What seems like a lifetime ago, I did a bunch of things to drive BT away, I think because I thought it would be easier to deal with my guilt over the things I'd done wrong if he hated me or was at least mad at me. At the time, he said that nothing I could do or say would make him hate me and nothing would make him give up. Well, the second part obviously wasn't true, but I can't blame him for that. When he left, I said the same thing back to him, that I'd do anything to be with him again, that I'd wait forever, that I'd take him back under any circumstances, all the things you say in those desperate moments when someone you love leaves you. It's not to say that I didn't mean it then. But there's only so much a person can take and eventually one has to move on. This song really hits at the heart of how I feel on giving up right now. Yes, I know, I love Ani DiFranco. We can talk more about that later.
Rock Paper Scissors - Ani DiFranco
it's rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all.
it's hand against hand
and both hands are mine.
it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy.
a happy meal with a surprise inside.
surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes,
exposing all the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide.
this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up
and tame the stallions of my wildest expectations.
but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain.
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene.
yeah desire drags me right out of myself
like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal.
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames ripple on the sand and swallow me whole.
but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations.
but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way l
ike a bird into the sky of my brain.