I was supposed to go to my second day of work Friday night at 11pm. I had written the previous post at 9am, thinking that, if I just got some rest, took some happy pills, I'd be better and I'd just go to work, no biggie. I slept all day, until I had to get up at 9pm to get ready to go to work. I spent half of my time in the shower laying at the bottom of the tub, crying. Obviously, I wasn't feeling any better. But I even got dressed. I sat with my bag next to me, coat across my lap, in the dark in the comfy chair in the computer room. Then, right before 10, just before the one hour prior call in time and just before going back to bed in a depression induced stupor, I called in to the job. I just told them I was calling in for the night. My arm hurt. (Which it kinda did after using the arm I hurt falling off the truck to throw packages the night before.) Then I called in to the temp place, which was of course closed, and left them a message too, just like I was supposed to. Only I think this one was slightly more rambling. When BT asked me tonight what exactly I said, I told him that I think it was something about how the job was killing my soul and I wasn't going back. (At which point he smacked his own head and hung his head there in his hands.) BT suggests I call back tomorrow (or actually today- Sunday), leave another message on their voice mail, saying I was out of my mind, I want to work the job and I will be there as scheduled on Monday if they will still have me, please, please, please. I think 1) I'm going to ask my mom about it, 2) I'm going to ask TyRoy about it, 3) I'm going to ask MP about it (though his answer Friday morning was that it gets much easier once your soul dies), and 4) if I continue with this job, I think I'll have to take 2 of my 3 daily happy pills at my last break, to get me through the rest of the day.
Another big problem I have is with the "one hour mandatory overtime." I was told by my temp agency that I was to work 11pm-730am (which means 8 hours and no paid lunch time though you still have to take it). Fine, no biggie. But at 6am, my leader asks me if my agency had told me about the one hour mandatory overtime. No, my agency had not. My agency had warned m that I might have to stay later if there was more work and that I might get sent home before 8 hours was up if they just didn't have enough work for us. As far as I could see, all our work was getting done, so I wasn't really sure what I'd be doing extra for that hour. As everyone had different hours, it was hard for me to see if we were really getting all our work done or if we were behind. But no one told me. That day, I went home at 7:30am, mostly because I think I'd have started crying right there at my desk for no real reason if I'd stayed later. And they'd sent another girl home instead of giving her anymore overtime. Maybe she had been there longer and made more per hour. Either way, it sucked and I made sure I told my temp place that, during business hours, but I had told her that I thought I could hang with it for a while. Then I didn't go in.
But, as I was relating this to BT, who had more sympathy for me than most people in in shoes would, considering he just got back from a 24/7 job that he had for....a year pretty much, 8 months of it in country and that he has always worked shit jobs with long hours and low pay and seems to rarely have had a car so he was always walking too, I started thinking more about how most people live like this. On Friday morning, driving home, I was thinking about my mom and my grandma and my grandpa and my uncle, who have always worked kinda crappy jobs, in one way or another, but never seemed to come home angry. As I was talking to BT, I realized that I can sympathize with guys and girls who come home and are rude and cranky to their kids and spouses because their job sucks and it just took everything they had out of them, but the come home and their kids and spouses want more, which they just don't have to give.
When I got to the thought that maybe that is why my step-dad is so crabby all the time, I realized that I'm just like that. When I work a regular 9-5 kinda job (I include 3rd shift jobs where I work 8 hours in that), I'm just like that. I'm a total raving bitch! I know I"ve told the story in this blog about working the data entry job in the cave, which I hated. I'm not sure if I related how my family wanted me to contribute more, especially by coooking dinner (=what they were used to eating and wanted to eat for dinner) since I was the first one home. That was not an unreasonable demand whatsoever. But the times that my step-dad tried to teach me how to cook specific dishes were disasters, the second one ending in me telling him to cook his own damn dinner and then I went crying into the bathroom, where I stayed for several hours. I now realize that those incidents were just as much about him being a horrible teacher and "why can't I cook what I want to cook" as they were about me coming home from work a raving bitch. I am not a good, sweet, nice person when I come home. I'm not saying that my mom has sunshine coming out of her ass when she comes home from work everday, but she really is a generally cheery person when she comes home. My step-dad is not, ever. And I am really not a cheery person when I come home from a 9-5 job.
What the fuck am I going to do???? Please leave suggestions.
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2 comments:
Sometimes i love my work and come home happy and ready to do my projects. Some days i love my work but still am tired and come home and take a nap. other days i wonder wtf am i doing in a 9-5 when i could occupy myself with my own projects full-time.
I can relate to the depressing aspect of seeing the addresses you're typing in. those sort of thoughts occur to me too. you can validly question whether you should be working as a sailor on a schooner or sometime of the sort instead, when you get those thoughts. again, sometimes my work is interesting and exciting, other times i think, why am i not _____ ?
but i do think you have to do -something-, Ava. you have to be constructive in the world and follow some trajectory, whatever you choose it to be. my heart is with you.
Ava This is TyRoy,
You have to figure out what you truly want. And yes, you have to want something.
You have said that you have only wanted two things in life. To get out of high school and whatever the guy you are with wants. I used to think, that is ludicrous because there had to be times when you weren’t with a guy. Especially when you were with a girl. But I am coming to believe that I was wrong. You seem to not want, anything.
Some people go through life, simply wanted to not be a something. I don’t want to be a prisoner because I committed a crime. I don’t want to be in debt. I don’t want to be a douche bag. Whatever it is, sometimes we think these people are motivated but it is fear that is motivating them.
I think you don’t have this because you have always had something. There are some people who have always had that are still motivated by this fear. But you don’t have this.
Then there are people who want something. And they are motivated enough to either get it or continue to work toward it. They can fail and keep going. Or maybe, they just switch goals, whether they get their goal and switch or they miss their goal and move on.
Example: I am not sure if you actually want a college degree or not. I can’t really tell. But I know you aren’t motivated to work towards it without help. And you don’t have the fear of not being a college graduate.
It is not a cure all. Plenty of college grads have problems. But, Warren Buffett has problems. And The CEOs of major companies have problems. So do homeless people who choose to be homeless have problems. There is not a human alive without problems.
I can tell a couple of things. You want pride but you don’t truly fear not getting respect from others. You want to be able to pay your bills but you don’t fear having things taken from you to get that done.
I can’t give you the answers. The only thing I can encourage is, find something to want and go after it.
How does your soul feel now? Better because you don’t have the means to pay your bills? Because no one actually relies on you now. I believe you do fear being relied on. You sincerely don’t want to fail others in a business. But, you constantly do that. And it affects your pride. It affects the fact that you don’t get respect. But, you let fear overrule your want to not let people down.
I am so disturbed by this but, I agree with BT. You need to get a job, go there, pay your own bills and get into the “grind”.
You see your parents and grandparents as miserable. But are they really? They have certain things they want. I am going to address this with your parents as an example because it is what I have experience with. They want to go camping; they have the RV to go. What got them that? Soul crushing work that gives them, maybe ten days out of the year of happiness. Do you have those ten days? Moreover, do you WANT those ten days?
Can these be done on your own? I really don’t know. So many are so much happier when they are with someone else.
There is the phrase; I don’t need someone, I want someone. Your parents want to do things with each other, so they do. They work together to get those times that they truly want. Do they like it? No. Are they afraid to express that dislike? No. Is that OK? Yes.
You can’t take others not liking you so critically. So what if TyRoy doesn’t like you, for isnatnce, even though that is not true. Why is that so debilitating? To others, it is not, you know why. Even if they want TyRoy’s approval, they want something else more. That is right, most people not only want a certain tier of things, they have higher tier and lower tier wants as well.
I often joke about but truly don’t want to go to jail. That this is a real and present fear in my life and always has been. It is a top tier want that drives me to work, not do drugs, not drink and drive and other things like that.
But I have things that I want. I want a dog. I love dogs are you can tell by the many times I have talked about or tried to take Miss Lilliputian. But, I don’t want to have a dead dog. Which means, I can’t have a dog until I have someone who can take care of the dog when I am away?
I want a woman who has a high sex drive. There are a lot of things that are negotiable. Race, hair color, hair length, eye color, kids, previous husbands, sexual orientation [I am serious, I think I would be better with a lesbian who makes and exception and has sex with me], and lots of other things. But there are also things I don’t want this fictional [so far] woman to have. She can’t be missing limbs. She can’t hate dogs. This list exists; but I am not going through the whole thing here.
OK. I have been all over the place. And have brought up way too many points at one time.
Bottom Line: Figure out what you want and how you are going to get it. Also figure out what you don’t want and avoid that.
Right now, I want some pancakes and I am going to make them.
Take It Light
TyRoy
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