I'm not sure I'll be able to get this down right and its difficult doing it on my phone but I don't want to get up and lose this moment. It's probably that this is a new relationship driving this feeling but I'm still at that "I want to tell you everything because it feels like I finally have someone who will understand it or at least appreciate it being shared. "
Sitting here with an odd sense of deja vu. Raining outside. I opened the big Window in my bedroom to hear better. From where I sit in bed, all I can see are trees and rain. I had a big window like this in the apartment in University Park, when I was 12. I'd open the window to listen to the rain at night, sad adult contemporary disks playing on my stereo, softly so they wouldn't wake my parents on the other side of the bedroom wall. Crying myself to sleep. That was probably when it should have been evident that I had a problem. 12 year olds don't cry themselves to sleep every night. Or listen to adult contemporary music, for that matter.
The rain made me want to listen to Mary Chapin - Carpenter's "Rhythm of the Blues," then the whole Come On Come On album. Remembered snatches of a summer spent at The Nightmare on Spruce Street, watching the rain through the big picture window, cranking up my uncle's cds as loud as I could, singing at the top of my lungs. Probably crying to. I've always had a weakness for the sad songs. The therapist tells me I shouldn't indulge it but some habits are impossible to break.
"it's a need you never get used to- soft, fierce, and so confused. It's a loss you never get over to the first time you lose."
In those early teenage years, I longed for. .. well, hell, I'm not sure I knew what I was longing for. Love, sex, companionship. I know I thought of it in very simplistic terms. Find the right guy, as it was still a guy though I knew I liked girls too, and it all gets better, sorta itself out. That summer I was 14, my uncle was marrying his college sweetheart and they seemed perfect for each other. Just hold out long enough to find it and you're set.
Almost two decades on, with my uncle having come out, divorced and been just as poly as I am working on being now, I can't help but laugh at how naive that sounds.
Right now, one of you is at work and the other is sleeping so soundly that my trying to cuddle with him didn't stir him at all. It's beautiful and complicated and yet sometimes much more simple than you'd think it could be, definitely more simple than my mind wants to make it. Last night, all of us in different tired and kinda grumpy mindsets, hung out together in the living room, me doing homework, her reading, him playing video games. No weird sex stuff. No drama. Just three people living in the same space.
Once again, I get to the end of what I had to say without any point emerging. Maybe it's that I feel very ambivalent right now. Memories of the girl I was flooding back, trying to evaluate if she got what she ultimately wanted, and how I feel about it not looking the way she'd envisioned it, and how it all doesn't feel the way she thought it would when she got it. "Some people remember the first time, some can't forget the last. Some just select what they want to from the past."