Sunday, January 08, 2006

Different Day (or Year, Rather), Same Shit

So, every year around this time, as people the world over celebrate religious and ethnic holidays, and the New Year, I find myself starting all over again also. The downward spiral usually starts around Thanksgiving. I used to think it was the holidays, but I've gotten over my fear of all those days with my family. I am even starting to enjoy it. When I was in high school, I was too wrapped up in finals and the end of semester rush to break down, after which I had two full weeks of laziness. But every year after that, the holiday season heralded my downward spiral, in which I tear down everything I built in the past year. Then, in January or February, I pick myself up and start all over. I really hate this cycle. And I really thought I had gotten through it when I had a nice New Year. A friend was trying to hook me up with a job at her employer, which pays more and has benefits, but I was still working in the cave for as long as I wanted the job. I was looking forward to going back to school in the fall and to meeting new girls over the internet. Tuesday I was sick so I didn't go to work. And then I didn't go the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that. I slept most of the day, got up to eat dinner with my parents, watched some TV, and then I went back to bed, usually before midnight. Each day, my job seemed worse and worse in my mind. Each day, I felt worse and worse. T told me I should just quit my temp job if I didn't go in on Friday. But I didn't do either. I called in again with the really shitty excuse that I had the stomach flu. Saturday, my mom woke me up early to make me clean house with her (not light weekly cleaning, but CLEANING, like my grandma was going to come over). And she gave me a big guilt trip about how much she worries about me and what I would do if I didn't have them to fall back on. She cried, I cried. Then, we cleaned for four hours. I felt much better and a great deal more motivated. Saturday night, T yelled at me and expressed his fear that I keep going through this cycle and never getting anywhere in my life, especially when I can do so much better. Granted, besides the fact that my current temp job probably isn't too fond of me right now, nothing has really changed. Except how I feel about my life right now. I'm so ambivalent because I don't have a real DREAM to aspire to, which is what always drove me out of my funks before. Right now, I'm living on borrow motivation from T and my mom, working to meet the bare basics until I can figure out a reason for me to work harder. My mom gave me a list of stuff I should do around the house every week so that I am more a part of the household, instead of a mooch. And T is trying to keep me motivated with a system of rewards and punishments. If I take off another day of work, he isn't going to talk to me for the total number of days I've taken off (5 days for the next time I take off), but, if I don't, he promises to come visit me and take me to the expensive fondue restaurant. I really don't want to have the downward part of this spiral next year. I want next January to be about finding new goals to push toward, not to trying to fix the fuck-ups of the past few months.

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