Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Things That Are Me

So, you build your life up from the bottomless pit that is your depression with alot of help and guidance from a wonderful significant other. You think that you will never fall back into the depths of sorrow that you once felt. You separate from that significant other but remain VERY close friends. While you don't quite think you are over this person, you do not think it is that big of a deal. They date other people but it doesn't seem to bother you TOO much. (The dates don't go so well, though, so that might be part of it.) And then your former significant other, who you still feel is the love of your life and who you are confident you will be back with someday, finds someone else. The day they meet, they start dating exclusively. And this new person seems well matched with your former SO and they seem truly wonderful. Your world falls apart. You feel like nothing is worth doing or striving for without the possibility of a future with this person. You feel like you are losing all your progress. You worry that all you've been is just a mirror of the person you were with. All you want is that feeling back. But you can't have it.

So, what do you do? You start from scratch, kinda. Or at least that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep a constantly updating list of things that I feel are me and not just what I reflect from other people. I am going to try not to throw anything out just because I associate it with someone else, but I am going to disregard the things that I feel I ONLY do because of others expectations of me.

Left-wing, liberal, progressive
Lead by emotion more than my head, for better and for worse

Movie Watching-good and bad, not Napolean Dynamite-sorry T, indie, foreign, obscure, gay, sexual
Like being knowledgable about pop culture
Love reading
Have to write
Singing loudly to the radio
Exercise, when I feel up to it

Food-italian, sushi, junk food, fruit, chocolate, seafood, sugared soda, alcohol-not too strong, Mtn. Dew and Coke Classic
Music-indie, country, classic rock, funky romantic stuff
Scented candles
Being warm
Art, art theory

Watching sports
Sports video games
Indecision (in other people)
Sean Hannity

Things I want to be
Hardworking, not Lazy
Not suicidal
Logical, or more logical anyway
Financially comfortable
A published author
A partner to someone I love and who is in love with me

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