Friday, September 22, 2006

"The Moment I Let Go of It Was the Moment I Got More than I Could Handle"

I'm not even sure where to begin at this point. While I feel totally and completely lost, I also feel more in control than I have for a long time. The person that I had used as my compass and guide for so long is gone now. While he, in his ivory tower, may think he is doing this all solely for my benefit, so that I can do this on my own, find my own way without his guidance, I think that is bullshit. And I think a great deal of things about him now are bullshit. Which in a way is good. While I am alive, I will never have a teacher or a mentor that is not human. While the Dali Lama may be an incarnation of the Buddha, even the Buddha was only a man. He said so himself. Ultimately, I have to look inside myself to find out if what I am being taught is true, to evaluate if this person has my best interests and/or the best interests of all humans at heart. Realizing this hasn't made it hurt any less. In fact, I think it has made it hurt worse. I long for my friend and companion to comfort me, but I can't have that back. I might not ever be able to get that back, especially knowing what I know now.

"Simple Together"-Alanis Morisette
You've been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can't go to you for consolation
Cause we're off limits during this transition
This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And i can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
With you i knew god's face was handsome
With you i suffered an expansion
This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And i can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
Thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But i was sadly mistaken

If i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
If i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
If i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
Thought we'd be adventurous togheter
But i was sadly mistaken

Thought we'd be exploring together
Thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
Thought we'd be on fire together
But i was sadly mistaken

(Also have Alanis to thank for the title, my first inspiration of the day, from the song "Thank U")

But here are things I have learned about myself and what I will and will not do. Or maybe just things I had to remind myself of. I won't give up an important part of my life/love/friends/dreams/ideals for a lover or a spouse, especially one who isn't my ideal by a long stretch. I also won't spend my life with someone who I'm settling for just because they are predictable and easy to control. While I won't let my family dictate who I am not friends with, I will also never abandon members of my family because we have a large disagreement over how to handle things or abandon a whole branch of the family because that branch had a falling out with the branch I'm closest to decades ago. Family is family and it would take a something very bad for me to disown them. While "selling out" is a fairly ambigous term, I will always work to keep my ideals, to work for them, and to never give them up or give up my happiness for comfort and a miserable life. And, if my non-friend is reading this and smiling to himself, thinking that he finally got me to start thinking for myself and not relying on him, fuck you. You didn't do shit but rip my heart out. You get no fucking credit. You tossed my friendship aside for a the "love" of a girl who isn't half of anything I am when, if she was even a moderately rational person, you could have, should have had both. There is no way this will end in the best way possible for you.

"That Particular Time"-Alanis Morissette
My foundation was rocked
My tried and true way to deal was to vanish
My departures were old
I stood in the room shaking in my boots
At that particular time love had challenged me to stay
At that particular moment I knew not run away again
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you
At that particular time

We thought a break would be good
For four months we sat and vacillated
We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
At that particular time love encouraged me to wait
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient
That particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
And in the meantime I lost myself
In the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself¡-.i am

You knew you needed more time
Time spent alone with no distraction
You felt you needed to fly solo and high to define
What you wanted
At that particular time love encouraged me to leave
At that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
That particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
At that particular time

No comments: