've experienced lust', 'seeming as wild as possible'


Wow! I was ahead of my time!!! I was skanky when skanky wasn't cool. Really great article-makes me want to read the book Female Chauvinist Pigs but I don't really know how to use it yet.

Really corresponds to "Reasons behind Love/Sex Duality-Only way to have sexual power/liberation to make use of it" but it still doesn't give me a new way to think of these issues, different ways to value sexuality or evaluate desires.

Does show me that this is a larger problem of society also, that it is a learned behavior, that I am not alone in this wrong thinking, that to be a rebel is to not continue with this learned behavior.

[back dated to when I journaled it]

The Politics of Ex's

I've always tried to stay friends with my ex's. That's because most of them were friends to start with. But maybe I stay friends with them so I always have a fall-back, or also someone I am comfortable with that I know knows me. Or someone I know wants me sexually still. But with this comes problems.

In our 'Why T will never marry Ava' talk, T said that the cheating was bad enough but I still continued to talk to Ex-T afterwards and that really really bothered him. I didn't ask him at the time if I should have ended my 4+ year friendship with Ex-T because I fooled around with him once when I was really depressed without ever being asked by T. Should that mistake ruin/end our friendship?

Now, T and I are not together and probably will never be again. But I am working on my character. Is it better to continue my friendship with Ex-T who I've known now for 7 years or break contact with him, which T asserts I should have done earlier? [If you accept the premise that it was wrong for me to continue contact with him after I cheated with him as a general rule, no matter if T had requested it or not, then it should be the right thing to do even if I am not with T and never will be.]

Ultimately, I guess that also depends on why I value my friendship with Ex-T and what I am hoping to gain from it. Most immediately, I will have to say that it thrills me to know that he still desires me, physically and emotionally. I don't think I would ever act on it even though I am single but it is nice to know it is there. And if that was all there was, I probably shouldn't talk to him. But it isn't. I am so happy that he is really taking control of his life- working a decent paying job that he loves and thinking about moving out on his own to Mississippi and becoming a person separate from his own family and high school shit. Though he is afraid to end up alone, he isn't clinging to relationships that aren't working just to be with someone. And I love having someone to talk to that knows me and where I've been.

But I still wonder if I should be talking to him at all and maybe that I am asking that question at all is an answer in and of itself.
[post is dated back when I wrote it in journal not when really posted]

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Living with Character

And now for something completely different...
Things I aspire to be, qualities I desire to have, to live a life of character

Will have to edit as I have more insight


Link from about Canadian math teacher who was also an escort

So, here is what I was thinking when I read this, "Sounds like a good deal. Why not just give up teaching or just volunteer and be an escort full-time? Maybe I could do that."

I know that is wrong and I should not want to be a prostitute (even if you fancy it up with the word escort), but there is something about it that appeals to me. Obviously, this is part of the sex/love duality that is going on inside me. Prostitution is sex for money without any expectations of love. People who pay for sex may expect to feel like the prostitute loves them, but that is not always, or even usually the case. And I would think that prostitutes would actively try not to fall in love or even care about their clients. In my idealization of prostitution, I would get paid to go out with and maybe have sex with men and/or women who wanted no-strings-attached companionship and sex and were happy to pay an exceptional woman (me) for this. I could be choosy and would communicate via e-mail with them before our date and keep a record of who I was with and where so if anything happened to me. (I saw it on an MSNBC show about prostitution.) I could enjoy the company of different people, have sex with different lovers, and have money to do what I wanted to with the rest of my time. It doesn't sound so bad. So what is wrong with it?

A large part of me says "Nothing is wrong with it." And I feel like that is a problem. I should feel an instant aversion to this kind of loveless sex, this kind of business arrangement sex. It degrades women by putting a price on their affection and sex. It degrades the clients, who are only of value because of their money and who are not working to have a fulfilling relationship that they don't have to pay for. It shows that the clients don't value the prostitute, because if they really valued him/her they would want a real relationship and not just NSA sex/companionship. It shows that the prostitute doesn't value themselves because if they did, they would hold out for a real loving relationship instead of using their body to get cash.

Despite all of this, it has an appeal to me. I'd never do it because I don't have the guts to, not because I'm morally against it, which I feel I should be.

The Razor- Head Automatica

this is television
late night television
scripted with precision
a corner store Pulp Fiction
sits where your heart isn't

but with your eyes so green
and your pinkish theme,
you've made an old friend seem
rather dead to me
alas the weapon sex can be

your body is a weapon
and you're afraid it could get out
a friend of the devil
and you're afraid it could get out

don't say i don't cut when i do i do i do
(i do i do)
don't say i'm lying when i'm true i'm true i'm true
(i do i do)
the razor...

you were all suspicious
so vile and omniscious
with a heart so vicious
dare you ask what this is
this is so delicious
to eat the best of you
like the others do
i'll take your pride from you

the dive in, the embassy, the jets,
its all the same to me.

your body is a weapon
and you're afraid it could get out
a friend of the devil
and you're afraid it could get out

don't say i don't cut when i do, i do, i do
(i do i do)
don't say i'm lying when i'm true, i'm true, i'm true
(i do i do)
the razor...(the razor)

don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do

so many suitors, i don't even have a suit to wear
so many influential fingers running through your hair
i am the razor and in the hands of your heart
and i am the razor in the hands of God

don't say i don't cut when i do, i do, i do(i do i do)
don't say i'm lying when i'm true, i'm true, i'm true(i do i do)
the razor...(the razor)

don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do
(the razor)
don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do
(the razor)
don't say we're healing when it's just not what we do.....

"The Problem with Feminism"

Really good posting on Muse and Fury

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Last nights thought just before bed

Why I don't let myself cum?
  • Gives ownership to the person who makes me cum
  • Allows me to always remain somewhat unattainable
  • Assumption that guys will give up once they attain this

Sex/Love Duality

  • Assumption-To give yourself wholly to only one person, especially giving your virginity especially to a man, is a gift that will never be respected and always be betrayed
  • Men will have multiple partners, why shouldn't women?
  • Only way to own your sexuality is to use it
  • One has to have experience to be good
  • You should try as much as you can before you settle down into a boring life
  • Sex as a way to control others, control men
  • Sex as all a guy wants from me, makes him stay

Not really specific or cohesive, just what was on my mind last night when I was trying to go to sleep.

Am I any closer, T?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Men Don't Leave

How can one person, especially one you don't even really know, effect your life so much??? While this should have been obvouis to me, and probable is to everyone else, I just realized today that the negative ideas I have about men is not just largely but almost totally a direct result of my experience with my father. Previously, I knew that I held negative, stereotypical views about men that I thought were based on my previous experience with all men. The main stereotypical view about men that I held was that men always leave, that men don't stay with their wives, girlfriends, children, relatives, and friends. Today, when I was thinking about this assumption, which I do feel now is false, I realized that my experiences don't actually bear that out. There is only one man in my history who has left me and stayed gone. Obviously, since he is my father, I feel that he should have stuck around, above and beyond anyone else in my life. The few other men, an uncle, a bestfriend, who have chosen to not be in my life have done so not because "men leave" but because of their own personal problems or decisions. But almost all the men who have loved me, romantically and familially, have stuck around or are not in my life currently by my own decision, despite their desire to stick around. So, it brings me back around to my initial question--how can one person have such an effect on one's whole perception???

Obviously, what needs to change is how I react to men and to changing my reaction to and assumptions about men (women too, but I have the most unfounded negative beliefs about men). T's great point---You should come with no assumptions about people, negative or positive, so that they can create your opinion of them by their actions and the reality of them.

To all the men in my life who have stayed and who love me, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't recognize all you do and how much you love me.


So, today has not been very productive. Too little sleep for such an early interview-only to be sent away because I don't have enough info to complete the paperwork for the government background check. I spent the rest of the day trying to get enough info to complete the paperwork and depressingly watching TV/napping/working.

Saddest part of the day, though, was filling out the section about my parents. I was able to get my bio-dad's birthdate from my mother over the phone, but I only know the city that he lives in. The woman that is the whole of the human resources dept. asked for his address. When I told her that I did not have a street address for bio-dad, she crossed out the city and state and wrote Unknown in the remaining space. Now, I'm sure in this day and age, there are plenty of people who do not know where one of their parents lives, usually their father, but not always. There are probably even some people who do not know where their parents live because they had a falling out of some kind. I'm sure there are also people out there who do not even have a name for one of their parents. But it doesn't make me feel any better that I haven't had contact with my biological father since I was 5. What a fucker.

Monday, October 03, 2005

I'm Now Officially A Blogger!!!!!

I'm a big dork now, with my own blog.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

New Day

So, as we know, I'm starting this so that I can keep a journal of my progress on this journey, starting today. So, I want to post what I already have.
Thoughts from last night
  • Link between love and violence forged before I ever remember
  • Felt like those who loved me the most showed the most violence (also the one who's love I wanted the most)
  • Cont.-This has led me to discount the love of those who didn't show violence toward me but instead had positive reactions to positive behavior
  • I am a very manipulative person
  • What I am looking for in S&M is not a safe-seeming loss of control but pushing until my safety net breaks==too dangerous
  • Need to get at the roots of this and change will follow
  • Duality, in my thinking, of physical sex and emotional love
  • "You are not that important"-T's general, vague and cryptic answer


  1. Research into the Psychology of abuse, spanking, s&m
  2. Meditation-general and specifically on this issue
  3. Talking it out with T

New Rules for Life

  • Tape only 2 hours of TV a night
  • Meditate every other day
  • Exercise every other day
  • Loss 20 lbs.
  • Only sleep 8 hours
  • Read more
  • Write my fiction every night
  • Play music
  • Start blog
  • Personals-Dating only, no sex, no S&M
  • Change fantasies and vary practices
  • Catch-up on movies
  • Catch-up on music
  • Seek positive reinforcement for positive behavior

?Do you think this is too personal, T?