Monday, March 07, 2016

Why I'm Cleaning the House While Sick

[Written Saturday March 5]

I'm sick. Got the Professor's cold. Of course,  I've doped myself up on cough meds & pain meds and I'm just overall healthier than he is so it isn't as bad as his. I'm supposed to be taking a nap, a break from the house cleaning I'm stubbornly doing. I have a four day weekend, one extra day i took off for my uncle's passing, the other is because of a software update at work (have to make it up next Friday).

I would have tried to clean anyway but Ginger's boyfriend is coming to town next week. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for cleaning, especially while I'm sick. But i don't think he thinks we take care of her. Hell, sometimes i don't think she thinks we take care of her. I know we don't take care of her the way her ex did. I know we don't take care of her the way her boyfriend thinks he would take care of her if he was here. We might not do it in ways that she recognizes, but we do it. I do it.

Yes, most of the things are also things that make me feel good about the house being more clean or clean the way i want it but that doesn't negate that i still do all these things and ask for very little help. She has only cleaned the cat litter box a few times since I moved into the old place, much less here. I do the laundry because I am more particular than she is but I carry their clothes upstairs to their room. I do the dishes and i pick up. I clean the main bathroom, the one she uses for showers and getting ready.

I'm cleaning before her guest comes and I'll give the house a once over later this week because she is already gonna have to help clean the friend's house that he's staying at because she can't afford a hotel room and the Professor and i don't want to babysit a stranger for two weeks when she's at work. It's not what her ex would have done but it's all we can do so I'll clean our house and though i was going to ask for her help, I'm not going to. This is the least i can do.  I try to take care of her in ways she recognizes, but my work schedule and my own crazy can get in the way of that. But don't think I don't care for her or take care of her just because it's not what others would have done.

[Written Monday March 7]
So I didn't get much more cleaning done after my nap. Our tiny human was starting to be fussy by the time I woke up and the Professor was starting to tire out. As the night wore on, the tiny human got more sick. I ended up going to bed shortly after the tiny human did but I woke up several times during the night to take care of her, once because the Professor and Ginger were wondering if we should take tiny human to the ER, since she had an elevated temperature. The nurse on the hotline told me that I should take her to an urgent care clinic within 24 hours not because of her temperature but because she was rubbing her ears and might have an ear infection, so I did that. Ginger stayed home all day and evening to help me take care of tiny human and the Professor, and to help take care of me. I feel bad that she didn't get a break but I really did appreciate it. 

Last night I got more sleep but still not enough to make up for being sick. As soon as I got up the tiny human threw up her whole six ounce bottle on me and then acted like I was killing her when I forced her to take tylenol and antibiotics. The Professor had not gotten any sleep overnight and had an asthma attack shortly before I got up. I called into work. Ginger is going to come home after a midday appointment. 

I wanted so badly to make things good for Ginger and to help as much as I could for this visit. She bent a good deal on things to make the Professor and I comfortable and I know that we have not lived up to how her ex would have handled things. I'm sure that her boyfriend is probably upset with us over it all and is also upset that he is not going to get the opportunity to see if he fits in our family full-time as they had both originally hoped for on this trip. But just because it can't be all that I did want to do something to help her and now all that is down the drain. I need an eight hour cry and a twelve hour sleep. I feel useless and drained and tired. I can't make anything right and I can't make anyone better. I'm so sorry, to both Ginger and her boyfriend. And if he ever reads this, even if we don't get along, even if we never like each other, I'm sorry. I wanted to take care of your girl. I'm sorry I'm failing in that.  

1 comment:

TyRoy Washington said...

Be proud of what you have accomplished. Big and small. I hope that you don’t turn the expectations of others into your anxieties. you are doing the best you can. That is all you can do. Be OK with that. Tomorrow; mark the items off your to-do list so more. you are doing the best you can.