The Pianist

Today I watched the movie The Pianist for the first time. Seeing as it was an Oscar winner, I thought I should at least be able to say that I saw it. It was a good movie, though I didn't enjoy it as much as I was hoping I would. But what I kept thinking about the whole time was how much I didn't understand about human nature. I am aware the there were complicated social and political and economic factors that made it easy for the Nazi's to make Jewish people the scapegoats for all of Germany's problems, but I still can never understand how so many people across Europe could allow people that were their friends and neighbors to be treated so terribly. Even if they didn't know about Jewish people being exterminated in the camps, they saw Jewish people getting their rights and property taken away and they saw violence against Jewish people everyday. How can so many people just stand by and let that happen? Also, there are many scenes in the film where German soldiers kill Jewish people in the streets for no apparent reason. Everytime something like this happened in the film, I wondered what could possibly be going throught that person's head when they did that. Granted, I'm not sure how much of that is what really happened and how much of that violence in the movie is a hold-over from Roman Polanski's horror days, but I still don't understand how a soldier could justify killing an unarmed, unthreatening civilian in the street. I have to admit that I'm not sure I could kill someone if I was in a war, but, if they were an opposing soldier who was going to kill me, it would at least be justified. I would like to hear from someone on the other side, a Nazi German soldier who killed civilians, why, and how he felt about it at the time and after the war had ended.

Not So Random Thoughts

First day of vacation. My parents' vacation from their jobs and home- to live in the RV & fish & sit outside on the lake. My vacation from my parents, their timetables and schedules and expectations. I have lots of plans and goals for this time but I'm trying to balance the rest I still probably need to get over this cold against my manic feelings caused by the prednisone and all my plans. But as my body works to not exert too much, my mind does wonder and hop from topic to topic.

• Stories of great rises and falls. Thinking specifically of the movie Wallstreet at first, though there are an endless number of these stories. While I understand why these stories appeal to people, they don't seem very realistic to me. It's not the great rises and falls themselves that I don't believe, it is the great and sudden change in people as they rise which causes their fall. Maybe this is because I have never known anyone who made a great rise. I have also never known someone who changed as wholley as these characters do, especially in suck a quick and sudden way. Their personalites will always be greatly influenced by their experiences, especially experiences as they were growing up, both for the good and the bad. Even with all the changes I am hoping to make, I am seriously doubting my personality will change "overnight." My actions may change and gradually those actions will become part and parcel with my personality. But also my experiences in the time in between will become part of my personality. But I don't think I would ever be able to make that kind of change overnight, or suddenly. I don't think anyone can.
• Story Idea: re-examine the events of my time with Chris both 1)from his perspective and 2) as if he was lying about much of his life, ex. He's really married. (Not that I have any reason to suspect that, nor do I suspect that, but I just think it would be an interesting story.)
• I watched the movie The Island tonight, last summer's "big" flick about human clones who learn about their situation and try to break free. *Spoiler Alert* At the end of the film, hundreds of clones, called "products," are let out into the world. We are supposed to just be relieved that they weren't killed, which was their maker's plan, but were freed by our heroic couple, who also get to be together in the end. But all I could think was: What are they going to do with these people? Sure, there aren't as many of them as there are say illegal aliens in the US right now, but the movie says that they are all emotionally, mentally, and educationally about 15 years old. How and where are all these people who are outwardly all different ages going to be integrated into society? And won't it be weird to have orphaned and mentally young clones of the rich and famous just walking around? I really wonder if anyone else thinks of these things when they see movies???
• This morning I watched The Nomi Song, a documentary about a very unique singer/ performance artist who came out of the NY New Wave of the mid/late-1970s. Just as he was becoming a big artist in Europe, which might have allowed him to move into larger mainstream favor in America, he died at 39 from AIDS, which was still being called gay cancer. The movie made me really want to know more about this period of culture and music. Some extra footage of an interview with a former writer for New York Rocker Magazine talked about the New Wave scene, from which came bands like Blondie and the Ramones and the Buzzcocks. From what I could gather from the movie and the extras, all these people who felt like they didn't belong where they were, moved to NY and the Village, which was cheap and where no one lived. I'm interested in how punks came to be in the 70s after the hippies and how punk is placed on the cultural timeline next to disco. ( Where these bands flourishing in the underground scene right at the time of disco? Before? After?) Also, I'm interested in how the varying sounds and looks were developed in the New Wave and then commerciallized? So very interesting!!!!

"My Love Will Keep"- Adrienne Young & Little Sadie

"Don't Mistake Coincidence for Fate"-Eko Lost

While I'm trying not to mistake coincidence for fate as I used to, I still enjoy a good coincidence every now and then. My uncle made me a disk of MP3s that he had bought for his MP3 player. It's a lot of more independent country and alt-country music. By coincidence, or just the programming of MP3 players which alphabetizes based on album title, this was the first song on the disk when I popped it in to listen to it yesterday. It's really good. And it made me think about my love for my uncle and my mother, which will always keep, even when we aren't as close to each other as we'd like to be.

(My other coincidence happened late last night. I was flipping through TV channels last night, and a local tv station was showing a chess game being played with real people, which immediately made me think of the BBC show the Prisoner. Only a few down clicks and I went back to the top of the channels, 78 BBC America, where the episode of The Prisoner where they play chess with people was showing!!!! Maybe it's not fate, but it was very cool.)

My Love Will Keep- Adrienne Young & Little Sadie
Baby, were you just about to kiss me
Or were you just about to leave?
Come and sit down here beside me
Maybe take a moment just to breathe

Well I could say Im sorry
And I could tell you I was wrong
I just cant say forever
But here after from now on

I love you in the winter when the roots grow deep
Love you in the spring when the leaves turn green
I love you in the summer when the trees grow tall
I love you in the fall of the year
When the leaves turn brown
When they cover the ground
Down where the roots grow deep
My love will keep

Why worry bout our future
If were not worried bout our past
So dont you worry bout that question
You been just about to ask

I love you in the winter when the roots grow deep
Love you in the spring when the leaves turn green
I love you in the summer when the trees grow tall
I love you in the fall of the year
When the leaves turn brown
When they cover the ground
Down where the roots grow deep
My love will keep

PS For once a love song that didn't make me think about Sir, though I love him like I love my uncle and my mom, and this song does apply.

Pre-Pregnant, all the time

I found this Washington Post article on one of my liberal blogs. Here is the link http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/15/AR2006051500875_pf.html
But I thought I'd paste the most relevant part of the article here.

"New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon.
Among other things, this means all women between first menstrual period and menopause should take folic acid supplements, refrain from smoking, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control."

On one hand, this seems like simple common sense. All women should just stay healthy. So should all men, for that matter. Also, since a great deal of pregnancies are unplanned, women should be aware that everything they do could affect an unplanned pregnancy.

BUT on the other hand, this seems kinda weird. While all the things included in the above paragraphs seem perfectly reasonable, it also seems to say that all women, regardless of their plans, their sexual orientation, or their actual sexaul activities, should spend all years in which they could have a child acting like they are having a child. Why don't all women just cut to the chase and stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen for their whole lives? Maybe instead of, or in addition to, pushing women to act like they are always on the verge of becoming pregnant and pushing insurance companies to pay for this additional care, health care providers should provide both men and women with accurate and effective contraception and information. Also, these guidelines don't take into account that some women might not be having sex with men, either because they are lesbians or because they have chosen to/lack the opportunity to have sexual intercourse. In addition to all of this, they seem to be saying that the highest, most important part of any woman's life is her ability to have a child and that all other choices should come second to that. Or, to put it more crassly, I am just an incubator for babies and I shouldn't be allowed to damage that incubator by doing things I enjoy, like drinking alcohol, smoking, eating too much or unhealthy.

It just doesn't seem right.

Very Interesting....

These are two very interesting posts from one of my favorite liberal blogsites, one that doesn't report all that is going on so much as takes a deeper look at issues that are being brought up more superficially on other liberal blogs.

This is the first post, which talks about the right wing strategy of reframing a once unthinkable idea so that it then seems radical and finally acceptable. This also would put a position that is in reality more centrist in a light where it seems extreme on the other end. Digby points out that Democrats should be examining this policy, either to find ways to counter it or find ways to use it themselves.
Article #1

This is the second, more recent post by another blogger on that same site. He seems to be arguing that while Ghandi may have used this particular political theory called Overton's Window to change the perception of racism and caste systems, he was working to right a wrong, whereas the right-wing is just using this to villify their opponents and that Democrats might be better off using truth instead of imitating the right-wing. There are lots of other very interesting ideas in it also. Just something to think about.
Article #2

Hunger

Last week's DBT homework was to eat mindfully. I only tried to do it once and I know I didn't do it very well. But it made me not want to eat ever again. The food tasted blah and didn't have good texture. I realized with that experiment that, if the fod really tastes this blah usually, then I must be eating for other reasons. This kinda disturbed me and I really didn't want to think alot about it for now, as it is one of my lesser problems.

Then, I started to get this cold on Saturday. I had the house to myself, which usually means I cook whatever I want and watch Showtime or HBO On Demand, since I don't spend much time upstairs while my parents are sleeping becuase I don't want to wake my parents up. (Also, while they are home and awake, I don't have much control over the kitchen and the digital cable, which are both only found upstairs.) But I felt so tired and my head was so stopped up that I just didn't want to do anything. I finally went to McDonald's around 10 pm before falling asleep on the futon around midnight. But before that McD's trip, I felt like I was starving. I slept very late Sunday and ate 'dinner' with my parents almost as soon as I got up. Within hours, I was hungry again. I was hungry all night. Even when I ate a TV dinner, I was still hungry. When I tried to go to sleep, my obsessive thoughts revolved around all the places I wanted to eat, especially since i have a little bit of cash from the tax refund. I was actually afraid to start eating anything at the time though because I was aftraid that I wouldn't be able to stop. That is how hungry I felt. On a more rational level, I also knew that my physical body couldn't be THIS hungry. It must also be something emotional/mental, right???

Yesterday, I brought it up to my mother. She said that she's had a similar experience lately, but she thinks it is just excess stomach acid becuase the feeling goes away when she eats a couple of Tums. I tried this, but it didn't work. And I tried eating a decent, but not excessive, amount of food, but I was still hungry.

The newest development is that, despite how hungry I was when I went to sleep, I was not hungry when I woke up. It wasn't until after I ate dinner with my parents (despite eating a normally and normally filling amount) that I started to feel hungry, after about an hour.

So, I don't know what is going on with my body and my hunger right now. I know it can't be physical but I don't really know how to fix the mental/emotional problems that are causing this excessive hunger. Also, it is the least of my problems right now. Or maybe it isn't, considering how much time and energy I've spent thinking about it the past few days. Right now, I just want to eat until I'm FULL, stuffed actually, and can stay full for hours and hours afterwards.

Size Matters - Joe Nichols

New Myspace song. I've been trying to listen to new songs and new music, especially alternative music, but I always seem to keep coming back to country music. Of course, I can't listen to most of it because it makes me sad and makes me cry, but I'm really into the songs that don't make me cry. Like this one. I also really like his single before this "On Again Off Again."

Size Matters - Joe Nichols
Someday she wants a big ol' house
Sittin' on a big ol' hill
And a mile long tree lined driveway
For her big ol' Coupe DeVille
Yeah, someday she wants a big ol' bank account
With too much to spend
But right now all she wants is a man

With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters

Someday she wants a big o' ring
With a big ol' rock that shines
And a big ol' walk-in closet
With shoes of every kind
Yeah, someday she wants a big ol' boat
She can lay around gettin' a tan
But right now all she wants is a man

With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters

With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters
Size matters

LOST is the best show ever!!!!

Ok, ok, so it might not be the best show EVER but it is pretty damn good. It is suspenseful, with interesting and conflicted characters who get fleshed out weekly with their flashbacks and all seem to be inter-connected before their crash-landing on Mystery Island. Now, there is another layer to the entertainment. ABC and the Lost creators have started an Alternate Reality Game. When I first saw the word GAME on the Lost Web forum that I visit after watching each new episode, I thought there would be prizes. It seems that knowledge is the only prize here though. It is intended to flesh out more of the mythology of the show and the backstory of the characters, especially the characters mentioned but never really seen. I guess JJ Abrams, the creator of Lost, is no stranger to this idea, since they did it for Alias a while back also. I think that it is a great way to give more background to rabid fans and to keep viewers interested/obsessed over the summer haitus. I'll definately still be watching and keeping up with all the action. At least from the sidelines as I read what others do at http://www.losttv-forum.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=70 . Goodhunting, fellow Losters.

At Least I Won't Have to be a "Telephone Actress"...

I've been unemployed for about three months now. While my parents would have been very happy if I had gotten a job as soon as I lost the one before, I have only thought I might be able to do a job for a month and only hardcore looking for about three weeks. (Or as hardcore as I do anything these days.) Besides an e-mail exchange about a questionable domestic/personal assistant position from the local independent weekly paper, I have not heard back from a single job I applied to. Every few days, I go to yahoo's job listings and the large local paper's online job listings and apply to every job that I think I could do moderately well and that works with my therapy schedule. While that isn't a great number of jobs, it's quite a few. Friday night, I did this same thing. While I was applying to several jobs from the large local paper's online classifieds, I saw an ad that I had also seen in the local weekly independent paper for "Telephone Actresses." Ok, so it is pretty clear that means phone sex operator. On the plus side, it can be part-time or full-time, you get to work from home and set your own hours, and you get to be very creative during your work. Plus, the ad said that you can make up to $15/hr. So I went to bed Friday night thinking that if I didn't hear back from someone soon, I might have to apply to be a telephone actress. It can't hurt to apply, right?

But today must have been Job Day. My step-dad got offered a new job which he took and will start in a few weeks. And I heard back from two of the places that I applied to. I have an interview with one other them tomorrow!!!! The other place was just calling to pre-screen the candidates, but I had applied for this position three weeks ago, so I had pretty much given up on hearing back from them at all. So, while I'm trying not to get to excited about this job in particular, I am just excited that I'm getting some feedback at all, which makes me more hopeful that I'll find a job soon. Wish me luck.

Taxes, Refunds, and New Computers

I was checking my bank account, actually wondering if my car insurance payment had been deducted from my checking yet, when I got a wonderful surprise. While my Kansas tax refund check for $80 has not yet come in the mail, Uncle Sam has directly deposited my federal tax refund directly into my savings account just as I asked. I am now $620 richer. I can't wait until we can talk about my computer needs again so that I can buy a fairly decent computer fairly soon. Then I can download music and copy DVDs and chat all the time and write all the time from the comfort of my basement lair. Yea me!!! Also, on the off chance that adult content accidentally pops up on the computer, I don't have to worry about how I'm going to tell my step-father his computer had a meltdown because I was looking at porn. Wish I could talk to you tonight about it, but I do hope you are having a good weekend with Darling K, Sir.

I Hate Being a Girl!!!!!!!

Pasted directly from Myspace. I'm very lazy tonight.

Remember that Gap commercial a few years ago in which Sarah Jessica Parker dances around singing that old song about how much she enjoys being a girl??? I hated it then and I really hate it now. There is very little I enjoy about being a girl. Especially menstration. As I've having my second period in three weeks with extremely painful cramps, I'm a little bitchy and getting a little toasted. My downhill slide started when I was 10 or 11 years old and my grandmother made me a "hot tottie" to help with my cramps. I don't have any whiskey, but amaretto, hot water, and cherry juice seems to be working just as well.

On the up side, I have had a good past couple of days. While I had been having alot of anxiety over unreasonable and irrational worries, I talked to Tony and found that the truth is not usually half as bad as what I was thinking, so, contrary to popular advice, I should just ask the hard questions from now on instead of being anxious about it. That was what I did yesterday and I have been productive and fairly calm ever since. Did laundry. Painted my nails. Went to my DBT group today, which went very well, and we are starting the Distress Tolerance Module, so hopefully I will have better coping mechanisms to deal with stress. Went to my hairdresser/friend Lisa's house to watch movies and just talk. BTW, Junebug and Flightplan are both very good movies, even though I wish the ending to Flightplan was a little more inventive and challenging.

So, besides the physical downsides of being a girl, I'm doing a lot better mentally, emotionally. Shit, no girl is ever going to want to date me after reading my blog. Oh well. If she doesn't run, I guess that shows she's a keeper.

Amazing Buddhist Quote

So much fear and desire come from that commitment to 'I am'- to being somebody. Eventually they take us to anxiety and despair; life seems much more difficult and painful than it really is.

But when we just observe life for what it is, then it's all right: the delights, the beauty, the pleasures, are just that. The pain, the discomfort, the sickness, are what they are. We can always cope with the way life moves and changes. The mind of an enlightened human being is flexible and adaptable. The mind of the ignorant person is condidtioned and fixed.
Ajahn Sumedho, Seeing the Way

My Little Girl

I pull her close, spooning her against my chest and stomach. She can’t sleep. She is anxious and scared. I don’t mind that she can’t sleep. That I am used to. But I do not want her to be scared or anxious, though. She’s had enough of that in her life. I kiss the back of her head, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair, fresh and clean. I stroked her hair, cooing into her ear. “You are safe here. No one can hurt you now. You have nothing to fear or worry about here. I’m here to protect you and together we can get through anything. I understand it is hard. It’s a big world and sometimes it can just seem like too much. But we are big girls now and we can handle whatever is thrown at us, with each other, with our friends, with our family.” She is quiet and still. I’m not sure if she feels better or not, but I’ll continue to hold her, hold myself, the part of myself that is still a scared, anxious little girl, unable to cope. Hopefully, that will be enough for this morning.

Hoosiers

Friday night after Sir left, I was flipping through TV channels and I started watching "Oh Baby...Now What?", this crazy A&E special about a couple who was breaking up until they found out they were about to have a baby together. It was messed up!!!! Though these people were mid/late-20s, I don't really think they were ready at all to be parents, but that is not the point of this post. The show was taped in LA, where these people lived. When the father-to-be's roommate (who didn't like the mother) heard that the mother was thinking about going on welfare after she had the baby, she said it was, "Really Hoosier-ish." ???? That really puzzled me because I thought that using the word Hoosier to mean white trash was only a St. Louis colloquialism. (In fact, Sir has a very detailed explanation about why this came to be. I don't know if he is right, but it is very interesting.) Then, about an hour later in the show, the father-to-be mentions in conversation that he is from Missouri. Also, he and his roommate, who didn't seem to ever have been romantically involved, had lived in the same place together for three years. My guess is that they both moved to LA together from the St. Louis area to be actors, or she just picked up this specific usage of the word from having lived with someone from Missouri for so long. But it is still very weird.

Easy - Cowboy Mouth

I was skipping through a MP3 disk, made by my friend Sir for his trips, just as I was leaving St. Louis tonight. I had a really good weekend there, especially Friday and Saturday. But Sunday I didn't get up when I should have to hang out with my friend and I also had a lot of anxiety about leaving my bestfriend, my rock, and also about all the work I knew I still had to do, if I was going to be able to do it all, if I was going to fail again and end up right back where I was in February. Hearing this really pumped me up in a punk-rock way to keep on working and to work even harder. Unfortunately, I can't add it to my myspace page because they don't have it on their myspace page. Oh, well. You know what it sounds like, Sir.

Easy --Cowboy Mouth
I once had a friend who
Met an early end to
A kind of modern way of thinkin
He wasn't taken from us
Yeah, he's still among us
But he lives for drugs and drinkin
He liked to point the finger
His accusations linger
A deeper part of every action
He loved to play the game where
He dispersed the blame for
Every deep dissatisfaction

Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try

He once told me how he
Couldn't wait to beat me
So he could take what I was telling
(He said)
They don't give a damn its
All a master plan for
Us to buy what they are selling
Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try
(Come on, give it a try)

If I sound above it
I can't sit in judgement
Cause I ain't sure where I'd be sittin
These are all my problems
Lord, I tried to drop them
Cause this ain't how I should be livin

Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
(Life)
Hard to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try
(Come on, give it a try)

Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive