Monday, February 11, 2008

Grasping at Straws and Praying for Change

"Nobody said it was easy/No one ever said it would be so hard"- Coldplay

It seems like it would be easy, right? You fall in love. A kind of love that you've never felt. At a time when you didn't want love, weren't looking for love, hell- never thought you'd find love again. But this love blows all the other things that you called love out of the water. And you find that not only can you completely be yourself with this person, but you find yourself actually making use of the things you learned in all the previous past failed relationships in an effort to make this relationship all the better. Instead of wanting to be a specific kind of better person so that you can be more well-matched to this person, you find yourself wanting to be a better person in general, better to your lover, better to the world, but better in ways that expand on who you already are. Your lover also feels the same way.

So you let yourself fall and you get married and the two of you talk about planning the future, despite your true love's impending year-long deployment. But it isn't long before the real world comes breaking into your fairy tale life and reality rears its ugly head. And all of that wanting to be better shit gets lost as you fall back into your old ruts. Ruts built by living a whole life before your partner showed up, by your reactions to the family and enviroment into which you were born. The problem is that you know your rut and you've tried to balance that out. Also, your rut is fairly singularly SELF-destructive and only involves you hating yourself. But your lover grew up in a completely different sort of family and environment than you did, lived in a world that you can barely begin to understand. And when your lover starts to act in ways that hurt you, that make you feel deeply betrayed, all you want to do is find a way to explain their behavior so that maybe that behavior can change and the relationship can be salvaged. (Sidenote: Does it mean that you are trying to "change" that person, to "fix" them? Does it make it any better if you didn't know about that behavior before you had made the BIG commitment, so now the change is only to help sustain the commitment, instead of building yourself the perfect partner?) So, you look at their past and you grasp at straws to find a more reasonable explanation for their behavior than that they are just an irredeemable asshole that you should leave as soon as possible. And you pray for the changes that would allow you to stay because, while all of the betrayals revealed in the last couple of days didn't make you cry, imagining him getting handed the papers that would dissolve the BIG commitment that you made to each other made you bawl like a baby.

On the Adult Children of Addicts
Even more self-defeating,
we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset
to workable solutions. (

A few of these can be that they:
have to guess what normal
behaviour is in many situations,
have difficulties completing projects,
lie when it is equally simple to tell the truth,
are self-judgmental,
have difficulties having fun,
take themselves very seriously,
problems in intimate relationships,
overreact to changes which they can't
are always looking for approval and confirmation,
think they're
are either extremely responsible or extremely irresponsible,
are extremely loyal, also to people who do not deserve it,

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