Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Reframing and Building New Boxes

After the uprising of my LTRR feelings last weekend, my therapist had me create a list of boundaries that might assist me in staying in wise mind, instead of falling over that crazy cliff. Like a good girl, I did make a list of all the things that we do that "just friends" don't do. (Or at least that I don't think "just friends" do, but I'll get to that later.) Of course, even though I was at work, I almost broke down crying. I had planned on writing more about how I felt about stopping each behavior, but it was too much. I spent the rest of the week depressed and couch-bound. 

I guess I might as well share my list, huh? Ok. In no particular order:
  • My friend paying for stuff
  • Seeing each other dress and undress
  • Asking the other person what they would prefer we wear
  • Being sexual
  • Cuddling
  • Sharing the same bed
  • Touching in everyday situation (for example: holding hands to get through a crowd, put your hands on the other person's hips to move them out of your way, walking arm in arm when I am wearing heels and need some stabilization)
  • Sharing food and drink

After the general sadness and depression, my first feeling was willfulness. "I might make this list, but I'm not stopping this shit." *pout* 

Then, I tried to think through why I am so resistant. (Yes, I know that, on the one hand, that helps me to justify it. But I also thought that a better understanding of why I was resistant might help me stop. I'm sure you can guess which it did.) In general, all of the above behaviors are ones that I also engage in with other people who I am friends with and don't want to push for any kind of long-term situation with, so it seems counter-intuitive to me that I should stop doing any of them with my bestfriend. During therapy today, my therapist called me on how limiting the definition in my head of "just friends" was. I brought up that these were things that we would probably stop doing if/when my friend gets into a LTRMR (long-term romantic monogamous relationship.) For all her vanilla-ness, she said that things like one person paying for things if they make more money and feel comfortable with it as well as the touching in everyday situations are not outside of the boundaries for most "just friends." She said that she does that kind of stuff with her husband's best friend, holding hands to get through crowds and the like. It's about intention and how everyone feels. 

The next reason I felt resistant to stopping the above behavior is because those physical things are such tangible, immediate ways to feel cared for. Despite all of my friend's reassurances, I still feel very unsure of this relationship and how they feel for me. Though I don't feel this with everyone, when we are sexual or physical in any way, I do feel cared for. I also hope that my friend realizes that I don't sleep in the same bed with very many people, so that is something special for me, a way to show how much I care and how much I do trust (or try to.) Also, though I know everyone else things I'm deluding myself and using this as a way to justify continuing the physical relationship, I don't think that it was the physical that pushed my feelings from "we're friends with benefits right now while we're single" to "we should be in a LTRR." I think that it was the way that our attempts to rebuild the trust in the relationship triggered my long-time prejudices about friendships and romantic relationships. 

Let me try to explain. Growing up, I didn't have very good close friendships with other girls. It took me a long time to develop any friendships after I moved from the suburbs of the mid-sized Midwestern city to just outside of the large Midwestern city. It took years for me to make more than one female friend at any one time. Even when I did, whenever I would have an argument with a female friend, she'd use something that I told her in confidence against me. To be honest, I'm sure I did the same thing too. My friendships with guys, while complicated by possible romantic feelings, were more solid, more loyal, simpler. As I became a teenager, with one exception, all my close friends were male, and, with one exception to that, all my close male friends were my boyfriends. I always felt like your romantic relationships were supposed to be deep and trusting, more so than I felt most of my "just friend"ships could be. 

So when my friend and I, who are already each other's closest relationship, started to do all these things to deepen the trust, which eliminated things that had always bugged me, from the time we were dating on, all my previous attempts to "get over" my friend seemed to evaporate. We'll never be "just friends" even if we're monogamous with other people for decades. But making the relationship more trusting and deeper and closer and then getting along for two weekends in a row... well, it was to much for the 18 year old in me who had planned our wedding. She still believes that things will work out if you just love someone enough and do whatever you think they need to be happy with you. She is stupid. 

When my meltdown happened, weekend before last, my friend asked me how what we had been doing was different from what TyRoy and I do, thinking that we'd just change that, since I don't have these problems with my feeling for TyRoy. At this time what's different is being sexual and sleeping together, but it hasn't always been that way and I don't ..... FUCK....as I'm writing I realized something... Ok. So that weekend, I said that there wasn't much difference. As I was about to write, at this time, because of what TyRoy feels comfortable with while he's with the lady he loves, we aren't sexual, cuddly, or sleepy, but that hasn't always been the case. There was a period of time before he fell for his lady love where we did all that and more but it wasn't a big issue. I didn't feel like we should be working towards a LTRR, while I will always be open to that if things change for him. What I realized while writing this is that the difference is in the people. I already knew that it probably had a great deal to do with how our relationships started and the person that I was when the relationship started. But what hadn't hit me until I was typing this was something very different about them. Way back, when my friend and I were dating, his feelings on things would change and he wouldn't tell me, he'd just start acting weird. We were together for years after he knew he wasn't going to take the relationship further. He'd changed his mind, but he never told me. On the other hand, I remember during an argument with TyRoy where I was questioning if he still felt the same way about something. "Did I tell you that it had changed? Well if I didn't, then it hasn't." I feel really comfortable in the knowledge that, unless he's single and he has expressed that he'd like to give it a chance again because the previous impediments are no longer there, that TyRoy still doesn't want to pursue a LTRR with me. Things are the same, status quo. In a good way. Though my friend has recently said, "I'm a guy. We can go a week, a month, a year, and then pick things back up like it was yesterday," I have a hard time believing that. Can I be sure he hasn't changed his mind? If there isn't something physical to show me that he cares, how do I know he still does? If we don't talk for several days, maybe he doesn't want to be friends anymore and he's gone again? On the other hand, if we're getting along and things have been going well, how do I know that he hasn't changed his mind and wants to give it another go? That maybe he's just waiting for me to express my feeling, say that I'll take that leap with him first. (Yes, I know it seems ridiculous, but I'm sure that inside of your head would seem ridiculous to me. Let's try not to judge.)

So where does this leave me and those pesky boundaries?

Yesterday, it occurred to me that it would be easier if I assumed the same things about my relationship with my friend as I do about my relationship with TyRoy: It's ok if it's romantic or date-like when we are together. Whether anything physical or sexual happens will be gauged by our respective primary romantic relationship, if we have one, and what that partner is ok with. Nothing happens that we couldn't bluntly tell that primary partner about, kinda like a secondary or tertiary romantic relationship for open or poly couples. I will assume that my friend does not want to pursue a LTRR with me for the reasons previously stated and that those haven't changed as it hasn't been stated. I will work on radically accepting that we won't pursue a LTRR. But I also need to radically accept that I'm not going to put those boundaries up, at least not right, especially as we aren't seeing other people. Trying to force myself to do something that my heart isn't in won't work. I'll just end up breaking the resolutions that I've made and feeling bad about it. This is who we are. This is how we interact, especially when we don't have someone else who will get hurt by our actions. It might not fit into the "just friends" box that I envision other people have with their friends, but, as my therapist pointed out and my own friendships attest to, that box probably doesn't exist anyway. The more important boundaries I need to work on are internal. Between the girl I was who thought that a relationship would work if I just loved someone enough and the woman I am who knows that I love several people who it won't work with, not now, probably not ever. Between the failed romance we had and the deep, increasing-in-trust, not "just friend"ship but friendship we have now.  

I'm reminded of a scene on the tv show Bones. 

Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan: I'm... quite strong.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah, well, you've always been strong.
Bones: You know the difference between stength and imperviousness, right? 
Booth: Well, not if you're going to get all scientific on me.
Bones: Well, a substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong. 
Booth: Hmm.
Bones: When you and I met. I was an impervious substance. Now I'm a strong substance. 
Booth: I think I know what you mean.
Bones: A time could come when you aren't angry any more and I'm strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviosness. Maybe then we could try to be together.

Though I have never been impervious, I'm not sure I've ever been very strong, at least not in this respect. But I'm trying. Not so we can be together romantically. Not really for the sole purpose of me being with anyone. But as a side effect, me being strong might make it possible to stick with this friendship, help make us strong as well. I just need to reframe the question and make a new box to fit what we already have. 

Rest Your Head One More Time In My Bed

Tap your chest and my head will be there.

Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye-Luke Bryant
All we do right is make love
And we both know now that ain't enough
Ain't gonna beg you to stay
Ain't gonna ask you what's wrong
Ain't no reason running after something already gone
Take off your leaving dress
Let's do what we do best
I guess everybody's got their way of moving on
Girl rest your head, one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me and you didn't have to try
Let's lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye

Baby who we are just didn't work
But maybe we can leave with something out of all this hurt

(Chorus x2)
Ain't gonna beg you to stay
Ain't gonna ask you what's wrong
Ain't no reason running after something already gone
Take off your leaving dress
Let's do what we do best
I guess everybody's got their way of moving on
Girl rest your head, one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me and you didn't have to try
Let's lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye

Kiss tomorrow goodbye

Some Kind of Madness, Vol 2

I wanted to include this clip in the original post, but the show had just come on and nothing was up online yet. But all the emo-ness that I felt after watching this pushed me to get some of it out with the previous post.

So, on this new show Nashville, fading country superstar Rayna (Connie Britton), think Reba, is fighting against the tidal wave of the next big pop-ified country hotshot Julliette (Hayden Panettiere.) Julliette wants to steal Rayna's guitar player and songwriting partner, Deacon, who was also her boyfriend for over a decade. Though Rayna's been married for a decade or so, she's still very close to her ex. At the end of the last episode, in an attempt to get back to her roots, Rayna sang with Deacon during one of his acoustic bar sets. 

Here is the song that they sang. It's very pretty. I recommend listening to it. 

The Lyrics: (Her:) Don't you try to tell me someone's waiting. They're not waiting for you. And don't you try to tell me that you're wanted, that you're needed, 'cause it's not true. I know why you're lonely. It's time you knew it too. No one will ever love you, like I do. (Him:) Why are you always looking for the limelight? Ain't you satisified with me? For once why don't you get down off your high heels. You're no big deal. Can't you see? (Both:) I know why you're lonely. It's time you knew it too. No one will ever love you, like I do. (Her:) I'm all you got. (Him:) I'm all you'll ever need. (Both:) I'm all you'll ever have. No one will ever love you, like I do.

Then here is the shortened clip of them singing together:

Yeah, so that's how I feel. It's nice to share. Or, ok, maybe it isn't.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Some Kind of Madness

I don't want this. I don't want to be less close. I don't want to not be sexual with you. I don't want to not sleep with you. I don't want to not be held by you. I don't want to not be able to touch you. I don't want to set up barriers that I don't have with other friends. Thinking about it makes me crumble. Just thinking about it already seems to be putting distance between us, distance I don't want. I don't know how to be close to you without these things. I don't even want to know at this point. I'm not sure I can will myself to want to know right now. You say that nothing has to be decided right now, that nothing between us needs to change right now, but it's all I can think about. And as I sit here alone, all I can think is that I'm never going to be held again and how I'm losing my closest relationship.

I want to not want you the way that I do, when it's not reciprocated. I want to be able to do the same things I do with my other friends, from which I don't catch feelings. I want to just be able to enjoy it. I want things to be non-confrontational for more than just one weekend. I want to not be the problem that needs to be solved.

And I want someone else. I want a lover and partner who loves me back, who has my back, and who isn't just the runner-up to you. I want to feel like I'm not alone. I want someone I don't have to feel like I'm "on" all the time with, but who can challenge me when I want it or need it. I want a dynamo in the sack and in conversation. I want someone I don't feel judged by and who I don't have to feel only wants a "better" me. I want to find someone who wants me that I think is worth wanting.

I wish I felt less like this:

The XX-Chained: I watched you breathe in and I wished you'd stop, only for long enough, long enough. It's hard to say, separate or combine. I ask you one last time, Did I hold you too tight? Did I not let enough light in? If a feeling appears, If your mind should sway, It's not a secret you should keep. I won't let you slip away. We used to be closer than this. We used to be closer than this. We used to get closer than this. Is it something you missed? Winged or chained, I ask you would you have stayed? Did I hold you too tight? Did I not let enough light in?

And more like this:

Muse-Madness: I can't get these memories out of my mind and some kind of madness has started to evolve. I tried so hard to let you go, but some kind of madness is swallowing me whole. I have finally seen the light, and I have finally realized what you mean. And now, I need to know is this real love or is it just madness keeping us afloat? And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had, like some kind of madness was taking control. And now I have finally seen the light, and I have finally realized what you need. And now I have finally seen the end and I'm not expecting you to care, but I have finally seen the light. I have finally realized I need to love. Come to me. Trust in your dream. Come on and rescue me. Yes I know, I can be wrong. Maybe I'm too headstrong. Our love is madness.

Oh, wait, no that guy wants a reconciliation too. I thought that what he realized what that ze would be better off without him and their fucked up relationship, but obviously not. What the fuck is it with all this music? Can I not find a song where people are just happily broken up? I really didn't think I'd still feel like I was in a perpetual state of trying to get over you after...what? 6? 7 years? Gods, this shit is getting so fucking old. Even I hate how what a whiny emo bitch I'm being at this point. And if getting under someone else really got you over someone, well, then I should be long over you. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

The "don't let me leave you" Mixtape

Lady Antebellum "All We'd Ever Need" -
(Her:) Boy it's been all this time and I can't get you off my mind and nobody knows it but me.I stare at your photograph, still sleep in the shirt you left, and nobody knows it but me. Everyday I wipe my tears away. So many nights I've prayed for you to say, I should've been chasing you. I should've been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me. I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me and maybe I could've made you believe that what we had was all we'd ever need. (Him:) My friends think I'm moving on, but the truth is I'm not that strong and nobody knows it but me. And I've kept all the words you said in a box underneath my bed and nobody knows it but me. But if you're happy I'll get through somehow, but the truth is that I've been screaming out, I should've been chasing you (Her:) You should've been trying to prove that (Him:) you were all that mattered to me. (Her:) Oh you should've said all the things (Him:) That I kept inside of me. (Her:) And maybe you could've made me believe (Him:) That what we had girl (Both:) Oh that what we had, what we had it was all we'd ever need. 

I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I've spent the last 12 years of my life trying to make him love me in the same way and as much as I love him. There were maybe 2 months in which he did and those were a decade ago.

He might be the person I'm closest to now, that I feel the strongest connection with, but not my best friend because he'll never really be my friend. He'll always be the one that got away.

Julie Roberts "Unlove Me" 
Unloose this hold you've got on me. Unlock this heart that can't get free...Unlove me. Unmake all the memories I can't forget. Unlove me. Let me go back to the way I was before we met...Unlove me. Untie all the strings between your heart and mine. Unlove me, but do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time.

My head knows we'll never be together, knows his reasons and that they won't change, even knows the reasons he probably isn't what I need, but my heart doesn't care.

Everything between us feels colored by my love for him, by our past relationship. It's hard when it feels like we play at a relationship over weekend holidays, but I'll never be his "real" girlfriend/partner/wife. Even if we didn't have sex or sleep together in same bed, just how close we are, how well we know each other, our conversations, still feel like a romantic love relationship.

Even after all the times this has played out, he still seems surprised. But, as we talked in the dark, some of the things that I said surprised me as well. Like how much trying to get over him, trying not to want to be with him, influenced my own 'summer of love' and even marrying BT. 


Ani DiFranco "Napoleon"  
Now you think, 'So that's the way it's gonna be. That's what this is all about.' I think that 'that's the way it always was. You chose not to notice until now.'

Every time this happens, my heart breaks all over again, as if it was the first time, but his doesn't, because it's him who gets what he wants. And, though it's not fair, every time it happens, I hate him and resent him. I probably hate myself more though. But I still stay. He manages to forgive what I assume he sees as crazy emotional fluctuation and clingy ex shit. I decide that I'd rather have him like this than not at all. 

http://youtu.be/j6wnsOBSJBo Deana Carter "What Makes You Stay"
Don't have the strength to fight anymore or a reason not to leave. What makes you stay, when your world falls apart? What makes you try one more time, when it's not in your heart? At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, but you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away." Tell me what makes you stay?

Two months ago, when his bad behavior was revealed and bit all of us in the ass, as he broke down, he was the weak one, the one begging, the one who had something to lose. I know that I got some satisfaction in that because it is usually me in that position and it felt good to have the upper hand for once. Now it's business as usual.

I left the shirt he was gonna let me take home, so i'd have one showing off our home team, on the bed, and the necklace he'd given me for our first Christmas and my ring on his nightstand, by his phone. After going in circles all last night, our faces shrouded in shadow, buy the stark light of day I saw that he felt powerless. Not weak, just unable to come up with anything to do to change it. "I'm supposed to be at work already.... We have to leave, but I'm not letting you go. ...I love you." Just not enough to try again, I thought.


Coheed and Cambria- "The Suffering" 
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out. So, until the sun burns out, I hope you're waiting.

Driving as fast as I can away from the place I fear will always feel more like home than anywhere else in the world, no matter how long I'm gone, old habits bubble back to the surface. I want to push this car as fast as she'll go. Typing a draft of this blog post as I drive. All I've eaten today is this Mt. Dew beside me and it might be a liquid diet day. I want to hurt on the outside so I don't feel this hurt on the inside. I want to pay off my debt and disappear, take a new name and "I want a place to call my own where you have never been. I want to look around and know you won't be coming back again." http://youtu.be/eHVgmIhU00A


Ani Difranco- "Dilate" 
When I say you sucked my brain out, the English translation is "I am in love with you, but it ain't no fun'. But I don't use words like love, 'cause words like that don't matter. ...The world is my oyster. You know, the road is my home. And I know that I'm better off alone.

But how can I really go when, in less than six hours time, I have already had to stop myself from contacting you so many times? And not about this, but about good things going on in my life. That I'm finally starting to feel this work as a grounding force, as something I want to grab onto to keep from going under, rather than a nuisance stopping me from handling my business. That my assistant manager isn't as upset with me as I thought she was and is going to try to get me more hours this week while my client is on vacation. That some of the office work that the bosses want to talk to me about doing is HR work, which I've never done but they seem to think I might be good at. Hell, even that I got one mile per gallon more than my mom's best record on her car coming home. I can't stop looking for ways I can make staying work. 


Pink "Just Give Me a Reason"
 (Her:) Oh tear ducts and rust. (Him:) I'll fix it for us. (Her:) We're collecting dust, but our love's enough. (Him:) You're holding it in. (Her:) You're pouring a drink. (Him:) No nothing is as bad as it seems. (Her:) We'll come clean! (Both:) Just give me a reason. Just a little bit's enough. Just a second, we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again. It's in the stars. It's been written in the scars of our hearts that we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again.

Sara Bareilles "Love on the Rocks"
Here's a simplification of everything we're going though: You plus me is bad news. But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too, but my friend said I look better without you. Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head. Babe, baby believe me, if I stay, it ain't gonna be easy. Okay, we'll do it your way, but this is the last time you'll hear the beautiful sound of love coming down. Love on the rocks.

(Yes, I can't even find songs that aren't about a romantic love relationship to illustrate my points. It's probably not a good sign.)

Having issues with blogger and can't embed at the moment. I will try to go back and fix things later.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

You May Ask Yourself, Well, How Did I Get Here?

You may ask yourself, how do I work this? 
You may ask yourself, where is that large automobile? 
You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house 
You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife 

Last night, I was leaving a sports bar, at a modest 10:30pm, on a night when I didn't have to work the next day, after Marci (pseudonym) bought me a drink and appetizer to commiserate on what would have been my five-year wedding anniversary, when I thought, "How did I get here?" And not in the negative way I'm used to. I've had a job for a couple of months. Things are going smoothly between me and my family. I spent a full weekend with Moneypenny without any arguments or anything too dramatic. And I'd just had a relatively new friend go out of her way on what was for her a school night to hang out with me on what could have been a really shitty day. It was like something out of Sex and the City. Well, the thought behind it, not the Midwestern sports bar setting. I don't currently have any out of control relationships. This is not my life. This is the life of a normal person. And it's freaking me out that it is also my life right now.

I tried to text with Moneypenny after this line of thinking started, but it only seemed to make things worse. His responses were "I guess that's the point, this CAN by your life" and "I'm very happy for you. Keep it up! :)" I'm sure that it seems like I'm ungrateful for his support, which isn't the case. It's just that... I don't want to have a normal life. One of my biggest worries in ever getting help for my psychiatric issues was that I was afraid that it would take away everything that made me me, that I'd be some shiny happy people Stepford wives chick. But every step of the way, when I've made improvements, I've found that I still wasn't that. But now I look up and all this work I've been doing to have a better life landed me in a normal life and all the things I've been thinking about doing down the road just make it more normal, when I do not think that normal = better. (Yes, I'm aware that my life isn't normal at this point, but it is as close to normal as I've had in a very long time, maybe even ever if you include having a lack of chaotic relationships.)

I guess what I was really looking for when I texted Moneypenny was some assurance that this "normal" life I was currently living didn't make me normal. That I could live a weird or un-ordinary life without it having to be out of control.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

BPD and True Love

This week I bought the new Pink album The Truth About Love. I'd usually liked her singles, but had never owned anything by her. Then, last week, I saw her perform her new single "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" on the Daily Show and I read an interview with her in Entertainment Weekly so when the full album came up for cheap, I thought "What the hell?" Though I really like it, I must confess that it's been a trip down BPD-colored romantic relationship memory lane. 

One of the toughest parts of therapy is finding out that all the ways you've felt and interacted with the world is not just wrong, but is also completely foreign to most of the population. In no area is this more glaring than in love relationships. Now that I'm more aware of those things, it's interesting when I do see it in others, when I recognize that kinship. In the interview with Pink, when talking about keeping good relationships with the people she writes her painfully honest songs about, she seemed to laugh it off, saying that it's the people we love the most and who know us the best who can piss us off the most, that we only feel that intensely when we care that much, but that those people in her life feel just as strongly back. I have always felt that how much a person could push one's buttons was a reflection of how one felt about that person. If that person can't make you see red, whether in anger or in bed, you don't really love them. Even though therapy has given me the skills to not act on it (as much), I think I'll always feel that way, deep down inside. It doesn't matter how much my reasonable mind knows that it's a fucked up way to be and a fucked up way to carry out a relationship, it's still how my emotional mind and my heart feel and react to the world.

That makes me question my dating future. What if my sexual self can never be attracted to men or women who are good for me, who don't set off my crazy meter? I want a teammate and a partner, but I'm scared about trying to find that, even if I felt like I had enough time and energy right now to pursue it. 

Without even pursuing any other relationships, in my present, things are fucked up enough. For as much as I love this song:
it does nothing but remind me of my relationship to/with Moneypenny, past and present, as well as a little bit of my relationship with TyRoy. ...There's no one quite like you. You push all my buttons down. I know life would suck without you. At the same time I want to hug you, I want to wrap my hands around your neck. You're an asshole but I love you and you make me so mad I ask myself why I'm still here, but where could I go? You're the only love I've ever known. But I hate you. I really hate you, so I think it much be true love...Nothing else could break my heart like true love...No one else could break my heart like you...Sometimes I wonder how we ever came to be but without you I'm incomplete. My two closest friends are not just exes, but exes I still love, will always love, and who I don't exactly have the most functional relationships with, more one than the other. Thinking about my life without them is like thinking about my life without my parents, doable but not complete. But how can I have a primary romantic relationship with somebody else like this? And though I'm trying not to be that person anymore, BPD is like alcoholism- I might be sober, but I'll still always be an alcoholic. And I can't imagine that my next relationship with my next ol' man or ol' lady won't be as volatile as these have been. Or, sadly, I probably won't be with them for long.

I don't know how to be in love without it looking like this, feeling like this, being like this. I don't know how to feel close to people if they can't push my buttons. I can make as many spreadsheets as I want with the qualities I want to look for in people that I date, but, at the end of the day, I still grew up in a culture that presents crazy volatile romances as the only true love and in a family where we laughingly told stories of my grandparents' love, which usually involved her throwing cans at him during arguments or throwing his keys into a field while she drove off into the night. But it's not just the only way I've ever known. I've tried it without and it just doesn't do it for me, even if the end result usually looks something like this:
White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight. Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight. Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears. I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you. Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold, but there's nothing to grasp so I let go. I think I've finally had enough. I think I maybe think too much. I think this might be it for us. Blow me one last kiss. You think I'm just too serious. I think you're full of shit. My head is spinning so blow me one last kiss. Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day. Have you had a shit day? We've had a shit day. I think that life's too short for this. I want back my ignorance and bliss. I think I've had enough of this. Blow me one last kiss.

So I don't have any answers. I love the Pink album. It's got me dancing in my driver's seat. And it is the funny, energetic soundtrack to all the dysfunctional impulses in sexual and romantic relationships I'm trying not to mindlessly enact anymore, but don't exactly know how to have those relationships without. I guess I'm just sharing it with ya'll.