Bastard On the Couch, p. 8- In talking about the pasts of the older women he's dated, Panio Gianopoulos writes, "Whatever their amorous histories, almost all had, by now, enough romantic experience to have overcome the girlish draw toward being treated badly."
-Is that why I haven't been attracted to the very attractive people I've had dates with recently? Like nice lesbian K, who is perfect on paper for me but draws no sparks? Vs. repeat fling X who does but that I hardly ever see and only for sex (though I don't feel particularly slighted by this lack of contact because of how we set up everything but I'm not sure he'd be a boyfriend who treated me any different than he currently does.) I was kinda put off last night by the fact that I didn't have that spark with last night's date C, the kind of spark that I have had early on in other long-term relationships. But my other significant others did have elements of danger, illicitness, or bad-boy/girl/behavior. Even exSir. Hell, in some ways, I wonder if I'm willing to try to keep my friendship with exSir just so he can treat me like he had been before we stopped talking a few months ago. I know from the experience of the last few months that I can get along fine, or better than fine, without him. And after the experience of finally talking to him last week, I know that he creates uncontrollable emotion and chaos in my heart and mind, if not my life.
-I think for some women the draw to being treated badly might be a girlish one, something they grow out of, but it seems to be pathological in many. Something they don't get over because they never gain the wisdom, foresight, confidence or whatever it is that enables them to call it, for "integrity to finally win out over desire" as Ani sings.
-Is it just "girlish"? Is that maybe why exSir started out not as physically attracted to his K as he had been to previous (though bad/crazy) girls? Because he didn't feel that immediate danger/bad treatment/craziness in her? Is that why she was attracted to him? While I still don't think keeping your bestfriend who is also your ex-gf close is necessarily treating your current gf badly, she obviously did but stayed long after it should have been evident that he wouldn't cut off contact with me. Even now, she won the victory but he's still trying to be my friend now. Is exSir's staying despite not having that initial spark sexually a sign of maturity or, as I thought at the time, just forcing himself into a relationship devoid of that spark because he wants to act like sex isn't important to him, when sex is important to all relationships and without that spark, the relationship would never work? If I continue to not experience that spark sexually with people (especially if I decide that sexual spark is ONLY caused by danger/bad treatment) should I force myself to keep on with someone I find attractive in all other ways? Or is that just going to be a recipe for disaster because I'll be tempted away by the first danger/badness spark that comes along, especially because the sex with the main partner is lackluster without that spark? Can you have both-sexual spark and good treatment? Maybe I should say, Can I have both? Or is there a different but equally or more powerful spark based on something that isn't danger/badness and I just haven't experienced it yet?
Romance is so confusing.