Tuesday, January 31, 2006

A Time of Change

Right now, my life seems to be changing a great deal.

I just started a new job, which, despite how orientations and training make you NOT want to work for a new company, I am looking forward to working at for a long time, especially because of their great benefits, which include tuition reimbursement after the first year of working there. It might not be a job that I love, but it is a job that I can move up in while still not having to take anything home and still being able to write. Unlike my last job, where we weren't allowed to write anything because of security fears, I doubt anyone will mind or even notice if I am jotting stuff down throughout the day, as long as I am doing my job.

My ex and bestfriend, T/Sir, just got a new girlfriend. It went quickly from exchanging e-mails to them being exclusive, all within about a week. While we've technically been broken up for a year and we've both had a few dates since then, we are still the closest person either has, with the exception of family. Also, while I have a few friends, T is really my only close friend. It is hard to realize how much is going to change. I feel like I am losing the most important person in my life, even though I know he does not intend to leave my life. He will have less time for me, because he necessarily has to spend some of that time on cultivating this relationship. I worry about being all alone. I worry that I will lose all the progress I've made emotionally and spiritually with him. I worry that I will get into destructive relationships just so that I can be in one. But I can't imagine my life without his friendship and, as he's one stubborn guy, I have to abide by his rules to continue our friendship. When I think of him as just my friend, I realize that I do want him to do this relationship in the best way he can and I do hope that he has a good and fulfilling relationship with his new girlfriend (so weird to call someone else that!) . But when I think about him as my ex and as someone that I do still want to be with, it nearly kills me.

But on the theory that nothing gets you over the last one like the next one, I am trying to take more chances in meeting people and trying to date them. I hardly never approach people in person that I am attracted to and would like to get to know better. I really want that to change. Also, I have been only pursuing dating with women. While I plan on focusing on dating women, I am trying to leave myself open to men that I am interested in or who might be interested in me. This is hard for me also. I don't naturally trust people and I expect the worst from them. This is probably because of my own shortcomings. Also, I am deeply afraid that I will change to be with someone and stop following my own path. Not all of us can be as lucky as T and find someone that is also trying to be on a path the first time out of the gate. I'm afraid that I don't know who the real me is right now and that I will try to find the real me in who they want me to be.

With all this change, there has to be a home to come back to, a place to rest away from all this chaos. That used to be my relatiohship with T and, in part, it may still be. But I was reading a book T bought me years ago again called If the Buddha Dated, and it really helped reinforce that I need to try to cultivate my spiritual life because it will be my greatest refuge through all this and it will help me work through the rest of my issues. So once again, I have to recommit myself to working on myself, spiritually and emotionally, or it is all going to fall apart. And I'm almost back to where I started.

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