Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Recent Events

Now that the meds aren't quite so oppressive and I'm realizing that I can't live any kind of actual life sitting on my parents' futon, I'm trying to get out a bit, reconnect with friends, make new friends, in addition to looking for work. I've kinda had a paralyzing social anxiety since I've been out of the hospital, which was probably good at that time, or I would have just had sex continuously with anyone after BT left. But it isn't good for the long-term. So I'm hanging out with long-term friends that I''m currently JUST friends with in the next couple weeks. I'm also chatting online with some possible new "friends" who have varying levels of desired commitments. I'm just playing it by ear.

But friends, well, relationships with people in general are... well, tough. I'm volatile, inconsistent, and generally difficult to deal with over a long period of time. MP told me last week that I really needed to understand that dealing with me, at least when I'm not doing well, can take a great deal out of a person. And I'm not good at spreading that stress around either. It usually lands squarely on the person that I'm closest to at the time, often my significant other. I'm intellectually aware of this, but that doesn't really do much good when I'm not doing well and my emotions have control. I'm trying, even if it doesn't seems like it. And I'm trying even harder now, after a week of almost constant arguing with TyRoy, and managing to get myself into a mean-ish disagreement with MP today. Ugh.

While I know that what I really need is intense therapy for... well, forever, I'm trying to just focus on being as normal as possible. The first part of that is getting a job. I apply daily for jobs. I have a preliminary group interview/testing/fingerprinting for a temporary seasonal government job in January. I am playing phone tag with two human resource recruiters. I am on the available list for several temporary employment agencies. Until then, I'm trying to make up for being a jobless bum with doing stuff for my folks around the house. Though I'm still not good at cooking anything that I don't like, which usually means a noodle dish. I made tuna noodle casserole last week. Yum. I'm hoping to get a full-time (or even part-time) job with health insurance. Then I could get the therapy. One thing at a time though.

But I'm still making use of the health insurance that I have while I have it. I got a birth control implant. It lasts for three years. I'm SO happy about it. I've been asking doctors about longer term birth control options since I started this insurance and I was mostly rebuffed. I can't do the monthly shots because they have been known to drastically increase depression. I didn't want to do the ring because I've heard it fails. I'm tired of the pills and there's too much risk of missing a day. I wanted an IUD. My primary care physician said that I should stick with the pill, since I took other pills everyday anyway. But now that I'm on these meds and about to lose my health insurance, the gynecologist was happy to give me something else, though she suggested the implant instead since IUDs can make infections (like STDs) travel faster and it would have to be taken out if I had any procedure for abnormal cervical cells. Hell, maybe she just gets a kickback on the implants. Either way, I have it now and I'm super happy to have 3 years of birth control all paid for and off my mind. Though my arm kinda hurts right now.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I made a list of the side effects of the lithium to talk to him about. I don't know what will happen with it. I don't even know what I want to happen with it. We'll see.

In the definatively bad news category, my computer blew up Sunday. It shut itself off Saturday night. I thought it might just have been hot or something so I left it alone. When I tried to turn it on Sunday afternoon, nothing happened. NOTHING. My uncle's boyfriend, who built the computer for me, suggested I check the outlet, the surge protector, and then the power cord. I got to the final one, switching the power cords for the monitor and the CPU. There was a spark in the middle of the CPU, then a bigger, longer lasting spark in the back by the power supply. It smelled like burning. Sigh. I think it's completely fried. I just hope we can salvage my memory because I was too lazy to backup my music and pictures and writing.

That doesn't help with the "new friends" department. I'm using my mom's computer right now and only have access to two pictures that I sent out recently. I was supposed to meet someone for coffee today. I'm pretty cautious when I meet new people from the internet, asking for full name and phone number when I meet someone in public, and making sure that someone has that info, where I am, and expect me to check in. Maybe I'm paranoid, but anyone could be a psycho killer and I'd like to at least give the cops some clues. Also, I have people around me (Mom, TyRoy) who insist on the info, insist on me taking some steps to protect myself. Well, the man I was supposed to meet today took offense to that. He said that he never gave that information out. He attributed it to the fact that someone had recently stolen his identity. If that is true, then I think that is aweful, but it doesn't mean I'm going to not protect myself. When I told him why I need the info, he said that I just shouldn't date but stay at home with my parents were I was safe. He also said that he dates all the time and no one has ever asked him for that information. And it might be true that they don't ask him before they meet him, but I can't imagine that women are happy to date him without knowing his last name or having a phone number that they can call him on. And I am aware that dating is never safe, meeting people is never safe, nothing is ever completely safe. But I'm not so scared that I don't go out at all, don't meet people at all, and I don't want to be. But I don't feel like it's wrong to ask for those other things. I'm not asking for your social security number, for christ's sake. And I've never had a guy not give me that info. I did have one guy give me a completely false name, though MP quickly found his real name for me. hehehe. Even married guys will give me that info. I understand that other people want to feel safe and secure too and I don't want to make anyone feel un-safe. Both people need to feel as safe as possible. But I don't know you and I don't know what possible risks there are in being around you and, as I don't know you, I'm more worried about my safety than I am yours. Oh well. Whatever.

Oh, and apparently, in addition to the friends that I've driven to anger by my actions lately and the possible dates who I've upset, BT completely hates me. It isn't like I haven't done wrong. It isn't like he didn't have every right to leave me. But I guess I always hoped we'd be friends. I at least hoped we'd be civil if I wasn't picking fights. And I've really tried not to make the situation worse. I haven't texted unless I needed something. I told him before I took cash. I mailed the mail of his that came to my house to him. I told his mom to give the woman he's with now a chance because she makes him really happy. I even did all the paperwork and paid for the divorce that he wanted, that he now says he wants so he can marry this other woman. But none of that matters because of what I've done. Oh, and because I"m fat. He's found someone smaller and better who he really loves (guess he never really loved me?) and he hopes that I can develop some self-respect. (His words, not my extrapolation.) Sigh. I do hope he's happy and that it all works out for everyone involved.

I guess what it all really makes me wonder is how long and how much people should have to suffer for the bad things they do? I know that this is just me paying for the wrong I did him. I'm not paying for a larger wrong that I did to many people, for a wrong that is illegal. And maybe for him, it is right that I should be looked down upon and hated and belittled by him for the rest of our lives, even if I lived a perfect life from here on out, even if I did anything and everything I could think of or he could tell me to do as penance. It's not like I'm talking about getting back with him, him loving me, maybe not even talking about being friends. But just not being insulting for no good reason. (And do you really think it's a good idea to insult someone who is already suicidal, self-harming, and has zero self-esteem? Don't you think she already feels like shit?) "You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind/I dont know why you gotta be angry all the time."

Makes me wonder about people who have done much worse things. How do you do the penance? How do you live with yourself and what you've done and still have the strength to work to make it better? I think about my uncle, the middle child between my mom and my youngest uncle. Since his teens, he's struggled with addiction and done so much damage. There was a time when my grandparents told him they wouldn't help him come back to the area where they lived. Not sure when the last time was that he asked. He's traveled the country, living in all kinda of places, struggled with substance abuse. I was too young to know what was going on when he lived near us. But last Christmas my grandmother paid for him to visit, since her sixth sense told her that it would be my grandfather's last Christmas. Gram said he was sober now. I was there for the first part of the visit, before I left to visit BT's family with him. In a couple days, when Grandpa was admitted to the hospital, that uncle got drunk. He got beligerent with my other uncle, who has completely written him off after having to grow up in the shadow of his brother's delinquency. My diplomatic mother was the only one who could deal with him. When he was still drunk and unruly the next morning, my grandmother drove him to the bus station and sent him back home early. If that hadn't been the case, he might have been there when his father passed a few days later. When I called to break the news, he made it all about him. I'm still upset. I'm upset that my grandmother actively pursues contact with him after all that. I wonder if I could rise above all that if he was ever to really try to change his life, if he tried to act unselfishly towards me and/or our family. But I haven't had to deal with his bs as much. My other uncle has and I honestly don't think that he could ever forgive his brother. Maybe the better comparison for me would be if my bio father changed and wanted to be a part of my life. But it's difficult for me to compare myself to them. Is the damage I did to BT in just a little over a year compare?

Sigh. I just don't know. All I can do is try to be the best person I can be to everyone, regardless of if they recognize it or care. I'm not claiming to be a saint. I imagine they are good people because they are good people by nature. I try to be a good person so I have less to feel bad about. I'm not a martyr. I still do selfish things and I don't see these things as sacrifice. If I did, I might not do it. I just don't want people to hate me.

On that note, I'm going to bed.

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